skipping the choice is also making a choice but I’m too afraid to open my body under the blinding light of an operating room for other people to look inside of me — what will they find? I cannot stand the sight of my own innards so why would anyone want to look? blood and cells populate every inch of my body I am incredibly full and yet it feels like there’s a void inhabiting next to my open heart take a peek and tell me what you see so I can get to know myself

written for Escapril day 28 — surgery

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I jump over and under trying to get a feel for the line that divides too little from too much but the limits are fuzzy I can never get a solid interpretation of the messages my body is sending me pushing through is so common that I don’t think about it being overexerting myself I come home rained on staggering and my brain says ‘this is just one of those days’ like the only thing I know how to do is endure so it surprises me when the tears fall

if my heart broke I would feel the explosion inside my chest right?

written for Escapril day 27 — the absolute limit

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this is my modern era where I have nightmares about meeting my friends’ friends but then they end up cancelling last minute so I see how pointless stress is I miss last-minute plans because I want to see you so be there in not enough time to get ready but it’s okay we love each other instead I get too much screen time and loneliness not enough hugs sometimes talking for a regular time will make my throat croak so it feels like maybe there’s too much silence in my life

written for Escapril day 26 — modernity

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living between the black and white does not mean there is space for grey I go from sky-high expectations to the stone-cold reality of my limitations it is a quick jump that breaks through my dark little secret: I am not who you want me to be and I will never be so that makes me both less great and less bad but people call that being bland and tasteless I call that being grounded in the tranquillity of who I truly am – no walls within myself

written for Escapril day 25 — dark secret

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the air buzzes and the speakers announce ‘leave the relay race this is no place for you’ I squint and wipe the sweat before it drips down my forehead and even if they did not say my name I know the message was only directed at me whose legs were beginning to cramp just from the waiting and maybe being singled out and excluded can be good I don’t have to run anymore or pass the baton to strange and unknown hands so I walk away and sit under the shade of a tree breathing letting the persistent dew greet me soaking in the vibrant green of nature’s rhythm

I can rest and I have time and my value is not based on my productivity so why did I choose to take part in the relay race anyway? I don’t even like to run

all I wanted was to connect with other like-minded people but I forget that won’t work if we don’t have something in common but the invisible barrier surrounding their cliques sucks me in and gelatinises me in a small translucent cube so I’m paralysed and ready for consumption now that I’ve been regurgitated I know tunnel vision happens inside the stomach of the beast and it’s a good thing to not be digestible and to let them hear me scream so they feel the vibrations inside their throat as I climb out of the cage

written for Escapril day 24 — unexpected transmission

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I feel the floor in hopes of finding the button that will turn off this pathetic game of pretend where he uses the same seductive voice he used with everybody else I want to get out I want the lights to turn on and the exit door to be unlocked but somehow nobody sees how his eyes are dead when he stares at me he laughs and I laugh so they think this is flirting but I’m only mimicking until I see an opportunity to run when you’ve spent too much time inside the simulation you start to believe that’s everything there is to experiment except the real thing hits you like waking up from a dream once you stop pretending the burden falls and the intensity coils around the space between your nerve endings the trial version cannot offer you the complete package and some people are not made for upgrades

written for Escapril day 23 — simulation

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Hi, I don't have anyone to talk to about the things that really happen in my life... Sometimes I feel very sad, and I want to believe that I have a friend, but I feel like she's avoiding me or something because lately when I've talked to her, she ignores me. I've noticed this since I told her that I changed my major and started studying the same thing as her. She's much further ahead than me, and there are things I don't understand, so I turn to her for help, but sometimes I feel like she's short with me and not really clear with her answers. It's like she's bothered when I ask for help, and I don't know why. She's the only friend I have, we've known each other for 5 years, but it seems like everything changed since then. I just feel like I can't count on her, and that makes me feel bad 😞

Hi. From what you've told me, I'd encourage you to try to ask her directly. I know it can be very difficult and painful, but if you're friends (especially for 5 years), I think it's worth it to bring it up with her. Maybe you can try asking if she's having other things in her life that prevent her from talking to you like before. My experience is that if you talk from your feelings, expressing that you miss her and value her, she'll probably open up too.

That being said, I've had enough fall-outs with friends to know this difficult conversations sometimes don't lead to the desired outcomes. Since you're in university, you could try talking to other/more people in your classes, or join a club or activities outside of class. Expanding your circle can bring you comfort from feeling that you connect with other people. And maybe you could try getting help with your studies from other people, too. (But since your main concern seemed to be what's going on with your friend, I'll leave it at that.)

If you want to talk more, feel free to dm me (I closed my dms in the past because of b/o/ts and s/p/a/m, but I re-opened them now).

I hope things can improve with your friend <3 and good luck with your major!

