Borta bra men hemma bäst

"Uh, hej..." The young man stammered, the thickness of his accent clear in his voice after only a word spoken. He glanced around the dimmed vicinity of the bar before his eyes returned to the bartender. He had no idea if his inquiry would warrant any useful information; but he had to ask. "You, uh, you wouldn't happen to know where I can find a Swedish girl with dark brown hair and the brightest blue eyes you've ever seen? She just moved to town maybe a few weeks ago? Her name is Agnes?"

The bartender eyed the strange man for a long moment, trying to determine if he posed any sort of threat to the woman in which he was inquiring. After a long pause, the bartender gestured to where a young woman was sat at a small high-top off to the side of the bar. "You're in luck, bub."

Following the bartender's finger, the young man's gaze shifted towards the table...

There she was. Agnes, the mother of his child.

After thanking the bartender for his help, the young man picked his Heineken off the counter and took a long swig of the liquid courage before slowly making his way towards the high-top...

Taking a deep breath as he neared his target, he managed to find the words to speak. "H-Hej Agnes... Det var länge sedan..."

That voice...

Ocean hues glanced up from her near-empty glass of Maine's signature drink—the sombrero cocktail; and as they landed on the figure of the man now stood before her, Agnes couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Anders..." The name escaped her lips in a barely audible breath. The last time she'd seen him had been her last day at Lund University. He'd accompanied her to the train station so she could return to Falun; and she'd told him he had no obligation to be in their unborn child's life. The one night they had together had been just that: one night. He'd agreed he wasn't ready for the commitment of raising a child; but he'd asked if he could still be given updates on the baby's wellbeing. He made it known that he still cared, even if he wasn't ready to embark on the road to parenthood. He'd agreed to send money to help with the child in exchange for an occasional letter update and maybe a photograph. But that was it. She'd not seen or spoken to the him otherwise. "Vad fan gör du här?" This all felt so surreal. There was no way her son's father was standing in front of her at a bar in Bar Harbor, Maine of all places. How did he even know she'd be here? What was he even doing here in the first place? Why had he come? Had he come for her? Had he come for them, for their family?

There wasn't enough alcohol behind the bar for Agnes to process this unexpected reunion.

Gunnar Emil Lindqvist

7 november 2020 3856g, 55.88cm

"Det är en pojke!" The words of her midwife Ingá confirmed what Agnes had known in her heart this whole time. The squishy little babe that was placed on her chest was a boy. En pojke... She had a son.

And he had her nose. He had her lips. He had her chin. There was no trace of his father in his perfect little features. And as his eyes fluttered open to adjust to the light of his new world, he had her eyes too.

Everything about him was sheer perfection; and the longer she looked down at him nestled against her breast, the more reality sunk in that she was responsible for this life. How could someone like her create something so perfect? And beyond that, how was it possible to love something this much? The sensation was overwhelming. All of this was overwhelming. It didn't feel real. It felt like a dream, like one of those dreams you wish would never end. But it wasn't a dream. And it never had to end. This was real. This was her reality now.

She had a son. She was his mamma...

Mamma...

How was she going to be able to do this? How was she going to be able to be a good mamma to him when she'd never had one of her own? She hardly remembered the woman who'd given birth to her. The woman wasn't even worthy of being called her mamma. She hadn't wanted her. She hadn't wanted Agnes. That was why she had left. The woman hadn't wanted to be a mamma; so she left her children behind.

And now, the girl who'd grown up without a mamma was a mamma of her own. How was she going to be able to do this?

The question answered itself the longer she stared down at the babe on her breast, the longer she felt him nursing and curling up against her skin. She'd just gone through hours of prolonged labor. If she could do that, she could do anything.

She could do this.

The longer she stared down at the babe, the more she realized she could do this. She now knew what was meant by the phrase 'en mammas kärlek'. She had never loved something so much in her life as she loved her son. The euphoria was supernatural, otherworldly. In fact, she still felt like she'd somehow left Earth and was hovering above it in some blissful state with her son. The world around the pair faded. She had him; and he had her. Nothing else mattered.

