.

silly question but, 1) how often does aggression have to manifest/be present to be clinically significant/be considered a symptom throughout ones life 2) in a brain with ASPD + DID, is it normal for alters to have varying levels of aggressiveness? i.e. some are more pacifying/fawning/fleeing types rather than instinctually aggressive. sometimes aggression is selective too especially in situations where i'd get caught or hurt. 3) is it possible for me to be aggressive if im nonverbal + physically disabled + physically weak/frail. when i punched a wall it hurt for 3 days lol. how would you suppose this could manifest/present as (if u have any idea)

1 - The aggression symptom is so misunderstood by professionals honestly. There is a reason the phrase "physically aggressive" exists - there are other types of aggression. To answer your question in relation to what I'm guessing your asking about, because of the nature of physical aggression, I would say if it's directly combined with the "low/no remorse" symptom, the "reckless disregard for wellbeing of self" symptoms (started a fight you knew you'd likely lose), or the impulsivity and/or heightened reaction to anger symptoms (started a fight either over literally nothing or something that even you believe to have been very insignificant), etc along those lines, I don't think it has to have been extensively recurrent, if recurrent at all.

Physical aggression comes with high consequences in many cases - socially, if nothing else - and that is very inconvenient and impractical. PwASPD generally value convenience enough that we will restrain from other symptoms to protect it - redirecting aggression or at least keeping it non-physical, avoiding breaking rules/laws in ways you would easily get caught for, teaching yourself cognitive empathy, etc - because after everything we've been through that caused a severe trauma disorder, most of us honestly just want a goddamn break and will do what we can manage to get by without too much more hassle.

That means that many pwASPD entirely don't react with physical aggression or eventually learn not to, especially after reaching the age where legal punishment becomes common and/or harsher. I would honestly say it's common for that particular symptom not to manifest through someone's entire life.

2 - Oh, definitely. Firstly, because sometimes alters are specifically made for the purpose of being a symptom holder for ASPD or aggression, and they will be pushed forward when that reaction comes. Also, in systems where that isn't the case, personality (and thereby personality disorders and the symptoms thereof) is still affected by life experience - that's the case for everyone, system or singlet. In systems with more amnesia, it is possible that some alters had such limited experience with situations that would cause an aggressive response that they may entirely not have that particular symptom. And even outside of that, as the psych community currently understands systems, the alters access different parts of the brain. Brain scans tend to light up differently based on which alter is out even in the exact same situation. It definitely tracks that that would extend to aggression and other ASPD symptoms. While everyone in a system has ASPD, if any of them do, that doesn't necessarily mean they will all show the same symptoms. Some may not show any outward symptoms at all and only deal with the internal ones like issues with boredom, muted emotions, low empathy, etc.

3 - I would say so. An aggressive response limited by other factors is still an aggressive response. Just *wanting* to physically harm someone outside of extenuating circumstances where there is a genuine need to for your or someone else's safety is aggressive (and I want to stress here that pwASPD are not in any way the only ones that have aggression - every person does). The instinct and subsequent action of punching the wall were both aggression (bonus points on the ASPD scale/j /lh for the "reckless disregard for safety/wellbeing" of yourself there). Yelling, throwing things (yes, even light things), and other forms of intimidation are also usually considered aggressive. Even so much as trying to imply that you would cause harm to someone as a reaction to something is usually considered aggressive, too. Many pwASPD cope with aggression by redirecting it onto things such as violent games/movies/tv/true crime/etc. If you're doing that in response to something upsetting you with the intention of basically living vicariously through the violence or being calmed specifically by the discussion or simulation of violence, you might just be redirecting aggression without being conscious of it because of your limitations. Again with the convenience point, it's very much within the realm of possibility that your desire to not spend 3 days in pain may outweigh your willingness to give in to the aggression.

Everything you've described here definitely can fit within the realm of ASPD aggression (more accurately, clinically significant aggression not necessarily just associated with ASPD in particular), in my very much non-professional opinion.

