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thesillestluxeandcastiel · 6 months

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Don't!

Cordell Walker x Suicidal!Child!Reader

Author summary: Reader suffers from self harm and Cordell is blind enough to ignore the warning signs untill they fully try to commit.

Tw: Cursing, Heavy agnst, Heavy Fluff, Self harm mention, and Suicide mention.

S/C = Selected Clothes

W/J = Wanted Job

So, here we are folks! As much as I'd like to send all of you to therapy myself, I cannot. As someone who struggles with the same things, if you can, PLEASE get help. Either that, or call the suicide and self harm prevention hotline. (988) thank you for listening to my rant as someone who goes through the same things, and has lost quite a few people from these things.

Also, the x reader (romantic) will be out shortly. Probably the same storyline, just adjusted.

Thank you for reading my rant lovelies. Looks like I've kept you long enough, so let's get movin on, shall we?

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You groaned softly as you woke up. Smelling Grandma and Grandpas 'famous' bacon. You smiled, and got up. Quickly realizing the blade you had used yesterday was still left on your counter. 'Shit, shit what if dad saw? What if August saw? Stella?!' You thought, rushing over to lock it in one of your drawers. You sighed, hoping it was none of the above.

See, you were the middle child. August was the youngest, and Stella was the oldest. Obviously, you were different. Y/n Walker. 'What a wonderful name,' You thought sarcastically as you got up to look into the mirror. Last night you had only worn a S/C and some underwear, so you lifted up the sleeves of your S/Cto see the damage.

'Holy shit. That...that might be permanent.' You thought as you stared at self-inflicted scars with wide eyes. Then, suddenly Stella bursted into your room. "Hey, dad sent me in here to wake you- oh your already up!" She smiled at you. You quickly pulled down your sleeves, smiling back at her. "Yes Ms Blue, I am. Nowww I would like to get dressed, if you don't mind." You retorted, smiling and leaning your head towards the door. She groaned, and walked out the door with a smile.

'Now, what the fuck do I wear to hide all this shit?' You thought, staring at yourself in the mirror again.

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You had chosen a simple sweater and jeans. Also a belt. Only problem was it was a very hot day in Texas, so you were sweating bullets. Especially because you were doing chores with your dad.

Cordell quickly noticed something was wrong with your outfit. It was what, 90 degrees? Why are you wearing a sweater??

"Yknow, it might be easier if you just took the sweater off, N/n." He stated, focusing on carving the new post just right.

You bit your lip and mentally panicked because what the fuck were you supposed to say?

"Uh- well, it's my favorite sweater so... I'll just wear it for now!" You knew that wouldn't keep your father away for too long, especially sense it's... Him. But he brushed it off for now, making conversations here and there as he worked. You let out a quiet sigh of relief.

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You sat down at the dinner table. Luckily, no one was here currently so you could just relax for once. You sighed, and put your head into your hands, rubbing your temples. 'Today has been one hell of a day,' you thought, chuckling slightly. Then, you felt a figure slide into the chair in front of you. You looked up to see a very serious Liam staring back at you.

"N/n." He started, staring at your arms. Then, the anxiety rushed to your head, fearful of what he could've found.

"Do you mind explaining," he started, and then whipped out your journal and slammed it onto the table. "This? And don't play dumb with me, I read it. All of it." He explained, staring at you with worried eyes.

"U-uncle liam, i-" you started, tearing up. Quickly, you forced the tears back down. After mom, you promised yourself you wouldn't cry.

"I, uhm, have been struggling, a lot recently. As you probably read." You stated, motioning at the journal. He nodded.

"I understand that, but talk to one of us. Me, Your grandpa, hell, does your dad even know?" He asked, staring at you with concerned, but angry/disappointed eyes. Suddenly, Cordell walked in.

"Do I know what?" He asked, looking between you and Liam.

You looked at Liam with 'please, I'll tell him on my own time. Just don't do this!' Eyes, holding a breath. Liam sighed.

"Oh, uhm nothing much. Just discussing career paths with N/n over here. Yknow, it's crazy, they told me they want to work at a w/j!" He responded smiling quickly to cover the act, and you sighed a heavy sigh of relief. He probably got that from your journal. You smiled and looked at your father, nodding.

Cordell shrugged. He knew something was up, but it couldn't be Serious enough that his brother would lie to him about his own kid, right? He smiled, and went to sit next to you.

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It was, what? 3:30 am and here you are. Having a panic attack over cutting yourself. Again. 'Screw it, I'm ending this. Tonight.' You thought, sneaking out of your room quickly and quietly, trying not to make a lot of noise to wake anyone. Successfully, you had made it out the door.

See, Y/n walker didn't take special classes for nothing. You pulled a little trick, and managed to grab the keys for the mercadi on the way out. You grabbed them carefully, turning on the car and speeding off. Did you even have a license yet? 'No, but who the hell cares!' You thought speeding off. Little did you know, August had seen the whole thing.

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"Dad, DAD! wake up!" Stella shook her dad awake, he groaned and turned over to look at her.

