Lyric video to accompany blog 6

6. 23/02/2021

Next month marks a year since I was thrown into the world of online learning, something I never thought I’d have to face when I started college last January. I’ve come to realise it can be hard to focus on the work with so many distractions that I wouldn’t have in the classroom and I know many people feel the same whether it be with online learning or just working from home.

I’m so used to working at the weekend but having my work closed for most of the last year due to restrictions, I found myself at a loss during the weekend. I was losing motivation for everything from gaming to college, housework to socialising. The first lockdown was bad enough but this lockdown seems to have hit harder than the first and I knew I had to find a way to keep myself going.

I started going on Twitch to watch some DJ’s stream from their own home at the weekend, I guess it’s their way of still being able to do what they love and give people a safe way to socialise. Personally, it gave me a sense of normality again. I could focus on college through the week and dance the night away at the weekend and while dancing in my room is a long way from the sticky floors of a nightclub or the packed events I’m used to serving customers in, it sure felt good to have that connection again! Whether it be the DJ playing a song I love or the conversations with random people in the chat, weekends were fun again!

Although I had that sense of normality at the weekend, it was still a bit of an uphill battle trying to navigate the other things in life but I stumbled across an English DJ a few weeks ago and heard a song for the first time that ultimately helped me get back on track with everything I needed to. That song funnily enough is called Motivation Song by Onlap. I’ve started listening to it over the past week or so whenever I’m feeling a little demotivated as it is an upbeat song that gives me a nice little boost and makes me feel like no matter what I’ve got to do, I can keep going and get it done. I’ll be posting a lyric video after this to check out if you wish and even if the song is not your kind of music, the lyrics are still worth checking out if you need a little motivation boost.

Whether you check it out or decide not to, remember to keep going! Don’t give up because all the hard work you’re putting in is important these days. Stay motivated to do your best, I know it’s hard but you’ve got this!

Music video to accompany blog 5

5. 18/02/2021

I briefly mentioned in blog 2 that my Dad died from cancer when I was young and the reason I only briefly mentioned it is because I knew I already had this post in my mind.

My first memories are from a very young age, between 3 and 4, and they are memories that I always hold close to my heart. We were living in Bristol, England and with my Dad’s job, he was able to stay home looking after me almost every day while my Mum was at work and my brother and sister were at school. It was just the two of us most of the day, me and my best friend! Spending time with him, I honestly felt like I could take on the world and if I was ever to fall, he would be there to catch me. I remember him doing magic tricks with our hamsters (the only time I was really upset with him because I truly believed he had made them disappear), the smell of his coffee first thing in the morning, how he patched me up when I scraped my chin on the window ledge because I was being silly and stood on a trike to see in his office when I thought he had left me and my friend home alone and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on his face when he caught me covered in my sisters makeup (but we’ll leave that embarrassing story at that). Though the one memory I love is how we would sit on the sofa, eating lunch and watching Supermarket Sweep. I was so young and full of optimism that I would look up at him every time we watched it and ask, “we’ll go on that when I’m old enough won’t we Dad?” Not wanting to break my heart, he would always look at me with a loving smile and reply “of course we will” and I was the happiest little girl in the world during that moment!

Sadly those memory making moments were taken away when he died on 31st August 1994. I remember understanding the words that I heard and knowing in that moment my best friend wasn’t coming back and we would never get that trip to Supermarket Sweep. Grief is a hard pain for anyone with a heart but here I was at 4 and a half years old, completely heartbroken yet somehow still feeling safe. I had heard all about heaven, maybe that’s why I didn’t feel so alone or maybe it was just childhood innocence. Whatever it was, it faded as I got older and I still to this day have occasional moments of complete heartbreak when I think about how our time was cut short. That’s the thing about grief... they say it gets easier, I reckon it just gets easier to handle but it never really leaves you.

I’ve had my fair share of doubt, wondering if he would be proud of who that little girl turned out to be. I’m not naïve enough to believe he would be proud of all my choices in life because I’m still human at the end of the day and we all make mistakes but as a whole, would he be?

The song I turn to when I feel like this is Windows In Heaven by We Are The In Crowd. I remember when they released it, I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it for a week because the singer had already explained it was a song about her own father. When I did eventually pluck up the courage, I couldn’t believe my ears as this voice sang the fears and feelings I had been feeling since I was a child! “Are there windows in heaven to see me now, through all the sky and clouds, living my life with a heart full of pride when I see your face” is one of my favourite lyrics from the song because my heart bursts with pride whenever I see pictures of him or talk about him. He wasn’t just my Dad, he was a well respected man up and down the UK and even had the upmost respect from people he had met over the world. If I can be half the person he was, I’d be over the moon! But the question always remains, would he be proud of who I am?

I often have conversations with my Mum about general life, especially with all this pandemic stuff and she regularly tells me she’s incredibly proud of how I have handled whatever has been thrown my way whether it’s multiple lockdowns and online learning at 31 or everything I faced after cancelling my wedding but she has started looking at me with sad yet loving eyes as she says “he would be proud of you too” and that slowly quietens the fears in my head for a little while. I hope he would be if he was still with us but the least I can do is try, for my first best friend.

