Just want to say that I’d like to see more Velvet Goldmine discourse in my feed. Being the change I want to see in the world.

You’re only a fool if you give up, boy

They’ve been talking about it for weeks. Even though Matteo wasn’t so keen on doing this, it felt like world’s greatest idea to them. Carlos has been bragging about his relationship with Kiki, how great it is to have that special someone in your life. Abdi, still doing nothing about his big ass crush on Sam, also thought it would be perfect for Matteo to finally get some female attention. Don’t get it wrong, he’s had plenty of attention - he would let girls flirt with him, especially during nights out with his friends, always being careful not to flirt back, keeping his “cool guy” attitude. He would let them kiss him every once in a while (if he was drunk enough), trying not to think about how every touch made his chest clench. There was that one party, over a month ago, where he ended up shaking, struggling to breathe after a tiny brunette was forcing herself on him in the corner of someone’s living room. Hooking up at parties was how most boys lived their life, but Matteo felt humiliated. He was overwhelmed, the party was much more than he could handle and after running away, he hadn’t gone out of his room for three days.

 And Matteo loved these fools. They were getting on his nerves, always talking about girls and sex, but they were his friends. Jonas, however... He was hoping Jonas would stand up for him, understand that Matteo doesn’t need girlfriends to be a decent guy (not that he was, in any way, a decent human being) and just let him live his lonely life. So when Jonas came up to their table on Tuesday with a smirk on his face, Matteo felt his heart sink.

 “Good news! I got you a date tomorrow. Her name is Sara, she’s taking Maths with me. She’s blonde, she’s sweet and she doesn’t think you’re a loser.”

 Matteo feels betrayed. He knows the girl, he has seen here a few times in the hallway, always with another blonde by her side, constantly chatting and giggling. She seems nice and she probably is, but that’s not the problem. Matteo just doesn’t feel like dating anyone. He hadn’t had any interest in love since... well, since his crush on Jonas. He would never admit that, but his feelings for his best friend made him question his sexuality and he decided it’d be better to just back off. Better to back off than to admit he might not be what people expect him to be.

 “Luigi! Sara is hot, he got you a good one” he hears one of his friends say, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He thinks maybe if he pretended he never heard it, it wouldn’t be true.

 Much to his dismay, it is still true. Boys keep talking about how amazing this Sara girl is and Matteo can not go through all the reasons why being single is good to him again. His brain is screaming, because as pretty and friendly as she sounds, he still finds no attraction to girls recently. His mouth doesn’t say anything, because he’s a stupid bastard and he can never stand up for himself. He can’t say no.

 So that’s how it is. He’s got a date tomorrow.

 ***

The boys all crash at Matteo’s after school on Wednesday to help him get dressed and to make sure he makes it to his date in the first place. Carlos tries to talk him into wearing a shirt - something he hasn’t worn since, like, 5th grade, but he insists on staying in his way-too-big t-shirt with a pattern that looks a bit like dirty stains (and maybe there are stains too, Matteo isn’t sure). Abdi slaps his hand when he reaches for one of his oversized grandpa sweaters and Jonas finds a grey hoodie he’s only had on three times before, so he’s positive it doesn’t smell that bad. They fight a little and Abdi runs after him with a hairbrush, bu he lets it go and then they just play Zelda until it’s time to leave.

 They are supposed to meet on Alexanderplatz and when he gets there, he still has seven minutes left. He purposely missed the bus, but the boys said he has to be early to make a good impression and made him catch another one only two minutes later. Standing there, he thinks of excuses to leave.

1. His flatmate called. He was dreaming about their date so hard that he forgot to turn the water off and now there’s a big flood going on.

 2. He was so stressed about their date he got nauseous and he’s really, terribly sorry, but he feels like throwing up, so maybe they could meet some other day.

 He tries to come up with another one when Sara catches his eye. It still startles him a little. And the thing is, Sara looks like a nice girl. She is pretty and she’s playing with her hair as she’s making her way to him, sending him a nice smile. He tries his best to smile back, because she’s just a nice girl and she doesn’t know how much he doesn’t want to be there and she probably deserves someone better than him.

 “Hey.”

 Her voice is soft. She seems shy, still smiling at him.

 Matteo isn’t shy. He wants to get the fuck out of here.

 Instead, he nods a little and points to the nearest cafe.

 “Na. Would you like some coffee?”

 “I’d love that.”

  ***

 Now, the thing is, Matteo really hates coffee. He doesn’t really drink much, which probably isn’t the best, but he just finds it hard to care. Suggesting the cafe was his first reaction, because he didn’t want to sound like a dick and greet her with a “flat flood” or throwing up. He orders an espresso, the real Italian he is, thinking it’d be better to drink it rather than a regular sized coffee. Sara, on the other hand, gets an extra sweet caramel macchiato and seems content about it.

 Sara talks. A lot. She talks about school, about her best friend (Matteo learned her name is Leonie), the things they like to do, the music she listens to. Matteo tries to keep his focus and throws some “mmm” and “yeah” in, because that means he doesn’t have to speak much himself. Sara doesn’t seem to mind - she goes on about a party on Friday she would like to go to and the latest movie she would like to see.

 “Well, if you’d like, there’s a cinema around the corner. We could go there.”

 Her eyes lit up and she looks so happy Matteo has to hold his breath. He offered to see the movie with her because going to the cinema would mean they didn’t have to talk anymore. He’s sure he’s hardly said like ten sentences the whole afternoon and the idea of not having to talk, and not having to listen either, makes him feel a little better. He wishes he could just go back to his bed and lay there sleepless forever.

 They head to the cinema. Matteo doesn’t even finish his coffee, while Sara was done with hers after half an hour, and he wishes he could smoke some weed instead. It takes them five minutes to get there and now they’re both staring at a giant poster of Aladdin, Sara talking about how excited she is and how much she loves the actors. Matteo doesn’t really know any of them. He remembers watching Aladdin as a child. He’s not really in a mood for romance right now - neither on-screen nor in real life.

 They go inside and Matteo is taken aback by the amount of people inside. Yes, he knew Alexanderplatz is a popular place in the city (he had a hard time waiting for Sara, there were people everywhere and he really wished he could be home), but he still didn’t expect it to be this crowded. Sara still has a wide smile on her face and can’t stop chattering while they stand in line to the register.

 He’s tired. It’s really loud here, all these people talking and street noise coming through the door. His head starts to ache. He asks Sara how long is the film and he immediately regrets it when she says it’s over two hours. He can feel his face going numb from all the fake smiles he’s trying to put on and his heart starts to beat louder while the line is slowly moving forward.

 Sara seems a little worried about the look on his face and she asks if he’s feeling okay. He opens his mouth to say he is fine, that everything is great, when he sees it. Sees Him.

 “Matteo? Is something wrong?” she repeats the question, but Matteo is frozen.

 He can’t stop staring. The guy at the register is chatting with one of the customers and when he throws his head back, laughing at something a boy in front of him said, Matteo is blushing. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen so much happiness in his entire life.

 He’s snapped out of it by his date’s hand in front of his face.

 “Yeah, I’m good.” says Matteo. And he means it. Looking at that guy made him feel like he could move any mountain in the world. God, his smile. He could sin all his life if it meant he gets to see that smile again.

 Three boys go away from the cash register and Matteo realizes it’s their turn. Sara takes him by the hand and he follows her wide-eyed, because, to be fair, it’s not her hand he would like to hold right now. The guy offers them a wide smile, still looking happy after his previous conversation and Matteo thinks he might melt to the ground.

 “Hello. What would you like to see today?” the guy asks and Matteo swears he got chills in places he never knew he could get it. His voice is so deep, yet so soft and everything inside Matteo is screaming you because he would like to see him. He would like to see him every fucking day he lives on this earth.

 “Could we get two tickets for Aladdin, please?” Sara links their fingers and Matteo can’t help but wince. He takes a look at their hands and when his eyes go back to the boy’s face, there’s a tiny bit of worry. Matteo suddenly feels uneasy, shame taking over him as he looks to the ground, wishing he could disappear.

 “There’s one starting in 15 minutes. Is that good?” the guy asks and Matteo wants to look at him, wants so badly to look at his olive skin, his dark curly hair and the smile that made him feel like it’s going to get better. He doesn’t.

 “Yes, it’s perfect!”

 They chat for a bit and Matteo doesn’t seem to catch anything they are saying, still staring at his feet. There’s a quiet cough and he finally looks up to them. Looks up to him. His eyes are warm brown and he shoots him a reassuring smile and he keeps looking at him, asking if he wants to pay in cash or by card. And Matteo has no idea what he’s talking about, until he remembers he’s on a date. With a girl.

 As bad as it sounds (and it sounds really bad, especially because Matteo is broke and the tickets are fucking expensive, he already paid for their coffees), it’s a perfect opportunity to step back from her, because he obviously couldn’t take his wallet out of his pocket with only one free hand. He pays with his card and when the guy asks him if he needs a receipt, he says yes, because he wants him to hand him the receipt and he wants to hold his hand and- fuck.

 Matteo only thinks about it for a second before he’s being handed the receipt and their fingers brush. He wants to grab his whole hand and hold it and then grab the guy and hold the guy but he’s not a retard so he takes a step back, the document still in his hand so Sara can’t hold it. After he printed out two tickets for them, he reaches to hand them to Matteo, but Sara is the first to take them and she looks excited and happy and Matteo couldn’t care less.

 The guy guides them where to go and tells them to enjoy the movie. He sends Matteo one last smile and Matteo wants to say something, wants to tell him everything, but he’s on a date with a girl and there are people waiting in line and he has to get this shit to an end. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND PART: https://norskkitten.tumblr.com/post/185410831036/youre-only-a-fool-if-you-give-up-boy-part-ii ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh, I got an idea and I thought I could go with this. I haven’t written anything in, like, at least 3 years. It’s almost 3am and it’s not edited and it’s not even finished, because i’m not sure if I want it in parts or I’ll just write an ending to this and make it a shot. But I love the idea and I ship it so hard.

Psycho Analysis: Darth Vader

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Here he is. The big one. The world’s most famous villain of all time, and this is no exaggeration; even people with only a fleeting knowledge of Star Wars, even people who have never seen it before in their lives, probably know who Darth Vader is. The dedicated an entire trilogy to showing how he ended up this way, and an entire trilogy to defeating him, and even after he’s dead his shadow looms over the new trilogy.

It’s really not hard to see why, either; everything about him just screams cool. He’s an intergalactic dictator wizard monk cyborg with a laser sword who has a castle on a lava planet and a space station the size of the moon that blows up planets, and that’s not even getting into the fact that he has the voice of Mufasa. Darth Vader is an icon, plain and simple, and if you think his status is all surface-level, well, this will hopefully show you there’s more to him.

Actor: There are a lot of people who put in the time to bring Vader to life, but let’s just go over the most notable actors. A lot must be said of David Prowse, the man in the suit during the original trilogy; while James Earl Jones’ voice certainly did a lot of work towards making Vader as intimidating and cool as he is, Prowse’s physical presence should absolutely not be understated. He’s the one who does the movements, who walks into the scenes, he was the one physically there, and it really cannot be said enough that he is a key aspect of why the original Vader worked, even if his voice was nowhere near intimidating enough.

Jones, of course, had a voice that was intimidating enough, and while Prowse brought the physical intimidation, Jones brought the vocal brilliance. Vader’s voice is so oft-arodied and iconic, and it’s all thanks to James Earl Jones’ stellar performance. IT’s just absolutely legendary no matter which way you cut it, to the point where even when he’s portraying a freshly-christened Vader who is still in the mindset of a whiny Anakin and screaming a massive NO to the heavens, he’s still awesome.

Of course, that does bring us to Anakin Skywalker, portrayed by Hayden Christensen, and who is the most divisive actor who played Vader, albeit in his pre-cyborg form. I think a lot of the problems Christensen was criticized for while portraying Vader in the prequels was due to Lucas and his poor direction, and not due to any inherent fault on his part, as Christensen is a good actor otherwise. Case in point: any scene in Revenge of the Sith where Christensen does not have to speak and instead has to rely on giving evil glares or just looking intimidating works. I think he does a great job in Revenge of the Sith overall, and his portrayal of Anakin definitely works best in that prequel due to him really selling the frustration of his superiors not taking him seriously or trusting him, which makes his eventual slide into villainy after putting his trust in Palpatine a lot easier to swallow.

Motivation/Goals: Vader’s motivations and goals are not exactly where he shines, as it is pretty standard evil overlord stuff: he wants to crush the rebels, serve his master, and do whatever needs to be done to ensure that the power he has does not get taken away. It’s standard stuff, and even at the time it likely wasn’t a wholly original idea, but part of the reason it probably feels so generic nowadays is that so many people in every art form imaginable – books, TV, video games, and other movies – have ripped Vader off to the point where he almost appears to be a generic doomsday villain if you only look at a summary of his goals. Thankfully, this is far from the case.

Personality: Vader’s personality is where he really shines. Revenge of the Sith paints the portrait of a brilliant, talented young man who is constantly looked down upon and ignored by his peers despite his numerous successes and who is unable to openly be with the woman he loves and who carries his children due to ridiculous rules; is it any wonder he was taken advantage of by a predatory elder and groomed into a psychopath, only realizing far too late what had been done to him? This aspect of his personality has often been criticized by those who hate the prequels, but I think it is important to show that Vader was once a normal, frustrated young man who honestly had good intentions and wanted to protect others, because it helps make his eventual turn away from the Dark Side and redemption at least be a little believable.

Once he truly becomes the Vader we all know and love, he loses sight of who he was and buries himself in the Vader persona. What happened on Mustafar with Padme and Obi-Wan broke Anakin, and so he truly throws himself into the Darth Vader identity. He becomes cold, ruthless, and downright terrifying, with only brief glimpses to the cornier, kinder persona that the man who hates sandf with a passion once had, the moment where he makes a lame pun in Rogue One being the perfect example of the cheesy Anakin of the prequels shining through if only for a brief moment before Vader’s final scene in Rogue One shows that Anakin has once more been suppressed and the terrifying Vader persona is out in full force, with the real Anakin only breaking through in the end to restore balance to the Force.

Final Fate: Vader, in a final act of heroism, picks up Palpatine and tosses him down into a pit to save the life of his son Luke. Ultimately, this means that Vader fulfilled that prophecy from so long ago and restored balance to the Force, redeeming him in the eyes of his son and allowing him to become one with the Force itself and stand beside his former mentors Obi-Wan and Yoda in the final scene. It is a bit cheesy and even a little hard to swallow if you think too hard, but come on, it’s a fun space opera where good triumphs over evil and true love prevails, so just let Anakin have his little redemption.

Best Scene: The scene in which he emerges from the pitch black hallway in Rogue One and mercilessly slaughters a group of rebels with absolutely no effort, washing away decades of diminishing returns and undermining of his threat level in under a minute as the franchise reestablishes Vader as the horrifying threat he originally was.

Best Quote: Can it really be anything other than the (at the time) mind-blowing reveal he drops on Luke in The Empire Strikes Back after Luke accuses him of killing his dad? Say it with me now:

“No, I am your father.”

Some of you probably said it wrong, but I can assure you the line written above is exactly as it was said in the movie.

Final Thoughts & Score: There’s honestly no denying the level of impact Darth Vader has had; I’d say he’s up there with characters like Mickey Mouse and Mario, just an instantly identifiable character anyone off the top of their heads can name. George Lucas struck gold when he came up with this guy, that’s for sure. Is it any wonder that there are so many characters all across fiction who draw inspiration from Vader?

Vader stands tall as one of the greatest creations in pop culture, and though characters that copy him tend to offer diminishing returns – with a few notable exceptions, of course – he definitely is a wonderful source of inspiration, especially when it comes to designing a character who is still interesting and absorbing despite having seemingly simple, cliched motives. And while it is true Vader comes off as a bit cliched these days because he pretty much wrote the book on a lot of the cliches attributed to him and his ripoffs, my point still stands, because even in modern times you’d be hard pressed to hear anyone call Vader a poor villain despite his main goal basically being “kill rebels.”

Vader is a rare breed, and so deserves a rare score. He is the only villain as of now I think truly deserves an 11/10. He is the villain other villains wish they could be. He is the most striking character in the entire cast. He’s so downright cool, is it any wonder his own grandson decided to emulate him by becoming his biggest fanboy?

