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nikkasqueaka · 1 month

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I think he loves me, he just scares me sometimes. I think he loves mama, he just gets violent sometimes. Mama says he loves us, and I believe mama. I'm trying to be quieter, ask for less, sneak past the garage door instead of walk. I'm stepping up to talk them through their "disagreements" mama says they aren't fights, I think that's what a good big sibling does, sometimes it helps.

Love, 9 years old

Take me away. Take away these horrors I see in the night, forcing me from sleep, that make me shake and shiver and cry in fear. Take away this anger that I feel, roiling and hissing inside me, the anger that burns my family and pushes them away. Take away this loneliness, that eats at my chest and keeps my stomach empty. Take me away from this pain, I don't want to die, but I don't think I'd be mad if did.

Sincerely, 11 years old

Why am I always the fixer? This is your job. Why did you lead these people to me? I have been the fixer since childhood, Why do you keep giving me more? I don't want to stay up at night sobbing over my phone screen, I don't want to attempt to talk them down from desperate bids for my attention. I can't receive "I love you" without that spike of panic anymore. Why would you do that to me?

Faithfully, 13 years old

He's still here, why is he still here, hanging over us like a malevolent shadow. I don't know why you chose this for me, but I'm afraid I'll never escape him. You chained him to my existence, I think that's what you did, you were supposed to give me a protector, this is not protection.

Regards, 15 years old

I'm terrified of my mortality, I know I'm so young but sometimes I feel so old. I'm scared of being insignificant, but I'm afraid of being admired, I crave attention and shy away from the spotlight. Everything scares me these days, you made a world I fear at every turn. I used to love life, thrive in solitude, adore the stage, search for adventure at every turn, I'm not free anymore, your world made me frightened to live.

Yours, 17 years old

- Letters To God, by Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #trauma #poems and quotes #child abuse #poemsbyme

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nikkasqueaka · 2 months

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Mothers and fathers are our God in a very different way.

We are born of our mother of blood, and flesh, and love, she brings us into existence at her own expense and she holds us and whispers sweet nothings in our ear and shows us that life is beautiful and it must be treasured, but she cannot shield us from the world forever, reality will seep into her arms and she will have to let us out to be bloodied, and bruised, and triumphant, and loved by the outside, far too soon for either of us. We will beg her to keep us save and pray at her bedside alter but her love cannot save us, we must learn to save ourselves.

Fathers will watch us grow from afar, we will talk to him and pray to him but our father does not answer back. He will give us tests and he will make us hurt because "That's how you learn, you cannot hide in your mother forever". he is absent, but never truly gone, his judgment, his anger is holy, he is not our protector, but he is still our God.

They create us and we beg them for salvation and they will be unable to give it. That is the role of a God, to lay our path, and give us our body and mind, tell us to call and message "I am always watching" but they can never save you.

-God by Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #poems and quotes #religous themes #religion #parents

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nikkasqueaka · 3 months

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"You have no idea how much thought I have given this and how little I know"

- Aimée LaVallée

#poems and quotes #quotes #parenting

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nikkasqueaka · 3 months

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"You have no idea how much thought I have given this and how little I know"

- Aimée LaVallée

#poems and quotes #quotes #parenting

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nikkasqueaka · 3 months

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"Sometimes I think I'm trying to break myself as much as possible and as fast as possible until I'm utterly unbreakable. And other times I worry that I achieved it. Sometimes it worries me how easily I can get over something no matter what."

- Aimée LaVallée

#poems and quotes #quotes #trauma #healing

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nikkasqueaka · 3 months

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It's okay to live.

I will repeat to myself

Until I can laugh and not feel the pang of guilt that you aren't laughing with me.

Until I can eat all the food I want and not think about how much you're eating.

Until I can lay around and not care so deeply if you are getting a break too.

I will repeat to myself until I feel that I can be happy while you struggle and know it isn't my responsibility.

- Live by Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #trauma #childhood trauma #therapist friend

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nikkasqueaka · 3 months

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I can feel your desperation seep through the pages, like the ink that transcribes your screams for help.

I weep for you, as I sit on my sofa and read your pain at my leisure.

I know I can put your suffering down, I can close the pages of your trauma, and I would never have to think about you again.

But my heart aches for yours, and I can feel the strain of your pain in my body, I know that pain, on a level more intimate than I would ever wish on another.

My feelings are echoed in your binding, I can't close my own aches out, so I will let yours in to mingle and soothe them.

Thank you for letting your wounds bleed so that I may use your blood as a balm, and I am so eternally sorry that you're bleeding in the first place.

