#((LORD HELP IM HAVING A SNEEZING FIT)) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bigsnzstanacct · 3 years

Text

King’s New Allergy Part 4

This is wildly overwritten but at least I’m writing...? Here is the link to the other chapters of this story lmao. Of course it is also on le blue forum. After this chapter there is one more to conclude the story (which is already partially written!) and then there’s a chance I’ll eventually write an aggressively porn-y epilogue. okay byeeeeeeee!

------

My nose. My damned nose. By all the gods old and new, my insatiable, insufferable, intolerable, insistent, itchy, tickly, twitching, torurous nose!

“So the… th-thehhhh… the harvest in the W-weehhhhh… Western… -sniff-”

I was fighting. I was fighting as hard as I’d ever fought anything. Harder. But to do battle against a swordsman, a sorceror, a monster, a ghost… that was child’s play. For that I had tools and training. Years of training in weapons and fighting. For this meeting too: years of training in diplomacy, in leadership. But none of that training involved a struggle to the death against your own damned nose!

“In the W-wehhhh… weeeeeeehhHHHH…”

Through narrowing eyes, I saw their faces: full of disapproval, fear, hands itching to clap to their ears, legs twitching to hide under the table, as though I really were a storm unto myself, and in taking cover, they might be spared the worst. Perhaps if I simply allowed the sneeze to come, it might not be so monstrous but… I could not. I could not bring myself to succumb so easily, to give in, to be weak. I chanced putting a finger beneath my nose. It was a desperate failsafe that had served at least a few times, but in truth I could never resist for long. I could no more resist these violent eruptions than the sky, overcharged with energy, could resist the lightning arcing across the sky, or the terrible roar of the thunder in response.

“Oh gods… I’m sahhhh.. s-ssaahhhhhh… s-sorreeehhhhhHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRSSSSCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AnothhheeEERRRYYYYYYYYAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! hehhhh… hh-hehhhhhh… HUUUH! HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

They came, thick, fast and violent. Each one felt like it took all my strength, as though I couldn’t help but through the full weight of my body—no, the full weight of the castle herself into each sneeze. And then, for a moment…

Bliss.

No itch, no tickle, no torture. As terrible as they were, as much as they terrorized my meeting, my castle, my citizens, my countryside… there was a guilty, fiendish part of me that felt such magnificent release and relief with each great roar that was loosed from my mouth and nose. Drained, too, of course. Exhausted as though I’d climbed a mountain after practically each sneeze, let alone a whole terrible fit of them like I’d done. But also, utterly and simply delighted.

And then I opened my eyes and the embarrassment flooded in, and then, barely a split-second later, the tiny, teasing, barely-perceptible blossom of the itch that presaged another sneeze. The urge to sneeze again was following closer and closer on the glorious feeling of release and relief. When this all started I could go half the day without a sneezing fit. Then hours. Now barely minutes. But perhaps if I didn’t think about it, if I just barrelled through and ignored the tickle… maybe it would leave me alone.

“My apologies again, gentlemen.” I said, and quickly, before anyone could comment upon my nose: “Now, the Western harvest is among the best we’ve had in some years, which means our levy at the current rate should be -sniff!-” the itch already was worming its way up. But I could hold out still. I could ignore it.

“At the current rate should be more than sufficient to provide for capitol needs, y-yes Minister?”

The Minister of the Exchequer tried to discreetly rub at his ears, but it was obvious what he was doing, trying to clear his head from my sneezing long enough to focus on what I was saying. I couldn’t bear it.

“Yes! It will be sufficient, I don’t need you to check my arithmetic. You may repohhh… re-re…” I gave a hard sniff, and allowed myself a quick rub at the underside of my nose with the heel of my palm. It was an embarrassing, almost childish gesture but I was far beyond caring about small embarrassments. I had much, much larger mortifications to be concerned with.

“Youmayreportbackifneedsbe!” I barrelled out, knowing the tickle was already roused, and at any moment could turn the act of speech into feat as tricky as any in my storied questing career.

“What is the next item on the ahhh… hahhh…” my eyes swam, unfocused for a moment. Hands crept up towards ears, dread lining in every face of the council. I could feel my knights tensing behind me, as though bracing for an explosion, hoping not to be knocked off their feet. The sneeze wasn’t even ready, it would play with me for several more moment yet. It reminded me of nothing more than sparring with the quartermaster as a boy: putting up a valiant fight, certain I was on the edge of victory… only to find he was only playing a game with me. He would always win.

“The next agenda item!” I said, slamming a fist down on the table. I wasn’t angry with the council, and I hope they knew that, but. It was all so damned frustrating… I couldn’t speak without terrifying my council, not with my words but with the threat of my nose. Of all the mortifying.

“Well my lord, we have not admitted petitioners in over three weeks, owing to your condition. I was informed the Royal Physician as well as the, ah, King’s Right Hand will be pursuing some possibilities for treatment, but the peo---”

“Damn the conditiiIiiiHHHHHH… HHIIIHHHHHH!!” May noses and sneezes be damned by all the gods old and new! The urge was already prickling in my nose, fanning its way towards inevitability, as though to mock me for cursing it. By all the gods, I should be able to see my people, to hear their complaints and all because of my god’s damned lack of control, I couldn’t even do that… I felt furious as a boy, looking up at the quartermaster teary-eyed with rage at losing, at humiliation. And here I was again, losing. And to a thrice damned tickle in my thrice damned nose…!

My nose, on which the whole room hyperfocused, as intent upon it as I’d ever been on any foe on the battlefield. Every twitch garnered a flinch, every skipped breath a skipped heartbeat. My damned sneezes could be heard throughout the entire castle, throughout the entire town. I was just waiting for someone to announce they’d heard me sneeze at the furthest edges of the regions, echoing off the Black Mountains or the White Cliffs, resounding across oceans…

With all that, being so close to my sneeze must have been a form of auditory torture. And I couldn’t put my advisors through that. Not any longer. And not with the vague but unmistakable sense I felt that what was beginning to well up in me would be a fit to rival any I’d suffered since I came down with this accursed, irreparable allergy, this implacable need that seemed to be unmoved by any force physical or magical, on earth or in the realms above. I was going to sneeze, and the fit would leave me exhausted and the whole castle ringing, I knew. But the urge itself was small now, my winds gathering strength for the one man hurricane they would turn me into. What a curse, to make of a king a slave to his own body. I was disgusted with myself. And yet, I could no more stop the force building within me than I could will the rising sun to set or still the flowing tide.

This council meeting was accomplishing nothing. And dammit, I needed to sneeze.

Abruptly, I pushed back from the chair. Everyone rose with me. “Ladies and gentlemen, you must excuse me, I’m a-afraid… oh I…” I was doing my best to keep up a kingly facade but already I was faltering before the effort of damming back the torrent of sneezes that seemed to be pressing up against each other, jockeying for position, each demanding to be the first to erupt out of me. “oh gods, I have to sneeze. It’s going to be a terrible fit and I… Iahhhhhh… I m-muuhhhhh… I must r-repair to my… my chahhhhHHHHH… hAHHHHHHHHHHHH… w-with m-mehhhh…!”

I ordered my retinue to follow me, but I’m sure a number of them did so quite reluctantly, and frankly I couldn’t blame them. What I felt coming seemed like a sneeze to beat all sneezes, an itch to beat all itches, nothing which could soothed, calmed, or controlled by a little finger under the nose, a few rough rubs. I’d asked my former manservant more than once about his… powers. How he felt all the hidden powers of the earth welling up through him, the connection to the secret side of everything, how he could make it shimmer and dance. I felt the same sense of something beyond myself intruding upon me, but it was not under my control. I was beneath its thumb, dancing like a marionette on a string in miserable abasement to, of all things, a tickle in my nose.

