why am I likethis (I mean I know why) why are all my interests so weird /not neg

utmv, dolls furbies, obscure games, weird indie stufd

anyway guess what I’m getting into now

ringtonecharacter. Psycho teddy/ dj teddy z. I love obsure/lost stuff and stufffron the early internet days so it his the spot. There’s a scrapped show with them?? A lost German commercial. Many differing cuts of commercials for no reason.

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

“Are you paw-sitive this is alright?” Selina half-purred half-asked. The slender cat thief was dressed casually— for her, anyway— in a floor length amethyst purple gown that swept just barely above the floor, accentuating her curves and coming down in a deep V neck that was just barely within the constraints of being acceptable for public appearances. Her companion, almost half a foot shorter even in her short heels, was a stark contrast. It was as if all the two women had in common was their hair color, a rich deep black that shimmered blue in the right lighting.

Marinette, with her hair done up in two buns and wearing a sensible pink-and-white cheongsam top with apple blossom embroidery paired with an ankle-length denim skirt that had a knee-high slit in the front, nodded even as she eyed her friend’s choice of outfit with a small frown.

“Of course. Bruce is in the media’s eye all the time, and he knows I don’t have a care for the spotlight. But you do,” Marinette stopped talking for a second, snapping her fingers and reaching into her purse. She pulled out a gorgeous inch-thick collar necklace that was made entirely of thick panels of flawless silver and high-quality diamond. At the very center of the collar necklace, where it would hang right in the center of Selina’s collarbone, was a diamond-and-obsidian cat face. “I knew I was forgetting something! Bourgeois owed me a favor for doing the outfit for her last magazine cover pro bono, so I asked for this as payment. It’s exactly what your outfit is missing.”

Just because Marinette didn’t like revealing clothing didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate someone else wearing one well, after all. And Selina wore her dress perfectly.

Selina quirked an eyebrow, eyeing the necklace with her expert gaze. Gently, she trailed her fingertips over the tops of the diamonds in the thick bands of the collar as a small smile flicked over her lips. She raised her eyes up to Marinette’s, light green eyes sparkling with mischief and knowing.

“You got this as a bribe for me, didn’t you kitten?”

Marinette smiled unashamedly. “I know you’re a proud lesbian, but would you mind playing the role of Bruce’s girlfriend, just for the media? And only while you’re single, of course. If you ever want out, you only have to say the word. Bruce already agreed, but he also doesn’t mind continuing to play the careless bachelor if you aren’t willing.”

Selina scoffed, rolling her eyes and grabbing the necklace. Effortlessly, she swung it around her neck and clasped it in place. “Please, darling. You and I both know it drives you up a wall when Brucie is hounded by gold diggers every time he steps foot out of that mansion of his. I’ll play the camera-girlfriend, but only for a maximum of a year. And you two can only call on me one a week at most, a girl’s gotta have some time to herself.”

Marinette nodded eagerly. “That’s fine! We probably won’t even call on you that much, Bruce is planning to play the ‘we want to keep our relationship pretty low-key’ card for now. Just an appearance once a month or two ought to satisfy those vampiric paparazzi.”

Selina just smiled. She had practically adopted Marinette years previous, during a trip to Paris where she had found out she apparently had a male doppelgänger. Now the two were sisters in all but official (Not-forged) legal documents. And because of that, Bruce had somehow become her brother.

Which Bruce later found out, meant that Selina would relentlessly tease him every time she needed to appear as his “girlfriend.”

Relentlessly.

But Marinette and Bruce had a Plan. She wasn’t quite ready to make a public appearance as his real girlfriend, mostly because of loose ends that still had to be tied back in France. She was making so many trips back and forth between the two countries that they couldn’t see each other in person much to begin with, so they also didn’t want their few in-person meetings tainted by greedy D-rate journalists.

But yes, they had a Plan. One year was the perfect time frame for the last stretch of said plan. Marinette would tie up the last few things she had to do in Paris, start an official branch of her fashion company in Gotham, and they would stage an entire break-up with Selina, a three-month “break” to “recover” and then a suitably dramatic, romantic “meet-cute” between the two of them to start what the media would see as a love-at-first-sight, fairytale relationship.

Nobody needed to know about Marinette and Bruce’s five-year pining session, or their one-year fumble through figuring out how to date one another before actually getting it right, or the most recent three-years of dealing with the fact that they were both highly experienced hero/vigilantes, the leaders of their own hero teams, and highly accomplished business people.

It was a hard relationship utterly riddled with drama, but they had finally reached the stable point where they were ready to commit. Sort of. They just needed Selina to fake-date Bruce in the public eye for a couple months, and then everything would be fine.

—*—*—*—*—*

One year and three months later.

Marinette shifted her purse on her shoulder. This would be her first time in over five years actually setting foot inside the Wayne Manor. She was excited to see Alfred again, and to hash out the last details for her and Bruce’s public “meet-cute.” But Alfred didn’t open the door this time, a short green-eyed boy with an all-too-familiar frown on his face did.

And once again, Marinette knew that Selina was not the mother. Her pseudo-sister was, as she had said so long ago, a very proud lesbian. But Marinette did know of a past fling of Bruce’s who did possess the proper genes to help create a child of this age.

Marinette smiled, pushing her inner rage at the thought of Talia Al Ghul out of her mind. She was still pissed beyond all rational thought when she heard about what Talia had done to Bruce. But this child was not at fault for any of it, only an innocent by-product.

“Hello. My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Would you mind telling Alfred I’m here?”

“Tt. Why should I?” The apparently bratty boy asked, crossing his arms and glaring straight at her. Marinette felt her eye twitch.

“I am a close friend of Bruce— Would I be correct in assuming he’s your biological father?” Immediately upon her question, the boy’s eyes widened ever so slightly in shock before his glare intensified. Marinette chuckled. “He didn’t tell me that he adopted any new children, and he always tells me when he adopts. Which means he didn’t have to adopt you, suggesting you are related to him directly. You can’t be a cousin or nephew, he has no living blood family. And all his pseudo-siblings are alive and fine, so you weren’t left to his care in anybody’s will,” she deduced out loud for him. “Plus, the green eyes and tan skin— I know of exactly one of Bruce’s past… suitors… who happens to fit the timeframe and features necessary.”

The boy raised an eyebrow. “Most assume that I am that harlot Selina Kyle’s spawn,” he snapped, but it lacked the same heat this time around. He was now analyzing her face closely, and Marinette noticed. She was careful to keep her eagerness toned down. She really just wanted to see Bruce and be able to hug and cuddle him for the first time in almost a year, and this child was her only obstacle at the moment. A very stubborn one.

Marinette sighed. “Selina is like a sibling to me, don’t call her a harlot. If Selina was ever pregnant, I would have known. Hell, Selina would have given me her baby to raise because she doesn’t have any interest in being a mother. Now, the polite thing to do when someone introduces themselves is so introduce yourself back. Not interrogate or intimidate them.”

The boy huffed, straightening his emerald turtleneck and rolling his shoulders back. “I am Damian Wayne,” he replied imperiously. “And Father has never mentioned a friend by the name Marinette. Which leads me to believe you are yet another no good hopeful suitor, and Father is still recovering after he and Kyle finally split up for good.”

Marinette froze, and slowly her eyes narrowed. “He never mentioned my name? Ever?”

“Tt. I already said no.”

Finally, the shape of Alfred Pennyworth came into view behind Damian. He had obviously heard the last bit of the conversation, because he just sighed and shared a long suffering look with Marinette. It was that look that made Marinette’s eye twitch a second time.

“Alfred,” she said slowly. “Has he mentioned me at all to any of his kids?”

“He has not,” Alfred replied. “And furthermore, Miss Selina would not stop giving him a hard time whenever he had to call her out for an appearance. It seems all of the children mistook their relationship for actually being of a romantic nature.”

Damian spun to the butler, eyes wide and swimming with a multitude of emotions. “What do you mean, ‘actually’, Alfred?”

“He means,” Marinette began before Alfred had the chance. Her eyes were narrowed, matching storms of dark, furious blue. “That Selina was only pretending to be Bruce’s girlfriend so that the press and gold-diggers would leave him alone. And apparently I need to beat some sense into my stupid, idiotic boyfriend, who I should have known would do something like this,” she looked up at Alfred, jaw clenching. “That man would never be able to pass for a functioning human without either you or me keeping his head screwed on. Where is he?”

“Not at the manor currently, Mademoiselle Marinette.”

“Alfred.”

The butler gave Marinette a rather mischievous little grin. “Master Bruce has forbade me from telling you where he is currently, he wanted you to stay at the manor and sleep the jet lag off until he got back. But I can tell you that he is not currently on Earth or on a mission.”

“Alfred!” Damian hissed, shocked that the man would say something so revealing. Alfred was the perfect secret keeper, why would he tell someone Bruce had never mentioned something so telling?”

“Oh, calm yourself Master Damian,” Alfred soothed. “Marinette has known about Master Bruce’s nighttime activities since before you were born. If anything, I believe he rightfully deserves the wake up call he is about to receive.”

Marinette nodded, eyes still stormy and determined. “Alright, so he’s at the Watchtower. The Zeta tunes are still in the Batcave, right?” When Alfred nodded, Marinette wasted no time. She easily slid around Damian and stormed into the manor, finding her way to the Batcave on pure muscle memory and rage.

“Wait, Alfred! I demand an explanation!” Damian’s loud voice slowly grew quieter as Marinette stormed down into the cave, ignoring how Alfred began to calmly explain the situation to the boy. She just slid right in to the Zeta tube, and commanded the computer to send her to the Watchtower.

“P-001, codename LADYBUG, recognized.”

—*—*—*—*—*

Batman pinched his nose from where he stood at the head of the meeting room in the watchtower. The briefing was supposed to start over an hour ago, but Hal Jordan had been twenty minutes late. No surprise there. But still, SuperMan had insisted that they wait until everyone arrived. And really, normally Batman would too. Except that his long time girlfriend was going to be landing in Gotham any minute now, and he would rather be back at the manor to greet her.

And the asinine argument that had been going on for the past forty minutes was finally going to end, even if Bruce had to hogtie every last one of his insufferable coworkers himself and force them through the rest of the meeting strapped to their chairs.

