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dyketectivecomics · 4 years

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wait i wanna hear the conversation about how cass processes her anger

(its been so long since i made the original tag, but i hope you like this verifiable essay zaed lmao) (and uh, LONG POST warning for everyone else. this is a good 3k of Cited/Summed-Up Issues and Meta about Cass’ Batgirl run)

The reason why Cass processes differently from Bruce is because their traumas have different origin points and therefore have manifested differently. While Bruce’s vigilante drive is in avenging those who have been wronged and bringing villains to justice (bc of his perceived ‘failure’ to save his parents/bring Chill to justice), Cass’ drive is all about her absolution (bc of her continuous guilt for taking a life & later for any other person she feels she ‘failed’ along the way). That being said, while Cass herself is not a typically angry character, the anger that she displays throughout Batgirl (2000) usually has one of three origin points; the vindictiveness towards criminals that she’s learned from Bruce, her unresolved anger towards her father & mother, or the special cases, often where her inhibitions have been selectively lowered due to outside forces. Given that Cass is never given many healthy options to channel this anger, however, is how she ends up emulating Bruce, and is what makes exploring her anger so fascinating.

With that, let’s dive through the canon & Cass’ journey in Batgirl (2000).

I - Learning Vindictiveness

Again, all things considered, Cass isn’t an angry character at the start of her series! In issue #1, wordless as most of it is, there is a very telling moment when both she and Bruce are fighting together, and when she chases a goon into an alley. She watches while Bruce is a little overzealous in taking said goon out. For first-time Cass readers who may not have read NML, this can be a very telling moment. Cass has seen Bruce work. More than that, she’s seen him work in what’s likely one of the most stressful disasters to plague Gotham. But this is one of the first times that she’s really seeing him, and starting to pick up on how and why Bruce operates the way that he does. Admittedly, this is an undertone that I didn’t quite pick up on, during my first readthrough! But I mention it here bc I think it’s something to keep in mind. Because in #4, when Bruce makes his infamous “she’s perfect” speech, he specifically mentions how she ‘holds back’ even for criminals who he wouldn’t care if she was a little harsher with. I think that this is a big moment for Bruce, realizing how he excuses vindictiveness. However, he quickly backtracks on this when in #6, when Cass becomes so incensed (one of the first times we really see full-fledged anger from her) by seeing a criminal shooting arbitrarily that she stops his heart for a few seconds. And Bruce, hypocrite that he is, berates her for taking things a Step Too Far there.

Okay, might be getting a little harsh on Bruce, so in his defense, he doesn’t like the road he sees her heading down. At this point, he’s in denial of the Evidence that Cain has sent him so far that Cass has killed in the past. He’s fearful for what it might mean that he’s putting faith and trust in a potential killer (or rather is in flatout denial that Cass The Perfect Fighter could Ever Have Possibly Killed when she CLEARLY exhibits so much control. Killers must be all or nothing things, after all, right? Once one, aways one? (you’re absolutely wrong bruce but OKAY))

The point still remains, that Cass didn’t show vindictiveness on this level prior to issue #6. And more importantly, prior to Bruce showing her his own vengeful side. And the wildest thing about this… is that he continues to nurture and reward that vengefulness.

Issue #14 is a follow-up to a story where Cass had saved a man while out of costume, and Bruce learns that he had been killed regardless. Hoping to intercede before she finds out on her own, he leads Cass directly to the killers and allows her to punish (read: beat the crap out of) them for the man they killed. Now, there was some significant lead-up to this issue, the biggest shake-up also being that Cass is officially moved out of the Clocktower and into her own Cave. (Promotion or Isolation, it’s tough to speculate which exactly Bruce had in mind, given Cass’ behavior leading to this moment. None of it, I would label as quite angry, however. More... moderately rebellious.) So this can be seen as a kind of turning point where Bruce is explicitly putting faith in her again.

