forggensee #08 (by Daniel Zenker)

my love for music is infinite. it makes me feel things and makes me feel happy, even if the music i was listening to was anything but happy. and although i might sound hipster-ish or pretentious when i say this, but i’m extremely picky when it comes to the bands/artists that i listen to. and there are a few bands that i can honestly say i love every single song that they come out with. 

anyway, if i were to describe the genre of music that i love the most i’d say it would be alternative/indie/pop rock. and because i listen to music all the time, i thought i’d share my love for it with people who have a similar taste to mine. so, i’m going to be sharing songs that i love on this blog, maybe by doing a song of the day kind of thing or through monthly playlists.  

so to start this “project” thing off, my song of the day is:

YOUTH BY GLASS ANIMALS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZdsmLgCVdU

i fell in love with this band a year ago and ever since then it has been a favorite of mine. their music is so unique and different than anything i have ever heard before. their songs make me feel really mellow. their latest album “how to be a human being” is honestly a masterpiece; lyrically, musically, and conceptually. i urge whoever stumbles upon this post to listen to them right fucking now. you will thank me!! 

i have been awake for 24 hours so far. the culprits behind this are my insomnia and anxiety. usually (when i only suffer from insomnia), i get to sleep for around 4-5 hours on average, and although i wake up extremely tired.. i still have (somewhat) enough energy for the day. however, when my anxiety kicks in and joins my insomnia, it becomes hell. i’d be lucky if i get one hour of sleep. and this is my situation right now; i’ve been awake for one whole day, i feel like death, i don’t feel like doing anything today but lay down. even if i do try to get some sleep, i know that i’m not going to be successful at it. so instead, i’m gonna suck it up and try to sleep later on at night. i feel like shit and i hate this so much. 

insomnia is such a horrible thing and i want it to go away for good. 

so incredibly tired; mentally, physically and spiritually.  i cannot do this anymore. this whole ‘act of pretending’. pretending to be fine, happy and mentally stable because in reality i’m a fucking mess on the inside. i have a myriad of issues that i never address. because addressing them means facing them and i am so afraid of doing that. 

i feel hopeless and helpless. just a few minutes ago, i was googling how to kill myself and this is what it has come down to.   

paint edit (4), perspective

paint edit (3), path

paint edit (2), quite blurry but there’s beauty in simplicity 

paint edit (1), inspired by mashrou’ leila 

I am alive at night. I am dead in the morning…

Anne Sexton“Moon Song, Woman Song,” The Complete Poems (via wordsnquotes)

sleep is so fucking important, but i’ve started to really struggle with it since september 2016.. some days it’s really bad where i barely get any sleep. other days it’s much better and i get a few hours of sleep which to me are a blessing. and i just don’t know what to do about it. i’ve lost hope and i now believe that i’m never going to be able to get a good night’s sleep ever again. and even though i kind of got used to it, it doesn’t mean that the lack of sleep doesn’t hinder me anymore because it does on a daily basis. i’m like a zombie nowadays. really tired all the time, can barely focus, huge dark circles under my eyes and really bad mood swings. i really should seek help but i don’t know from who? 

and since lack of sleep is kind of a source of depression and anxiety for me, i should probably make use of my insomnia in positive ways like getting things done at night rather than complain about it. 

and it also makes me think, am i cursed? why did/does this happen to me? 

Dakar - Senegal (by Jeff Attaway) 

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