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diaryofsecrecy · 3 years

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It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea. Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER. They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years, And on drugs. She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out. We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world, Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

#latenite #life #struggle #deep thinking #bad choices #misunderstood #deardiary #confessions

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stephfights · 4 years

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Bye bye cancer (and boobs)

I know it has been many weeks since I have blogged. I had my surgery and could not type for a while. I was tired and weak. And I just wasn’t ready to relive it yet. But here goes.

August 21 I had to be at the hospital at 9 am for my 12:30 surgery. Long story short my surgery was bumped to 3:30. Let me tell you that is a long time when you are thirsty! All the pre op stuff went off without a hitch. Apparently they gave me some coo coo medicine before they took me to the operating room and per my husband I left out of the holding area singing “for she’s a jolly good fellow” Although there is no video of this...therefore I am calling it the “alleged singing incident” Surgery took about 5 1/2 hours. They tried to do a nerve block for pain management but of course my body would not accept the block. I have no recollection of being in recovery although they said I woke up vomiting. I remember waking up after midnight and Chris telling me I was in a room and that my lymph nodes were negative for cancer. Apparently the coo coo meds were still in my system. I had a male nurse and Chris said I told him he looked like Vin Diesel and that I liked bald men. Then he reached over my bed to adjust my IV and I told him to quit flirting with me that I was a married woman. Again...there is no video evidence of this so I am calling it the “alleged male nurse incident”

I got to come home the next morning. That was a long ride from Nashville. Chris was trying so hard not to hit any bumps but I65 is so bad. It sucked. We made it and I was so glad to be home. But of course...here comes the shitshow! I was sent home with pain meds and a medicine for nerve pain. But it wasn’t enough. I was hurting so bad by Saturday night. I could not get any relief.....even though I was taking the meds as directed. I called the on call doctor on Sunday and he told me to double the meds and to see my doctor on Tuesday. That worked. I finally got some relief. But of course I had to go all the way back to Nashville on Tuesday (4 days post op) because you can’t get narcotics called in. You have to be seen by your doctor to get a written prescription. I’d like to thank all of the crackheads for screwing that up for the rest of us!

Now....let me talk about the worst of it all....the drains. Omg the drains. I swear they were made by Satan himself. I had 3 drains. 2 in my left side and 1 in my right. They were stitched in my side about 6 inches under my armpits. They were about as big around as a straw with a bulb attached to the end of each one. They had to be stripped twice a day and the stuff in it had to be measured. To strip them someone had to hold it tight at the top of the tube and pull down with the other hand to essentially pull it all out and clear the tubes. It is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through. Chris did it a couple of times but then my mom took over. It was so hard on her to do it and watch me sit and cry...knowing that she was hurting me. But it had to be done...and we did it. I almost passed out a couple of times and of course I had one tube that kept getting stopped up....that is SO painful I don’t even know how to describe it to you. It makes my stomach turn just sitting here typing about it. I had the drains in for 12 days. The doctor didn’t really want to take them out that early but I couldn’t take it anymore. So she took them out and I can’t tell you the feeling of relief I had. Luckily I had no problems after they were removed.

Exactly 7 days after my mastectomy my doctor called me after office hours because she had just gotten my pathology report and wanted me to know that I was officially 100% cancer FREE! She got it all! I was relieved! This is what I have been waiting for months to hear. This is what I have been going through all of this hell for. I had done it.

I am 6 weeks post op now and I am doing pretty good. It is still sore in some spots and numb in others. My nerves are trying to regenerate and that hurts me sometimes. Trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is a bitch. I have a 3 inch section in my left incision that didn’t want to heal but it seems like it is starting to get a little better everyday. I can’t lift anything or drive. So I am still 100% dependent on everyone else. It’s rough sometimes but I am just thankful I have people who are willing to help. I have met some people who have no one and I can not imagine what that would be like. My mom stayed with me for 3 weeks. I don’t think I would have made it through without her. Chris and Clayton were also here...checking one me and loving on me. I am so fortunate and do not take it for granted.

I have been going to physical therapy. That’s fun....I thought she had killed me after the first visit. But she is so nice and is working really hard to get my range of motion back on the left side. But of course.....when I went this past Thursday she measured my arms and my left arm was 7% bigger than it was the week before. I am officially in stage 1 lymphedema. We knew it was a possibility with the amount of lymph nodes that were removed during my surgery but I was sure hoping I could avoid it. So I had to go and get fitted for a custom compression sleeve. It should be here within 2 weeks. It’s like I have said so many times....all of the treatment and surgery I have done may have gotten rid of the cancer....but what price will my body pay for it. I keep telling myself this is a small price to pay for being cancer free. I hope I am right.

