#'man now that you mention it he hasn't been harassing me either' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 7 months

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Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd

I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)

Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:

I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL

Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.

Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."

The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).

I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.

As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.

Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).

(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).

For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.

But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:

This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.

Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.

Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.

I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).

Addendum:

Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.

Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.

I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.

He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.

It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp dazai #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp comte #ikevamp theo #ikevamp meta #i love how isaac straight up is like #'man now that you mention it he hasn't been harassing me either'#I S A A C 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣#the way i can't stop laughing. and. AND he really said #'omfg...Dazai writes!? on god????? fr??????'#ICE COLD #ISAAC I SWEAR TO GOD NOBODY ACKNOWLEDGES UR SENSE OF HUMOR ENOUGH AND THAT INCLUDES ME #I BEG UR FORGIVENESS APPLE KING #also is it wrong that like #one side of me is entirely capable of acknowledging the gravity of the situation but the other just #is so close to losing it when MC asks Dazai what his writing is abt #and he unironically says 'the death of a clown'#truly gen z would have loved him its tragic he's not here with us #dazai main story route #minnie mumbles #also 🥺 the way comte spoke of him so fondly #my heart is so tender...#i really do love how sincerely he sees his children for who they are #i also love that no matter how much dazai thinks he's unworthy comte never thinks the same T_T #I routinely cry about that scene at the end where he's like '💢young man you better not do anything like that a g a i n.'#tw suicide #tw self-harm #tw suicidal ideation

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munstysmind · 2 years

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BIG STEP - Maddison - An Original Story

WARNING/S: Fear, anxiety, panic attack, mentions of trauma

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY WORK TO BE USED IN ANY CAPACITY

Divider by @firefly-graphics

MAIN MASTERLIST

MADDISON MASTERLIST

please let me know if you would like to be added to a tag list

It's late, or early depending how you look at it. It's after midnight and Chris is exhausted. He's been traveling for the better part of eight hours. All he wants to do is climb into bed and pass out.

"This is you" the Uber driver says, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Great, thank you" he says, grabbing his duffle bag and climbing out. He's met with the fresh night air, Vancouver's fresh night air. He's staying at Maddie's for the weekend. He hasn't seen her since Comic Con and he's missed her, a lot.

He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths before looking at the building in front of him. He can see why she chose it, the feeling of safety it must give her has to be huge, especially since she's on her own here. It has a 24 hour guard at the door, security cameras everywhere and you need a code to enter the building.

A code she's given him. 3094. He punches it into the keypad and opens the door before heading to the elevator. He's nervous, more nervous than he was before their first date if he's being honest. Back then if it didn't work out, it didn't work out. No harm, no foul. But now... now there's a lot more emotions involved. He really doesn't want to fuck this up.

This visit is one of the first "big steps" for their relationship. It's the first time they're spending this sort of time together and he doesn't know what to expect. Or what she's expecting either. Anything could happen. He's prepared just in case but honestly, it's the last thing on his mind. He just wants to spend quality time with the woman he can't stop thinking about.

They had planned for him to stay a few weeks ago but then the article was published and she asked him if they could push it back, needing time and space to process it. He doesn't blame her. He can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for her. Her very private battle has been made public, the entire world now knows what she's gone through.

It makes him so angry that someone has gone out of their way to attack her like this and most likely for monetary gain. He's not a violent man but if the person who's behind this were standing in front of him he would probably break their nose.

He steps out of the elevator and starts walking down the hall, checking the apartment numbers as he goes until he comes upon the door that's undoubtedly hers. The one with the small koala decal hanging off the side of one of the numbers, like it was a tree.

He triple checks her message to make sure he has the right apartment before he takes a deep breath and knocks. He instantly feels his heart starting to pound in his chest. He's more nervous than he realised. He hears light footsteps and two deadbolts turning before the door finally opens.

"Hi" she says with a huge smile. She's been really looking forward to this weekend. It’s given her something positive to focus on amongst the shit show that she’s been dealing with.

