a life that went from mostly winter to somewhat regular but still erratic seasons.

my journey is an inner one, an invisible one, a nonlinear experience that i can observe and express from infinite aspects of which make it paralyzingly hard sometimes to choose which one to pick to identify with and bring to life…

do i make actual sense to anyone ever? do i make sense to myself ever? when i review my expressions sometimes my stomach sinks and i think fuck im actually insane and deluded as hell . maybe i am because who…am….i?????

who i truly am does not and will never make sense. it is senseless :)

gotta laugh at the one who needs everything to make sense

who is that one?

can i find the sense-maker?

where is she?

the only thing that can make sense is what is already here beyond sensing-senses

can't be the sense-maker to make sense of it the sense-maker is blind, deaf, and dumb she seeks sense but only ever finds nonsense

Relapses Being a human.. i relapsed..after almost 5 years of continuous sobriety. why? in a nutshell i stopped being honest with myself and disconnected from my true self due to being triggered by my living environment into a trauma survival response state. i know that i need to live in an environment that is healthy and safe for me in order to thrive and that has been a lot harder than one would imagine it should be..My foundations of shelter and finances (basic needs) have been incredibly unstable and inconsistent due to my inconsistent functionality "in the real world". I have realized this past year that I am most likely autistic and that has been a lot to process and connect the dots with as well. i am coming to see more and more how my neurodivergence has been at the root of a lot of the challenges and difficulties I have had to navigate in this lifetime. being neurodivergent in a family structure that was broken, chaotic, and unsupportive had huge impacts on my nervous system which is what lead to the self medicating through substances in the first place. it gave me the only sense of freedom and safety i could find in the world around me-of course that was a false freedom in the end but following it to my death ultimately was my rebirth into a new life i could never have dreamed of. one where i felt good in my own skin and was capable of handling any situation that came my way with grace and intelligence, compassion and wisdom. one where i could look myself in the eye in the mirror and not feel estranged or disgusted by the reflection looking back at me. i relapsed because i failed to create safety and support for myself-i abandoned myself in my fear to run away from it and overcompensate externally rather than come up with a clear solution internally. Trauma trigger sent me chicken head cut off for months and months engaging in an unsustainable lifestyle to escape the unbearable pressure i felt and then eventually the stress became so great i literally had to drink alcohol-my nervous system was so hair trigger panicked all the time from being in constant survival mode. i created a monster out of something that could have gone much differently had i set myself up for success better from the beginning (preventative measures). i learned a lot from my relapse and i can see in retrospect how i contributed to the relapse and what i could have done differently. i used to fear loosing my sobriety date so i am kind of glad i lost it now because i realized that it doesn't actually matter-i don't actually loose anything at all in reality. all the effort and experiences i have had over the years still hold weight and nothing about me changed or became less worthy or good. I realized that all i ever really have, need, or want is the peace and fullness that this moment as my full being provides. all i have is my freewill in this moment to choose love and receive peace or to choose insanity and rejection of the Self. always one or the other, every moment, now. choosing love, choosing fear, choosing suffering, choosing freedom. the symbols of form matter not, the behaviors you express matter not- it is not about the what-it is about the how-the frequency and vibration of your being that is the juice. everything follows from that and is created thus.

Trauma didn't make me nice, I consciously made me nice because I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did. Trauma didn't make me strong, I made me strong. Don't you dare ever tell me my trauma made me anything but scared, broken, and confused. Don't give credit to the abusers for me being a good person. They didn't make me good, I made myself good.

A life worth living is a life lived in Creator Mode

Moving, moving, moving-

centered and grounded in stillness and present moment attentiveness 

Breathing, moving, dancing, singing, vibration

This creates resiliency, creativity, aliveness, freshness, vitality, space to feel and remain open to life and vulnerable to present moment experience in the body. 

Living connected to Source-From Source-Through Source

That Wholeness-That Foundation is so Unshakeable

Trance-movement-sound helps me purrrrrr

Into focus

Deeper vaster into the source foundation that holds me beyond the fluctuations of the feeling body mind 

Vibrations-movement (oh, the sweet paradox)are what lull me completely into the deep stillness of Being. Delighted.

Sleeping Beauty :)

Lost and Found

All Time

GOD IS EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!(NO EXCEPTIONS)

April 23, 1929 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931  [volume 4]

Card of the Day-Beyond Lemuria: Reclaim Your Energy

themes: integrating fragmented aspects of self that were lost in unconscious living own your power- your energy=your choice

embrace an energy aware lifestyle

overcoming triggers through awareness and directed choice

A beautiful reminder of our spiritual and energetic sovereignty. I am responsible, I am in choice. I am empowered through claiming personal responsibility for my energy.

"Prioritize your mental health over anyone's comprehension. Your peace and happiness matter most, regardless of others' understanding."💜

"The mountains are whole and beautiful for one principal reason: they have been broken so often… It is the very breaking and jointing, the cracking and carving and breakdown, the weathering and scouring, that all together give rise to the countless forms of beauty — iridescent, miraculous, gift-giving, exultant — throughout the whole of the range." Steven Nightingale

From the book Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD:

Putting a coat on the back of a chair by the door is fine, but if you prefer, use coat hooks and a large catch-all basket for dropping keys, hats, gloves.

Small bookcase end-table next to the couch to store craft projects, books, and other things being worked on for easy access.

Add a storage unit near the dining room table to transition between eating and working there.

Daily toiletry items should be stored in a basket that you can move easily

Extra toiletries and medicine cabinet items go in open shelf/basket storage so they can be seen and used easily. If items no longer fit, purge the excess. Don't obscure the view!

If you disrobe in the bathroom, place a tall hamper in there.

Keep a set of cleaning supplies in each bathroom

Edit: I also have this post on budgeting with ADHD + feel free to check my tags, coz I am trying to remember to tag as needed for this stuff. :)

embrace the lazy, enjoy the blob!

“I just don’t want that for myself anymore” is a valid reason to stop anything.