While Vader does ultimately redeem himself in the end, it serves as a culmination of one of the most profoundly tragic character arcs in cinema, as a wide-eyed idealistic boy full of love, hope, and a sense of righteousness is slowly and surely broken down by the world around him and the very heroes he idolized to the point where he is preyed upon by a predatory authority figure who whispers everything he wants to hear in his ear and offers him something he never got before: respect… and then from there, his life spirals downward ever further, until he ends up being utterly consumed by hatred as he burns alive on an alien planet before the man he considered a friend and a brother, the knowledge that his wife feared him in his mind as he was fried to a crisp; and when he is finally brought back as a cyborg, his first moments awake again are shaken by the revelation his wife is now dead, and he is responsible. And then from his lowest point, we see Vader climb again into the light, extremely slowly, until that final choice he makes where he can either do the right thing as he was always meant to or continue subjugating the galaxy that beat him down and abused him.

The fact he chose to be good in the end despite everything in his life prior, despite all of the crimes he committed, really makes him a far more interesting character than if he had been straight-up evil to the core. Instead, he is the ultimate darkly tragic fallen hero given one last shot of redemption in the arms of death. It’s beautiful in the cheesy, dramatic way only Star Wars can be, and I think that more than anything is why Vader has endured as a cultural icon, because at his core he is everything beautiful, tragic, and cheesy about Star Wars rolled into one awesome, black-clad Sith Lord.

Haunted By Ghosts - How ‘Sister Cities’ Helped Me Come to Terms With Acceptance

Death is, unfortunately, pretty inevitable.

I’m the kind of person who will do whatever I can to deal with it when it happens rather than dwelling on it. I don’t handle it well regardless of what kind of form I’m facing it in; all cinemas in a five mile radius of Cannock can tell you what kind of state I was in by the end of Avengers: Endgame. However, if you’re reading this, more likely than not you understand what it’s like to hit the stage where you wake up and someone you care about just isn’t here any more, and there’s nothing you can do. It’s a stage which I hate being in because I don’t know how to deal with it - should I be sad? Angry? Was there something more I could have done? Was there more I should have said? And so on.

Just over two years ago, I lost someone close to me. I was in the hospital with her with my family when they passed, and being there for that moment is something that will stay with me forever. One moment they were lying in the hospital bed across from me, and by the time I had drawn my next breath they had gone. It was a bizarre experience for all the wrong reasons; I’d encountered death before and I knew it was hard, but I’d never been in the room to witness it happen. This was something we’d know about for about a year, something I’d constantly been telling myself I’d been braced for - but the reality was I was when I thought I was braced, I was merely driving pretending I was wearing a seat belt. I remember some moments unfortunately vividly, like sitting outside the room afterwards trying to process everything that had happened, or climbing onto the roof with my cousin and just sitting there with him. I also remember driving home with my Mom, and I Promise by Radiohead coming on the radio, and the opening line ‘I won’t run away no more, I promise’ felt like a sign from above telling me everything would be okay - even now I look back at that moment and feel like something was guiding me to that song, and I used it to help me through the healing process. Yet for months, I couldn’t shift it all from my head. I felt l was doing the opposite to what Yorke had sang at me those nights ago - I was running away from how I felt and I couldn’t address it because I didn’t know how, and I felt myself sinking lower and lower from a year that in a rain that started in January and left me drenched through December and into the new year.

April 2018 was where for the first time I started addressing it to myself. In the mail arrived my copy of Sister Cities, the new (at the time) album by one of my all time favourite bands, The Wonder Years. Every album I’ve loved of theirs, but there’s major change with every iteration. 

The opening track of each album shows a shift, both lyrically and musically. Their first album, The Upsides, is one big generic pop-punk cluster (and I don’t mean that in a bad way, the album is amazing) - yet from the get go, the lyrical mastery of Dan Campbell is prevalent. The “I’m not sad any more, I’m just tired of this place” opening line of ‘My Last Semester’ carries all the way to the final track of the album, showing the world that by digging through the pop-punk riffs and humorous lyrics about feeling socially awkward at parties, there’s depth to be found at the bottom. 

(For the record, I’m aware that Get Stoked On It! is technically their first album, but considering the band don’t play any of the songs live and have actively said they hate it, for the purpose of this I’m choosing to ignore it.)

‘Came Out Swinging’ opens up second (third?) album Suburbia I’ve Given You All and Now I’m Nothing with Allen Ginsberg reading an excerpt from one of his poems, before bursting into an outlook onto the band’s life after touring through the first (second? I swear I’ll stop doing this now…) album. I get a sense that in this album, the band seem to have carried the torch of The Upsides on - yet somehow, differently. Change is inevitable, but rather than it seeming like a stranger knocking at your door, the change of style sweeps in like your best friend coming over for a cup of tea. The Greatest Generation indicates it with a genuine sincerity from Dan singing “I’m sorry I don’t laugh at the right times” during opening track ‘There, There’. The openness continues not only through this album but into the next, with ‘Cardinals’ seeming more like a confessional of not helping a friend in need than an opener to No Closer to Heaven. However, their (at this moment in time) most recent album that resonated me most over their five (six? Okay, I’m serious now.) album run that spoke to me intensely personally. This album didn’t just impact me because of the lyrical themes, but because to me it felt like in the time I’d spent listening to the band, I’d grown and evolved as a person alongside the band.

I didn’t know what to expect from this album - I never do when I listen to their music for the first time, but listening to the two songs they’d released before the album dropped, the title track and Pyramids of Salt, gave me indication this wasn’t something I could anticipate like I’d done it a million times before. It’s like they’d shed their pop-punk cocoon and become an atmospheric, alternative rock being unlike what I’d heard from them previously.

Album opener Raining in Kyoto instantly refers to Campbell’s grief of losing a loved one while on tour and about his guilt for not being around for the funeral. The lines “It’s been over a year now, April turns into May/I’ve barely stopped moving, I’ve been so fucking afraid/Too much of a coward to even visit your grave” hit me like a ton of bricks, as much did the rest of the album to come. I even felt deep relation the choruses where he mentions sitting in hospital beside the person in question, as it took me back to the months we’d been visiting where I wished we could just take her home and everything would somehow be okay. Listening through, the way I personally interpreted the album was Campbell running away from grief while going around the world, and by the end of the album coming home and coming to terms with everything - not letting go, but forgiving yourself of blame. Even months, years even, after these events, I still read the lyrics to the songs on this album and find new meaning to them. I remember being so lost I was walking around my neighbourhood at 3am, and ‘We Look Like Lightning’ came on and I just understood - I felt like “the stranger in my bed”, yet all of a sudden it was like everything made sense, and soon after I went home. I felt the weight of ‘The Ghosts of Right Now’ and ‘Pyramids of Salt’ - the lyrics “I wanna take you somewhere safer/Pull your pain out with my teeth” from the former and “I’m helpess/And you’re drowning/And I’m beating at the water here so desperately” from the latter reminded of everything we’d known was coming, everything I wish I could have done but everything I’d chosen to push to the back of my mind about due to fear and denial.

The whole album is a journey of grief and acceptance, and although I thank every song as a whole for helping me through the process, closing track ‘The Ocean Grew Hands to Hold Me’ was my crutch for most of my healing. It was like I’d been looking for someone to blame for a long time, and I used to blame God a lot for not answering any prayers I’d given during the longest night of my life, and it was like Campbell felt the same. Even down to the the little things, like the lyric “I came to numb my lungs in the salt air” reminding me of sitting on the hospital roof with my cousin. I remember crying when I heard the lyrics “I’ll hold you with my left hand and ball up my right/And if the bastards come for the both of us, I’ll be right there by your side/I’m by your side” for the first time (and almost every subsequent time after that) because I felt like when we were there just as the moment came, looking after who we lost. As the song wrapped up and my first of what feels like thousands of listens of the album came to an end, I remember sitting in silence for a moment and absorbing what I’d just heard. I listened constantly for the next few weeks and the album inspired me to come to terms with what had happened almost a year before and to carry the torch for who we’d lost. Now, every time I listen to this album I feel a sense of reflection - that I can feel who I’ve lost looking down and telling me that it’s okay to carry on.

Grief is hard to get through, but having things to keep you going helps you focus on the here and now. I couldn’t ever thank The Wonder Years enough for releasing Sister Cities when they did, and I don’t know what I’d have done without it. I would like to thank my friends and family for helping me through one of the roughest 8 months of my life, even if they didn’t know it. If you made it through this “little” piece (which turned into me basically gushing about the album), then thanks for coming on this journey with me and listening to what I had to say. Finally, I want to say thanks to my Nan, who’s courage and strength I I will forever admire and hopefully one day be able to achieve.

Death may be one hell of a hurdle to overcome, but the memories you make with the people you love keep them alive forever.

I’m bored so here’s an ask submission

1. What was the last present you gave? -I gave my friend a bookk 2. What was the last present you received? -also a book lol 3. What animal best represents your personality? -hmm an elephant 4. What are you most afraid of? -never fully living life 5. Who is your favourite villain? -Maleficent 6. Who is your favourite family member? (we all have one, admit it) -my nana 7. If you could name your own planet what would it be called? -Fuxida 8. Stars or Moon? -stars though i love both 9. Do you have/want kinds? -i dont have any but undecided, but i think yes  10. What is your greatest life goal? -make myself someone I am happy with 11. What is something you can’t live without? -my dog 12. What is a place you associate with your childhood? -a huge oak tree at my grandparents old house 13. How was your first kiss/how would you like your first kiss to go? -it was exactly how you’d expect a first kiss. 14. What is some life advice you have acquired? - “Don’t let your loyalty become slavery. If they don’t appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone” 15. Who in history has influenced you? -Sigmund Freud 16. What is something strange that you think about often? -What kind of tree I want to be when I die 17. Baths or Showers? both duh. 18. Tea of Coffee? - both duh 19. Alcohol or soft drink? -not both. alcohol. 20. Writing or typing? -depends what I’m working on. The more personal it is, the more I want to write it. 21. What is you most favourite thing in your bedroom? -right now my dog, but if we’re talking inanimate objects, probably the photograph of my mom, dad, brother and me.  22. Spontaneous holiday! Where are you going and with who? -Somewhere tropical and with someone I can stand to be around for days at a time.  23. Introverted or Extraverted? -more extraverted but it’s a pretty fine line 24. Describe yourself in two words. -moody badass lol 25. A song that always puts you in a good mood. -Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man.  26. What makes you feel? -music 27. What was your favourite concert?- Halsey, October 19, 2017, Infinity Energy Center  28. Any plans for a tattoo? -soooooo many, but I think I’m getting Freya’s paw print next  29. What was the first book you ever read? -Mickey Mouse and the Haunted House 30. What was the first movie you saw in cinemas? -Spirit Away  31. What do you think of when you hear ‘portrait’? -The old paintings of people, and that people did. ie. Mona Lisa 32. Tell me about your partner/ideal partner? -Someone who can make me laugh, keeps me on my toes, doesn’t let me get away with my bullshit, someone comforting, someone who knows and has the decency of human kindness, someone who is passionate and supportive and loves me even on my worst days.  33. Tell me about your siblings, if you have any? -I have a half brother. He has a cute kid.  34. What is a topic you would like to talk about more? -What we can do to better ourselves as humans so that we can help those who cannot help themselves 35. What are you a big advocate for? -basic Human Rights all across the board 36. If you’re comfortable to answer, what is the sickest you have ever been? -when my appendix had to be removed 37. When were you the most scared in your life? -When my grandmother told me she had cancer. 38. Ever had a paranormal experience? -several 39. Biggest celebrity crush at the moment? -Johnny Depp. It stays that way too. 40. What is something happening in your life right now? -I’m almost done with my Master’s degree.  41. What is your favourite mythological creature? -sirens/mermaids 42. Marvel or DC? -I dont feel like i should have to answer a question as stupid as this but it will. Obviously Marvel.  43. What object would be on your family’s banner? -probably a gun of some sort 44. Favourite flower? -Dalias  45. One characteristic you like in a partner? -loyalty  46. What planet/star would you travel to if it were possible? -One in the next universe over 47. What is your favourite meal… ever? -tacchino, fagiolini, e riso di Emanuela ovviamente  48. First time…. doing anything. Describe your first time doing something? -my first time visiting new york city. everything was fascinating to me even though I was sick. I think that is what inspired me to want to travel so much. Just experiencing a different culture, and place. Sightseeing and getting turned around in circles. it was exhilarating  49. Who is your favourite superhero? -Probably Starlord 50. What is your favourite poem? Recite it?- When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. -The Peace of Wild Things, Wendell Berry 51. What is an exercise you despise doing? -burpees 52. Secret talent? -I can juggle 53. Current song on replay replay replay? -broken hearts club by gnash 54. Recommend me anything. Seriously… anything. -Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman 55. If you weren’t in your current occupation what would you be doing? -Working for travel writing blog/journal 56. What is the first thing you notice about the person you fancy? -their smile 57. If you had one wish that would definitely come true, what would it be? -for the people in the world to be more kind to one another 58. If you could time travel, when and where would you visit? -I’d go back to the 60s and 70s and travel the US in a volkswagen bus 59. What is your lucky number? -13 60. If you adopt a pet what would it be and what would you name it? -I adopted a dog and her name is Freya 61. Do you believe in fate/everything happens for a reason? -absolutely 62. What is your favourite thing about your personality? -I carry a heart full of compassion 63. What is your favourite thing about your appearance? -my hair 64. What is your favourite clothing store? -uhm, tbh I really love Ross 65. What is your favourite online store? -amazon 66. Use one word to describe your most favourite person? -loving  67. How do you usually have your hair? -in a messy bun 68. What was your favourite subject in high school? -literature (imagine that) 69. What makes you feel empowered? -completing an assignment/project that is perfect  70. What motivates you to do something? -usually stress and anxiety 71. What advice would you give someone who is going through a rough time? -Even on your worst days, when you think you cannot possibly endure anything else, remember that your track record for getting through rough days is 100% and that’s pretty good. 72. Ideal date? -Picnic in a field away from cities and cars and lights. middle of the night, light music and star gazing 73. What is the best date night movie? -beetlejuice obviously  74. What is something you are currently looking forward to? - Vacation with my family 75. Tell me a funny joke? -What do you do when you see a spaceman? - Park your car man! 76. Do you like musicals? If so, what’s your favourite? -yes and wicked or Hamilton 77. What is your favourite song currently? -Feel It Still, PTM 78. What song never fails to make you dance? - see above 79. What is your favourite “classic?” - classic movie? classic book? classic song? 80. What is the best advice you have ever been given? - I thought we’d already been over this.  81. Where did you ancestors come from? -Here and there. Native American, Irish and Welsh. 82. What have you learned from your parents/guardians? -yes mom: never settle, dad: control your temper 83. What is a phrase you heard a lot growing up? -are you hurt? are your bleeding? then why are you crying? 84. Do you believe in magic? -yes 85. What reminds you of your best friend? -music festivals (and almost every other thing in my life) 86. What are you passionate about? -teaching 87. Tell me a story from middle school? -we were in gym one day and they were playing music and letting us dance to it and they played pop, lock and drop it and this girls boob came out.  88. Who was your favourite teacher and why? -Ms. Lindall, fourth grade, she was the most caring and helpful person I had ever met.  89. Can you roll your tongue? -mhm 90. What made you pursue what you are studying? (including school subjects) -Amy Ellison. and my love for reading 91. Where would you like to travel to? -all over, but Im planning an asia trip 92. What is something on your bucket-list? -swim cage free with sharks 93. What is home to you? -home is where the heart is 94. What do you do in your free time? -sleep a lot 95. If you could buy anything right now, what would it be? - an island with my own private beach house 96. If you could see anyone, living or dead, right now, who would it be? -my greatgrandfather moore  97. If you could choose, what would your last meal be? -see about about tacchino 98. How would you like to die? -late, in love and a little drunk 99. List five of your favourite pieces of art (paintings, books, songs etc) -1. Adagio in D minor, 2. Neverwhere by Neil Gaimain, Atlas sculpture by Michaelangelo, Dante’s Inferno by Dante Alighieri, A thousand splendid suns by khaled housseini  100. What would you change about this world? - That everyone had all basic necessities and that people were kind to one another just to be kind. 

Unexpected Guest (Part 1?)

Unexpected Guest

“Hello, love! Sorry for the late call, but I wanted to let you know I landed safely and Monkey met me at the airport. Wanted to check-in with ya. Everything OK at the house? Have you found the wine we left you yet?”

“Yes. Tom, everything is amazing! Thank you so much for letting me stay here. And yes, I found the wine. Currently selecting the bottle for this evening, if you must know. The house is beyond perfect! Are you absolutely sure that the studio doesn’t mind?”

“Not one bit. Jakey is on vacation for the holidays with his family and Charlie and I are here in London with the boys through the New Year. Shooting doesn’t resume until the second week in January, so the place would just be sitting empty. My favorite camera operator needed a place to stay; and in all seriousness, love…they know better than to fuck with Venom.”

