I’m not so single-minded about shipping Jancy that I don’t enjoy writing about them with other people, but I do feel compelled to make it make sense why they aren’t together. I don’t know who remembers How I Met Your Mother, but it’s similar to how Marshall has to include an elaborate backstory about Lily dying some time ago in any sexual fantasy about another woman.

tinker has always given me trans vibes too, but you are SO right about the nd vibes.

nonsie I would absolutely love to talk about this more thank you for giving me the opportunity

I can’t speak to other’s interpretations, but she gives me agender/literally couldn’t care less gender vibes, which is technically under the umbrella of trans. There may be binary trans vibes, but as I am not that I couldn’t tell you what to look for. To me Tinker seems like she’d ignore her gender and just view her body as a machine/think about it in terms of how it works. Don’t need a gender if your body is just completing a task.

As for the neurodivergent vibes, I just think she’s super autistic-coded. Like I look at her and go oh you’re autistic except from an outsiders perspective.

Most obvious trait: speaking in questions. Tell me, what part of “she just communicates a little different” (paraphrased) doesn’t scream autistic? /rh. The clock tower that looks like a clock tower but functions differently and you won’t understand without asking what the symbols mean/effort? Symbolic representation of autistic Tinker. You have to teach other people how to understand you when your brain works different, and then they can make the effort to interpret your signals based on the information you’ve given them. Like the clock tower!

Another one: her outburst/trembling at the mention of explosives. Something that seems minor but she starts yelling/being more assertive. Hello? Can’t regulate emotions and it comes out physically? She was reminded of something traumatic and started experiencing negative emotions, so she lost control of her volume and her body language was “dramatic” and she seemed angry. Autistic! She wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum or anything, she was expressing herself which can often be mixed up, especially from an outside perspective like Sophie.

Another one: a fondness for things others don’t appreciate. Like Sprocket, her gremlin. Dex asks why she keeps something so destructive around, and she appears to care for it—although she’s not affectionate with him the same way Sophie is with Iggy, it’s more of something you just recognize and can pick up on if you know how a brain like that works. Empathy and sympathy for real people can be difficult, but it can come more easily with animals and inanimate objects, perhaps like her assortment of mechanical creatures! (I would love some mechanical creatures to care for, sympathizing with real people is so much conscious effort :/)

Another one: she doesn’t socialize with people. Wraith is the only one who knows her identity, and I highly doubt she engages with literally anyone in the elven world. It’s so much easier and less stressful to have very few meaningful relationships, and neurotypicals seem to have a much broader idea of friendship than neurodivergents, which can make them hard to maintain. I bet if I hadn’t formed a meaningful friendship before I started unmasking I wouldn’t have any; interaction with others is just not worth it. And that seems to be Tinker’s mindset too. She has her method, her ways, she doesn’t need anyone or anything to add to it.

I could literally keep going I still have talking points but—

TL;DR: Tinker is autistic. Every way she’s written is like how nts view autistic people as quirky or out of place, but if you know what to look for you can understand her so clearly.

disclaimer: not every autistic person is the same. These traits are not what make someone autistic, but they can be common/relatable experiences. If you think you’re autistic, great! I bet it might explain a lot of things from your childhood/life that always felt out of place. There are plenty of resources online to use for research! This just isn’t one of them <3 ( this is all positive and non judgmental, don’t worry)

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

A (brief) review of every Donald Sutherland movie (so far)

I’m not coping well with quarantine at all and no one else seems to be either (which makes me feel a bit better) So what started out of boredom back over christmas break has turned into a quest to find and watch every Donald Sutherland movie ever. Probably not my best idea since a lot of them are very old and hard to find and would need to be bought online (which isn't an option right now.) Don’t ask me why, this kinda just happened and I’m not gonna fight it. So stick around for an unprofessional review of a very professional actor’s long film career. 

(if anyone has any suggestions or knows where to find more hmu) 

M*A*S*H*

Ah talk about a movie that didn’t age well (but neither did Holiday Inn and we still watch that) I’m not here to bash on it for being problematic because apart from the way they treated Houlihan, I genuinely loved this movie. It had be rolling the whole time just like the show and I still catch myself whistling like Hawkeye all the time. Probably still like the show better and Alan Alda’s Hawkeye (sorry Donald) but its definitely been a go to when I’m having a rough day.

Kelly’s Heroes

I think this was the first movie of his I ever saw as a little girl and I remember being very confused. (since it didn’t match my dad’s military stories at all) so this ended up being the first one I went out of my way to hunt down and watch and sorry to Clint Eastwood but Donald stole this movie from literally everyone. He’s hilarious, he’s sexy, he steals the show and it’s definitely one of his more underrated movies (the movie itself is a bit long) which is a damn shame since he (literally) died filming this one. (if you don’t know the story, look it up its wild)

Alex in Wonderland 

Wow, who knew he could be such a convincing asshole! At least he becomes aware of it by the end of the film but I just felt so lost by the end. Like ,what did I watch, what happens now? Not one of my favorites but definitely interesting and a sure product of the early 70s. Overall, he does have a lot of good scene (a scene with THE Federico Fellini) that are sometimes light-hearted, dumb, cute, irritating, and just...what? The relationship between him, his wife, and children is probably the only redeeming factor since its pretty accurate for how his actions strain his relationships. I am gonna be honest though, I only watched this one to see him as a long haired hippie 😂 (sorry). 

Klute

Leave it to Jane Fonda to remind me why I’m bisexual (I wish she wasn’t always a prostitute) Although there was a lot more of her and a lot less of him, even though he is John Klute. I am an absolute sucker for those old black and white noir movies and this is no different. It leaves some feelings to be desired at times (Donald apparently felt the same way) but you can really tell there’s a fascinating chemistry between him and Jane (because there actually was) Overall the story was entertaining but the character’s themselves seemed somewhat drab. I wish we got to know more about them and had more scenes with more emotion apart from just the sex and love scenes. Oh well, it was still a pretty damn good movie and I’d definitely watch it again if I got the chance.