From here we begin to see more and more instances of children being put in danger & Cass being more vindictive in turn. Most especially in #16 (when Cass realizes the mastermind behind a heist is the father of the boy who sent her after them & she’s harsher with him than with many of the other crooks), and #18 (where she and Tim team up and she breaks a kidnapper’s hands when he threatened to kill the girl he had hostage). By this point in the series, Cass has also been working more consistently with others, and it’s easy to see how this has become a learned behavior, and a poor outlet for her growing anger towards the criminal element.

Cass, for all of her heart and training that she’s poured into her vigilantism, at this point in the series had been working towards one goal, to be ready to die by Shiva’s hands. Now, I want to put a pin in Shiva since she comes more into play in Part II, but just know that their fight in #25 was a turning point for Cass’ character, where she begins to care much more about the work Bruce does outside of simply fighting criminals, she begins to care about truly helping victims and for solving cases.

#34, specifically, opens with Cass and Bruce investigating a crime scene, where Cass can tell that a child was hurt. She asks Bruce to allow her to help solve it, but he benches her, telling her she’s ‘not ready’ for detective work. The rest of the issue is interspersed with Cass training until her knuckles are bleeding, and does end with her helping Bruce take down the group responsible! When Bruce asks at the end, however, if putting away One Killer is enough for her, she responds ‘No’, and Bruce expresses his pride in that declaration.

For a long time by this point in the run and for quite a time after, Bruce has absolutely been molding Cass more and more into the same type of vigilante that he is. And Cass is perfectly fine with that! She sees Batman as something to aspire to, the symbol as something transformative and redemptive. And as long as she is channeling the anger that she feels at those who so clearly deserve that punishment, then she must be doing something right.

Because there certainly aren’t other outlets or alternatives that could be productive… could there?

II - Dad/Mom Issues

Bruce Wayne: Murderer/Fugitive is an extremely notable story arc, not only for the crossover event that it became, but for the impact and repercussions that it would have for Cass. While not expressing anger, per se, during this arc, Cass does show a lot of frustration towards both Dick and Barbara whenever they suggest theories of how/why Bruce may have actually committed the murder (which, spoiler, he was indeed framed for! By Cain, no less!). This is important to note because this arc highlights a few things; the faith and trust that Cass has put into Bruce that she’s willing to go to bat for him, the jealousy & proprietary nature that Cain displays over Cass, and finally the consequences that are had when that jealousy comes to light.

Another case opens up after this arc, and Cass is forced to confront Cain in #33 in an effort to gather intel on the criminal known as Alpha. When she goes in under the guise of a reporter and tries to interrogate him, she’s overcome with unresolved anger towards Cain, yelling “Who do you think you are?” and even breaking through the glass to get to him. This isn’t the first, nor the last time that Cass’ anger towards Cain is on display, but it’s certainly a prominent one, as while she makes physically aggressive moves towards him (and yeah, initially kicks him when breaking through the glass), she never outright lays a hand on him otherwise in this one. Threatens him, sure, but shows remarkable restraint given the high emotions.

Cass’ feelings about Cain and about the events of Murderer/Fugitive aren’t ever fully articulated, but given #37, I think we can draw some more definitive conclusions. This issue follows the thread given previously in #33, opening with Cain sending Cass a knife for her birthday. With it, she finally connects the dots that Cain is indeed her biological father, something that was speculated, but not fully confirmed before now. In her anger against everything he’s done to her, they close this issue with a rather dramatic shot of her doing everything possible to destroy the knife, leaving it unclear if she’s truly successful, however.

In later issues when Cass reminisces on her past and on those who have influenced her, Cain is always one of the shadows included. Unfortunate as it is, Cain will always be part of who Cass was, but from this point on in her series, she starts to let some of that anger go. Cain doesn’t decide her future. She does.