Plain text below the cut:

1 - The aggression symptom is so misunderstood by professionals honestly. There is a reason the phrase "physically aggressive" exists - there are other types of aggression. To answer your question in relation to what I'm guessing your asking about, because of the nature of physical aggression, I would say if it's directly combined with the "low/no remorse" symptom, the "reckless disregard for wellbeing of self" symptoms (started a fight you knew you'd likely lose), or the impulsivity and/or heightened reaction to anger symptoms (started a fight either over literally nothing or something that even you believe to have been very insignificant), etc along those lines, I don't think it has to have been extensively recurrent, if recurrent at all.

Physical aggression comes with high consequences in many cases - socially, if nothing else - and that is very inconvenient and impractical. PwASPD generally value convenience enough that we will restrain from other symptoms to protect it - redirecting aggression or at least keeping it non-physical, avoiding breaking rules/laws in ways you would easily get caught for, teaching yourself cognitive empathy, etc - because after everything we've been through that caused a severe trauma disorder, most of us honestly just want a goddamn break and will do what we can manage to get by without too much more hassle.

That means that many pwASPD entirely don't react with physical aggression or eventually learn not to, especially after reaching the age where legal punishment becomes common and/or harsher. I would honestly say it's common for that particular symptom not to manifest through someone's entire life.

2 - Oh, definitely. Firstly, because sometimes alters are specifically made for the purpose of being a symptom holder for ASPD or aggression, and they will be pushed forward when that reaction comes. Also, in systems where that isn't the case, personality (and thereby personality disorders and the symptoms thereof) is still affected by life experience - that's the case for everyone, system or singlet. In systems with more amnesia, it is possible that some alters had such limited experience with situations that would cause an aggressive response that they may entirely not have that particular symptom. And even outside of that, as the psych community currently understands systems, the alters access different parts of the brain. Brain scans tend to light up differently based on which alter is out even in the exact same situation. It definitely tracks that that would extend to aggression and other ASPD symptoms. While everyone in a system has ASPD, if any of them do, that doesn't necessarily mean they will all show the same symptoms. Some may not show any outward symptoms at all and only deal with the internal ones like issues with boredom, muted emotions, low empathy, etc.

3 - I would say so. An aggressive response limited by other factors is still an aggressive response. Just *wanting* to physically harm someone outside of extenuating circumstances where there is a genuine need to for your or someone else's safety is aggressive (and I want to stress here that pwASPD are not in any way the only ones that have aggression - every person does). The instinct and subsequent action of punching the wall were both aggression (bonus points on the ASPD scale/j /lh for the "reckless disregard for safety/wellbeing" of yourself there). Yelling, throwing things (yes, even light things), and other forms of intimidation are also usually considered aggressive. Even so much as trying to imply that you would cause harm to someone as a reaction to something is usually considered aggressive, too. Many pwASPD cope with aggression by redirecting it onto things such as violent games/movies/tv/true crime/etc. If you're doing that in response to something upsetting you with the intention of basically living vicariously through the violence or being calmed specifically by the discussion or simulation of violence, you might just be redirecting aggression without being conscious of it because of your limitations. Again with the convenience point, it's very much within the realm of possibility that your desire to not spend 3 days in pain may outweigh your willingness to give in to the aggression.

Everything you've described here definitely can fit within the realm of ASPD aggression (more accurately, clinically significant aggression not necessarily just associated with ASPD in particular), in my very much non-professional opinion.

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

(this is the one about your sibling)

Hello! Welcome back! I do truly mean it when I say you don't need to apologize. My asks and how many I have is not something for you to worry about, so there's nothing to apologize for. We're just interacting! We're allowed to do that without any guilt over being annoying. You're not being annoying, you're not bothering me, or anything else. Even if you were, it's okay to be annoying! Friends are allowed to annoy each other and part of being friends is that we still care about each other regardless.

I know you feel bad about the situation, but if it helps I think you were 100% right to tell your sibling. Keeping diagnoses from people doesn't help, and it just means that instead of them being able to identify why they're struggling, they thing they're just not good enough or something's wrong with them. I've always hated the argument that "we don't want to limit them!" or whatever people say--not that I'm saying that's your belief, the topic just reminded me of it. Knowing what's going on with you so you can deal with it properly and understand yourself is the best way to avoid being limited!! Your sibling deserved to know, and I'm sure it'll be a huge relief for them to now have that answer.