“Someone… someone please… huhhhh… p-put your f-finger… under…”

It was pathetic. At least I’d managed to get well out of the way of the council chambers before I succumbed. I’d only embarrassed myself like this once or twice before, but if this went on much longer, I’d have to appoint a knight to do this for me full time, to press and pinch and wrangle my nose in a way my own hands could no longer suffice. Perhaps that way I could at least forestall the sneezes long enough to do any of the duties of a king.

But for now, my only goal was fighting off the absolutely monstrous fit I felt brewing for a few more moments, until I could at least reach my chamber. At least then I could succumb in private, although such succumbing was never private. Before the curse even, I blushed to think a vigorous sneeze might echo through the castle, and I never could dam them back. But under the curse now… all of the castle, all of the city heard my every falter. The sound of my failure resounding back at me from every brick in the kingdom.

The Captain of the Guard slid a thick finger under my nose, and ever so imperceptibly the urge diminished. He pushed upward, hard. And all I could do was blink at him in acknowledgement. At this point a single word would send it all crashing down.

“Knights dismissed! I will escort the King further.” I heard his voice ringing out, and I was as grateful as I’d ever been for him. At least the knights would be spared the very worst. The captain alone would be with me to the eruptive end.

“Not much further now, sire. Please, hold out!” And there was an uncertainty or even... a fear in his voice. It wasn't as if I'd never heard such fear from the Captain of the Guard before. We had quested together, season after season. But this tone of voice ought to be reserved for a onrushing army or a sleeping dragon. Surely there was no reason to steel himself so before my nose?

“T-t-traahhHHHH… tr-trying…” I choked out, scrunching my nose as aggressively as I could, as though if my nostrils recoiled from the irritation, I might dodge the sneeze—no, sneezes—altogether.

And suddenly, unimaginably, the urge… exploded.

It was as if I had never needed to sneeze before in my life. Tears sprang to my eyes, and the simmering flame of the urge became a wild forest fire. Helplessly, I jerked away from the Captain, scrubbing desperately at my nose even as the heavy breaths ripped themselves from me…

“HHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH… HUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

“My King, not yet!” the Captain insisted. Not to be deterred, he came up behind me and tried to guide me, but I was surrendered to the sneeze, overpowered by the urge, defeated by the invisible twinging need. He was practically pushing me as the sneeze swelled and swelled.

“HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… UUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

It swelled more and MORE, feeling more ferocious than any of my previous sneezes. I felt like a volcano on the precipice of eruption, as though my winds were swirling and turning and twisting and braiding their way towards tornadic devastation, as though I were not only a a lightning strike but indeed a whole storm set loose to wreak havoc across the land.

“Nearly there, nearly there, please sire you musn't give in…”

But it was too late.

“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” I exploded, and it was as though… some sort of… power erupted from me, from my mouth and nose from… from everywhere. The sneezes had always been incredibly loud but now tapestries on the wall flapped, armor rattled, it sounded as though something fell but I couldn’t tell because before I could so much as think, the next sneeze was already erupting: “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUHHHH!!!! AARRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HehHHHHHHH… HEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTSSSCCCHHHHHHHHHEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!”

On and on and on the sneezes came, more and more violent, “volume” not even describing what I felt bursting from me. Somewhere, dimly, I heard the sounds of something falling over, and yet still the steady pressure of the Captain at my back, finally…

“Sir, your chamber… We must not let them see you!”

Whether I was able to exert some minimal effort even subdued by my sneeze attack, or whether the Captain just shoved me, somehow I stumbled into the chamber, still sneezing relentlessly, barely heard the door slam behind me, helpless to the urge. My whole world narrowed to my nose, and it was as though some block within me surrendered and the sneezes roared out of me, louder and more violent than ever before again and again and again…

I could not tell how long it had been when the fit finally ended. I felt… amazing. Warm and sated. Entirely itch-free, as though I’d never need to sneeze again in my life. Practically glowing. Maybe that was it? Maybe that monster of a fit had at last blown the insufferable urge away for good? But the moment of euphoria lasted barely an instant. I heard a… squeak? and I opened my eyes to find… him. The sorcerer. His robes and hair disheveled, and then, the room… The bed was without sheets. The mattress ripped, feathers piled against the stone wall, piled up with the rugs, half my clothes, my pillows, my chairs…

“Wh-what… what did I… what did I do?” I asked, panting and mortified.

He stood, mortified, as red as I’d seen him in years. His mouth agape. “I—I… I—I have to go!” He exclaimed, and rushed from the room.

Had I hurt him? Scared him? Surely he of all the denizens of the castle had no reason to fear… anyone. But as I cast my eyes across the disheveled, half-wrecked room, I began to see what he saw. Nothing to fear. But something to pity. An out-of-control freak. Certainly no King.

And even then, with a trickle of fear running down my spine… I began to feel the urge to sneeze again, sputtering back to life. I sat on my bed, feeling the weakened timbers sputter and creak with my weight, head in hands.

“By all the gods…”

#snz story #King's New Allergy #Part 4 #giant!sneeze #sorta #snz fic

50 notes · View notes

thesorrowoflizards · 4 years

Text

yall we deserve more fairy tale aus. more maiaphael and/or magnus fairy tale aus

the beautiful princess maia, strong in her own right but so soft and kind and she just wants to help even though she’s not in a great position to do so

brave young hero raphael questing not for the princess’s hand but to help his community, his family, his sister (but he falls in love with her anyway)

“fairy godfather” magnus, a kind wizard who helps them out and indeed helps anyone he can… and perhaps dragon alec

but like the point is—oh my god

oh no

oh no mid post

mid post the idea it hit me

literally while i was in the middle of typing trying to figure out where i was going with this

ive been, metaphorically speaking, shot blank

with the idea

maiaphael

shrek au

oh I hate this

does this make maia fiona, raphael shrek, and magnus—DONKEY?! AND ALEC THE DRAGO—ok ok so this is happening now. amazing. i just wanted a soft fairy tale au with princess maia and hero raphael and kindly wizard magnus but now here we are. shrek au. fine. if this is how it’s gonna be, fine

i guess rather than ogre he’s a vampire which is a little more subtle—perhaps instead of becoming a vampire at night she’s a werewolf? so downworlders in general rather than specifically a vampire? not quite loyal to the original story (as she became an ogre rather than just “a fairy tale creature” for a reason) but not bad—although the implication she’d like become a wolf forever isn’t great. I mean I’m sure you can play with that so it’s more like at night she becomes a werewolf—ability to transform into a wolf, eyes flash green sometimes, can do feats of supernatural strength and so on, but like. still. hm

but like ok look the point is maia is in this tower and it’s not that she’s weak, but she can’t fight a dragon on her own and she’s been taught her whole life she was supposed to be saved, get a prince charming, etc. she’s quite well read and also very isolated and probably claustrophobic as fuck now. i’m not sure how to combine her characterization with fiona’s in a way that stays loyal to her character but still makes sense in the au tbh.... [thinking emoji im too lazy to google and paste here]

and like raphael, rather than wanting everyone out of his home, perhaps is specifically trying to help his community and get more structure? obviously magnus wants to help—still can’t believe I’m making him donkey but the dragon thing is too good to pass up, although I’m basically going to completely change his role as donkey because I physically can’t handle making him the comic relief literal ass, but like, he’s had his own issues and also wants to help get the land to set up a home for everyone and help people, so he’s travelling with raphael and is like “smol angery vampire who is willing to slap a dragon to death to save his community and specifically take care of his sister? im adopting him immediately”

perhaps for shenanigans and I have. oh my god this is ridiculous but any shrek au is inherently ridiculous so I’m making this twi malec now. consider this: twi magnus on the road literally just getting the hang of his magic after an encounter with a rogue crazy princess who’s stab-happy and needed some magical help, so it’s waking up and he’s just getting in all these crazy hijinks with raphael where hypothetically he’s powerful enough to just zap them there, zoink out the dragon and win, but he can’t fucking control it so sure he can turn all the knights’ armor pink or sneeze and make it start to rain (which is a LITTLE SCARY) but like, other than randomly floating or random bursts of managing to control it in high pressure situations, it’s like. not that useful. again i can’t be clear enough he isn’t really donkey it’s just an excuse to have him travelling with raphael. i guess simon would be donkey if i were going for serious but then they’d both be in love with maia so--