Juxtapose this idea, however, much later in #65, when Cass begins to suspect who her mother might be, but wants confirmation. This is what kicks off the final arc of her series, and effectively brings one of the longer running storylines to a close. Cass goes to Gotham to ask Bruce, who also has had his suspicions, but can’t confirm that Shiva is her mom. Since Cass is in town, she goes to train with Onyx (another former assassin-turned vigilante), and whether she’s doing it on purpose or because Shiva is on her mind, she begins to incorporate Shiva’s moves into her fighting, which Onyx points out. All this comes to a head when she confronts Cain for an answer, which he refuses (and we finally see her fully beat his ass lmao). Once again, she doesn’t express anger with Bruce or take out her frustrations on Onyx, but instead levels the blame entirely on Cain, and uses him as an outlet once she’s reached a breaking point.

Another moment to point out is in #67, when the Birds of Prey help Cass along in tracking down Shiva, and when Cass and Dinah train in the meantime. Dinah shows off her new moves (Shiva’s moves) to Cass, and Cass reacts badly, nearly choking Dinah out as she demands to know how Dinah learned those moves. She learns that Shiva’s been looking for a student/heir, and later on that she’s been working with the League of Assassins to help her to that end. I feel this moment highlights a growing trend, that feelings left bottled up will eventually spill over if they’re not properly acknowledged. Would Cass have otherwise reacted so poorly to Dinah showing her ‘new moves’ otherwise? But I digress.

Given that their first confrontation was in this same vein, of Shiva looking for one to either end her reign or take over her legacy, it’s kind of poetic for them to end on this note. The series concludes with Cass facing off against Shiva for the last time, Cass the unmitigated victor, with nothing left to prove to either of her parents or to herself. She’s finally at peace with her past, and that leaves her present a wide open mystery.

This, however, brings us to a topic that still bears exploration...

III - The Edge™

Because no matter how much Cass is able to hold back, even in her quest for justice. No matter the anger that she feels towards her parents. I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the times that Cass has been pushed back to the worst possible edges.

The first, and most prominent of which, occurs in #15, when Cass is hit by a machine that causes her to hallucinate the Joker killing Bruce. The entire purpose of the machine was to push people into ‘deciding’ to kill others, and for most it would knock them out for a few minutes/hour before they would wake up and be compelled to commit a killing spree. For Cass, it was a matter of seconds that she ran through the scenario presented by her subconscious, and to make that ‘decision’. Cass is introspective at the end of the issue, and her concern for Bruce is made very clear. Her emotions towards that ‘decision’ however… is a lot less understood.

Now another issue I want to bring up is #19, a lot less for it being an issue where Cass’ outright anger is employed, but as another extreme case with high emotions. Cass hears that a man has been sentenced to die, and, believing that all life should be spared, actually goes to the trouble of breaking through the chamber where he’s being held and stops the process in its tracks. She truly does want to believe that anyone can be redeemed, and it’s an admirable part of her character. Ultimately, her efforts are for naught, the man is still sentenced to die and Cass is now forced to contend with a system she does not agree with. It’s an interesting idea to explore and highlights her idealism, but ultimately it’s not as fully understood or even really acknowledged, in my opinion, by the fandom at large. (Which is why I wish I had highlighted it in my previous meta, but I’m getting off topic again.)

Recalling that her ‘Perfect Year’ occurs during this next example, in #21 she almost kills the villain Shadowthief in her preparation for her first deathmatch with Shiva, and immediately regrets the lapse in judgement when she realizes what she had done. Stephanie was luckily nearby to help her resuscitate him, but it was nonetheless a very telling moment and lapse. It’s a harrowing reminder of what Cass IS capable of. Though she’s been preparing and training for a fight to the death, she’s still absolutely abhorred by the thought of taking another life. She’s not angry during this battle, she’s more playful than she’s been in a lot of issues leading up to this, actually. But the point remains, Cass will always be capable of taking another life, what she lacks is the willingness to knowingly do so, and now will always have a fear of the possibility.