“You are such a dork. But again, thank you so SO much. It means more to me than you know.”

“You’re welcome, love,” he said sincerely. “Happy holidays to you. Shoot me or Charlie a text if you have any questions or problems. Just remember to try and relax. You’re not working for the next 2 weeks; so don’t spend all your time watching Jaws and working on your dolly tilt.”

“Fuck you, Tommy,” I said, laughing out loud. “You know very well that it’s called a dolly zoom. And it’s one of the single greatest camera shots in cinema history. I need to be ready when Spielberg calls.”

I could hear his laughter on the other end of the line. This man just loved busting my balls.

“Oh, Tom! Before I forget. I can’t find the number anywhere for the security company. I wanted to call them and have the gate code temporarily changed while I’m here. Just to make myself feel safer.”

“I don’t think we have it up anywhere. Let me find it and I’ll text it to you in a bit.”

“Got it. In all seriousness, thanks again, Tom. Love to you guys and to the boys!”

As I ended the call and searched for a corkscrew, I again marveled at just how amazing and bizarre this whole chain of events had been.

********************

Flashback

I’d been lucky enough to meet Tom Hardy and Jake Tomuri working as a camera operator on The Revenant two years ago. It was one of my first long-term jobs, and it had been a particularly brutal one. All the accounts of how difficult and exhausting the shoot had been were totally true. That said, I was there from the first day of shooting until the last; and you don’t go through that much with a group of people without making some good friends. After The Revenant had wrapped, everyone scattered to their own far-reaches of the globe, but a core group had kept in touch. Tom shot Taboo and the fourth season of Peaky Blinders in Europe for most of 2017 before beginning his prep for Venom; but as soon as he knew the starting date in Atlanta, he recommended me to the director. And the rest, as they say, was history.

On most location shoots, especially when it was a studio with money, the crew stayed in hotels near the set. Being a Marvel production, the crew received very nice accommodations on Venom, but Tom and Jake had reservations about me spending Christmas and New Year’s alone in a hotel room…even if it was a Marvel-funded hotel room. He and Jake had rented a house in Atlanta. Although, to call it a “house” was a bit of a stretch.

It was a big, beautiful, furnished mansion with a large pool out back and seven bedrooms. While it may have seemed a bit extravagant to the casual observer, it was important for them to have somewhere to stay that would provide not only security, but also space for their families to visit. Both men had significant others and four kids between them. Plus, to be perfectly honest, Jake and Tom were like two giant toddlers when left alone…and the boys needed space to play. You only had to take a look at Tom’s Instagram to see how much fun those two could have together. Hell, I didn’t even know they made Care Bear onesies in sizes large enough for an adult male. Tom and Jake each had two.

I knew that spending Christmas Eve alone sounded depressing, but I’d been on my own since 17 years old. Yes, I had some extended family, but no one that I considered close enough to spend the holidays with. I had always possessed an eye for camera work and managed to pay my way through film school by working on commercials. I got the job on The Revenant simply because I was able to do it conflict-free. I didn’t have a family or many close friends that would take me away from the arduous shoot. I could be there day in and day out and keep my focus. The director loved it; and since it was my first major Hollywood shoot, I set out trying to impress from the moment I walked on set. It worked.

I was on set for about a month before I started really meeting the cast. Tom and Jake had immediately taken me under their wings. They treated me like big brothers and were always supportive and encouraging.

I’d do dinners and movies and sing-a-longs with the boys after filming. Tom, Jake, and Paul were endlessly entertaining and it really made the months bearable. Each of them was in a happy, committed relationship and the thought of ever getting romantically involved with anyone on set was laughable to me. Camera work was my passion and what I had always dreamed of doing. I’d never let something as stupid as an on-set romance get in the way of my perfect job. Did I get lonely? Sure. Who didn’t? But there are worse things in life than being lonely.

I genuinely didn’t mind spending time on my own and would have been perfectly fine in my little hotel room for 2 weeks. But the boys had other plans.  

After we finished shooting for the day, they cornered me as I was putting equipment away. Jake had a small present in his hands.

“Hey guys! We wrapped for the day almost 2 hours ago. What are you two still doing on set?”

“Well,” Tom said, “We knew that you planned to stick around and stay in the hotel for Christmas, but we have a better idea. We both have flights home tonight and our rented place will be empty. We want you to stay there. We’ve already cleared it with the necessary folks and it’s good to go. All you need to do is say ‘yes’. Now open your present!”

Inside the box was a small silver key and keychain shaped like a house. Tied around it, was a red ribbon.

“Pleeease!” Jake begged. “We decorated, and cleaned, and everything!”

Looking at my two smiling friends, I realized that I had no choice.

“Boys, there is only one outcome here, isn’t there?” I asked, smiling warmly at their expectant faces.

“Fuckin’ right there is!” Jake affirmed, scooping me up in a crushing bear hug.

“It’s good you said ‘yes’,” Tom chimed in. “Jakey stole your car at lunchtime. It’s already back home in the garage.”

After getting the security code for the house and giving both boys hugs and kisses goodbye, I found myself being dropped off at the main security gate by one of the production assistants. I wished him happy holidays and made my way inside.

They had really outdone themselves.

Turning on the stereo system and sending music throughout the house, I gave myself the grand tour.

In the living room was a huge, decorated Christmas tree. While we were on The Revenant set, I had shared my deep love for Christmas decorations. They were my favorite part of the holiday; and it seemed that the boys had remembered. The scene was something straight out of a catalog and I found myself deeply touched at how much they had done for me. And to make the gesture that much more beautiful, I knew that they did it simply because I was their friend…and never expected a thing in return. How I’d gotten so lucky, I’d never know.

The kitchen, which looked like it hadn’t been touched, was spotless. Opening the fridge, I found it stocked with water, snacks, and a lot of wine. The guys knew I liked to cook and bake, and they had definitely ensured that I wouldn’t go hungry during my stay. I could probably cook a family meal each night and still not run out of food before they got back.

Grabbing my bags, I headed upstairs. All of the bedrooms had been cleaned and linens had been changed, so I had my pick of accommodations. One caught my eye. The king size bed was plush with cream colored blankets. It wasn’t the biggest bedroom in the house, but it had a beautiful stone gas fireplace at the foot of the bed and a window overlooking the backyard. In my suitcase, I found a pair of old yoga pants and the tank top that Jakey had gotten me for my birthday. He had convinced me to do yoga with him one day after shooting. I hated it and informed him that I preferred to drink for stress relief. Not only did I never have to do yoga with him again, but I got a killer shirt out of it. Completing the look with a pair of fuzzy pink socks, I made my way back downstairs to check out the rest of the house.

Downstairs was a game room, complete with pool table and bar which led to the coziest home theater I had ever seen. The overstuffed couches were made for snuggling up in front of the screen and I knew that I’d more than likely spend at least a few nights dozing off in there.

I strolled back upstairs and into the kitchen, intent on taking a closer look at the wine in the fridge, when my phone started to ring. It was late, but I knew immediately who’d be on the other end. I made Tom promise that he’d call once he was home. We chatted for a few minutes; and after thanking him profusely and sending my love to Charlie and the boys, I hung up and got ready to start my evening.

End Flashback

***********************************

I had two weeks off and I planned to make the most of every second. Just as I was about to uncork my bottle, I heard it.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

My heart jumped into my throat.

The house was supposed to be empty. Tom, Jake, and the producers were the only ones who knew I’d be here and I was the only one with the gate code. How could anyone have gotten to the door?!

Immediately, I grabbed my phone and began to dial 911.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Before I could complete the call, my screen lit up.

‘Hardy calling’ was displayed on the screen.

My panic increased by the second.

“Hello! Tom! Tom, someone’s at the door! They’re pounding on it. I need to hang up and call the police!”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

The disturbance at the door continued as I got more and more scared and tears began to fall. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest.

This was not how the evening was supposed to go…

“Tom! Tom, I’m scared! I’m hanging up now. I need to call the cops! Whoever is out there bypassed the security code. I’m alone here. Please, let me call for help!”

“Pet, calm down! Listen to me! You’re OK. I promise. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Tom, you’re on the other side of the ocean. I need help here NOW! I’m hanging up!” I yelled as the knocking at the door continued.

“Wait! Please! Did you see The Drop?” He asked.

“Excuse me!?”

“The Drop. My movie. Did you see it?”

“Hardy, I swear to fuck, if the last thing I do before I die is chat with you about your filmography, I’m going to haunt your ass for-fucking-ever.”

“Love, go open the door.”

“No! Have you not heard a single thing I’ve said?! There. Is. Someone. Out. There.”

“Yes. And I know who it is.”

Then he was gone.

In the silence that followed, I heard a phone ring outside and a muffled male voice.

“Hey man, glad you got my text! I’m right outside! Come let me in!”

Of course, I could only hear one side of the conversation, but quickly putting two and two together, I knew that whoever was out there was currently speaking with Tom.

I silently tiptoed the door, still on high alert, but starting to calm down.

“Yeah bro. Yeah. OK. Should I just leave? I feel like an asshole. Do you think she’d let me apologize?”

I recognized the voice. The Drop. That’s why Tom had asked.

“Yeah. Yeah man, OK. Love to you and Charlie! I’ll give you a call in a bit. Yep. OK, bye.”

All was silent for a few moments. I leaned my head against the wood and waited.

And then I heard the voice again from the other side.

“Ummm…hello? Tom said you were probably on the other side of the door by now waiting. I’m not here to hurt you, I promise. I’m a friend of Tom’s. He gave me the gate code a few weeks ago. I was shooting in New Mexico and was going to try to make it out here before he left to head back to London. But apparently, I missed him. I sent him a text when I got here…and then he called you to try and warn you in time. Which I guess…didn’t happen. I really never meant to scare you. And I really hope you are on the other side of this door like Tom said…or else I’m going to feel especially stupid for royally fucking up and then apologizing to a door.”

I smiled despite the aftershocks of fear still pulsing in my veins.

Slowly, I unlatched the door and pulled it open.

The unexpected guest was standing in the light of the front porch with his hands in his pockets. When our eyes met, he smiled softly.

“Hi. I’m Matthias.”

Note: I have NO idea where this story came from and I’m not exactly sure what to do with it. Part 2?

@virgosapphire79, @dauntlessmetalmom, @iammarylastar, @son-of-a-bbitch, @lostinvoyage, @vaisabu, @thehound-and-thebird, @dean-67-impala, @bookwarm85, @alexandrajackson93, @darebearxo, @mimigemrose, @hows-my-hair, @nickysurfer28, @queensoybean, @emmysrandomthoughts, @scissor-win-ski, @to-hold-me-and-to-hide-me, @misshyen-deactivated20180214, @inkinterrupted, @captstefanbrandt, @niktwosixteen, @vitaevandal, @b-j-d, @pathybo, @adudewritingpoetry, @angelswannawearmyredshooz, @thestarlighthotel, @beautifulramblingbrains, @erisjade, @bonjourmyloves,  @allnewimaginecharliehunnam, @smoothdogsgirl, @elfwriter1088, @mycapt-ohcapt

How I Do It: ‘I’m moving on from my cheating ex – it’s great feeling a connection with someone again’

‘I thought she wasn’t interested, and then she sent me a picture of her trying a bikini on’ (Picture: Myles Goode/ Getty)

For today’s instalment of How I Do It, we get a peek into the sex life of Jake* a straight 27-year-old educator living in London.

Jake ended a long-term relationship recently after finding out that his now-ex had cheated on him multiple times.

He considers himself open-minded and ‘comfortable in all sexual situations’, and prides himself on not shying away from the experimental side of things. He especially loves sex when it’s with someone he feels strongly about.

However, the emotionally rough nature of the split left him with negative feelings towards sex for the first time in his life.

The pandemic didn’t exactly make getting back into the dating game any easier, but now that lockdown’s in the rearview, he’s started seeing someone new…

Thursday

It’s my first day off in ages, but I don’t mean off work – as a teacher, I am currently free for the summer. I mean off as in from socialising.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and I made sure to plan tonnes of activities with lots of different friends; I have been out every night for days and I have even more planned for the rest of the week. 

For tonight though, I just relaxed and focused on myself. 

I have been texting a girl that I met just over a week ago at a gig. She wasn’t replying to me, so I thought she wasn’t interested, and then she sent me a picture of her trying a bikini on along with ‘thinking of you’.

We have set a date to hang out later this week.

Friday

I went for drinks in Paddington with some uni friends that I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic.

I’d been texting the gig-girl all day, and she asked me what time I would be finished with my friends.

I liked how forward she was, and I told her so. She asked me to come to hers after I was done. 

I thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with my friends, but I also kept thinking about seeing her later. I was both excited and nervous.

Once my friends and I were done, I hopped on a train and made it to hers where she picked me up from the station.

After a drink (that I didn’t even finish) we ended up stripping off and cuddling in her bed. I don’t have the words to explain how incredible her body is. 

We stayed up incredibly late laughing and creating our own in-jokes while her cat kept zooming in and out of the room. It was great to feel such a natural connection with someone again.

She had said that she didn’t want sex as it was only our first ‘date’, but that didn’t stop her from teasing me all night in other ways.

I could tell from the look in her devilish eyes that she really enjoyed seeing me try to resist.

I tried to tease her back and make things just as difficult for her, but she definitely won the battle. I’m determined to get her back. 

Saturday

I was woken up early in the morning by two of her cats fighting. It wasn’t the most relaxing start to the day, but I was incredibly happy when I turned to see a beautiful girl on my arm.

We exchanged ‘good mornings’ along with lots of kisses. She is the best kisser I have ever been with, and we kept pausing to make jokes or learn more about each other. 

I had the pleasure of seeing her perfect body in the daylight – it looked even better than the previous night. I made sure to kiss every inch of it before we got up and started the day. 

Before leaving, I got to meet her housemate and the rest of the cats and dogs in her home.

She also made me a fresh, nutritious breakfast before driving me back to the station while holding my hand.

Thoughtful, attentive and sexy… If we keep doing this, I’m going to end up catching feelings.

Sunday

I went axe-throwing with some other friends from uni. It was great fun and I found that I was pretty good at it, but one person in our group thoroughly thrashed the rest of us.

I sent some pictures and videos to the gig-girl, and she told me how I looked like a sexy Viking – the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

Even better, she sent me a hot picture in her half-buttoned work uniform. She knows how to capture my attention. 

My friends and I ended up at a hipster pub, got drunk and caught up. I felt incredibly happy to be able to share that I had started seeing such an amazing girl and that I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

My friends were very supportive, especially since they knew that I had been through a harsh breakup earlier in the year. 

Monday

I went to a festival with another group of friends. We’d all won tickets, and we didn’t know a lot of the acts, but we still had fun together. 

I still texted the gig-girl very regularly throughout the day, and we shared how we were both really excited to see each other tomorrow.

I keep finding myself thinking how everything I do would be even more enjoyable if she was there too. 

I feel like she already has power over me. 

Tuesday

It’s my final day off from work. I organised to see the gig-girl in the evening, so I spent the day picking out clothes, trimming my hair (everywhere) and making myself smell nice.

I met her after she finished work in central London, and we went to the cinema. It was one of those Everyman theatres, so we got to cuddle up on one of the sofas together, share a few kisses and have a cocktail. It was great to see that there was still chemistry between us.

After finishing at the cinema and having some more cocktails, we headed back to her place. As it was incredibly late already, and we both had to get up early, we went straight up to the bedroom to get settled.

I was greeted harshly by her cat before it ran off, then we had the bedroom to ourselves.

We started kissing and undressing each other; I thought this was the perfect opportunity to get back at her for teasing me a few days ago. I told her how I didn’t want sex tonight while kissing her neck and caressing her body.

However, this seemed to rally her and I gave in to my own lust. She was just too hot to resist.

Another opportunity for revenge came later when she tried to get on top. I pushed her back down, holding her tightly, and told her how tonight, I was in control.

This turned out to be a fantastic move as we had incredible, intimate sex while she got off on the idea of being dominated. 

We cuddled until we realised just how late it was, and how we would both need to be up for work in less than four hours. Time to sleep.

More: Sex

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Need a relationship reboot? Here's how to revive the romance

Wednesday

I was woken up by her faint alarm and her gentle movements.

I think I felt her kiss my back a few times and when I turned over, I saw her cat giving me a death glare. I swear that animal is going to off me in my sleep one day.

We got up after a few kisses and started getting ready for work.

I shouldn’t have stayed at hers on a work night as she lives almost two hours away from my job, but life is full of opportunities, and you only regret the ones you don’t seize. 