“Okay, can we PLEASE begin the meeting now, or so help me I will break out my kryptonite restraints,” he threatened darkly. He might have only mentioned Kryptonite, but everyone knew that that threat was actually aimed at all of them. Batman knew every last one of their weaknesses and was not above being petty when they strained his last nerve.

Quickly getting the hint, the entire room rushed to fill their seats and at least fake at paying attention. But of course, nothing goes quite right in the life of Bruce Wayne. Right as he turned on the slideshow he had prepared and began the meeting, the sound of an enraged woman’s voice echoed down the hallway in a deafening roar.

“BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE, YOU ARE IN SOOOO MUCH TROUBLE!”

Batman felt as if someone had just shoved him into a cryogenic freezer, a harsh shiver of dread running down his spine. There was exactly one person who could terrify him with a single word, and it just so happened to be the woman he was hiding a wedding ring from.

For the past eight years, but that’s neither here nor there.

“Oh shit,” Bruce breathed, but found he was unable to move from his spot. Yes, he wanted to see Marinette so badly that it hurt. But he also would like to stay alive.

SuperMan leaned forward, not really concerned since Batman would have reacted much differently had the voice been coming from a real threat. Instead, the man leveled his old friend with a very teasing smirk.

“Why is your heart suddenly racing?”

Bruce could only glare daggers at Clark before the door to the meeting room swung open, a tiny French woman standing there in a long, formal white-and-pink knee-length gown with a cheongsam neckline and one of her leaf-green heels held in each hand threateningly.

“You absolute idiot! When I said I wanted to keep our relationship out of the public eye, I didn’t mean to keep me a secret from EVERYBODY!”

“But darling—“ Bruce cut himself off as he was forced to dodge one deadly-accurate piece of flying footwear. “You don’t understand. The boys cannot keep a secret to save their life.”

“They have secret identities, don’t they?” She slipped her other shoe back on. She had known that her shoe never had a chance of hitting, and with Bruce in full Batman gear, even if it had hit him the high heel would have felt like she had only thrown a pillow. Had it been otherwise, she wouldn’t have even joked about throwing her shoes at him. But as it stood, she knew none of the normal things she had on her would be able to so much as make Bruce say “ow.”

Marinette placed both of her fists on her hips, marching up to Batman and pulling him down the full foot it took for him to be able to look her in the eye. His resulting gulp was clearly audible, and visible, to everyone else in the room. “You absolute, emotionally dense moron,” her voice had dropped from a yell to a mildly fond, but still very annoyed, grumble. “Your kids are mostly adults now, you know. And you never told me about Damian either. Did you honestly think I’d be mad?” Bruce looked away from her, which was honestly all the answer she needed. Marinette sighed, letting him go and softening her voice. “You need to trust your kids more, Bruce. I never wanted you to keep me a secret from your family, or even your close friends. Just the annoying ass paparazzi. And trust me a little bit more, yeah? I know it isn’t exactly your strong suit, but I’ve known you long enough that you should know I’m not gonna run for the hills just because you have a biological kid that wasn’t with me.” Marinette risked giving him a slightly vulnerable, lopsided smile. And Bruce immediately deciphered what it meant. His shoulders slumped.

The cost of using the Ladybug Miraculous for so long was that Marinette had to give up her fertility. She could never have children of her own, and Bruce had felt guilty that he had had a biological child, even though he hadn’t exactly consented to it, without her. But now he could see where he went wrong.

Marinette was just happy to have another piece of him to take care of. She never would have resented him for what had happened with Talia. And, seeing all of those facts written on her face now, he felt more than a little blind.

“... sorry.”

Marinette just huffed out a short, soft laugh before grabbing Bruce by the bicep. She turned to look at the other heroes still in the room, half of them uncomfortable with seeing such an emotional display while the others looked like they were incredibly invested in a good soap opera. She shot them a grin.

“I’m stealing him for the next few days, okay? Don’t worry, I’m sure you can make do with making Diana read the slideshow. I know from experience that it has everything you guys need to know and more. Don’t call us, I’ll field all your contact to Agent A!!” With that, she dragged Bruce by the arm out of the room.

To be fair, he wasn’t exactly resisting. Even if the reunion was far from ideal, just having this little bit of contact was extremely relaxing for the vigilante. When they reached the Zeta Tubes, he stopped Marinette and pulled her in for a kiss.

When they inevitably pulled away for breath, he smiled at her. “As soon as we get back, I’ll call everyone in and explain the situation,” he promised. “And then, we can spend the rest of the night doing whatever you want.”

Marinette smiled back, shoving him into the Zeta Tube. “Then get ready, because I wanna sleep off this damn jet lag and I plan on cuddling you like a koala the whole time. No escape.”

“B-001, Codename BATMAN. Recognized.”

“Can’t wait,” he replied right before he was whisked off. The sound of the love of his life laughing followed him through until he reached the other end of the teleportation.

—*—*—*—*—*

@maribat-writing-and-prompts

noted | oneus soulmate au

[lee keonhee] — as a stationery hoarder, you were bound to have mistaken your soulmate link stationery for your favorite ones at some point in your life. and boy did it give keonhee the biggest scare of his life.

soulmate au wherein you have this limited stack of sticky notes. write whatever you want on it, and that note would magically appear somewhere in your soulmate’s line of sight during that day. 

Pairing: keonhee / reader (gender-neutral) Genre: soulmate au, non-idol au, musician au, fluff, humor Word Count: 1945 words

☽. check out the other members’ versions below! ravn | seoho | leedo | keonhee | hwanwoong | xion

note: this marks the end of the soulmate series! i’ve been reading feedback from people, and i greatly appreciate the love these stories are getting, thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

“Ah, crap.” You mutter to yourself as you stare at your study desk.

Crap is right, it appears you’ve finally understood what caused your misfortune in school earlier

You were certain that you wrote a note two days ago to buy some of your groceries and to accomplish your homework in advance

And well, you did put it on your desk

It’s just that

It didn’t stay on your table

It ended up on Keonhee’s refrigerator

Well you don’t know yet that it’s at Keonhee’s home now

Because you’re still convinced that you simply misplaced your sticky note reminder

Which still pisses you off because losing it was the reason why you weren’t able to prepare your lunch for today

And why your homework started to accumulate and pile up

In hindsight, high schooler you never bothered exploring your soulmate link

You were busy with other things

School work, extra curriculars

Extra curriculars which, in your case, involves learning how to play your instrument of choice

And other matters like purchasing every cute sticky note pad you find

lmao who can resist a sticky note pad in the shape of a corgi’s butt tbh

Understanding your soulmate link only became a matter of importance to you now that you’re experiencing an anomaly in your routine

It sounds sad, but deep down you know that there isn’t a point in rushing to meet your soulmate if you’re bound to spend the rest of your life with them anyway

So that brings us back to your current situation

Crap is right, you just sent your grocery list and homework reminder to your soulmate

The first interaction you’ve ever had with them

Happened in high school, without even a warm greeting written on it

And instead, a note that terrified Keonhee into believing he was the one with homework that he forgot to do

It’s a bit anticlimactic, especially for the ever-romantic Lee Keonhee

But Keonhee boy here will take whatever he can get, even if it was an accidental sticky note

So he forgives you uwu

Even though you made him drop his last glass of milk when it suddenly appeared in front of his fridge

He can buy another carton of milk lol

But the odd thing is, it’s still weird that you still forgot about your grocery list and homework

Keonhee made sure to write a note to you back with your list and homework, along with a little message from him

It should appear on your line of sight, in fact you should have seen it two days ago

You’re still puzzled, desperately looking for that sticky note you remembered putting on your desk

Until you hear your sibling call for you, saying that they found your sticky note

“Yo, (Y/N)! Your note is on the fridge!” Is their reply, followed by the door of the refrigerator closing.

Huh? On the fridge?

Weird

And true to their word, it was on your family refrigerator, just beside a commemorative picture magnet of you and your family

Your note with your grocery list and homework is there

Except it wasn’t in your handwriting

You tear the note off the surface and analyze it, and you’re surprised to see something else written on it

Hi soulmate! I think you accidentally wrote your list on our soulmate link, so I wrote it down for you again! I may have dropped my glass of milk in shock bc of u, but its ok. Take care! - LKH

Oop

It’s your soulmate :0

Now you’re embarrassed that this had to happen

Despite the scenario

You find it funny, because he wrote it on the corner of the pad and he tried to cram in the last few words of his letter by not only writing the words in short-cut

but also by curving his writing upward to fit the remaining words in

Although

You’re hesitating on writing back to this “LKH” person because you know your soulmate link has limited sticky notes to work with

So you opt to not reply anymore, and you go back to your usual business

Until it happens again :]

Like before, you didn’t mean to write it on your soulmate link

You were supposed to write on a sticky note the pieces you have to practice and a reminder to finalize your repertoire for the next culminating concert you’ll participate in

It just so happened your favorite notepads specifically for that purpose

Was just beside your soulmate link ones

Thirty minutes after practice, when you arrive home, you’re surprised that instead of your reminder

It’s another note from “LKH”

Looks like it ended up with your soulmate again

And it definitely did, it ended up on Keonhee’s music score for Pie Jesu from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Requiem

While he was practicing

And it made him belt out a vibrato-powered scream, along with a well-executed comedic fall onto his ass

what is new tbh

Anyway, so the note right?

You pick it up again and scan through it

He kind-heartedly rewrote the reminder for you, and yet again another message from him; this time written more legibly

Hi soulmate! I didn’t know you played an instrument, I’m actually taking voice lessons! I was singing for my repertoire until your note arrived and scared me to death ㅠㅠ Good luck with Salut d’Amour and your repertoire! -LKH

MAN at this rate you might end up running out of sticky notes because of accidental usage,,,,,

But you think it’s sweet of your soulmate to wish you luck :(( 

AND you guys are both classical musicians :((

Boo hoo your heart is soft :((

Moved by your Soft Heart, you test out if you can actually maximize your soulmate link by cutting up your sticky notes so that you can finally reply to LKH without worrying that your notes will run out fast

And it works !

You thank Keonhee for wishing you luck, expressing the nervousness and excitement you have in anticipation.

You make it a point to apologize for not replying to everything he sends also, and for sending stuff by accident

Keonhee follows suit and cuts them in half too and replies to you almost immediately

After a few sticky notes shared, both of you finally settled with sharing your social media accounts so that you can get to know each other better

Because lmao there aren’t any conditions to this soulmate link so why not right?