With that we circle back around to two of the drug-induced cases, first in #46 where Cass accidentally ingests Soul. The stream of consciousness that materializes on the pages, shows that she HAS picked up on everything that everyone around her feels/sees in her, and that she’s internalized it to some degree. Cass does manage to fight through most of it and held her own against the drug runners she was fighting. Something to note, though, is that this incident is preceded by Cass learning that Babs and Dick are once again at odds, so once Babs sends Dick to check up on Cass, she responds (still in that drug-induced state mind you) by kicking Dick out a window on Babs’ behalf. Given that Cass has no previous history of turning on allies, (& won’t again until the incident with Dinah much later) even when frustrated or in disagreement with them, this moment certainly needs to be kept very carefully in context.

Following this issue, we see a slight personality change from Cass, where she’s becoming more reckless and frustrated. In #48 this culminates in her ignoring both Babs and Bruce’s calls, she ends up comprising his human trafficking investigation, and Bruce grounds her from being Batgirl in the meantime. #49 shows her going against Bruce’s wishes and operating in Babs’ old suit, something that angers Bruce when he discovers this.

This story arc finds its conclusion in #50, where both Cass and Bruce are gassed with Soul and they fight a pretty brutal battle while under its effects. They have their famous heart to heart after, where Bruce asks ‘once and for all’ where Cassandra’s loyalties lie. Bruce later posits that this fight was the ‘therapy’ that Cass needed bc “what other therapy will she understand?”.

While his heart may have been in the right place, this idea, that Cass can only respond to fighting and express herself through violence, is ultimately not a very healthy one. Cass’ default is already training and fighting, so any further strain that she puts on herself becomes something more akin to self-flagellation than anything near to a proper coping mechanism.

IV - Conclusion

And that’s where the parallel between Cass and Bruce really reaches an uncanny similarity for me. Because they pour everything they can into the mission, often to the detriment of their mental and emotional health. While Bruce’s degrees of self-awareness for his anger may vary by writer, Cass’ is fairly consistent across her Batgirl run. The outlets given to her were so few to begin with, and any effort to examine her emotions or to express herself through other outlets is… simply not given to her for all too long over the course of her series. It’s a rather tragic, and ultimately heartbreaking thing, because so soon after her series ends… DC seemed to decide the best thing to do with her, was to turn her into a villain.

I said at the beginning that Cass is not a naturally angry character, but it does need to be acknowledged that she’s absolutely capable of anger, and that that anger is often not expressed in the healthiest of ways. Whether this development is seen and acknowledged by the fandom at large, however, well… while that’s looking less and less likely by mainstream batfam stans, I am hopeful that Cass fans continue to highlight this aspect of her character in the content they create. And that I, too, can remember to acknowledge this in future fan content that I make as well.

#cassandra cain #randywritesmeta #asked and answered #jaccsonhyde #zaed tag #bruce wayne #*jazz hands* ITS AN ESSAY SOOO YKNOW #keep that in mind!!#hope yall like this ahhh #long post #(JUST in case tunglr acts weird!!)

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dysphorie · 4 years

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The Slipknot Incident

Anon, I’m an idiot and tunglr is a functioning website, so I lost your ask while trying to edit shit SO it was just easier to write this up. I doubt many people want to know, and I don’t blame them. It probably wouldn’t seem like a big deal to someone it didn’t happen to! And maybe I should just still be keeping it to myself, because who cares! Amirite? But no. I’ve decided that I want to write it all out for ME. So. Very long post ahead and I’m sorry about that but you need to know EVERYTHING for it all to really make sense.

So, flashback to 1999. I'm 15-turning 16. I have this boyfriend, kirk. He's obsessed with kurt cobain and everything grunge, and uses this to belittle the fact I like all kinds of music, particularly heavy stuff.

He was also an abusive cunt. Verbally and physically. Very controlling, HATED it if i went in the mosh pit (which I L O V E D, and glasgow moshpits are legendarily rough) because "that's not what girls do. And i know this is wrong, and he's wrong, and I shouldn’t put up with it, but I do! Cos I'm 16 and "in love"!

