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#[ why do you go out of your way to be bad ]
moeblob · 6 days
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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whetstonefires · 1 month
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I think a part of the reason I feel so connected to JGY and XY is that I, too, think everyone is lying about what a good person they are. Sure, there may be a few genuinely good people, but those are in the minority and never claim the title.
I don't know about never; some people are pretty straightforward.
And in some ways the whole point of the concept of 'a good person' is that the feeling of losing the right to consider yourself one can impose instinctive recoil from doing wrong, in situations where you don't have the leisure of working your way through an ethics diagram and choosing the logically moral path before reacting to a situation. It has practical utility.
But that system can backfire pretty horribly too, in a lot of ways. It can be hijacked by definitions of 'good' that actually make you recoil from ethical acts because they're deviant. It can lead to disappearing up your own ass lmao.
And definitely the threshold for 'talking about how you're a good person' enough that it makes you suspect as either a) a liar or b) someone who values that self-image over objective reality and other people's wellbeing is. Not very high.
Jin Guangyao, ironically, is one of those people who's so performatively A Good Person in his public life that in retrospect it looks like a red flag. Which knowing this about himself in an ongoing fashion ofc just reinforces his own cynicism about everyone else lmao.
Even Lan Xichen, who I think he may see as a genuinely good person, he also sees as an easy mark who will reliably choose what is comfortable over what is 'right,' if you just structure the scenario to make that an easy choice that's easy for him to justify.
Xue Yang's bitterness is in many ways more exciting than Jin Guangyao's because he has a way more unusual relationship to reality, but it does share a lot of notes.
The role of deception in his psychology fascinates me because as far as I can tell he's as instinctively straightforward a person as Lan Wangji, albeit along quite different lines involving a total lack of impulse control, but has adopted 'deceit' as a weapon against the wicked world in the same way he has adopted 'murder.'
But when he feels someone is not merely lying but papering over bad behavior with principles they are not living up to he is livid.
People claiming to be better than him because they're 'good' when 'good' is a construct of privilege, is the underlying idea he's not equipped to articulate. Except he takes that and applies it to 'hitting me to interrupt my random murder of some guy who happened to be within arm's reach when I wanted to hurt someone.'
Which isn't like philosophically perfect, but the underlying problem he's actually reacting to is that he understands the social contract as a lie that has never protected him but seeks to control him, while protecting rich men it has no power to control.
Which it is fair to be mad about, but then his feeling is that since that's the nature of the world and all people, he is entitled to amass for himself the power to inflict hurt without consequences as much as he possibly can, and to use it against the vulnerable for fun, and no one is entitled to interfere.
Which brings him to a place where he is violently angry at anyone talking about trying to treat other people well as a value, because either they're a hypocrite and a liar or they threaten his entire system of rationalization for why he can be The Worst and still In The Right.
'Everyone is equally bad, actually' is like, an understandable take for anyone who's had cause to become embittered. Everyone is free to make whatever philosophical peace they can with the world and by and large there's no ethical weight to any such opinion, in itself.
But it's an ideological crutch people tend to wind up leaning on very heavily when they can't or don't want to take responsibility for their own behavior.
Which is an approach that Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Su She all share, and which not only is shitty of them, it...traps them in a wheel of doubling down on their own worst impulses because rather than going 'that was bad and I shouldn't do it again' they've repeatedly invested all this energy into making what they did actually the correct thing, according to their interpretation of the context. Which means they're more likely to do it again.
(I think this is how Jin Guangyao became a serial killer, for example. He followed a doing-a-murder-impulse and then internally doubled down on how he had nothing to be ashamed of, so he was more likely to do it again, every time.
Wei Wuxian's strain of self-righteousness about his revenge was less...thorough than Jin Guangyao's, because he had the benefit of going after people on the opposite side of a war from him while Meng Yao's first known murder plot was against a shitty boss. But it probably didn't help him not try to solve army-shaped problems with mass murder, even after that stopped being allowed.)
If any of them had just like, zero moral sensibilities they would have created very different problems, and very possibly fewer of them. It's making a central goal of your operations 'self-vindication in your own internal narrative, created retroactively via reframing' rather than 'figuring out what I think I should do and trying to do that' that traps them in the self-reinforcing murder pissbaby vortex.
So if you look at it one way, these three villains are themselves perfect examples of how pursuit of the 'feeling of being good' (or at least 'not the bad guy') can make you worse.