Lady Ice

Basically Magnum before Magnum was even a thing. Now just because a movie is bad doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining. I love the whole Miami Vice vibe I get from this and again, huge fan of private investigators, detectives and dirty schemes. His acting might not be exemplary but I don’t even care. The movie is fun and not every movie has to be deep and meaningful. Nothing wrong with just watching a movie for the hell of it. And that moustache, it’s my kryptonite. 😆

Don’t Look Now

If you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading my bs and go watch it right now. (its free on crackle) This is such a good movie I could make a whole post on it alone. Donald and Julie Christie (I’m still not over her either) put so much into every scene, giving us such a beautiful relationship that’s been fraught with tragedy. Every scene is beautiful and eerie and enchanting Iloveitsomuch!!! I don’t wanna spoil too much because the ending turns everything on its head. I’m not sure if this is meant to be a horror movie but it really walks that uncanny valley with the whole setting of Venice in it’s off season, the dark corridors, creepy premonitions. I will spoil this, I love how for once, the man is the psychic instead of the woman, which is a trope that waaaaaay over done. AND THE SCANDAL! Okay sex scenes in movie isn't exactly scandalous but this one was surprisingly realistic (no they didn’t actually have sex) so everyone in the 70s pitched a hissy fit over it and I can’t understand why. It’s by far the most realistic and beautiful sex scene I’ve ever watch, hats off to Donald and Julie. God Bless Nicholas Roeg for this masterpiece, aaaaahhh just go watch it its so good!

Fellini’s Casanova 

Alright but bear with me on this. I think I had a religious experience while watching this movie. I was overly exhausted and had my eye on it for a while said ‘fuck it let’s watch something weird.’ This what actually started by quarantine marathon (how appropriate) and I can safely say, I think this is the most beautiful, most grotesque, most enchantingly beautiful and yet dark and bizarre movies I’ve ever seen. Donald makes such a convincing 18t century venetian lover and they really went all out with his appearance, acting and the scenery of the whole movie. Everyone in the film seems to genuinely enjoyed everything they’re doing (which says a lot they do some crazy shit in this one) and the whole time, everything is erriley whimsical, almost like a fever dream (which is what this film might have been I dunno). And the fact it spans the entirety of Casanova’s life, from his highest point to his absolute lowest decent into squalor just proves that Fellini holds nothing back AT ALL. Again, no spoilers (I don’t really think I can spoil this film) but there’s just copious amounts of sex and its just plain strange but if you find it in your heart to give it a try, please do. If you’re not sure about it that’s fine definitely not for everyone. However I highly recommend Fellini’s other works. (go watch La Strada)  

Invasion of the Bodysnatchers 

Hahaha oh man I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this movie. My friends and I in college had a horror movie night and this one seriously freaked out my roommate (i’m so sorry). I love me some sci-fi (I run a star trek blog) and this not only gave me lots of Donald but also Leonard Nimoy, (along with a very young Jeff Goldblum) so yes, this is now one of my favorite sci-fi movies (I did a film analysis on it too). I don’t recommend watching it in quarantine unless you’re into freaking yourself about a global pandemic. I will say, this movie is an anomaly  since I think it might be the only movie that is not only better than its remake, but also better than the book (which I also read) This one gives us Donald (and his moustache) playing of all things, a health inspector (I’m dying) whos put into some creepy scenarios of apocalyptic proportions. This is one of those horror movies that’s fun without being funny. It’s got plenty of drama and awkwardness between to characters while also reaching it’s cult classic status. All the actors in this film manage to give such a convincing performance that you can’t help but feel like you’re right there with the characters, which makes for a fun and terrifying ride. 10/10 would scare my roommate again.

The Great Train Robbery

Donald Sutherland AND Sean Connery? Sounds like a great pair right? Well they are, sort of. Okay this movie looks like a typical british drama, buuuuut I’m not so sure about this one. Donald is pretty great in this one and so is Sean, but I’m just very confused if it’s trying to be serious or funny? The plot itself makes sense and its pretty good but the execution is just...what? Oh well, Donald and Sean make an entertaining pair with their odd “train heist” I felt this movie would have done much better if it went for either one side or the other instead of jumping all over the place, and it played out much more like a soap opera. It’s not bad though but its not a favorite of mine. 

Bear Island

Okay I’ve been pretty nice so far, but this...the only real redeeming part of this movie is Donald and his beard. Which is such a shame because I feel like this could have been SUCH a good movie. The story itself is really good and enthralling but somebody somewhere dropped the ball. No, they didn’t drop it. They threw it off a cliff. Nothing about this movie makes sense, most everyone’s acting is subpar, and I don’t blame them because the script was probably the main offender of this film. Even Donald’s acting is uncharacteristically bad. I know shoot me, criticized his acting.  It’s just so strange to see what could have easily been a fantastic film. Someone send this to Philip Kaufman and ask for a remake because this one needs it. 

Ordinary People

Oh God, this movie. This movie means so much to me. Again, watched it with my roommate, we sobbed like children and its now a must see in our group. The fact that Donald wasn’t even nominated for an oscar for this film is a travesty. A story like this is something that in a way I’ve lived myself. Everyone’s acting in this film is superb and as someone who would know, yes, all of this is very really and very heart wrenching to watch. I don’t mean to get sappy or anything, but I have been Calvin Jarrett, I (and I’m sure others) have been that mediator who eventually is broken by the two fighting forces. Watching his eventual collapse is so surreal and wow this movie really broke me in some spots. Uhg god this movie, I wanna cry just thinking about it. I’d totally watch it but I’ll just spend the whole time wanting to hug him. 

Eye of the Needle 

If any of you know me personally, you’ll know I’m absolutely terrified of needles, so this might not have been the best movie for me to watch, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This whole movie is actually pretty fantastic. For once, Donald plays a bad guy, but you can almost root for him (if he wasn’t a nazi) I felt so conflicted because while yes I wanted him to take her away from her horrible husband, hes a damn dirty Nazi, and we don’t stan. Of course, Donald’s character is extremely charming but I’m left wondering if his character really did have feelings for Kate Nelligan. I have a feeling that I could really run with this story. This one is a thrilling story with a thick plot that tears its characters apart. I can’t help but love it.

Crackers

Fight me, I thought it was funny. Not really but this is one of those “entertaining but not really good” movies. Donald’s character is...well, he reminds me a lot of most of my exes. He’s just down on his luck, he’s not a bad guy. Yeah that sums up how I feel about his character. However, the movie overall is pretty damn funny. At least it knows it’s a comedy and it even has a sweet(ish) ending. I will say its not great, but there is a good scene with Donald falling flat on his ass which was so worth the whole rest of the movie. This one is still on my quarantine go to for when I just wanna forget about life for a while. 