also, twi magnus and raphael? fun interaction time. especially since I’m still basically doing canon maiaphael and not trying to mess with twi, there, so like. he’s kind of trying to get out of his shell more but he cares deeply about raphael (and. well. everyone) already and he juts wants to help

and then he meets the dragon guarding maia’s tower and is immediately like….. damn……… no not getting distracted by this

but the dragon, twi alec, is just like HEY THERE PRETTY BOY ;D and like. they don’t even have to fight the dragon raphael just. walks past while they make heart eyes at each other and when alec realizes they’re walking away with maia he’s just like “ok whatever but magnus you better come back and visit sweetheart I’m gonna make you the prettiest necklace and I can find you some old books on magic, I’m sure I’ve got some in my hoard somewhere—”

meanwhile on the way back magnus is kind of pining after alec but also getting a stronger handle on his magic

and raphael is getting to know the princess

and maia is getting to know raphael (she was NOT expecting a vampire and a warlock, but they’re both incredibly nice and she was REALLY REALLY BORED in that tower) and just like…. you know,,,,,,, romance begins to bloom mayhaps

now I don’t know how to like really get across that one of their main commonalities is community, because in this scenario maia wouldn’t have a pack—unless we change canon even more and I’m just not going to rn, but put a pin in that

so like, maybe she really does care about her people and she super is a people person, but she hasn’t had many chances to show that because she’s been fucking locked up and that’s kind of messed with her you know

god you know I want to include jordan and camille here but I wouldn’t even know how to—I imagine jordan could be prince charming but he doesn’t come in until later and ehhh

so like raphael (and also magnus) are really helping her with that

and she’s also helping him be less closed off and… angry isn’t quite right, but like. she kind of helps both of them open up tbh. not to erase magnus’s friends but also I love a good magnus and maia friendship? but like she’s not afraid to start conversations or ask them questions or listen to their stories (and they listen to hers which is nice because she’s been talking mostly to walls and stuffed animals for a while now and books are great but it’s not the same)

and like she’s free not to have to act like a perfect delicate princess, but she’s also free to be vulnerable and soft too you know

so like okay also lord farquaad or however you spell it I don’t care is jace. I mean obviously annoying lord tiny penis is jace. duh. (oh my god does this mean alec eats jace--?)

and like idk this is a very scattered concept—I’m not sure these communication kings would really do the main plot of shrek where an overheard misunderstood snippet of conversation leads to such a huge conflict but I mean if he was really just beginning to open up to her and then he thought she thought downworlders were disgusting or whatever (wait no that wouldn’t work because she can’t say vampires but she can’t be saying that to magnus, either—fuck I don’t know like I said it needs reworking to fit) he could be devastated enough to just be like well fuck it

AND LIKE AGAIN. DRAGON ALEC. EATS JACE. amazing. everyones like “raphael is your friend... fucking a dragon” and raphael is like “please never say those words to me again” and alec’s like (in human form, they don’t realize he’s the dragon even tho raphael does) “actually a dragon is fucking raphael’s friend” and raphael is like shut the fuck up right now

idk I feel like a lot of details make it not work but the overall concept could be fun as hell, probably mostly as a crack au

god I just wanted a fairy tale au. soft princess maia, young hero raphael, kindly wizard magnus. goin’ on a quest. savin’ people. is that too much to ask for???

my brain says yes.

#maiaphael #maia roberts #raphael santiago #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #shadowhunters #im so sorry #i just wanted to do a maiaphael post for ur maiaphael blog but i made this abomination and i would not blame you if you didn't reblog it

5 notes · View notes

metalempire · 7 years

Photo

so using the digimon picker i was able to find my top 20 favourite digimon it seems. the list itself reads right to left and goes in descending order, so i’m going to list them off in ascending order and give reasons as to why they got on the list it seems. a noticable trend on this list is dark themed, red coloured or metallic digimon.

20. scorpmon

it’s no surprise i like appmon and i do like that scorpmon harkens back to digimon designs by being edgy and having guns, plus he’s purple.i like the cameramon line so far and i liked the fight he had with dogatchmon.

19. infernmon

one of my more favourite perfect level designs, i like that his mouth has a gun hidden in it and i loved how it was in our war games. honestly its got that kind of uncanny look on its face that makes it look both evil and cunning yet not hostile. its just a design i really appreciate, plus it looks cute when it tucks its limbs in,

18. dogatchmon

i like gatchmon and navimon, so combining their designs makes something i like. no brainer really. he gets alot of good fight scenes and whatnot in appmon and honestly he looks pretty sleek yet compact. not too much to say here he’s a more basic design in appmon i appreciate for not being too silly or edgy.

17. omegamon alter-b

out of all his numerous forms, this is the omegamon im most attached to, specifically because of next-0rder. i like the idea of swapping the weapons and imbuing it with darkness and letting it run wild, as well as being an alter evolution, it just looks really cool and was a great fight in the game as well. plus its just got a cool name.

16. millenniumon

i always thought its previous form as kimairamon was a clusterfuck of colours, yet had potential as a design. so dampening those colours to darker greys, blacks and a little blue accented with that yellow and blue aura with those sick mugen cannons on it help bring the design together really, plus it looks thinner and meaner than its perfect form.

15. leviamon

my favourite demon lord. i like marine life that can kill you and has teeth. plus im a very envious person, so this thing stuck with me, especially since he’s the most different looking out of the demon lords. i just like the idea of a giant crocodile being the second most powerful among the demon lords with a mouth big enough to rip a building in half if he wanted to. plus having two tails is cute.

14. chaosdukemon

honestly the uses of dull purples, blues and a shade of grey thats not quite black and not steel coloured either makes a very subtly impressive design, one that would convey dread over terror. im particularly fond of how its shield looks to be honest.

13. herakleskabuterimon

the only one who doesnt quite fit the theme of this list too well. huh. either way i think the tentomon line is a decent one only upstaged by a few others in adventure as it goes, yet ends up being my favourite ultimate from tri when all the kids get ultimate evolutions. i do like how it has a few nods to kuwagamon and has enough going on yet stays simple by using a mostly one colour. it looks powerful without trying too hard and i feel like i can respect this thing.

12. megidramon

i consider this to be guilmon’s true ultimate really and it does look quite terrifying. it has acidic saliva, hellfire themed design, elements of megalogrowlmon such as the arm blades and looks like a scary dragon rather than a dinosaur. i also like its lack of legs for some reason. when i imagine the digital hazard this thing first comes to mind, because it looks like a menace to any digimon really. its a woefully underused design and one that sticks with me to this day as something that really stood out in tamers.

11. megaseadramon

seadramon’s design was simple but not memorable really. megaseadramon has a much more effective design, using colours that mesh better, i like that its hair looks like algae and i like the metal twisted horn that shoots lightning, hearkening back to betamon. i also find it kind of cute, its slender and looks like it’d probably kill you on sight and i kind of like its demented eyes.

10. diablomon

yaoi hands. i like how diabolical this thing looks, it has wild eyes, a villain’s hairstyle and a nice way of walking that reminds you its kind of a bug but not really. those long arms that just whip around to slap you just add to it really when paired with its comparatively little legs. again our war games plays into how much i like this thing, since it was fast, cunning and powerful. quite alot for whats essentially the personification of the y2k bug.

9. globemon

red google daddy. fuck me this is the first appmon design i’d probably fuck. just look at him, sleek, tall, strong shiny. he moves in a very exaggerated fashion and is so laughably overpowered in concept that he can basically attack the entire earth with one move. i like the use of lasers and lights in his design and that he replaces most of the white and green from dogatchmon with timemon’s bright gold to look kind of regal yet commanding.