Notably Wei Wuxian was also extremely sensitive to hypocrisy in his youth; it was the only part of Madam Yu's behavior he was ever shown objecting to. But he's sufficiently mellow and cynical from regret and burnout by the 'present' timespan after his resurrection to just get disgusted and alienated about it, rather than outraged.
He wasn't even all that mad at Xue Yang, though honestly that may be partly because he stopped entirely characterizing him as a person at some point during their interaction. Like, there's no point being angry at someone whose moral sensibilities operate exclusively on the plane of 'is this unfair to me' for manipulating and destroying people who were good to him, and then getting obsessed with his own self-pity about it. This is not a person who understands how not to be, metaphorically speaking, a cannibal.
And Wei Wuxian did know better and still got roughly the same result, so what business does he have getting angry?
Anyway yeah those two villains are both delightfully relatable if you sit down and put their perspectives together; they are clearly operating with the same basic suite of human needs and emotions as everybody else, without that being in itself particularly exculpatory, which is honestly refreshing. They've just got the most fantastically toxic interpersonal habits that knowing them counts as some level of Suffering A Curse.
Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang do both stand as scathing rebukes of the society that created them. But within the narrative, wherein they're people, the fact is that each of them had agency and one of the things they chose to do with it was develop rationales for why they were the most special little guy and everything was someone else's fault.
And their moral nihilisms, while also grounded in serious trauma, ping me as emotional masturbation of this variety.
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twilight-deviant · 9 days
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Telling content creators it's wrong to explore artistic freedom and be independently funded by fans, and they should instead continue taking advertisement revenue from google* is
NOT
the anti-capitalism stance actually.
*(Yes, google owns youtube.)
#Watcher#This post is specifically and exclusively about the people who seem to have the capitalism bit wrong#It's almost fascinating how no one is hearing themselves speak#I feel like some of you don't understand WHY we support small businesses and are anti-monopoly#I've seen multiple posts saying “Shane is so anti-capitalism there's no way this was his idea.”#So... you think it's pro-capitalism to start your own business instead of relying on pennies from the exploitative mega-corporation?#Guys... we support small businesses KNOWING it will cost the consumer more#Stop thinking you're entitled to someone's product#That's what got us in this mess#I understand $6 is a lot for many many people but that is what makes certain things a luxury#Nothing used to be this way#Nothing used to be “free” so you can be monitored for your viewing habits and sold to advertisers#If you see a little guy trying to leave youtube/google and you paint them as the capitalist??? You. have. taken. a. wrong. turn.#I don't know how many more ways I can say it#It is better to support someone (if you can) than to pressure them into taking money from the trillion-dollar corporation#so that you can have what they put all their blood/sweat/tears into for free#If you want something badly enough you're going to have to pay for it#Them's the breaks#If you don't want it that badly then maybe it didn't mean enough to you personally#Thinking otherwise is how corporations like youtube take over and squeeze out small competitors#btw on monopolies: having almost every single video content creator (outside of tiktoks and video game streams) on youtube is BAD#You understand that's bad yes?#How tf are we going to diversify unless SOME CREATORS leave youtube???#It's almost the responsibility of larger creators to do so#Ironically what I said is backwards#In its ideal state‚ capitalism is supposed to inspire innovation and new business‚ giving every person a chance to succeed#But I think we all know that's not the reality we're experiencing#I just went with what everyone means when they say it
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sergle · 8 months
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I really really need a reduction but I'm scared my boobs will be ugly and it will make my dysphoria worse. Idk why I'm telling you this but nobody really seems to understand :/
no, bc I COMPLETELY understand. something that stressed me out more than the money was the fear that I'd do all this work to get the surgery, and then my tits would look like dogshit. that feeling SPIKED again when I saw that first surgeon, who told me my tits sucked rather than telling me he didn't feel capable of performing a reduction on someone with Actually Big Tits. (his patient gallery was full of C-cups for the "before" photos.) this is a real fear, bc some surgeons are just garbage. they don't care about the aesthetics of breast reductions. this doesn't have to be the case at all, there are lots of surgeons who actually care about helping you and getting you a result that's lighter/smaller AND still looks like a boob. you'll need to commit to The Search, looking through patient galleries to see if they operate on people who look like you. but you Will find a surgeon with results you like, who's worked on breasts that are similar to yours, and then the fear will go away!!