I’m sure I have forgotten things to include in this post. I have 3 treatments left and then the removal of the port and I will be hopefully be done with this journey (or nightmare) So here we are rounding third....but I can’t get rid of this nagging feeling and waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to say. But as of right now I had done what I said I would do. I kicked cancer’s ass!

Love to all,

Steph

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sweetersuga · 7 years

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Bad Nights Sleep (Jungkook’s POV)

(This one may be quite long)

Jungkook x reader

Overall warnings: Angst, mentions of depression, reckless driving, hospitalization, mental illness

Jungkook cheater!au

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Three Months Ago

It was 7am. I rolled over, smashing my hand down on my clock before it had the opportunity to go off, not wanting to alarm Y/N. Today, I had to visit my mother in the hospital, and I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut before widening them again. As I stood up, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for the day. These past couple months since my mothers’ hospitalization after she had a stroke has felt like a routine. I’d wake up, work my butt off 5 days a week, come home, and send half of my entire paycheck in order to keep my mother safe and stable in the hospital. The doctors tell me she’s unable to live on her own without constant medical support and attention, which I believed to be lies. She’s always been so full of energy and life; when I first visited her after her stroke in the hospital, it pained me seeing her so empty and drained, but she’s never given up; so what more could I do for her?

As the water ran, I shed my body of my sweatpants and hopped inside the shower, sighing in relief as I felt the nearly scorching water wash over my entire body. I couldn’t help but feel nauseous, oddly enough. Slowly sliding down the shower wall, I gasped as a numbing pain grew in my stomach. It felt like someone had been squeezing my insides with their fist; like a nagging pain you couldn’t quite identify. Holding my stomach, I stood up and quickly turned towards the sink, slamming the medicine cabinet open until I found my prescription pills. I popped two in my mouth and swallowed them dryly as I closed the lid, sliding back into the tub, sitting back down to avoid pressuring my stomach further.

Doctors have told me multiple times that I’ve shown symptoms of depression, except my mother’s stroke had really “triggered” it into further consuming me. Y/N’s never known that I’ve been prescribed pills that I rarely have the time to take. When the doctor told me this disorder didn’t just effect your mind - you’d physically feel the pain all over - I started understanding that this wasn’t just a joke. It’d explain why, whenever I was teaching at class, I sometimes wouldn’t execute a move properly and I’d just think I strained my head too hard, or did too much cardio resulting in heartache, or I was even just hungry, I’d get pains in these main three sections. Even my students were starting to worry about me.

Slowly, I could feel the pressure in my stomach ease and I sighed in relief as I shakily rose to my feet, continuing with my shower.

I had gotten dressed and the clock only read 7:39am before I was completely ready to leave. I headed back to my room, glancing over Y/N’s body as she slept. I sighed and gently shook her, mumbling in her ear, “I’m going to go see my mom at the hospital on 5th Street. I’ll be back soon, alright?” to which she just hummed out, “Wha?”

I chuckled lightly and quickly kissed her cheek, repeating myself. “I’ll be back soon.” and headed towards the exit, missing her call out, “Jungkook, wait!” as I closed the door.

“Mom, I missed you!” I smiled as I gently shut the door. Her ears perked up and she warmly smiled at me once she saw me, holding her arms out. I squeezed her gently as she spoke. “Jungkook-ah, how have you been dear?”

“Great!” I lied before I realized it, although seeing her washed my worries away. “How about you?”

“I’ve been well, except these pabo’s won’t let me get any fresh air! It’s ridiculous,” She chuckles sarcastically. I frown. It pained my heart seeing her with all these things hooked up to her.

“Well, I’m working on that. I won’t stop paying the hospital until you’re out of here,” I smile at her as I held her weak, frail hand in mine. She then, using her other hand, firmly whacks me across the head.

“No! Jungkook, I won’t let you do it anymore. I’ll be fine here, I don’t need anything extra. The medicine they’ve been giving me is doing wonders!”

“What? What do you mean? I-I can’t just let you live like this! You know I’m helping you speed up your recovery!” I interjected. She just shakes her head and raises her eyebrows.

“Jungkook, you know I’ve always been proud of you ever since you were a baby, right? Nothing will ever change that. You don’t need to do this for me. I want you to go out and live your life to the fullest, not donate half of your earnings to me. I’m a strong one, Jungkook-ah, and I’ve never been more proud of you than I am now. As your mother, I want you to stop.” She sternly looked me in the eyes as she spoke. I choked back a sob as I looked down, nodding my head in defeat. As she was about to speak, my ringer out shined her voice.