He coughed and sat up, blankets still around him. "Yes, Yes Stella what's up? Why must you wake a tired ranger at, 4:00 in the morning?" He asked, yawning.

"Y/n is gone! August told me he saw them drive off with the mercadi! Dad, they don't even have a license!" She practically yelled at him.

"THEYRE WHAT?!" he yelled, springing out of bed quickly. He ran and put his ranger equipment on quickly, before returning back in front of Stella.

"Stella, listen." He crouched down in front of her. "They'll be okay, we'll find them I promise alright? Now, you go grab August and get him in the car." Stella nodded quickly, running out of the room to go grab August. Truth be told, he was worried. Enough of his family had died already. 'No no, no dark thoughts right now, N/n is more important. ' he thought, and nervously stepped out of the room, practically running downstairs and outside into the car.

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There you were, just peacefully sitting on the not so safe side of the railing. You took a deep breath in of fresh air, staring down at the busy street below you. 'I could just jump now, what am I waiting for?' You thought, and slowly wiggled your way off the edge. Starting to fall, untill a hand grabbed you back. You looked confused, turning around you saw August.

"August?! Wha- what are you doing here?" You asked nervously. Staring at your brothers worried face.

"Oh I don't know, I'm here because I'm not gonna let my sibling KILL THEMSELVES?! DAD! STELLA! HELP!" He yelled.

'Shit, shit, shit. This is not good, holy fuck.' You thought, letting go of his hand. "August, just let me go. I don't have to be a burden anymore." You said, staring at him with upset eyes as you teared up.

"Wha- NO! DAD- STELLA, PLEASE!" he yelled again, grabbing your hand tighter and trying to pull you up untill eventually your dad and Stella bursted through the door. Staring at you dangling off the edge. Cordell looked at you with shock, his mouth making a small O shape. Stella immediately started to tear up, covering her mouth with her hands.

"Uh, a little HELP, please?" August yelled at them, untill they snapped out of their trance. Quickly, you tried to wiggle your way out of August's grasp, but it was no use, as Cordell had a hold of your hand now, along with Stella. Quickly, you were pulled over the railing. You broke down, watching them all stare at you like some kind of lab experiment. Then, Cordell hugged you, as tight as he could.

You gasped, staring into his chest. Then, August joined the hug, along with Stella.

Shortly after they let go, and Cordell crossed his arms, staring down at you. "I think I can speak for all of us when I say, don't do this again, N/n. We love you. What would this family be like without you? You can always talk to any of us, you know that, right?" He asked, almost crying himself.

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I just didn't wanna be a burden.." You sobbed out. He sighed, and smiled at you.

"Well, let's take you somewhere where you aren't a burden then. Let's go home, okay?" He asked, smiling down at you. You smiled back, and nodded, still crying.

And eventually, maybe you would get better. Maybe, just maybe, you could actually get better.

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Originally written from wattpad, so if you recognize this from that you know who I am now!

1627 words! My best so far 😈

Bonus: Cordell watched you intently as you emptied your drawers for anything sharp as he held out his hand. You groaned and handed them to him. He frowned softly. "Yknow we all love you, right?" We're all here. Even if your grandpa seems like.. A meanie sometimes, even he'd listen about this. Okay?" He asked. You nodded, tearing up again. He smiled softly. "Alright, alright." He hugged you tightly, and for once, you hugged him back.

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sirtrafficthethird · 3 months

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In case nobody has told you today, I love you. You are amazing and beautiful. Without you, the world would be missing something unique and special that nobody else can make up for. You are worth your weight and then some in gold. So be kind to yourself! And make sure you take time for self care!

DEPRESSION TIPS:

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes. Put on your favorite underwear. Those ridiculous boxers you bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? Put them on. Sweatpants? Sweaters? Hoodies? Jeans? Pajamas? Whatever is comfortable and clean and makes you smile.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Bundle up if you have too. Listen to whatever birds winter where you are, watch the squirrels, admire whatever lights are in the trees. Go to the mailbox, send a letter, a bill, a card.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

Find something to be grateful for!

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive.

At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on.

#depression tips #mental health #self care #if I can do it you can do it #SuicideAwareness #HaveARealConversation #988lifeline #speak up against stigma #EndStigma

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mydigitaldiaryz · 13 days

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Entry Log #8

Sort of blanking out on this entry. I'll probably forget what I put in here.

TW; Talks of OD, Suicide

My friends have been steadily leaving me. This is for the better, though. This is actually a positive thing compared to something negative. It's part of a suicide plan that I made a while ago.

The more friends I lose, the more closer it gets me to commiting. The second I get rid of all my silly companions, I think I'll follow through with the plan I've conjured up in my head and come out to my parents about being gay and how I cut myself. I know they don't accept homosexuality. They'll probably hate that for me, 'nd probably kick me out of the house.