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sweetlullabyebye · 1 year
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Every day I wake up and remember Liam Dunbar was underdevelopped by the showrunners
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ariesbilly · 14 days
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stranger things fandom never heard the phrase "every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" and it shows
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thevioletcaptain · 8 months
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if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:
don't ❤️ 
#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!!#popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends#and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it#like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y''#or ''why is fic c even in this poll?''#nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular''#a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3#anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around#and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!!#because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!!#so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers#but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing#and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore#cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST#or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something#don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it#and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses#but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough#ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it#(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related)#gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today#cass says things#fandom problems#wank adjacent
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makorragal-312 · 2 months
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Itsuomi: Talk to me and I'll do anything you want.
Oushi: Break up with Yuki.
Itsuomi:
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itspileofgoodthings · 8 months
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one time my mom was talking about something, I don’t remember what, and she said “have you ever known the poverty of having nothing to say?” and when I say nothing has ever punctured my heart quite like that statement
#I don’t even fully know why. also I don’t think she even meant it how I took it#but there is just some part of me that does believe that that is the greatest poverty#when there are no words in your mind or heart. no phrases—nothing to rely on or fall back on#and you just have to struggle with the human condition and be able to express none of it#and I know that not everyone uses words like I do or relies on them that way but people need some words. they need something#this is why a) I never make fun of those Instagram accounts that are all cheesy inspirational quotes or whatever because people are trying#they are REACHING#also b) that’s why villains who are wordlessly violently destructive make me cry#because it’s just like—-yeah I can understand turning to violence if I didn’t have expression#if I couldn’t get anything out#also also this is not related but I watched some movie or tv show the other day (and I cannot for the life of me remember which one it was)#but there was this couple on a date and the girl asks him to complete all these proverbs after she gives him the first half#because ‘a man who knows his proverbs can’t be all bad’ and it shook. Me. To. My. CORE.#also also!! this is why I teach! it’s the heart of it for me!! And why I make them memorize poetry. like.#and put quotes on the board every day. like. You will have words and images in your mind and your heart from my class if I have anything#to say about it#anyway sometimes my mom says things and casually devastates me#and I think (I think) she was just talking about the poverty of having no news because nothing is going on#and so you have nothing to share with someone. and she was talking about my Grandma and how sometimes she was just so sullen and quiet#but it’s just because there was nothing to say#anyway anyway anyway that is also why the one time on the phone my grandma said who has known the mind of the Lord —shook me so much#because she never really said anything. words were not her thing and she never quoted anything#and suddenly her saying this line of scripture that said more than any words I’d ever said —one of the defining moments of my life#tbh. anyway this is very long I’m sorry. I have woken up this morning crying about this. idk.
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dennisboobs · 10 months
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my favourite thing about the always sunny podcast is listening to rcg all say something extremely neurodivergent and then agree amongst themselves and convince themselves its completely normal
#and to be clear im not diagnosing them charlie said he wasn't neurotypical#like deadass i think. the reason some of their writers just completely botch the gang's motivations/dialogue sometimes is bc at their core#these characters are all. SO autistic. which inevitably leads to them being misunderstood by others outside their group#whether rcg realizes it or not they inject this very specific vibe of neurodivergence into the gang#and its why they will just. argue over inconsequential details bc they Need to be understood completely#they can't just drop it unless they are crystal fucking clear#imo the biggest mistake other writers make is thinking that the gang is completely desensitized when its more like#they just don't react the way you would expect#which is often... adjacent to that but still distinct. and its trauma that influences this as well#the gang does not believe they themselves are 'bad people'. theyre most often oblivious to the fact that the things they do are insane#rob saying he doesnt pick up on social cues and then going on to argue in circles with glenn#i dont think last week was anything crazy but i think. rob doesn't know when to let up. which is a problem that *i* have#and while it comes across as being confrontational in an 'im right youre wrong' way i dont think its driven by ego here#just like with how as they said mac and dennis are making up while chucking bread rolls at each other#on both sides its frustration at being misunderstood#but they are all similar enough that even if they disagree over small details theyre usually on the same page. and this can be beneficial!!#thats the conclusion of the ep!!!! whether its suggesting smoking to cancel out the toxic apple skin or suggesting words u cant think of#glenn said he was upset about feeling misrepresented and picked on#dennis gets angry for those exact reasons in.... ALL of his big rage scenes#its frustration that leads to anger because youre speaking to (another) brick wall and you can't adequately explain yourself#which. glenn is clearly more competent than dennis & i think a lot of the time in sunny the gang is WAY more obtuse for the sake of comedy#but its interesting to watch the dynamic because as charlie said last week#they are mac and dennis (especially when theyre fighting)#i just think.. they are in a semi-unique position to understand this because this is how they are. while several other writers do not get i#ada speaks#untagged
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worstloki · 16 days
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HYDRA kidnaps Loki but all the goons look up to him and think he’s the coolest guy and keep kissing up to him because they really really want him to join their ranks
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jestiamy · 7 months
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I like mentally equating haircutting in humans are space orcs aus to those hoof maintenance/horn trimming videos that get like. at least ten comments each time going "???? so are we going to ignore the literal animal torture happening here??"