I'm sorry if your parents get upset with you for sharing the information, but I don't think they should've kept it secret in the first place. It is an awkward situation to be in though, so I'm sorry you're going through that. Also my apologies if my response isn't sympathetic enough, I guess I just think that even if it wasn't your place, you had the information and it was the right thing to do to tell them, even if your parents get upset. And that that is enough to offset or make it worth any repercussions--but that's my opinion. It's valid to have a different response.

I understand being terrified of being wrong about those sort of things, but also it's a learning experience! I remember when I first considered the possibility that I could be autistic I was hesitant because up until then I'd only heard stereotypes, and then there's so much pressure on fitting said stereotypes and how hard it can be to get a diagnosis and it felt like I'd have to prove I was autistic. But I've come to learn that the system is just very difficult and already set against me, so my experience and knowledge of myself matters more. And the community is very welcoming and open, so no one who matters is going to be upset if something turns out wrong. Though I will say having two psychologists 100% certain you're autistic is a pretty good sign that it's not wrong.

I will say, just based on our interactions, I think it might be one of the reasons we can talk and relate so well to each other in different ways! Sharing similar experiences to show you relate and understand is something autistic people often do, same with experiencing and describing emotions differently. But that's just what I've noticed, so feel free to disregard me

I can understand why you're uncomfortable with other people coming to that conclusion for you, though, so I'm sorry that's how it's playing out for you. It's such a personal thing and other people having such big says or being convinced of certain things can feel...invasive? Like I want to deal with it and learn on my own, not you do it, if that makes sense. Maybe it could help to look into things more on your own so you can understand yourself with less outside influence. I know you said you've started looking at symptoms but there's a lot out there!

Once again, apologies if my response isn't entirely appropriate or doesn't match your feelings on the subject, I guess for me finding that out about myself was a huge relief, and I see it as a positive, so I might not have the same reaction as you anymore. If there anything I can do to help in this area please do let me know. I think you have a very solid foundation to build off of, but this is about you. Take as much time as you need, and please tell me if I'm overstepping any boundaries or making you uncomfortable.

you don't need to apologize for venting! you're allowed to vent! my day is just getting started so we'll see how it goes, but I hope your day was/is/will be okay <33 emotionally i am watching the sunset with you from the top of a tree.

(also yeah speaking your truth seems really weird and I don't get it. when people say like "it's true to me!" as well. like it can't be true to you unless it's true in general. it's the truth. it either is or isn't. anyway I don't use the phrase.)

you're also absolutely right to be obsessed with eleanor wright, she's great. I mean we've never met her but still!!

So I know I've been processing some personal content lately. So let's switch it up and discuss the other side of this. My role as a therapist.

Cw mental health, therapy, higher levels of care, hospitalization, safety issues, psychology.

I find myself often looking at my therapy degrees and my licence wondering how in the world I got here. Honestly this is my dream job.

I'm not a traditional therapist. While I do have some respect for the psychoanalytic and psychodynamic practices they are not where I live. I use them sometimes. Like anything else I view schools of psychology like schools of thought which all have helpful tools and frameworks.

By definition I fall under "humanistic" psychology. My MA came from a program that was affiliated with Carl Rogers who's main thing was simply meet the client where they are at. Remove the agenda. Be with the person. See the human under all the symptoms. Which I LOVE.

My degree is in holistic mental health counseling specifically. Which means my approach is more integrative and my process is oriented towards helping people live in tune between domains of life and connecting mind/body/spirit. This can look different for everyone. Basically I want to help restore the connection between the body, brain, emotions, behaviors, and help folks process, explore, and gain skills to help empower them to live healthy lives. According to them. They set the goals.

I work mostly with complex trauma, dissociation, and with LGBTQIA+ folks. I use a multidimensional approach of wanting to be mindful of systems that could be impacting clients. I use techniques to help encourage a safe and consistent therapeutic relationship.