“I’m sorry, I’ll turn my phone off-” “-No, go ahead and answer it!” She smiled. I nodded and whipped my phone out, a grin slowly creeping up my face once I saw who it was. Eunbae. She was one of my students who I teach hip hop to at the studio I worked at, and she was by far the best one.

“Hey! What’s up?” I answer.

“Hey, Jungkook! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime today? If you have anything important, it's alright though. I already asked Hoseok and Namjoon, and Jessica says she wants to come, too.” She giggled.

“Oh, yeah! Of course! I'm free..? I think." I stated. I couldn't help but remember some date Y/N wanted to plan with me, but I couldn't remember the exact day we planned it - I just assumed it was on Sunday. "What time?”

“We’re all gonna meet up at 1 at the studio, so how about then?”

“Of course. I’ll be there in a couple hours.” I smiled as she hung up, then glanced down at my phone briefly, snapping out of my trance once Mom spoke.

“Was that your girlfriend?” She laughs, winking at me to which I blush profusely. “Mom..” I scolded her.

“What? I still wanna know what’s going on in my son’s life!”

I cursed to myself once I noticed my phone was completely dead; I had forgotten to charge it at home and to also bring my own charger. I thought about Y/N as she briefly crossed my mind - she must’ve called me by now, worried or wondering why I haven’t picked up.

“Hey, do any of you have an iPhone charger?” I asked among the group of friends, all shaking their heads no.

“Mine’s broken, sorry man.” Namjoon shrugged. I sighed and nodded, shoving my phone back in my pocket.

"Wait! Here," Jessica digs through her bag, handing me a pink iPhone charger, along with a portable charger box. I thanked her as I plugged my phone in, shoving it in my pocket.

We were all having an amazing time as we hung out at BigHit Ent. We practiced a few of our own coreographies, ate out at the food bar on the first floor, and before we knew it, it was later than we expected.

We were all sitting on one of the small black leather couches, Hoseok propped up on the armrest, Namjoon sitting next to him along with Jessica on his lap, and I was sitting by Namjoon with Eunbae on mine in a casual friendly manner.

“So the guy was totally checking her out, so I walk up to him, asking him if he had a problem, you know. So he’s like, “Yeah, I couldn’t help but wonder why such a beautiful woman as herself would be with a guy like you.” So I just scoff and I straight up break his jaw!” Namjoon yells as he finishes his story. I roll my eyes when Jessica giggles, knowing he completely exaggerated the story, seeing as I was there.

“God Joonie, how many times are you gonna tell that exact same story over and over again?” Hoseok groans in annoyance.

“Yeah, we all know that’s not how it went! You shoved the douche bag and he tripped, bashing his face against a table.” I snickered, causing the rest of them to burst out in laughter.

“Hey, I still broke it if you think about it logically!” He defended, Hoseok just shook his head in disagreement. “Whatever you say, man.”

Namjoon glanced at his watch, then stood up with Jessica. “It’s getting pretty late, I’ll walk you home, Jess.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok added. “I should get going, too.” I handed Jessica her chargers while they began talking amongst themselves as they made their way towards the door.

“Ah, Jungkookie," Eunbae coos.

I chuckle and look up at her. “Mm?”

“I’m so glad you could manage to clear your schedule for this,” she chuckled. I smile at her adoringly. I’ve always admired her humble and soft demeanor and how she’s always been such a bright girl. There was no denying she was my favorite ‘student’, and honestly, Y/N’s never met her, let alone knows her.

"Are you sure your mom will be okay, though?" She inquires.

"Yeah, mom is a tough one! If she needs anything, she'll call me." I smile before I shove her a bit so I can stand up.

"Well, I had a really good time tonight. Could we do this again?" She bites her lip as she asks me.

I was about to reply, when my now fully charged phone buzzed in my pocket. I tensed up as I reached in my pocket, unlocking my phone to read the message. It was from Y/N.

"Fuck." I hiss lowly as I read it.

"How can you stand up your own girlfriend on your 2 yr ANNIVERSARY date? You're fucking unbelievable, Jungkook."

"What is it?" Asked Eunbae curiously.

"It's nothing. Speaking of mom, that's her. I gotta go, but yeah, let's catch up sometime?" I grimace. I don't know what came over me. All I wanted, was to feel something good for once. I wanted to disappear just for today; I wanted to escape my life and live as someone else. I wanted to leave everything behind. I grabbed the back of her head and gently pulled her towards me, my lips connecting with hers.