"Hi" he replies, a matching smile growing on his face. She stands aside to let him in and as soon as the door closes she wraps herself around him, burying her face in his chest. As he returns her hug, she feels all of the tension leave her body and she melts into him, inhaling his scent as she takes a deep breath.

These last several weeks have been rough, the article has changed everything. She's lost count of the amount of phone calls, emails, DM's she has gotten from media outlets wanting an interview or comment from her. She's denied every single one but it's been constant. She's stressed, more stressed than she's ever been.

On top of all the harassment from the media she's also been going to extra therapy sessions. Her words to Sebastian had scared not only him but her too. She never wants anything like that to leave her mouth again.

"This is a nice welcome" he says, giving her a gentle squeeze. It feels nice to hug her again.

"Mmmmm" she hums, turning her head to rest her ear on his chest. She could stay like this, in his arms, for hours. She lets out a sigh as she lets him go and steps back a little to give him space.

"You OK?" he asks when he sees her, she looks exhausted. Some of it's probably because it's really late and she's likely tired like him but he's pretty sure most of it's because of what's been going on.

"Yeah, just tired" she tells him with a small nod before closing her eyes. She's so tired she could probably fall asleep standing up if given the chance. She lets out a small hum when she feels Chris' arms wrap around her again and she relaxes back into him.

He takes a minute to look around her apartment while he hugs her. After doing a quick once over his eyes fall on her couch. It's massive. He's never seen one like it before. It's a medium toned grey sectional that looks like it's as comfortable as a cloud. It fits the space perfectly, so perfectly it's probably custom built.

The wall behind it is covered with photos in black frames, there has to be at least thirty. The photos vary both in size and contents. Some are posed, some are candids. There’s some of animals, landscapes and even some art. He smiles when he spots the large photo of her talking with Stan Lee on set, remembering how nervous she was to meet him.

"Your apartment's really nice" he says, looking down at her. She still has her eyes closed. One would be mistaken for thinking she's fallen asleep in his arms. She looks up at him with a smile on her face. Even though it's a small apartment, it's something she takes great pride in. She's worked hard to get where she is.

"It's not much but it's mine" she tells him as she pulls away from his embrace. The previous owners had separated and it was on the market for a price so cheap that she decided to take the plunge and purchase in Vancouver with the plan of keeping at as an investment.

Her living expenses had more than halved since moving in with Sebastian. She had gone from paying two lots of rent and a mortgage to one and a half rents and now one mortgage and a half rent.

She had actually been paying Travis' rent for the last six months of their relationship because his roommate had moved out and he couldn't afford it on his own. When she had suggested that they moved in together he had gone off at her claiming she was being controlling, clingy and that he needed his own space.

Looking back it was stupid to pay it, especially when he was making good money, but there was no way of knowing what was going to happen. She did get the last laugh though because she just stopped making his rent payments and when the real estate called to enquire about it she informed them that she wasn't on the lease so it wasn't her responsibility.

"It's cosy" he says. She smiles a little, he's right, her apartment is cosy. She's never thought of it like that before, cosy. She likes it. He looks around again, taking in the shelves next to him full of props and various awards she's won before he spots something behind her that makes his eyes go a little wide.

"Is that a lightsaber?" he asks, pointing to the prop in the clear acrylic display case on top of her TV unit. She nods at him, a grin on her face.

"Is it real?" he asks, walking over to get a better look at it one of her most prized material possessions.

"Yep, screen used... Obi Wan"

"No"

"Yeah"

"How did you get your hand on it?"

"One of our props guys worked on episodes two and three. He tracked it down for me last year. It was my 21st gift to myself"

"That is so cool"

"I’m already predicting Dad’s going to try to smuggle it home when he sees it"

Chris laughs at her statement. He can see Scott trying to smuggle it home too.

"So where am I putting this. Do you have a guest room or..." he asks, motioning to his bag. He can tell immediately by the way her face drops that she's upset. Damn it, he's fucked up already. He hasn't even been there for ten minutes.