We made our way out of her house to catch our train into the city. She held my hand and kissed me, whispering: ‘I wish we could have had morning sex’.

I must have done something amazing in a previous life because I do not deserve this girl. 

After bumping into her friends on the train, grabbing a Greggs and riding the Metropolitan Line, I made it to work with only a few minutes to spare.

The morning was full of long meetings and I found myself in a constant cycle of two contradictory states: smirking while reminiscing about our night of hot sex, and very obviously trying to stop my eyes from closing.

*Name has been changed

How I Do It

In Metro.co.uk’s How I Do It you get a sneak peek into a week of a person’s sex and love life – from vanilla love-making to fetishes, threesomes and polyamorous relationships, they reveal it all.

Fancy taking part yourself? Email [email protected] for more information.

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Get in touch by emailing [email protected]

MORE : How I Do It: ‘There are basically zero things about monogamy that appeal to me’

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2017 IN FILM - PART 1 (84-71)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again! No, not Christmas. It’s Awards Season, my friends. The time of year where we look back at the films that graced cinemas over the calendar year, and where, just like last year, I tell you all about every new movie I saw in that time. With the announcement of the Academy Awards nominees I’ve decided that we’ll begin our journey today with the worst of the worst that 2017 had to offer. Over the course of the year I saw 84 films. Some were good, some were bad, and still others had Emoji in the title, so without any further ado, my ranked list of every 2017 movie I’ve seen.

84. The Emoji Movie

“We’re number two! We’re number two!”

The Emoji Movie, despite being at the bottom of my rankings, is not the worst movie of 2017. That’s because this ninety minute misstep isn’t a film, it’s an advertisement. While it might seem silly to make such a distinction (there is a plot that actually makes a shred of sense, it’s at least feature length, etc.), it’s incredibly hard to get past just how often this advertisement detours from its central plot just to make a cheap and out of touch product placement for an outdated app like Candy Crush. The Emoji Movie’s greatest offense, however, is when it tries to capitalize on the inherent meme culture that surrounded itself from the pre-production stage by creating a new dance called ‘The Emoji Pop’, that I am absolutely certain they thought was going to catch on with the youth of the world. Sony Pictures Animation’s latest cash-grab is an unoriginal, unfunny, and morally questionable mess. At least the animation is decent?

83. Unforgettable

“There was a time when I thought we were on the road to getting back together...but then he met you.”

Here it is, my lowest rated film of 2017! While a lot of times a movie can be bad for being incoherent, unoriginal, or offensive, I often say that the worst sin a film can commit is being boring. Unforgettable commits that sin. While I can admire Rosario Dawson’s commitment to this truly awful retread of the “crazy ex-wife” trope that was popularized by every Lifetime movie ever, its Katherine Heigl’s performance that makes the film somewhat endurable. It’s over the top in all of the best “so bad it’s good” ways. After thirty minutes of being bored out of my mind I found the best way to get through this cinematic torture was to watch for the next hilariously overacted bit of poorly written dialogue that would come out of Heigl’s mouth. In the end though, you can’t blame her for trying to make the best out of such a predictable and horribly paced film. Unfortunately it would seem that Unforgettable is by far the most forgettable film of 2017.

82. Phoenix Forgotten

“I just want to apologize to Mike's mom, Josh's mom, and my mom. And I'm sorry to everyone.”

Do you remember Phoenix Forgotten? No? Neither do I...yes I know that’s two jokes about forgettable movies with some form of ‘forget’ in the title in a row, but I just couldn’t help myself. Just like the screenwriters for this film couldn’t help themselves from stealing every plot point in the movie from not only the 1999 horror classic The Blair Witch Project, but also taking several ideas from last year’s sequel; Blair Witch. It’s absolutely shameless how little originality can be found within the film’s eighty minute runtime. The film follows three college high-school students lost in the woods desert, searching for a witch aliens who terrorize a town, while footage from the present day follows the protagonist’s brother sister who is still haunted by the sudden disappearance of their sibling. All of this blatant plagiarism wouldn’t have even been so bad had the movie at least been decent, but who needs to make a good film when you can just ride on the coat tails of a horror film that is already beloved? No other release this year sparked such a passionately heated response from me which shocks myself the most considering I’m not even that big of a fan of The Blair Witch Project in the first place! Oh well...at least they don’t fight about a map in this one...or did they?

81. The Bye Bye Man

“Don’t think it! Don’t say it!”

If Phoenix Forgotten is horrible for being unoriginal, then The Bye Bye Man is horrible for being completely and laughably incompetent in every way. The entire film is based on the premise that if you say or think his name then he will come and...make you go bye-bye? The rules are completely unclear, and that’s a huge part of the problem. The threat of the Bye Bye Man (I seriously hate that name) is hindered by the fact that it’s impossible to understand what his powers are. Sometimes he can make our poorly acted main characters see things that aren’t really there. Sometimes he can possess them. Sometimes he can...make them impotent? Who encouraged the thought that that would be a good thing to include in their supernatural horror film? Like, I get it, erectile dysfunction is a serious and scary thing that affects more than three million American men every year, but it’s not really the kind of fear I’m looking for in a movie called The Bye Bye Man. I’d continue to discuss this one, but, I mean, it’s all in the name. Also in this scene from the movie. Enjoy.

80. Amityville: The Awakening

“God gave up on us, sweetheart...”

I had been watching the post-production and release of this film very closely for years before it was eventually released this past October. While that might not seem too out of the ordinary, you have to keep in mind that this was filmed in 2014. That is three years of reshoots and pushed back releases. However, when all seemed bleak and I thought I might never get the chance to watch what was sure to be a glorious train wreck, the film was released to own for free on the Google Play store. However, even with my rock bottom expectations, I was still disappointed by Amityville: The Awakening. While I was expecting something laughably bad, what I got was an end product that was more boring than anything else. And while I haven’t seen any of the other films in the Amityville franchise, I can’t help but feel contempt for its continued use of a real family’s suffering all in the name of making money. I guess it’s a good thing this one only made $742 dollars on its opening weekend then, yeah?

79. Wish Upon

“Hold up, you dig on multiverses?”

One shot. I liked one shot in this entire movie. Everything else is lazily written drivel. It’s not all that hard to get me on board for a movie with Final Destination style deaths. I love how silly and over-the-top those films are, and I’ve always thought that bringing that style of Rube Goldberg death traps into more films could provide for entertaining new ideas. This movie has none of that. Its biggest offenses, however, come when it also tries to tackle the well-worn “be careful what you wish for” message. Besides the weird moment where Joey King’s character wishes that her dad would become cooler which then in turn leads to her friend wanting to to sleep with him, the moral of the story is so trite at this point that even adding a horror element into the mix can’t save this from being nothing but bland. Looks like the director should have wished for a better movie.

78. Rings

“There's a mark on your hand. It says ‘rebirth’.”

If Rings was an attempt to bring the horror franchise into modern technology by presenting Samara’s video as a metaphorical computer virus, or even commenting on the state of internet content as a whole, then this movie completely fails on that front. Seriously, the only time this movie even brings that aspect into play is in the last two minutes of the film. No joke. Everything else up to that point is a senseless retread of the previous two American films in the franchise. On top of that, it is easy to tell that Rings fell victim to countless reshoots and rewrites. There is no finer example of that than the fact that this film has two cold opens. It’s almost as though they had the plane cold open (the one from all of the trailers) from a previous version of the movie and thought it was just so good that they couldn’t leave it on the cutting room floor. If it were up to me I would have left the entire film on the cutting room floor.

77. The Mummy

“Sometimes it does take a monster to fight a monster.”

How do you kill an entire cinematic universe in one fell swoop? Ask The Mummy. Sure, that might be a low blow, but The Mummy is one of the most sorry excuses for a blockbuster I’ve ever seen. When the entire conflict of your entire supernatural action flick can be boiled down to ‘who would Tom Cruise rather sleep with? A mummy or an alive woman’ you know you went wrong somewhere down the line. The worst part about this is that there are moments where you can see where they’re coming from and what they’re trying to accomplish, but they just can’t seem to make any logical sense of it. Scenes are often rushed or dragged on for far too long and it becomes clear that nobody involved had any grasp on how a film should be paced...or written...or acted...or made at all.

76. Rock Dog

“Dad, I’ve decided to become a musician.”

I barely remember this movie. There is a dog. He shoots lasers out of his hands (not kidding). He rocks I’m guessing. I know I watched this, but everything about it was so generic and well-worn that I felt like I had seen this before, just done a lot better. I had never seen laser dog hands before though. Sure the moral about following your dreams and standing up for what you believe in is good, but when it comes to children’s entertainment you can do so much better. Unless you want to see a dog shoot lasers out of his hands. This movie has got you covered on that.

75. Fist Fight

“Teachers can’t fight!”

I wanted to really enjoy Fist Fight. It’s filled to the brim with actors I find quite funny, like Charlie Day, Jillian Bell, and Kumail Nanjiani, but it’s hard for these comedic talents to find anything to work with when the plot for the film is so bare-bones. Outside of the original comedic value in thinking of teachers fist fighting in the schoolyard, it’s hard to find much else to do with that premise. Nothing speaks more to the failure of this film than the fact that I didn’t laugh even once. The story is dumb, the jokes are played out, and worst of all the director wastes some of the best comedic actors in the industry on a movie that barely even functions.

74. Split

“Someone's coming for you, and you're not gonna like it.”

Controversial Opinion Alert! When I first saw Split I felt like I was alone on my island of disapproval of this film. The world seemed to be completely sold on M. Night Shyamalan’s most recent directorial endeavor, but something just felt off to me about it. It took me a few months and discussions with my friend Aaron when he finally cracked the case wide open; while everyone was expecting the film to vilify individuals with mental illness, the exact opposite comes true in the final act. Split goes so far as to glorify mental illness and being ‘broken’ in a way that feels unbelievably gross to me. If you want to read more of my thoughts about the exposition-heavy writing side of the film you can do so here, but I can’t even begin to explain how horrible of a message this is, so let’s just move on, shall we?

73. Sandy Wexler

“You can’t stop a shooting star, scientists have proven this.”

If it weren’t for its ungodly long runtime and constant detours into meaningless garbage, Sandy Wexler might actually be alright. In fact, this film does something that an Adam Sandler film hasn’t done for a very long time: it made me laugh. Sure it was just once and every other attempt at humor is just as overdone and juvenile as anything else he’s made, but a small step in the right direction is still a step. Last year for my ‘year in review’ I covered another Adam Sandler flick called The Do-Over, and in that mini review I called Sandler’s recent string of films a downward spiral in quality and ability. Now, if that was true, then Sandy Wexler is the first step towards getting out of that creative hole he’s found himself in. What can I say? I’m an optimist.

72. Despicable Me 3

“You told me my father died of disappointment the day I was born!”

Despicable Three (yes I’m calling it that and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me) is the same brand of gutter trash we’ve come to expect from Illumination Studios. The story is nonsensical, the animation is sinfully simplistic, and the Minions...my god...the Minions. Once again, I have to ask how Illumination Studios have become so popular with American audiences? I truly do not understand. Every character, every plot line, every joke feels focus tested to death. There is no originality in any of these frames. The heart and soul of the original is gone and replaced with Minions merchandise. Every decision seems to be based around how merchandisable they can make every second of their sensory overloading piece of garbage they have the nerve to call a film. I hate Despicable Three and everything it stands for. That being said, I love hearing Trey Parker’s voice come out of a children’s cartoon. 

71. The Circle

“Knowing is good, but knowing everything is better.”

I love how much I hate The Circle. If you’re looking for a basic description of what this YA fiction masterpiece in preaching is all about, then imagine Black Mirror, but remove all of the subtlety and nuance about a world run by tech and replace it with a caveman grunting “technology bad.” There you have it, a screenplay worthy of Tom Hanks and Emma Watson’s time and talent. Just kidding. Why would they ever agree to this? Maybe they too hate the dangers of social media so much that they can look past all the good it can do. The worst part about it all though is that the film constantly insults the intelligence of its audience by claiming that there is no healthy middle ground to take between being completely obsessed with technology and living off the grid entirely. Which reminds me? Why are you reading this online? Go make weird deer antler ornaments or something you tech junkie.

That’s all for today, but join me tomorrow as I cover three bombastic blockbusters, two unsettlingly bad thrillers, and one movie about a baby that’s also a boss...no hints.

Aye, that’ll do 2017

I started 2017 on a beach in Portugal. I had a perfect bruise imprint of a giant black dog’s teeth on the fleshy part of my upper arm. That morning a dog had leapt at me, teeth bared and bit down hard while its owner casually hit it until it released me. Thanks to my big winter coat, I didn’t lose a chunk of my arm and we caught a coach to the beach as planned. At midnight we watched fireworks over the inky sea and then later, down at the shore, witnessed a line of over-boozed teenage boys peeing long arcs into the famous Nazare waves while their skimpily dressed girlfriends shivered patiently beside them.

I woke on the first morning of 2017 knowing how I should restructure my third novel (which had massively and fucking annoyingly eluded me for most 2016) and with a fresh understanding that, in the wake of Brexit and Trump the rise right wing fuckwittery generally, I needed my writing to ‘do something’. Of course all writing ‘does something’ but I needed what I wrote to fit into my own personal sense of trying to resist, persist, to fight…and that is when I started thinking about writing a book about what it is like to grow up in poverty, to grow up in a society which is structurally unequal and to question how, decade to decade, nothing seems change though the problems are clear.

In 2017 we travelled through ten countries. From Lisbon we travelled to Bangkok where we spent two months exploring our neighbourhood Sois, careening across the city on motorbikes, sometimes taking a trip to the sea where we slept in bamboo rooms on stilts, the sound of the waves whooshing underneath us like breath.

Next, I wanted to show Peter my beloved Vietnam. We took sleeper trains from Saigon to Hanoi. I showed him my old haunts, we found new ones. On a windy mountain pass in Sapa Peter proposed with a tiny sapphire ring carried with him all the way from Saigon. I said yes and we sat down with our motorcycle drivers and a man who owned the tarpaulin shack at the edge of the mountain and drank 2in1 coffee and Redbulls in celebration. It was perfect.

We flew to Malaysia and trekked a National Park where giant lizards roamed and ended up on a beach with hammocks and cheeky one armed monkeys. Otherwise in Malaysia we ate. Bowls and bowls of Chinese, Indian, Malay food our faces full of happiness and noodles.

After that there was a month in Prague, two months in a much changed Budapest in a grand, crumbling apartment, a month in summery Krakow swimming in quarries and drinking in Absinthe bars. I briefly returned to the UK to meet a ton of excellent writers and literary types as part of International Literary Showcase in Norwich. I have plenty to say about these places and that time but probably the most important thing to mention is that in Krakow I finally (fucking finally) finished that tricky (so fucking tricky) third novel and wrote the proposal for my first nonfiction book, Lowborn - the book I want to write to ‘do something’.

When we’d left the UK our intention had been to travel and work indefinitely but, as has always happened to me after five or more months on the road, I started to wish for ‘home’. Nowhere seemed quite right enough to put down roots, learn a language and bend ourselves to a place’s new ways. Besides, I had a book to write which would see me travel up and down the UK. And so we moved to Liverpool.

I wouldn’t quite say we picked Liverpool by sticking a pin in a map but mostly we did. We knew that London, as much as it was home, had become financially impossible – we didn’t want to be clinging on to our fingernails to a city. We wanted a city that wanted us. Scotland was too far from our former life, friends and family. We’d both visited Liverpool and quite liked it, it was ‘in the middle things’, it was a city, it had a Tate and the seaside nearby. OK, we thought, why not there?

It was risky and it was also the best decision we ever made. Liverpool is one of the warmest, most humane places I have ever lived. Every day I leave my house and have an interaction that renews my faith in the inherent goodness of people. There is gold to be found in Liverpool – brilliant art, gigs, food, drink, cinema and all the rest of it. London will always have a piece of my heart. I miss the hubbub, the sheer abundance of life there. It was the closest thing I’d ever had to home. But Liverpool is treating us so well. There’s less ‘noise’, it’s less exhausting and in that new space there is time to think, to be creative. Every day I say to Peter, ‘I love it here’. 

In Autumn I announced my new books would be published by Chatto & Windus. This is not a literary climate in which to count your chickens and especially not if you’re writing feminist, working class, literary fiction and happy is an inadequate word for how I feel about getting to write two more books, particularly with a publisher who have always championed (and an editor who makes infinitely better) my strange brand of writing. Lowborn will be published a January 2019, the novel after that.

