OK SO BASICALLY

Okey so idk wtf is happening to me i dont desire like nothing anymore; i dont desire having good grades, people liking me, being smart, a good future, a different body, being good at maths again, etc. Idk wtf happened really, like 4 or 5 months ago i would do studyplans, i exercised, i cared about my grades, i counted calories and compare myself a lot; while this might sound like a liberating thing IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD, I dont have aspirations, sure i like to do things like draw but i dont expect nothing from me when doing it??? But its not like i dont have aspirations bc im depressed again (debatable) but like im not in the mentality of ¨oh well im going to kms anyways so why do i care¨ its like im just existing, but the weirdest part is that thinking of that disgusts me, i dont feel like i would do all of those things, like studying bc i actually care?? thats not something that i do and i dont like the idea of it, it doesnt feel good. And if i actually did it (i cant imagine myself caring about that anymore) I feel like i should change my entire life just so i can fit the type of people that care, IF ME STUDY BC I CARE WHY ME DRESS WEIRD AND HAS WEIRD THINGS ON WALL DOESNT MAKE SENSE. I dont even feel stupid thinking this anymore ik its so dumb like i was literally raped why do i care about this bullshit BUT I CANT CARE ABOUT IT 

GOOD MORNING- tw fucking going crazy

SO I NEED ADVICE I THINK IM AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE IN WICH I CANT GET BACK, I DONT, CANT AND DONT WANT TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY FUTURE, MY GRADES, MY RELATIONSHIPS, MY FRIENDSHIPS, ALL I DO IS THINK ABOUT THE PAST AND THE PRESENT AND EAT NOTHING MORE I REALLY DONT KNOW WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME, LIKE 4 MONTHS AGO MAYBE I NEVER ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING TO IMPROVE MY LIFE BUT AT LEAST I DESIRED IT NOW I DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, I DONT FEEL ITS REAL HELPHELPHELPHELPHELP

I FEEL LIKE NOTHING OF THAT IS REAL, AND THAT HAVING A GOOD LIFE ISNT PART OF WHO I AM ITS SO WEIRD I DONT EVEN WANT TO KILL MYSELF ANYMORE I JUST DONT CARE ABOUT LIKE THE THINGS I SHOULD CARE ABOUT