Rosary Murders

So this little gem I kinda just watched on a whim thinking it would be some campy horror movie that was very pro-catholic and woooweee was I wrong. I loved this movie so much I ended up watching it twice, two nights in a row. It really was a thrilling movie with a plot thicker than pea soup, all while throwing some (slight) shade at the catholic church. This movie goes less for the horror side of things and more for the shock and drama and it does it well. Not to mention he makes one hell of a cute priest. I loved the hell out of this one and I’m glad i decided on this one the other night. I might even watch it again who knows. 

Pride and Prejudice

Everyone in this movie is neurotic as hell except for Donald Sutherland and Keira Knightly. Sorry I was never a huge Jane Austen fan but I admire her ability to write hell of a good slow burn and that exactly what this is. Hell most of you know what this movie is about so I’m not gonna talk about it too much. Its one of those movies everyone else seems to have seen and I haven’t so mom and I sat down and watched it together. She just laughed as I sat there yelling at the TV, waiting for an exasperated Donald to come on. His final scene though, so sweet. I did like how the movie showed a father daughter relationship that wasn’t toxic (not like the last one) but I was kinda over the whole song and dance after a while. I’m sure most people think its a really good movie but I just don’t get it. 

The Hunger Games (All of them) 

As I understand it, this movie actually means a lot to Donald, as it does to a lot of people, and that he really enjoyed working with Jennifer Lawrence, so that’s nice. Yes I’ve seen all three (four) movies, read all the books and I couldn’t think of anyone else to better play Katniss Everdeen’s antithesis than someone like Donald. I feel like this is one of those roles that was just made for him. He was such a scary and venomous villain that played so well off of the main protagonist. Uhg I really do love the Hunger Games Series, it was a huge part of my childhood, I just hate how the fans destroy people who love the main villain, like many fandoms do (looking at you star trek). I wish I could just enjoy these movies in peace without everyone being so polarized on them. 

Oh wow there’s definitely gonna be a part two but as of now, this is all I got. I’ve got a long way to go and (with the way things are looking here in the U.S.) I’ve got plenty of time to do so. I really do enjoy doing these kinds of things so if you want me to watch and ramble about any other movies (no, it doesn’t have to have Donald Sutherland) I’m gonna be in quarantine for a while, so let’s at least do something fun to pass the time. 😊

WILD ARMS 2 - Millennium Puzzle

No, not the one from Yu-gi-oh.

This is a great little set piece for the game overall.  It introduces both a device and a plot point very early, both of which get brought back up much later in the game.  The story itself is a little odd, we aren’t told here what Lilka’s actually doing or where she is, other than she is trying to operate this magical contraption/facility with her sister’s instruction.  The dungeon is aesthetically fun and memorable, made up of ornately patterned blocks over a colorful nebulous kind of magical aether.  The dungeon and name would actually go on to inspire the much more elaborate Millennium Puzzle side quest in Wild Arms 3, with matching aesthetic.

We start with a real weird one: The Gohm are these humanoid cockroach looking enemies that make up most of the random encounters.  The frustrating part is that there’s really nothing to go off of as far as a source or inspiration.  The only related content I could find is a monster-of-the-week from the super sentai series, Dengeki Sentai Changeman, and a character from the manga  Konjiki no Gasshu!! (aka Zatch Bell!):

The Go-mu monster in Changeman doesn’t really bare any resemblance but the kana,  ゴーム , are exactly the same, and it does have an electric shock attack.  Gorm/Goomu, from Zatch Bell, is also a humanoid bug but doesn’t seem to share any more specific features like the electric attack or direct ties to magic that might place it in this magic puzzle environment.

Beyond that, the katakana ゴーム romanizes a number of ways: Gomu, Gohm, Gorm, Gome, Gomm, Gomme, etc... none of which really lead anywhere in the search.  Gorm most notably is the name of Gorm the Old, and Gorm Prince of Denmark, both of which are written in kana as  ゴーム, yet neither of whom appear to have anything to do with bugs, magic or electricity/lightning.

So... yeah...  Seriously, I have zero idea what the hell this thing is...

This one’s more concrete and despite the innocuous name, actually a really clever way to come up with a fairly original monster.  (The Blue Book also appeared in the original Wild Arms, also in the crest sorceress character’s prologue dungeon, the Sealed Library.)  The Blue Book enemy is, as its name suggests, a kind of compilation of magic information, in this case having access to most of the basic elemental attack spells.

And a clever little detail is that because the Blue Book is weak to fire (duh, it’s a book) the Flame spell is the one elemental attack it can’t use.

Over the course of the franchise there have been other book enemies as well, including the Necromicon[sic], Targum, and Adult Mag/Dirty Mag.  The Necronomicon is of course the famous pop culture icon of Lovecraftian lore, a detailed grimoire of old gods and summoning rituals written by one Abdul Alhazred.  As a fun related note, the first Wild Arms game features a major antagonist named Alhazad which is actually an error in reversing the transliteration from Alhazred to アルハザード(a-ru-ha-zaa-do).

Another fun obscure factoid, is that the Targum enemy is named after the early Aramaic translations of Jewish scripture from Hebrew.  Although the first Wild Arms game transliterated タルギュム(ta-ru-gyu-mu) as Talgium.

The Bogey is based on such a broad and archaic term, there wasn’t really a good visual to use for this: There both wasn’t any good quintessential bogey to really represent the concept, and of the various differing ones out there none were really any kind of inspiration for Wild Arms 2′s interpretation.  The bogey is of course the origin of the term Bogeyman (aka Boogeyman/Boogieman/Bogieman, etc...) and the two ideas are functionally the same.  Apart from being vaguely ghostly and/or jellyfish-like, I don’t really get “evil spirit” vibes from this design, though...

It also just has a normal attack and Drift, which wastes a turn, so those don’t lend any flavor to it either.  The one thing of any real relevance is that the Millennium Puzzle is later revealed to be a gate to the afterlife, from which Lilka tries and fails to pull her late sister back through, and later, fellow protagonist, Ashley Winchester; so, spirits and/or ghosts aren’t entirely out of place here, but once we take that into consideration the Blue Books start to make less sense.  And again, Gohm remains an enigma in and of itself.

So all in all the dungeon’s inhabitants aren’t super unified, apart from the very loose thread between the Bogey being a ghost, and the Blue Book being a grimoire making for a vague occult/supernatural motif.  Really I don’t know what to make of most of this...  It’s not quite “nonsense” as far as dungeon ecology goes, but it’s not as neatly coherent as the Withering Ruins or even  Green Hell from the other two prologues.

