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*Before the creation of Hell*
Sera: So what did you get Deadpool!Reader for their birthday?
Elder Angel: I got them a kitten
Young Emily: Really? Me too!
Michael: I also got them a cat.
Sera: Looks like we all had the same idea
God: *sigh* [Looks at Lucifer] Please tell me you got them something other than a cat.
Lucifer: I got them a kitten...
[Cut to Reader staring blankly as they are surrounded by cats]
Reader: *Inhales* THIS IS BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!
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Deadpool quotes but with my Lucifer's older sibling!reader idea-
Reader: [First day in Hell, in the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this woman?
[holds up a bad crayon drawing of Charlie]
Sera: You've been warned, Reader. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will be coming with us
Reader: Look, Sera, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now
Alastor: Do you have off an switch?
Reader: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
Reader; [after finding out about Charlie's existence] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns
Charlie: Feeling a bit lonely?
Reader: Only sometimes when I'm by myself. Or other times when I'm with other people.
Reader: [First ever conversation with an awe-eyed Charlie] You're probably thinking, "My dad said that his older sibling is the second most just being in all of creation, but his sibling just turned that guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be just, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, that was a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a platonic love story.
Reader: [to Sera] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners in the Lord's Kingdom with some creepy, [points to Adam] Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, [points to Emily] I'll send her shiny, happy ass a friend request
Reader [Helping in the second extermination]: Daddy needs to express some rage.
[starts firing their guns]
Reader: Listen, Angel, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the hotel - right next to the answer for getting out of a soul contract. Good luck.
Angel Dust: [Grinning] You fucking asshole
Alastor: Morningstar!
Reader: How can I help you? Besides luring women into dark, creepy basements.
Reader: [Just learned how to use a phone, looking at a text from Angel] What is that?
Husk: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long
Sera: I've given Reader every chance to join us but they'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will they grow up and see benefits of joining the Angelic Council?
Emily: Which benefits? Commiting genocide for amusement? Or the Angel that falls every few decades?
Sera: Please, falling out of Heaven builds character
Reader: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it...
[Lute jumps from the platform and lands]
Reader: [clapping their hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees
Charlie: [Stopping Reader from killing Valentino] I can't allow this, Reader. Please, come quietly.
Reader: You blonde cock-gobbler!
Charlie: That's not nice.
Reader: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that squeaking bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
[a dead body falls off an overhead building]
Reader: That guy was already up there when I got here.
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Imagine being Lucifer's older sibling
Like, you're a Cherubim (cause some Cherubs have different roles so you would be way stronger and better than the ones in Helluva Boss) who's been kinda kept from present-day news cause you've been chilling in the Garden of Eden protecting the Tree of Life and training other Cherubs
Then Emily invites you to Charlie's meeting as a council member and you go but you have no idea what this meeting is about so other council members have to constantly be keeping you up to date on what everyone is talking about DURING the meeting
"Ok, so that's Charlie Morningstar-"
"Morningstar?"
"And her girlfriend, Vaggie. An ex-exorcist-"
"An ex-exorc-What??"
"And they're here to prove sinners can be redeemed-"
"Ok...But why is everyone singing???"
"Well-"
"And is that the fucking first man????"
And you'd have to have Hell and Lucifer and Lilith and Eve and Adam all explained to you but all you really hear is that you have a niece that you never knew about
So you go down to Hell just to meet Charlie and see Lucifer. And Charlie gets all excited to have an unfallen angel on their side so she explains the hotel to you but Lucifer would be showing you all his ducks at the exact same time-
Even though you were kept from any news outside of the Garden of Eden to keep you from being unjust, I like to imagine that you have the most Deadpool personality of all time
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Author's note: I have been so obsessed with Hazbin Hotel. As soon as the first season finished I ran to Tumblr for fics. So like please send me asks for Hazbin Hotel I need to let my hyper fixation out on something. I am open to writing headcanons
Tw: ???
"Your insecurities are one hundred percent valid and you deserve a break to recuperate for your mental health." Twyla called out from behind the door Rayna locked herself behind. "That being said, I almost risked a deal with the Radio Demon to get you this meeting with the princess of hell. So you better get your ass up and out of bed or I swear to Satan I'll give you a real reason to hide inside your bedroom. You fuc-"
Twyla's threats were then accompanied by her muffled angry screams and banging on the door before forcefully being dragged away. In her place, their soft-spoken assistant, Fleuretta. Because of her adamant fear of talking, she talks to people she's close to through their mind, a power she was granted after death.
"Yes, Ms. Twyla. Of course I'll talk to her Ms. Twyla." She cleared her throat before gently knocking on the door. "Miss Rayna? We all know that we've been through, uhm, as you've said, a "shit-ton" this past month. Your breakup has negatively affected your emotional state and all of this house. But when this negativity starts to negatively affect the business then the house has an even bigger problem."
"You see, Benson and Sebrina have been at each other's throats with all the tension you've been carrying throughout the house the past few weeks. So Twyla and I think it's for the best if you put your emotions to the side for a temporary amount of time so we can attend this meeting with the king."
