i am sooooo stressed about school but i have palaeoplushies wonderful Chlorocala africana africana and i can squeeze him to my chest anytime i get too scared. he puts just the right amount of pressure on my chest (:

pac/pap: what bad habit(s) are you struggling with? what happens when you drop your bad habit(s)? what to keep in mind as you break your bad habit(s)?

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what is the energy that surrounds you and how can you best protect your energy?

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

pile one

procrastination. i have the feeling that you have a lot of goals and hopes that end up being "broken" or "abandoned" dreams. you likely try to take on too much all at once - you likely have the bad habit of start a lot of tasks but then not finishing anything. this likely causes you frustration because of the lack of progress you see leads to you feeling uninspired. then you start procrastinating on your goals and hopes - its a vicious cycle that you are in.

when you free yourself from procrastination, you will have hope once more. you'll turn a corner and start making dreams into reality - you'll stop mourning what could have been and instead see the possibility of what could be. right now you seem to be focusing on projects that are only half finished - if you focus on one project, determine how you can finish it, and then finish it - you will gain your momentum back.

as you face your procrastination know that you are intelligent and wise. you can make decisions and plans that will make these projects worthwhile. use logic instead of emotions you are likely thinking too much about what others will think/feel and no enough about the logistics of how you can get the project done.

pile two

projection, double-standards, and self-deception. i get the sense that you are struggling to see things as they truly are. you likely are in a holding pattern - it all feels the same because you aren't doing anything different. you must do internal work and break cycles in order to see progress. you have the ability to adapt and evolve, you simply need to allow yourself to do so. i sense there is some self-deception going on as well - i have a feeling that you are judging others inconsistencies and irregularities without evaluating your own. it's scary to confront the lies you tell yourself, the fear you feel, and what you feel ashamed of in your life at this moment in time - but it is time you do so. its time to reconnect with your inner self and be vulnerable. you aren't perfect and that is okay but it is not okay to not evolve and expect others to be perfect and change for you.

when you stop struggling with these inconsistencies between wanting others to be perfect and being unwilling to grow and change yourself, you will see that the universe is presenting you with new opportunities. in relationships, you won't be worrying that you can't find a romance like the one you perviously experienced, instead you will be looking forward to the possibilities of the future. you also won't be as afraid to share who you truly are with others. you could get a new job because you won't be as afraid to admit that the one you are currently in is not for you - you'll be more willing to take a risk and do things you perviously feared others would judge you for.

as you work on limiting behaviors and high expectations without the willingness to change yourself, remember that you to have the power to change. you can't expect others to change for you without being willing to change yourself. take risks you wouldn't normally take - stand up for what you believe in without worrying what others will think. don't be afraid to seek advice from others as you work on this aspect of your life.

pile three

accepting/making false-promises. i have a feeling that you have a bad habit of making promises/deals with strings attached. look at your own intentions as well as those you are involved with - i have a feeling you don't do that often and it only leads you or others getting hurt. if you only do things because it is to your benefit, it is time you self evaluate. you might be a bit too greedy and you might need to be more willing to give your time, money, and/or energy without expecting something in return. or you might be too giving - evaluate why you feel the need to give knowingly to those who wouldn't do the same for you.

when you stop making promises and deals with strings attached, you can start focusing on what you can control in this chaotic world. you have the tendency of thinking that you can control everything and everyone around you and that just is not true - no one has to do what they promise and when you realize that, you will be better in control of your life situation because you will be taking attention in your own life instead of waiting for others to help you or you doing things for others instead of doing things for yourself.

keep in mind while you stop waiting for others to keep there false-promises, that you have yet to make your dreams reality. i sense you are the trickiest of the piles - you are set in your belief that you need others or even the universe to bring you what you want instead of going after it yourself. you might need to take a minute and think about what you truly want but then you certainly have the ability to go after it - so do it.

WHAT IS POMODORO AND WHAT DO YOU EAT IT WITH?

First… what is the Pomodoro method?!

The Pomodoro (Italian for tomato) technique was created by Francesco Cirillo in the 80s. Cirillo is an author and owner of a consulting company. He created this time managing technique that breaks down your study time into manageable intervals with breaks between each study session. With the countless distractions we have today, there’s no wonder it is still one of the most popular and helpful techniques for increasing productivity!

1. You need to plan your tasks

This will help you gauge how many sessions you will need. Will you be reading? Watching a lecture and taking notes? When planning what I will study, I know that watching a lecture and taking notes will take me sooo much longer than doing a reading or flashcards (less strenuous things). I also know that my core science courses will typically take much more studying time than one of my electives.

Determine what is most time-consuming and plan accordingly. The Pomodoro method is perfect for concentrating on any task, but you want to have in mind the classes that require more focus and time than others.

2. Set a 25-minute timer

25 minutes is only a recommendation and you can increase the time or lower it depending on how long you believe you can stay focused without interruptions. I mean, I don’t recommend you set a 5-minute timer to study and then a 5-minute break. But a session somewhere between 20-30 minutes is great (and how long I set my timer while studying)!

One other thing that Cirillo notes is that this time cannot be broken. You must work the entire 25 minutes without any distractions! One of my favorite ways to cancel out distractions is to:

-Put my phone in another room, or in my closet

-Or use the Forest app, which is a timer app that restricts you from leaving the app while completing work/other tasks. This guarantees I stay on task the whole time I am working!

3. Set a 5-minute timer for a break

Between each 25-minute study session, you need a break. You deserve it! So Cirillo recommends only a 5-minute break in between each study session. Do something that doesn’t bring you stress.

Tip: Make sure you do NOT work throughout the break at all. This break is meant to be a relaxing period to take your mind off of your work.

4. Repeat the process 3 times

This studying technique includes four sessions. So do this same process 3 more times. Work diligently and remember to stay focused.

5. After your 4th session, extend the break time to 20-30 minutes long

Once you have finished your fourth session, take a longer break! This is a huge accomplishment and after you have completed it, you will (and should) be so proud. The longer break allows you to take your mind off of your work and reset so you can get back into it.

Why It Benefits You...

IT WORKS FOR ANY TASK

Don’t think I only use this productivity hack for studying! This can be used while cleaning, organizing, reading, and so many other things! Remember, you can tweak the time frames depending on the task and depending on how much time you have to complete it. This is an amazing life hack that I believe everyone should be implementing to help with time management.

