Can I blame you for my pain?

Pairings: Lee Know x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Major character death & mentions of blood.

Word Count: 487

They say, “Humans are social creatures.” And he often questions them. Why?

He believed that getting overly affixed, dependent and infatuated with human beings or rather one single human being could result in extreme fatalities. He just hadn't jumped to blatant conclusions. Oh, how he wished he had. Unfortunately, this particular belief had been his well-deserved dividend in life. A dividend so harrowing and torturous that he could physically feel the pain. Maybe even worse than a physical wound. This was a wound that inflicted fresh pain every time the memory walked down his memory lane, unsolicited. It had become the one memory that would haunt him for the rest of his life, chewing away at the negligible amount of troubled equilibrium he had left in his life.

The brief memory of a sunny morning, warm coffee, bright smiles, a few stolen kisses, unending proclamations of love, chasing her, her giggling, her running into the balcony, her looking back at him to blow a raspberry, her giggling some more, a sudden scream, her falling from the twenty-third floor, her body spreadeagled at the foot of the apartment, a rush down the stairs, more stairs, lots of blood, him screaming, lots of pain, it hurts, it really hurts, his throat feels parched, he needs water, no, he needs her, white noise, darkness, he can not breathe.

He shot up from his bed only to turn to his left to feel for her presence. Empty. The bed was empty and cold. Just as it had been yesterday night. And the night before that. It had been so for the past three months, ever since the incident had taken place. He was barely surviving now. No, he was dead. His heart had jumped off the balcony with her. It had broken into a million pieces that she had carried, piece by piece, with her to heaven. Now? He just existed. A bare body moving around, breathing, existing, until the point where he would feel like stopping. Maybe, if he died too, he could see her. He would probably. Soon. The only thing stopping him was that small nagging in his brain that kept telling him, “She would never forgive you if you did that.”

Maybe if he had never met her, she wouldn't have died. He wouldn't have to see her die. He wouldn't have to feel her die. With love comes repercussions. Yes, there was happiness, bliss and all of the other sugar-coated things about love. But no one ever questioned if they could withstand losing their significant half. No one ever questioned if they could live on without their significant other. They just took the plunge and got attached, enchanted and infatuated with that one person who later became their reason for pain. Did he want her to take the blame for his pain? Maybe.

“Humans are social creatures”, they said. And he always continued questioning that. Why?

It was a beautiful evening in the midst of fall. The weather had that pleasant crisp in it complimented by the tender but bright rays of the sun. Those umber eyes never failed to perceive that orange tinge in the ether. They left the lingering tinge of warmth complimented by loneliness in the bosom. It was eccentric yet surreal how lonely he felt. Never before had he felt that sense of void surrounding him and clouding him from the rest of the world. Shutting him out. Shutting him away. Yes, there were people around him. It was hilarious because he was at a table in a cafe but he was accompanied by that void that made him feel utterly, helplessly uncomfortable. At some point he started to feel asphyxiated. The world around him was in complete motion. A cacophony of clattering utensils, the incessant chattering of voices of anything and everything useless. A blur of movements, sounds, a distant sign of thriving life while this small fire crumbled. A small spot becoming still smaller. He touched his coffee cup to feel the warmth trying to melt that feeling of void to nothingness. All in vain. He rubbed his face with both his hands while taking in ragged, shaky breaths, trying to make sense of anything, anything at all that would dispel that void.

He drew the cup closer to him as he tried to divert his mind by drinking in his surroundings. All that noise, that distant feeling of life felt like they were miles away and yet he was present precisely in its center. An infinitesimal, black spot amidst the technicolour canvas. That was when his eyes landed on something, rather someone, who unexplainably lit that canvas to life, who effortlessly seemed to help in blending the black spot with all that colour. He knew he was staring, you know, like a creep, but he didn’t care. It was uniquely stunning how this someone, who he remotely didn’t even know, had become that cup of warmth that had melted away the void. She had somehow become the fuel that kept this fire from crumbling. In truth, there was nothing interesting about watching her. The uninterrupted typing, small crease between the brows, unceasing shaking of the leg and the strong aura of concentration and determination emitting from the girl had captivated him. It held him firmly in his place and blossomed a beguiling flower of curiosity in him.

He stared for a few more moments, studying the smallest details about her posture, movements, appearance and every other thing about her that seemed enthralling. At that brown table in the corner of the cafe, sat a young girl, more or less his age who seemed to be bewitched by her oh-so charming laptop and had no care for the world around her. It looked like she was spending a free evening dressed in white crop top, a pair of baggy jeans and white converse typing away till kingdom come. To him, she seemed stressed and for no apparent reason he felt a small tug at his heart telling him to talk to her, get to know her. He kept gawking at her like she was the most fascinating effigy he had ever seen until his phone started to buzz. “Han” it read. He groaned slightly as he answered the call to hear a seriously furious boy shouting at the top of his lungs into the phone.