Since that moment in high school, Keonhee and you have become close online friends

You’ve spent so much time online getting to know him and it was going great

But you aren’t sure that you love him romantically yet

You haven’t even met him face to face

And no amount of classical music recommendations and practice video recordings could help you assess your own feelings towards him

Keonhee may be sweet and romantic, but it doesn’t feel right yet ya feel?

It kinda sucks because you can’t meet up since you live cities away from each other

And the colleges you were planning on going, despite being both Conservatories of Music, were still far away from each other

Keonhee doesn’t express his longing to meet you and give you affection, knowing that it might ruin the established friendship you both built together

So when college rolls around, your friendship remains the same, except now you have more to share thanks to your experiences in your respective majors

You’re a bit more wary with the sticky notes you use in fear of accidentally sending it back to Keonhee and to prevent him from finding out the ridiculous PE subject you accidentally enrolled in

And you’re extra careful when it comes to conversing with your soulmate, knowing that he must be busy

It sort of reduces the interaction, to the point that the only time you guys get to talk is when TwoSet Violin posts a new video or if there’s a funny classical music meme you can tag each other in

Though deep down, you don’t want to lead him on and play with his feelings

Since high school, you were very focused on your school work and your extra curriculars

It wasn’t even in your plan to think about your soulmate; thinking it was going to come along naturally, not accidentally

But as time passes, you’re starting to miss Keonhee :(

It’s already the second semester in your first year of college and the last messages you sent each other were “Happy New Year”s and “Good luck” messages for the next semester

And your finals performance is already being discussed by your professors; the schedule, the venue, the attire, the repertoire, literally everything

With more details being divulged and discussed, your longing for your old friend is starting to rekindle into something a bit bigger

Similarly to your routine, you reach out for a sticky note in your envelope to jot down the next reminders

Except

This time, you’re reaching out for your soulmate link sticky notes on purpose

As the professor speaks, you’re writing the finalized details neatly, finishing off the message with a personal note from you. 

XX University’s Conservatory of Music Annual Culmination Concert May 30, 20XX at the University Concert Hall 6:30 pm onwards Guests to wear semi-formal and reserve tickets via faculty or students enrolled in the university.                 Hey Keonhee, I’d like to invite you                 to my culmination concert. Do you                 think you can make it? - (Y/N)

You remember to take a picture of it on your phone so you don’t forget the reminders

When the class ends you stick the note on your notebook, knowing it will appear in Keonhee’s line of vision later

However, the longer you wait, the more stupid you feel for doing that on purpose

Keonhee is busy, you remind yourself, why would you invite him to your culmination concert when he probably has his own to worry about?

The stupid feeling is morphing into a fearful one, now you’re scared that this could potentially make things more awkward and quiet than they already are

You sulk for the rest of the day, and you dread to see Keonhee’s reply

Except when it does arrive

It’s carefully placed on the spot of your work desk where you always leave your reminders

Keonhee must have thought it was another accidental send, because he rewrote the details of your culmination concert

You feel disappointed now

He could have at least said yes or no to your invitation, instead of ignoring it ://

You pick up the sticky note, but you’re shocked to see something written on the back

You flip it and read the note

I’ll be there :) Are you a fan of flowers? I’ll be ready with a bouquet of your favorite flowers Maestro (Y/N) ♡

It’s the first time you’ve become flustered over your soulmate, and honestly? You’re relishing in the feeling that comes after the initial embarrassment

You send him the name of your favorite flowers via online messaging, along with a thank you for accepting the invitation and an expression of your excitement to finally meet him

He replies promptly: Noted, soulmate! See you soon and good luck with your repertoire 😘♥♥♥

No amount of music memes and short greetings could help you assess your own feelings towards him

But now that you’re anticipating for the performance date and your first meeting with Keonhee

You can at least conclude that you may have a tiny bit of affection for your soulmate

It feels as if angels are singing symphonies to the tempo of your heart

And it’s music to your ears

DCOM Rankings #96: Bad Hair Day

So I guess this is one of those “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” things. The thumbnail image on Disney+ made it feel like it was some kind of goofy comedy for little kids. And that I was going to be in for a miserable 90 minutes. Thank the lord almighty that I was wrong.

I don’t know what the 2010’s DCOM’s have been doing but these movies in general have not been that bad! Yes of course there were a few duds but so far I haven’t had to grade any of these with a D. This movie follows that trend.

The movie starts off like it’s going to be stupid. But once Liz shows up, everything gets so much better. And it probably helps that it’s the mom from good luck Charlie that plays her, and she does it SO effing well. Like she is an amazing actress and knows how to be aggressive without being too aggressive. She was made for both the roles she was given. But yeah I really liked her as a character. I thought she was the exact foil that morgan needed.

Edit: so about this particular actress, literally as I was typing this I saw a video on Reddit of her at some sort of school PTA meeting ranting about not getting vaccinated or the “bullshit”rules about masks. Said that she’s a “California refugee” and had a “very successful Hollywood career” and that she’s better than everyone. Oh boy. Now I lost pretty much all my respect for her as a person. I didn’t think she was that kind of lady in real life. I guess that’s why she plays the role so well…it’s so sad to see ex Disney stars go off the deep end like this. But just wanted to point this out!

I guess I’ll start taking about the other characters while I’m at it. Morgan started off as a superficial Internet mini star who used online polls to have everyone else decide what she wears, eats, etc. She never decides anything for herself. And at first you’re like “oh it’s 2015 now everyone uses the Internet and social media like this” but then she gets into the reasons for why she does it and it broke my heart a little bit.

Side note: this movie got deep a little bit. I was surprised. When I was watching it, it didn’t really feel like a DCOM at times, it felt like a regular movie. That’s probably the best way to explain it. Morgan’s mom left her when she was 3 years old. And she has carried that guilt that somehow it was her fault that she left, for the rest of her life up to that point. I mean, mom’s do sometimes up and leave because they couldn’t handle the kid(s), I mean that can be a reason, a shitty reason but a reason, to leave. Maybe she said something that wasn’t meant for little morgan to hear. You don’t know that piece but you can kind of draw your own conclusions on that one.

Anyway, she felt that by being herself she was doing something wrong and therefore started asking everyone else how she needed to act, and now it delved into the 2010’s Internet culture with her online polls. Of course she still makes some decisions on her own, like the necklace that started the whole shebang. But this is the kind of character that I love because I love to analyze them on a deeper level (if they get that deep to begin with).

The rest of the characters are all pretty generic and one dimensional but that’s okay. As long as I care about my main character(s) then that’s fine. And the two leads were really good! This movie kind of reminds me of zootopia in the way the story is set up, they go on a quest to solve a mystery, they run into issues along the way, and it’s just a buddy cop movie. It’s fun! I like these kinds of adventures. The build up to the conflict was very believable, the conversations were believable, and while some of the scenarios did seem a little far fetched, it’s not totally and completely out of the question. Even though I knew that the ending would be happy, I didn’t know how this movie was going to end. And I think that’s what I really like about this movie, it wasn’t so predictable. There was obvious linkage between Liz and Morgan when people called them “mother and daughter” a million times in the movie, but honestly that mistake could happen in real life too. So I’m not too annoyed about that.

The overall theme is a slightly overused but good one, with a good modern spin to it. You can’t please everybody, but you can please yourself. You’re the only one who always has to live with the decisions you make (whether or not they affect other people) and if everyone else is happy and you aren’t, is it worth it? This is one of those things that I’ve been trying to work on myself. I don’t have an opinion on a lot of things because I don’t want to “take sides” or have a portion of people be angry at me. Even though it almost never happens! I’m such a people pleaser because I think it’s always so much easier to do something someone else wants to do than have my own opinion. And that just isn’t okay, especially if it makes me upset. There are some folks in my circle that are very picky about what we do/where we go, and I just give in because it’s not like I’ll be extremely pissed if we do this right? I gotta do what makes them most comfortable. I’ve always been such a free floater but that also leaves room for people to take advantage of that “oh, don’t worry she’ll do it, she can handle it” without even asking me.

Sorry I got off on a tangent. Point is, I know what Morgan is dealing with to an extent. The pacing in those movie is really good! Every action leads into the next action and so on. And I feel like that’s usually the case with these buddy cop movies, where they just go to the next piece of evidence which gives them a clue to the next one, and etc. But hey if it works it works. I’m not asking for an Oscar quality movie here. The humor was pretty funny. Some of it was a little cringey when Liz was trying to flirt. Like…okay no one is THAT bad at flirting.

One thing that I thought was weird was when the jewel thief threatened Monica that he’ll do something to her dad if she didn’t show up with the diamond. And then he sends her a picture of her dad all tied up but it’s SOOOO photoshopped. It’s so bad. I legitimately thought that the thief was joking and doesn’t really have him but you know that’s not true considering the last scene with the thief. But still I thought it was all just a trap to get her to fork over the diamond but nope he was really there all tied up. They could have done a video of him struggling and then I would be like ohhh okay he means business. Idk that was one thing I thought was strange.

Speaking of the villain, he was fine. Nothing to write home about but he fulfilled his villainy tasks and he was pretty threatening at times. Not the best villain ever but he did his job as his role in the story and that’s really all I can ever ask from a DCOM. At least he wasn’t super mustache twisty and crazy like some of the other villains in this line up.

I don’t think this movie has many bad aspects to it, just some little flaws here and there. And now that I know more about the good luck Charlie actress I don’t know if I would watch this movie anymore. Which is a huge bummer because the ending was super sweet and exactly what Morgan needed. The whole movie was pretty good. It ain’t fair lol.

Grading time I guess. Okayyyyyy well I think I was going to have this at an A but I think I’m going to put it in A- just because I don’t think I’ll watch the movie again. Maybe someday but now I’ll just have a bad taste in my mouth every time I see Liz on screen and that’s a problem because she’s one of the leads! Anyway, still an A-range movie but just lower on that scale. Originally I was going to put this above Cloud 9 but I would watch Cloud 9 over this because it was just so much more comforting. But whatever, still A range!!

Alrighty! Next movie is a sequel! Wooooo! And I bet it won’t be nearly as good! (Or necessary) but we’ll see!

As I walked the thing of chaos this morning I got to thinking about our future, and by our future I’m not talking just the furry beast and mine, I’m talking ours, the current caretakers of the western world.