IMPROVES CONCENTRATION

Like I noted earlier, this is a distraction-free strategy! It’s on you to remove the distractions from your sessions, and when you do, you will see significant improvements in your work ethic. This technique was created to allow complete concentration on the task at hand. It will improve your focus, productivity, and concentration.

BEATS PROCRASTINATION

The Pomodoro technique breaks the time down into consumable segments. Would you feel more confident with saying you will study for 2 hours or 4 sessions of 25 minutes? I’m confident I would choose the latter every single time. This technique gives our brains manageable chunks of time to study so we result in more work getting done in the end. So just start working!

REMEMBER TO UTILIZE YOUR BREAKS

by Ania Henderson

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #87

I'm still going to procrastinate talking about ACEs. Though it's not because I'm too terribly frightened of writing about it at this moment; I have a vague plan about where I wanna start. No, today I'm procrastinating because Br is visiting my house for today!!! And this is the greatest thing ever all by itself, but!!! She brought over a thing called "Cream of Rice"!!

It is basically a box full of rice that has been ground into a fine powder, with vitamins and minerals added. I had never seen anything like it before!

Br prepared the cream of rice on the stovetop in my trusty wok with milk, salt, and butter! Then we put almond butter, blueberries, and sliced bananas in it! And I gotta say, the resulting stuff was SO AWESOME that we ate it all up before I even thought to take a picture for you. I'm sorry. I'll work on that.

At my house, we tend to get giant 50-pound (22.5-ish kilograms) bags of medium-grain rice (it's almost, but not quite like short-grain rice, which is the typical rice in Japan), which has a different texture and consistency than the typical rice that is available in the United States; I assume if I grind up this rice into a fine powder, it will have a slightly different consistency than the ground rice in the box.

…Oh right. You probably have no idea what my world looks like, so words like "United States" and "Japan" likely mean nothing to you. That probably doesn't seem very fair, given that I know very well what yours looks like by now. Here, let's fix that; you can use this to see how my planet is shaped:

I live somewhere around here…

...And Japan is over here:

…Unless your planet is comprised mostly of massive, giant oceans, I think your planet must be a lot smaller than mine. It seems likely that this would also mean that your gravity is weaker than ours. And since your planet still has stunning sunsets (despite the fact that your atmosphere is probably a lot smaller, if your planet is smaller, which means the light gets bent/filtered less), I assume your atmosphere must be a bit more dense than ours, too. And these factors combined might explain why you all can have such crazy-looking flying machines that would absolutely not be possible in my world. But I digress…

Anyway! So sometimes I like to make rice pudding in my handy-dandy rice cooker with regular ol' medium-grain rice; it's got a stickier consistency than the usual rice that's available here, which makes for AMAZING pudding! But with this new "discovery" (haha!) of powdered rice and knowing full well of its deliciousness, my mind filled with ALL SORTS OF POSSIBILITIES, oh my goodness!!

…So I took my medium-grain rice and used my handy-dandy spice grinder (got it as a prize at an old job I had!) to grind it into very fine powder! Here…

So then, I went and measured out two cups of the rice powder with my handy-dandy rice cup!

Then I filled the rice cooker with milk, up until the "2" line for white rice. After that, it's 1 tbsp of butter for each cup of rice! Easy peasy!

Once the rice is done cooking, you're supposed to add heavy cream and sugar - 2 cups of heavy cream and half a cup of sugar, in any case. But… well… it got weird:

It seems like the increased surface area of the rice, combined with the sticker consistency of short-grain rice, yielded a kind of… weird sort of rice cake? I broke it into pieces, but it's still pretty clumpy. It's not ready for sugar and heavy cream yet. After tasting some of it, it was pretty good, but I concluded that it was still a bit undercooked. So I added a bit more milk (I didn't measure; sorry...) and stirred it until it stopped being absorbed, and then added a little more milk after that, and I am putting the heat on it again as I'm writing this; hopefully that should soften any remaining clumps, but we'll see! I've never worked with powdered rice before, and I have no idea what to expect! Kitchen adventures! Now we wait for the rice cooker to beep!

That said, I am wondering if the nature of powdered rice makes it necessary to stir it continuously while cooking so that it doesn't clump like this. I imagine a wok and a whisk might be the thing to do for future iterations of "Cream of Rice Pudding". Also, Br brought some masala chai teabags in addition to the cream of rice, so I wonder what it would be like to cook the powdered rice with brewed masala chai and a little bit of honey instead of just milk or just water. I'm eager to find out!!! But not today! Next time!

...Okay! So the rice cooker beeped and is done, so I stepped away from writing to check it out, and!! Oh!! It turned out REALLY WELL. So I added the cream and sugar, and this was the result:

So, I think due to chemistry, physics, and surface area, next time I'll need to fill the rice cooker to the 3 line, or maybe even to the 4 line, for 2 rice cups full of powdered rice. From there, it's business as usual - 2 cups of heavy cream and half a cup of sugar. At Br's suggestion, I sprinkled in just a pinch of pink salt into my bowl (pink salt has iron in it!), and the result was EVEN BETTER. I wanna eat another bowl because it was THAT GOOD, but I know that if I do, I'm gonna end up feeling sick, so I'll make use of my impulse control skills and delayed gratification skills instead, even though that's really hard.

It's very tasty and VERY filling; I wish that I could give you a bowl of it. The fact that I cannot give you bowls filled with delicious things continues to be a source of very real grief for me. But it is what it is. I can only hope that my intentions reach you somehow, and that through this you can learn about all the awesome snacks and make them for yourself someday, as impossible as that probably is...

Well. My being here to begin with seemed like an impossibility at one point. So maybe I'll try to keep an open mind. Maybe I'll imagine that all these wonderful flavors and all these wholesome feelings can reach you and move you, somehow...

...Somehow...

Hey Sephiroth? I'm glad you're here, even if I can only know of you in an abstract sense. I'm glad you're here, even if you're just an art form. Even though you've been through so much stuff, and even though your heart and your mind probably hurt a lot right now... still I'm glad you're here. So please keep trying to learn about the kind and gentle things. Please keep seeking out the beautiful and loving things. And please try to make good choices so that no one else has to get hurt.