8. alphamon

best waifu. something about them hips man.... anyway, alphamon is probably op as shit for being able to rewind time and blast apart dexdorughoramon with one attack, as well as having a sword made of light and whatever the fuck an ouryuken is. its got a wide arsenal and pulls off a great black knight look, i like that its the leader of the royal knights who’s never actually there, just existing to control them if need be. x-evolution and cyber sleuth really helped endear me to alphamon, its so cool and smooth looking.

7. hagurumon

the only child level on this list, hagurumon is adorable. its essentially thee gears sellotaped together with a crooked smile. it also has one eye thats covered by a circle and one eye with a spiky circle for variety. its just so cute, it fits exactly into what i find adorable, the way it moves, the way it smiles, the industrial look it has. it’s got a place in my heart as my favourite child level for just being unconventially adorable.

6. chaosdramon

considering it’s the evolution to another digimon on this list, it wins a spot by virtue of sharing a similar design, yet adapting it. its got eyes now and even though its black skin is actually cyber in some ways, looking some cool matrix shit, it makes it look more like a dragon/dinosaur wearing red digizoit armour. i do like how it has the same weapons as its prior stage, yet they do look noticeably different, i like the return to the classic dreadnought cannons that slowly snap forward and fire one colossal blast. the whole thing looks ready to go and kill.

5. megadramon

arguably my favourite perfect level, megadramon has a classical design to me. its got that cyborg reptile thing going on that i love, its got a little tattoos, tattered wings, a metal helmet and those two missile launchers for hands. it looks ferocious and there’s enough going there to look at plus its one of the rarer instances where colours that clash a bit look kind of fitting for me. i’d like t imagine it curled up asleep sometime.

4. lordknightmon

pink’s a good colour, knights are good. lordknightmon is therefore good. i love this thing as a character, someone who will do anything if the ends justify the means, so much untapped potential for conflict with the royal knights and with itself. its good villain, but also a food hero, plus its flashy and vain, which i find entertaining. i like the elegant design alot and the fact its pink. sexy.

3. dukemon

i think everyone fell in love with dukemon the first time they saw it. it’s a timeless design, perfect uses of red and white. the weapons it has just look so good together, its body looks just right, its pretty much captivating in a way thats unique to the viewer yet always universal in that sense. i like its concept too, it tamed the digital hazard and instead used its power to protect the digital world as a holy knight instead of destroy it, even its personal justice seems to be that ones deeds determine your fate and that life is always precious. i also like that its a bit of a rebel among the royal knights once it starts thinking. be real, we’d all marry dukemon.

2. metalseadramon

i like metal digimon, i like megaseadramon. combine the two and i’m signed up lads. in a way, i find this thing really cute, hard to explain, not gonna bother. i also really like how its nose is now a giant laser cannon because it must have one hell of a sneeze. honestly though this thing is so majestic looking, its got the hair, the gold and silver metal design, the wires and pipes, all of it slenderly put together on a sleek serpent of the seas, its so beautiful in a way, a design that just comes together perfectly.

1. mugendramon

anyone who follows me is not surprised at all that this is my favourite. i adore this thing. i love that its a combo of several perfect level digimon’s cyborg parts meshed together into one incredible machine of death and destruction. honestly i consider it the best designed digimon of all time. there’s so much going on but its not a clusterfuck, everything links together so well, you can really tell its machine digimon made to be the best of the best, taking so much that worked before and amplifying it. i like cyborgs and i like robots, so this thing hits all the notes for me while still trying to look like a monster, like a mechanical chimera that looks like it fits, like all the parts were meant to be put together to assemble this glorious machine. i love its wide variety of weapons and attacks, and that its essentially a digimon who runs on malice, that it petty much exists just to fuck up everything in sight. i’ll never forget the one analogman used at the end of digimon world 1 and i love the idea that it as the first ultimate, that because of this thing so many digimon rapidly began to change and try to reach its level of power. this thing definites the level its at, that all digimon going from perfect to ultimate should use this thing as a goal of sorts, to reach its sheer level of power. and its withstood the test of time, with so many digimon at the ultimate level being so strong in their own ways, this thing can still go toe to toe with the best of them. its a raw classic that just cant be beaten in my eyes, its always going to be my favourite really. i love it.

#Digimon #long post

13 notes · View notes

auralaet-blog · 7 years

Text

Human!Elly x Zen

So my friend @love-elizabeth-the-3rd posed me the question of how human!Elizabeth the 3rd and Zen would end up together. Now before I go into this, it started out because she’s trying to rp as Elizabeth. But as I’m sure you can predict, it’s REALLY hard to do anything significant in an rp as a cat. So we started fleshing stuff out. Here’s a bit of our conversation:

Me:

And Seven's like teaching Elly all these things like how to game

And how to do all of these silly things

And Jumin's like, "THAT'S NOT PROPER. AND STOP CALLING HER ELLY. HER NAME IS ELIZABETH THE THIRD. E- LIZ-A-BETH THE THIRD. DON'T YOU FORGET IT."

And then he sweeps Elly away from Seven

"Elizabeth, you need to stay away from Seven. He's nothing but trouble. True, he is exceptionally talented, but he's also completely out of line! Young ladies like you shouldn't have to be doing things like this! If you wanted some entertainment, I or V can take you to the theater. Amusement parks aren't proper for young ladies!"

Elly:

Omfgggggggggg

>w<Im loving this kldjfakdfja

You write it so on point omg

Me:

lol That's just how I'd imagine human!Elly universe

Like... I don't want to change things too much from the canonSo I just adjust a little of it

To fit her being human

I think that Jaehee dislikes having to "babysit" her because she's so naive and just innocently curious so she's always prying into things.

And it's so distracting to Jaehee

And Jaehee's like YOUR FRIEND IS STILL MAKING ME WORK YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN WHY DO I HAVE TO BABYSIT YOU?!

Elly:

looool omg poor Jaehee, at least she doesn't have to deal with cat fur

Me:

lol Yeap. I haven't decided if I'd incorporate something else in there instead.

Maybe Elizabeth doesn't really know how to deal with perfume so she douses herself with it because she figures if a little smells good, then a LOT will smell fantastic.

And because of that, it's just ALL OVER JAEHEE'S HOUSE

Like... you can track Elizabeth through the house by that perfume

And maybe Zen's allergic to the perfume

And it drives him nuts because he sees her as just another Jumin

And doesn't realize that she's just ridiculously innocent and naive because Jumin is so overprotective

So that’s where we started... and then she asked me about human!Elly x Zen. I’m putting this below because I started and it just grew to huge proportions. Keep reading if you’re interested. Apparently she found it entertaining and asked me to post it, so here we are!

lol Zen x Elly is hilarious Because they'd literally get together because they keep being thrown into contact with each other And there's so much miscommunication at first And Elly just wants everyone to like her And then there's Zen, who is nice to everyone (except Jumin, wth?) And for whatever reason, he avoids her like the plague And finally she corners him and asks him about it And he explodes And then they end up so mad at each other So she tries to not talk to him But at the same time, she can't help but be drawn to him He's so lively and energetic So different from the cold world that she's used to Somehow whenever they're in the same room together with a crowd, they end up near each other. As for Zen At first he thought she was just another Jumin Stuck up trust fund kid But Jaehee asks him to help her out and escort Elly to something because she needed to get some work done And being sympathetic because the trust fund kid overworks Jaehee, he agrees But Elly chooses to go to an orphanage and spend time there with the kids Then she drops by a food bank And then she stops by a community center And Zen is just CONFUSED THIS IS NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED WHERE IS THE RICH GIRL!? Their last stop was at an animal shelter Elly remembers Zen's allergy and tells him that it's fine to stay outside And he's just like... wat? You remembered that?