There have been other wonderful things this year. The opportunity to write a monthly series about writing Lowborn for The Pool (side note: in 2017 writing a single article for The Pool was my greatest ambition). Those pieces are the most personal thing I have ever written, I feel nervous to the pit of my stomach each time they are published, and they are one of the best things in a good long run of best things I’ve had.  Getting to write about things that I feel are important, for such a broad audience and the responses to those articles have been a joy, an utter joy. Likewise, my beautiful three weeks in snowy, mystical Latvia on residency thanks to the Writer’s Centre Norwich and the British Council. I ate a lot of soup, drank gallons of coffee, wrote tens of thousands words of Lowbown, fell in love with the residency cat, Rudi, and wandered the winter streets thinking, untangling, reassembling. It was bliss.

2017 hasn’t all been cake and delight, mind. I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and have fought those untamed things that have followed me for years no matter how far I travelled. But, like that big black dog in Portugal trying to sink its teeth in, they bruised but didn’t break the skin. Instead, they allowed for a big shift and an important change of perspective. But that’s probably another piece of writing for another time.

In 2018? I will write each day, think about the messy world we live in and where I stand within it. I’ll continue to explore how to make change, resist, persist, live well and with decency and I can’t think of anything I could be more grateful for.

Happy new year to youse lot. 

The London (Quarantine) Dinner & A Movie Guide (1) added to Google Docs

The London (Quarantine) Dinner & A Movie Guide (1)

Food and film is one of life’s great combinations. And though you can’t plan on which restaurant or what cinema right now, you can still invest far too much time in choosing what to stream and where to order from. Because, at the end of the day (not that we know what day it is), there isn’t much else to do. So that’s why we’ve written a guide on some of our favourite takeaway and movie combinations. With our current viewing schedule we’ll more than likely be updating this regularly.

THE SPOTS  Karolina Wiercigroch Royal China Club £ £ £ £ Chinese  in  Marylebone ££££ 40 Baker St Not

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Film Pairing: John Wick 3 (Netflix)

“If you’ve ever seen any of the John Wick films, then you’ll know that John Wick is not a man to be messed with. He’s loved, he’s lost, he’s avoided multiple lynchings. John Wick is an all-or-nothing guy. As in, he’ll kill all and nothing is safe from being transformed into a weapon of murderous potential in his hand. So with that in mind, we’d be terrified to see what he could do with a pair of chopsticks from Royal China. But his unforgiving approach is helpful when ordering from this stalwart Chinese spot. Just as he picks off bodies on screen, you’ll want to be picking off cheung fun, siu mai, and prawn rolls. All the dim sum menu, and some more. Show no mercy. He certainly doesn’t.” - JM

 Mac & Wild £ £ £ £ British  in  Fitzrovia ££££ 65 Great Titchfield St 8.2 /10

Film Pairing: Celeste and Jesse Forever (Amazon)

“If you’ve ever been through a confusing break-up, you should watch this film. Because if red wine’s match is cheese, then this film’s match is listening to five solid hours of Robyn whilst dancing. And when I say dancing, I mean, manically weeping. This modern break-up number is about two best mates, who also happen to be a couple in the midst of divorcing each other. There’s romance. There’s comedic heartbreak gold. And there’s an exceptional scene where Rashida Jones drowns her break-up blues in ranch dressing and burgers. Fuck it, do the same. Get involved in the venimoo burger kit from Mac and Wild. The salt from your tears will really make that bearnaise sauce pop.” - HLB

 Giulia Verdinelli The Camberwell Arms £ £ £ £ British ,  Pub  in  Camberwell ££££ 65 Camberwell Church St 8.4 /10

Film Pairing: The King (Netflix)

“I wouldn’t describe myself as pro-monarchy or anything, but I do loyally and unflinchingly serve my king. And if that involves rewatching all 140 minutes of The King, just to see Timotheé Chalamet emerge from the sea, sword in hand, looking like the bowl-cut lead singer of a confusingly medieval mid-2000s indie band, then so be it. The fact of the matter is that this Shakespearian butchering is actively bad, even with Robert Pattinson doing his best Monty Python-ish French accent. But it is good to look at, so you may as well make a meal of it with a medieval serving of beef, ale, and bone marrow pie from The Camberwell Arms, and enough booze to lead you confidently into war with an enjoyably subpar film.” - JM

 Homeslice Pizza Fitzrovia £ £ £ £ Pizza  in  Fitzrovia ££££ 52 Wells Street Not

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Film Pairing: Just Go With It (Netflix)

“Let’s be real. You’re going to feel good watching anything with Adam Sandler in it. But Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston? Is it possible to feel too good? Answer no. This light, hilarious, and adorable rom-com is all about pretending. Hiring your assistant to pretend to be your ex-wife, putting on a pretend British accent, and pretending to love your fake kids. But most of all, it’s about family. So order the ultimate family sharing food, a couple of 20-inch pizzas from Homeslice and share it with your quarantine family, whether that’s your parents, your flatmate, or your house plant. And while you’re at it, order one of their bottled cocktails, add a colourful umbrella and in true Just Go With It fashion, pretend that you’re also in Hawaii.” - RS

 La Mia Mamma £ £ £ £ Italian  in  Chelsea ££££ 257 King’s Road 8.1 /10

Film Pairing: The Martian (Netflix)

“A Ridley Scott film all about a person stranded alone, tending to a bunch of plants, and eating ketchup out of a mug. Honestly, I can’t relate. Only rather than being in a North London flat surrounded by cacti and condiments, Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is stuck on Mars after a space mission goes awry. He has 50 days worth of food left. I need to try and stop myself from eating 50 days worth of food in the next hour. Our plights, similar. But both of our problems would be solved by the huge La Mia Mamma survival kit that involves everything from charcuterie, to handmade pasta, pizza dough, wine, cannoli, and more. Although the Italian mammas behind this great little place might not have mastered intergalactic shipping (yet), they are delivering across the whole of London.” - HLB

 Rob Grieg Taquería ££££ 139-144 Westbourne Grove

Film Parining: What If (Amazon)

“My reasons for encouraging you to watch this film are two-fold. Reason one: Adam Driver’s face. Reason two: Adam Driver saying the iconic line, ‘I’ve just had sex, I’m about to eat [shouting] nachos. This is the greatest moment of my life’. An indie rom-com situation following Harry Potter (sorry, Daniel Radcliffe) as he tries to work out the whole being in love with a best mate thing. Which is lovely, but again, this is about Adam Driver. Be like Adam. Eat like Adam. Order some nachos, plenty of tacos, and obviously the churros, from Notting Hill’s Taqueria. And yes, Adam would approve of ordering a hibiscus margarita too.” - HLB

 Yauatcha £ £ £ £ Chinese ,  Dim Sum  in  Soho ££££ 15-17 Broadwick St 7.7 /10

Film Pairing: The Platform (Netflix)

“Although The Platform is equal parts dark, twisted, and disturbing, something about watching other people’s lives depend on how much leftovers they can eat in two minutes, makes you kinda hungry. Which is why you should pair this movie with Yauatcha’s ‘Blossom Menu for 2’. You’ll have enough dim sum to make you feel like you’re on Level 1, and it’s not on the meaty side which you’ll realise is not a coincidence once you’re about 26 minutes in. And order some cake from Yauatcha patisserie, you’ll want it when the panna cotta takes centre stage.” - RS

 Hash E8 £ £ £ £ Diner  in  Dalston ££££ 170 Dalston Lane Not

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Film Pairing: Phantom Thread (Netflix)

“Phantom Thread is a serious film. But you don’t need to take it too seriously. Sure, you could enjoy it - if you’ll excuse me coming over a bit Sight & Sound for a moment - for the thrill of having your expectations of co-dependency in creative relationships masterfully subverted, but there’s also a lot of fun to be had. There are grand yesteryear-ish locations, a magnificent array of socks and ascots, and of course a series of intolerantly withering glances that lead character Reynolds Woodcock, played by Daniel Day-Lewis, shoots at anyone who dares to butter their toast too loudly. But then there’s that legendary breakfast order. You don’t need to use it as a basis for your selection from Hash E8 - I’m not even sure they’re delivering Welsh rarebit or pots of lapsang - but if you end your order with the totally random addition of sausages, you’re basically my hero.” - OJF

 Dominique Ansel Bakery £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery  in  Victoria ££££ 17-21 Elizabeth St 7.8 /10

Film Pairing: Marie Antoinette (Amazon)

“God I wish Sofia Coppola was directing my quarantine. I’d probably have some kind of groundbreaking fringe and exceptional pillows. For now, I’ll settle for watching her film Marie Antionette - a pumped up, rock and roll take on the life of a French queen and more importantly, historical cake supporter. If you’re able to watch the trailer without daydreaming about getting a bit feral with a salted caramel éclair, then you’re a stronger person than I am. But if you do fancy a luxury cake slice and some viennoiserie stat, then Belgravia’s Dominique Ansel is delivering their signature pastries, as well as pasta hampers, and fresh focaccia. Heads up, the soundtrack is a real winner too.” - HLB

 Giulia Verdinelli The Compton Arms £ £ £ £ British ,  Pub  in  Islington ££££ 4 Compton Avenue 8.0 /10

Film Pairing: Jurassic Park (Prime)

“Not everyone needs an excuse to do a dinosaur impression - my Mariah Carey-inspired velociraptor numbers are similar enough to the sound of foxes making love for them to go unnoticed - but if you’re looking for one, then order in from Four Legs at The Compton Arms. The first time I ordered their sensational cheeseburger in, I trundled up and down the stairs to collect it, caused multiple ripples, and inhaled it quicker than Samuel L Jackson does a Marlboro Red throughout this Spielberg masterpiece. Like cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and chocolate chip cookies, Jurassic Park is a classic. So it’s only right you pair accordingly.” - JM

 Zia Lucia ££££ 157 Holloway Rd

Film Pairing: The Terminal (Netflix)

“A classic warm and fuzzy Spielberg tale of a man who is forced to stay within the confines of JFK after a civil war in his own country means he can’t return home or leave the airport. As you can tell, I’m quite into films that depict people living through isolation at the moment. What can I say? I like watching Tom Hanks process loneliness, so I don’t have to. Anyway, there are plenty of scenes involving Hanks attempting to create a meal out of free ketchup sachets and crackers and I immediately thought ‘dear god, get this poor man a pizza’. Instead, I got myself one. Zia Lucia are delivering their 48-hour, slow-risen pizzas from Islington, Hammersmith, Wembley, and Aldgate East. Also, clap clap clap, there’s burrata too.” - HLB

 E. Pellicci £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery  in  Bethnal Green ££££ 332 Bethnal Green Rd 8.6 /10

Film Pairing: Snatch (Netflix)

“Back when you thought fake IDs and liquorice Rizla were life essentials is around the time when you thought Snatch was the greatest film ever made. And though Guy Ritchie’s Brylcream-slick style can grate the older you get and the more Nike adverts you watch, this gypsy crime caper is still a hugely watchable and quotable film. Short of eating jellied eels, a whole pie or a tray of cannelloni from E. Pellicci is the closest you’ll get to matching the geezer-ish antics on screen. Safe to say that, like Tyrone, you won’t be getting away from much after a tray of the caf’s legendary lasagne.” - JM

 Giulia Verdinelli Quality Wines £ £ £ £ British  in  Clerkenwell ,  Farringdon ££££ 88 - 94 Farringdon Road 8.0 /10

Film Pairing: Sour Grapes (Netflix)

“Halfway through watching Sour Grapes for the first time round I paused, started mixing Blossom Hill with Ribena, and asked my housemate to intermittently blow cigarette smoke and crumble bits of earth into the concoction. Sadly I never sourced an empty bottle of 1998 Châteauneuf-du-Pape, and thus my career as a wine forger ended with a muddy, blackberry-flavoured, ashtray. Minus $35 million and a few decent-looking dinners, this is, in essence, a not dissimilar story to the one told in the 2016 documentary about wine fraudster Rudy Kurniawan. It’s an engrossing (and weirdly inspiring) story that’s best matched with gildas, focaccia, terrine, and a whole lot of burgundy from Quality Wines.” - JM

The Cheese Bar £ £ £ £ American ,  Sandwiches  in  Camden ££££ Unit 93 North Yard Not

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Yet

Film Pairing: Aloha (Netflix)

“This is a dreadful film. Like, awful. But it has a stellar cast and I was ripely hungover, at altitude, when I first watched it. As such, the story of former US Air Force Officer Bradley Cooper being rehired by ex-boss Bill Murray to build some military thing in Hawaii while he battles past feelings for Rachel McAdams, and burgeoning ones for bolshy young Captain Emma Stone, holds a fond, if Bombay Sapphire-and-diazepam influenced, place in my heart. Should you watch it? Probably not. Will you? Yes. It’s linear, it’s predictable, and a fondue from The Cheese Bar feels like a suitably cheesy thing to eat with it.” - JM

 Giulia Verdinelli Beer + Burger £ £ £ £ Burgers  in  Hackney ££££ 464 Kingsland Rd Not

Rated

Yet

Film Pairing: Erin Brockovich (Netflix)

“Erin Brockovich is a tale of justice, redemption, determination, and the power of a push-up bra. Based on a true story about a David vs. Goliath lawsuit, it stars Julia Roberts at her curly-haired, strappy-sandal-wearing, American hero best. Order in a different American hero, the cheeseburger. More specifically, the double cheeseburger from Beer + Burger, who are delivering from Notting Hill, King’s Cross, Dalston, Willesden Green, and The O2 Centre. Bonus points if you can time it so you take a big, satisfying bite of dirty fries just as Julia knocks out the line ‘that’s all you got lady, two wrong feet and ugly shoes’.” - HLB

 Karolina Wiercigroch Mr Bao £ £ £ £ Taiwanese  in  Peckham ££££ 293 Rye Ln 8.1 /10

Film Pairing: Midsommar (Prime)

“You don’t need magic mushrooms to fully enjoy Midsommar, just like you don’t need to join a Swedish cult, or be continually gaslit by your partner. But in lieu of those things, you’ll want to order Mr. Bao’s teriyaki-marinated shiitake mushroom bao, complete with miso mayo and crispy shallots, to add a little necessary fun(ghi) to the experience. In fact, throw in some sweet potato fries, tenderstem broccoli, and some golden kimchi and you’ll have a multi-coloured, psychedelic experience of your own.” - JM

L'ETO Caffè ££££ 155 Wardour St

Film Pairing: Matilda (Netflix)

“If recreating the chocolate cake scene from this Roald Dahl adaptation isn’t on your bucket list, then we’re going to assume that you haven’t seen Matilda. Or you were too busy trying to move the TV remote with your mind to take in just how huge and sickeningly satisfying it looked when Bruce ate it with his hands. And if eating a chocolate cake the size of a car tyre is supposed to be a punishment, then why has it been in the back of our minds since we were six years old? And where can we get one? L’eto Caffe’s Old Fashioned Chocolate Cake is where you can, and should get one. Think chocolate sponge cake, with chocolate cream and raspberry layers and a shiny chocolate glaze. Eating this cake while watching Matilda is the ultimate power move. Do it for your six-year-old self. Eat the cake.” - RS

 Hide £ £ £ £ Modern European  in  Mayfair ££££ 85 Piccadilly 8.7 /10

Film Pairing: The Wolf Of Wall Street (Amazon Prime)

“This whole Scorsese film is basically just one big cluster fuck of greed, drugs, and Leonardo DiCaprio spitting. I love it. And you know what, there just aren’t enough films with lion cameos these days. The Wolf Of Wall Street is also about living the high life and it doesn’t get any more ‘I’ve made it’ than eating Hide’s seriously excellent fine dining food at home. I’m talking freshly baked madeleines, glazed salmon with white miso, soft-shell crab tempura, and a wagyu meatloaf. Honestly, the signature £24 black truffle croque monsieur is tasty enough to make you think ‘hmm, fraud, technically not great, but if I did dabble in just a teeny-tiny bit of money laundering, I could eat this for breakfast everyday’. Of course I’m kidding. Kind of.” - HLB

 Gloria £ £ £ £ Italian  in  Shoreditch ££££ 54-56 Great Eastern Street 8.3 /10

Film Pairing: Nights of Cabiria (Curon at Home)

“Gloria is a ridiculous, over-the-top, life-affirming, thoroughly joyous Italian restaurant in Shoreditch that’s offering delivery or collection. Nights of Cabiria is its perfect film pairing. Mostly because it’s got all those qualities in spades, but also because it’s thoroughly heart-breaking, and who doesn’t like to cry into a lasagne for four (for one) or a tiramisu for six (also for one). Be prepared to fall in love again and again with this mesmerising and irrepressibly optimistic Italian masterpiece. Just don’t come complaining to me when every other movie you watch for the rest of your life pales in comparison to its fun and energy.” - OJF