"Oh... I thought... you don't..." she mumbles feeling a little defeated

"Maddie no... I just..." he starts before quickly pausing to take a breath

"OK... where do you want me to sleep?" he asks putting hands on her shoulders

"With me" she says quietly, hopefully, looking at him and biting the inside of her lip while she picks at her thumbnail.

"OK" he says with a nod. She gives him a small smile and exhales the breath she didn't know she was holding. She really though he wanted to sleep in her guest room.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to upset you. When I asked... it wasn't because I didn't want to sleep in your bed with you. I just, I didn't want to assume anything, that's all. And I sure as hell didn't want you to think I'm expecting anything because I'm not. I just want to spend time with you. If that happens great but you don't owe me anything OK" he tells her, still silently panicking.

She nods, trying her best to hold in the tears that were forming in her eyes, much to her frustration. He sees this and silently curses himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

He's about to pull her in for another hug when she unsuccessfully tries to stifle a huge yawn. She filmed for 16 hours, starting at 5am, then came home and stayed up waiting for him. She would normally be passed out right now, her face buried in her pillow.

"It's late, let's go to bed" he tells her. She nods, her eyes closing again. She must have zoned out because Chris puts his hand on her shoulder to get her attention

"Maddie"

"Hmm... sorry, did you say something?"

"What room?"

"What?"

"Your bedroom"

"Oh, this one" she tells him, pointing to the door closest to them. She quickly makes sure her coffee machine is filled and set for the morning, she can't function without her morning caffeine, before she turns off the lights in the kitchen and living room and they head into her room.

"The bathroom's just through here" she tells Chris, pointing to the open door as he puts his bag in front of the mirror next to her dresser. While she heads in to wash her face and use the toilet Chris quickly gets changed.

After a few minutes Maddie comes out of the bathroom in her pyjamas, she had gotten changed in the bathroom. She's wearing an old tee, one of her brothers from basic training complete with "Holden" on it, and sleep shorts. She also has a basic sports bra on, more for her personal comfort than support. She throws her dirty clothes into the hamper in her walk in and takes a few deep breaths.

She's comfortable with Chris but that doesn't mean she's not really nervous to be sharing a bed with him. She notices he's wearing identical clothing to her when she comes back into her room.

"So um... which side?" he asks, pointing to her bed.

"The middle..." she admits. She normally spiralled out on the bed, often sleeping diagonally. She's gotten so used to it being just her that she takes advantage of having the whole bed to herself.

"I'm the same" he laughs

"Ummm, well my chargers on this side so..." she says, pointing to the side closest to the window

"That works" he replies, going over to his bag and getting out his own phone charger while she climbs into bed. Her heart rate picks up a little as he plugs his charger into the wall before climbing into bed next to her.

"Oh my god, this is so comfortable" he sighs, stretching out under the blankets.

"Growing up Mum always told us you spend good money on two basics. Shoes and mattresses" she says as she leans over and turns off the lamp on her bedside table.

"That's actually really smart" he says, adjusting the pillows under his head

"Do you have enough pillows, I can get more?" she asks as he settles back into them. As someone who likes to sleep with a ridiculous number of pillows she always has extras for guests just in case. There's nothing worse than trying to sleep and needing just one more pillow.

"No this is perfect, thank you" he tells her, letting out a yawn. She very cautiously moves closer to him. She loves to cuddle but she isn't sure if he does. It was rare that Travis let her cuddle in bed with him, or any time really. He said it was uncomfortable when she "clung" to him.

The only time he let her was when he was sick and turned into a complete baby who was incapable of doing a damn thing for himself. He really is a cold hearted bastard. She can't even remember what she saw in him that led to their two year relationship.

Chris can sense how unsure she is. She's tense, like she doesn't know if he'll be OK with her snuggling up to him. Little does she know he loves it. With a sigh he puts his arm around her and pulls her in. He feels her whole body relax into him as she settles under his arm and lays her head on his shoulder, using it as a pillow.

"I'm glad you're here" she says quietly, lightly resting her hand on his chest. She's still a little unsure.