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liquidstar · 6 months
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Oh fuck tomorrow I'm going to be a little birthday boy I keep almost forgetting
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vriskaserketdaily · 5 months
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today i had a piercing emergency so long story short now im rockin starter studs when ive had these lip piercings for almost 5 years . . .
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constantvariations · 10 months
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Why did they create such a useless character to show Cinder's backstory when Salem is literally right there AND the real question the audience wants answered???
Imagine if it had been Salem who stayed at the hotel and saw something of herself in the scrappy servant girl. She saw how the Madame treated little Cinder and offered a way out only if Cinder has the power to be useful to her. Maybe she put Cinder to a test of how far she was willing to go for freedom, or maybe Salem wanted something from the Madame that she wouldn't give so it was up to Cinder to provide
Either way, Salem gets a young disciple that's ruthlessly ambitious and easy to manipulate and Cinder gains the illusion of freedom under a new master
#rwde#ofc salem wouldnt be grimmified in this version bc she'd stand out too much to do under the table shit#or she still could be but the world actually looks like an anime like it did in the beacon days#v4 on is far too grounded in reality design-wise#where the hell are the folks w wild ass hair colors and styles?? the most we get is joannas green but she says like 10 words so who cares#tis some bullshit and why i refuse to call v4+ rwby an anime#anyway this was somehow prompted by me comparing vergil to cinderella#as you can see i am Completely Normal tm#ngl tho vergil is a better cinderella if instead of riches-rags-riches its power-powerless-power#cinder starts at the bottom so her baseline mentality is way off if you want to do a cinderella remake#rags to riches is abt underdogs clawing up the social ladder against all odds#but riches rags riches is abt reclaiming what was yours#if we use cinders random disdain towards schnees in v8 as inspiration we could have a story of rival businesses#cinders father gets booted from power/high society thanks to Jacques's maybe legal maybe not methods and meddling#could go several ways from there:#her father could die and she'd be left homeless and alone in the cruel underbelly of the wealthy and powerful#she could find work w the Madame and try to endure the abuse so she and her father can pay the bills#her father could straight up sell her to the madame#itd be a horrific way to learn the significance of power and how easily it can be taken#i wanna like cinder so bad but v5 on fucked her irreparably. she doesnt even dress well anymore ffs
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zukkaoru · 2 months
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the disparity in kudos between a skk fic and a fic for literally any other bsd characters/ship :/
#like okay i get it skk is the most popular bsd ship by a longshot#but it does kinda suck that my skk fics will always end up being more popular than literally anything else i write for bsd#when i have way better fics tbh#okay i'm unleashing this from my drafts lol#like i get it kudos/hits/bookmarks counts aren't telling of how good a fic is#but out of my last five fics. my skk one has ONE HUNDRED kudos more than the next most kudos#and idk it also sucks that i know my skk is better than 90% of the fandom but. even my skk fics get significantly less kudos/etc#than big writers in the fandom who AREN'T EVEN GOOD#or are like. mid at best#i know in theory that the bsd fandom doesn't care about characterization but like. not only do they encourage bad characterization#it feels like sometimes they're actively against good characterization#even in j.jk and a.tla where there are major issues with bad characterization#more people seem to at least appreciate the good characterization. (even if they aren't good at it themselves.)#but i swear to god no one in the bsd fandom cares about anything besides whether dazai and chuuya are kissing. it begins and ends there.#it never ceases to amaze me (derogatory) how a fandom where the source media draws So Much inspiration from classic literature#can somehow have NEGATIVE media literacy skills#why don't you guys take a break from your edgy dazai x softboy chuuya fics and you fems.kk with dazai in skimpy clothes and your#beast chuuya sobbing and killing himself over dazai's death#and go read some of the books by the actual authors. and then write me an essay about the themes that has nothing to do with shipping.#and THEN you can come back to the fandom.#listen i love skk but oh my god sometimes the fandom makes me hate them.#anyway one of these days i'm going to get anon hate for complaining about the bsd fandom so much but that's fine#at least i know there are characters in the show besides dazai and chuuya. and when i do write skk AT LEAST I DO IT RIGHT.#hello grace here
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