Yep, going to be a deep dive this morning, there’s a lot to process out there, so grab a Java and open your mind, we need to talk.

I’m a big picture thinker and fact driven, it’s both a blessing and a curse as I tend to over analyze situations at times to determine direction. Data is my friend, facts drive my decisions.

By all measures we are in a world of hurt right now, we’ve lost leave of our senses and we are making really bad choices these days. We are like the teenagers left home for the weekend for the first time and I’m sure our intention was just “to have a couple friends over” even though mom and dad said no, and maybe we know that things could take a bad turn. Problem is when you are a teenager you don’t realize how hard mom and dad worked to buy and build that home you take for granted, and as the police drive away in the early morning hours as you stand at where the front door used to be looking out on the contents of your home on the front lawn like a scene out of Animal House you get that pit of the stomach feeling of the trouble you are going to be in when your parents get back early from their romantic weekend getaway. Problem is you aren’t think about where you are going to sleep tonight.

The majority of human beings are emotional thinkers, people driven by passion and feelings, not logic and reason. Look no further than South Africa. Right now, right this minute there are food lines everywhere, tens of miles long, everywhere. There’s a mass starvation event occurring there and it’s going to get much, much worse in the days and weeks to come. Didn’t know? No? Are you curious why the fact that many South Africans have no access to food right now and yet it’s not plastered on every news feed 24/7 like the sexual deviance outcomes of a piss poor human being?

You see when you get angry and break your toys you only hurt yourself. But most people aren’t rational enough to understand that until they are standing in line 6 miles away from the only open supermarket in their neighbourhood, because they got mad, threw a fit and burned down their communities.

We undoubtedly are one of the most stupid species on the planet. Only humans would shit where they sleep, even my dog is smarter than that, and he’s not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Folks we are on the precipice of a significant mass extinction event, and don’t just take my conspiracy thinking word for it, sit down and do the research. Look at the indicators. Watch the videos of people being shot dead in the streets, watch the riots and civil disobedience going on around the globe. It’s not a matter of if it will happen here, it’s a matter of when, just like dad knew deep down you were going to have that party the minute their tail lights crossed the town limits.

This is what happens when you don’t think before you vote, elect stupid people, and don’t take responsibility for your actions. We’ve spent the last 50+ years diminishing personal accountability to the point everyone’s a victim and it’s not my fault I can’t eat.

Read that again.

I don’t know any species of mammal alive today that bases it’s existence on another, it’s virtually Darwin’s entire theory in action. Only the strong survive, and believe me, they will and the big Problem is in our current state those we elected to protect the common good will be the ones surviving and you and I my friend will go the way of the do do bird.

Get it yet?

We can still stop what is about to happen here, I’m not so sure other parts of the world will be able too, but we could if we wanted too yet all we focus on is how many people have runny noses, not the fact that the ruling class is purposely trying to burn down the world.

As a student of history (hobby, not academic) I know that time and time again we have allowed the ideology of the few to lead to mass genocides that see one group of people kill millions of people who don’t think like they do.

It’s happening again, and like Thelma and Louise we have the foot to the floor.

Right now here at home we have people ready to completely ostracize from society those family and friends that for whatever reason won’t take an experimental concoction in their arm that’s killing a high incidence of those people to protect them from a virus that has a higher survivability rate than most common diseases and if you don’t think this idea won’t end badly then you should run for Congress.

Seriously, Look at it from this perspective. What if this unproven, untested, and entirely novel concoction starts causing serious side effects in a year or two. Not saying it will, but for the sake of a Friday morning discussion, let’s say it starts causing immune systems to over react with the next mutated strain of the virus, like for example Dengue.

You’ve stuck that jab in your entire first response line, your army, doctors, nurses, police officers, etc. They would be the first to go.

Shame really. Who helps those who help?

Again, I’m not saying thats what’s next, but I’m saying as a safety dude that’s a really bad idea.

I’ve come to the realization that soon I’ll be forced to start making decisions that will be life changing because my beliefs are different from the herds, and I plan on living my life by the principles that have worked for me over these past 53 years. I don’t plan on being part of anyone else’s plan, well, at least willingly.

There’s a photo that has stuck in my head since I seen it in a history book back in the 1970’s, I’ve referenced it over the years as a singular reminder why we need to always confront evil when we see it before it gets out of hand and is allowed to run unchecked throughout society, before ideology takes root. It’s a black and white photo taken in the 1940’s of a young mother standing naked on the edge of a pit holding a naked child as a German S/S soldier levels a rifle at the back of her head. The mother is holding onto the child in the most tender embrace and the child is nuzzled into mom. The helplessness on both faces is dwarfed only by the steely eyed fixed gaze of the soldier who is about to follow orders once again.

Maybe she didn’t want the jab.

Do not think it can’t happen again, it already is. Don’t take my word for it, look it up. Do the research. Don’t listen to the media, they are all parroting a script. Think for yourself.

It’s being done on purpose, think of why create confusion in the middle of the worse Global pandemic ever (hint, that’s extreme sarcasm, look up the percentage of the global population that died during the 1918 pandemic and make your own decision of the end justifies the means). We can manage this pandemic now, we just don’t want too. The allure of power is too strong, the love of power and control is a blood lust few will understand prior to experiencing the results.

I have no love of power, although I understand how to use it and when it’s appropriate, but never understood the need to arbitrarily force another to bend to my will, well at least without a vigorous debate on the rationale for the need to bend the knee. That folks us where we fell off the turnip truck, we stopped having discussions and started being told with no room for debate.

That’s why we can’t have nice things right now, we are allowing the stupid people to rule the smart, and in my opinion that’s a bad thing. Look no further than the arrogance of the ruling class, and you can pick hundreds of examples each day of for thee, not me.

If I sexually harassed women at work I’d be fired the day the report was issued after the investigation. If I lied to the ATF on a firearm background check, a class one felony, I’d go to jail for a term not to exceed ten years. If it came out that I was lying to people about things I should be an expert in, you’d think people would eventually not believe me, right?

But not if your in the ruling class, all those examples are real yet you all can see the lack of accountability and the double standard.

Why do you look away?

I think I know why, but I can’t answer for you, you have to live with your choices like I will min, but I wish I lived in a world where people thought enough about others and less about themselves to not force their will on others’ for the sake of power.

Anyway, it’s another rainy day here at the beach, me and the dog are going to go for a walk on the ocean floor and enjoy the solitude of a beautiful august day in the most beautiful part of the world I know, and be thankful for those men and women who last stormed a beach to allow me at least 50 odd years of freedom to explore my life and experience life the way I believe it should be, unmolested and free.

Where do we go from here? It’s within us.

Jim out.

Writing through the Decade: 14 years old (2012)

So this was some sorta original fiction, I think it was supposed to turn into an Avengers fanfic or something. I don’t even know if this is finished. I haven’t read through it in forever, So I’m going to apologize for whatever cluster of word barf this turns out to be. I was fourteen when I wrote this, I’m pretty sure....

I think there was some influence from the Maximum Ride series and Percy Jackson and the Hunger Games and a lot of things