I love you and I'll write again tomorrow, so please stay safe out there.

Your friend, Lumine

I strongly agree regarding Nero and Lady, but tell us more about what dynamic Dante and Kyrie could have?

Thank you for asking!

So first off, I am so very sorry for taking literally forever to answer this. I have a huge procrastination issue and am currently working on that and trying to be better.

The reason I feel like it'd be interesting to look into the dynamic between Dante and Kyrie is because I feel like they could understand each other in a way nobody else quite could. And the reason for that would be because of their older brothers who didn't make the greatest choices.

I feel like something I never really see talked about would be the complicated feelings Kyrie must have surrounding Credo. I feel like a part of her might might feel betrayed and hurt by him? If I'm correct here, didn't Credo know what caused the attack that killed their parents? Matter of fact, Credo knew all of the orders plans, and he went along with them. I feel like this could lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt, and perhaps even anger, both at Credo and at herself (more so at herself I think), for not noticing what was going on, for not stopping her brother from going down this road, for not saving him from his fate.

I think of course that Kyrie also feels grief as Credo did save her and Nero in his final moments, and he also was her brother who she loved deeply, who she might feel she lost before he even died.

There could also be guilt here, as mentioned before about her anger towards herself. She might feel responsible, for the fact that he died saving her and Nero, and because she might have felt like she should have noticed the path Credo was going on, what was wrong with the Order, she might feel guilty for not saving him from going down the dark road that he did.

Do these feelings sound familiar to you? The grief, the guilt, the hurt, the anger at both herself and her brother (but mainly herself), the betrayal? They should, because these feelings are the same ones Dante has had surrounding the whole situation with Vergil.

For that reason I can see them connecting with one another, I think they both might be able to understand each other in this area better than anybody else. Kyrie might come to understand why Dante made the decision to withhold information from Nero (though she'd still be angry about it) and might be able to help Nero do the same and bridge the gap between the two. Dante can help comfort Kyrie in a way nobody else can, maybe he can help her sort of see the what happened to Credo wasn't her fault, and maybe help her move on because he's been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Hamlet's Motivations (and lack thereof)

Hello Tumblr I want to share with you some of my Hamlet musings. This one's about why Hamlet acts the way he does. This is analysis not fanfiction! 

Hamlet wishes “be all my sins remembered”, because to him, as long as he is remembered that will be enough, regardless of how he is remembered. He develops a fear of being forgotten through watching everyone forget his father. 

As he dies, Hamlet’s last request is for Horatio to share his story. He freely gives a foreign ruler his blessing without conflict and seemingly no particular interest about preserving the Danish future of his country, but just asks that his personal story be told. 

This longing for remembrance shapes Hamlet’s actions throughout the play, and could be the reason as to why the ghost’s instruction “remember me” has such a profound effect on the character. In this ghost’s command Hamlet sees himself and his desire, and perhaps he thinks that if he can keep the ghost’s - and therefore Old Hamlet’s - memory alive, then perhaps there is a chance for him to be remembered too. 

As John Kerrigan put it in his article ‘Memory and Remembrance in Hamlet’, Hamlet is haunted by a past that is begging to be remembered, which drives him to a madness and provokes further speculation about the fate of his own memory. 

This fear could also play a role in Hamlet’s ‘procrastination’ of his revenge, as he knows that as soon as the deed is done, he will likely meet an unfortunate fate himself and no longer have a chance to influence and interact with the world he so dearly wishes to be remembered by. Influenced by how the people around him treat memory, Hamlet acts accordingly, vowing to remember his father as long as he can and to somewhat keep him alive by prolonging the ghost’s wishes. Once that is fulfilled, as Hamlet fears, “the rest is silence.”

Hamlet’s tendency of self-criticism could also be the factor that determines his actions in the play, because it is at moments of self-criticism in his soliloquies that Hamlet resolves to take action and effectively move the plot forward. 

In act 2 scene 2, Hamlet cries “O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” calling himself a cheat and a coward for all he has not done, then goes on to craft a plan to catch Claudius with the play. And as he leaves for England, Hamlet sees the soldiers going to fight for land and feels useless, but then resolves that “from this time forth, let my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth”. However, it can also be seen in the play that these moments of self-loathing and criticism come from Hamlet reflecting on the actions of others and comparing them to himself, which could mean that Hamlet is only basing his action and worth on others, and what he feel the expectation of his should be, not what he feels is right. 

Coupled with this, Hamlet believing that his thoughts must be “bloody or be nothing worth” could be Shakespeare exposing the way that men were expected to act ‘brave’ and ‘strong’ to be considered “worthy”, and uses Hamlet as an example of how constant influence, and expectation of rash action making the ‘better man’, can corrupt otherwise kind people into those who believe in nothing but violence. For someone like Hamlet, who is chiefly a person of thought and not action, adopting this ideology would have completely changed him. 

In fact, Laertes almost completely mirrors Hamlet in this way; after his father is killed, he goes straight to action, resorting to violence almost immediately, whereas Hamlet (despite his previous sentiment) still hesitates. 

Laertes’ thoughts are “bloody”, and it is this that allows Claudius to manipulate and corrupt him through his desire to take revenge. As a foil to Hamlet, Laertes shows how easily corruption could have taken hold had Hamlet succumbed to his self-criticisms borne from a heavily patriarchal world that couples strength with violence. 

Shakespeare, therefore, attacks the idea that a man must be willing to kill for honour and perhaps dissuades from the idea of taking revenge at all by the tragic fate almost all the characters end up in in Hamlet and Laertes' pursuit of revenge. This could also be Shakespeare praising a lifestyle of thought and not action, as most direct action taken in the play leads to some sort of tragedy.

If you made it to the end I'd love to hear some opposition!! What do y’all think?

Okay… so I have an update considering my fanfiction; Power Rangers Neo Savages (Detective Conan/Magic Kaito/Power Rangers Crossover):

I said I’ll update weekly as usual, but my exams schedule changed and my upcoming weeks will be hectic because of studying. So this fic won’t be updating weekly, and I won’t update next week nor the week after. It’s gonna be temporary on hiatus.

