02/04/21

It’s been a while of having stress dreams so frequently but this time it was different. I have a 3 consecutive day rule and today was the 3rd day of a restless, fatiguing stress dream. My current boyfriend cheated on me. How typical of a “bad dream”, especially being his best friend’s girlfriend. Mind you, the way he acts and who he is as a person is far from anything that would ever happen in real life but of course, this dream felt nothing but real.

As most beginnings, it’s hazy. The first thing I remember is him holding me the day before and I questioned it as I always did, wondering if I deserve it or if there was some underlying reason hiding deep in his actions. I’ve always been anxious, worried, and insecure since my last relationship with how much he invalidated my feelings and tore me down. One of my biggest insecurities is my current boyfriend’s lack of lust and sensual caresses towards me. The day after, I woke up and I’m not sure in what context I remembered him cheating, but he was so defeated and I was so very very angry. So hurt and angry that I wasn’t enough but mostly that I didn’t deserve it, on top of this being his friend’s girlfriend: a girl who I relate to and cherish as she reminds me the friend’s father was running around the friend group’s apartments telling that she had cheated on him with my boyfriend.

In a panic of rage and pain, I left because I felt terrible. I didn’t want to panic too bad so I went to walk; I had no idea what I was going to do because he lives with me and all I wanted was for him to leave oh so badly. Before I left, he kept trying to hug me then give me the excuse that I had been off and on with my anger and treated him so poorly that while he talked to her about me and vented, he grew attached. He distinctly used “I needed someone to turn to, because you weren’t there.” Yet, all I felt was chest pain (which I still feel intenselly after hours of being awake irl), urgest to cry and replaying in my head how I could’ve missed the messages exchanged. No wonder I’m so insecure and how RIGHT I convinced my gut feelings (or paranoia of being hurt in the past) that he genuinely didn’t want me anymore, or simply because I am not deserving to have good things in life.

The true trigger for me to write this as with many of these dreams are the violence that ensues terror in my very bones for 24 hours; almost ALWAYS causing a PTSD response or scarring memory (athough of course, it never actually happened.) Somehow, my old work friend’s shitty boyfriend that are off and on all the time was there. I have a burning disgust for him as he has cheated, lied, and hid things all the time from her irl, despite her continuously returning to him because she is scared and naive. During my walk, I saw him smooching on girls before leaving an alleyway, buckling his pants and grinning. He tried to make small talk, as if he didn’t just defile his very being. Then he smiled with teeth, flipping out his switchblade and threatened to stab me if I told my friend. At one point where he gripped my arm so tight and was attempting to stab my back, he continously yelled, cackled, and justified why my boyfriend cheated on me; why and how I would never be enough for anyone. I was trying to get away and running so fearfully, I ran into some random girl’s apartment close to mine (in the dream.) This part is a bit fuzzy of who she is and how our conversation came about so calming and theraputic. Whoever she was, she was very positive, glowing with safe, warm energy, and supportive of what I deserve. She allowed me to vent all the issues going on that day with my boyfriend and how I’m lost on how to get him to move out and how everything just went so wrong once again. Once again, a true fear of mine that I remember saying with tears in my eyes, is simply how upset and even angry because I felt that no one that comes into my life, even when I take the chance to trust them, is a good person.

Much of these fears and insecurities have lied within me constantly especially with my stress from mundane life and money insecurity. I’m still learning to love myself and overcome toxic thoughts, tendencies, and behaviors towards others. No matter what I do most days, I never feel like I’m ever enough or deserving of my partner, and even when he consoles me and reassures me, I can’t help but feel that he’s going to stop loving me or see me as disgusting just as everyone in my past has. Maybe one day, I can love myself once again. Until then, I can only hope I’ll be normal and not as fucked up tomorrow to survive another day with these thoughts.

3/18/2018-The Worst By Far

This dream was pretty bad. This is definitely the dream that has birthed this blog into my concerning REM sleep. For starters, these dreams don’t happen consistently, but it’s typically around times when I’m really stressed or maybe have something in my life that stresses me out and I might be ignoring without realizing it because I’m distracted by college and my health constantly. For a little backstory, I think that is fairly important about all of this is to know to understand that not only these dreams are disturbing, but absolutely impossible. First and foremost, my father is dead. He passed 09/13/15. Ever since I was born, my dad had always had mental health issues and eventually struggled with alcoholism. Not suprising enough, alcoholism is what killed him. He abused me starting when I was 11 mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically pretty much up until he died. That about does explaination on that. *Sidenote: If at all you ever want more back story or questions about my father, feel free to ask* So this morning I woke up with heavy breathing and feeling like I nearly was choking. I’d assume I cried at some point amidst my sleep because I had a little dampness around my pillow and temples from where I was laying. In this dream, it was as if I lived my life out as 17/18 for some reason still living in the house where my dad died and was able to actually leave the house freely. Like usual, my dad was drunk and my mom was instigating a fight. That night since I was able to leave the house as I wanted, I left because it always is so uncomfortable to be around and I wasn’t about to stick around for it to get bad. I slept at my boyfriend’s house as normal and returned to my house the following afternoon/evening only to find what looked like my mom sleeping on the loveseat and my dad sitting in the same spot on the couch he always did, again drunk as ever with that unstable look on his face which would always make me uneasy and honestly pretty scared. Initially looking at my mom, I thought “she looks dead” but there were thousands of times where I came home and she was just passed out drunk as usual. Yet again, I had always felt one day my dad would kill her because he was fully capable. Then alike every Asian household, I went to see what my mom cooked and as I passed her, I saw her covered in the blanket that was stained with fresh blood and what looked like chopped limbs. I look to the left and her head is there, next to her other chopped limbs on the floor and I feel queasy beyond repair. This really screwed me up when I woke up and honestly, makes me feel sick and heavy just typing about it. As this went on I could feel my dad’s eyes on me and in fear, I just pretended it was normal, took a drink of water, my dad grabbed some food for me, and I said I’d see him again tomorrow. All the while knowing, I’d go to my sister’s in hiding to never again see him with full intent to call the police on him to rid him of my life for good. I tell my sister what happened and wait for my boyfriend to come over and comfort me and I forget to call the police and they both try and convince me it’s pointless to call the police because it’s been so long since the incident, he might have already disposed of the body. Minutes later I tell my sister how concerned I am about Buddy, my dog because he’s practically my son. (But he was my dad’s ride or die when he was alive.) And soon after I say his name, I heard the collar jingle, and looked to the floor nearly dizzy because it’s a view of my dog when he was younger and he’s happy to see me, but all the while seeing him, I know my dad is there. He comes rushing at me with a terrifying grin on his face and I had already seen my boyfriend pull up in a taxi and come inside without realizing my dad is there. Of course I fear my dad will kill us all or take me with him anyway. My worst fear has always been he would kill my boyfriend as he is a POC and my dad was always so racist. After he grabbed my arm, I woke up. He said something to me but right now, I can’t remember. I’ve had some terrifying ones with my boyfriend, dog, and my dad multiple times. But this is the most sickening as if the image was just so real in my head seeing my mom, I just feel like everything is wrong.