Running from myself

Clutching my arms close to my body, I tried to keep hold on whatever warmth I had left. The ground below was littered with my small camp from last night, and the tree I slept in creaked with every move I made. The late morning sun shined brightly through the leaves above me. The sun light felt good so I spread open my feathery charcoal wings on my back and let the sun warm them. I jumped gracefully from my branch and landed lightly on the ground near where I hung my food supply. Its been close to a year since I ran away from my old life. My family, friends, the idiots with the media who just wanted their stupid story, all of them out of my life. Then unfortunately, the gruesome images come crawling back to me. The insane monster of a man holding a knife to my back, the countless syringes he plunged into my arm, the fiery explosion that finally ended him and his heinous experiments. It’s because of him that I have wings, and my body morphs into different people. I finished eating my breakfast, and began to clean up my small camp. I didn’t have much to pack up really; one frying pan, a small pot, three small water bottles, matches, my small food supply, a compass, and two sets of clothes, all of which fit into my back pack. Before long, it looked just like the world around it. Normal, something I wished I could be again. I just finished changing when the bush next to me started to rustle violently. I jumped back just as a large German Sheppard leaped forward, teeth bared, and ready to attack. His cold bloodthirsty eyes eyed me viciously as I took out my frying pan. “How is this possible?” I said eyeing the dog cautiously. “I’m miles away from any city! I’m in the middle of freaken nowhere!” I thought panic rising in my chest. I held up the pan as another dog bounded out from the brush behind me. “Mae, Mae, Mae.” A cold voice cackled from somewhere behind the trees. “Did you really think you could escape me that easily?” “I thought you were dead,” I said flatly. “And in what way is making a laboratory explode easy? But then again I guess you monsters would know all about that kind of thing.” I added to hide the fear boiling up. “Monster? Is that really what you think of me, Mae?” the insane mad man said pretending to be taken back as he stepped into my view. Allister’s mouth twisted into a cruel sneer, and his blacker than his soul eyes laughed at my frying pan weapon. “So since you’re not dead after all, what do you want with me?” I demanded eyeing the snarling dogs. The way his sneer blurred into a vicious smile, made my stomach churn. “Isn’t it obvious? My only surviving test subject got away from me.” He reached for something on his belt as he crept closer. The dogs snapped at my heels as I tried to step back. “And I intend to get it back!” Allister shouted as he flung a weighted net at me. In that same instant, my wings burst open and propelled me up and over the dogs as they jumped at my feet. The net came crashing down on the beast as they tried attack again. Allister’s cruel smile melted into an icy glare as I smirked at the failed capture. “You’ve lost your touch Allister.” I mocked as I landed again. “But it seems that’s not the only thing you’ve lost.” I said noticing his most of his blood red hair was either missing or burned. I heard more rustling to my right. On instinct, I swung my pan just as a Doberman Pincher hurled its self at me. It yelped in pain and fell to the ground with a sickening thud. “You little brat!” Allister shouted in rage as he drew his gun. In one fluid movement, I grabbed my pack, and used the monster’s chest as a spring bored to take off into the afternoon sky. “So long Monster. You won’t be missed!” I taunted as Allister stumbled to his feet. The wind felt so amazing as it flowed through my feathers, and the day seemed as bright as I felt. BANG! Pain shot through my leg. “You son of a biscuit!” I shouted as I glared down at the monster. With that, I took off into the clouds faster.

~~~~~~~

When I felt I was at least out sight I dared to glance down at my still stinging leg. To my surprise, it wasn’t completely gushing blood. It only cut the skin and what little it had bled already stopped. “Huh I guess it just grazed me,” I thought as I continued soaring over the countryside. The trees became smaller and smaller as I flew west. I really didn’t have a set destination, I went wherever I wanted, whenever I pleased. Soon the small forest gave way to smaller and dryer trees and then eventually farmlands. Considering I was somewhere in southwestern Tennessee and now I was seeing more of what looked like northeastern Texas, I had to say I was making pretty good time getting nowhere. I checked my water supply and decided I needed a refill. I swooped down closer to look for a river or any source of water really. I landed heavily along the bank of a large rushing river. I knelt down by the edge and unpacked my water bottles as I crouched over the side. I jumped back startled that the reflection I saw wasn’t mine. Staring at me with startled crystal blue eyes, and messy midnight black hair, was a teenage boy. I looked behind me, but of course no one was there. I looked back at water and the boys face relaxed along with mine. He or I guess I should I let out a sigh of relief. Sad blue eyes stared back at me as I filled my water bottles. Unlike when I usually shift, I knew the boy I looked like, and it broke my heart to see his face again. Skyler, was the best friend a girl could ask for. He was always there when I needed him and kept me out of trouble. Little did I know he turned out to be something like an agent in training. I still don’t fully understand what he did. Anyways, the Monster wanted to kill Skyler along with the other agents like him, and anyone related to them in anyway. That’s how I got dragged into this mess. Allister came after us one day when we went to an amusement park. He posed as a park security officer and accused Skyler and me of vandalizing the park in order to get us out of the public eye. As soon as we were out of sight he pulled out his gun, shot Skyler in the back, and kidnapped me in chaos that unleashed through the gunfire. For a month, I was held captive, tested on and relived Skyler’s final moments. Allister said the experiments were to unlock mankind’s true potential, when in reality he wanted to watch me suffer. Not long after I was changed into the body-morphing freak I am today, some kind of tremor rocked the entire laboratory. Allister cursed at his monitoring system just as the doors to the room were blown open. There stood Skyler gun in hand, ready to shoot the Monster. The next thing I knew I was running for my life as the building went into emergency lockdown and slowly counted down the seconds I had left. I made it out in time, while the explosion threw Skyler violently from the exit. It was there as he laid dying in my arms that I finally believed him when he said he loved me. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts, as I continued refilling my water. I closed my eyes and concentrated on trying to look like my self again. Slowly but surely I felt my long hair grow back and my body turn smaller. I looked back in the river and saw a worn out, puffy brown eyed, beaten down, long black haired teen-aged girl. “Back normal,” I thought with relief. I looked up at the sky as the last fingers of sunlight stretched across the horizon. I debated staying there near the river, but it still felt too close to where Allister found me this morning. So it was a race against time to get nowhere fast. Again I took off soaring into the sun set, I could feel the wind pick up and it brought the smell of rain with it. I started to panic slightly. I had never flown in the rain and with night falling I really didn’t want to get caught in it. The clouds began to darken as I kept flying, yet some how I had the bright idea to keep going the same direction. Lightning flashed across the purple orange sky, and my wings caught the now raging wind. “That’s it I need to find shelter,” I thought finally. I looked down and saw nothing that looked like it could protect me from the storm. A small strip of grey caught my eye as it snaked its way through the countryside. I dove down to get a better look at the highway, and that’s when I saw it. I deep red Chevy truck flying down the road. I don’t know why but that particular truck called out to me. It had two covers on the tailgate, so the gap was just big enough for me to climb into, and that’s exactly what I did. No sooner had I crawled under the protection of the tailgate covers did the rain start coming down. “Thank God I found this just in time,” I thought very relieved. Slowly I let the steady rumble of the trucks engine put me to sleep.

~~~~~

“Hey! Hey, kid wake up! Darn it kid wake up, people are gonna think I kidnapped you or something!” A strong girl’s voice yelled at me as she pulled my legs over the edge of the tailgate. “Ouch!” I yelped in pain when she hit my wounded calf. I flinched back when my eyes flew open to a harsh glaring afternoon sun. “Good you’re up. Now get out of my truck.” The girl said sharply. She looked a little older than me, at least nineteen maybe twenty. Her brown hair fell in light layers to her shoulders, and her brown eyes seemed to be analyzing everything at once. She looked frustrated but there was a hint of sympathy in her stern face. “Where am I?” I asked rubbing the sleep from eyes. “At a gas station in Roswell, New Mexico kid.” She said flatly and unsurprised. “How the heck did you get in the back of my truck?” She asked part of her southern accent showing through. “Well one, stop calling me kid. I’m sixteen and you’re what nineteen? Twenty? You’re still pretty much a kid still if you’re calling me kid. Second it doesn’t matter, I’ll get out of your hair now. Thanks for the lift.” I said jumping down from the truck. The girl looked at me with serious eyes, trying to figure me out. “What’s your name kid?” I didn’t answer “When’s the last time you ate some thing?” “Yesterday morning.” “Geez what’ve you been eating? Your as thin as a tooth pick!” She said looking me over her eyes softening the tiniest bit. I shrugged I wasn’t going to argue I figured I looked pretty bad and sick. “Okay kid here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to buy you some food and then get you to a phone or police station so you can call your parents. Okay?” she said leaving no room for debate. “Come on I think you might like a hot dog from here or something.” “Mae” I said quietly hopping out of the truck and trying unsuccessfully to hid my wings. “What did you–?” She stuttered when she saw my wings. “My names Mae. Not kid.” I said stubbornly ignoring the stares as we walked to the gas station convenient store. “What’s yours?” I asked not looking at her. “Andrea Wayne. What’s your last name I need it for when I drop you off.” I stayed quiet for a long time. “Kyle.” I finally said. I needed the food but I didn’t want Andrea to take me back. Sure she thought she was doing something good, but as soon as we paid I planed on running away. But when we walked out I some how couldn’t find the strength to do it. Andrea was the first person in a year to show me any kind of kindness and if I’m being honest I really didn’t want her to go. We climbed in her truck, then ate lunch in silence. There was something calming about eating lunch with a total stranger. Once Andrea finished she started the truck and started down the road. I couldn’t help it, tears started rolling down my face. I couldn’t believe what was happening. All year I didn’t cry, and now I felt like I was about to have a mental break down in front of a complete stranger. Andrea noticed but didn’t say anything at first. “Happy to go home Mae?” She questioned. She seemed to know already but I guess she felt she still needed to ask. “No. Not really. I don’t want to go back.” I said tears streaming down my face, yet some how my voice was even. For some reason I just started unleashing everything on Andrea. Everything I had kept bottled up over the last year. “I know it probably sounds weird, but I don’t want to go. Everyone back home looks at me like I’m a monster. I don’t know if you noticed but I have huge bird wings on my back!” I started almost yelling now. Andrea didn’t flinch, her steady eyes stayed on the road, while she absorbed everything I’ve told her. “I cant go back. He’ll find me. He’ll hurt my family, friends, heck he might even kill you now just for helping me!” “Hey, its okay Mae. Its okay.” Andrea said in a soft voice. She turned to look at me, her eyes growing wide with shock, then she quickly recovered. “Did I forget to mention that I’m a shape shifting freak?” I smiled through my tears. “What do I look like?” I asked taking a glance at the side mirror. It didn’t surprise me when the face I saw was Andrea’s. I looked just like her only I seemed more fragile, and broken. I concentrated on my own looks and gradually I began to look like my self again. “Mae, I wont take you back if that’s really what you want. But I wont have you flying all over the country like some wild child. I also don’t think I could live with myself if I let you do that and who ever is after you gets a hold of you. You can stay with me, but you have to tell me everything that’s happened. I mean everything.” Andrea said staring at the open road. “Okay,” I sighed. “But get ready for long story.” I told her everything. She said she wanted the whole story and that’s what she got. Everything from meeting Skyler, to finding out he was an agent, when I got kidnapped, the experiments, to Skyler dying in my arms. I told her about how when I got home my family kind of pushed me to the side, how alone I felt, how everyday reporters would swarm my house interrogating me about my life and the kidnapping. I told her how I couldn’t take it any more, how trapped I felt. I told her about what happened the morning before I met her how I wound up in the back of her truck. If something freaked her out, she didn’t show it. She seemed totally calm as I explained everything her only comment was, “When we stop for the night I need to bandage your leg, other wise it’ll get infected.” It was only six o’clock, but we still stopped when we made it to Albuquerque. Andrea pulled into some dinky little hotel and told me to wait in the truck. Five minutes later, she came back with a triumphant smile and keys to room in her hand. I grabbed my pack and followed Andrea to the room. “Hey how did do you feel about pizza for dinner?” she asked looking at small plastic menu. “They have room service here?” I said in disbelief. “I know right! So I’ll take that as a yes.” She said laughing. It seemed like Andrea was really starting to open up to me. “Dude when’s the last time you’ve had a shower?” She said as she walked passed me to get the phone. “Uhhh.” I stuttered. The only thing I was able to do was swim in rivers and I wasn’t about to do that without clothes. “Like a shower, shower, or like a dump freezing river water on my self shower.” I laughed. “You nasty go take a shower!” Andrea laughed throwing a towel at me. I caught the towel and got my stuff together. “What about my leg?” I asked a little bit worried. “Oh yeah let me take a look.” She said grabbing a small black pouch. “Okay looks like that bullet just barely scraped you. Lucky too, if it would’ve gone through it may have punctured your main vein that runs through there. What kind of gun was it?” she said as she cleaned it up. “I’m not sure. Just looked like a hand gun.” I said wincing. “Mhmm. Well this is interesting….” She mumbled as she took a better look at the small gash. “Are you studying to become a doctor?” I asked curious. She laughed lightly as if the thought of her being a doctor was amusing. “No. I’m actually a mercenary.” She looked up at me with careful eyes, studying my reaction. “But I won’t work for someone who wants their enemies dead. I might be good with a gun but that doesn’t mean like using it. I have almost all of my guns rigged with tranquilizers. No real bullets. You can call me a crook, a thief, a bandit, what ever other names they have for robbers, but I wont ever be called a murderer. I’ll steal and rob, but I’m not going to take someone’s life. That’s not my choice.” She said still looking at my wound. Her calm face turned confused then concerned, then calm again. Something was up. “What’s wrong?” I asked panic started to rise in chest. “Nothing. You should be okay now. Just make sure you clean it good when you take your shower.” She said not meeting my eyes. “Okay if you say so.” I said panicking slightly and went to the bathroom. By the time I got out I heard Andrea’s muffled steady voice coming from the main room. It sounded like she was talking on the phone. I assumed she was ordering the pizza but then as I listened closer she sounded pissed. “How did you get this number...........Like I’m gonna believe that trash. No, why should I? I don’t care…..how much? I don’t know…..I’ll think about it. But I swear if you ever call this number again, you’ll be sorry.” Andrea said sternly. As I stepped out of the bathroom she hung up the phone. Before I could ask who it was she took out the battery, crushed the SD card, opened the door and threw the phone out side. “What did you do that for?” I asked cautiously. “That freak scientist guy freaken called me. He some how knew you were with me and got my number. He could use it to track us.” Andrea said quickly. She scanned the room abruptly then her head snapped to my injured leg. “Mae let me see your leg!” she demanded. “What’s wrong?” I asked panic flooding through me. “Darn it! I knew the cut looked off!” Andrea said inspecting my leg. She looked me dead in the eyes when she spoke again. “Mae the reason that graze hurt so much was because the bullet didn’t just scrape the skin. You were actually hit, but not with a bullet. It was a tracking devise! Mae we have to go now!” Andrea said urgently. She was already getting up and packing her things. “Why should I trust you? You’re a mercenary right? You steal to get paid. How do I know that you’re not just going to hand me over to Allister. Give me one good reason why I should trust you!” I demanded angrily. Andrea looked defeated, as if she knew that was coming. The sad look on her face confirmed my suspicions until she said, “Because I’m your only chance Mae. I know what you’re going through. Of course you probably already figured I’m running too.” She looked me straight in the eyes daring me to question her. “I was raised by crazed uncle who wanted to see the world crumble. He trained me to kill. He trained me to be his personal weapon. I was too blind to see that and now I’m stuck in this mess. I’ve tried to come clean countless times, and every time I just fell into the same routine. Heck, when you flew into the back of my truck I was just running my former boss, who was also my boy friend. When I found you in the tailgate, I was just going to let you go on your way. But when I looked at you I saw something. I saw someone scared, and worried, yet a fighter. I saw my self. I saw a girl not only running for her life but also running from herself. And I knew I had to help you.” She finished hanging her head “I’m sorry.” I said packing up my gear. “Its okay. I figured sooner or later we’d have that discussion.” She smiled weakly then added, “The pizza should be here any sec—“ A knock at the door cut her off. “Who is it?” Andrea said eyeing the door. “Pizza guy.” A deep muffled voice said from the other side of the door. Andrea slowly opened the door. A lean guy stood in the door way his baseball cap covering his eyes. He looked at Andrea then at me. His cold dark eyes seemed to stare right through me. A flash of recognition flickered across face. I didn’t think when I kicked him out the door. His hat fell off revealing singed red hair. “Allister!” I growled. “Mae my dear, nice to see you too.” He said coldly as he stumbled into the parking lot. I stepped out side ready make a run for it. Andrea stayed near the door gun in hand ready to fire. Allister saw this and smiled evilly. “Andrea, have you had a chance to think over my offer?” he said pulling out a stack of cash. “Yes I did, and decided only a sicko would work for a monster like you.” She spat angrily. “Oh such a shame.” He pulled out a small remote and the room exploded throwing Andrea through the air. She landed hard on the ground and didn’t move. Knots formed in my stomach. “Another person is dead because of me,” I thought in despair. I stared at Andrea’s limp body as she laid motionless. “Andrea get up!” I yelled desperately as I felt a tug in my arm. “Now Mae, how many more people must die before you realize you belong to me?” Allister cackled. I turned to look at him and I spat in his face. “Let go of me you sick monster!” I yelled as I tried to get out of his grip. “You little brat! Its useless to try to escape me! Even with the powers I gave you, you’re still to pathetic to even fight back! You cannot fathom the plans I have for you. Though I don’t know why I would still use you after all the trouble you’ve caused me. Then again I could always erase your memory and then you would comply.” He said angrily. I was running low on options and time. Mind reeling I bit down hard on the Monster’s hand. A salty taste contaminated my mouth when Allister released me. He glared at me with hate-filled eyes and pulled out his gun. “I don’t need you!” he spat. “I can use others! With or without you I will –“ “BANG!” There stood Andrea gun drawn and breathing heavily. She looked pissed and relieved at the same time. I ran up to her before she fell over. “Man that guy just wouldn’t shut up.” She sighed with relief. “Welcome to my world.” I said sarcastically. “Was that a real bullet?” I asked cautiously. Andrea just nodded. My eyes grew wide, “Are you okay? I mean you just killed someone!” I said shocked. “I’m fine. I didn’t shoot a person. I shot a monster,” she said quietly. “Well then, now what do we do? The police have been looking for this guy for ever, and now he’s gone. So where does that put us?” Andrea stayed quiet for a long time. “Well I’m pretty sure we’re still going to have to live on the run, but it also means we have to buy another pizza.”