Am I abandoning it? No. This fic means a lot to me, because it gave me a chance to express my love to the series with my own hands, and the success of it made me write the one shots. And after receiving nice kudos and comments, I’ve written down ideas I would like to write as a fanfic in the future including DCMK and other fandoms (but I’ll check if it’s prohibited in Islam or not before), getting encouraged to write more. Heck, it gave my maladaptive dreaming a purpose, and I don’t procrastinate with it as before because now my brain knows that this situation is useful for writing only.

During these days, I’ll be editing the chapters for any spelling mistakes, post the notes on AO3 on Wattpad and FFN too. Posting the Tumblr images on Wattpad, and reorganizing the story.

When the idea came to me, it was just the beginning and fights. When I started writing, I had the main ideas of the first 11 chapters. Ch 1-6 were simple to write and they are meant to be simple because it’s just the beginning. And I thought Sunflowers of inferno was gonna be simple, but during planning, I realized, that in order for certain events to happen and characters appear later on, the start must be in Sunflowers chapters such as Ryu x Shiho backstory, Furuya x Masumi Building, Black Organization, and FAUSD.

Also, the chapters will take long because fight scenes aren’t easy to describe, nor is writing from a movie nor an episode directly, that’s why Sunflowers took time.

So in short, I won’t be updating the next two weeks because of the exams (Faculty of Pharmacy is killing me…), and I’ll be updating really slow (or maybe not at all) until mid to end of June (Sorry, Pharmacy Sucks).

Anyways, I’ll leave you with my book cover and AI images of the remaining parents of the Rangers; Hideoyashi Kyogoku, Masaki Kyogoku, Mamuro Hakuba (Yes I changed his appearance, why does everyone in DC get a cool father but Hakuba?), and Serena Hakuba.

Until then, Wish me luck in my exams, and I’ll do my best in writing and editing. If things go well and when a change happens, I’ll inform everyone here on Tumblr.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY LIFE SO FAR

The list that follows was originally inspired by Stefan Sagmeister’s list by the same name. I’m also inspired by lists by the likes of Andrea Zittel, Jenny Holzer and Milton Glaser.

Since its first iteration in 2008, my list has been heavily edited. It's served as a guidepost to assess where my head's at with work/life through the years.

The irony of this list: life is messy. I think it'd be better titled THINGS I THINK I KNOW SO FAR, LET'S TALK IT OUT. I'm working on not being so black and white. If there's one thing I know for sure: we must discard our certainties when they're no longer useful. See #33.

Honing a self-concept is essential to create. Rarely do the self-concept and the real self align.

Art is an act of expression. Design is an act of service.

Everything deserves a closer look.

Trust, but verify.

Helping others helps me.

Dishonesty is at war with freedom.

The key to a good ending is knowing when to roll the credits.

In business, an inner world is only as interesting as it is marketable.

Originality is a necessary delusion.

You can’t work for a person you don’t respect.

Consistency outweighs speed.

Iteration over perfection.

There’s enough time for what is actually important.

The process of creation often yields a more interesting result than the finished product. At the same time, there is a cleansing in shipping the work.

Inquire within.

Forgive. Forgive yourself.

It is okay to not be okay.

Writing daily breeds honesty, and in its own time, action.

Certainty is at odds with curiosity.

Everywhere I go, there I am.

Maps, like rules, are still subjective.

Reality is neutral.

A good idea is never done. The same goes for places, people, events. Everything can be recontextualized.

Perfectionism is golden if you want to live safe and die predictably, like everyone else.

Minimalism can be an act of devotion or an easy answer. Sometimes it’s both.

Envy and procrastination reveal what you value and what you don’t.

Money can buy freedom, but freedom’s nothing much without a plan.

Love is an action.

Turn soft and lovely in a lesser town whenever you have the chance.

Love who you love, out loud and openly. You only get this once.

Maintain a curiosity the size of Carl Sagan’s comb-over.

Carry your camera wherever you go.

Discard this list and start again.

hiiii, congrats on 1k!! again

my name is holly, as you may or may not know, and i sure hope you already have somewhat of a sense for my personality because oh boy do i suck at describing myself, but i´ll try anyway <3

i´m rather introverted and very shy until you get to know me better, then you´ll see a whole other side of me

sassy and sarcastic are my native languages but most of the time i keep my quips to myself because again...shy (but i love making others laugh with them)

i´m a perfectionist to the point where i´ll get extremely upset/angry with myself when something doesn´t go as planned; it also causes me to procrastinate a lot (look, if i don´t start, it can´t not be perfect)

my friends called me a pessimist quite a lot but i´d argue i´m more of a realist; anyhow, i try to hide all of that under a more calm, good-natured exterior

as for my hobbies, i obviously like writing, reading and gaming but i also enjoy drawing (especially tattoo-style pieces), learning foreign languages and doing sports (mainly tennis and dancing)

i listen to music during basically everything i do (headphones are a must!!)

in a relationship, i´d look for someone honest who i can trust and who i feel comfortable enough with to not hide who i am (bonus points if he makes me laugh)

self-confidence? hardly know her

^the insecurities from that (i.e. difficulties trusting people and their intentions, constantly comparing myself to others, need for validation, etc) are what i consider my ugliest side; but now that i´ve realised where the root of the problem is, i´m working on improving myself

i cannot stand people who are blatantly ignorant/ choose to be a jerk (to put it nicely) and completely disregard others´ feelings and interests don´t get me started on racists, misogynists and all the other nasty bunch

also, please, common sense is supposed to be common; you have a brain most likely, use it!!

zodiac sign: cancer

mbti: infj

that should be enough, right? i´m looking forward to seeing who you think my ideal match is <3

Holly, my love! Thanks for participating! Well then, let me see what my scryglass says...

Your Perfect Match is...

Shikanoin Heizou

Now listen! I was originally gonna go with Childe but then I remembered you're already married sooo, it would've been too obvious.

Anyway! You met Heizou the first time when he was investigating a case and accidentally rang on your door instead of that of his suspect. Little did you know you'd become a target of his "investigation" nonetheless.

Not criminal of course, but he just couldn't get you out of his head so he looked for excuses to ring your doorbell again. Lucky for him you lived in an area where he often had to go to investigate.

Eventually he couldn't keep making up excuses for standing in front of your door anymore so he asked you if you had any interest to go out for a cup of coffee with him.