- Poets by Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #trauma

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nikkasqueaka · 5 months

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Will you always simply sit and watch me weep?

Does my suffering not stir empathy in your heart?

Do you not wish to pick me up and keep me safe from the world?

How can you let me face it alone?

I would never let you face it alone.

-Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #trauma

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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A smile is an accessory a girl must always wear, no matter how uncomfortable and fake.

-Nikola M. La Vallée

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #sad poem #amateur poetry #girlhood

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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Our souls are tied together not by fate but by decision.

The world did not force us together.

I saw your soul and you saw mine and we decided we where meant to be.

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #amateur poetry #love poem #soulmates #platonic

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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Pain never stops

Only shifts

Pretends to fade and comes back sharper

Moves from your head, to your heart, to your body

Never ending and ever changing

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #sad poem #teenage poetry #amateur poetry #poem #chronic illness

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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Tears were falling down my face as I danced again today. God I missed dancing, I miss dancing like I miss breathing, it's tied to my soul. I would dance until my body gave out then I would collapse into the earth and dream of Dancing again. I cannot live without dance. It's what my body was born to do. I love my body and I am so angry at my them for taking dance away from me. I lost a lover when I stopped, and dancing today I was joined with her again.

-Dancer by Nikola M. La Vallée

(I have been a dancer all my life and in the last year I've developed some health issues that make is painful/difficult to dance, I was genuinely heartbroken when I tried to do a routine and couldn't finish.)

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetry #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #dance #dancer

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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I hate when home gets silent like this.

Tension fills the house like a thick fog.

I feel sort of detached.

My little sister was always the vengeance of the family, biting, and clawing, and screaming, and crying.

She would let hot tears run down her face as she tore into the threat with a vigor she never possessed defending herself.

She's probably bubbling with fury inside.

She's sitting on the couch silently with me.

My older sister was the bodyguard, she would argue with a composed ice in her voice, she would stand with her strong arms crossed and her steadiness sheilded us.

She doesn't live at home anymore.

I texted her though.

My mama was the one who was hurt more often than not, she's not physically strong and she has a gentle heart. She always protects us, sometimes by not telling us there was anything to be protected from.

She's in the room with him alone right now. There's no noise leaving the room.

I should feel rightously angry, or heartbroken, I should cry or yell or break something. But I really just want to sleep, or maybe eat something? Should I cook? I probably shouldn't, that wouldn't be right.

Am I gonna cry later? It's hard to see the future through this fog.

Is this my life? My body?

I have my memories and I can feel my bulky ring dig into my finger, it must be.

I want to step outside, but it's cold outside.

I don't have the energy to put on a coat.

I think I'm shaking.

...

I'm sitting outside now.

it smells cold.

I'm definitely shaking.

I brought a coat, but I didn't button it.

My feet hurt from the chill.

I didn't think to put on shoes.

I'm waiting for my older sister arrive.

It could be a while.

It's probably still silent in the house.

I can hear the cars on the road, so it's better out here, even if my feet are burning and my limbs feel stiff.

#poems and poetry #writers and poets #poetblr #sad poem #teenage poetry #trauma #poem #poetry #amateur poetry #abuse survivor #cptsd recovery #its just my thoughts

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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I dress myself so I can look into a mirror and point "Look that's me" it's a lie, that's not me. But it's what I wish I was, so I will play pretend until everybody sees my costume, goes "oh it's you" and forgets what I looked like before.

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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Humanity is taking your heart out of your chest and showing it to someone, seeing them take theirs out too and going,

"Look! We're the same! Look at our grief and love! We bleed the same"

We share in our joy and our sadness

We watch the same moon come up and sun go down

We are all suffering profoundly on the same soil

And we are all searching desperately for another soul that understands.

#poems and poetry #poetry #writers and poets #poetblr #teenage poetry #poem #amateur poetry

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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I am not a woman because I want to be a woman.

I am not a woman because I feel like a woman.

I am not a woman because I was born a woman.

I am a woman because the world looked at my hips and breasts and chose to equate me to a thing.

I am a woman because the world heard my voice and chose to ignore it.

I am a woman because the world saw me and chose to crush me.

I am a woman because my mother is a woman and I look my mother.

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nikkasqueaka · 6 months

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I was brimming with rage for so long

She permeated my soul, she was rightous and pure.

And at some point she started to scared me.

So I packed her away into a little box in my heart, in a cobweb covered corner.

And I forgot how to get her back out.

I want to feel fiery wrath, I want to burn those who wound me and scream into the abyss of pain.

But I can't find my anger anymore, I hear her voice and I can't follow it.

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