Fish Central £ £ £ £ British  in  Clerkenwell ££££ 149-151 Central St 7.0 /10

Film Pairing: Four Lions (Prime)

“Before Kim Kardashian broke the internet, four wannabe jihadists from Sheffield planned to blow it up. Chris Morris’ suicide bomber satire is, like the best British films, a story of poignant and fatal farce. Crows are detonated, bleach is bought, and mini Babybels are insulted. It’s the kind of comedy that could only come from these shores and, with that in mind, a trip down the chippy feels like the most fitting combination. Fish Central offers the classics and a little more, thanks to things like skate wings, scampi, and a prawn cocktail we can never say no to.” - JM

Juliet's ££££ 110 Mitcham Road

Film Pairing: The Apartment (Prime)

“I remember watching Some Like It Hot at school, but when I discovered the rest of Billy Wilder’s filmography, I had to put a firm hand on my own shoulder and tell myself to stop. Don’t gorge - I told myself. One day you’re going to need these... Little did I know that I would be right. That one day, the world would close and we’d all have stay at home for weeks on end. Fortunately I heeded my own words and have a stash of Billy Wilder films to watch and cheer myself up with. That said, I keep coming back to The Apartment. Not just because I relate to Jack Lemmon’s CC Baxter on a near cellular level, but also because it’s just so damned funny, and lovely, and lonely, and hopeful. It’s perfect. Pair it with a four-course meal kit for two from Juliet’s. It comes with a bottle of wine and crumble for dessert. Make it a theme evening by ordering a couple of marshmallow, chocolate and sea salt cookies and you get extra points.” - OJF

 Giulia Verdinelli Meatliquor W1 £ £ £ £ Burgers ,  Diner  in  Fitzrovia ££££ 37 - 38 Margaret Street 7.4 /10

Film Pairing: Fractured (Netflix)

“How to describe this movie… you remember that time when you lost your card holder on the Victoria line and how stressful it was? Now imagine the same thing, except this time you’ve lost your wife and six-year-old daughter. Yes, very stressful. Which means you’re inevitably going to want to be eating something that requires minimal attention and both hands. We’d go for the cheeseburger, halloumi mushroom burger, some deep-fried mac ’n’ cheese, and probably some buffalo wings. Plus, whatever our roommate wants.” - RS

via The Infatuation Feed https://www.theinfatuation.com/london/guides/dinner-and-a-movie-delivery-london Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://trello.com/userhuongsen

Created May 27, 2020 at 06:42PM /huong sen View Google Doc Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1xa6sRugRZk4MDSyctcqusGYBv1lXYkrF

by Paul Batters

Part Two continues with the wonderful, personal stories of how our featured writers came to discover and love classic film.

Maddy 

Blog: Maddy Loves Her Classic Films   Twitter: @TimeForAFilm

I grew up in the 1990’s and was brought up on the animated Disney films such as Bambi and The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. I was very into dance when I was little and my parents bought me the documentary That’s Dancing (1985). That introduced me to so many classic era actors and films. It especially got me interested in Fred and Ginger, The Nicholas Brothers, Gene Kelly and Eleanor Powell. I started to seek out many of their films as I grew up.

If I had to pick one film in particular that made me fall in love with this era of filmmaking, then it would have to be Top Hat. It was the first b&w film I saw and I loved everything about it – from the characters and the dancing, to the stunning sets and beautiful costumes. This girl was hooked! In my teens I discovered Alfred Hitchcock. His films made me a classic film fan for life. They were what first made me aware of the language of cinema and got me interested in how films were made. Rear Window was the first I saw and I remember eagerly returning to the Library every weekend to borrow more of his films.

Theresa Brown

Blog: CineMaven’s Essays From the Couch     Twitter: @CineMava

I would need to go into some type of hydro~therapy, deep dark hypnosis to pull the memory of what film led me into loving classic films; and also to get into my past life as Cleopatra. My parents told me I used to run into the living room and stand in front of the tv set during commercials. Commercials, for heaven’s sake!! Were they bite-sized movies for the tiny Baby Boomer I was? It’s hard for me to say just what film set me on this path of being a classic movie buff. My mom took us to practically ev’ry Disney movie back in the 1950’s. American TV of the 60’s and 70’s threw away a lot of “old movies” and I was up all hours of the night trying to get my fill. Maybe seeing these films was a way to connect to my father and aunt with movies they grew up seeing on the big screen. For my 16th birthday my father gave me my first movie book: on Bogart films. Cinemabilia was a NYC book store I got lost in for hours. Classic films are just in my DNA.

Aurora

Blog: Once Upon a Screen    Twitter: @CitizenScreen

I arrived in the United States from Cuba at the age of five and immediately fell in love with movies. We were given a secondhand television set where one day I happened upon Delmer Daves’ Dark Passage. The unique point of view sequence at the onset of the movie fascinated me even then. I longed to see the face that peered out at the dark, grim world. I have loved film noir ever since. The only other genre that competes is the musical; it is what truly made my imagination soar. I remember vividly seeing On the Town and marvelling at the notion that my father had brought me to a place where people danced on the street. We lived in a crowded New York City apartment. I remember too wishing that my family were just like the Smiths in Meet Me in St. Louis. Alas, there are too many of those moments to recount, too many ways the movies made me who I am. It is to those days, when I knew no one outside my family, when those characters were as real as any person I had ever met, that I owe my love of movies.

Robert Short – Writer

Having been a fan of classic films for over fifty years now, I find it difficult to ascribe any specific movie as the pivotal film that inspired my love of the golden era of filmdom.  During the 1960’s and 1970’s, the decades in which I chiefly grew up, the cinematic offerings from the 1930’s and 1940’s were the general fodder of movie viewing on television; I undoubtedly saw many from a very young age.  I can say with greater certainty that I had developed a conscious interest in “old movies”, a relative term, by the age of twelve or thirteen.  Perhaps the interest grew organically; perhaps it was a moment of epiphany.

Again, while I cannot pinpoint any definitive “watershed” title, there is possibly one film of note which served as a cornerstone in my movie-watching career.  “Juarez” marked my first “late show”, the late-night movies that I was finally permitted to watch after beginning high school in September 1969.  A typically lavish production from Warner Bros., and another quality contribution from 1939, the film was immensely entertaining, albeit often historically inaccurate.  Admittedly, the fact that “Juarez” was my introduction to the venerable institution of the late show, now gone by the wayside in the wake of our modern digital era, may seem very trivial and unimportant.  However, the late show itself was once the chief means to watch classic films; through it my access to many wonderful movies was greatly expanded.

Amanda Garrett

Blog: Old Hollywood Films  Twitter: @oldhollywood21

My lifelong love of affair with classic movies began when I stumbled across director John Ford’s Western Stagecoach (1939) on PBS when I was in grade school. It soon became my favourite movie mostly because I wanted to be BFFs with Doc Boone played by Thomas Mitchell (I didn’t understand that what I thought was very funny behaviour was caused by alcohol), and I secretly wanted to be Andy Devine mostly because I thought driving a stagecoach seemed like a cool job. I’ve watched Stagecoach dozens of times since then, and while I’ve given up my ambition of being a stagecoach driver, I still find the film a rewarding experience all these years later. There are several reasons for this including the masterful plot, which Ford unfolds with clockwork precision, and the roster of great character actors. Most of all, I return to Stagecoach because of Ford. The gruff director despised being called an artist or even worse an auteur, but the truth is he was both. Ford’s fluid camera work makes Stagecoach poetry in motion, and he would return to the theme of one man’s quest for justice throughout his career.

Name: Jay

Blog: Cinema Essentials   Twitter: @CineEssentials

Although I grew up watching classic films, most were colour films from the 1950s and 1960s. If there was one film that overcame my childhood resistance to black and white, then it was Green for Danger. It’s a brilliant comedy-thriller that plays with the conventions of the murder mystery genre.

Alastair Sim plays an eccentric detective sent to investigate a series of suspicious deaths at a hospital, where he finds a range of suspects. Sim is unquestionably the star of the show, but there are many good supporting performances, from Trevor Howard, Sally Gray, Leo Genn, Megs Jenkins and Rosamund John.

The film was made by Sidney Gilliat, who co-wrote The Lady Vanishes and its spiritual successor Night Train to Munich. That gives you an idea of the sort of humour and playful tone of the film, which are mixed with a bit of tension and an intriguing mystery.

I first saw Green for Danger when I was 7 or 8. I’ve seen it numerous times since, but I usually forget who the murderer is, because it’s the performances and characterisations that make it irresistible. And the film is so entertaining anyway, that it doesn’t really matter if you remember the solution or not.

Margot Shelby

Blog: Down These Mean Streets

It’s hard to say exactly when, how and why I became a classic film fan. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were interested so I discovered them myself. I was probably around five and I assume some classic film came on TV and I was hooked. I loved history (still do) and somehow old movies were like a history lesson, a window into another world. Something just clicked. I wish I could remember what the first movie was that really left an impression on me, but I really can’t.

I’m so jealous of the people who had friends and family who also like classic films.

Unfortunately I had nobody I could share my love of classic films with. My friends weren’t interested either, everybody was just shaking their heads about my obsession.

Well thankfully nowadays we have the internet and yes, there are other people like me out there. I’m not a freak! Good to know. 🙂

Carol

Blog: The Old Hollywood Garden

I created The Old Hollywood Garden because I wanted to express my love for the classics. I wanted to make people want to watch them, and I wanted to share my undying fascination with Hollywood’s Golden Age with the world.

I became a classic movie buff after viewing my very first classic movie which was Gilda (Charles Vidor, 1946). All the way back in 2007 when I was fifteen years old. I was flipping through the channels, and I stumbled upon it on an retrospective type of channel which shows old films and TV shows. Its black and white cinematography caught my attention straight-away and I put the remote down and watched it. I had no doubt in my mind this would be the start of something great for me and I couldn’t wait for it. I was barely half way through it and I already knew that I wanted to consume as many of these wonderful movies as possible. I was mesmerized by Rita Hayworth – who isn’t? – and I loved the love-hate relationship between Gilda and Johnny (Glenn Ford). It was hot. It was exciting. It was a masterclass in screen chemistry. Years later, I still think it’s the sexiest movie ever made.

I was drawn in by them mostly, but right from the start, I thought Gilda was so fascinating. Johnny’s voice-over narration in the beginning (‘To me, a dollar was a dollar in any language…’) was everything I’d imagined these things to be. Great lines, no non-sense attitude; straight-up cool. The plot was interesting enough – small-time gambler Johnny is hired by Ballin Mundson (George Macready) to work in his casino, not knowing Ballin’s wife is his ex-lover Gilda – and the performances were fantastic. Especially Rita Hayworth’s. Her most iconic role was also her greatest. A flawed character, multi-layered and yet mysterious. Confident and yet vulnerable. A sort of anti-heroine that no doubt paved the way for many female characters that followed it. It is still one of my favourite performances of all time and the reason I couldn’t take my eyes off Gilda the first time I saw it. A ‘femme fatale’, I later read. I was transfixed by this. Film noir was intriguing.

Years later, of course, I realised that Gilda isn’t quite a film noir (noir melodrama?) and Gilda isn’t really a femme fatale. Not in the traditional sense anyway. Looking back, Gilda was ahead of her time, in many ways. But back then, I just knew that this was endlessly fascinating. I had to watch more of these. So many more. I had to watch more stuff with Rita Hayworth in it. And Glenn Ford. I had to watch all of these films noirs. And the screwballs and the Pre-Codes. And the musicals! I had to watch all the Golden Age of Hollywood had to offer. Needless to say, I’ve been doing just that for twelve years and it has been absolutely blissful.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Columbia/Kobal/Shutterstock (5886203bk) Rita Hayworth Gilda – 1946 Director: Charles Vidor Columbia Lobby Card/Poster

It’s been an absolute honour to share the memories and feelings that classic film fans have about the films that matter to them and the experience of discovering classic film. The beauty is that those feelings do not go away but grow and flourish, as the journey continues and as we all discover and re-discover the films we have come to love. But it is also a wonderful thing to connect with classic film fans from around the world and share those experiences.

It has been an honour to share these contributions and my personal thanks to all who have contributed.

The Films That Brought Us To Love Classic Film – Part Two by Paul Batters Part Two continues with the wonderful, personal stories of how our featured writers came to discover and love classic film.

THESE MOVIES FUCK - JANUARY 2020

I watched ten movies this month. Let me tell you what I thought.

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968, dir. Sergio Leone) is a movie that tells you who it is right up front. The opening 15 minutes of this legendary spaghetti Western are paralleled in their perfection only by the other 150, establishing the tone for the whole movie; an excruciatingly slow, tense and beautiful crawl through the arid, picturesque blank slate of the desert. There is very little action in this movie, and not much in the way of dialogue. There doesn't need to be. Sergio Leone's direction, Ennio Morricone's music, and the subtle performances of a young Charles Bronson and a playing-shockingly-against-type Henry Fonda, among others, all congeal into a movie you could probably watch and love even if the dialogue wasn't there at all.

A Fistful of Dollars (1964, dir. Sergio Leone) is one of those movies that's more influential than it is good. It's undeniable how massive of an impact this movie left on film, from practically inventing a lot of what became the Spaghetti Western to launching the career of a young Clint Eastwood, but in my eyes this is a pretty weak movie. A low-budget remake of the classic Kurosawa jidaigeki picture Yojimbo, there's definitely a lot of charm here -- you can already see Sergio Leone's style in its infancy, and Clint Eastwood is as fantastic as ever in his portrayal of the Man with No Name here -- embodying that classic mysterious drifter archetype seemingly effortlessly -- but to my eyes there's just a lot missing here that makes it a sort of drab experience, unfortunately. Still worth a watch, and still very much recommended if you're interested in the history of low-budget film or the history of the Western in general.

Rambo: Last Blood (2019, dir. Adrian Grunberg) is a movie that left me massively conflicted; on the one hand, I want desperately to love the unapologetic throwback to '70s exploitation cinema (in particular, vigilante movies, low-budget spaghetti Westerns, and good old-fashioned splatter) that this movie clings to -- but on the other hand, it fully embodies all the worst elements of those movies and combines them with a pathetic excuse for a plotline, underdeveloped characters, and shoddy effects work. When I think Rambo, I think "Sylvester Stallone in the jungle, mowing down hordes of nameless mooks; this movie, conversely, feels more like a Chuck Bronson Death Wish movie than any of the previous Rambos, and carries all the baggage of that wave of '70s vigilante movies, the good and the bad. The way this movie portrays Mexicans makes me think it was written by a Fox News boomer, and given that Sly is in his 70s it totally might be; to be slightly fair to him this movie was apparently written before the excellent fourth Rambo movie, and its already-tired-in-2010 plotline has aged like milk since then. Not to mention the women characters in this, which are little more than props and only serve to give John Rambo a reason to kill everything in his line of sight, and have no personality beyond "morality pet for 70-year-old veteran guy". So I'm not sure how I felt about this movie on first watch. It is a love letter to all the great low-budget cinema that made loose cannon cowboys and renegade cops cool again, but doesn't seem to have learned at all from the 40 years since then.

For a Few Dollars More (1965, dir. Sergio Leone) is, for my money, the definitive spaghetti Western. Lee van Cleef and Clint Eastwood turn in classic performances as the quintessential badass bounty hunters kicking ass on the Mexican border. I love, love, love bounty hunter stories, and this is one of the great bounty hunter stories of all time -- though, don't try to follow the plot too closely, as it is definitely a bit of a mess, though it's at least a fun one. The first hour or so of this movie is basically all setup, whether that's setting up Clint Eastwood's character, setting up Lee van Cleef's character, them meeting in the bar, them trying to one-up each other, etc. But, once the plotline does kick in, it's a great time, with the villain El Indio being played by the great Gian Maria Volonte (who was also in A Fistful of Dollars), a giggling madman who leads a gang of bank robbers and has a brutal quickdraw hand. The scene in the church, where El Indio murders a man's wife and baby offscreen for selling him out and then forces him into a quickdraw duel, is one of the truly great scenes in Western history; this, also, is where you can see the classic elements of Sergio Leone's style begin to play out -- the extreme close-ups, the drawn-out tension, and of course the bombastic score by Ennio Morricone. And that, finally, is another thing that needs to be noted: this has perhaps one of Morricone's greatest scores; the main title theme is a classic piece of spaghetti Western music, up there with his similarly-incredible scores for Leone's next two pictures. To put it simply: if you like cowboys, if you like Clint Eastwood, or if you just plain like badass motherfuckers doing badass shit, this movie is a must fucking watch. Highly recommended.