"Me too" he tells her as he starts running his hand up and down her side. She snuggles closer to him, nuzzling into him a little and moving her arm to around his stomach in the process. She lets out a long sigh and he feels her lightly take hold of the side of his shirt as she gives him a gentle squeeze.

"Good Night" he says quietly, feeling his eyes starting to get heavy. He looks down when she doesn't answer and sees that she's already fallen asleep. He smiles to himself and carefully reaches over to turn off the lamp next to him. He closes his eyes and almost immediately follows her into sleep, listening to her quiet snores.

Chris lets out a groan as he wakes. He's just had the best nights sleep he's had in months. He needs to ask Maddie where she got her mattress, he wants to get one for himself.

He looks to his left and can't help but smile as he rolls onto his side. She's still asleep, curled up on her side facing him and mumbling something incoherent. He really does find it cute.

As much as he wants to stay where he is, in the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in while he watches her have a full blown conversation with herself in gibberish, his bladder has other ideas.

He carefully gets up and quietly goes into the bathroom. He frowns, very confused, where's the toilet? It takes him a minute but he finds it behind the closed door next to the shower. He sorts himself out then climbs back into bed.

He wants to be there when she wakes up. He upset her last night when he asked about her guest room. He doesn't want her to think he's left while she was sleeping.

As he carefully shuffles closer to her he can't help but notice how peaceful she looks when she's asleep, like none of her worries exist. He reaches forward and brushes the hair that's fallen in her face out of the way, exposing her scar in the process. The scar caused by him.

He lightly traces it with his thumb, it's raised slightly. Her face twitches a little at his touch and he quickly pulls his hand away, not wanting to wake her.

He looks at her, the light freckles on the tops of her cheeks, her little button nose with a small diamond stud in the left side, her naturally full eyebrows, the cute dimple on the right side of her mouth. She's beautiful.

After about ten minutes of him memorising every one of her features a frown appears on her face and she starts to stir. She lets it a soft groan as her whole body shifts, stretching out like a cat before relaxing and settling back into the bed.

Her eyes open and she blinks a few times as they adjust to the light before they fix on Chris and a sleepy smile spreads across her face once her brain registers him.

"Morning beautiful" he says, gently tucking the hair that had fallen back in her face behind her ear

"No" she groans, rubbing her eyes

"What?"

"Not beautiful... not in the morning"

"Yes, you are"

"Nope"

She's right, she is a sight first thing in the morning. Lines of drool running across her cheek, traces of leftover mascara under her eyes, her long hair wild and knotted. There is nothing beautiful about it. This morning her hair is extra wild, she was extremely restless the during the night.

Her movements had actually woken Chris up at one point. He was worried she was starting to have a nightmare and ended up having to pull her back onto him after she had shuffled away in her sleep to get her to calm down.

"Well, I think you are" he informs her

"Biased" she says, letting out a large yawn. He lets out a small laugh and leans in, gently brushing her nose with his. She quickly buries her face in the pillow and groans.

"Morning breath" she states, like it's extremely obvious why he shouldn't be kissing her right now. Her breath is really bad in the mornings, probably because of the retainers she wears at night. He lets out another soft laugh and gently takes her chin, turning her head to face him.

"I" he says, kissing her forehead "don't" her cheek "care" and her nose before pulling back and looking at her

"I really wanna kiss you... can I?" he asks hopefully. She smiles and nods, closing her eyes when he presses his lips to hers. She hums as the kiss deepens. He hasn't kissed her like this before.

Their previous kisses had been more reserved, like he'd been holding back. He's not anymore. It's like he's claiming her lips for himself and honestly, she likes it. She likes it a lot. She lets out another hum as she inhales his scent, it's exactly the same as the morning at Comic Con.

"You still mumble in your sleep" he says when he pulls away for air. She lets out a whine and grabs the front of his shirt, pulling him back in.

"Shut up" she replies before returning her lips back to his. She really has missed this kind of physical contact with someone. While she is fairly independent in life, she thrives on the connection you can only get from a partner, even a terrible one like Travis.