Gilmore Girls Season Two, Episodes 8 & 9

It would be nice to watch one episode of this show where someone I regularly see doesn't set my teeth on edge. I grew up watching weekly TV and it is possible to have conflict between recurring characters where you don't want to put one into a medically induced coma, so they can grow a new personality.

So I can see why I didn't remember much about this episode. Three things that were awesome: Mia, Luke giving Lorelei a pep talk, the development of the painting.

The rest is annoying.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with flights between friends. If everyone was always skipping through meadows it would be stupid. However, as I've said before, I have a problem with conflicts that come about because people don't open their damned mouths. As fast and as often as Lorelei talks, she couldn't say to Sookie “Mia selling this place scares me because this is where Rory and I started out” ? I know that sometimes friends pick fights with each other when they are stressed but in my experience, once you get into your 30s and have friends that have known each other, long enough you can tell that's what happening. There have been numerous times when my best friend or I have started a conversation where one of us is just geared up for a fight. My friend let's me get about ten words in before she says “You're acting weird, tell me what's wrong.” I can be a little more blunt saying something along the lines of “What are you pissed off about?” She has two kids so once I turned the mom tables on her and said: “Use your words”.

Basically a blind cat could see that Lorelei was being an ass and it had nothing to do with Sookie. I have a hard time buying that Sookie wouldn't see it. Why did there need a fight in the first place? Was the script too short? Lorelei could have been freaked out and been a little quiet with Sookie and it would have had the same effect. Luke could have just as easily asked how Lorelei was doing with the business stuff, and they could have had the same heart-to-heart. Lorelei could have come to Sookie and explained why she was being so weird, and they could have had a similar moment. The script must have been two minutes too short.

The town turning on Luke... Yep, officially dislike Jess. Also, not too happy with the rest of the town. I'm a little biased here. I grew up in a small town, while there were no town meetings where everyone got together to decide who to treat badly, there were certain people who were just routinely shit upon. It usually had to do with what last name you had. Two families in particular were sort of singled out as “bad news”. The weird part? Everyone in town (except for a very very small number of people) were in some way related to those two families, hell, those two families were related to each other. It always seemed crazy to me... But then I was one of those few people not related to anyone in town maybe it made sense if you had an inside track?

Anyway, I get where the town is coming from, sort of. Jess is a pain in the ass, but he is doing minor mischief. Star's Hollow should count themselves lucky that they aren't a bigger town because Jess is the type to match his mayhem to the town. In a bigger place, there just might have been a dead animal outside the store instead of a chalk outline.

I did love Rory telling him off. I don't really get why Rory would find the prank funny. I mean, she likes the town, right? And while her and her mom do like seeing Star's Hollow residents be quirky she's never really shown any love of chaos. I mean, yeah, Jess is being the G rated version of Loki, but he's still making a lot of people unhappy. I would think that that alone would annoy Rory.

Also, the vibe I got was that he did the whole prank as a way to get Rory's attention... What's the thought process?

“How do I impress the pretty girl who reads a lot? Talk to her about books? Movies? Just talk to her in general? Nah, too common. I know! Dead body chalk outline and police tape! That's not freakishly odd and totally not an idea I should seek therapy for!”

Then again, I also don't get the thought process of “How do I fix the fact that I made the whole town turn on my uncle? I'll fix the toaster, now we're square!”

Jess is both weird and annoying.

I did like the interaction between Emily and Mia. It is weird because I see both sides. I totally get why Emily would be upset that Mia didn't send her home, but on the other hand I get why Mia didn't. Mia didn't send her home because she couldn't have.

Think about it. A sixteen-year-old turns up with a baby, asking for a job, she has steel and determination in her eyes. If you tell her no, you can tell she's not going to give up. She'll just move on to a place that would hire her and maybe that wouldn't be a place where she and her baby would be safe. If you give her a job and a place to stay and then try to make her go home. You can't be sure that she'll actually go home or stay home, that leaves the pair of them in the same iffy situation. Mia knew that Lorelei and Rory would be safe with her, so she took them in.

Not saying Emily should be happy about it, but as always she is looking at how Lorelei leaving impacted her and Richard, not anyone else. She has never talked to Lorelei, asked what her thinking was, the why of it all. It is just all about Emily. That is annoying. But I do like that she seems to be taking small steps forward.

All in all a fairly forgettable episode.

Episode 8. Don't really know why I forgot this one as I really liked it. I loved the ice cream machine bit. I loved that Lorelei named it and called a bunch of relatives. She should have just donated it to Luke's! Even if he didn't need it he would have taken it. Made it into a planter or something.

I feel sorry for Paris for a number of reasons but this episode highlights one. She's laser focused on college, so much so that she's not getting the most out of her education. The assignment of interpreting Romeo and Juliet in a new way is a great one! It allows for the students to really look at and analyze the play, think about the themes consider which are universal and which were products of the time and culture it was written in. This allows for creative thinking and the development of the ability to think about and use what one is learning. But poor Paris is only worried about the grade and so afraid of taking risks that she will only go with what is standard. I speak from experience here, college will melt your brain until you learn how to think.