A gasp. That was what I heard as I pulled away, glancing towards the door, which had been loudly slammed shut. That was when I knew I messed up.

Currently

After Y/N broke up with me, you’d expect that I got what I wanted, right? Wrong. Things only got worse for me. She moved out without saying a single word to me. I begged her for as long as I could; as I watched her pack her things, all I could do was grab her wrist; try to pull her as close to me as I could to show her I didn’t want her to go. I even planned out an entire argument in my head - one where I’d apologize, she’d forgive me, and we were back to normal. The worst part about the breakup was that she hadn’t even clarified it. We just both knew what the other was thinking. Every call went unanswered, every text message, every email.

With her moved out, bills became a greater struggle. I couldn’t even offer to help my mother with anything, because two thirds of my paycheck went to bills itself, and what was left went to groceries. My mother wasn’t improving, either. Over the months, she only became heavily ill, her strokes appearing more frequently.

Eunbae and I stayed at bay. We never became official; I only distanced myself from her and I could see the pain it was putting her through, but did I care? No.

It was a Saturday morning when I woke up to a cold, empty, silent room. Lately, I’ve been numb. Feeling as if every day was repeating itself; I started to question if I was really here. Disassociating, was it called? They never mentioned a word about it to me. Focusing hard enough, I could make myself disappear at times where things were too stressful for me to handle. I felt nothing. Just numbness. It’s the meter right between the two lines of blanking and passing out - you’re awake, but you’re not all there. I stopped taking my medication as it just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. The pains were only something I got used to, but no amount off physical pain could top off what surged through my brain. Not even dancing could distract me, and that’s when I realized I was most likely at my breaking point.

The doorbell rang. I arose slowly, staring straight in front of me. The cold, dirty wood my feet pattered against raised chills throughout my entire body. Cleaning up around the house became less of a chore and more of an activity I dreaded, much like going to work - I could never find the energy, or the mental wellbeing to get the task done properly anymore. When had I started to suffer so much?

“Jungkook..!” I opened the door to see Eunbae. She had worry and possibly something else displayed on her face, before she looked at me. Not bothering to say anything, I motioned for her to come in, and she nodded. As she slid off her shoes, I closed and locked the door, heading towards the couch silently as I glanced out between the a small area that left a peak between the curtains.

“I-it’s so dark in here..” She started. I stayed silent as she continued. “I figured I’d come over, to help you clean up a bit. I know it’s hard for you.”

As much as she was sympathetic, and I should be appreciative, I continued to ignore her, enveloped in my own thoughts.

When? When had I started to suffer? Ah, when Y/N left. Of course that’d be it. But shouldn’t I be happy? She hadn’t cared before - about me. I was suffering, yet she never noticed. Was she the selfish one? Or was it I? What kind of boyfriend forgets their two year anniversary? So it was my fault. What kind of girlfriend doesn’t figure out her boyfriend has depression? It was hers. All on her. We were both so oblivious. Was it really me that night, or was it someone else? This, this suffering; this is me. It wasn’t me that night, whoever that was? He was happy. Who is he?

“Jungkook?” I snapped myself out of my thoughts and looked over to her.

“Mm?”

She just looks at me with a hurt expression, shaking her head as she chuckles painfully. “Nevermind.”

She had dusted, swept, vacuumed, washed the dishes, and even organized the things in the bathroom for me. Four hours later, she was finished.

She exhales coolly and dusts her hands off. “Wow, what time is it?”

“I don’t know.” I mutter. I hadn’t gotten out of that same spot on the couch since she came, with the exceptions of a bathroom break and to eat a granola bar.

“Want me to cook? What stuff do you have in - here...” She pauses as she opened the refrigerator, probably alarmed to see there was barely anything in there. An orange juice container, a gallon of milk, carton of eggs, and a half empty bag of salad.

“Jungkook, how are you living like this?” She sighs, shutting the fridge. I stayed silent as she strutted over to me, standing right in front of my face. She squatted down and my eyes followed her with a blank look.

“Come on, let’s go out somewhere. You haven’t done anything fun in ages! I can call Namjoon, Hoseo-” She suggests before I snap at her.

“God, will you just leave me the hell alone!?” I stood up quickly, the couch skidding back with the force of my legs. She winced and stood up, furrowing her eyebrows.