Without breaking their kiss, she rolls onto her back and wraps her arms around him, bringing him in. He hovers over her, resting his weight on his arms so he doesn't squish her as their morning kiss turns into a make out session.

She pulls him even closer to her, making his body press into hers as she grabs the back of his shirt to keep him close. She subtly rocks against him when he moves one of his knees between her legs, a small moan leaving her.

She feels him smile slightly against her lips before he lightly runs his tongue along them. She opens her mouth to grant him entry just as her stomach lets out a loud grumble, so loud that he pulls ways from her.

"Was that your stomach?" he asks shocked before looking down at it.

"Yeah" she says, letting out a small laugh before her face slowly drops. She looks at him, taking in the flecks of green in his blue eyes before she brings her arms up and pulls him back in to reconnect their lips, her hands on the back of his neck.

He lets out a low moan and moves one of his hands to her hip, squeezing gently as he brings her tight to him.

Right now, nothing matters except the two of them. They stay like that for a while, lost in each other's lips, before her stomach growls loudly for a second time and they both laugh.

"Come on, let's gets some food in you before that gremlin in your stomach breaks free" he says, getting up and reaching down to her with both hands. She laughs as she takes them and lets him pull her up.

She lets out a loud groan and stretches her arms out before bringing her shoulders together. She's stiff and a little sore from yesterday's stunts.

"I gotta ask... your bed setup" he says, motioning back to her unmade bed

"What's wrong with my bed?" she asks, squinting at him a little.

"It's a mattress on the floor"

"My frame broke during the move"

"Oh"

"Actually... I may have taken a lot of my built up anger out on it... and my old mattress" she admits. She had completely destroyed both of them.

"What did it do?" he asks with a laugh.

"He slept in it... god, it sounds so stupid..."

"No, it doesn't"

"It was actually really therapeutic"

"I can imagine. Did you do the same with New York?"

"I didn't have to. I got a new bedroom suite and mattress a few weeks before... he never touched it"

"It's the little things?" he asks, knowing from his research into trauma that purging things that remind her of Travis is really important for her healing process, even if it's a bed that he's slept in.

He'd spent the weekend after Comic Con researching anything he could think of to help him understand more about what she's going through and how he can help. She just gives him a small smile and nods as they head into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" she asks, changing the subject

"Please"

"How do you have it?"

"Bit of creamer and sugar"

She shakes her head slightly as she grabs two mugs from her overhead cupboard before getting the creamer she always keeps on hand for Jensen out of the fridge.

"What?" he asks, seeing the slight scowl on her face as she adds sugar to one of the mugs before starting to pour coffee into it.

"Nothing" she says, adding creamer to his before passing it to him.

"Thanks... how do you have yours?" he asks, blowing on it slightly before taking a mouthful.

"Black. The stronger the better" she tells him before taking a mouthful of her own. She lets out a sigh, enjoying the taste when Chris' phone rings.

"Damn it, it's my publicist, I gotta take it" he tells her, checking who's calling at 8am on a Saturday. She nods at him as her stomach growls again, she really needs to eat.

"Hey Megan... yeah... hold on a sec" he says before heading into her room and closing the door for privacy. While he's on the phone she throws a few slices of bread into her toaster. Shit, she forgot to ask Chris what he wants for breakfast. She drinks more of her coffee, letting her mind wander before she's pulled back to reality when the toast pops up.

"Ah fuck" she says, quickly dropping the hot toast onto her plate. She does this every single time, she knows it's hot yet she grabs it right out of the toaster and burns her fingers. She had just taken a bite, letting out a hum of satisfaction when Chris comes back out of her room.

"Sorry, Twitter shit" he tells her, holding his phone up

"Mmmm... my team weren't happy about my Tweet but that's nothing new"

"The one about the article?"

"Yeah"

"Why, I mean, you said what a lot of us were thinking?"

"Apparently I could have worded it better"

"Fuck that. You said what needed to be said"

"Yep. Made me feel better too"

"There you go, mission accomplished"

She lets out a small laugh and smiles at him as she sits on the bench. Travis would have scolded her and told her that her team was right, to do what they say because that's what she pays them for but Chris agrees with her on the Tweet, she can't remember the last time she's had that, it's so nice.