And then she looks at him confused like, "Yes? Why is that unusual?" Then goes into the shelter Zen's just sitting there in the car really confused and rethinking his original assumptions And then she comes back out of the shelter in a completely separate change of clothes, just as designer as her outfit earlier. And Zen's like, "Oh. I'm not wrong. She's still just a trust fund kid" And he makes a snide remark about her not being able to handle getting her clothes dirty And she gets mad at him as they're driving back Because she changed clothes because she didn't want the fur on her clothes to cause him to start sneezing And so she tells him off and then stomps out of the car, heading back up to her apartment And he's just stunned She was THAT worried about him? And then he starts making efforts to start seeing her more often He's so confused But she's not having ANY of it She doesn't want to see him She doesn't want to deal Because the last time she tried to be nice, he gave her crap He keeps throwing these labels onto her without even knowing her Finally, Zen manages to convince Seven and Jaehee to help him out because he just CANNOT get her out of his head Jaehee took a lot of convincing But Seven was down because anything to get Elly out to have more fun and freedom was good for him! Besides the challenge of breaking past Jumin's security was great Jumin had noticed that Elly had become a lot quieter and wasn't as bright And logically he concluded, based on Zen's constant questions after her, that it was Zen's fault. FINALLY, Jaehee asks Zen to help her go pick up Elly from a charity ball that she'd gone to. Zen, determined to impress, puts on a nice suit and shows up at the ball to pick her up. Only he's stunned when he gets there He'd always thought she was a princess, but he'd meant that as in she was spoiled But this? She's stunning BEAUTIFUL

And just like that, any reservations that he may have had before is gone. He's in love. Done. Only... she thinks he hates her and she hates him for all of his original presumptions What does he do? He wants to be by her side. The time where she was avoiding him just felt dark... He doesn't want that. Elly hates to admit it, but she kind of misses Zen He seemed to understand more of these emotions that Jumin and her parents felt were childish She'd enjoyed that day out with him. He'd been good company... until the end there. That was exactly the problem though. He thought she was just a spoiled little rich girl. That she was so one dimensional. He never even gave her a chance. It wasn't worth her while So she's waiting to leave the charity ball and one of her father's coworkers came over and stood by her, flirting with her. She tried to politely decline, but he just wouldn't take a hint And that's when Zen finds her At first he's stunned But then he sees the guy hitting on her And it drives ALL of his protective instincts NUTS He charges in there and tells the guy off and drags Elly away, guiding her into the car And just driving away He's so frustrated and annoyed and he just drives Elly's so confused by his actions, but can see the tension rising off of him

So she's quiet because Zen just seems super volatile. And finally the car stops.

They're in Zen's special spot

And Zen gets out of the car and is just pacing like CRAZY

He doesn't know what to say, but he's gotta say something

HOLY COW IS THIS KIDNAPPING?!

BUT I WANNA TELL HER THAT I'M SORRY AND I ACTUALLY LOVE HER

But come on

Be smooth!

You're Zen!

No problem!

Yeah. He blurts out that he's in love with her and he's sorry that he was such a jerk

<.<

Smooth

Real smooth, Zen

And then he's just EMBARRASSED

Because he meant to show her that he was someone she could rely on

But all she's seen are the bad sides of him

But she comes over and hugs him

And tells him that she's been feeling the same way, but she can't do anything about being rich.

Her family just is and she's not going to throw it away when she could be using her high profile name to get attention to these societal problems

And Zen confesses about his family, how hard it's been

How much he misses them

Wants them to accept him and his dreams, but they just wanted a perfect lawyer or doctor son

They end up spending the entire night there, just sitting on the car and talking.

lol Up there all dressed up fancy

And in the morning, he drops her off at her apartment, kissing her hand and asking if she'd be willing to go out with him, to give him a chance.

She's a princess and deserves the world and he's just a flawed and rusty knight in shining armor, but would she PLEASE just give him a chance

And of course, she says yes.

After that, they start dating

Of course, right off the bat, they have to deal with Jumin

Because dear lord, SHE IS PRECIOUS AND YOU DO NOT TOUCH HER ZEN'

STAY AWAY FROM HER

Elly has to intervene and tell Jumin that this is HER life to live and that she loves him like a brother but that doesn't give him the right to control her life

V just wants her happy

Jaehee is SO RELIEVED

Because now, Jumin's not going to tell her that she has to watch over Elly like Elly's a child

And Seven and Yoosung are stoked because now they have the freedom to drag Elly to ALL the fun places

Like AMUSEMENT PARKS

Jumin was not amused

As for Zen and Elly? It took a while and there were more misunderstandings and it was weird to mesh their lives together since they were such high profile people

But they managed

And now, Jumin comes over to visit his "niece" and Zen tries to deal with it, but every so often just kicks Jumin out of the house

"GO GET A CAT AND STOP COMING TO HANG ALL OVER ELLY AND MY DAUGHTER"

And their daughter is just the darling of the RFA

She has white hair from her parents

And the most unique purple eyes, a combination of Elly's blue and Zen's red eyes

And she is the sweetest and most understanding girl in the world

They teach her that money is power, but it's power that you can and should use for others

That you can look good, but you still need to be kind and giving

And every day, Zen is determined to prove to Elly how much he loves her. His armor is less rusty now. It's shinier

And now covered with hearts drawn on by his daughter and wife

THE END

#human!Elly x Zen #MM #headcanon?

14 notes · View notes

bigsnzstanacct · 5 years

Text

The King’s New Allergy (1-3/5ish I think?)

Okay this is the last one I’m gonna post for a bit I think. Male, Mer/lin fanfic if you squint maybe, not quite gigantic sneezes but also WILDLY unrealistic in volume.

---

I. The Night Watch

“Ha-ehhhh… ehhhhhh… hHHEEEEHHHHHhhh…”

I could practically see the castle walls shaking. I was on the king’s watch, posted just outside his bedchamber. Ordinarily the night’s watch over the king’s chamber was an uneventful, easy enough job. But that was ordinarily. And these were hardly ordinary circumstances.

“hheeeEEHHH! EEEHH! HEH! HEHH! HEHHH!”

“ ‘ere he goes again…” complained Caspian, the guard assigned the watch with me, rolling his eyes, and covering his ears, for all the good it’d do. “Whole castle’ll be wakin’ up five hours early in three… two…”

I did likewise, covering my ears in preparation for the explosion.

“HUUUUUUUHHHHHH…”

“…one…”

“HUUURRRRRRRRRSSSSCCCCHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” The king fairly roared.

I heard more than one started yelp in the aftermath of the king’s sneeze. But those were faint, only perceptible to an elite guard like myself, trained to notice all manner of slight, subtle noises. The king’s sneeze, however, was neither slight, nor subtle. It was a veritable war-cry. Worse than a war-cry, I myself had heard the king’s war-cry and it had nothing on his all-consuming, castle-awakening, sleep-destroying…

“HHHHHAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRSSCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEYYYYYY!!!” Our Vesuvial monarch erupted again, adding an involuntary—surely involuntary, he SWORE up and down it was involuntary—scream to the end, in case the body of the noise hadn’t been sufficient.

“How long y’think ‘e goes on this time, Damien?” Caspian asked, nodding towards me.

Frankly, on the strength of that first wall-rattling sneeze, he was either going to blast the irritation out in four or five full-strength sneezes, or else…

“Sounds like ‘is nose is tickled right good, my friend.” I confessed, shaking my head, “I’m afraid it’ll be a long night for all of us. We’re in for more fits tonight. And he’ll be in a right mood in the morning. It don’t let him sleep anymore than it does the rest of us. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this allergy of the King’s was more than an allergy…”

“AAAAAAAAEEEERRRRRRRRRRSSCCCCHHHHHHHHUUUUHHHHHHHH!!” The nasal bombardments continued, that one less vocal, more nasal, still a wall of sound that surely awoke what precious-few castlefolk had managed to cling to sleep through his first two sneezes.

“Arrrggghhhhh… and you know if ‘e sneezes all nigh’, ‘e’ll prob’ly sneeze half the day too… that’ll be no sleep for us either.”

“Says you,” I replied, “I sleep down in the lower town.”

“You’re telling me, you can’t hear those great big galumphing—“

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

“That. You’re telling me you can’t hear that down in the lower town?”