“I don’t want to do anything, okay? If you’re just going to fucking annoy me all day, then leave! Go on!” I heave, clenching my fists.

She nodded slowly as tears poured down her cheeks and she headed over to the front door, slipping her shoes back on. With one last look, she sighs and shakes her head as she reaches for the doorknob, leaving me in silence, yet again. With a huff, I plop back down on the couch, growling in aggravation once the home phone starts ringing. I reach over onto the table beside me and grab it abruptly to rid myself of that horrid noise.

“What? Hello?” I mumble.

“Is this the residency of Jeon Jungkook?” Speaks a male voice through the phone.

“Speaking. Why?” I inquire, suddenly stiffing up.

“I’m sorry to say this, but your mother didn’t make it.”

Black. All I could see was black. I tried to open my eyes, shutting them as soon as I did due to the whiteness of my surroundings blinding me and I grunted, attempting to reach for my throbbing forehead, but found I couldn’t move my hands. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I could hear panicked voices all around me, but I didn’t know who they were. My mind shifted in and out, until darkness consumed me.

The slow, vibrant beeping of monitors is what woke me. I attempted to open my eyes again, but as I did so, a pain shot through my head. I must be having those pains again. But where am I?

I started to remember as I kept my eyes closed.

She didn’t make it. I was on my way to the hospital where she stayed. I kept crying and crying; I couldn’t see anything as I drove through the rain. I desperately wanted to speed past the stop lights and all of the red lights, sobs wrecking through my entire body. I never wanted this to happen; it was all my fault. If only I had continued supporting her, she wouldn’t be dead. As soon as the light turned green, I sped up, not caring whether or not I’d get caught. I just needed to see her. I needed to know if this was real. Why did she have to leave me? Now everyone I cared about, they were all gone.

I was getting those pains again. The familiar squeezing sensation burst inside my head and my chest and I gasped, trying to grasp my heart with one hand as I drove with the other. I don’t remember what happened, but a truck crashed into the passenger’s seat of my car. I think I remembered trying to gain control of my car as the air left my lungs, but I failed once I began swerving into a wall.

That’s all I could remember. I opened my heavy eyes again, squinting as I made out my surroundings. From the white curtain shielding my view from the entire room, the hospital bed, and the machines hooked up to me, it was obvious that I was in a hospital; except it wasn’t the one I’d go to to see my mother.

A tall tan skinned man appeared behind the curtain, looking at me in surprise as he held a writing board and a small cup in his hand. “Mr. Jeon, we’re glad you’re awake. We thought it would take much longer for you to wake up.” He smiled warmly. I look at him in confusion and worry.

“What happened?” I asked, hoping he’d give me full details. “Am I okay?”

“You’re fine, besides a mild concussion. No broken bones. You were in a car crash, Mr. Jeon.”

As if on cue, I grab my head in pain and wince, touching the damp bandage. He quickly handed me the water along with two pills.

“Take these, it’ll ease your head pains soon.” He nods. I did as I was told, and sighed as the liquid soothed my scratchy throat.

“We aren’t finished running tests yet. Due to the state of your injury, you’ll be required to stay here for at least a week before we can release you. Otherwise, we’ll do our best to make you feel comfortable, and to help you if you’re in need of anything.”

I nodded slowly, processing everything he said as he left. I didn’t feel like crying anymore, even as I remembered my mother was now dead. All I could do was sigh and close my eyes as I rested my head against the pillow. The doors opened multiple times, but I didn’t expect to hear my curtain shift again.

“Jungkook!?” Yelled a female voice. I opened my eyes in curiosity, smiling gently as I saw it was Eunbae.

“Hey,” I whispered hoarsely, and she placed her bag down on the chair next to my bed, squeezing my hand.

“Ah, gently,” I winced, causing her to apologize profusely.

“I was so worried when I heard the news! I feel so bad,” She whined. Her hair was done in a neat bun, she had a long dress on, light makeup, and she even brought her umbrella with her.

“You don’t look worried, you look like you were on a date,” I muttered dryly, attempting to lighten the situation, which failed. She just swallows lightly and looks down at the bed, softly letting go of my hand.

“God, my head is killing me.” I licked my lips as I rested my head against the pillow, shutting my eyes again. Once again, the curtains were yanked furiously, and I assumed it was just the doctor coming to see if the pills were working. What I wasn’t expecting was to hear the soft, panicked voice of someone I could never forget.

“J-Jungkook..!”