My therapy can seem unstructured. Some days it's talking and processing, others it's problem solving and skill building, sometimes it's expressive arts therapy or sharing laughter. Sometimes it's safety planning. Sometimes it's sharing memes. However I follow Judith Herman's three phase model. 1. Safety and stabilization. 2. Remembrance and mourning. 3. Reconnection. If you are a therapist and have not read her book Trauma and Recovery then get on it.

I have an extensive background in safety. I worked and did my clinical internships at a partial hospital for teens and adults. I worked there for three years as a program coordinator helping train new clinical interns and making sure the program ran ethically and sustainably. I loved this job so much. I just got so burnt out. My main lesson I took was I'd rather work with my client one on one before sending them to the hospital.

I know it's controversial. I have been told I have a too high tolerance for unsafe behaviors. I. Don't. Care. If me checking in by phone for 10 minutes for a week helps my clients stay safe and not hospitalized. I will do that. The system is broken and traumatizing.

Obviously I collaborate. If my clients vocalize they want a higher level of care then I'm not going to try and sway them. My job is to provide informed consent. I don't live their life. I can't tell them what's best. What I can do is provide support within my limits.

So if I can avoid calling 911 or getting an NP or LICSW to section someone. I will. I would much rather build a community based support plan to keep folks from being in the ER for days and in a locked unit. I know it has been helpful for some and I am beyond grateful that is the case.

However my job as a therapist is to listen. How can I ask my clients to trust me if I don't trust them? How can I ask them to share their pain if I don't show I can hold it with them without reacting in a negative way. Sometimes people need a safe place to express how they feel. And that can take the form of really really dark stuff. And that's okay. I only use hospitalizations as a last resort if there is no way to keep someone safe. But I'd rather fucking try.

I am not trying to be on my high horse about this. However I think therapists can do better. Get trained. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's not fair that there is an unfair power dynamic here. Especially important to be mindful of this when working with folks with trauma.

Idk.

End rant for now.

hey I just saw your post about PCOS being a hormonal issue not a gyno one while I was surfing the tag. I was diagnosed a couple months back and all my gyno did was a 2 min ultrasound and then prescribed me birth control. I would like to have actual help and more info on it but I'm not sure who I'm supposed to go to for that. Seeing as you were in a similar situation I'd appreciate your help.

seems like gynos really suck with pcos, don't they? 🥴 warning you now, this is going to be a very long post, because i'm essentially writing out absolutely everything i did and everything i've learned, so strap in for a ride aldksfjasldf

the first thing to do is research, research, research. i spent a whole week constantly on pcos websites (such as pcosaa and this article, tho fair warning, the article does use academic speech so it might not be the easiest thing to read) and watching videos and doing what i could to inform myself. the way you can know if you're looking at a credible resource is how the source defines pcos: does it pose it as a reproductive system disorder? or an endocrine (hormonal) disorder? if it talks about it as a reproductive system disorder, then it's probably wrong.

please note that i am not, obviously, a medical professional, but this is how i understand pcos works. i'll use me as an example just so i can use first person perspective, but it applies to pcos patients in general.

so, my cells are insulin resistant. that means that when i eat, my body releases, lets say, 100 (x measurement) of insulin. because my cells are insulin resistant, they say "hey, i'm only gonna use 50x of that insulin". but they still NEED that 100x to function. so my body releases ANOTHER 100x of insulin, so my cells go "ok i'll take 50x" and so while my cells now have the 100x they're supposed, to i now have 100x insulin floating around.

that extra insulin not only wreaks havoc on many systems of the body, it is the reason why most people with pcos that goes untreated end up with type 2 diabetes. the extra insulin is also converted (or spurs the creation of? i'm not entirely certain on the how here) into testosterone and other androgen (male) hormones. so your body has too much insulin, and now it has too much testosterone, too. that extra testosterone is what fucks with your reproductive system and prevents the follicles on your ovaries from maturing (which is what the 'cysts' are). it also often creates increased facial hair, acne (especially on the 'beard line'), and worse body odor. between the testosterone and the insulin, it's nigh impossible to lose weight.

also note that because your body has to release more insulin for your cells to get an adequate amount, you likely crave carbs and sugars (salty/crunchy things and sweets), and you're likely frequently fatigued, bc your body isn't, well, working correctly and it's taking more energy to perform basic functions.