"Vad heter han?" The simple inquiry broke through her reverie.

"Gunnar." She replied. "Han heter Gunnar Emil."

Det var droppen (som fick bägaren att spilla över)

Borta bra men hemma bäst.

Intoxication made people do things they wouldn't typically do whilst sober. In Agnes's case, that thing was sex.

Without a drop of alcohol in her system, the brunette had no interest in sharing any level of sexual intimacy with anyone other than her ex-girlfriend Sophie. In fact, Sophie was the first and only person the brunette ever felt even the slightest bit of sexual attraction to, sober or otherwise. Before the blonde had entered her life back in Cape May, sex wasn't something that frequented the Swede's mind. In fact, it was something she could comfortably live without—especially given how her only two previous encounters involved copious amounts of vodka and tequila.

But apparently things were different when she drank. Apparently things were different when she was feeling emotionally vulnerable.

The fight with Sophie was still fresh in her mind. When she'd mentioned potentially moving up to Maine with the Hewitt's, that had been all the fuel needed to set her love life on fire—and not in the good way. When she'd first entered the relationship with Sophie, there was always the thought in the back of her mind that things would have to become long-distance at some point. America wasn't the brunette's home; and Sweden wasn't the blonde's. They'd have to make the distance work until they could figure out a compromise, until one of them agreed to move abroad permanently. It was something they'd spoken about upon making their status as girlfriends official; and it honestly seemed like they were on the same page with things... Then Agnes had to mentioned potentially moving up to Maine; and everything fell apart.

Sophie didn't want that. She wanted to stay in Cape May, to stay in a place she knew would make the Swede feel alone and isolated without her found family there with her...

And that was the drop that made the cup spill over.

The fight that ensured had involved many words said by both parties, words that could never be unsaid, words that ultimately led to a messy mutual break-up. The break-up then led Agnes to accept the offer to move up to Maine with the Hewitt's. It had either been that or move back home to Dalarna. And as much as she missed her pappa and her siblings, she wasn't quite ready to say 'goodbye' to her found family. Gunnar wasn't ready to say 'goodbye' to all his little playmates. Besides, if she moved her and her son back to Dalarna, they'd probably only stay around Falun a short time before moving to Stockholm for the sake of her graduate school. And in Stockholm, she'd feel almost as alone and isolated as she would staying in Cape May.

~

When a box from Sophie with all the items the brunette had left at her place back in Cape May arrived at the new Maine address, Agnes had initially contemplated just tossing the whole box away. It was filled with too many now-painful memories, too many reminders of what could have been. The fact she was still in love with Sophie made her cave, made her bring in the box into the guesthouse and inspect its contents.

At first, none of the items stood out too much. They were things like her toothbrush, her coffee mug, and the copy of Backman's 'Folk med ångest' she'd been reading. But at the bottom of the box were three items she hadn't expected. The first was a copy of the pictures from the photo booth Sophie had dragged her in during the Independence Day Carnival. The second was a small plush unicorn the blonde had won for her from a crane game in Wildwood.

The third was Sophie's oversized Pearl Jam band t-shirt, a shirt Agnes would sleep in whenever she slept over at her now-ex's place. And it still smelt like the blonde…

Fan.

~

An incoming call from Anders had broken Agnes out of her thoughts. She'd tried to hide the brokenness in her voice when she'd answered the call; but he'd heard right through it. All it took was the quiver in her 'hallå' for him to question what was wrong. And all it took was that simple question for her to completely break down.

She'd told him all about Sophie, all about the incredible blonde who had come into her and Gunnar's lives back in Cape May. She shared how she'd known Sophie back during her exchange year and about their reunion several months ago. She shared about how much Gunnar loved the blonde, how he'd scribble her pictures or ask her to play with his most favorite trains. She shared how Sophie would jump at the opportunity to watch Gunnar if it meant Agnes could have a much-needed moment to herself. The blonde had instantly stepped into a role almost like that of a step-parent. She'd loved Gunnar like he was her own son.