The teachers are worried because Rory doesn't socialize? I would think they would also be worried that Paris can't think beyond the rigid boundaries of what is written on a page. This school is supposed to prep the kids for college, right? They aren't doing anything differently than the public schools of the early 2000s (aside from the one rogue teacher, I guess).

I kinda like the fact that Paris ended up being Romeo. If they had used a more modern setting that could have been the plan from the start and the whole Tristian drama could have been avoided. I mean, they could have reinterpreted the whole “forbidden love” thing as a lesbian relationship or with the idea that Romeo might be a DFAB trans guy. It would have highlighted society's issues with non hetero, non binary identities. Hell, if they wanted to go deep they could have figured out a way to address the “LGBTQ+ people don't get happy endings” trope that is obvious in a lot of media.

That would have been interesting as Paris and Rory would have had to work together to make this believable and maybe come out of it with a better idea of each other's perspectives.

Speaking of perspective, it was a throw away joke but I liked that Lane's mom watched and came up with a different take on Romeo and Juliet. In my view, R&J is many things, but a love story it is not! What kind of great love story ends in teen suicide? Sure, I thought of it as a love story when I was younger as do a lot of teenagers. I think this makes a point about the play. Teenagers do dumb things out of emotion (adults do too, but that's a whole other line of thought). This doesn't mean that teens are dumb just that they are feeling things so intensely, probably because it is the first time they have felt these emotions that they do stuff that is not well-thought-out. Add parental pressure to that and you have a powder keg. I think R&J is more about how overly controlling parents can push their kids into dangerous situations. Also, to look at the play in a way that might not have been Shakespeare's intent, it could also be seen as a parable detailing why 14 year olds might not be ready for marriage, arranged or otherwise.

Anyway, the little “love triangle” between Christian, Rory, and Dean in this episode was less interesting. First off, I get that Rory is a pretty girl but why is she like catnip to all the boys? Are there really no other nice girls in Chilton or Star's Hollow? The way all the guys flock to and fight over her, you'd think she was dating a sparkly vampire.

Secondly, am I the only one who sees a lot of similarity between Tristian and Jess? Is that why Tristian had to go? Because he was redundant? It is sort of like Christopher and Max. They both could play the same role so one of them had to be cut. The writers needed to compare notes because I feel like there were a few “Oops, we wrote another doppelganger” discussions.

Thirdly, why is Rory still getting the blame for her and Dean's break up? The whole practice fight between Lorelei and Rory just highlights that Lorelei is sort of mean when it comes to this plot line. Dean told Rory he loved her and then got pissed and broke up with her because she didn't feel comfortable saying it back. How does this make Dean the victim? Just because one person is ready for the L word doesn't mean that the other person is, and that doesn't make the latter person bad. Acting like an ass and breaking up with someone you “love” because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear when you wanted to hear it makes that person a jerk.

This seems sort of like the whole “friend zone” myth. A dude decided he wants to date someone but that person doesn't want to date him therefore it is the other person's fault because the dude wants to date them, so they should date the dude! He's decided that he is the right guy for this person, so it must be true. The other person is just a bitch.

Dean loves Rory and is ready to say it, therefore Rory must love Dean and be ready too. He's reached this point so, goddammit, she needs to be at this point too. After all Dean decides how emotions work.

Dean is a teenager (and did something dumb out of emotion) so I can sort of forgive him for not fully empathizing and acting out of hurt feelings. It is the fact that Lorelei keeps sticking up for the dude who was trying to emotionally manipulate her daughter that gets to me. That was part of the “rage trilogy” from last season that made me annoyed at Lorelei because she was all “See it from his side” which is totally valid except for the fact that his side was to act like a brat who didn't get the ice cream he wanted *right then*.

Uge!

Okay on to somewhat happier things. Lorelei's date. That was cute and funny, how she was all proud of being a casual dater and I even liked a lot of jokes Luke made about how old the guy was. It was also really cute how Sookie tried to explain Luke to her. But Luke was being snarkier than necessary. I mean Lorelei is firmly set on her course of sailing that river in Egypt, so she's not going to ask him out right now. I get him being jealous, but he could, you know *ask her out*. I get why he doesn't, I mean what if she says no? But if what Sookie said is supposed to be true, that he's upset because it seems like Lorelei would date anyone but him, how can he be pissed at her when he's never asked? I guess that's why Luke limits it to taking pot shots and then being grouchy(ier) because he realizes he's sulking? Oddly I don't mind this sort of stuff when it involves Luke and Lorelei but when the same stupid jealousy stuff comes up with Rory and Dean, it bugs me. Maybe because as pouty as Luke gets he doesn't act like he owns Lorelei? Don't know really. Luke is likable, Dean is not. Might be as simple as that.

A forgettable episode followed by a pretty good one. Episode 8 didn't have Jess and despite revolving around Rory's love life Dean was less irritating than Tristian. Nothing has pissed me off horribly yet. So far, so good.

My Health 2016-2018

12/19/18

There’s a lot to uncover here. I do a lot of self-reflection so I’ve realized a lot about myself and my past and why I am the way I am. This post is to record how I feel about it current day, as a third year college student. I’m not really that articulate, but I’ll try my best here. It’s very long.

In 2016, I had just graduated high school and was in the process of transitioning to college: from an overbearingly protective and stubborn yet loving mother to completely new social environment. I lost contact with many of my old friends. My major started off as Neuroscience & Physiology (which falls under biology) because I fell into the pressures of becoming a doctor. Mentally, I had an incredibly difficult time especially my first year.

Transitioning from a high school where over half of the students qualified for free or reduced food to a (semi-)prestigious UC in STEM? Fucking hard. I remember on my UC application, they asked whether our school had access to resources. I mean, it’s the only thing I know, so I thought the several AP classes and minimal counselor guidance we had at Yerba Buena High School were enough. Of course it wasn’t. We were often belittled by teachers subliminally and it influenced us (or at least, me) to prefer to be less articulate because I was afraid I would use it wrong or what not. I’m from the bay, so hip hop and slang culture was considered cool. Who the fuck wanted to be a nerd? I was too intimidated and scared to be articulate. This lead to not practicing academic language and analyzing on the spot. I hated asking questions, but I realized in college people say dumb shit all the time so I don’t even know why I was so afraid of being wrong. Also, at home, I was silenced a lot by my mom. It pushed me even more to stay quiet and just do things that made me feel smart, or rather to hide that I felt dumb. Hiding clickers. Not asking questions. Leaving discussion right away instead of asking questions. In high school, it was cool to not ask questions and not care about school.

I felt so out of place at UCSD. I couldn’t speak the way that they spoke. It’s not that I’m not smart. I do believe I am. But I felt I didn’t have that practice of being WRONG, so it prevented me from being right. Maybe it was just me being insecure rather than my upbringing. Who knows. There are tons of articulate people unafraid to ask questions from my high school so maybe I’m making excuses. I was already struggling with academics because I just wanted to feel like I belonged and I didn’t ask questions and it was dumb not to. 

Fall quarter - I believe I had mostly Cs and a B. Felt like a damn failure. All the times my teachers and mom and relatives told me I was smart? You were all wrong. I found solace in games. I started this game, Latale, when I was 10. I’ve played it on and off, but I went back to it beginning of Fall since I could escape my academics. I even made friends. I was really able to connect with someone from the guild–Jeff. I might’ve even had a small crush on him. He had a crush on this other girl, sang a song for her that he sent to me for quality check.Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae. I continued to talked to my guildies during the break as I cut ties with many of my high school friends for other reasons. The end of winter break came. I went back to school. A message from our Discord from someone who came on not so frequently: “Hey, I’m Jeff’s irl friend. I just wanted to let you guys know since I know he was close with you guys that he had a heart attack and died yesterday.”

I spiraled into a depression. I couldn’t even fathom it until two weeks later when I eventually broke down and sobbed for hours. I didn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t. It was just. So hard. I didn’t know him for long, sure, whatever. Internet friend. But he was the only stagnant aspect of my life since I was in high school. I barely talked to my old high school friends when I was in college. I wasn’t close to the one friend I had in San Diego. I had Jeff, and my guildies. Then, Jeff was gone. I had no one. Truly, no one.

Did I even want to be a doctor? Did I even like STEM? I felt so worthless. I felt like I was worth absolutely NOTHING. No one checked up on me. No one said anything to me. I tried joining clubs. I already had social anxiety, so it really didn’t help. I started focusing on working out a bit, but honestly, my depression really took over. I hated what I was learning. I felt alone. I was alone. No one really knew or understood me. I was also queer (pan) and didn’t really come to terms with it. 

Somehow I got my first A in BILD 3: Environmental science. Right at the end - spring quarter. My GPA was 3.6 for spring, and I took STEM classes! I was so happy. I’ve always loved learning about environmental science. I started thinking about switching, but it wasn’t economical. But that’s when it began: maybe I shouldn’t be a doctor. Summer came, got a job at Target which was right next to the Hillsdale 24 hour fitness gym. That summer I gymmed with Isabelle from 12-4 am sometimes. Sometimes we’d talk, sometimes we’d be productive. I got more into cardio.

Started my second year of college. I was already in the habit of gymming. It wasn’t a hassle for me. Fall quarter, I joined VSA. Met really fucking cool people. Finally I had friends. I became close to mostly 4 people in Fall/Winter: Valerie, Thuy, Ashley, & Nick. 

1. Valerie is really similar to me. I see a lot of myself in her. Has this really excitable and dorky, sometimes childish and overly cute, outer layer.  Though I didn’t really see the appeal at first (probably because I used to do that and I didn’t like myself for it), I found out we had a lot in common. We eat vegetarian sometimes, we both like to create. We’re both gay but usually go for guys. Also, she was a theatre major. The first creative/art major I actually got to know. I’ll get more into it later. Though she and I share many insecurities, she is quite confident in her decisions and inspires me to be confident in myself as well. 

2. Thuy, who came from an art high school and dresses up really well. Wild colors with short hair. A ball of fury and intelligence and passion. CS major. Fucking smart. Witty and funny. Gay as hell. I got really close with Thuy because sometimes I speak in circles yet she really understands exactly what I’m saying. She doesn’t downplay my intelligence. We see eye to eye often. 