secondly, take all this information that you know to your doctor. i legitimately wrote down some notes about this process in a little notebook and took it with me so that i wouldn't forget/get too anxious to bring any of it up. i also wrote down the things i had been doing to help up to that point (working out, what my diet was, etc etc) and what i was concerned about. lastly, i also wrote down what medications and supplements i had heard of in my research to see what my doctor thought of them.

my doctor's first 'attack' choice is ozempic--it's a weekly shot that helps to regulate insulin levels and also is pretty good at helping weight loss. be aware though that most commercial insurances don't pay for this, but if your doctor is good, they'll try to work around that so that you're not paying a frankly outrageous amount for it. also look out for sometime this fall, my doc said that the ozempic manufacturers are trying to get ozempic approved for weight loss (it's approved for other things) and that should help bring the price down?? anyway, that's my doc's preferred method, but because of my finances, we currently can't do that.

his second attack, which i'm now on, is metformin. it's a medication mostly used for diabetics that helps with blood sugar levels which, again, is that insulin issue. my mom has been on it for 14 years bc diabetes runs in our family anyway, so it's perfectly safe for long time use and definitely helps with keeping either away from or within the pre-diabetes phase. again, i've only been on it now two days so i can't say anything for me but we'll see how it goes lmao

he also approved of me using omega 3 (fish pills) supplements because they help balance things out in general, not just pcos, and he was good with me using spearmint, too. i'm starting out on one cup of spearmint tea a day and see how that effects me, but i've heard of people having up to two spearmint supplement pills and a cup of spearmint tea a day, too. spearmint is a 'defense', as far as i can explain it: it has (tho limited) research that it lowers the testosterone levels in women with pcos. so while it doesn't help with the insulin so it doesn't attack the source, it can help with the testosterone aspect, aka facial hair, acne, etc. i've also heard of cinnamon supplements and inositol supplements helping, but i didn't get a chance to ask about either of those from my doctor, so make sure if you want to give those a try, you talk about them and make sure they won't interfere with any of your other medications and get your doctor's approval on them, first.

thirdly, ask about what else you can do to help yourself. my doctor stressed the importance of a proper night's sleep, as well as advised to try to cut back on carbs and sugars (IMPORTANT NOTE: some people claim that you HAVE to be on a keto diet to get results with pcos. WRONG. please don't do this. keto diets are entirely unsustainable. and cutting back on carbs and sugars does not mean cutting them OUT, it just means if you want a snack, try reaching for a protein or a vegetable instead of a carb. but don't limit yourself!! please, be conscious about what you eat, and remember that sometimes yeah, a slice of cake or a serving of chips isn't going to kill you or set your pcos back. don't risk getting an e.d. just for the sake of your pcos). he also told me that the best exercise that i personally should do is either HIIT exercises or cardio, and to do at least an hour a day, even if it's 30 mins in the morning, 30 in the evening--and to work up to that so even doing ten minutes a day, then increasing it from there, is healthier and better than jumping straight into a whole ass hour. he also told me to aim for a certain heartrate. i don't remember the formula he used, but for me at 22 (based on age) he wanted me to try to aim for 150-160 bpm. again, especially with exercise, that was what he recommended for me. you're likely different from me, so ask your doctor and see what he says.

fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, DON'T BOTHER WITH A GYNO. all of this that i've gotten done for me was from my family doctor, so just the guy i go to for yearly check ups. see if you can do some routine blood work to give him (or her) as wide of a picture as possible, and then go in and talk with a regular doctor about this. a friend of mine also has a friend who actually goes to an endocrinologist to get her pcos sorted out, so that's also an option. gynos seem to just treat the symptoms; birth control gives you a regular period by helping with your estrogen, but that doesn't decrease your testosterone OR do anything with the insulin. my doc is keeping me on birth control pills just so that i have a regular cycle so we can watch and see if anything else happens to it, so it's okay to stay on the birth control, but ultimately, birth control pills don't do anything for pcos.

i know it's difficult and probably kinda scary/anxiety inducing if you're younger or just have anxiety, but you've gotta advocate for yourself in this case. you have to show the doctor that you know what you're talking about and that you're able to call him out on his bullshit if he doesn't take you seriously. also, if your doctor is helpful, don't be afraid to be frank with him about what your gyno did. like i've said with my experience, i got the validation of knowing that my gyno was wrong by explaining to my doctor how he treated me. you deserve better than what your gyno did, and you deserve to actually be treated as a person and your disorder be taken seriously.

i'm wishing you the best of luck, and i hope that you'll be able to get the help that you need 💕💕💕

Fever.