I also have two big sisters, one of which is...a handful. Very dramatic, very argumentative, and very good at getting people to take her side (steeeeeeff you've got to let her take xyz of your things, she has a baaaaaaaaybeee!) We get on amazingly NOW, but then not so much.

So, fastforward to Feb 2000. Slipknot are playing at glasgow barrowlands, my favourite venue ever, and slipknot were already my favourite band (s/t had hit, the world went wild). And I managed to get two tickets!! So kirk tells me in no uncertain terms that I've to give one to his little sister, nicky, who is a year younger than me. I'm like um ok sure, cos i hadn't planned who i was going with yet, my mum just got two tickets just in case. So I say i will, and that's that.

But oh no it isn’t. because my aforementioned sisters birthday is at the end of Feb! And my family are like, you’re giving her the other ticket, right? And no amount of no, I already promised it to Nicky would suffice. Because SHE’S YOUR SISTER AND SHE NEVER GETS TO DO ANYTHING COS SHE HAS A BAAAAAYBEEEEEEE. She didn’t, and doesn’t like Slipknot or either of the support act (Kittie and, thankfully, my good pals One Minute Silence who I’ve seen more times than I’ve had hot dinners)

So I explain this to Kirk, sitting in his room one day. He. Goes. B a l l i s t i c. I’ll miss the details but he explains that I WILL find a way for Nicky to go to this sold-out gig and, actually, him too while I’m at it. Because I have a reputation for being able to blag onto guest lists, it shouldn’t be too hard, right? So ofc I’m scared and promise I will.

The day or so before the gig, Slipknot did a signing in a Virgin Megastore that had recently opened. My friends and I were so excited, we were there from crazy early in the morning to get stuff signed (there ARE photos somewhere in the ether, who knows where, not me). But I’m also terrified Kirk’s gonna find out I’m there, cos he didn’t want me to go. That’s it. We had no idea what the band looked like yet so it wasn’t that kind of jealousy. But anyway...

The signing was great. Got my shit signed, Sid and Chris were weird assholes cos that was their schtick, Jim and Mick gave me the best cuddles, CRAIG SPOKE TO ME cos I have him a wee pin badge and he mumbled “No one ever gives me anything...”, and I gave Joey and Corey nailpolish. Joey looked terrified, Corey was incredibly thankful, and pulled me in for a hug. That he wouldn’t let me out of (not in a forceful way, just in a heeeeey lady let me hug on you for a while) and I’m like uh *panics in 16 not that he knows that cos tattoos and piercings and huuuuuuge boobs* and he says some very suggestive things and my friend said aye she’s into all that freaky shit too and I’m dying inside. Offers were made, I said uh lol maybe bye, and go home on cloud nine.

Until my friend who spoke to Corey tells Kirk what happened. Thankfully I wasn’t gonna see him until nearly door opening gig time, but the phonecall we had was...unpleasant.

So it’s the day of the gig, I go to Glasgow stupid early to meet the OMS boys and beg and plead for them to put Kirk and his sister on the guest list. And they do! Because I cry and tell them everything and I have to make their singer promise not to wait outside and beat him up. I could tell you what I was wearing: a deftones baseball ringer I lost my birginity in, baggies, and a powerpuff girls hoodie. My hair was blonde and green. I was wearing my favourite converse that Kirk hates because they were All-Stars, not One-Stars. And Corey wore All-Stars, was I wearing them because HE wore them?

My sister turns up before the doors open. I’m at the front of the queue cos I want to be down the front. My sister and Kirk are both like lol no, because YOU need to look after your sister (who is 24 to my 16 at this point) because she’s tiny and I go to more gigs, and Kirk doesn’t want me anywhere near the front or the pit. Doesn’t want me to corrupt his sister. But she begs me to take her in the pit for “Spit It Out” and I promise I will.

