today my girlfriend spent 55 dollars on plants and then argued with me about paying for our drinks while i (unsuccessfully) tried to hold her back and pay myself. the barista sided with me. it was my favorite barista. i feel terribly betrayed. i named the plants after the girls in wild kratts

me talking to my (closeted) girlfriends (low key homophobic) father when he picks her up from a date: ah yes hello sir thank you for letting your very straight daughter sit in my kitchen and talk about plants while i made her soup it was a great platonic hang out okay byeeee

i am a mood necklace from six flags; i am bullshiting everything and everyone with common sense knows it but no one cares and a surprising amount of people believe me

this crushing sadness. this terrible pain. shall my heartache never end? why must i be given everything pure and beautiful only for it to end so quickly and be pulled from my grasp? why must this cycle of endings always continue?

on an unrelated note, i finished the owl house

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

i need something good okay

This is the lucky clover cat. reblog this in 30 seconds & he will bring u good luck and fortune.

matilda by roald dahl is baby’s first “fuck the system” and no one can convince me otherwise

i forget to check this app for one month and now my entire feed is vanilla extract wtf happened

Just in case any of my plushies loving neurodivergent followers needed to hear this today:

Sleeping with plushies is good.

Talking to plushies is good.

Taking plushies everywhere with you is good, out in public and all.

Collecting plushies is good. There is no such thing as too many plushies.

Plushies are good. They are the best.

“i am eating soup. it is good soup. however, my father has given me big spoon. truly ginamasourus spoon. this is bad. i have also reached the last bites of the soup. large spoon is making scrape sound on the bowl. this is bad.” incident; 1 death 12 injured

wdym i don’t show you i care about you? i’ve given you 5 fun facts that have nothing to do with anything today, and i sent you stuff about a fandom i want you to join! is that not your love language too?

did you know that the reason we throw up is cause when your stomach gets irritated enough your body’s assumption is that you’ve consumed poison and it has to get it out right away and that’s why rat poison doesn’t work on people cause rats don’t have gag reflexes but we do also your mouth fills with saliva right before you throw up to protect your teeth from your stomach acid because stomach acid can dissolve metal but not the shell of corn cause we don’t have the enzymes to do that because it has cellulose which is an insoluble fiber

i looked all of this up at three in the morning after i threw up i am very tired

the fact that explaining jokes ruins them is bullshit. the phrase “you know what happens when you assume things” is comedic gold cause there’s the obvious assumption that the speaker makes, that the person you’re speaking to knows what happens when you assume things, but there’s also a second secret assumption that the listener makes about what happens when you assume things and it took me a while to realize how great that phrase is

there is something so darkly comical about tumblr potentially outliving twitter

tumblr, which is held together with duct tape and madness, run by three raccoons in blood stained Yahoo! hats and a handful of crabs, its only discernible source of income the sale of shoelaces from an inside joke so inside no one knows the original source anymore and fake blue checkmarks... that website still lives on

truly the cockroach of social media and I love it for that

“i’m literally neurodivergent and a minor”ing a fucking dragon is a power move, i will not lie😭