Reviewing Parasite (2019, dir. Bong Joon-Ho) without spoiling it is pretty much like holding a hand grenade in your bare hands, so I am going to keep this as short as possible: This movie is at once hilarious and tragic. This movie is a sometimes-brutal satire of capitalism that pulls very few punches. This movie has convinced me that I need to watch Bong Joon-Ho's other stuff as soon as I can, and finally the important part: This movie deserves all of the hype it's been receiving. Highly, highly recommended.

I recently rewatched Kill Bill (2003-04, dir. Quentin Tarantino), and while it definitely isn't one of my favorite Tarantino joints, it's aged pretty well over the last 15, almost 20 years. A doting pastiche of all the '70s exploitation classics Quentin has made a living off his love for, everyone knows what Kill Bill is: A wedding rehearsal in Texas gets shot up -- massacred, in fact. 4 years later, the Bride rises from her coma and decides to get revenge by killing every one of the people that did it: members of an elite assassination team, led by her ex-lover Bill. There's a lot to love here: arterial sprays, limbs flying, white-bearded asshole kung-fu masters, entire scenes in Mandarin, the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, and all the rest. There's also copious amounts of gratuitous shots of Uma Thurman's feet (because, you know, Quentin Tarantino is a bit of a creep), and some absurdly campy dialogue writing (Uma Thurman calling everyone "Bitch" is the big one, it sounds so unnatural) that I can't quite tell whether it's intentionally or unintentionally cheesy. But overall I think this movie is still worth watching in 2020. It's at least as good a use of four hours as Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet is, and unlike Hamlet this has a decapitation in it.

Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood (2019, dir. Quentin Tarantino) may not be my favorite Quentin Tarantino film, but it's almost certainly his best one. It's unlike pretty much anything he ever did, a slow-burn character-driven drama that barely has a central plot at all. Some people say this movie is "about" Charles Manson, but that couldn't be further from the truth; largely, this movie consists of a slice-of-life examination of the late career of an "aging" (read: in his thirties) actor and his best friend and stunt double, played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt respectively. Manson and his acolytes only figure into maybe 25 minutes of the movie, 15 or so of those being the climax of the movie where the only real "action" in the movie takes place. I think the slow, low-key nature of this movie plays to Quentin's strong suits far more than just about any of his other movies do: he is at his best when he's writing conversations between the characters he puts so much love into creating, and as far as that goes I'd say this movie puts him in the same league as Mamet. So, if you have 3 hours spare, I'd say this is worth your time and attention for those 3 hours. Check it out.

The Lighthouse (2019, dir. Robert Eggers) is one of those movies that I really am going to need to watch again, but just on first watch: This is abjectly horrifying, and one of only a few movies to genuinely make me uncomfortable and uneasy watching it. To call this movie "scary" would be sort of a misnomer: I'm not "scared" watching these two men going insane, but I am filled with a deep and utter sense of dread as the whole thing proceeds. The atmosphere reminds me most of Vargtimmen, Ingmar Bergman's classic psychological horror masterpiece, with some definite Eraserhead elements thrown in the mix too, along with the period-accurate linguistics and creeping unease of Eggers' last movie, The Witch, which was his debut. We live in a damn great time for horror cinema if people like Robert Eggers and Ari Aster can put out their first two features and have all four of the movies be the magnum-opus level masterclasses in misery and terror that they are. There's clearly some stuff hidden deeper in this film's cracks and crevices that I couldn't glean from my first watch, but even without the stuff I inevitably missed, I highly recommend this movie.

The Irishman (2019, dir. Martin Scorsese) is Scorsese's masterpiece (I think I *like* Goodfellas more, but this is clearly the better movie), and possibly the greatest gangster movie, full stop. At turns an epic, a subtle, quiet drama, and a crushingly dark portrayal of the Mafia, I have never felt more tense watching a movie that isn't trying to scare me in my entire life. There is no romanticisation or pulled punches here. The violence in this movie is few and far between, and it is always, always shocking. Gunshots in this made me tense up and jump, a reaction that I cannot say I've had to guns in any other movie. And the last hour of this movie -- chronicling the demise of Jimmy Hoffa and its repercussions -- is the best thing Scorsese has ever put to film. An unbelievably beautiful work of film. Highly, highly recommended.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966, dir. Sergio Leone) is not the perfect masterpiece I expected it to be, but is certainly a damn great film nonetheless. There are some who would call this the greatest Western ever made, and I certainly can see some reasons why that would be the case: fantastic performances from Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach, an iconic and classic soundtrack by Ennio Morricone, and one of the greatest final 20-30 minutes of a movie of all time. The hype kinda overblew it for me, though, because even with all the great stuff going for it, this movie has some slightly damning flaws that bring it down a little bit for me, namely the second act being as sluggish as it is; this movie is 3 hours long, and it starts to drag a little bit during the second act. Additionally, I thought it was a strange choice to not develop any of the characters other than Tuco beyond a few key aspects: Clint is calculating, stoic and the fastest gun in the West, and Lee is a sadistic, greedy monster. Tuco (Wallach), at least, gets some more character development, in the scenes where Eastwood and Wallach are at the church nursing Eastwood back to health. I'll definitely need to see this one again sometime soon, but in my eyes I'd rather watch either Once Upon a Time in the West or For a Few Dollars More than this one. Still though, undeniably massively influential and still definitely worth watching. Check it out.

There’s my opinions. See you next month with ten more.

Making a Case for 13 Going on 30.

I can still remember my Wednesday evening History of Film class in Film school. (Yes I went to film school, we can still like cheesy rom-coms) And the night my professor, a former DP for Columbia during the “golden age of film” stood in front of the entire class and proclaimed we were about to view, what most experts call the greatest film of all time. You guessed it, Citizen Kane. 

He went on to explain that what made it so great was the technicality and the innovation of it. The first film to use flashback and continuous wide shots, blah blah. I thought it was a snooze fest of straight white male nonsense. Yeah technically it’s cool they did all that with cut and paste film. I respect that shit, I do. But Citizen Kane is one of the most un-relatable stories ever. At least to me as a gay woman. It’s like the Catcher in the Rye of film. I have a hard time identifying with rich white dudes who feel like they don’t belong in a world created for and by them. If anyone actually read this blog I bet I’d get ALL the haters up in here leaving me comments about how oppressed men are now. Do it. I masturbate with male tears.

ANYWAYS. Fuck Citizen Kane in it’s boring ass face. I’m here to talk about the greatest movie of all time. The movie that is best picture every year in my heart and soul always and the one movie by which every other movie is measured. 13 Going on Motherfucking 30.

Yes it’s entertaining. Yes it’s a feel good romish-com with a cute cast. Yes it has Judy Greer. But what makes it the best? I’ll break it down for you.

CAST:

We all know about JGar and MRuff, and before we get to Judy Greer, let’s talk about the supporting cast: 

Christa B Allen 

For you true Jgar fans you’ll note that this was not Christa’s only time playing a young Jen. She also does in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (another one of my faves but more problematic). Christa’s got the looks and the chops. She’s not only a dead ringer for the younger Rink, she’s also actually a great actress. Here’s what she looks like now BTW.

Pretty fucking spot on from the casting director I’d say. So if Christa B. Allen was the homerun, Sean Marquette (young MRUFF) is the grand slam. 

Then and now:

Yeah that could be Mark Ruffalo in the early 2000′s. And Sean does a great job himself in the younger role. Moving on.

BRIE OSCAR WINNER CAPTAIN MARVEL LARSON

In a bit part with ONE freaking line. She nailed it by the way. That’s how extra this movie is. Oscar winners as basically extras.

FUN FACT THAT ONLY A PSYCHO WOULD KNOW:

When Jenna is looking at her yearbook with Matty years later, it flashes this picture of the Six Chicks:

Notice Jenna is now “practically their leader” and Brie Larson is nowhere to be found. Presumably she has already been kidnapped and is in ROOM. Too dark? Or too REAL.

ANDY FUCKING SERKIS

You can use IMDB to go through this guy’s laundry list of amazing credits. And don’t stop at Gollum in LOTR because he was basically just getting started in this bitch. He’s also an accomplished director. He plays Jenna and Lucy’s (tom-tom) boss and the editor of Poise magazine. He’s also gay bc representation in 2004 hella mattered.

KATHY BAKER (Jenna’s mom)

Where have you seen her? Bitch, everywhere. She has a staggering list of nominations and awards from film, tv and stage where she’s had a phenomenal career. My favorite roles are between that gem up there in Edward Scissorhands and the woman of many marriages in the Jane Austen Book Club. She’s a legend and she’s NOT EVEN THE STAR OF THIS FILM.

Marcia DeBonis (Jenna’s admin asst)

It’s easier to tell you what she HASN’T been in. Like Kathy Baker, she’s made a career out of small, scene stealing roles. She also has a pretty impressive career in casting. 

I’m not going do Jen and Mark because we all know all of their shit. I’m the biggest JGar fan on earth so don’t get me started, but they are obviously mega stars and I need to save some room for.......here it comes...it’s finally here...you know it was coming..and here WE. FUCKING. GO.

JUDITH THERESE EVANS GREER

If Judy BAD BITCH OF LIFE Greer is in a movie? I’m seeing it. Why? BC SHE’s in EVERY MOVIE. Judy Greer is a brilliant silky chameleon with ferrari engine precision comedic timing. I would say she ties with Melanie Lynksey for all time underrated actress in history, but I think she pushes just past her since her body of work is unbelievably large. She has done indie, rom-com, sci-fi blockbuster, you name it. She can and has done anything and everything and I love her with every sad and broken cell in my fangirl body. She doesn’t support scenes, she carries them. And the only reason you think someone else is the star is because Judy wants you to think that. There are like 2 people on this Earth I love as much as I love Judy Greer and they are basically my mom and Claire Danes. She is an angel we do not deserve sent to us straight from a place we can never know. I legitimately worry that not enough people know what a treeey zzzurrre we have in Judy. I will do whatever I can to always spread the Gospel of Greer in this flaming shit bag of a world. If you haven’t seen Addicted to Fresno, please excuse yourself from whatever meaningless nonsense you’re doing right now to go watch it. Thanks.

STORY

A perfect cast, and yes this is one, does not a good film make on it’s own (see all those shitty Gary Marshall vignette films). 

Lucky for us we also have a perfect story.  This film has everything: redemption, friendship, love, betrayal, materialism, capitalism, competition, fucking TIME TRAVEL. And a dance number to goddamn Thriller. 

This movie created the catch-phrase, “Fabuloso”, which would eventually become the best smelling cleaning product of all time. It brought back Razzles, no doubt saving that entire brand from bankruptcy. It has complicated parental relationships, complex female friendships, a pre-wedding love confession scene, an NYC fall photoshoot montage, an accidentally fall-down kiss scene, a popular high school guy now a balding loser scene, a heroine saves the magazine scene, and a Pat Benetar slumber party pillow fight. 

SETTING

NEW. MOTHERFUCKING. YORK. CITY. Is there any other place where a 30 year old can be the editor of a fashion magazine and live in an $8 million apartment???

SOUNDTRACK

I mean, you’ve got The Go-Go’s, Whitney Houston, Madonna, Billy Joel, Liz Phair, Rick Springfield, Talking Heads, Soft Cell, I COULD ON AND ON. 

CONCLUSION

I am a rom-com SLUT. I have seen all of them, but this one is the stand out. Instead of limiting Jenna to the “she falls in love and finally changes her life” trope, it explores ALL the reasons Jenna’s life went off track. Not just because she lost her best friend along the way, but because now she’s dishonest, disloyal, and though she has the trappings of the life she dreamed of, she isn’t the person she thought she would be. In fact, Matty is not even the main thread of all of it. 

The takeaway here is that being present is more important than worrying and wishing about the future.Which is actually some intense deep Buddhist shit. 

By living in the moment we’re in, we can shape our lives however we want. Jenna was so intent on creating her idea of a perfect life, that she missed what was right in front of her. When she got a glimpse of what she thought she wanted, she realized how empty it was. The money, the cool job, the $8 million apartment doesn’t mean shit when you don’t have any real connections to anyone. And is there any better moment then when she goes back to her closet birthday party, kisses Matty and slams Tom-Tom’s drink in her face and calls her a “Biatch”? NO. It’s the most satisfying moment in American cinema. 

TWO THINGS

1.This movie has 0 diversity and is 100% straight white people problems. I acknowledge it. It is problematic. I don’t know what to say. It was the time, I didn’t make the movie, and thank the lorde things are changing.

2.Lucy’s take on Poise re-branding was 100,000% better than that Abercrombie bullshit Jenna came up. Don’t @ me.

JUDY GREER 2020

Day 2- Bad Start but I’ll make up for it by talking about Movies

Ok ok so we’re off to a bad start. 72 hours in and I only posted once. I feel like this was expected though and in my defense my senioritis has really consumed me. I’ve lost the will to do anything besides lie on my couch and watch movies.

This leads me to my thoughts of the day. I didn’t really know what to write about today since my first post was obviously an introduction. So, I thought I’d write about my favorite movies. This is something I think about a concerning amount and I love talking about it. Like I mentioned last time, I am such a hopeless romantic and there’s something so magical about the cinema. I hate going to the movies though which is kinda weird I guess. It’s mostly because I am so stingy and I hate spending money on stupid stuff. Anyways, here is a list of my all time favorite movies. Do not judge- some of these are kinda cringe-y I know.

1. Breakfast at Tiffany’s: This is my current favorite movie. I watched it for the first time a few months ago and I absolutely fell in love. I did not want it to end. The whole thing is just so romantic yet in a light, quirky, unexpected way. Every time I hear Moon River I want to cry- it just sounds so beautiful, I love it. The only bad thing about this movie is the really racist part. The landlord of the apartment building is an actor in yellow face which obviously is so problematic. I kinda wish they could release an edited version of the film with that character edited out. If you ignore that though it’s like the greatest ever.

2. The Incredibles: This was my favorite movie until I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Everything about it reminds me of my childhood; my dad and I must have watched this movie together at least 20 times. Without a doubt this is the best pixar movie. I can probably quote the whole thing. 

3. The Princess Bride: Another nostalgic one, thanks to dad. Also another movie that I could quote the whole thing. The story just makes me so darn happy. It’s one of those movies that truly has something for everyone.

4. Stand By Me: Okay this is one of those movies that makes me cry every single time I see it. Specifically the part at the ending where they all kinda go their separate ways. Cause like the whole movie you think it’s going to have some happy ending where the four of them stay friends but instead it’s so realistic and they just grow apart. Something about that just really hits home and makes me cry. 

5.Roman Holiday: Okay I love Audrey Hepburn if you couldn’t tell. This was the first movie I saw of hers and I love the whole thing. When I went to Rome I was super extra and I made my family eat gelato on the Spanish Steps just like the princess. I always cry at the ending even though I know the whole movie there is no way they can end up together, the scene where she has to leave him is just so heartbreaking. 

6.Clueless: Okay name a more iconic movie I DARE YOU. This movie is actually life goals. I just love Cher so much. Even though she’s kinda one dimensional, I feel like in most movies you would hate a character like her but instead you can’t help but love her. And the clothes!! Don’t get me started about the clothes. I want every. single. outfit. The whole thing is just so damn aesthetic. Makes me wish I grew up in the 90s. Guess I was just ~born in the wrong generation~

7.Forrest Gump: This one doesn’t need a lot of explanation. It’s just such an interesting, captivating story. I wish more people were like Forrest. 

8.Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging: THIS. THIS IS QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT. I really identify with Georgia. I also narrate everything in my head. And I am so extra and predictable with everything (ie. I would totally attempt yoga and give myself a hair streak). But like that scene where she runs around in the olive costume? Brilliant. Correction: the whole movie is brilliant.

9. Hello Dolly: Forget Hairspray, Grease, and La La Land. This is the best movie musical. I also grew up with this one and I would always try and imitate Barbara's voice on all her lines. This just makes me so freaking happy.

10. Dream Girls:Okay another amazing movie musical, and a close second to Hello Dolly. Saw this when I was way too young tbh. But like Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson in one movie? How could it not be iconic? I know every single word to “It’s All Over” and I have no problem singing the whole thing to anyone who wants to listen. I love the ending too when Curtis is like “oh shit I have a kid”

So yeah. Those are my favorites. This has been a lot of typing so I’m gonna end this now. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow. We’ll see...

More eclectic thoughts to come.

SONG OF THE DAY: “Be Alright”, Ariana Grande

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: crying is a good thing 

I saw the Star War. TLJ spoilers under the cut.