3. Ashley, fucking hilarious and really smart. Texan. Gay as fuck too. Cultured in the arts. She also sees eye-to-eye and honestly really inspires me to speak my mind and not be afraid of being humorous and satirical while also being smart. Also, Ashley and Thuy were people who love RPDR, which is problematically my favorite show. An outlet, thank god. We don’t talk often, but when we do it’s really fucking good and below the surface. I can always depend on her to spill tea but also get really deep and fulfilling conversations.

4. Nick is stupid at times, but he is really inspiring for his physical journey. I can talk to him because he really reminds me of some people back home. He’s really dumb and goofy like them too, so it’s nice not to be so surrounded by people afraid to be dumb (UC kids). 

Anyway, the culmination of their presence really influenced me to find myself. I began thinking about not being STEM. At this point, I worked out whenever I had anxiety which was often. While I was making physical progress on my body (at my peak, I was ~170 lbs at 5′5″/5′6″), I saw myself making mental progress. Nearing the end of winter quarter, I gained a lot of confidence in myself because of the people around me. I became more confident in my art. I never pursued it because I was adamantly STEM (I had pressures from old friends to stay in STEM too), so anytime I felt my art was bad, I told myself, “It’s just a hobby. I’m not serious about it so that’s why it’s bad.” 

Nearing the end of winter quarter, I had a huge mental breakdown. I started ochem and physics and lab. I just couldn’t take it. I could never work in a lab environment, and you won’t make it into pharm/medical school if you don’t want to be a pharmacist or doctor. I talked to Valerie about hating STEM and maybe thinking about switching right before a meeting runthrough. 

I was a VSA intern, and after runthrough I couldn’t make it to GBM. I had to leave. I immediately went to Geisel. I had the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had in my life. Hyperventilating, extremely high heart rate. Grinding my nails into my skin. I couldn’t be STEM. I don’t want to be a doctor. I don’t want to be in research. I hate labs. I had a hookup phase here. Honestly I just wanted intimacy, but people wanted more. But at the same time, I really wanted to feel.. wanted. I had felt so alone for so long. It was nice now that people considered me pretty and wanted me. That was toxic for me, but it continued.

My GPA was ok. 3.1. I’m sure I could’ve graduated on time and everything if I had pursued STEM. But my work ethic, it just wasn’t there. I had no motivation to study, ever. I felt dumb, but I realized maybe- 1. okay, admittedly, I’m not the smartest, so I do have to work for knowledge but 2. my work ethic reflected my desire for this career. 

I knew it was time for a change. I considered being an environmental science major. I thought I’d at least stay in STEM and get a BS while working on my art because art can be improved anytime. I switched to being a media major 2 weeks later because I realized I just wanted to use my time in college while my housing and education is covered to truly work on my art. 

I started dressing the way I wanted to- loud and proud. Bright. Unapologetically confident. Feminine. Masculine. I learned about cameras. I learned about editing. Around this time, I met my current boyfriend. One of the people I began hooking up with but ended up really liking, duh. He’s also really creative and artistic and dresses well, which also inspired/influenced me to do the same.

I ended spring quarter as a media major, but I began the summer as a vis art speculative design major. I started working for CAIDA, the supercomputer center at UCSD as a graphic design assistant. I worked with 88Rising as a marketing ambassador for UCSD. I took creative classes like photography. I bought the Adobe Creative Suite. 

I really began to develop my art. Taking VIS 1 was great because I even got to practice my drawing, and I realized I don’t want to draw for a living. Though it’s a fun hobby, I find the most joy from working as a graphic designer and editor. I don’t know much about cinematography (and it’s a facet of art I’d like to improve on), but editing? So. Fucking. Fun. 

My work ethic is way better now. It might just be that art is “easier,” but is it really? It takes a long ass fucking time to study and improve art, just like it takes a long ass time to study for and understand STEM concepts. Art and STEM both contribute significantly to society and culture and advancements in the two. I struggled with becoming an art major because of the stigma of it being easy. But I now find myself confident to be an art major. 

Because of my consistent physical progress, I realized that small bits day by day do a huge difference in years. I recently posted a 2016 vs 2018 body picture and people see how significant it is. 

Yes, working out and gymming can be really superficial. Yes, I am becoming more aligned with society’s standards of beautiful and in that way I’m contributing to the toxicity of body image. I still get body dysphoria since my relatives used to call me fat and told me to work out. But to me, working out was a way to ingrain in my mind that no matter what you do, as long as you’re doing something to progress, you will make changes in your life. Changes toward your goals.

I slowly have reached my small goals of body image. Why not with art? I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know anything about cameras, After Effects, InDesign. I barely learned Illustrator and Premiere this summer. And here I am, doing fucking amazing. Not the best art, but I have definitely. Definitely. Come a long way from the beginning of the SUMMER, when I had just started taking it seriously. Who’s to say 5 years from now I won’t be working on high budget movies making their effects? Or making posters for Nike? Working in some company making graphics or videos?

Physically, I have ingrained going to the gym as a lifestyle change. I love that I can eat and feel healthy and sometimes still indulge in food that isn’t the best for you. I am trying my very best to stay physically and mentally healthy.

I really do believe that progress takes time. I am determined not to give up on this. Although I’m still afraid to tell my mom I’ve switched majors, I have no fucking doubt in my mind I will be successful in 5 or 10 or 15 years from now. No. Fucking. DOUBT. And I will be FUCKING amazing.

Things I Could Tell Myself after Senior High School Graduation

“I would be missing you guys, and all the memories we shared.” “Best school year ever!, “Can’t wait for our reunion guys!”.

I think, I’ll be the only one in our class who can’t dare telling these words to my classmates, having such  speech drama expressing a mixed feeling of happiness, sadness, and longing when recalling a person, place, or event from the past. I could be just a wallflower that day looking to everyone exchanging hugs and going through drama but me, pro-solitude (not anti-social) , so nothing be happening to me.

But don’t  get me wrong about this. I’m not stuck-up, I’m just an honest person who can’t stand to pretend someone I am actually not so that the odds would be in my favour. So don’t hesitate talking to me that day to congratulate and hug me, I could understand.

So maybe after graduation I could be like, “You really survive dealing with people who had wrongfully misunderstood you huh. People who judged the way you walk awkwardly, the way you talk leaving mess, the way you think weirdly and the way you joke with your dry humor then nobody laughed and you be like “My sarcasm really is advance so they think I’m stupid, LOL”. Those people who also misunderstood me for spending time alone reading books and avoiding small talk. Also, putting earphones  so people won’t talk to me but still they do. So they thought I’m avoiding them. Well, it’s half-truth but it’s nothing personal. They wouldn’t  just understand my need to be alone and how I easily get drained when peopled-out. MY SOUL AND MIND ARE STARVING FOR DEEP, RICH, AUTHENTIC, STIMULATING, INTELLECTUAL, SPIRITUAL CONVERSATION. YOU JUST HAVE TO SPARK MY CURIOSITY, MAN!

However, I secretly and honestly enjoyed in their company, not literally. I meant, I enjoy observing different personalities in my head with the FAMOUS SANGUINE who  were telling stories while the teacher was talking, with PERFECT MELANCHOLIES who were willing to listen to people’s problems, analyze them and come up with viable solutions, with POWERFUL CHOLERIC who are born-leaders and naturally saw the practical answers in the problems in our class, and  with the PEACEFUL PHLEGMATIC who like friends but are happy alone and love watching people pass by.

And for my teachers whom I have loved dearly in my heart  though they cannot love  me back or maybe they already forgot me since I’m easily to be forgotten or maybe they didn’t notice me since I’m not reciting but I solemnly swear Ma’am and Sir that I was listening, sometimes. I was secretly studying your soul and not your lessons. I have realized that there are interestingly weird teachers I really love when talking. I secretly stealing some of your weirdness and humors and I know it’s not illegal. You’re humans with a good heart and really devoted in your work who desire us to be a better person. And those teachers who taught me SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT, consequently I’m now so conscious in writing on my blog and even in drafts. I’m not that really good, my apologies Teachers if I cannot apply everything you said. I just already have my own Subject Verb Agreement and they are correct for me. LOL. UCSP and OrCom, and maybe SocSci oh, I cannot thank y’all enough. I don’t just listen to your words—I watch your face. I stare into your eyes. I checked out your body language. I peep your tone. I make note of your use of words. I hear what you didn’t say. I interpret your silences. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I TRUST MY INTUITION. But of course, there are teachers whom I cannot really love and I secretly bashing them in my head, not on social media. Those teachers who are fond of generalizing students and always be like “KABATAAN NOWADAYS CHUCHU”. Yes they’re absolutely right in their target. Nevertheless, it’s annoying sometimes and I feel like doing “OBLIVIATE” spell to them. Also, I cannot lie at this point that some of the rules suck. It is suffocating  and I know it’s true for everybody. I always hear students everywhere in the school trash-talking “YOU KNOW WHO” (No, it’s not Lord Voldemort). I meant, it’s too idealistic, duh you know what I mean. They’re just too much and TOO MUCH OF SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BAD, you know. I think I cannot embrace the culture here. I could really ask myself how I survived with that. Maybe they should consider to apply some psychology chuchu in their rules sometimes.

Perhaps, I could also tell myself how brilliant am I in making alibi when I make plans earlier to socialize in the week but when the day comes I’m like, “I LOVE CANCELLED PLANS”. Oh how I wish that “my parents said no” was still a viable excuse to get out of social events. And you know you’re an introvert when one thing that sucks about being grown-up is not being able to say ”MY MOM SAID NO”.

How I’m always annoyed and pissed off when people ask, “Why are you shy?” and I be like “I’m not! I don’t have anything to say to you!” I’m so tired of society thinking that the qualities of an extrovert is what should be desired or considered the norm. I’m tired of people questioning why I don’t like crowds, why I don’t like small talk, why I never entertain, why I only reserve one activity because I’m always exhausted? Their questions imply that I’m not normal! Why society has been conditioned to look down upon introverted personality traits!

My life in the Canteen when someone was still standing in front of the item I need and I have to pretend to look for something else until they move. Awkward, right?

Me everytime I go out of the room and meeting people, I need to avoid eye contact because it feels so awkward. And I be like, this really the reason I should stop loitering outside the classroom.

 I always believe that unspoken words are genuine so yea it’s genuine. I don’t have to be loud to be heard. Nobody would care about my feelings and thoughts anyways.

P.S I miss those times when I take writing to a level of insanity.

…to be continued..

12/01/16