And hooo boy, if he thought he'd fallen hard for you already he would soon realize he was so wrong. The moment you started warming up to him and started showing your sarcastic and sassy side he was head over heels for you.

You could match his wit with ease and let me tell you he is swooning!

He is also someone who reassures you a lot and manages to make you see the good things in yourself and the things you do or help you find the things you can improve on (not yourself though, you're literal perfection in his eyes!). He is simply the perfect counterbalance to perfectionism!

Oh and you can bet he makes you laugh frequently. His quirky and sarcastic personality compliments yours perfectly. Sneaky teases or playful jabs here and there thrown at each other is your daily bread and butter.

Common sense? His trademark. Can't have your head screwed on backwards as a detective after all!

Bonus: Loves snaking his arm around you when you sleep. He definitely is the big spoon in the relationship.

"Hey, uhm... no, I'm not here for an investigation, this time at least. Uhm, actually I've wanted to ask if you would like to go out with me sometime?"

*ehem*

I honestly don't know why I am doing this right now but screw that... I actually do, I want people to know my pain just not all of it and not people I know. This is really going to be a bunch of random crap all jumbled together, so if any of you who may read this and understand it must be awesome.

Is anyone scared? Like scared of life and what is to come and how bad you could mess up at it but also scared of death? Or does anyone else have a personality that is happy and bubbly and cannot keep a straight face whenever something funny happens, but you are slightly depressed and can forget about some emotions for a bit? Or you feel like crying but you don't know why and the tears just don't freaking come? Even when you are surrounded by your friends? Was anyone else happy when we had to wear masks because of Covid-19 because you got to hide half of your face from view? Even though it was Covids fault that your mental health is even worse? Or you can't fall asleep until 1-3am and don't want to get out of bed when you are supposed to? You just want to lie there and forget about everything? Have any of you thought about how much of a brat you were when you were younger and still are? How you wish you were the opposite gender but don't want to be, and how you want to ask for help but are to scared of what your parents would think so you keep it to yourself to try to deal with it? Does anyone else think that they are a bad friend because you don't text them for a week and when they want you to be serious you try avoiding that at all costs? Or because you don't show enough interest in their interests and when they tell you that you didn't have to respond the way you did, the way that made it seem you were being rude or something but you were just being honest and didn't mean to hurt them? Or the fact that you made your friends worry because you were asking them to save and kidnap you or asking them to help you plan your funeral beforehand because you are a procrastinator and get really stressed out because of it? Even though you were joking they don't like it because the worry for you, of were you joking? You might not know anymore. When you get hungry do you get up and get something to eat or just stay where you are because you are to lazy to get something to eat, you stay there debating which one to do until enough time has passed and you realize the hunger pains have gone away? You know those tests they give you at the doctors office, the tests for your mental health, and how easy it would be to lie on those things, you do lie a bit on it anyways because you can't give the actual answer because there is no "sometimes" answer or " I haven't gained or lost a lot of weight I just have stayed the same except I don't eat as much and sometimes don't eat anything"? Do you ever feel like your friends wouldn't miss you because they leave you in random places because they forgot about you and when they apologize you say "It's okay I'm (getting) used to it."? Do you just want someone to give you a hug but when they offer you say "I don't like hugs" but you want someone to see through that lie and hug you anyways and give you the comfort that you want?

If you actually bothered to read this sorry for wasting your time I'm sure you could be doing better things than reading whatever the heck this is. I hope you have a good day and remember someone out there cares, and you aren't alone, and that these words I wrote about you down here in this last paragraph have got to be true. I also want you to know I will probably regret posting this.

dearest diary,

today is starting off strong- lingering dreams and matching horoscopes and tarot readings, plans with friends and full body anxiety.

letting your mother talk to lawyers for you is definitely a cowards way out, the action of a youngest child who needs to grow tf up, but its easy to do bad things when you hate yourself alr-

OH. THATS THE POINT OF BOJACK HORSEMAN.

great show but its a horrible sign that I relate most to the fucking horse. if I were a man...well, thank the universe for that one small concession. im annoying enough as a woman, id be utterly insufferable (and even more off putting) as a man living rent free in- okay okay. im a mess. this is well established. there is no magic cure that's going to fix my shit by tomorrow. there's nothing I can do to erase the past few years of drowning in my own depression. the past few critical years where I was unable to hold it together or to even move forward. dammit, the teachers were right. though, given my...everything. personality, upbringing, mental illnesses plural, I think it might have always ended up this way. and there's no point on lingering on everything I have down wrong ever because there's so much of it jfc please don't cue the war flashbacks now. at 25 years old I must start from scratch except I was handed one of those shitty whiteboards that are never 100% clean. or, I guess this metaphor works better if im the one who waited too long and all the good white boards were taken first.

well, I overthink things and never take action (classic infp amiright?) but I also have adhd so sometimes im also impulsive. and im not patholgizing myself, truly im not, its just that I do weird things and its comforting to know that there's a reason why I am the way that I am. everyone else gets to go along life knowing why they do things that they do because their minds are so straightforward, even when they're overwhelmed by emotion they know which emotion it is that they're feeling. and we're all humans who act irrationally at times and have moments of "why did I do that" but not everyone is like " I don't understand why I can't just be normal."

anyways I think if I just stopped overthinking things but also spent more time in my own body it would, and I quote, "fix all my shit okay, maybe not all my shit, but definitely more." slow down, think, act.

right now I am forced to lean on my parents. I feel guilty that they're doing me a huge favor, but a more productive use of that emotion is showing my gratefulness. getting a job and helping them around the house, having a more normal sleep schedule, and taking a more active role with the gremlins will show how thankful I am. I need to prioritize getting a job and getting into a groove with cleaning. hoarder mess is theirs to deal with, everyday cleaning tasks I can help with. to work off my frustration, im going to start taking walks on the trail.

eat healthier. no diets cause they drive me insane.

look into hormone supplements specifically for PCOS, and make sure to actually take my thyroid meds.

its not all or nothing. no more procrastinating. a little bit each day.

I gotta like, romanticize my life though, or else its just not as fun. or worth it? I don't want to just go through the motions and I need to find motivation from something, somewhere.