I was spoiled for just about EVERYTHING in TLJ but despite that, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it once I actually saw all the weird shit in context. Some fans with similar tastes to mine seemed to hate it, but others thought it was mediocre with some redeeming traits, and then some actually liked it, so I didn’t know how I’d react.

And after seeing it, I'm... still not really sure how I feel about it?

I didn’t find the conflict between Poe and Holdo that interesting. I can appreciate that it provided a little character development for Poe, but it felt kind of contrived. 

There’s a lot of jarring humor in the first half hour or so of the movie. Like there are all these scenes where tension starts to build and pull you in, but then it’s shot down because someone just has to make some stupid, useless comment. And it just makes the writing seem really insecure, like they’re afraid the audience won’t take this seriously, so instead of just committing anyway, they have to throw in some elbow-jabby line to make it seem like they’re in on the joke, too. I found myself refusing to take scenes seriously because I knew the emotional build-up wasn’t going to pay off.

Leia gets shot into outer space and lives because... the Force? Honestly, fuck it, who cares, Leia can do whatever she wants.

I did like how Rey and Kylo’s skype calls were shown, how you could tell that they could see each other even though they were in different locations and weren’t even in the same shot. Kylo noticing the rain on his glove was a nice touch, too. Also, between shirtless Kylo and those.... things Luke milked on the island, there were entirely too many nipples in this movie.

Rey started sympathizing with Kylo WAY too easily, IMO. She saw this guy nearly kill her friend and also rip a hole in his own father’s chest, what, a week ago? If that? Why would she believe anything he tells her? I understand her not fully trusting Luke either, that’s fine, but her decision to try to get Kylo to switch sides was too abrupt. I’m not really against Rey trying to turn Kylo as a plot point, but it could’ve been written much better, and in a way that doesn’t make Rey look so naive.

Popular opinion, apparently: I didn’t care for the casino planet. Finn and Rose have to go there to find this one kind of annoying character who can get them access to the First Order, and along the way they see how the First Order is funded and all that, so it does play into the overall story, but it just felt like those two were lightyears away from the actual plot. Every time the movie cut back to that subplot I just dreaded it, and I hate that. Finn’s my favorite character, so his storyline should’ve been one of the highlights of the movie for me, but it was just so boring. Like the setting itself wasn’t very creative, the codebreaker they pick up is pretty forgettable, Finn and and Rose’s interactions are kind of flat (which is a shame because John and Kelly work great together in interviews and whatnot; it just seems like they weren’t really given any good dialogue to work with). The whole thing just felt like a waste of time. They definitely could’ve found something more interesting for Finn and Rose to do. I did like Finn telling whatshisfuck that he should give Rose her medallion back, though, and that whatshisfuck.... actually did it. That was kind of nice. I think what the writers were trying to do was solidify Finn’s commitment to the resistance, but... we sort of already did that? In TFA, he wants to run from the First Order and is on his way to do just that after leaving Rey at the cantina, but he changes his mind after the first Starkiller attack. And from then on, he’s on their side. Granted, his primary focus is saving Rey, but he’s still fighting alongside the resistance. And anyway, if you really wanted to do this sort of storyline (again), you could’ve found a more interesting way to do it.

I liked seeing Yoda again, especially his OT incarnation. I rewatch RotS at least once every Christmas, and that’s more consistently than I watch any of the other films, so I tend to forget that Yoda wasn’t always the calm, steady, powerful CGI figure that he is in the prequels. He actually started out (release order-wise) as this jankity puppet character who’s very wise but also kind of batty, and it was just really fun to see that version of him again.

I’m pretty sure my heart dropped into my stomach when Phasma showed up. For some reason, I completely forgot that she’d be aboard that ship too, so I wasn’t prepared for her at all. I think I actually gasped in the theater lmao.  I loved seeing her and Finn face off, and that she calls him a flaw in the machine (or something like that) and then “scum,” and I LOVE that he corrects her insult to “rebel scum” right before she dies... even if it does seem like a cap to a kind of redundant character arc, but what the hell, it’s still a good line. I would’ve liked some more build-up to this fight, though. I suppose Finn defeating her had more to do with what she represented to him than their personal relationship, but I dunno, it would’ve been cool for these two to get more than just one fight (and a very brief one at that). Also, Finn needs to fight with a lightsaber again before this trilogy ends.

Rey and Kylo kill Snoke in his very silly-looking throne room and then fight off all his equally silly-looking cherry jolly rancher henchman. Silliness aside, though, that was a great scene. Kylo using the Force to ignite the lightsaber and slice Snoke in half was gruesome and honestly really fucking cool, and I say that as someone who’s easily grossed out by that sort of thing. I also liked how the tone shifts when the fight’s over and Rey expects Kylo to call off the First Order and spare the rebels, and he refuses.

The fight scenes in general were fantastic in this movie. I especially loved how often Rey used a reverse grip with her lightsaber.

Luke and Leia’s reuinion was very sweet. I did cry a little over that.

Luke and Kylo’s face-off was great, too. I like that Luke apologizes, but still holds Kylo accountable for his actions. And I liked the line, “Kill me in anger, and I will always be with you,” and I can’t wait to see how that concept plays into IX. And I LOVE that Kylo doesn’t kill him (not for lack of trying, ofc...), but that instead, Luke sacrifices himself to give the resistance time to escape. I was just a little upset that Luke wasn’t really there, though, and that he didn’t really give Leia Han’s dice.

I liked the battle on Crait, too. The red soil getting kicked up from under the salt made for a lot of nice visuals. All the red dust in the scene where Kylo fired everything at Luke made it seem so much more brutal. I also liked the scene where Rose stopped Finn from sacrificing himself (by  crashing into him lmao, that could’ve ended very badly very easily). Rose kissing Finn was kind of random, but I liked her line about “saving what we love.”

Finn and Rey’s hug at the end was the single greatest moment of the entire film (and possibly all of 2017 cinema tbh). It was perfect. I love that Finn is the first one out of that cavern to her, and that there’s no hesitation or talking or anything between them. They are just immediately in each other’s arms and are so happy and relieved and it’s so beautiful and pure and I am devastated that this ship is sunk.  I mean... I dunno, I guess it could still happen, but right now, I’m thinking FinnRose’ll be endgame. Rey and Kylo will probably have some drama or whatever, but Kylo’s almost definitely a dead man in IX, so I kind of doubt we’ll get R*ylo as a final ship. Just no love triangle bullshit, please. I barely survived LoK’s, and I kinda  doubt a FinnReyRose triangle would end with ReyRose.

I gotta say, though, I was pretty disappointed in the lack of an actual relationship between Luke and Rey. I mean, they have a relationship technically, but there’s no bond. They eventually have this duel on the island, and Rey tells him she thinks she can turn Kylo on their side and leaves, and....... that’s the last time they ever see each other. It just felt so hollow. Instead, the movie focuses all the real drama on Luke and Kylo’s relationship, which honestly is fine. I was surprised that I actually didn’t mind all that much that Kylo got so much focus in TLJ because the movie at least built him up as a good villain for Rey, setting him up to be a very Vader-like counter to her Luke. I just wish I could’ve gotten that and some more development between Luke and Rey. I liked seeing Luke’s fear of training Rey after sensing the darkness in her, and I wanted to see some more focus and drama around that. In all fairness, though, Luke could come back as a Force ghost in IX and remedy some of this, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on it.

I’m fine with Rey not being a Skywalker (and she isn’t, assuming Kylo’s word is good for anything. It’s perfectly possible that he was lying, but even if he was, I still don’t think she’s a Skywalker. Luke showed 0 recognition of her, Leia and Han didn’t know her... Unless Shmi miraculously conceived another Force baby and didn’t tell anyone, I think this theory’s dead.). Truthfully, I mostly wanted her to be a Skywalker just because it would’ve established a foundation for her and Luke’s relationship, but I guess it wouldn’t really be necessary. I just wanted something substantial between these two, and... I didn’t get much of anything. And okay, I’ll just throw this out there: What I really, really wanted was for it to be revealed that Rey had been one of Luke’s padawans along with Ben when she was very young (and she later lost her memories of this via plot contrivance), and she was the only one Luke managed to save when Kylo went on his rampage. And instead of.... any number of better choices, Luke decided to hide her on Jakku and then go into hiding himself. And honestly, if there’s a fic with that premise, I want to read it. Hell, I’ll forget all about this movie’s canon and sub that in, I don’t care.

All that said....... We ever gonna learn anything about Finn’s lost family or what?

lol this write-up is all over the place, but that’s kind of how I feel about this movie: It’s all over the place. There are some good twists and nice moments, but god, you’ve gotta slog through all the forced humor and casino subplots and Holdo-Poe spats and everything else to get to to the good stuff. I’ve ping-ponged back and forth over whether or not I liked this movie as a whole, lol. A lot of fans seem to either love it or hate it, and I think I might be somewhere right in the middle.

If nothing else, though, it made me appreciate TFA that much more.

Life on a (Bollywood) film set

I arrived in Mumbai like legions of aspiring actors before me, and doubtless many more to come: with heady dreams of Bollywood stardom.

I have to admit that before moving to India, I had seen exactly one Bollywood film, and that was “Dhoom 1”, not exactly the height of cinematic achievement, I realise in retrospect, but I was hooked. I also (as mentioned in a previous post) had the dubious honour of singing “Tere Liye” from “Prince” at a Diwali Ball in graduate school. I didn’t have the faintest idea what the lyrics meant, and (having been trained in opera in my youth) I sang it like Brünnhilde. It was all very weird. When I learned that during my tenure in Mumbai, I’d be living mere blocks away from the legendary Shahrukh Khan, I believe my words were “Sharoo Who?” (Oh the heresy! The naiveté!)

I’ve been an avid thespian since I was 7 or so, chiefly acting in Shakespeare plays and musicals, so Bollywood – with its flair for melodrama, fondness for spectacle, and characters’ propensities for spontaneously bursting into elaborate song and dance routines – was a logical extension of my tastes. And once I got it into my head that I would portray the ingénue in Amir Khan’s next blockbuster (Dangal 2), I set about doing my homework.

I bought bootleg films in the local market and visited nearby movie stores to purchase boxed sets of Greatest Hits. I polled my coworkers for their all-time favourite Bollywood films and made a point of watching every movie they suggested [1]. A fellow Clinton fellow and Bollywood fanatic, the lovely Yasin Khan, and I teamed up to watch an Alia Bhatt flick “together” over Skype: her in Darjeeling, me in Chennai. Poor internet connections on both ends meant we had to re-sync our copies dozens of times, but we persevered.

One of my seminal experiences as a temporary Mumbaikar was patronising a matinee screening of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) [2] at the Maratha Mandir theatre. This particular venue has been showing DDLJ, perhaps the most iconic movie in Bollywood history, every. single. day. since its debut in 1995 [3]. When Katrina and I attended a showing one weekend morning in early February, I expected to find the theatre virtually empty – for who could possibly want to watch a film that’s been running for 22 years at 11:30 am on a Sunday? To my enormous surprise, the balcony was absolutely packed to the gills with raucous moviegoers. Thus began one of the most absurd and electrifying crowd spectacles I’ve ever experienced; indeed, it felt more reminiscent of a football game than a film screening.

When Kajol and SRK made their first appearances onscreen, the spectators erupted in cheers and wolf-whistles; they sang along with every song and recited large chunks of dialogue word-perfectly; at intermission they streamed out into the lobby for samosas and steaming cups of chai, chattering delightedly; and moments after the final epic train scene, when Kajol’s dad utters the now iconic lines “Ja Simran, ja, jee le apni zindagi!” (“Go Simran, go, live your life!”), the whooping and hollering crowd almost instantaneously dispersed, leaving an eerily quiet balcony littered with samosa wrappers and paper chai cups in their wake. It was an experience as bizarre as it was delightful, and it ranks among my warmest Mumbai memories.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge celebrates 900 weeks of continuous showings at the Maratha Mandir: “The One with Heart Will Win the Bride”. (Others)

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My first decisive step towards Inevitable Stardom was to enrol in Anupam Kher’s evening acting course, thinking it might be a good way to hone my technique and make contacts in the industry. Alas, I quit after the third session: the course was conducted entirely in Hindi, and my language skills weren’t nearly strong enough for me to grasp the finer aspects of the Stanislavski Method. I also didn’t particularly relish the thought of spending three hours every evening for the next month pretending to be a snowflake [4].

I set about creating half a dozen online audition profiles and cold-emailing scores of casting directors. In time, all manner of bizarre audition notices began trickling in. At one point it seemed likely that I would be the face of India’s leading deodorant brand (huzzah!), but sadly that particular career-making windfall never came to pass. There were several offers that offended my dignity: I turned down a chance to advertise razors since doing so required posing nearly nude. I was cast in a web-series as a stock western character with “loose morals” but I did not feel comfortable with the behaviors I would be required to portray, nor did I wish to perpetuate stereotypes about my race. My most persistent pursuer – who regaled me with dozens of emails and phone calls despite my repeated refusals – seemed quite desperate to find Western actresses willing to wear a revealing Mrs Claus costume at a gentleman’s club in Delhi.

A few of my attempts to break into the Indian acting world came tantalisingly close to fruition. I was cast as a British publisher in an independent film and met personally with the director to review the script and discuss scheduling, but the filming dates kept getting postponed until finally, it was time for me to leave India. I was asked to make an emergency appearance at a Bandra studio to play a bit part in a Marathi serial, but the director never followed up with a specific location. I gave a screen test at Yash Raj Studios, to no avail. I was also invited to audition for the lead in a Niraj Pandey film (my big break at last??); but once again, the agent never provided audition details. Quite near the end of the fellowship, I joined the cast of a Hindi-language production of Macbeth (a ludicrously improbable confluence of so many things I adore), but ultimately work and family obligations took precedence.

At around the halfway point of the fellowship, I resolved to take matters into my own hands. Mumbai guidebooks will tell you that a Westerner hoping to serve as an extra on a Bollywood film set can often get “scouted” in certain touristy areas of town. I sipped countless cold coffees at the Leopold Café on Colaba Causeway, with my hair coiffed and a neat stack of resumes resting coyly on the table beside me. I repeatedly visited a hostel where tourists can sign up for same-day gigs and was told (much to my bafflement!) that all the studios in the city were “shut for the season.” I religiously attended theatrical performances all over Mumbai – at the Prithvi Theater, St. Andrew’s Auditorium, the National Centre for the Performing Arts – in hopes of forging directorial contacts. I even tried to put up my own production of one of my favourite musicals, “The Last Five Years,” but was unable to cast a crucial role.

In the end – spoiler alert, dear friends! – I never “made it” in the way I had envisioned. I guess Bollywood stardom is just one of those bucket list items I’ll have to consign to the failure pile, along with becoming a guzheng (Chinese zither) virtuoso and successfully knitting socks. Perhaps I am doomed to spend the rest of my film-watching days bitterly coveting all of Kalki Koechlin’s roles. In the end, however, I have no regrets about my misadventurous foray into the Mumbai film world: after all, almost becoming a famous antiperspirant evangelist is something I can be proud of. And along the way, I gained firsthand insights into the sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhilarating and always the capricious world of Indian cinema.

But to end this post on a slightly more positive note: I haven’t entirely given hope. Somewhere in the bowels of the Yash Raj media archives is a 30-second clip of me speaking terrible Hindi; so perhaps one day, Amir Khan will come to his senses and FINALLY cast me as the lead in a remake of Rang de Basanti.

I’ll be keeping my Indian mobile phone charged just in case.

[1] Incidentally, the results of this informal survey constituted a fascinating study of my colleagues’ personalities and tastes: one co-worker suggested the delightfully goofy classics “Mr. India” and “Amar, Akhbar, Anthony;” another raved about “Mughal-e-Azam,” which is a cinematographic masterpiece but LONG and SLOW; while a few of my younger colleagues favored modern movies with political slants and social commentary, such as “PK” and “Pink.”

[2] I was also interested to note that many of the canonical Bollywood tropes – scenes shot in exotic locations, “bad boys” wooing “good girls,” unwelcome engagements and wedding mishaps, a final dramatic climax unfolding on a train – can trace their origins to the wildly popular DDLJ.

[3] At one point in the early 2000s (so the legend goes), the Maratha Mandir Theater decided it was time to end the daily showings of DDLJ; so the lead actor, Shahrukh Khan, simply purchased the establishment to keep his signature film running. This story is apocryphal, but fun to think about.

[4] As much as I adore and deeply respect the craft of acting, training in this field can sometimes be accurately characterised by my favourite Fry and Laurie sketch).

This article was originally published on 09/ 08/ 2017 on American India Foundation

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