"Can I?" he asks, pointing to the forgotten piece of toast on her plate

"Yeah" she says, biting her lip. She wants to see his reaction to this. She watches as he takes a bite and frowns, slowly chewing

"You don't like it" she laughs watching his face as he tries to figure out what the taste is.

"I didn't say that. It's just... different. What is it?"

"Vegemite"

"Huh... so that's what it tastes like. It's alright" he says, taking another bite

"Don't let Jensen hear you say that" she jokes. Jensen can't stand it. He's very dramatic about it too. His theory is that it was used as torture on the convicts and Australians now have Stockholm Syndrome.

"So, what did you want to do today?" she asks, finishing her coffee

"No clue, any ideas?" he replies as he continues to eat

"Well Jared was telling me about this new hiking trail that he found about ten minutes away, I was kinda thinking we could check it out. It's a nice enough day"

"That sounds good, I love hiking"

"Oh, and there's a bakery a few blocks down that has amazing bagels, you gotta try them" she says excitedly, thinking about the best blueberry bagels she's ever had.

"I don't want to be a pain but is that best idea with everything that's going on right now. The paparazzi?"

"We don't really get any around here, it's a big part of why me and the guys live in the area. We still have that anonymity. Why, did you not want to go, we don't have to?"

"No, no, it's not that. It's just... I worry, that's all" he tells her. He knows she wants to stay under the radar, now more than ever. She's been getting so much attention since the article was published, especially since it came out directly off the heals of her Captain America announcement.

He knows how much she hates it. While he's somewhat used to the level of attention on her, she's not and she's finding it hard. Most of it's been happening when she's in New York but he's seen photos of her in the last few weeks that he knows were taken in Vancouver.

"I really wish you wouldn't" she sighs, she hates people worrying about her.

"I know but I can't help it" he tells her, kissing the tip of her nose. She lets out a small laugh and scrunches her nose up. It's the first time he's seen her do it. Fuck, it's really cute, she needs to do it again.

"So hike and bakery?" he asks as it starts to rain out of nowhere, she looks out the window, her shoulders dropping a little in disappointment

"Actually you know what, I change my mind, let's just stay in" she says, turning back to face him. He lets out a laugh just as there's a loud clap of thunder right over the building that makes her jump and start to panic.

Quickly realising she's been triggered Chris takes her wrists, giving them a gentle squeeze before he runs his hands up her arms to her shoulders

"Hey, hey. Maddie. Look at me" he says, trying to get her attention as her breathing starts to pick up. She looks at him, panic all over her face and he knows she's one the verge of a panic attack. The only time he's seen this look on her face is when she got the call about Travis making bail.

"You're OK, it's just thunder" he tells her, taking her face and stroking her jaw with her thumbs trying to distract her.

"Thunder... I'm OK" she says to ground herself, mirroring what she does with Sebastian. There's another loud thunderclap and she jumps again, gripping onto the front of his shirt.

"You're OK, I got you, you're safe" he tell her, hugging her and rubbing circles one her back. He remembers seeing Sebastian do it that night at his place after she opened up about Travis.

She rests her head against his chest. She can hear his heartbeat, it's steady. She focuses on it as she tries to calm her breathing.

It's been hours and it's still raining but thankfully there's no more thunder, much to Maddie's relief. She's reading scripts on her iPad while she lays on her still unmade bed, something very out of character for her. Making her bed is normally the first thing she does after her morning coffee but the thunder had thrown her off her routine.

"Scott says hi" Chris tells her, coming into her room. He was just on the phone with him, some drama about his nephew saying his first swear word. She smiles, she really likes Scott. Once he'd gotten over his initial excitement of meeting her she'd discovered he was really chill and great fun to hang out with.

"What's that smell?" he asks, getting a hoodie out of his bag and pulling it on. Maddie likes to keep the AC up quite high, around 20 degrees celsius, and he's getting a little cold. He doesn't want to ask her to turn it down, not when he can just put a hoodie on.

