skineey

just a reminder to self

Breakfast

french toast sticks abt 400 cal 2 pieces of Bacon 120 cal im not mad but im mad yanno like just unecessary I didnt drink my jug of water like I shouldve

hungry

woke up hungry could eat breakfast not sure though might just have coffee my bed spread never got dry after my cat spilled all over so im literally still without s bed spread trying to find ways to pass time while i dry it for the 5th time i have french toast stick i kinda want and some bacon but that sounds like about a BILLION calories idk yet food makes me to happy and too depressed all at once gonna drink a big ole thing of water

Goofnight

update: cat is now all wet and mad and im washing my bedspread at 1 AM also im done with tumblr tonight hate all of you <3

cat spilled paint water all over white bed spread gonna kms 

Notice I left Tumblr for a year and the second I come back I cant stop manically posting abt my ED thoughts 

Why My ED is making me happy

Im feeling it all return all the signs the isolation the anxiety the obsessive thoughts the constant body check every minute, as I feel it all begin returning I start to feel excitement happiness to the feeling of getting sicker. Every long ED episode Ive had has come on and gone soon after or changed drastically. And with every relapse has come the hopes that maybe this was the relapse that would work that would be the one that gets me so stick thin they need to put me in hospital so thin my friends are worried I want people to think Im at my very best losing all the weight and secretly continue my struggle in peace, I see so so many girls take off weight from an eating disorder quickly I want it so bad. SO with this newest beginning relapse I feel all the symptoms returning along with the intrusive thoughts but yet again as with every single relapse before this one I feel the ever present excitement that this relapse will be the one that finally pushes me over the edge into truly sick. Which by the way if your writing blog posts abt how excited you are to feel a relapse coming you are truly sick. I just want to feel beautiful again and at my sickest is when I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt so with any sign of relapse my hopes rise that this time I will feel beautiful again shortly. I cant seem to stop obsessing and wanting to tell every single soul abt how I would die for their appearance and how they could never understand the pain of looking like me... its giving weird fr like how do I get off thinking Im the most unfortunate looking person when I KNOW im not Im not sure, my breakup about 2 years ago probably still has a lot to do with it, along with getting cheated on it was with a girl who looks almost identical to me jus slightly skinnier and more beautiful all around I mean she's a model,,, I’ll be okay but that fucked me up so bad and Im pretty sure lexapro made me the extra 20lbs of ugly I am now so that's why Im excited to feel all the behavior returning because in my sick head all I can think about is how this time it might work 

-B

TW: RELAPSE ED

ANY ways a bitch relapsed and now I hate school and just dont want to eat because I have no money and no job and being in college is really hard so its jus budgeting at this point for me to jus fully embrace my ED again will update tomorrow as I go but I have school at night and night is jus when I wanna be alone so maybe ill jus have a mental breakdown before school well see planning on drinking hella coffee and simply starving for skinny tmw

Im sorry but her shoulders ??? like ? she literally hates that she's thinspo and has talked abt her ED a lot but like some of us are sick and cant respect ur wishes at the moment even though your sick too 

this girl is making me so sick like all I think abt is how skinny she got in a short ass period of time 

been a year or so thoughts been bad relapse is here so I am back I moved from home and here I am in the middle of no where at the highest weight Ive ever been a weight even a doctor would agree is enough to be a little concerned for low key I just need this back so I can be good again Im starting Wellbutrin which allegedly help w weightless and then I also found a bunch of old diet pills I just wanna be under 180 again bro like idk how I let it get so so bad

I ate two meals today and had ice cream.... DISGUSTING GONNA WORKOUT TN

dissapeared. Im back. gonna do Chloe ting starting tomorrow.

tried to have some more POC thinspii cause I see way to many white girls. Im white and I dont need to see more white. I want a tiny waist very badly. Today Im currently on a liquid fast Im drinking sparkling water who knows might get cooky and have some cranberry juice we’ll see. Anyway something really clicked in my brain today I am not goin to eat. even at dinner when my mom asks me like five times to take a bite I will refuse and be strong and skinny. 

Reach Out

I just want to say every one of you has every right to eat and has every right to live. Its okay to fuel your body. Its alright. If you ever read a post of mine and find yourself reflecting on your eating habits because of things I say please know my dysmorphia and my disorder apply to me and only me. I have no negative opinions of anyones body truly. You are beautiful and my own negative thoughts of my body do not reflect on you your eating habits or your body. if you ever need anything please feel free to reach out Im here for anyone. 

anti-binge guide

when you feel a craving coming on:

drink a glass or two of water, slowly

have a piece of fruit, like an apple

make some warm herbal tea with natural sweetener

go for a long walk or hike, put your earphones in and clear your head - walk with a friend if you’d prefer

if you’re still craving the food, have the tiniest bit of it, no more than a bite, and have another glass of water

distractions:

watch a long movie or start a new show

study! complete homework or begin revising for exams

write down your own thinspo imagines

do some online window shopping and look at all the outfits you want to wear at a smaller size

make your own thinspo playlist

do some yoga or meditation

things to keep in mind:

you already know what your favourite foods taste like - you don’t need to eat them again in bulk

imagine the amount of progress you’ll make tomorrow if you exercise self control right now

the shame and guilt that follows a binge is not worth it

the physical pain and exhaustion is not worth it

you’re not just affecting your weight, you’re affecting your overall health, your mental well-being, your skin

binging means you’re wasting your time when you could be doing something much more productive 

found this on my instagram today :)) 

hip bones