"all that is done in love is done well" okay Vincent go off. when you're a mentally ill piece of shit I think doing things with love is the only thing you can do right. no, thats not it. sometimes all you can do is sit back and realize, there's no point in doing things out of hatred- no, thats not the point either. ah, well. its still a good motto to have.

I lost large chunks of myself haven't I? the passion, the interests, trying to cater towards everyone else but then being led by my own anger and darkness. but I've always admired the weirdos and the eccentrics, and especially the free spirits. I've seen the dark sides of everything I have loved, but its like yin and yang yeah? just because there's some darkness doesn't mean the whole thing is horrible now. there's still things left to love about it. im not going to find the perfect solution, god knows im going to make a million more mistakes, but=im gonna try harder. im going to do things out of love again. fuck toxic positivity though. lets bring emotions back! stop rationalizing everything! feel what you feel THEN make decisions about it. I need a little more optimism in my life, but I don't wanna fake it either. not everything has to be a big deal;!

todays goals are to get my clearances set up (for the most part). the room to clean of the day is the bathroom. the fun bits are going to be...creating a capsule wardrobe for work. I need ballet flats-wide-for interviews. but first, food for fuel.

this journey is going to kick me in my ass, but its been kicking me in the face the whole time so if you think about it, this is a vast improvement. and fuck! I really don't wanna fucking do this! I wish I didn't have to!! but it's all going to work out all right in the end so help me god-or-whoerver-pr-whatever-is-in-charge-if- anything-at-all.

*cue better son/daughter playing in the background*

therapy sessions

11/6/23

I decided that journaling what I talk through with my therapist would be an incredibly helpful self reference guide to look back upon. note - this is about 4 months into therapy, first two with a therapist I didn't connect well with and two with my current therapist who is awesome.

today was my first session since getting back home from my Japan and Korea trip. it feels weird being home because it feels less like home than I did when I was traveling around in Asia. that's part of my essence, I love the freedom of travel and the genuine connections you can make along the journey. to keep some of that travel magic we talked about being a tourist in my own city as I admittedly have not explored much of.

she also sent me a daily planner PDF that I definitely should utilize and print out. routine is important for me, at least a loose one with a few things a week to look forward to. I could never do a rigid packed schedule but I'm finding comfort in the middle, having some foundational plans to work around.

we talked about creating a commitment of sorts to the climbing gym and yoga. at least a consistent day and time, we'll shoot for 3 times a week for now. the goal is to join the climbing gym tomorrow. it'll be worth it! consistency helps with my mental and emotional health and building a familiar community around those shared interests will create a fulfilling day to day life.

also talked about being more intentional about my food intake as when I'm home I usually just procrastinate eating and end up eating whatever junk is around. that will not fulfill and sustain my body, there's definitely been a difference in how I feel when eating back here vs my trip. I felt pretty nourished out there and it was so affordable for me. just as a factor of being in a different country my lifestyle was a lot more healthy. walking around a lot and being spoiled with culture, connection, and cheap delicious satisfying food. the three C's perhaps?

for now, since I am going to be here for a good while I imagine, I must focus on getting the career skills necessary to have the kind of life I want. flexibility and freedom are priceless to me. and that kind of lifestyle requires knowledge and skills in technology these days, which I fortunately love and use. I need to take advantage of that luck and learn. I wasn't built for this game but I have to play it the best I can. with enough help and perseverance I believe I can do it. I already got the luck part in some regards, it's up to me to utilize it.

inaction will be the death of me. I need a balance between the rest I need and the connection I need. because the truth is I need massive amounts of both and it's easy for me to fall into the void one way or another.

I'm lucky to have this chance and be alive. to get to travel and experience the things I have. music, culture, food, drugs, love. maybe not the exact love I've been desiring but still so much pure love over these years. enough love for me to make it to this point, you know?

I should continue doing these journals. it's been very helpful to explore what we've been talking about and get even more value out of my therapy.

trying to remember what all we talked about but I'm pretty sure that sums it up. continue to foster connections, tend to your body with both the activity and rest that it needs, nourish your body with good food, nourish your mind with new knowledge and skills (at this moment try to prioritize things in technology), nourish your soul with love, connections, and experiencing new things. I'm learning that this is the person that lies underneath the years of trauma and mental illness. I have hope that I'll like, and eventually love, this person.

1/?

I am feeling very cringe and very much struggling in an engineering university that I am in right now, and I MUST get to a better one. For that I need to do well here and do a lot of extra stuff so I am starting the academia 100 day productivity type thing where I write a debrief at the end of each day to say how I only did 20% of what I was planning again, but not 100 days and just indefinitely, 100 days would be just a nice milestone, BUT ALSO WITH A TWIST!

I AM EXTREMELY DUMB AND IRRESPONSIBLE AS OF WRITING THIS

I am studying aerospace engineering snd I am very unfancy. I have seen a lot of posts starting this sort of thing and watched tons of videos. People have plans and stuff figured out, extremely effective schedules and stuff and I have been miserably failing on thay front. People have cute tidy tables, lots of gadgets to help them focus, going to libraries and reading stuff. I.... have none of that. My table is a mess, I have practically given up on using textbooks, my monthly money allowance is negative, the most fancy piece of technology are my laptop and my phone(birthday gift :3), I don't even need them to be fancy right now, our university library is unavailable to study at, my dorm apartment is the size of a dumpster and full of cockroaches, and I share it with 2 other people.

I think you got the idea. I am tired of blogs with soft tidy and often rich (by my standards) study experience. I have no grudge against people who do them however, that would be dumb, I just want more representation of the raw dirty grind where my routine environment is a STALKER-like experience.

So anyways my goals are simple so far: survive the midterms and maybe be french sometimes. For that I start off small: 3 hours of out of class studying per day at least, not a lot but if I start big I will quickly flop and be ashamed of myself. 3 hours studying whatever I see fit for the day is enough for now. I believe that some accountability to strangers on the internet will help me have a bar below which I do not procrastinate and eventually grow into a more responsible hard working person. A bit of a cringe way to do that I feel, but as an engineer, a man of science, I must first "fuck around and find out" to judge the method. I am glad to say I already did study today but relatively inconsequential. Finished my physics homework (fingers crossed I won't have to redo it), did some lineal algebra homework, didn't finish it though, went through some notes on statics, rewrote homework for theoretical mechanics, does doing a bit of Duolingo counts as studying?