“Well, of course you can. But you know my brother does a bit of the…” I wiggled my fingers a bit, to indicate the forbidden: magic.

“Warded the house ‘ave you? Smart one.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Caspian, you can still hear ‘im if it’s a really big one. But it’s faint, an’ I’m a plenty heavy sleeper when I want to be.”

“HaahHHH… AHHH-HHOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRSSCCCHHHHHHHH!!”

“Gods, that was a big one!” Caspian exclaimed, “Even after all this time, ‘e still shocks me with how big they are. I know it’s a whole ‘thing’ with the royals, the whole sneezing like the thunder thing. Lord knows the princess could rattle the walls good before they married ‘er off to whatever kingdom she’s gone to, but…”

“EEEEHHHHHHTTTSSSSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“But even Princess Eleanor couldn’t compare to this,” I finished for him. And it was true, she couldn’t. None of them could. In fact, before this whole… thing started happening, I’d personally thought the whole “descended of Jupiter with sneezes of the thunder” thing was a great crock of shite. Not that I blamed them of course; royals had to have some mystique to maintain their legitimacy, and the gods know I’d worked under worse kings as a sell-sword, before I found my place here. But still, seemed like another load of royal horseshit. Until a fortnight prior, when the king had been plagued with the most terrible allergy that seized upon him and wrung out of him sneezes that seemed fit to wake the dead… or perhaps to rival the thunder in their volume and violence. It hadn’t been so bad, the first few days. But after that first night, when the allergy refused to leave him, even in his sleep, awaking the king with the most awful irritations—who subsequently woke the entire castle with the most awful sternutations—the people of the castle had been less than enthusiastic, turning to barely-concealed rage. Lack of sleep did that to a castle. It wasn’t every night, of course, and it wasn’t as though the king sneezed constantly through the night, but… it was certainly enough to set the entire castle on edge. And this, the third night in a row? Well, blessed be the gods for gainful employment solely at night.

“AAAAARRRRRCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” The king thundered again.

“That one sounded tuckered out!” Caspian exclaimed, “y’think that means he’ll taper off soon?”

I shook my head. “It was a bit smaller than his usual but… mark me, we’ve got plenty left in this fit of his. If the gods are kind—“

“HHEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR-CCCHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” And there was the loudest sneeze yet, perhaps the loudest I’d heard from him since the whole business began. I nearly jumped in fright, and poor Caspian leapt fully into the air. He was only lucky he stifled his squeal of shock—more than one guard had already been replaced for reacting too noisily to the king’s eruptions. Poor thing. I think it embarrassed the king. He was already suffering, he didn’t need the reminder of how much he was inconveniencing everybody else with his inability to get a hold of his accursed, enormous, explosive, seizing sinuses…

“AAAAAAEEEEEEEEESSSSSCCCCCHHHHHHHHUUUHHHHHH!!”

“If the gods are kind, we’re halfway through. If not… for all we know this fit’ll go straight into the second and we’ll barely get a reprieve for thirty minutes.”

“Gods, I don’t know how you do it.” Caspian said, shaking his head at me, and clutching at his chest, trying to recover from the fright the king had given him. “They really weren’t this bad, during the war? I know you fought in his unit, back when ‘e was just the prince.”

“Oh, well… ‘e sneezed plenty big back then too. Woke us up more than once, tho half the time I think it was on purpose. It was always suspiciously close to time to march. But that…” I shook my head, “that was a bunch of soldiers, sleeping light and sleeping rough, ready for action at any time—you know he had us on the dangerous route, aroun’ through that forest—and sure, ‘e was loud but this is—“

“HHAAAAAAAAA-SHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“This is different. This is worse than I’ve ever heard ‘im, by far. I heard tell in the old days, if ‘e caught cold, you could hear him, real faint, down in the kitchens. But not like… you know old Caliphrea said it sounded to her like he was right next to her bedside. First night she woke up all ready to curtsey and ask what the king was doin’ in ‘er bedchambers!” I chuckled.

“You don’t think…?” Caspian said, looking at me meaningfully and giving a little wiggle to his fingers.

At last he’d got it. I’d been hinting around at it for a while, but. It wasn’t wise to speak too openly about these things. A little enchantment of a bungalow in the lower town, sure. The occasional herbal pick-me-up, a little help with the chores… that much was fine to speak about. That much had changed, since the bad old days, where magic was concerned. But this? Speculating that the king had been ensorcelled? Especially with something like this, something so close to the mythology that had always surrounded the crown? To attribute it to anything other than the king’s royal blood and manly fortitude (at least in earshot of any of the nobility) was unwise, to say the least. But now that he’d said it, I could reveal a bit more of my thoughts.

“HAAAEEEESSSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!! AEEEEESSCCCCHHHOOOOOOOOO!! HUUHHH… AAAATTTTTTTTTT-CCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!”

Or, at least, I could if the king stopped sneezing long enough for me to be heard over the din. And to think this was only his first fit of the night…

— II. The Head Cook

“EEEEEEAAAAAACCCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

Thank the gods I hadn��t bothered to attempt sleep. Five nights running, and my old bones, and my bad health, I think the king’s sneeze might have shocked me into an early grave! Saints and heavens, louder than ever! And the gods know the king would never forgive himself for that, would probably set that sorcerer of his—not that the king’s manservant was to be referred to as a sorcerer, and wasn’t that peculiar, though it’s hardly the first not-entire-secret-secret that’s gone around this old castle, including the nasty business about the king’s own mother… oh dear me I’m rambling. Well in any case, I’d die of fright, he’d send down the sorcerer to save me and before I knew it I’d find myself an undead cook, cursed to make the king’s favorite pastries for all eternity. Which, after some consideration, doesn’t sound all that bad, especially if the sorcerer fixed my aching hip. I quite like making pastries.

“Ms Caliphrea… ’e’s off again!” Tarran said, as she shuffled into the kitchen, still in her nightgown, looking harried and upset. I should never have told that girl she was my favorite of the maids—she was always seeking me out, more and more since the King’s booming sneezes had started up. She was a sweet girl, but somehow in the evenings she never had the energy to help me mix dough and cut tarts.

“Worse ’n last night!” I said, commiserating as I poured the milk and sugar in with the flour, shortly before the king proved me right with a great thundering

“HHHHHHHAAAEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSHHHHH!!!”

You really could hear him just as clear as bell, as if he’d been right next to me. Though clear as a bell might’ve been something of an understatement. The king’s sneezes—

“HHHERRRRRRRRAAAAAAASSSCCCCHHHHHEEEWWWWW!!!”

—were more like standing inside a great cathedral bell as it was being rung, filling your whole head with sound, resounding and resounding til it was all you could even think of. At least, that’s what they were like lately. The good King’s never been a quiet sneezer, that I can say with a great deal of confidence. Even when he was still the Prince and not a crowned and holy King, he’d still sneeze loud enough that I could hear down in the kitchens. Of course, then his chamber was right above the kitchens, even if a few floors of the castle above. And it was loud, true. (Although I might exaggerate the tale a bit, that’s my right as a matriarch of this castle!) But back then he wasn’t being heard in the lower town, I know that; no one sneezes that loud. Or no one did, because these days…

“EEEEEEEAAAACCCCCCHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HAAAAAACCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HHHHAAAEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Auuggghhh…” Tarran moaned, “I’m just so tiiiiiiired, mum. I don’t mean to complain but…” She flopped down onto the counter, rather dramatically. I must’ve been tired myself because I’d ordinarily scold her for such behavior, but I just nudged her over a bit, so I could get at the rolling pin. The first dough, that I’d made earlier in the night, would be rested and ready to roll out soon.

“But it’s just… does the King have to sneeze so loudly?” she whined, “I’m half-deaf, mum! And my sis, she works in the stables and she says it frights the horses so they’ve got to keep someone to the stables all the time and if his sneezin’ didn’t wake the stablehands as much as it does the horses…”

“He can’t help it, you know that,” I said, giving her a gentle pat on the head. “If he would, he could. The King loves his people. You know he’d do anything to make things better for us. I’ll bet the king has tried five or six times to exile himself til he gets his sneezing under control. But we need him here—”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-EEEERRRRRRRRSSSSCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“MERCY!” I yelped, “that was a loud one even for ‘im! Must’ve been brewing in there for a while… now what was I saying, Tarran?”