Rayna sniffled on the other side of the door, wiping the dripping mascara off her cheek. "Yeah- *hic* Yeah I can do that-" She got up and unlocked the door, sticking her head out a bit. "Gimme like 30 minutes, I'll be ready by then."
"You got 10!" Twyla's voice came from down the hall, a flying dress shoe following her words, hitting eerily close to Rayna's poking out head. Rayna rolled her eyes before slamming the door shut, leaving Fleur standing in front of it.
Fleur gave a small huff before going to check on the children, bringing up her tablet to check off "Make Sure Rayna Gets Ready" off her to-do list. When Twyla and Rayna became business partners and moved in together, the kids who they died with were pulled into their mess as well.
Benson, Twyla's teenage little brother, in 1976 he had gotten involved in the gang shit Twyla had to deal with when she was alive. His death was supposed to send a message to his sister. Obviously, it didn't send anything since she came falling into hell a year later.
Then there was Sebrina. Rayna's psychotic little niece. Poor thing was abused by her mother for years before she ran away in 1966 at 7 years old to her Aunt Rayna, who happened to be in a very competitive business. As a thanks for taking her in Sebrina got rid of Rayna's competition through cannibalism. When Rayna found out she wasn't the happiest about it but she covered up the murders for 3 years. Until they were caught in 1969 and shot down by officers for resisting arrest.
Fleur knocked on their shared bedroom door. "Kids? Are you ready?" There was muffled yelling behind the door but nothing like Twyla and Rayna's overly loud constant loud arguing. Fleur sighed before twisting the doorknob, dreading what's on the other side.
Benson was trying to suffocate Sebrina with a pillow, she was obviously trying to fight back but the demon form she was given was short and had thin, small little limbs. These were just some of the attributes Sebrina got from her demon form plus her new bunny qualities.
"Benson! Will you get off of her!" Fleur pulled him off by his tail, a trait from his humanoid lizard form, an animal form he got from dying.
"That freak tried to set me on fire!"
"She is not a freak." Fleur picked the small thing off the floor by her armpits, like a puppy. Before straightening out any wrinkles on the dress Rayna specifically made for her and fluffing up her skirt.
"I did not try to set him on fire." Sebrina folded her arms over her chest, raising her head up, offendedly. "I tried to set his outfit on fire. It's ugly!"
"Oh you 'li-!"
"Benson. Don't." Fleur stopped him before he started, leaving him grumbling as he started to put on his shoes.
"Sebrina, sweetie, people prefer it when you try to burn their clothes while their clothes when they're not on them." Fleur clarified, pulling Sebrina into her jacket.
"Oh no, I know that Miss Fleurey. I just don't like Benny." She sneered at him on his bed.
"Fleur!" Twyla called, stopping the kids from getting into it again. She stepped into the room, wearing a suit with a corset over the shirt and a loose tie. "Rayna ready?"
"Probably not." Fleur handed her her jacket. Before being able to say something else Twyla caught Sebrina's beady eyes staring at her. "What? I don't look nice?" She gave them a quick 360 with a smile.
Sebrina narrowed her eyes. "...You look...nice..."
"Ya look like a pimp." Benson had his eyes on his phone, not even bothering to look up at his sister.
"Don't start with me ya little shit. Now c'mon. I want us all to be sitin' in the living room like we been waitin' for hours. Make her feel all bad 'n shit." She grinned, rushing the others to the living room, banging on Rayna's room door as she passed.
They were in the living room for about an hour before Rayna finally exited her room.
"How do I look?" She grinned, posing like she was on the runway. Her purple hair was put up in a low side bun and she was in a sleeveless turtleneck dress, rhinestones on the criss cross lining that showed off her thighs.
"Great!" Fleur smiled, checking "Get Everyone Together, Ready in the Living Room" off her to-do list.
"I like the rhinestones!" Sebrina awed at the shine on her dress.
"You look like a...a sexy Morticia Adams. But like, with purple hair." Benson grinned.
"We an hour late. Le's go." Twyla walked through the door, not sparing Rayna a glance. Everyone following her out.
Not proofread!!!
Author's note: Ok, so this was like way longer than I originally thought so I'm going to split it up into parts if people end up really liking this. And again I will take most requests for most fandoms, not just Hazbin Hotel, plus my own original stories
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"You love me though."
"I love you though."
Tw: Fluff, Mentions of kidnapping, insinuations of rape
"Do you plan on following me around all day?"
"Do you plan on setting fire to another ex's car?" Adrian sighed, they'd been walking around the city for hours now. Her feet hurt but she unfortunately had to make sure that her best friend doesn't drag anyone down to the afterlife with her.
"Y'know, you might be deceased and all but I might be charged to all crimes you commit while you're six feet under." She complained, sitting down on the side of the road to remove her heels.
Johanna turned around with a pout on her face. "Since when did you become such a buzzkill? What happened to the little girl that would be in the principal's office every other day 'cause she was standing up for her best friend-
*cough* me *cough*?"