Back problems.

These mothafuckin'Kids.

Three days ago, my son woke up sick. He had this look* on his face. An unsettled look. He looked me dead in the eyes, and he started to gag. My eyes widened with horror. My instincts kicked in, and I did what my dad would do when I was growing up. The only sure way to know you have reached another level of parenting: held out my hands cupped together held under his chin. A vomit catch-all, if you will. Maybe it's a kid instict too. He knew* what it meant and what to do. He played and was fine throughout the day. Thank god.

The NEXT day, I developed a decent fever. I felt like my body was ran over by an 18 wheeler. "Greaaaaaaaaaaat!" I thought to myself. I laid on the couch half dead in a pool of my own sweat staring at the clock. Is 7:00 too early for bedtime? My daughter ended up puking ONCE that evening, so i figured it was a 24 hour tummy bug. No other symptoms. No more vomit. Both kids seemed fine. I prayed that I would not fall ill, and that I**wouldn't be sick. Could you imagine? Being sick AND being the mom? Being the house chore manager? Being the post-op surgery home nurse? What the hell would that* be like? Well, my dad has always told me, God must have a sense of humor based on my life being like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm....and it was a god awful sense of humor, if that.

Yesterday, I was swiffer wet jetting a pool of urine on the floor. I shook my head, did my usual lecture on how only an animal would pee on the floor. How grayson wasn't an animal, and how pee goes INSIDE of the toilet. Not inside his construction cement truck (boys🙄😬). I bent over, and my life flashed before my eyes. BAM. I almost collapsed to the floor. I was sweating and writhing in pain. I couldn't muster up ENOUGH inertia to walk my body forward. My knees started to buckle, and immediate panic set in. Of all times for this to happen, with my luck-- it did (cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song). I am damn near 30 years old, and a Swiffer wet jet mop, along with a slight twist and bend movement, put me to the fuckin' floor. Meanwhile, J-Lo who is in her 50's is pole dancing and dancing at a top performance rate for a Superbowl half-time show. And again, here I am, in the same clothes as yesterday, my body getting over a fever, AND NOW pulled my back out of place. I was angry and upset that I have disabled myself.

Of course, Grayson and the baby caught wind of my sudden lack of movement and chaos ensued. Both hanging on my feet, whining and crying and fighting each other to be held. Every second ticked by slowly, as I completely winced and cursed in pain. I huddle by the cat tree. I try to stand and lean onto it and realized..I needed help. But who could help? How?

My husband was at work. Barely 2 weeks post-op from his shoulder replacement. I broke down in tears. My husband has just now been able to shower by himself. He's still in a sling and has very limited movement. What the hell am I going to do? With different parts of our bodies being out of commission, how* could we do this? I reluctantly called him. In tears, I waited 45 minutes before he got to the house. Before he arrived, with a little help from my Grayson, I was able to dress the baby. Grayson picked his clothes out, and got ready all by himself (I was shook). I waddle slowly to my bedroom and grab some socks and my Nike's. Grayson hauled ass into my room like always (because there isba child lock and it's forbidden) kneeled down and helped me put on my socks and shoes. I told him my back was hurting and he told me, "Don't worry mom. I'll fix it!" He lifted my shirt gently, and started to scratch my lower back. The tears were welling up. He got the baby clothes from her drawer (after one attempt), and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her as I changed her. I was overwhelmed with many emotions. I was in that moment, proud of Will and I's parenting and how my sweet and sour child, was being sweet and helpful to me.

