reminderofapast
I'm dying and trying But believe me I'm fine
But I'm lying
I'm so very far from fine
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Update: it became a pattern 馃檭
Finally broke today and smoked during the day because of stress, surely this won't become a pattern! 馃槂 <- lying
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It's kind of crazy how I've literally never been honest with anyone
There has not been one person in my life- therapist, psychiatrist, friends, family, partner- that I haven't lied to about how I feel
Even in completely anonymous online forums, I always lie
It's like I physically cannot say what's wrong with me
Because the second I say the truth, it becomes real. I can't lie to myself any longer
And fuck even in the fucking psych ward I couldn't open up
Every single new therapist I get I vow to change, then I immediately start hiding the truth
Even to strangers online
You know, there's not a single person who knows that every circular scar covering me is a burn. There may be people who suspect it, but even they have no idea how bad it really is
I'm such a fucking coward
#this blog is my only truth#and it's still only a fraction#complex ptsd#trauma#recovery#self h@rm#help#ptsd#burns#what the actual fuck is wrong with me
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I stifle a cry as my mother on the phone asks why I can't open up
"I know you might get hurt, but what if you don't?
What if someone accepts you, treats you with kindness?"
I sob rips through my chest
I can never fucking say how that would be so much worse
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Y'all it got so much worse lol
And life, erm, finds a way!
(to keep making things worse)
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And life, erm, finds a way!
(to keep making things worse)
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I genuinely don't know how much longer I can keep living like this
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Well that took forever to get over holy shit
I fucking hate how one thing resurfacing from the past sends me on a tailspin
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Absolutely hilarious that right after typing this I literally shattered and called 988
I fucking hate how one thing resurfacing from the past sends me on a tailspin
#complex ptsd#abuse#panic attack#ptsd#recovery#trauma#help#suicide hotline#988lifeline#oh yeah it's flashback time baby#flashback#actually suicidal
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I fucking hate how one thing resurfacing from the past sends me on a tailspin
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Finally broke today and smoked during the day because of stress, surely this won't become a pattern! 馃槂 <- lying
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I'll be honest, I'll probably keep smoking until it inevitably lands my asthmatic ass in the hospital
#the smoking is helping me curb evey other self destructive behavior#smoking#nicotine#cigarette#nicotine addiction#self h@rm
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that karen russell quote about screaming that you want to go home when yo鈥檙e already at home
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馃拃 -> Skull of a Skeleton with Burning Cigarette (Painting, Vincent van Gogh) Stimboard !
馃摝 -> with related stims !
馃摤 -> self indulgent !
馃摂 -> 馃Υ - 馃毈 - 馃Υ / 馃毈 - 馃毈 / 馃Υ - 馃毈 - 馃Υ
馃敁 -> Requests Are Closed ! Request Rules !
DNI -> NSFW/Kink/Etc. A Minor Runs This Blog !
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