And then the boss of Lilka’s prologue chapter, which I wasn’t even going to mention at first, doesn’t actually appear in the dungeon itself.  The dungeon is part of a flashback to events that led to Lilka’s arrival in a small town where the boss monster attacks.  And honestly, even if I were to look for some thematic ties between everything here, I don’t think I could squeeze anything meaningful out of it.

Like... the boss monster is just named Olivier??  That isn’t just not-a-monster, that’s not even a thing.  It’s just a person’s name...  I don’t think there’s anything it could’ve been mis-transliterated from either, then kana is pretty straight forward: オリヴィエル(o-ri-vi-e-ru).  Oliviel?  Oriviel?  Orivier? don’t really make any more or less sense than Olivier does. (both Gorm and Olivier are Dutch names though...)

The one thing I’ve found is that the kana frequently come up in some fairly low budget Japanese games (and all more recent than Wild Arms 2) as the name of angelic figures, all women, and with epithets like “SwordSong Master,” “Fallen Angel,” “Dark Angel,” etc... which would suggest that the name ends in -iel and draws from some biblical source.  But that just points me to the archangel Orifiel/Oriphiel, which is remarkably close phonetically, but that ヴィ can really ONLY be read as a “vi.”  And even then, it’s a wild tangent, because there is absolutely nothing about the monster Olivier that suggests “angel,” fallen or otherwise, and the angel in question doesn’t associate with anything relating to the monster anyway...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man.

Am I emotionally unavailable??? Is it unnatural to not be trusting of someone idk- 

I feel like I just. I can’t trust people easily. I don’t know, I’m always crazy on-edge when someone compliments me, except if they’re a good friend. I think especially if it’s a guy, I feel hyper-aware of just. I don’t know, apPPROACHING INTIMACY in a weird sense that I’m not accustomed to. I’m so nervous, I’m afraid of it being just sweet talking/ lies/ manipulation. Am I paranoid? for being so afraid of men? A literally has done nothing for me to assume that he means anything but good intentions.... But I’m afraid nontheless. Is what he says legit? Words are easier than actions, so... ? I wonder what the truth is, what he’s really like. I’m afraid, really afraid. And yeah, I’m fairly independent, but it’s because being dependent on someone looks like a whole dumpster fire of hell. If I’m only dependent on myself and what I do, then I never have to worry about actions and behaviors that I can’t predict (especially ones that could really hurt me). Am I jumping to conclusions? Is this something SUPER casual that I’m misconstruing as meaning something deeper/ is meant for something deeper? I am greatly afeared. I don’t honestly, deep down, believe that A is out to hurt me. Or if he does, I’ll be so shook I’ll literally probably never date a guy ever again tbh. I don’t sense bad vibes from him, not really. Maybe there are things that I might worry mean something.... bad? But I don’t think that they will turn into anything truly bad (i.e. not asking Q’s = not caring about me/ not wanting to know about me). How do I know what’s real and what’s not? I don’t feel like I know him at all, and I don’t know if he knows me... REALLY at all. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but I think it’s kinda superficial as of now. But be that as it may, I think if it’s a relationship that isn’t going to be superficial, more conversations et al. should happen. I’ve literally never felt more trepidation in my entire life. Jeez.

Maybe I’m also suspicious of anyone who’s kind to me in general... Afraid that the words that they say are just them being polite and/or wanting something from me in general. I think the one thing I’m afraid of more than anything is someone betraying my trust. I’m deeply afraid of that more than anything (at least emotionally). Being betrayed is painful enough to drive me to fury and storms. I don’t want to become like that, nor do I want to be deeply hurt in that way either. Where does this come from...? Maybe last summer. I think D and J together in one summer really hurt me, especially in the long run. K was kind and sweet, but at least she wasn’t sort of. Playing with me. Realizing that later on (about D and J) hurt me so much. I still think they’re cool and good people, and I’ve had interesting conversations with them. But being treated like a convenient, 2nd option romantically was a trash feeling. I hated that, and I agonized over it for a long while. I’m proud of myself for ending both of those weird times since I WAS flattered, and I WAS infatuated with them (more J than D; I think I really, truly liked D, but again idk if it was because of 100% inavailability. Or being seen. Idk). But it hurt so much to do the right thing, even though in retrospect. That was the only thing I could have done, and I knew that that was the only thing I SHOULD have done. But that’s why now, guys who flirt with me are a massive *eye of sauron shit*. It’s not A’s fault (or that of any guy in the future) because they’re not liable for the action of two other people. But it doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget that ever happened and not be on literal high-alert when guys especially are being nice towards me. Oh, and I guess the J from high school. Although tbh I don’t even think it was being emotionally nice from him, it was like. Being dependent. I don’t know, that’s a hot mess that I am DEFINITELY not opening up any time soon. 

Either way... Trust with guys? Kind of a pit of vipers to be honest. The only really meaningful friendships I’ve had with guys are with those who are gay (I.e. J from lab and K from Jewett). I feel like. Maybe it’s impossible to be friends with any guys who are straight/ could have some romantic feelings towards women. Which is unfortunate af. But that’s not something I’m looking into right now, since obviously A sees me from a romantic standpoint. 

And while I’m nervous, I shouldn’t also just. Blow him off (why, mind, don’t-) or whatever he is asking for either. Since especially so far he’s been really nice and caring, and honestly, maybe I’m just being crazy picky? Or just. Literally making roadblocks and extra hoops for 0 reasons (that are legitimate)? I feel like I’m so afraid, but maybe I’m not even the one who’s more attached at this point. But also idk, is A lonely and that’s why he wants to be around me? Or am I just overthinking it, I mean, everyone’s kinda lonely, I’d be lonely without Kryssy and QB and my friends. I know it’s harder after college too, and esp if your job is mostly working with other people,,,, it must be difficult? 

Anyway... It’s really only been a week. I don’t know this guy, and he doesn’t really know me that well. Maybe we can at least be friends first (idk, some people might be like NO, FRIENDZONES??? but). I don’t want to date someone who I couldn’t be authentic or a friend with. I wonder if this would actually turn this into a friendship... But seriously, I have trouble sifting between friends and romantic partners in terms of how strongly one feels anyway. Romantic partners just seem like close friends + physical affection. In my eyes? So. But maybe this is also something I can talk about with A...