Upon hearing of Sophie, Anders suggested he and Agnes go out to chat as they'd initially planned to do. In fact, his initial reason for the call had been to check on where she was as she hadn't turned up to the café where they'd planned to meet. He'd been worried; and it was clear to him now that his worry was correctly placed. He'd just suggested that maybe instead of coffee, they drink something stronger...

Which is how Agnes found herself at the Tap & Barrel Tavern with her son's father.

And after more tequila shots than she'd care to admit, that's how Agnes found herself waking up in the bed of Anders's hotel room half-naked...

What had she just done?

Life's Greatest Gamble

25 Mars 2021

Det är positivt…

Agnes looked down at the two blue lines, clear as day. There was no misreading this test. Or the one with the two blue lines she'd taken earlier that day. Or the other one with the two blue lines she'd taken before that. Three positive home tests... She knew the likelihood of getting three false positive results was minuscule. She knew that meant only one thing:

She was pregnant.

Sat with her back against the shower/bath combo and knees drawn up to her chest, the brunette was left utterly speechless by what had just been confirmed. She'd had some suspicions for several days now, which is what ultimately led her to purchase the box of tests from the local apothecary. After all, breast tenderness and recurrent bouts of nausea were typically indicative of only one thing: pregnancy. And since it had only been several weeks since she attended a party with some of her friends from Lund University and got drunk enough for her ace spectrum self to actually desire having sex...

Japp. She was pregnant.

There wasn't a doubt in her mind what she was going to do about this pregnancy, about this little life just beginning to grow inside her womb. This child was hers; and she already loved them more than she thought it was possible to love anything. Straightening out her legs, she placed a hand on the small of her stomach, knowing it would only be several more weeks before it began to swell with signs of life. And she made a promise. She made a promise to herself and to her unborn child that she would be the best mamma—even if she had no clue how to be even a mediocre mamma. After all, her own mother hadn't wanted children. The woman had abandoned her and her brother when they were small. She had no woman in her life to look up to in terms of entering motherhood. Yes, she had her pappa and the undying love and support he'd shown his children over the years; but it wasn't the same.

There were so many unknowns to accepting and following through with this unplanned pregnancy, with carrying to term and planning to keep and raise the baby as her own. But despite each and every unknown, her certainty that it was all worth the risk was stronger.

~

The rest of that day was a blur to Agnes. She was still trying to fully wrap her mind around what she'd just learned despite having already made a decision regarding how she was going to proceed. It wasn't until almost a full 24 hours later that she picked up her phone and FaceTimed her pappa.

"Hej pappa..."

"Hej älskling. Är allt okej?"

It was as if Göran could tell just by looking at his eldest's face through the phone screen that this wasn't just a normal call; and because of this the brunette decided to dive right in to the reason behind her call. She asked her pappa if he could take the train from Falun down to Lund for the weekend. It was a 7hr train ride; but she had something she wanted to discuss with him in person. This news she had to share was not something to be shared over the phone. He agreed and said he'd clear his schedule. He then asked what was so important that she couldn't share over the phone and made a joke asking if she was pregnant or something. He honestly hadn't expected that to be the case. The change in his daughter's expression told him everything he needed to know; and after taking a moment to step away to somewhere where they could chat in privacy, he began to tell her he'd catch the first train down to Lund and they would discuss things further. But before they ended their video chat, he did have one important thing to tell her:

"Oavsett vad du bestämmer dig för att du vill göra åt graviditeten kommer jag att stödja dig fullt ut."

From there, Göran let his daughter know he wouldn't hesitate to take her to the clinic for an abortion if that's what she so desired. But before he could finish his thought, Agnes cut him off. She shared how she'd already made her decision the instant she saw the two blue lines. She was keeping the baby. This child was hers; and she loved them with her whole heart, with every fiber of her being. An abortion was not an option for her. It wasn't an idea she entertained for even a fleeting thought. And just like he'd promised, Göran supported this decision. He fully accepted the fact he was about to become a morfar.