"My candle" she tells him, pointing the the green Bath and Body Works candle burning in her dresser.

"What is it?"

"Eucalyptus. I can blow it out if you don't like it"

"No, it's nice, I just didn't know what it was that's all"

"It's one of my favourites, it reminds me of home"

He smiles, he's the same. He brings anything he can into his LA home that reminds him of Boston. He hopes to move back one day, hopefully raise a family there.

"What are you reading?" he asks as he lays down next to her

"Scripts for the next few episodes" she tells him. Production had just made with switch from physical to digital scripts and it was so much easier.

"Do I get a sneak peek?"

"If you want... but no spoilers for Scott because he'll whinge at me"

"Deal"

She lets out a small laugh and angles her iPad so he can see as well. He shuffles closer to her and rests his head on her shoulder. She quickly realises what he's doing so she moves her arm up and over his head.

He very cautiously rests his head on her chest, just above her breast, and relaxes into her as lays her arm on his back. After a few minutes her wraps his arm around her stomach and pulls her into him.

She lets out a tiny hum, it feels really nice to lay like this, cuddling. She didn't realise how touch starved she is. They lay like that for a while, silently reading while they enjoy the closeness.

"Oh shit" he says suddenly, shocked by something he's just read in the script. She laughs at his reaction and he smiles to himself. He loves hearing her laugh, it's quickly becoming one of his favourite sounds.

She adjusts herself, turning her body into him more and resting her head against his while her hand comes up and she starts absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair as they continue to read. They could both get used to this.

"Hey Chris, what..." Maddie says, waking into her room. She stops in her tracks, eyes going wide. She's just walked in on him naked, butt ass naked. She gasps, slamming her eyes shut and turns on the spot so her back is facing him.

"I'm sorry" she says quickly, desperately hoping he's not mad at her.

"It's OK, I mean you're gonna see me at some point... hopefully" he chuckles as he starts to get dressed, not realising that she's panicking. She lets out a small, choked whimper as tears fill her eyes. She's frozen in the spot.

His eyes go wide, he has no idea what’s happening. He quickly finishes pulling his shirt on and goes over to her. Standing in front of her, he sees the state she's in. Fear all over her face while tears run down it. She's starting to shake too. He gently takes her shoulders and feels a twinge of guilt when she flinches at his touch.

"Maddie..." he says softly, gently running his hands up and down her upper arms, from shoulders to elbows.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry. The door was open, I thought... I'm sorry" she rambles, hanging her head

"Hey, it's OK" he tells her. She just nods, her head still hung in shame.

"Maddie... look at me, please" he asks. She lifts her head and slowly opens one eye. Only opening the other when she sees he's clothed.

"I left the door open out of habit. It's my fault, I'm sorry" he tells her. He feels terrible that him forgetting simple thing like closing the door while he got changed has caused her to be in this panicked state. She swallows and nods, trying to subtly wipe the tears from her cheeks.

Seeing that she's still in her head he tries to shift her focus away from what just happened.

"What did you want to ask me?"

"What?"

"You were going to ask me something when you came in. What was it?"

"Oh, um... I was gonna... what did you want to do for dinner?"

"I don't mind. You choose"

"I was thinking of making butter chicken"

"That sounds really good"

"OK... I'll do that" she says, her voice breaking. She fights to keep her tears in but she loses and they run down her face for a second time. She lets out a frustrated huff as she tries to wipe them away again.

"Come here" he says softly, pulling her in for a hug.

"I'm sorry" she mumbles into his chest

"You have nothing to apologise for Maddie. You didn't do anything wrong OK. I should have closed the door, I’m sorry" he tells her, letting out a soft sigh when he feels her nod against him

He gently rests his chin on the top of her head as he rubs her back. While he honestly doesn't mind that she had walked in on him, she was terrified. It makes him start to wonder the true extent of how badly Travis must have treated her if this is her reaction to what just happened.

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