Finally... Do I have a fear of commitment? Yeah. I definitely do. I’m afraid of being hurt in a relationship and I’m afraid that after I commit to someone, they’ll leave. Or abandon me. Or really wreck me emotionally. Which really sucks!! But also this is par for course in terms of knowing anyone. Even random mean (or just confusing) youtube comments, knowing and seeing anyone means a risk of being hurt. I think I just need to remember that I am my own person and he is his own person, and it would be nice to share some experiences together, but if it doesn’t work out, then there’s nothing wrong (with at least me) emotionally sometimes. And even with D and J, they weren’t trying to hurt me intentionally. I’m sure of that. I think they were just unaware of how the things that they thought were innocuous really hurt me deeply (especially because I had some romantic feelings towards them). And I have a really strong group of friends who I know will always support me and be there for me. I’m sure if I ask them for advice, they can tell it to me straight and give me good feedback even when I can’t see what I should do. 

So in total: I will validate that I am afraid, more than I have been in a long, long time. Like truly afraid. But, I think this fear stems from experiences I’ve had in the past and the way I’ve rationalized other people’s emotions without letting them go. I think I’ve held onto the pain from then to the point where I’ve become adverse to anything even distantly related to that pain, and it keeps me from finding other ways to be happy, such as through romantic love. I know I’m afraid, and it’s not like this has no risk. Maybe A really is a jerk after all or something, maybe this will fizzle out in February when school starts, maybe he’ll find someone more interesting and emotionally available and great next week, who knows. But despite the risks and the hardships that can happen in the future, I think I’m. I can handle a romantic relationship. Carefully and probably painfully slowly. But I think I can do it, and learn and feel a different way of being. So I’m thankfully for somehow seeing A and for A somehow seeing me (via the Mahagonny sheet music I-). I should give him a chance, and give this relationship a chance instead of clamming up immediately. 

Star Trek Discovery: ep 2

Okay, I absolutely adored the premiere, which I liveblogged Sunday night. But I’ve been feeling rotten and groggy and didn’t watch episode 2 until tonight. 

I’m kind of glad I waited.

I’m transcribing remarks I made to a friend in a private chatroom while watching, and then I’ve added some thoughts afterwards.

SPOILERS.

Ep 2.

Raw remarks transcribed from private chat while watching (slightly edited)

So, our cliffhanger ended with Michael committing mutiny trying to save them, her captain betrayed and pointing a gun at her, and a whole Klingon fleet warping in like several buckets of shit flying towards a fan.

I’m still trying to get used to Sarek being nicer to a human trying to Vulcan than he was to a son whom he practically disowned for leaving Vulcan to join Starfleet. But I love Sarek so will try to muffle the "buts." I want Amanda to show up.

Parting word to Michael: "Behave." On the bright side, seems like it took her seven years before she LOL NOPED.

I hope the Klingon fans are happy. This is a very ponderous language to listen to when it's whole scenes of dialog and not just quick commands or insults. But I know there's a whole branch of fans who embrace Klingon culture and language, and I hope they're as thrilled as I was to hear Sindarin Elvish spoken.  (And that they're not too perturbed that the Klingon look has mutated again.)

Oh SHIT. I know the Captain was trying to defuse situation with diplomacy, but did they not have their shields up? Or was this just an old ship and/or Klingons managed to puncture shields. Ouch ouch ouch.

Wow, Michael is not having a good day. Waking up in remains of brig with failing containment fields around her — whole sequence is impressive and sad.

I like the way they're employing FX in service to story. It's hard not to let CGI overwhelm. But here, no matter how spectacular FX are, they're functional, rather than an end to themselves: like incidental music the Big FX moments help set mood/tone and give audience catch breath to process what just happened. As opposed to only using FX to foster one mood, maximum adrenaline, and keep audience off-balance so they have no time to catch breath and reflect on situation.

Intense telepathic scene with Sarek. Man he really likes this kid. He is one crazy ass Vulcan, even if he won't admit it: sharing a katra with a near stranger, especially a human child, is pretty drastic. (Also I'm confused: thought he adopted her after parents died in attack, but it looks like Michael was already his ward during attack?

ARGH.

Sarek: "I did not come here to judge your actions. I came here to—"

*Pumpkin, who likes to snooze on desk next to keyboard and occasionally use it as pillow at inconvenient moments, carefully and deliberately stretches out paw and plants it over ESC key, backing up browser window to several URLs ago, losing livestream.*

Cats. Such exquisite timing.

Back online.

Okay yes [STC sounded slightly noncommittal when I was enthusing about restraint of FX] now they're getting a little show-offy. But yikes. First time I've ever seen a space battle using classical Greek naval warfare maneuver. Trireme beak-ram!

...although it could be coincidence, and I'm reading it that way because of my classical studies background. They might've come up with that unusual and dramatic visual independently. At any rate, impressive.

OOOOO. Just hit scene where Captain, out of options, sees Klingons beaming up their dead, and she sees option.  I've been kind of waiting for her to be proactive instead of reactive. Earlier her hands were tied by trying to avoid conflict (following orders).

...DAMMIT. Just Googled to find out spelling of Phillipa's last name and saw the kind of spoiler I really hate to see. Stupid, stupid me.  I really honestly didn't know, since I had been so strenuously avoiding behind-the-scenes stuff. 

—

[At this point I stopped babbling in the chatroom to watch final scenes, so rest is post-watch thoughts.]

At least we have one great sequence between Burnham and Captain Georgiou, although the lull to confront one another and devise a strategy was a little forced— Klingons being very polite about not finishing them off. And YES, YES YES, finally seeing Michelle Yeoh fighting, which believe it or not I never have. (I don't watch many films or really much media.) 

:( Ouch. So close. Just a second or two longer.

So that's that. Man, that's gotta be a record even for Trek; can't even get through two eps without ship's destruction and crew evacuation. (Mom and I used to get annoyed at destroying Enterprise for shock value; first time was so dramatic and meaningful, whereas repeat felt gimmicky.) 

Not sure Michael's Expository Speech is did her any favors at this trial, but at least now we hear what she thinks.

Teaser for next episode (or "real" Discovery show) follows. Kinda confusing that they're convicts but on a Federation ship? Or did she get transferred from prison?

I am still mourning the captain and really not in the mood to parse the trailer. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. I was wary of this show, but after watching Ep 1 I let my guard down and was SO EXCITED.

I had seen one article about this series last spring showing what looked like a predominantly white-dude bridge with generic-looking white male captain and a few tokens, just like TOS. That had dampened my enthusiasm for this show and prevented me from getting into it or looking forward to it.