“Blah blah blah he’s a good king and he loves us and we need him here. I don’t care, mum, I just wanna sleep!”

“Now Tarran—”

“HHHEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRSSCCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!”

The king sneezed again, with a scream at the end that rattled like the thunder. In fact, that’s exactly what it sounded like, like the King was a one-man storm, like a clap of thunder…

“Mum?” Tarran asked, tapping at my shoulder. “Mum, you were saying?”

“I was… I was saying…”

“HEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” The King sneezed again.

“Tarran. Tarran, have I ever told you the tale of our royal family and the great gods of Olympus?”

“The great who’s of a-what-ness??”

“The gods of Olympus… Jupiter, the King of the gods. Our royal family is descended from the god of…”

“AAAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEESSSSSCCCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Louder still. It seemed that the King’s roars were louder than thunder, louder than ever…

“Tarran… in the morning… go and fetch the physician, will you? Tell him that old Caliphrea wants to see em. Tell ‘im it’s important, and to come right away.”

“YYYEEEEEESSSCCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HEEEESSCCHHOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAARRRREEESCCCHHHHH!!! HEESSCCCCHHHH!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYEEEEEESSCCCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“Oh by the gods!” Tarran exclaimed. “How is he doing that? If I sneezed that loud I’d… I’d blow up! It’s impossible! D’ye hear that mum? How are any of us supposed to sleep with the King storming away up there…”

I put an arm around her, going back to rolling out my dough before cutting it and putting it in the oven. The storm was over for now, you could always tell after a big fit of sneezes like that. “There there child. Run along now and catch some sleep before he starts up again. You know the King’s manservant has been called back to the castle; between him and that old physician of ours, we’ll have the King fixed right up in no time, isn’t that right?”

“Yes mum. I’m sorry… I don’t mean to speak ill of the King I’m just… I’m just so tired…”

“So run along now, and get your rest. Odds are he’ll start up again before the sun rises. Get in your winks while you can.”

“Yes mum. I hope it’s a long time before he starts up again this time. Me poor ears can’t take much more!” She whined, giving one last forlorn look back at me before she slunk back to her chambers for a bit of rest.

For me, I had plotting to do. I knew the old physician knew of the stories, the legend of the power of Jupiter and all that. All us of a certain age knew the fairytale. But not all have been in this castle as long as I have. Not all remember how the stories can come true. And besides, I had baking to do! And he was going to start up again soon. If I needed my rest, I’d take it during the day while the maids spread the food throughout the castle. Of course, the King had taken to sneezing more and more during the day as well… but with any luck, between my old stories and the physician, and the King’s sorcerer heading back this way… hopefully our nightly disruptions—and our exhausted King—would be set right soon enough.

“Sneezin’! Of all things, sneezin’!” I chuckled to myself, “Well, wonders never cease around here. I’ve certainly seen worse.” I murmured as I cut the dough and carried it towards the ovens. — Bugger. Blighter. Codswollop. Addlepate. Nincompoop. Stubborn old never-changing know-it-all arrogant clotpole of a king!

“AAAAEEEEEEEESSSSCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

And damn near the most attractive man in the whole history of the planet!

It was enough that he’d lied, said he was fine, said it was just a little allergy, said it was no worry at all if I went out on a quest, said he’d deal with it, said he’d solve the issue just fine on his own… and never even bothered to think that he might keep up the entire kingdom! That was all enough, but that the problem I was now—finally—called upon to solve was so gods damned distracting…

“HHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Bloody hell, they’ve gotten louder! Ohhh, you don’t know how much you’re helping me with this sleeping draught, er, I mean, this sleeping medicine." The old villager assured me. And ordinarily I would be gracious and more than glad to help but right now all I could offer him was a distracted,

“Oh, yes, of course, uh…”

For all I knew, he was nattering on in the background, joking about the draught or magic or the sneezes but oh the sneezes were all I could focus on, all I could think about, waiting for the next one to strike wondering how each one was impossibly louder than the last, standing on edge, hoping I’d be able to hide my reaction to the next gigantic, impossible, ridiculous, practically supernatural:

“WWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEYYYYYY!!”

“Bloody hell, he’s putting me on!” The words leapt from my throat before I could contain them but by all the gods if it didn’t seem like he was making them louder, more vocal, more desperate just for me…

I had to get out of here, preferably without visibly adjusting myself.

“Alright, so nice to talk to you but I’m afraid I’ll have to go, of course I’m glad to help you, as the King’s Right Hand it’s my duty to help everyone in the kingdom but especially our beloved capitol citizens and..”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAASSSSHHHH-HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“Oh by all the gods that was a bellow, he’s practically roaring them…” I bit my fist. Apparently whatever cursed robbed him of control of his nose left my mouth similarly uncontrollable. Who would have thought I’d ever have a secret to conceal from the people more than the magic? And yet, here I was shuffling out of a house, grateful for once for the abundance of robes our damned “apothecary” insisted I wear, because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could restrain myself from reacting to the constant eruptions coming from the throne room, where I knew he was attempting to hold court, but couldn’t because his nose, his beautiful nose, his itching, twitching, out-of-control, world wonder of a nose wouldn’t let him conduct state business, was more demanding, more powerful even than a king, forcing him to surrender every few moments to another magically-amplified:

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

He was always a loud sneezer. I wouldn’t say that was the first thing that attracted him to me. No, that wouldn’t even be true. But I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t notice it either. He’d get colds, back when I was his manservent, and I would tend to him and try so hard to pretend every great galumphing roar of a sneeze didn’t make me want to swoon. And the servants, the kitchen staff, even the knights would laugh and joke that he had the sneezes of thunder, that they could hear him all over the castle and into the lower town, well… it might have been a joke then, but it certainly wasn’t now. Neither the range of his boistrous sternutations, nor their thunderous source.

“AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Gods!” I cried out, unable to restrain it. The townsfolk would think, there goes the King’s Right Hand, as annoyed with him as the rest of us are. But annoyance was as far from my mind as the King was from his senses when he sent me away, in the midst of what I knew was not some ordinary ailment. Even before they’d grown to their present titanic scope, I knew there was something unusual about this new allergy of his, something stronger, deeper. I almost felt my magic react—of course, I figured it wasn’t exactly my magic that was pulling me to stay with him, care for him. These things can be hard to tell apart. Apparently it was both.

Was it three? Five? Ten? Twelve? Seventeen? more roaring sneezes he released on my walk from the lower town up to the castle? I couldn’t keep track, distracted by how desperately I wanted to go either to him, or to my chambers; to comfort him, or to relieve the ever-mounting tension I felt every time he—

“HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“By the ancient—!” another bitten off curse. It was as though I was walking through a wall of sound. The shockwave of his sneeze felt as though it bodily pushed me back, washed over me like a wave. Was it my magic that was tingling my skin or was it just… me? These things could be hard to tell apart. But no, no time to focus on that. How ironic that this of all things would be the most successful attack on the kingdom in years, practically decades. How could anyone have known between his pride and my predilections, we would find this perhaps the hardest to break of all known curses?

I had trained. Trained ceaselessly, trained til I had control over my magic that I could only have dreamt of as a younger man. (And did, actually). And as such, ordinarily breaking such a curse—powers of the ancient gods notwithstanding—would be… well, if not child’s play, certainly achievable. But as desperately as I focused on the needs of our Kingdom, there was always a tendril, and edge of my dumb desire, that I could not will into the spell. To break a curse like the King’s “allergy,” one bound up in centuries old magics even I knew more by feel than by fact, would take all my concentration, all my will. But I could not bend all my will to the containment of these eruptions he called sneezes, not when there was still a part of me that found nothing in all the world more attractive.