AN: okay so im finally done with jungkook’s pov omg it took me from 12pm to 4:40pm to finish this!! I hope its good and i do find this part necessary to read, since in Y/N’s pov, it doesnt explain much as to why jungkook cheated, so i hope this chapter is good! and like I said, i’ll be doing two endings! x

#jungkook x reader #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook

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goodoldianto-blog · 6 years

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Romance guidelines:

How Guys Can Put together Rapport With Gals

The next article by Torkom Saraydarian presents invaluable relation recommendations on how guys can create greater rapport with females. Right here also, laughter is a vital aspect on the alternative. In Torkom’s words “If the couple participates in entertaining activities and plays numerous games with each other, they fuse their hearts, and their concerns are a lot easier to resolve.” The vast majority of our social problems, upheavals and troubles originate from unhappy relationships among women and men.

The ancient mystery schools stipulated that a man could not be a instructor until finally he held the keys to the many doors in the female psyche. This was a indicator of greater sensitivity and mastery of himself. In knowing to comprehend woman, man becomes finish. Girl, by contrast, is usually total if she hasn't abused herself by trying to be like a man.

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Several guys became wonderful given that they had been married to women who helped them achieve that greatness. Their wives stood behind them, encouraged them, sacrificed and labored to deliver out the right in them. They grew to become serious guys. Such guys have said, “Without my wife, I could not have performed what I did.” Conversely, if a guy loses the respect of his wife on account of his personal lack of virtue and striving, he also loses power physically, emotionally, and mentally. Whenever a guy is deprived like this, his enterprise gets worse, his social relationships endure, and he acts like a child with his temper, tirades, and nasty deeds. Then his wife rejects him even more considering that she won't will need another youngster to care for.

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A lady is really a man’s biggest asset in this globe in the event the partnership is accurate. A lady will inspire her husband, she will sacrifice herself for him, and with the most significant instances within a man’s life, she are going to be the 1 to achieve out, grasp his hand and pull him up. She will give him spiritual energy and almost everything that he desires. For these good reasons a guy ought to learn about to know gals and the way to relate to them superbly.

Girl has the capability to carry out the very best that's in guy. She evokes from man the right that he's. Guys will have to be grateful to females who do this.

Woman may be a challenger. Usually if a guy helps make a choice to carry out a little something after which will not do it, she shows him in some way that she thinks he is weak. She might even leave him. Then the man might use the psychology of blaming her and say, “She wished me to perform it, and when I did not, she left.” He forgets that he manufactured a decision, a promise. When he did not adhere to his decision or always keep his guarantee, she noticed in him an inferior man, and she didn't demand an inferior guy. If a guy can make a guarantee he need to hold it; otherwise, he shouldn't promise. A lady desires a guy who keeps his word. … A man really should value his wife because the highest issue in his daily life - greater than his online business or other interests. A man’s wife is his honor as well as the source of his joy, inspiration, energy, food, and wellbeing. She will be the mother of his youngsters. A guy have to sacrifice for her. Whenever he's with her, he will need to fail to remember all his outdoors interests and give her his complete interest.

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A woman has spiritual safety when she feels that her husband or her fiance features a superb vision toward which he is striving. A man striving to attain a fantastic objective is a incredible source of security to get a female. She cannot be her greatest self without that vision. When she sees that her highest vision is manifested in her man by his striving, then she feels safe.

Female has safety when her area is just not limited.

Vision in her man expands her area; lack of vision in her guy limits her room. Woman requirements the sense of area she will get from guy: physical room inside the kind of prosperity, cash, furnishings, and residence; emotional and psychological space from a husband who certainly is aware of and understands factors; spiritual space enables a lady to produce her potential as far as possible. As a lot room being a man provides to his wife, so much does she increase and enhance in attractiveness, goodness, and wisdom.

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If a woman feels that a man is utilizing his funds, his place, his career, or his know-how to suppress or humiliate her, she will dislike all that he has and it is. The identical issue is true for any man if a woman tries to impress her superiority on him. If, as an example, a lady says to a guy, “You are only generating $10,000 a year, but I am producing $80,000,” that man will come to feel humiliated and angry.

A woman adores a man that has a sense of responsibility, who takes care of her as well as youngsters and considerations himself with their well being and welfare. By way of example, if one of the little ones desires his teeth worked on as well as the husband says to his wife, “You deal with it; I'm active,” he is not showing obligation. If his wife is worrying or if she is sick, the man will have to not ignore it. He ought to take care of it. Once the woman knows that her husband is taking good care of her with genuine concern, she will be concerned much less and be more healthy.

https://supremefaness.tumblr.com/post/178029739539/connection-suggestions

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