How the uni and dorm look like

Some background on me if you for some reason want to know how am I in aerospace engineering while being unresponsible and why I need to get to a better uni. I pretty much failed most of my school but at the last 2 years started getting good, not good enough to be accepted to Purdue or UIUC as I started getting ambitious too late. Failed to go to a community college because of unfortunate political decisions made by the assholes running my country. Now I am enrolled in the (supposedly) best engineering university of Russia and have to make my escape, because I really don't want to study engineering here. Living? We'll see in like 10 years, maybe I'll come back. I haven't seen people in a situation similar to mine but if you are one of them then I will be glad to serve as an inspiration.

I may be dumb and have severe problems with socialisation and organisation. But I know one thing about myself: I never give up and neither should you

LIFE'S PROGRESS

I've recently started working on improving my life. There is a lot of work to be done. To begin, you should be doing something or anything. Many people become stuck when attempting to alter their life because they don't know "where to begin" or "what to do." The easy answer is: do something—anything, actually. The motivation to do anything, let alone transform your life, does not come from some magical, mystical spot within you. Action is both the result of and the source of inspiration. You'll know if it's correct or wrong in due time if you stop procrastinating and start participating with the world.

My life has been challenging; in my 16 years of existence, I have been through a lot, but from those difficulties, I learned that I shouldn't be stuck in that circumstance; I realized that I should begin to work on improving myself. I must overcome the difficulties I have encountered. Because living in the world is full of issues and challenges, you must learn how to deal with them.

In those problems I have faced I learned to focus more on habits than on goals. The truth is that goals are overrated in and of themselves. There's nothing wrong with having goals, but obsessing over them is often counterproductive because accomplishing them isn't always as easy as it seems. Instead, I choose to concentrate on developing a system of healthy behaviors that target the most critical, high-impact aspects of my life. At that point, my objectives pretty much take care of themselves.

I also discovered who I am. I consider self-awareness to have three levels. The first level is to be conscious of what you're doing. Life stinks, and we deal with it by distracting ourselves. We relocate our brains to another time, place, or world where we can feel safe and protected from the stresses of everyday life. We look at our phones, stress about the past or our potential futures, make plans we'll never keep, or simply attempt to forget. There's nothing wrong with being distracted. We all require some type of distraction to keep us sane and happy. The key point is to be mindful of our diversions. We must ensure that we choose them rather than the other way around.

This is the first degree of self-awareness, a basic comprehension of where and when your mind wanders. You must be aware of the pathways your mind likes to follow before you can begin to examine why it takes those paths and whether those paths are helping or hurting you.

The second stage is to inquire as to how you are feeling. This is where you really begin to discover "who you are." Level 2 is an uneasy place to be. Individuals frequently spend years in treatment attempting to navigate Level 2. It takes time to feel at ease with all of your emotions. And the more you become conscious of your own feelings and impulses, the more frightening it becomes: you are full of garbage.

Level 3 is to identify your blind spots: when are you reacting to your emotions rather than behaving consciously? You're done after you've reached Level 3. You know who you are and what you should change about yourself.

Lastly, I stopped trying so hard. As illogical and unhelpful as it sounds, a curious thing happens when you strive too hard to do just about anything. Pushing too hard to make friends or meet someone who is willing to see you bare every now and then often backfires and drives them away. When you try too hard to seem cool, you can come across as needy and uncool. Attempting to be joyful often results in misery.

But there is a simple solution, and no, it does not include reducing your standards. It only needs that you look at things a bit differently than you have been. As corny as it may sound, be grateful for what you have while striving for what you want. Everything you require to be happy is almost certainly right in front of you. Begin to appreciate the little pleasures of life, such as talking with a buddy, going for a walk in nature, or going to a game with your friends.

These things may appear monotonous, but if you can't enjoy life's simple pleasures, you won't enjoy anything if and when you do transform your life.

Saturday, 11 February 2023:

Mummer XTC (Ape House) (originally released in 1983, this reissue came out in 2022)

I have been coveting this release since it came out but I enjoy claiming I don’t even like XTC despite owning everything they’ve done.  I almost bought this once on eBay from a dealer who also had the new Ape House reissue of Drums & Wires which included a single but I procrastinated so long, it sold out and now in order to get Drums & Wires with the single, you must pay a premium.  Damn!

Mummer is certainly one of my favorite XTC albums (save that closing track, dear God do I despise that) and I do like the change in the album cover.  This is an import from the UK so when I was at Exile in Champaign I didn’t expect to come across it there.  I didn’t even hesitate upon seeing the price.  That meant I had to forego the new John Cale, but he only had it on vinyl and 99% of my John Cale albums are on CD so I’ll probably end up going to Waiting Room records for that and the new King Tuff (and Tennis, if they had the new Tennis in stock which they do not). But I’m sure I will need more important things like movies (can these companies release any more enticing Blu-Rays at this moment in time, I swear I must have half a dozen coming in the mail in the next week somehow; and can the publishing world entice me any more with books I can’t pass up?  Jeez from John Wyndham to Meiko Kamakara to the Korean Charlotte’s Web, I feel like I’ll need to live to be at least 100 to read all these books I keep putting on my stack!  And I can’t read any of them because I’m once again reading a Book Club book I never wanted to read...

Mummer doesn’t have the same inner sleeve it once had, but then again, the front and back of the cover have been changed as well.  You see the new cover and back cover above.  Check out below for the original album cover and back.

Here is the new inner sleeve for the new reissue of Mummer.  I enjoy inner sleeves like this. 

I am here to say, I want all those vinyl reissues of XTC on Ape House.  My XTC albums are worn out because I’ve either played them to death or I bought them used in the late 90s, most of which came from the Rib Brothers!  Below you will see both sides of the inner sleeve from the original 1983 pressing. 

You see what they have done there.  They’ve used the inner sleeve for the front and the back of the new reissue.  Was that always the plan?  I am not a huge XTC head that I would know the answer to that.  I assume it was.  Below are both sides of the record label. 

This album is 200 grams and it feels heavy.  It’s a nice package and I do wish Exile would get more XTC reissues in stock, I’d buy all that I could.  Below are the two hype stickers that appeared on the album cover. 

