I'm not even fully caught up in 911, I'm in season 5, but you BEST BELIEVE I already watched the scene of Eddie desperate to try to save buck and I am eating it up. And the parallels between Eddie trying to pull buck up and buck trying to dig Eddie up when he was buried, and yanking him into safety when he was shot. PLEASE my heart can't take it

How hypocritical is it that I feel so desperately isolated and lonely, yet I have no desire to be known? Nobody else should have to look into the mess that is my head. It'd be scary to tell somebody I'm okay and for them to tell me they know I'm not. No, thank you. I'll pass.

Hopefully I'm attending college this year and my dream is to stop applying myself in all things stem and focus solely on the arts and humanities. I want to study creative writing at a random university in the middle of Ireland and visit new countries every other month and become an accomplished author, but then I stop and think to myself, because I live my life on the following criteria: will it aid me in the event of an apocalypse? For this reason, as I finished up my applications in December, I checked off the premed or biology box so that I can pursue a doctorate or PhD. Is this crazy? Yes. Yes it is. But when the apocalypse hits, it will be hard for me to outlive my use. Can't survive if you can't get stitched up and healed. This sounds even crazier when I extract it from my head and put it into words. Trust me, ik. Anyways...

I want to go home so bad, but I find these days I don't even know where home is or what it means.

Guys fanfiction has taken over my life. I'm consuming it in what is most certainly an unhealthy amount. If I'm ever on my phone, which I always am, I am reading fanfiction. I read it at school, in the car, in the br, when I should be sleeping. There's something so comforting in reading about your favorite characters in a million new ways. Wonder why my screen time shows only like 15 minutes a week on tik tok? It's bc of ao3. My chrome screen time is like 20 hours a day. I lose sleep over this. Send help. 💀😭 but actually don't bc you won't be able to pry it from my cold dead hands.

You can never read a book for the first time again, but you can pick it up a million times after and fully reread it, or just your favorite scenes, and find home and comfort in its pages. Maybe you'll notice new things and maybe you won't, but those characters will always be there for you if you need them. And that's kind of beautiful.

Why do I take it personally when I read negative reviews of my favorite books? My brain tells me they're invalidating my feelings and personally attacking me. Like back off, miss girl, it just wasn't for them. In other words, Ari and Dante had such a big impact on me I read it like 2 years ago and still think about it constantly. Ari Mendoza is me and I am Ari Mendoza. That's all.

Nobody works faster than fanfiction writers. Or fan artists and editors for that matter. I stayed up until like 3 in the morning on the 1st to binge watch Young Royals season 2 the day it came out, and I'm staying up again on pure obsession for this show to read fanfiction about how season 3 could look. And I've already found like 4 good ones. 😍 I'm exhausted tho. And I have ignored all of my homework for 3 days now 😬 And I forgot to post this yesterday when I wrote it. I'm in too deep.

I'm still learning how to use Tumblr, but I just wanted to say I submit my first two college applications and didn't realize until last minute I needed recommendations and now I have to tell 2 teachers today I put their names in at 11:45 when my application was due at midnight with no advance 😭😍 Merlin and Arthur did have to deal with this crap. Though they probably would've done more planning, so ig it's my fault.🙄😬