But recently I saw posts saying, "Yo, WOC captain and first officer!" (or rather, in Tumblr's usual WE MUST MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT SUPPORTING THIS THING YOU WEREN’T AWARE OF, SHAME ON YOU!!! way, there was a post berating Tumblr for lack of photosets and buzz and excitement over Michelle Yeoh and Sonequa Martin-Green, and why weren't we getting behind WOCs when we'd been all excited for Gal Gadot?) And I thought, Wait—what?! I thought this was going to be generic white dude captain with token black female first officer which is okay but not ANYTHING LIKE as cool as what you're saying?

And since I do try to avoid spoilers and PR I didn't know Yeoh wasn't going to be the regular series captain. Or rather, I was confused why the hype I was seeing now differed so drastically from that one article I’d started to skim and then closed thinking, “Nah, I’m going to avoid spoilers.” Had the showrunners changed their minds and decided to bring in Michelle Yeoh as an upgrade after seeing their version of Captain Pike wasn’t good enough to anchor a series?I was just going to wait and see.

I forgot any doubts when Episode 1 gave me EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED: Two great female characters with a friendship and professional working relationship. Banter. Excellence. Skills and wits. Clunky TOS tech and new shiny bridge set. Smart captain. Brave first officer. With two WOC they couldn't be tokens; they had to be expanded as just... 3 dimensional characters.

I was so here for that. I loved that whole opening minisode, and also the Captain sending Michael off to play in a brief voyage of discovery and enjoying that her first officer was enjoying herself.

Their friendship was perfect, legendary Kirk and Spock material. It was distracting me from the other bridge crew— even Saru, who is an interesting character, but I was focused so much on these two women— but I figured other characters would get filled out in subsequent episodes.

And now?

"Here. Here's what you really wanted. Two women being superbly competent officers with a meaningful friendship, leading a show just the way Kirk and Spock did. And it's going to be about discovery and an older woman mentoring another one, and tackling difficult ethical problems without providing easy answers and— PSYCHE! 

“...FOOLED YOU! Two leading women in a Kirk-Spock dynamic? Oh, we could never do that. So we're killing off your already-favorite character. As consolation prize, here, have an incarcerated and demoralized WOC who has to be 'grateful' to a white dude for letting her out of jail. Power imbalance between her and captain, no close friendship, and oh yeah, instead of voyage-of-discovery and complicated-ethical-problems Star Trek, it's going to be various people being macho and angry, and a depressing Federation-Klingon War."

 I hope I'm wrong.

It feels like they gave me everything I'd hoped for and more, and then, once I'd let my guard down, they took it away. I'm left with a character and actor (Sonequa Martin-Green) I like enough that I'm going to watch anyway...for now. But I'm back to being wary. And here we have yet another WOC/minority being killed to make way for generic white dude. So now I'm disillusioned and won’t trust this show, and we're only at the end of ep 2.

Okay, yeah, I'm pissed. 

Discovery could redeem itself and turn out to be fantastic. There is a lot of potential here and a lot to like. Saru and Burnham are good characters, and I assume some of the others will be too. But they're going to have to pull off a miracle now to keep me from fantasizing about the better show that COULD HAVE BEEN.

ETA: so maybe I should have read the behind-the-scenes stuff beforehand so I’d be prepared for this premiere to be backstory, in effect. I guess everyone else knew her death was coming, and could appreciate the drama while anticipating this would be a tragedy. Either I’m naive, or too groggy/tired to pick up the Obi-Wan vibes.

KCON LA 2017 fanaccount!!

part 1: Seventeen-teen-teen (I got to hi-touch them!!!) and a bit of VIXX~ 

Oh my goddd it's past 2 am as I'm writing this and I'm really worn out + still going to the convention tomorrow (Astroooo) but I wanna write this up before I go to sleep and forget 😂😂😂

First a bit about day 1, my early morning flight got delayed so I was like 😱 bad omens but the convention check-in line was amazingly smooth this year, I was prepared to wait hours in the hot sun from what I'd read online about previous years???? That didn't happen so 👍🏽

I was praying to get a Seventeen or GOT7 hi-touch with my ticket (to be clear, I only wanted GOT7 to trade for Seventeen 😉) but I got SF9 instead. Which is fine, I would've been happy to do SF9's hi-touch if I hadn't gotten Seventeen. I spent most of Friday in the trading area desperately looking for a Seventeen hi-touch, and was almost resigned to my fate/actually bought an Astro hi-touch because I thought I wouldn't get Seventeen. But one popped up at the last minute!!! I was expecting to be asked to pay $400+ and I love Seventeen but I'm not willing to spend that much money just for a hi-touch, but the seller was really kind so it worked out!!! 

I don't think I really did much else Friday, just walked around looking at merch and wondering whether to buy or not 😂 I filmed myself saying random stuff about the convention to my sister! She's at school so she couldn't come with me 😓

Saturday morning I woke up and had a few minutes of panic because HOLY CRAP I'M SEEING SVT TODAY. I GET TO TOUCH SVT TODAY. It was totally unreal and I wasn't even at the event or even the convention yet, I was literally in my bed 😂 I couldn't believe it was really happening!

I felt really bad because I sold the two Seventeen audiences I got on Friday as contingency, and I know my fellow Carats really wanted that hi-touch 😭 I'm sorry Carats!!! Next time!!!

I went to the Carat fan meeting event for a bit, it was pretty cute! I've never seen so many Carats in my life before 😂 so many of them came with their parents too~

Around noon or so I was just sitting outside the expo hall and I noticed people were starting to line up, so I went over and asked what was going on. Supposedly ~some idols~ were gonna come through, maybe VIXX! So I stuck around - I wasn't planning to go to VIXX's fan engagement because it was right before Seventeen's, and I needed to line up for a good view for Seventeen 😂 

I want to say it was anticlimactic, but it kinda wasn't? Sure, I was waiting there for a while, and I'm short so it was hard to see what was going on. And when they actually came through, they walked so fast I didn't have time to react! I wanted to shout Hakyeon's name but it all happened so fast that I couldn't get the words out 😂

But I did see them in real life! I was literally like, 5 feet away from them?? Hyuk was first and I actually wasn't sure if it was him for a second, either I've been out of VIXX for too long or he looks different in real life? Probably at least a bit the latter, haha. Not in a bad way tho! His face just looks softer in real life. Also, he's really tall! But at the same time, not as tall as I expected? Like, it felt like I was expecting all of them to be almost larger than life. It was really amazing seeing them in real life and just having that world-changing reality check that yeah, these are real, living, breathing humans who just happen to be celebrities. They looked so....normal, in a way? Like I see them and I realize that in some other universe where they're not idols, they're just regular people I might've known. Idk if this is making any sense, haha. Of course I've been aware of the fact that I shouldn't put idols on a pedestal - VIXX themselves have definitely taught me some lessons about how to deal with it when idols that I love do problematic things - but it's one thing to accept intellectually that idols aren't perfect, and another to actually have them in front of you without any of the usual digital barriers, just casually walking by like any other stranger you pass by on the street every day. So yeah, overall it was pretty amazing to see them, really refreshing in a way, even if it was only for a few minutes, if that. 