"Are you slow?" Johanna let out an offended gasp. "That little girl died when she saw her favorite girl taken before her eyes and woke up next to her lifeless body!" She wanted to cry, so badly she wanted to cry but she refused to, she knew what JoJo thought about crying: "Crying is like, small parts of your dignity dripping out. And then it dries up and you can never get it back."
"Ok...so obviously you have some issues with me that you wanna let out." Adrian sat up and Johanna dusted off her new dress. "As long as you promise not to cry, you know how I feel about tears."
JoJo just being herself put a smile on her face. "You can be so insensitive sometimes." JoJo opened her arms for a hug, which Adrian gladly took.
"You love me though."
"I love you though." She sniffed.
"So once we get home we could watch some of those white trash movies you like, get batshit high while making fun of those bozos you work with." Johanna smiled and picked up the heels Adrian tried to discard earlier.
"So what, I just walk home bare feet?" She complained but still started walking, her feet feeling much better now that they were out of those heels.
"What's the problem? In school you would pop off your shoes every and any time they got uncomfortable."
"I'm not the same girl I was when you died. I got a job-"
"Became a pushover."
"Helped my sister through a brain tumor and-- I did not become a pushover." Adrian seemed more disappointed than offended, like she expected this topic to come up at some point.
"Please. You so did." She dragged out every word she spoke. "You didn't see the way you let that guy, Chase, stomp all over you. We let a guys named Chase walk all over us now?"
"JoJo..."
"He literally could've spat on you and you would've apologized! And not in the hot way!"
Adrian would've fought for her dignity but her eyes caught sight of something that made her mind wander away from her dead friend's needless ranting.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're always right." She was in a daze.
She turned to her, unconvinced. "I'm always right?" Johanna blinked at her as if she just learned her dead best friend came back to life to help her achieve her life goals. "Girl, did something happen to Adrianna Whitman? 'Cause I know damn well she wouldn't feed me ego like that."
JoJo turned her gaze to what had caught her friend's attention. "Ohhhh..." Adrian and JoJo were walking right to Adrian's work crush.
"OoOoo, it's your boyfriend." Her teasing immediately forced Adrian out of her love filled haze.
"Are you five?" She sent a glare to her right before Matteo walked up to them.
"Anna?" He smiled as he walked over to the two girls. "I haven't seen you at work in a few days. Is everything okay?" JoJo watched as her best friend melted inside at this man's concern.
"Oh, I-yeah I've been fine, just been busy recently. My-"
"I am so sorry to cut you off but, why are you barefoot right now?" She had just noticed how his eyes moved from hers to her bare feet.
Adrian's face flushed while she crossed one foot over the other as if they weren't both shoeless.
"You like? Adri and I just got mani pedis and I refused to let her wear these awful things while her feet were still healing." JoJo intruded on their conversation, stopping her friend from further embarrassing herself.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there. I'm Matteo." He placed out his hand for JoJo, who graciously shook it.
"JoJo, the second hottest girl you have ever seen in your life." She smiled at him, eyeing him down, trying to decide how good he is for her best friend.
Adrian's face turned from a mocha color to a dark red in a matter of seconds, groaning into her hands. "I'm so sorry about her, she's in training to be a narcissist, and sadly she's the top of her class."
"It's alright." He only smiled in response. "How do you know Adrianna?"
"We're childhood friends. I'm in town for business and I thought we'd catch up." Matteo nodded in understanding, listening to JoJo as she ranted.
"That's so nice of her to let you stay with her for a few weeks." Adrian awkwardly smiled when he glanced at her.
"Adri, is like the nicest person you will ever meet." JoJo clung to the side of Adrian's arm.
Before Matteo could say anything else he got a notification on his phone. "I am so sorry, I have to go. It was so nice meeting you, JoJo. I hope to see you at work soon, Adrian." He smiled before walking to the other side of the street to get where he needs to go.
Adrian turned to JoJo, her face completely red. "What was that?" JoJo seemed to be in her thoughts while Adrian complained.
"He's cute, a little short for you but he's the most polite man I've met in your life since coming back from the dead, so that should say everything about the men you surround yourself with. I think you two would be cute but you're smooth as a field of broken glass --no offense, still love you-- so we'll have to work on that. But otherwise, I totally think I could get you two together before I go back to death!"
"J.J! Would you mind not yelling that? I'm trying to at least look like a sane person." She sighed, grabbing her heels from JoJo's hands to put them back on her feet, no matter how uncomfortable.
"Ok, babe, people literally think you're schizophrenic after my death. There is no way for you to look like a sane person right now. But now let's go back to your apartment and drink some wine and have you gush about Matteo to me so I can figure out how to get you two on a date."
"You are so annoying sometimes." Adrian mumbled as she stood to her pained feet, starting on the route to her apartment, JoJo clinging to her side.
"You love me though."
"I love you though."
It felt good to have her best friend back, even if she was back from the dead.
Not proofread!!!
Author's Note: Ok, so this was my first story on Tumblr. I really hope you all like it. I don't really have much to say, I have a bunch of things sitting in my drafts so there will be more stories like this
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