Will arrives. He's stressed. I'm stressed. I keep apologizing over and over to him. I shove fruit snacks in my jacket. Will raises his voice at me to stop trying to put Grayson into his car seat. We are both frustrated. We are both not feeling it. I get to urgent care and wait for the doctor. He comes in after 10 minutes and says, "Oh? Are you striking a pose for a photo?" My hip is out and I'm leaning against the wall. I laughed. I explained what happened. He felt my hips and lower back. "Oh. Wow......you have HUGE knots all over the place...no wonder!" I held back tears. Then. This man turns to me and has THEE AUDACITY TO ASK ME** "Do you need a doctor's note for work?" I cracked a smile, but also wanted to strangle him right then and there. I explained my husband is two weeks post-op from shoulder replacement surgery, and that I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old at home, and all three are waiting in the car for me. He smiled and said, "I'd reccomend taking it easy, but that's not realistic is it?" He gave me a toradol shot, steroids for the inflammed muscles, muscle relaxers and T3. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I knew how Toradol made me tired. I knew how muscle relaxers obviously*** relax your muscles. T3 makes me groggy. How the fuck am I supposed to function on these AND take care of the kids?

So long gone are the days of being injured or sick and being able to sleep or "relax". So long gone are the days when no one else depended on you to be a fully functional adult during times of illness or injury.

My husband told me to go nap and relax my back. Though I was irriated by having to listen, and fight back the internal urge to pick up the toys on the ground, I obliged. Thinking back to a few months ago, my husband's sciatic caused him to be down and out from work for three days. I sat up in bed thinking of this. No offense to my husband; he works extremely hard and allows me the luxury of staying home with the kids. However, in this moment, I realized I wasn't able to experience the same "luxury" of taking three days off. Being a stay at home mom means, no days off. When youre sick, the world doesn't stop. Your toddlers certainly don't stop. So you, as the mom and house-manager, trudge through it. Because there is no other option or reason. Some are lucky to have family nearby that can cushion some of this blow. But unfortunately, that's not the case here. Instead, I facetimed my mom and cried to her, asking her to tell Grayson to be good for me. It worked (for a while).

I hate sometimes that these types of "problems" often come across as "complaining," but to me, just shows that a Mother's job never ends. We don't get to clock in, and clock out. We don't get paid lunch breaks. Often times I eat standing up, and pee with a rather curious audience (like when Grayson handed me toilet paper and told me to wipe my gina and did a horrendous digging motion with his hands). I don't get uninterrupted breaks. I don't physically see a paycheck deposited into my account.

This morning I woke up and before I got out of bed, I said a little prayer about being able to walk today. Thankfully, I can walk (at least). I made coffee, and waited for the monsters to wake up. I cooked them eggs and toast. I bribed grayson with a fruit snack to help get his sisters walker, and I slowly slowly lifted her in it. Getting her in and out of the crib has been a challenge. Babies want to be held and carried, and do not understand why* their mother isn't picking them up (torture).

I am realizing women are strong. Though I physically feel decrepid, I am appreciative of what women endure on a daily basis. Whether you work or stay home, being a mother is a 24/7 job that often goes without praise or recognition. Instead of binge watching Mad Men, or The Office (for the 56th time) posted up chillin' on meds, I am watching Paw Patrol while my kids nag and cry at my feet. "You should be THANKFUL. YOU HAVE THE BEST JOB IN THE ENTIRE WORLD....and an IMPORTANT ONE IF THAT." Well, Karen. Yes. Yes I do. I am "blessed" and "cursed" by this experience. I am** thankful. However, I am a human being. I am allowed to scowl and huff to myself, "this isn't fair!" While wanting to break down into tears. How dare I feel so selfish?

I am allowed to have bad days. Being a mom doesn't mean I am some bionic robot (though some days it definitely feels like it)

So here I am standing, slouched over the counter trying to rub a tennis ball into my lower back while my toddler screams, "THAT'S MY BAAAAAALLLLLLL MOM." All while my daughter also starts to scream (because her brother is screaming) I can't do anything but count to 10.

"Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering, or sleeping. You can't do all three in one day" -unknown

Hug a mom, grandma or aunt today [or anyone that has raised you] and give yourself a pat on the back for being a bad ass super mom.