Mm anyway, Hongbin looked as pretty as ever and Wonshik was really charismatic (although I wish he had smiled). I remember while I was doing my research for KCON tips and tricks, someone said Jaehwan looks like a doll in real life? Whoever that was, you're totally right. Can confirm. I was a bit surprised honestly, I never thought of him as a top visual in VIXX but he's astoundingly pretty. Taekwoon.....lmao I'm so sorry, I literally don't recall seeing Taekwoon 😂 I must've been distracted 😕

Overall I was pretty pleased with my luck XD I totally forgot that they were coming to the expo hall at all and I'm glad I was there just in time. Most importantly, I was really glad I'd seen VIXX first, because I felt a lot more prepared for Seventeen after that 😂

Also Kevin Woo (U-KISS' Kevin) walked past me on his way to a panel, so that was kinda cool. 

It was still more than two hours until Seventeen's engagement, but I saw one of my twitter mutuals said they were already lining up for it??? So I hurried over and got in line. The fan engagements are all standing, no seats for some reason, so I really wanted a good view 😂 I talked to people in line, and made a new friend! That was actually one of my biggest fears about KCON - I'm really shy about talking to people, and I also kind of feel out of place among KCON fans. That's still kinda true, but at least I made one friend 😄

I was so nervous while I was in line, and I don't think I stopped being nervous until Seventeen had come in and were on stage, tbh. Seeing them in front of me was so calming ❤️ It was so nice being surrounded by so many Carats tho! On the screen in the hall they were playing MVs of the artists in the lineup and everyone was cheering and singing along for Don't Wanna Cry. 

I recorded the whole fan engagement session including Seventeen walking in and I can upload that later, so I'll just toss out the things that stuck in my memory:

-I was WHOLLY unprepared for Jun to walk out first?????? He looks like a goddamn elf in real life, he's so beautiful. I'll still grumble about his hair being blond and grumble a bit louder about how he should eat more and fill out those cheeks again, but he's so beautiful. Similar to Hyuk, not as tall as I expected (also, I think he just has lousy posture). 

-Dino????? Is so tol???? But also so smol?????? Also I'm sorry, this is going to sound REALLY weird, but his head is kinda big proportional to his body? 😂😂😂😂😂 he's still a cutie tho. 

-Coups was so excited and happy, he was smiling and waving with both hands and I swooned. His black hair is gorgeous and I feel so blessed. 

-Jeonghan had glasses!! I swooned again. 

-Seungkwan is ADORABLE. I think up until he came out I'd just been cheering, not yelling members' names, but when he came out I just suddenly found myself screaming his name lmao. I love him ❤️

-I'm not a makeup expert by any means so I could be wrong, but they all seemed to have pretty heavy makeup on? Not a bad thing at all!!! Just a comment. It made all of them look really gorgeous. Especially Woozi, his skin looked so pristine and soft. 

-I kept waiting for Hoshi but he never came 😔 I hope he's resting well and that he isn't too sick!!!

It's getting a bit late haha so I'll skip the actual session for now and talk about the hi-touch, since I don't have a video for that! They made us put our phones away, although one of the girls with me just left her phone recording in her pocket 😮 tips for next time!!

So my plan was to alternate saying 수고했어요 (you've worked hard) and 건강하세요 (be healthy) because I knew I wouldn't have time to say both to each member, and they were all close together so I hope they each heard both phrases 😅 and I was planning to speak English to Joshua and say "take care of your health", and Mandarin - 您辛苦了 (you've worked hard) and 祝您身体健康 (be healthy) - to Jun and Minghao. I really wanted to say something meaningful in the short time I had! I didn't want to say something as trite as "saranghaeyo" or anything. 

Actually my rehearsed lines went pretty well, I should really give myself more credit for that. I couldn't really tell if they were more happy to hear my message than normal - of course they're always happy to meet their fans, but I couldn't tell if they were more happy than that to hear their native languages, ya know? I hope they appreciated it though 😓 ironically I actually stumbled on the English - I don't remember why, maybe I looked at Jisoo's face or something haha, but I suddenly got really shy and instead said "thank you for coming" while not looking him in the eye. He thanked me though, and I could hear the smile in his voice 😌

I'm really mad at myself about the eye contact thing though! I keep feeling bad about not looking some members in the eye; I hope they know it's out of shyness and not because I love them any less! Honestly I have this problem in real life too, my eyes will just wander during conversations 😒 I need to fix this (and not just for if I ever meet Seventeen again 😂)

Individual impressions:

-Woozi, oh, Woozi, my poor Jihoonie. He seemed super exhausted. I don't want to cause any trouble but I think Carats understand - he seemed really happy to see his fans, but at the same time very tired. His smile seemed like one of those polite smiles, but like I said, I totally understand. His lil dimples were really cute too! Also, he has a really manly vibe? LOL idk he’s so smol but also surprisingly manly????

-Seokmin, my sunshine, I think I might've talked over him by accident?????? Lmaooo I have no idea, it happened really quickly. As I was moving from Jihoon to Seokmin I think Seokmin was saying something to me, probably just hello, but I couldn't hear and by the time I realized, I was already opening my mouth to talk. I can't really remember much about his face or expression or anything but I remember getting the vibe that he was a really sweet person. It was probably his smile 😍

-Joshua: see above. I'm sorry babe! I love you, I'm just shy!

-Seungkwan, my baby boo, I'm so sorry, I barely remember hi-touching him 😭😭😭 if I ever see you again Seungkwan, I'll give you lots of love!

-Jeonghan, my angel, I think I was also too shy to look at him? I don't remember his face 😂😂😂 I love you Jeonghan! 😭

-Vernon, oh my god, Hansol, my child. He said hello to me as I moved up to him with his like, classic crooked grin and I about died on the spot. His voice is so lovely, oh my god, and the way he was smiling with his eyebrow quirked I just can't! I didn't realize until way way later that he'd talked to me in Korean (or rather, the importance of that fact). I wonder if he thought I was Korean because he heard me speaking Korean to Jeonghan? I'm under no illusions here about my Korean ability lol so I'm not sure. Either way he seemed really excited to be hearing Korean spoken to him and my heart melted when I realized that. I had purposely decided that I was going to speak Korean to Hansol for this very reason - because I remember reading about how he's lived in Korea for so long and how he said before he identifies more with his Korean side. I figured he'd appreciate a message in Korean and I feel really proud that I was right. 