Of course, I'll comply. I'd pack, nothing much really, my phone, a bottle of water, and the bottles of extra-strength tylenol that I have been conjuring up over time. I'll move to a secluded space, I can already guess where-ever it might be. Honestly, I even thought about doing it in my childhood park, get a taste of nostalgia before I go out. For the sake of it, I'll probably text my final goodbyes and shoot my last voicemails to my loved ones, even leave them a paper letter to read. A goodbye note to send myself off. Hell, I'd probably even live stream it. Make myself known or famous too. It's silly childhood dream of mine. I know that part is twisted, but if I'm going out, why not let everybody know about it? I bet people would love to see that anyways.

Then, at the end of my plan, I die. As plain as that. And I know it will work too, because I'll make sure it works, considering the amount I would take if I eventually reach that time.

I'd rather not have a funeral. Or have my loved ones cry over somebody like me. That's why I want them all gone and hating me before I die. So they don't have to suffer, seeing their friend/family pass. Not to mention how expensive the funeral would be, god, I'd never wish that burden on my mother or father. I'm already a big enough one anyways. I feel like I was destined to be alone, too. From when I began living to where I die, I'll be alone. And I accepted it, at this point.

Of course, I know this can change for the better, so it's a plan for a reason. But that's so completely unlikely now. I've lost hope of my life changing. It's sad to know that my life dreams will never get completed, my hopes and wishes will never come true because I am an incompetent person who can't face reality and the struggles of being alive. I'm drowning and there's no way out of it anymore. I'm suffocated. I mean, I really wish I could've accomplished something, but now? I can barely see me getting out of bed without having to cry or feel like a piece of shit. I'll never have the life I wanted. I'll never be the person I could have been. I'll never be anything. All my dreams are just a waste. Nothing I even wish for comes true, all my prayers have never been answered.

I want them to, though. I want to keep fighting, but I don't have the strength anymore. I wish I could continue staying strong, but I don't know now if I ever was in the first place. I wish I could give little me the life they always wanted. It breaks my heart knowing that little kid will turn out to me. They would be so disappointed in what they see now.

To the little me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the life that you wanted. I tried my best, I swear. I promise in this next one I'll make you proud. I'll do my best. I'll give you everything I couldn't have in this life. Maybe in another place and time, but it's just not here. It can't be.

I just want to die soon. I hope this process speeds up faster. Some people are really stubborn when it comes to leaving, but thankfully, most don't care when I'm gone or not. I need to disappear soon. I hope my plan will follow through soon enough.

Goodnight reader, thank you for reading to the end. (If there is any reading it.) I'd appriciate a like and follow, really gets me going 🙏

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darkangel888 · 8 months

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Just hit an artery for the first time. I saw my heartbeat, nice. I feel weirdly calm about it. I thought I would freak out more. Hmm… well that happened

#tw sh #tw sh mention #988blr #988twt #988lifeline #tw selfhate #mentally unwell #mentally fucked #mentally unstable #self destructor #tw self destruction #tw self harn #sh #tw sh related #tw s3lfh@rm #styroblr #beansblr #bpdblr

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aliens-and-shiz · 9 months

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Epilogue.

If the universe was a flower, then the expansion of it could simply be opening up to a multiversal sun. If the universe was alive, gravity would be its bones, it’s tendons, everything holding it all together. So… with that said…

If creation and entropy had thoughts would they bicker and war above time itself?

What would happen if a minute was a year?

What would happen if a year was a minute?

What if we’re just too slow to see past it all?

If concepts had a conscience, would we be concepts to them?

If you traveled faster than the speed of light, would you punch into beyond?

Or would you simply end up right back where you started?

What is in the darkness between the stars? What lies within the void of the unseen?

What is between reality and damnnation?

Are we just a speck on a floating puff of smoke?

Or somehow are we larger than giants?

Perhaps the answers to these questions will be answered one day. But until then, both are always true. Nothing. Everything. Chaos. Order.

But, for those of us reading this epilogue, which is by no means a conclusive ending.

BAH!

Much like the epiphany discussed within, the never ending hunt that can be encompassed by Schrödingers cat, there are two meanings to epilogue. And this is the latter and far less common. A comment, from some… well call us a less well known one than you are used to.

And the comment is this:

Do not stray into destruction. It is not diving into chaos but the epitome of order. Taking control of what is before you and removing it from your view until it is in a state you can look upon with some satisfaction. And destruction is never finished until every last block is cleared away until the canvas is completely clean; perfect. Ready for the chaos of creation to once again begin and mar its perfection. Instead embrace the chaos, become what you were always meant to be and bring forth something new, something unknown, unexplored. Bask in curiosity, bathe in the joy of life’s chaos within itself. Your battle is shared even though it is your own, and do not go calmly into that good night. Instead fight it, and break through it to see a new dawn.

Or more simply:

Do something with your life. Quit wasting it. Carpe diem.

You will see me again one day. Don’t you fret, for I have remembered how to flap my wings and am beginning to fly again.

And I’ll fly by again one day. And when I do, I hope to see you shine, Stardust.

#in honor of the fallen #space orcs #sci fi & fantasy #love and death #carpe diem #epilogue #long reads #humans are space australians #988lifeline

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