PS. Do take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm talking from my experience and based on the info that you wrote. Ultimately, follow your intuition and heart. I'm sending you a hug!

escapril day 22: desire

awake at 2am in the dark, wish you were here. desire won’t leave me alone. so instead i close my eyes. instead the memories will burn a hole in my chest. i get high on oxytocin from the last night you touched me, on repeat every time the lights go out. and desire won’t leave me alone. won’t let me be happy. won’t let me let go.

if i can’t have love, i want to be the favorite daydream for all my exes. a cruel, guilty, dazzling what-if. i want to spark desire so strong it bends time and space for a dizzying moment before they snap back into place. i hope they wake up at 2am missing me. i hope the memory of the flush they put in my cheeks never fades. i hope the marks i left never melt away. i hope they never get clean. i hope i haunt them the way they haunt me.

long past my teenage years I find myself blushing under the gaze of a stranger I won’t see again and I giggle as I tell the anecdote to a friend like oh finding someone who pulls on my curiosity after so long feels like a small miracle meeting someone by chance and connecting with a few words and glances and the feeling of being understood without having to explain myself makes me feel the energy shifting around me whispering you don’t have to do anything but you could it's the possibility that plays with the feeling you cannot deny when it’s so clear there is no room for insecurity or confusion because you both know it’s there invisible but palpable the gravity between two people naturally drawn to each other for more than simple looks or status I know that if we had our eyes closed we would find each other it's inevitable how life works

written for Escapril day 22 — desire

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Hola!! perdona mi ignorancia ¿Qué es eso de she/her? O por qué lo ponen en los perfiles de Tumblr, no lo entiendo o a qué se refiere

Hola, yo no soy ninguna experta, pero son los pronombres que cada persona se siente cómoda usando. Por ejemplo, en mi caso prefiero que me digan "she" or "her" cuando se refieren a mí, en español sería "ella". Si buscas algo como pronombres e identidad de género online, podrás saber más sobre el tema :)

I used to believe nightmares were the worst thing you could see in the vulnerable state of unconsciousness until I woke up crying at dawn and couldn’t stop the tears because I had felt a love so real in my dream that it physically hurt to not have it anymore the problem of death is it creates a ripple effect where nothing and no one stays as they were suddenly I have the ability to see the boundless kindness abuelo offered to everyone around him and I remember all the times he held my hand in silence when I could tell we wouldn’t be able to do that forever but his smile always managed to soothe me the problem of death is it actually didn’t harden me at all instead it brought back the little girl in me that cried easily but now he won’t be next to me proving that words aren’t necessary when you can feel a love so big surrounding your soul in the warmest of hugs

written for Escapril day 21 — the problem of death A/N: gracias por tanto, abuelo. d.e.p.

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I am not yours to exhibit or to keep under a glass don’t you dare pierce me I warned you: I’ll put up a fight

I will hide in the places you don’t even consider and I will appear when you least expect it to buzz into your ear all the words you refuse to hear and I know you will jump in confusion but by then I’ll already be resting on a tree invisible to your cold eyes I guess you're not scared so your radars can't detect me and you won’t trick me with brilliant lights — I heard about Icarus (the complete story) so I know how to survive

written for Escapril day 20 — moth

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a reminder: you can be soft it is safe for you to keep being you in all the glory and shine that your smile carries when you get so excited that everyone knows something is going on and that is you living life to the fullest that your body will allow and it will be way more than enough to reach all the dreams you hold inside your heart just remember you have plenty of time so make sure to use some of it to rest your mind

written for Escapril day 19 — a reminder:

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the way your hands move makes me want to understand this language that shouldn’t be secret but seems to belong only to a selected few so I take classes record myself and practice in the mirror but still the way my fingers bend is too stiff or too flexible and the rhythm seems slow and expressionless there’s so much up for interpretation and I wonder will my words reach you when I get tangled in the superfluous? and yet a new world opens in front of my eyes when I see emotions expressed not through words but through signs quickly dissolving in the air permeating my brain in some unconscious and intuitive way that leaves me hesitant and skittish because we experience the world and then construct it through sentences full of prepositions and order and fillers that detail how exactly life makes sense my senses come alive and my understanding shifts and moulds to accommodate a bigger perspective that doesn’t belong to just me any more and I silently mouth thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for this opportunity and for existing under the same sky

written for Escapril day 18 — suspended in air A/N: my first poem about sign language <3

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some days feelings are so big they don’t fit into words I’m left speechless fumbling to describe his gaze or smile or the way he made me feel but nothing makes it justice so I guess tomorrow I will try again today I shall listen to the silence and feel its depth

written for Escapril day 17 — truth

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it’s in the details I leave out when I tell my friends I’m writing again but I do not say exactly what because would they understand or would they judge

it's in how I place my phone upwards on the table when I’m with someone new because they may make assumptions if they see the phone case I love so much

it's in the way I have started avoiding saying my age when I’m not sure how old everyone in the room is

it’s in my silence when I hope they don’t ask me about my job or living situation when they start bragging or complaining — same thing— about their own lives

it's in the fact I don’t have grand updates where I talk about some mysterious and sexy stranger I just met but rather have daily happenings like the last book I read

it's in the accent that will not improve and always be a signpost of where I was born

or it’s in the way I talk when I remember the snickers and become self-conscious of my nature

it’s in the edges of every comparison and in the heat I feel burning under my skin and in the lies I’ve been made to believe and the criticism I’ve had stabbing on my back from people who wanted me to not be who I already was

it is the poison I use to fuel my own punishment before I catch myself and look at the liquid pouring from my heart a mix of shame and blood all pain a habit taught so much time ago that it’s hard to break

written for Escapril day 16 — so embarrassing...

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