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psychokiiller · 3 months
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Today I turned on your phone
Your number has been deactivated for a while now
I can't no longer sent you messages pretending you'll read them
I looked through the your gallery and emails
I saw how you saw the world
I saw how you read the world
I erased everything
I can't no longer keep waiting for a apology that won't come
I can't no longer keep waiting for a forgiveness I can't give
I'm letting go of you now
Sorry mom
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psychokiiller · 6 months
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"Why don't you say you love me?"
Because everyone I've ever loved left me
Because everyone I've ever loved hurted me
Because loving you would be like playing russian roulette
And as much as I care for you, I know you'll pull the trigger eventually
From the list of things I shouldn't be thinking about
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psychokiiller · 6 months
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Just made the most rookie mistake as an ao3 reader, overlook the water sports tag
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psychokiiller · 8 months
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TW: Self-uniliving
I was fourteen when I died for the first time
Or maybe I died before that and were just confused about why my body keep on existing without decay
I remember taking the poison bottle from the cabinet and tasting the bitterness of it
I remember sitting in the bed and waiting for it to work as my mother wailed
I remember smiling as I lost conciousness while the paramedics begged me to stay awake
I remember closing my eyes on purpose
I remember the disdain in the nurses eyes and the pain from them pulling the tubes from my body while sneering at me
I remember him, in the entrance of the room, cruelly smiling as I called him father for the last time and begged for it to stop
I remember my mother's soft hands and discerning eyes pretending she didn't seen it
I don't remember anyone asking why
I don't remember a friendly face, a warm hug or a comforting hand
I don't remember most of my life before and most of my life after
I don't remember what it was like on the other side
But I remember peace and I never felt that while breathing
So, sometimes, I like to close my eyes and pretend I'm there with the fourteen year old me who died that day
I pretend we're under a tree and she has her head on my lap. I stroke her hair while singing her favorite songs.
She'll ask me if it got better
I'll would lie and say yes
She'd ask me for a hug
And I would give her the warmest hug I could and I'd feel her doing the same
She'd say she love me and I would not be able to say it back
I would look into her eyes and see what she was: broken in a million pieces, but kind.
Kind enough to turn her broken pieces inside so they could only hurt herself
She would look into my eyes and see what I am now: broken in hundreds of millions pieces and cruel
Cruel enough to turn my fractures outwards and hurt every single one that comes near
She would look down at her mangled and bloodied body in confusion and stare at me in horror as I watch her die once more
She remembers what happened
I don't and I refuse to do so
So she has to go
Memories, or what I have left of them
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psychokiiller · 9 months
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The reason why Crowley always refers to Aziraphale as "angel" is because he was having doubts after lying to Gabriel about Job's children????????????? And so Crowley wanted to make him secure in his position??????????
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psychokiiller · 9 months
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CROWLEY IS THE WORD
The word is responsible for executing the All Mighty creations
In the bible version of my previous religion, The Word was also know as The First Son/ The Architect and went to earth to become Jesus
But, since we know that Crowley is not Christ, he could be the first Word, someone who came before the one who would become Christ and that would put him in a level that was higher from most angels, comparing only to Christ and Lucifer's (pre-fall) positions in the angelic hierarchy.
The Word can also be an order of angels in the series, that way it would make sense him not knowing about the earth creation beforehand since other Words would be responsible for that part
Anyways, going back to watch the show now
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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Dang it guys
we only ever talked about HALF of why these scenes were a big deal, like I just realized this today and my heart is going insane.
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It’s not just that Crowley’s pissed at Gabriel for treating who he thinks as Aziraphale this way, the last thing he says to the people about to kill him is a benign and peaceful wish to see them again.
And like- this is Crowley trying to replicate Aziraphale to a T. So he legitimately just sees him as this endless well of compassion, someone who is always warm and accepting. It’s not just their friendship throughout the years, he remembers Aziraphale’s kindness on the Eastern Gate. When the angel had absolutely no reason to trust this random demon who just slithered up next to him. Crowley knows that he’s loved. Maybe not like that quite yet (although he’d be very wrong), but he knows that around his friend he’s always welcome and safe.
And Aziraphale?
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Well he just thinks Crowley’s the coolest fucker alive, like he is laying it in THICK and enjoying every second. Listen to that charisma, look at that smirk. These are traits that are typically only appreciated in the context of how good it makes Crowley at tempting, a job he hates. But Aziraphale doesn’t see someone manipulative or regard this persona as signs of his “demonic nature”, he just sees Crowley. Someone charming, fun loving, and cute.
This is when we get to know precisely why they love each other, what exactly they see in the other.
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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I'm old
I feel the weight of my bones pressing down my ankles
I feel the weight of my health crushing down on me
I feel the blurriness of my eyes giving me headaches
I feel the heaviness of my soul begging for rest
I'm only 21 years old
Yet, I feel like I've lived centuries trapped in this flesh
I don't want to die of old age, for if my brain decides to finally act like how it truly feels, I'll go sleep tonight and won't wake up tomorrow.
From the list of things I shouldn't be thinking about
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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"Why?
Why did you create so many good people if you're going to make them survive the bad ones?
Why, of everyone you could've chosen, you decided to place me with the bad ones?
Why do I have to cry myself to sleep?
Why do I have to be scared of closing my eyes at night?
Why you did not made mom love me enough to protect me?
Why do I have to die so I can have peace?
Why, if you're all kind and all powerful, you did not saved me?
Why you did not protected me?
Why you could love all those people but not me?
Why you do not exist even though everyone promised me that you'd be the only one who'll love me no matter what?"
The diary of my 14 year old self
From the list of things I shouldn't be thinking about
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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This drac walked so Alucard could run like a cunty vamp
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From 3DBearnadette on tweeter...
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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That’s the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. “Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?” This book is my comment.
—Foreward from Long Life: Essays and Other Writings by Mary Oliver
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psychokiiller · 10 months
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Oh to be a wlw searching for the best smoothies
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psychokiiller · 11 months
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He be like: "I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about, chile anyways..."
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psychokiiller · 11 months
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C: "I can give you a lift, drop you off anywhere" To me that's an euphemism to how he's willing to wait for Aziraphale
A: "You go too fast to me, Crowley" Aziraphale telling him he's not ready yet
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psychokiiller · 11 months
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Watching Good Omens and just realized that, maybe, if Aziraphale had not stopped to talk with Crowley in Rome and invited him to get oysters, we could be watching a completely different story, or maybe for completely different perspectives 🤧😭
Because up to that point it was always Crowley approaching him and that moment was the first time he approached Crowley first
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psychokiiller · 11 months
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In the notes app of my phone, there's dozens of questions I would like to ask someone.
It has been a few years since I started collecting them and right now it's a wide range of silly to deep soul-searching questions.
I still have not used a single one of them.
Sometimes, when I go add another one, I wonder if I should just delete everything. Asking those questions would mean curiosity, interest. Asking would mean caring.
I'm way more scared of losing someone I care about than I'm scared of being alone.
I'm comfortable in my solitude. I'm comfortable in my fake smiles and shallow relationships. You can't drown in shallow waters, and, I'm way too comfortable in letting the ocean take my last breath to risk losing myself in the deep.
From the list of things I shouldn't be thinking about.
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psychokiiller · 11 months
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Happy Pride!
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