Like he'd promised, Göran took the train from Falun down to Lund that weekend. He brought his daughter to the clinic for the sole reason of having the pregnancy confirmed by the doctor. And when it was confirmed that Agnes was, in fact, pregnant, he cried tears of joy and uncertainty with his daughter.

"Du kommer att bli en fantastisk mamma."

"Hur vet du?"

More than joy in that moment, there was a spiraling of uncertainty. How could her pappa know she was going to be a fantastic mamma? How could she be a fantastic mamma when she had no mamma of her own to look up to? Agnes began to question whether or not she could actually do this. She already knew she was going through with the pregnancy; there was not a doubt in her mind about that. But that uncertainty began creeping its way to the forefront of her mind regardless. Was she making the right decision? Would the child be better off being adopted by someone else, by someone who knew how to care for a baby and was ready to do so?

A child had not been in the plans for Agnes. She hadn't given much thought, if any, to becoming a mamma someday. Her plans were to graduate from Lund University with her B.S. in both forensic science and forensic psychology and then begin attending the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm the following year where she planned to get her Masters in forensic toxicology. And from there, she planned to get a job hopefully back in her beloved Dalarna. And if not Dalarna, elsewhere in Sweden. Nowhere in her plans was there room for a child.

Yet here she was, less than nine months away from meeting the little life now growing inside her...

~

"Vad heter han?"

"Gunnar... Han heter Gunnar Emil."

The instant her son was first placed on her chest for skin to skin and she watched the marvel that was the newborn's instinctive breast crawl as he found his way to latch for the very first time, Agnes knew beyond any and all doubt that she'd made the right decision. This child, this baby boy, was her everything.

~

The greatest gamble Agnes ever took in life was the commitment to bring her son into this world; and it was, by far, also her greatest win.

Agnes's Childhood Homes

Top Photo ↳ Mora, Dalarna, Sweden ↳ 3 bedroom, 1 ½ bath ↳ When Agnes was 5, her pappa { Göran } moved his children to Mora, Dalarna after their mother { Elinor } abandoned the family. Up until then, they all had been residing with his parents in a converted guest house in their hometown of Falun. The move to Mora was big for Göran. It established him as a proper adult, no longer just a teenage father. He and his children now had independence; and leaving Falun had distanced them from the memories of Elinor's abandonment. Two years after moving to Mora, Göran met Hanna Nilsson. The pair was quickly married with a baby on the way. Unfortunately, Hanna fell ill and passed away shortly after, leaving Göran to raise three young children on his own... But he managed. ↳ The cabin in Mora was small for the family of four. The only full bath was attached to the master suite. Agnes now had to share a bedroom with her much younger sister Mattie. And on top of that, the old cabin was in need of several repairs... But they managed. Bottom Photo ↳ Falun, Dalarna, Sweden ↳ 4 bedroom, 2 ½ bath { converted from 3 bedroom, 1 ½ bath } ↳ When Agnes was 15, her pappa made the decision to move back to Falun. The larger town would offer more opportunities for his children; and he would be closer to his parents instead of an hour away in Mora. The cabin in Falun was similar in size to the one in Mora; though the bedrooms were bigger and the full bath was located outside of the master suite. Agnes still shared a room with her younger sister; but she didn't mind as it wouldn't be for much longer. First, she'd be spending a year in America as part of an exchange student program. And then not long after, she'd be leaving for university. There also weren't nearly as many repairs needed to upkeep the cabin, which was an added bonus. ↳ After Agnes discovered she was pregnant and ultimately ended up moving back home, Göran realized the current space wouldn't suffice. While his son Mio was away at university, he still came home every summer and holiday. His room could not be converted into a nursery. And his daughters shared a room. A nursery could not be added to that already tight space. So renovations were needed. It took half of the summer; but Göran managed to add on another bedroom suite with its own little bath. This became Agnes's room as well as the nursery for her baby.

~tag dump~