“Where the hell are you, Felix?” he asked.

“Umm… at the cafe?” the boy named Felix answered.

Han let out a frustrated groan as Felix mentally braced himself for what was coming next. “You always cancel out in the last minute, man. All we wanted to do was hang out. Just the six of us. But it looks like solitude at the cafe is way better isn’t it? Anyways I won’t bother you again. I know the breakup with Lily was hard, alright? But sitting alone and moping isn’t-“, Han said before being interrupted.

“I get it, Han, okay? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have cancelled in the last minute but I don’t know, I got… carried away. But I promise to make it up to you. I’m on my way now so I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” Felix said and hung up before Han could say anything. Hoping he would see the girl again someday, he left the cafe.

A couple of months before, everything had been perfect. The exact college life Felix had wished for. He had amazing grades, five best friends and a cute girlfriend. He had everything he had asked for and he felt content. Everything was in place until his girlfriend decided she deserved better. Felix had caught her red handed when she was getting her face eaten by some insignificant blonde guy from outside college at a frat party. He had been furious at first at the fact that she had willingly decided to cheat on him. He thought he felt hurt until all the pain faded away and all that was left was that new feeling of emptiness. At some point he had realised that he hadn’t loved Lily the way he should have. Maybe that was why she had left him but what hurt him was not the fact that she had cheated on him. After the breakup he felt like one big piece of his life had been taken and thrown away and now all he felt was that thick rope tied around him, keeping him distanced from everyone that mattered to him. So he did what he felt like was the most appropriate way of dealing with it. He shut everyone out and decided that all that mattered was academics. He worked hard and kept his grades in check but his social life had taken a serious downfall and only when it was too late did he realise what he was missing out on. But now, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find that piece, he couldn’t fit it back in place. He couldn’t go back to the way things had been before. He felt lonely.

It was the next day Felix had returned to the cafe hoping he would see the girl who had helped him forget his woes and re-illuminated his life with the mere light of fascination and curiosity. Upon entering the cafe, he made a beeline to the exact same table yearning to see the girl seated at the same table in the corner of the cafe. His heart was engulfed with an immense wave of despondency as he saw that the chair at the table was undeniably untenanted. Immediately, his thoughts seemed to become a mock-tail of negative and positive notions. “Just because she came here one day doesn’t mean she’ll come here everyday,” or “Maybe she’s just late.” Propitiously, the latter fact was proven right as the same girl entered the cafe and scurried over to her table in a frantic and tired manner before opening her bag and taking out all the necessary contents. The barista walked over to her with a scintillating smile and spoke to her. The girl returned a smile that seemed half-hearted. Almost upsettingly vacant. Felix started to gape at the girl again, mindlessly, as his wide eyes brimmed with curiosity. The girl glanced at the table to his far left, where a couple was situated. They were sharing what looked like the most memorable moments of their life, giggling, talking in hushed voices and sharing loving glances at each other. The thoughts of him and Lilly had been rejuvenated which made him sick to the stomach and brought the taste of that insignificant but deep void back to his tongue. He internally shuddered as he turned back to look at the girl. Her face was precisely painted with pain and distaste, exactly mirroring his thoughts. He felt the tug again but this time he felt the need to console her, to tell her that no matter what she had been through, there would be brighter days in the future. Some fact he did not believe himself.

Felix drank his coffee and pretended to be utterly enraptured by the book in his hand of which he did not even know the plot of. He mindlessly flipped through the pages as he stole a few glances at the girl. She had resumed typing furiously on the laptop with the same expression as the previous day. “She might be writing a book. I wonder what that might be about,” he thought. That was when she smiled that smile. That contented, joyous and satisfied smile that had reached her pink luscious lips because of something insignificant on that screen. This smile was unlike the smile she had worn when she had looked at the barista. This smile was complete. It was just a smile at first which slowly led to her grinning like a cheshire cat. His heart fluttered at the sight. He didn’t understand why watching some stranger grin like an idiot made him so jittery and happy but it was like a five year old child had just received a toffee. He quickly sipped from his coffee cup and looked down to the book because he realised that he had also begun grinning like an idiot.

He hadn’t realised how time had flied within a blink of an eye before he realised that he had to leave. He decided to come here to study regularly and find some comfort, hoping to see the stranger and maybe, just maybe he could get to know her. He took one last glance at her after paying for his coffee, before walking out of the cafe. He was headed to meet Han once again, but his mind had been lost in his memories which replayed the blooming smile of the girl frequently. “I might have a crush on her smile,” he thought as he grinned to himself.