4. 16/02/2021

This post may well be the hardest one I have had to write so far but it revolves around a story most of us know all too well – heartbreak! It’s also a story that requires more than just one song or one lyric, so I won’t be posting music videos to accompany this blog the way I have with the others but they’re all on YouTube if you feel like checking them out.

The story starts like any other… boy meets girl, they fall in love and start to plan a future. But what happens when things don’t go to plan?

Well for a start I was angry, I felt ashamed and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t find a song that helped me process the intense emotions I felt but I’ll try my best to tell the story in a way that makes sense.

Like all relationships, there were highs and lows but we fought through it all and after a year of dating, we got engaged on 3rd November 2017. I couldn’t wait to start planning so after Christmas and New Year, that’s exactly what I done! He wasn’t the organising type so I was more than happy to take on the major tasks and although I liked to double check with him (because as much as I dreamed of my big day, it was his day too), I was usually greeted with “whatever makes you happy babe” so the date was picked, venue was booked and things were slowly falling into place.

Fast forward to April 2019, we’re due to get married in mid-June, I’ve just bought my dress and the invitations are finally out. Things are coming together! Then a message from my brother ripped it all apart and my eyes were opened for the first time. Without going into too much detail, the person I loved had put my brother at risk. Now I can take all the arguments but the second someone puts my family in danger, I am done and there is no way to fix it! So, I gathered what strength I could and told him it was over for good this time. Some of you may think this is a harsh action to take and maybe it would have been if that were all it was, but this revelation revealed so much more.

For the first time in our nearly three years together, I could finally see that this was an unhealthy relationship. I could see his mistrust, his lies, the financial strain he had put on me. I could see the mental scars I had from every horrible word he said in an attempt to break me and for the first time, I could feel the pain in my head that had been numbed by heart as my head was screaming at me for two years to walk away but more than all of that, I felt my heart shatter for the love I thought I had.

The first lyric I felt I could somewhat relate to was from a band called Three Days Grace – “I hate everything about you, why do I love you?” I was so angry that I really did hate him for everything he had put me through but I stupidly still loved him in a way and I couldn’t understand why.

After the anger came the hurt and the second lyric from the talented Pink – “what about all the plans that ended in disaster?” I was suddenly faced with the crippling reality that I had to cancel everything I had booked but the worst part was having to face my loved ones and tell them to forget the invitations I so happily gave them just a few weeks earlier. Although I was the one who called it a day, I was still the one who felt like a failure. Alone, ashamed and so incredibly stupid.

I was too hurt to realise it straight away but one day I could see all of these feelings had sent me into a very dark place. I was scared of the future. It’s actually sort of funny that I’m writing this now as my brother had suggested I start a blog to help others after I struggled to find any help on what to do when you have to call off your wedding. My family could do nothing but sit by my side, waiting for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was a long and painful wait for them and for myself, but that day eventually came around between June and July which brings me to my third lyric. This one comes from Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance – “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone” and as someone who was never a My Chemical Romance fan, this lyric took me by surprise when I could relate to it. I was no longer afraid of the things I had feared and let me tell you, that was a glorious day!

I learned a lot from this failed relationship so as much as I hate that I had to go through everything I did, I’m beyond proud of the person who turned it all around to take back control of her life. I met new friends and reconnected with old ones, I started a better job, I travelled and I finally decided to go to college. All things I could not or would not do if I was still in that relationship.

So, I leave you with one final song, Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down. For so long I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it as it should have been our first dance. Now, this song brings me happiness as a reminder of how love should be and how far I have come since that broken heart. Not to mention it’s an incredibly beautiful song so it would be a shame to let one silly boy ruin it for me, right?

Stay safe, stay strong and stay kind! I’ll be back on Thursday with the next instalment of my weird life =)

Music video to accompany blog 3!

3. 11/02/2021

I’m sure it’s safe to say these past 11-12 months have been more than a little challenging for everyone with the Coronavirus pandemic. Between lockdowns and restrictions meaning most of us haven’t been able to see our friends and family as much as we’d like, it has left a lot of people struggling mentally, myself included at times.

One song I like to listen to on my rough days is We’ve Got This by A Day To Remember. This song never fails to bring a smile to my face with it’s catchy riffs but the lyrics speak volumes, especially during these often lonely times. “To anyone who’s alone in a crowded room, put your hands up high, sing it out of tune. It’s these late night hours we spend that help me up from down, we got this.” I feel like these lyrics are mainly aimed at the fans at a gig and the band saying that seeing those fans each night helps pick them up when they’re feeling down so they want to do the same for the fans which I personally find to be a heartwarming gesture but these lyrics work so well outside of gigs as well.