Photo credit - Cesar Montano 

 WINTER IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

   By Jesse Reyes

 What a statement! People in the Midwest and the East coast, especially the Northeast, enduring the latest wintry blast, are probably saying, “You’ve got to be kidding,” or “You must be out of your mind.” Those living out West, like California, where the winters are mild and all you need to wear when you go out, is a sweater or a vest, if that, are likely happy to stay where they are. This is especially true when they watch the news on TV of how the Midwest and Northeastern US are being battered by snowstorms and frigid temperatures.

     Well, I don’t blame you, my fellow Midwesterners or those of you in the Northeast, for harboring those thoughts, especially since during the past two weeks, we’ve had a couple of heavy snowstorms and arctic blasts of subzero temperatures. Northwest Indiana, where I worked before I retired, had the heaviest snowfall of the season as it entered 2014. I’m sure glad I retired and don’t have to yet again experience those perilous journeys to work during winter.

     In suburban Chicago, where I live, we’ve had about 8-10 inches of snow already since New Year’s Eve. Today, the temperature was a couple of degrees below zero with the wind chill factor, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight, as weathermen forecast temperatures of about 20 degrees below zero with the wind chill factor early next week. 

     I really miss the snow thrower my neighbor gave me a few years ago. I gave it away last year because it was humongous and heavy to push and control. I called it “the monster” and it was also very difficult to start. I had planned to buy a smaller snow blower since now, having retired, I have all day to clean my driveway. But I procrastinated and am paying a stiff price for it. 

     The last 2 days, I shoveled the snow in installments—3-4 inches yesterday afternoon, then 4-5 inches at about noon today and 1-2 inches again at 5 pm. I did this, well aware of the “Snow Shoveler’s Syndrome” (SSS {not Social Security System…lol}—I coined this myself) or simply put, chest pain due to a heart attack following shoveling of snow.  Well, I now have the retiree’s advantage of taking my sweet time shoveling, resting every now and then to have a drink of water or Gatorade and get some relief from and prevent frostbite due to the “Siberian” temperatures and ferocious winds.  I must admit, though, that I really enjoyed shoveling the snow today, since it was very soft, powdery and was almost as “light as a feather.” But please don’t let Mother Nature know about my enjoyment lest she comes up with some nasty ideas.

     Today, because of the cold temperatures and the snowy/icy roads, we were advised on the radio and TV to stay home and drive if only extremely necessary. They reported many minor crashes on the roads, which had not yet been cleaned. Well, it was extremely necessary for me to go out and drive.  I ran out of the eye drops for my glaucoma the night before. I decided to drive to the nearest pharmacy, normally only a 10-minute drive from my home. Today I drove at a snail’s pace because of the road conditions.

     As I came out of my garage, I immediately noticed my front yard and those of my neighbors’ blanketed by a thick layer of snow. The shrubs in front of my house lining our walkway, almost totally covered with snow, appeared like bunches of broccoli covered on their tops by melting cream or like cauliflower heads (why do I always think of vegetables?  The answer: Probably because of their high antioxidant content…lol). The upper surfaces of the leafless trunks and branches of the trees were now lined with snow, some of them seeming to be partially wrapped with white ribbons or crepe paper. This picture reminded me of my youth in the Philippines when we would cut down a trunk of a tree that had many branches and wrap them with white crepe paper and white ribbons and we would place cotton balls on the branch tips, to create a white Christmas tree. The spruce or fir tree of a neighbor across the street, looked like it was filled with multiple snow-laden cottony bulbs or small doll heads or even multiple hands wearing white boxing gloves, raised up in the air. The leafless branches of many trees in my neighborhood reminded me of my radiology days when I would interpret images of the inverted “tracheo-bronchial tree”, it’s branches extending into a patient’s pair of lungs.

     As I drove ever so slowly to the pharmacy, I passed a cemetery (also known as a graveyard…lol) next to a white church, the tombstones buried halfway in the snow. An expansive white snowy blanket covered the golf course nearby, its rather flat contour interrupted by undulating mounds of the greens--where small flags stuck out and flapped briskly in the wind--and small hills. There were also several scattered leafless trees. A small bridge arched gently over a rivulet, only partly covered by the snow. Just before reaching the pharmacy, I looked straight ahead to a far distance from the street. The silhouette of Sears Tower (now called Willis Tower), usually well seen on a clear day, was enshrouded by fog. 

     I then drove to the drive through window of the pharmacy to get my medicine, and quickly drove away. On the way back I saw the many cars parked near a nursing home, all covered with snow. When I was inside our subdivision, I took many pictures of the beautiful snow-laden trees, stopping and getting out of my car several times to study which vantage point would be best for a certain scene, oblivious of the frigid temperatures until my fingers and ears became numb.  There were a couple of large shrubs in front of a contemporary house that had the appearance of giant greenish-white mushrooms. 

     I then drove around the neighborhood, and was further amazed by Old Man Winter’s “show”. The street where I had taken a lot of pictures capturing the beauty of the autumn leaves about 4 or 5 weeks before (see my write-up in my wall—“The beautiful autumn leaves”) was starkly different now. Most of the trees were now leafless and snow had collected on the upper surfaces of the trunks and branches of the trees. The man-made lake nearby was now frozen. The evergreen conifers—mainly spruce, firs and arborvitae, their snow-laden branches and leaves bending slightly due to the weight of the snow, now “stole” the limelight. An array of medium-sized pine trees lining a street looked like outdoor Christmas trees, reminiscent of a white Christmas. They seemingly forgot that this was already the second day of the New Year. How I wish I had planted some conifers next to my house for they look quite elegant when “dressed” by the white, powdery snow.

     I was glad to have gotten out of the house today despite the frigid temperatures. It was a pleasurable experience to behold the beautiful and wonderful scenes of nature made by our Creator; it was like a famous painter depicting on his canvas the magnificent splendor of winter. I was able to capture some of these scenes with my iphone, so others, who may not have had the same privilege I had, may catch a glimpse of the winter wonderland I saw and enjoyed. Again, I say, winter is so beautiful! Our almighty God made it so.

                                                                                       Written on 1/2/14 in Chicago, IL.