But I had to put that out of my mind as I passed through the castle halls. I was approaching our apothecary’s chambers. My old Druid rival, turned a friend. Still, friend though he might be, I knew better than to trust him with a secret like the real reason I was unable to break this curse—the mockery might literally never end. Still, I had to suppress a shudder when the King sneezed just as I passed by the Audience Chamber, where he was still doing his best to conduct offical business.

“W-we shall not see a rihhHHHH… riiHHHHHHHHHHHH… HIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHHH…”

I couldn’t help my curiosity, couldn’t help but peer in to see a chamber full of petitioners and nobles, scribes and scholars, openly bracing themselves, covering their ears, looking at the King’s working, flaring, twitching nostrils as though they were facing down a lance at a tourney, hunkering down in the hopes that their ears would survive another:

“HHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh by the g-gaaaAHHHH… gods I… I’m s-sorryaaaAAHHHHHH… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSCCCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Damn! No rise in the tahhh… tax… oh…”

He sounded so pitiful, so miserable, so utterly at the mercy of the tickle in his nose. The sneezes sounded as though they were wrenched from him, and I cursed myself for my weakness—surely my love for him ought to be strong enough that all of my being would spare him this suffering. Surely that love ought to outweigh that tendril of silly, foolish desire…

“RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH-EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!”

I couldn’t stand this much longer, caught between the pleasure of the sight and the torment of my powerlessness, not before the King’s new allergy, but before my own stubborn selfishness. Whoever managed to work this curse, to channel the magicks of the King’s bloodline in such a frankly ridiculous way, surely they never could have suspected they would practically grind royal business to a halt, since the king could hardly get through three sentences without succumbing to sneezes that shook the castle to its foundations.

I could only hope that the apothecary had a remedy where I did not. I suspected I was still red in the face when I arrived at his chambers, to see him standing outside, smirking.

“I see you took some time to check on our monarch and his nasal bombardments,” he drawled, smirk never fading.

I could have asked him how precisely he knew I had taken such time, but I knew that was a question I would do decidedly better not to ask. “Yes, I have.” I replied tersely.

“Oh, the King’s Right Hand is too austere and wise for a bit of ribbing from the Court Physician I see. Alright, alright, we’ll play this your way.” He said, as he ushered me into his chambers. I could hear the laugh in his voice, and despite my very firm pledge never to use magic to harm, or for selfish ends, I quite wanted to curse him into silence. Although that would prevent him from telling me about his remedy, assuming he had one.

“Yes, of course, I have a solution. Never thought I’d be the one to solve a magical malady with you around but I suppose this is why it never hurts to have a backup, hm?” He said, mirth still dancing around his eyes. I perhaps would have succumbed to a desire to at least place a mild hex on him but of course, the King intervened with a—

“EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

It would be undignified, and untrue, to say I had to stifle a moan. It was just surprise.

“Ah, I see the typhoon still rages.” He said, looking up at me under coy eyelashes. “Well, it won’t for much longer, as I have devised a solution!”

I wanted to scream at him to get on with it, but frankly I didn’t trust my voice as another great cracking “HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSCCCCCCCCCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” lascerated the air.

“So, we know that you are unable to directly attack this curse. And while there are rituals I could perform—very lengthy and painful rituals which I would not at all enjoy—” his curving lips belied that statement but beyond a raised eyebrow I did not dare comment, “that would separate our King from the ancient Olympian magicks that echo through his bloodline. Oh, pause for thunder!”

“AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

I wanted to ask him how he knew that the King was about to sneeze yet again, but so often with the Druid it was better not knowing.

“In any case, while I could accomplish such a ritual, the consequences on our King’s temperament, abilities, and frankly his sheer dumb luck may be unpredictable. Whatever silly hedgewitch stumbled her way into this curse was dealing in forces far beyond her comprehension or abilities. In all likelihood, all of this involves nothing more than an enchantment on some pollenating plant or other that causes the pollen to excite the Olympian magicks with which our King is imbued. All that energy excited, with nowhere to go, what can it do but release. At this point, the King is probably less responding to an allergy than releasing pure Olympian magick in the only way his body knows how. Which I suppose is better than him manifesting lightning bolts, or perhaps the magic itself tearing him in two. Or three. Or five. Or any number of pieces, really, given the nature of wild mag—”

I was about to interrupt him, to demand he get to the point, but of course the King’s nose did it for me: “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

That one seemed to be the loudest yet. Maybe this theory of magic all riled up with nowhere to go was true. And whatever the magic was, it seemed to be more and more riled by the second.

“So!” he said, either brought back on track by the King’s exp,losion or the impatience he saw on my face, “we could track down the agent causing the reaction, which would presumably involve exposing the King successively to every flower that grows in the nearby region to see which most excites the Olympian allergy, rather than the King’s ordinary sensitivities to pollen, which in turn would involve some sort of measure both of magic and of, well volume…” he continued, his smirk back and wider by the second. He wanted some sort of reaction. I wouldn’t give him one. If I could summon a yawn for myself, I would.

“But then again, the exposure might excite the Olympian magicks too much and well we’ve already discussed the possibilities there… in any case, after much thought, I have finally come to the correct conclusion! It will require your assistance, of course, although in a roundabout way, as you seem to experience some sort of… disability… when it comes to this particular magical circumstance. Our issue is that the King’s wild magick needs somewhere to go. So we shall simply tell it to go to you!”

“To me?!” I couldn’t help but blurt. I had done my best to stay stoic during his explanation—any reaction risked revealing too much—but this was too much. “You mean, when the King sneezes… forever, it will… send ancient Olympian magic into me?”

“Well, not forever. Over time it will… hm… it will establish a flow with your magic. A sort of… channel for the magic to travel. So rather than release in a sort of uncontrollable, violent…”

“HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“…that,” he chuckled, “rather than that, if his magic is excited, it will simply flow into your infinite supply of magic, of which it is already, in some sense, a part. And presumably if you are in regular and close contact with the King, which, as his Right Hand you must be, the magic will naturally flow back to him, in gradual, manageable amounts, which shouldn’t cause such a—”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!”

“--dramatic reaction.”

I couldn’t help but lean against the counter for a moment, as I felt my knees give a bit with that last sneeze. I still had reason to doubt the Druid, although his plan made sense. And he truly was an ally, he’d proven that a thousand times over. Still, his alliegence—as he regularly made plain—was not to our King, much less to our Kingdom, and still less to me, in any real way. His alliegance was to prophecies, to the Old Religion, and some role that my magic—not me, but my magic—supposedly played in their Grand Design. But at present I could have given a flying codswollop about a grand design. All I wanted was to be at the King’s side, and sooner rather than later. And I wanted this problem solved. So…

“Alright. How soon can the remedy be prepared?”

“I’ll need a list of herbs…” he said, brandishing a rather long scroll, “how would you like to relive your former days are the physician’s apprentice, and help me gather these? I couldn’t possibly entrust it to anyone else, and it will help the spell for you to have as much proximity to the ingredients as poss—”

I did indulge myself in a bit of magic to summon the scroll from his hand. I may or may not have also indulged myself in sticking my tongue out at him. Which of course only promptly caused me to bite said tongue when another great rushing

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRCCCHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

—resounded through the castle. The Druid’s face remained placid, smirk constant, but I could tell inside he was quaking with laughter.

“Alright, alright, I’ll gather your ingredients. Just… help him. Please.”

“Of course I shall. I am ever at your service.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.” I muttered, as I turned to go, already scanning the scroll for the list of elements needed for this remedy.

“Hm, what was that?”

“HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

“Sorry, couldn’t hear you over all that, gotta go!”

And with that I rushed from the Druid’s chambers. I suspected I heard a chortle through the closed door.

#snz story #snz fic #male allergies #snz fanfic if you squint maybe #not... really gigantic sneezes?#but like still wildly unrealistic and highly fanciful #super loud sneezes I guess?

26 notes · View notes