I’ve had more than my fair share of bad mental health over the years and thankfully, I’ve managed to keep myself above water for most of this past year but I still remember that feeling of isolation, it’s a feeling that is hard to forget once you’ve truly felt it. The one thing that helps me feel a little better is singing (very badly might I add and as the song says, out of tune) along with some of my favourite songs, even if it only helps for a few minutes. Singing along to this particular song is a reminder to me that even though it probably doesn’t seem like it in that moment, better days are on their way.

I know all too well that things are rough right now but hang in there everyone! Stay strong, stay safe and remember things do get better. One day all this pandemic stuff will be a distant, horrible memory but until then, reach out to a friend if you’re having a bad day or think they are having a hard time dealing with the situation, do something that never fails to make you happy and remember my inbox is always open. We got this!

Music video to accompany blog 2. Features a number of cancer survivors, including the amazing Sharon Osborne!

Music video to accompany blog 1

2. 08/02/2021

I have two older siblings, my sister who is 12 years older than me then my brother who is 5 years older than me. My sister and I were super close when I was younger, maybe helped by the fact she moved out and had her own family when I was 7, but my relationship with my brother was always a crazy one. We would fight like cat and dog, typical brother and sister fights that only got worse when I hit my teenage years but he was still my brother so it was a definite love/hate deal for both of us.

However, on 1st December 2009, that all changed forever!

My brother had an appointment at the hospital for what we assumed was just a post-op check up after having his tonsils removed. As I sat on the sofa when he got home, the words he said echoed in my head. “They say I either have or have had cancer...” This was the disease that took our dad from us 15 years prior and now, my head was a mess thinking it was going to take my brother from me! My mind was racing as the tears fell from my eyes but my mouth had no words. That’s when my brother got me to look at him and simply said “I’m not going anywhere, I’m going to beat this!” Even in that moment when he should’ve been worried about his treatment, he was trying to comfort and protect me.

As he left with our Mum to let other family members know, I went to my room to process what I had just been told and remembered a song that would help me do just that. Save You by Simple Plan was written while the singer’s brother battled cancer and I somehow found comfort in those lyrics as I listened to it on repeat.

The months that followed were hard, I won’t deny that! But I found strength in that song and my brother’s warped sense of humour kept us all going throughout his chemo and radiotherapy. During one of his hospital stays, I went with our Mum to visit him and the opening lyrics repeated in my head on the long drive from Irvine to Glasgow. “Take a breath, I pull myself together. Just another step until I reach the door. You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you.” I knew I had to pull myself together and not let him see how much I was hurting to see him so fragile. Funnily enough, that ended up being my only visit because he didn’t want me to be around all that since I saw enough at home. That also ended up being a visit that we laughed about because a mix up saw him missing dinner and we ended up finding a random chip shop in the middle of nowhere and eating it in the car with 5 inches of snow everywhere before he checked himself back into the hospital.

Thankfully he made it out the other side and kept his promise to beat it which I am so proud of! The treatment may have had some life changing effects which of course we joke about because we both still have a warped sense of humour but the experience made me appreciate all the things that used to annoy me and brought us closer as brother and sister. Even after 11 years, I’m thankful every single day that he’s still around to crack short jokes at my expense or just sit and have a chat with me about absolute nonsense.

1. 04/02/2021

Welcome!

As you may have already noticed from the description, this blog is going to be about some of my life experiences and the songs or lyrics that either helped me make sense of my emotions, remind me of that time or simply just relate to the story.

Growing up, music had always played a big part in my life but as I got older, I started paying more attention to the words in songs and the feeling I got from certain songs.

I’m old enough to remember spending my free time with a cassette player in my pocket and the switch to a Walkman CD player. Back before Apple products and Spotify... These portable devices were an escape from “dull adult conversations” but they were also the first glimpse of how much music was my escape.

As I hit my teenage years, I was already well aware that music was the thing I turned to when I felt happy, sad or just wanted a good old fashioned dance but it wasn’t until 2009 I was provided with the words that made sense of what I was doing.

All Time Low had just released a song called Lost In Stereo and I instantly couldn’t get enough of this catchy song! While the song contains a few lyrics I can somewhat relate to, it’s the title itself that spoke to me the most. I had spent years getting lost in music, lost in stereo, and now it all seemed so obvious from one little song title! Not only did I realise it, my friends did too as the messages started coming in whenever they heard it as they instantly thought of me, even years later there was random messages whenever my friends heard it. It became my motto almost and so for my 21st birthday, I used my birthday money to treat myself to this tattoo on the left side of my chest, almost close to my heart, on 2nd February 2012.

Don’t get me wrong, I like All Time Low and I LOVE the song, but that is definitely not why I got those words permanently on my skin. This tattoo represents how when times are tough, I can put my headphones in, block out the world and get lost in the music for a little while and it is my daily reminder that I’ve faced some dark days but bright ones are always around the corner. This past year has brought a good few dark days for a lot of people, myself included, but this silly little bit of ink has kept me moving forward looking for a brighter day during my dark ones, even after 9 years!