OMS are incredible, Kittie were ok, Talena tried to crowdsurf and got dropped. I turned around to talk to my sister about it and she was...gone. I checked the bar. Nothing. The toilets. Nada. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck we’re supposed to get the last train home together, I HAVE to find her. Slipknot come on. We’re standing up the back near the bar, and he has a deathgrip on my wrist so I don’t run off. Then I think I see my sister!! I beg to go to her, he lets me go, but I can’t find her, then I can’t find my way back to him. By the time I do, he accuses me of finding and kissing my friend Mark (my best friend who I’d actually recently fallen out with and hadn’t spoken to in months and only knew he was at the gig cos I saw him at the signing. I didn’t see him at the gig). I don’t find my sister.

Kirk decides it’s time to go, so literally drags us away. As we’re nearly out the crowd, “Spit It Out” starts, and I rip my arm away from him and grab his sister, tell him FUCK YOU, WE’RE DOING THIS. So we do. For about...a minute or so. Then something grips my right wrist so hard and so tight I thought it was going to crumble. I literally trip over my feet as he drags me back out the crowd and out of the ballroom.

Now the Barrowlands has a set of couches just outside the main hall, it’s a popular meeting place, so I pulled away again there and said NO, I have to wait for my sister, I’ll see him later, he can go home. Furiously he stomps away. So I sit and wait. And wait. And wait. The entire venue empties and my sister is nowhere to be seen. Turns out she left just as Slipknot started and went home, and yes I got in trouble for that despite the fact she fucked off. The venue staff need me to leave. I’ve missed the last train, I don’t know what I’m going to do. So I walk outside thinking maybe I’ll see a friend I can stay with.

And there’s Kirk and Nicky. Standing by their dad’s car. Hey come stay with me, I didn’t want to go til I knew you were ok, he says, sweet as pie. We get home, everyone goes to bed.

Where he put self-titled on repeat, very low on his stereo, and proceeded to do some of the most horrific things that have every happened to me in my life, over the course of basically the entire night. I’m going to stay non-specific, but if you can imagine it, it probably happened. Including yes, what you’re definitely thinking of now. And he told me it was all my fault. Because I was weak and couldn’t say no. Because I was a slut who’d catch something by fucking a guy in a band just to say I’d fucked someone in a band. That he’d make sure Corey wouldn’t want me if I ever met him again. That it was my fault for talking to another, older man. I was getting what I deserved. He plugged his big fancy headphones into the stereo and made me listen to my favourite tracks over and over and over during some of it, and I didn’t dare make a noise because if his parents found out, if anyone found out, he’d kill me. And I believed him, because he kept a bolt gun in his bedside drawer, liked to pretend he was going to shoot himself with it it upset me and make me beg him not to. He said he’d make me do it to myself maybe, to keep his hands clean. I believed every word.

I went home the next day packed with toilet tissue that I had to clench to keep in place because my underwear had been ripped, not that it mattered because it was covered in blood anyway. When I got home I got a bollocking and grounded because of the shit with my sister. She remembers none of it, but she’ll still insist it was probably my fault she left.

When I saw that Slipknot weren’t playing “Spit It Out” in January I literally cried tears of relief. It took me a long time to be able to listen to Slipknot again, and when I did I was made fun of for liking them, which made healing harder because I was just trying to reclaim this thing that had given me such comfort in the past. So I’ve always kinda kept my love of them to myself.

But when I hear “Spit It Out”, I feel his fingers close around my wrist. I feel the bones click and roll. And normally I can turn the song off if I’m having a bad day, but I couldn’t exactly do that live. That’s a huge part of why I feel me like, reclaiming Slipknot this past year was just...meant to happen. It was nearly 20 years to the day, I bought the tickets with MY money and was going MYSELF for MYSELF, they weren’t playing a song that I might have a fucking breakdown to. I met amazing people. I did EVERYTHING on MY terms.

Honestly I’ll never be healed of it. Duh. But I can talk about it now because I’ve had closure. I took back what was taken from me. Can’t make up for the missed gigs taken from me and the like but meh, that’s nothing compared to what it’s given me.

#long post #trigger warning: just fucking everything #the slipknot trauma story #don't lose

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