-Mingyu, my darling, I think I was still freaking out from talking to Hansol lmao. I love Mingyu more than....a lot of things but he didn't make much of an impression on me? Like, he was exactly how I expected him to be, no more, no less - very tall, very beautiful, very excited. It's not a bad thing 😂😂😂 thank you for saving my heart, darling!

-Coups, my love, I feel bad that I couldn't show him more love with the time I had. I had another attack of shyness around him and didn't look him in the eye 😭 I tried to touch his hand a little longer to make up for it...also I'm SO regretful that I didn't look at his face more attentively because I know he was smiling, but I didn't even take the time to appreciate his dimples 😭😭😭

-Wonwoo, my precious, I'm sorry I also don't remember much of him. Whose idea was it to have hip hop unit line up together?????????? I, a lowly hip hop unit stan, am DECEASED. I was already so overwhelmed from the others that I didn't have the capacity to appreciate Wonwoo 😭😭😭

-Minghao, oh god, Minghao, my everything. I'm not gonna lie, he stole my heart today. Recently I had been feeling increasingly fond towards him for no particular reason, so I kinda saw it coming, but after the hi-touch I was just like, wow. My life has been changed. Right before the hi-touch started, as we were lining up, I was yelling Minghao's name trying to get him to notice me. No luck 😔 but I spoke Mandarin to him during the hi-touch, and he gave me this radiant smile and thanked me in Mandarin. Holy shit, his voice. I'm still getting shivers thinking about it now. I swear to god my heart wanted to fly out of my chest. In hindsight though, I think he seemed a bit tired, similar to Woozi? I'm not sure if it's just his smile lines but yeah, he seemed kind of tired. He was really gracious about the whole thing though. 

-Chan, what a smol, especially sandwiched between the two giants that are China line. LOL I mean he’s actually pretty tall too, he just gives off the vibe that makes me want to coddle him 😅 I hope he got to meet a lot of people who bias him! He deserves the world ❤️

-Jun, wow. I feel a little bad for reiterating that he's beautiful? The boy's talented too, make no mistake! Appreciate Wen Junhui 2kalways! But anyway he seemed a bit tired and withdrawn during the hi-touch, I felt a little twinge in my heart. I had a split second where I freaked out mentally over the Mandarin so I just ended up saying "you've worked hard" to him even though I'd already said it to Minghao. Actually I don't think I ended up saying anything about staying healthy to any of the members of performance unit who were present.....I feel like there's some kind of cosmic irony here. Anyway I hope Jun appreciated the Mandarin even though he didn't say anything! 😅

I really wanted Hoshi to come so I could tell him to get well soon, but of course I don't blame him. I hope he's back on his feet soon!

I was curious about Seventeen’s actual heights lmao but they were all kind of bending down/crouching to accommodate the fans! So sweet of them 😍 (but I still will never know how tall they really are.......hahaha)

God it's 4:40 already 😂😂😂 anyway! I'm gonna sleep now! I'll talk more about the concert later, but it was So Good oh my god. I've now adopted SF9 as my babies and reaffirmed my belief that Seventeen are gods 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Vernon and Seungkwan are the sweetest little things and Mingyu and Minghao are precious together. 

TL;DR: I went in to the hi-touch a Coups bias and I left a Minghao bias 😂😍😂😍😂

REVIEW of THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

     (You won’t know, but I’m writing this with a green pen to pep things up a little bit.) What to think of this movie... what did you think of it? Good actors, right? Actors acting. Key grips gripping. I still can’t decide. Maybe I wanted them to actually deal with the mystery part of it, the actual reason for the billboards. But you can tell in the first ten minutes that it’s a character study. Could they have maybe dealt with the case a little more while they were doing that though?       Also, who knew the “outside” in the title would be lowercase? Thought for sure it should have been upper. It all seemed so hard to believe. The dentist going after her with the drill? The officer throwing the ad guy out the window? Frances McDormand throwing Molotov cocktails at the police station? Never a dull moment in Ebbing, Missouri. Outside... outside. An Australian wife? Maybe the most unbelievable of all things -- no Australian has ever set foot in Missouri, has ever even heard of it. I promise you. Google it. Australians only live in L.A.       It was close to being really good... so close! But it wasn’t... was it? I’m still not sure. The son I’ll always remember from his role as the son in Manchester by the Sea. He had two girlfriends and a Boston accent... bad vibes, man. That movie had a rhythm, while this one doesn’t quite. You’ll think, was that a meaningful moment? I think it was. But I don’t really like the character. Well, I kind of like them. But not really. Oh, why are they doing that now? There were no real gratifying moments. And then all the sad parts were immediately undercut by humor. Frances McDormand getting out of her car and kicking high school kids in the balls! That doesn’t happen. Frances McDormand talking to a CGI deer that walks up to her. No deer I know would do that. They are rightly afraid of getting shot by people.      AND another thing. Even in jest, what husband has called his wife a “lazy bitch,” as Woody H’s character says to his Australian wife, and lived to tell about it? Why are the people of Ebbing, Missouri so reckless? Why can’t they just eat some food and relax? The character I liked most was the ex-husband’s nineteen-year-old girlfriend. I know that sounds really bad, but she was funny and she seemed nice. I like that she worked at a zoo and worked with disabled horses. Not that she’s a real person but the character. In the one flashback scene she’s in, the victim doesn’t have one ounce, one smidge, of likability. Give us something, man! Don’t just give us Frances McDormand walking around doing whatever she wants, or talking to herself using her bunny slippers. Is that what she won the Oscar for? The bunny slippers scene? Is it lazy of me to say that the subject seems topical, very much of the #metoo era? The police aren’t doing anything about a young woman’s rape and murder (the DNA evidence led nowhere) and the mother, although she told the daughter that she hopes the daughter gets raped (weird and again not believable), is able to show all her rage and grief and defiance and she gets to act like John Wayne while the crowd cheers her on. Is this why Hollywood promoted it? Did women cheer for her? Was the Australian wife really the killer? We’ll never know the answers. If men were to put up a billboard with their current overall gripe (or mine), or on three billboards, it would be something like, “WHY CAN’T... YOU BE... AT ALL RELIABLE?” - Ben