HONGJOONG ♡ DOXLOG EP.51

Hellooo to everyone that finds me

A quick introduction

I am 20

I use she/her, I am a Taurus and an INTP (that sounds like a threat…)

I don’t think there is anything else to add that is not confidential •3•

Maybe that I am an Atiny if anyone finds me specialized in the lore (I wasted to many hours of sleep on that one)

Stay as long as you‘d like I am just drifting around here

26/7/2021

After experiencing life to it’s fullest again, you start to realize how much you missed while being stuck in the pool of darkness. You might need some time to acclimate to the normal life but I would say it’s worth it.

Places now get new meanings and are no longer viewed with dark thoughts. Now you can actually start to appreciate the view and not stare at the ground as if your fate awaits you there.

Sometimes a look at the horizon is all you need to make your day better as it’s one of those things that will never change.

Sailing with a new mindset across your horizon, it’s always there but only you can decide how you want to perceive it.

7/5/2021

As a surprise for me, I am still alive.

Actually I am kind of glad I didn’t do it back then, because now I found stuff that actually inspires me to be a better person. I even found a profession that I would like to do later. 

So if you ever feel down remember, it might be bad now, that bad that you think you are suffocating at your own thoughts, but in the end it will grant you with something valuable, might it been experience, memories or the finding of an entire new hobby that saves you. 

You can do it and when you ever think you can’t do it anymore, then reach out to people, because even when it might not seem like it, people care.

A lot. 

12/07/2019

Why is everyone in this world so naive?

11/07/2019

Why can’t I be normal?

10/07/2019

Today my cat Luna got neutered and it was horrible. I was so worried about her and was so afraid when she was back home. She lurched all the time and just wouldn't lay down until she jumped on her seat in our living room and slept there for an hour and a half. Then she said followed everyone lurching and so far so on. She even throws up once but that was too much for me because I have a phobia against it. Right now she is lying on my bed and sleeps right next to me. I love her so much.

09/07/2019

Another boring day with just learning for my exams and my never-ending desire to sleep. Tomorrow, my cat Luna is about to get neutered and I have to get up at 7 am which is going to be a battle with myself. The whole day I was so tired and that's the main reason why this post is so ahort. I will just go back to sleep and hope I will survive the day.

08/07/2019

Oh dear god, why am I so naive? I'm still thinking that he will break up with that girl or will change his opinion on me. Let's be real who would ever think that this little girl who looks like a thirteen-year-old child which lost her mother at the mall could understand you with your problems? But anyway my dress came and I was happy about it, but it still couldn't fill the emptiness inside of me and that my best friend came over to celebrate the birthday from my cat with me didn't really lift up my mood. All I want to do it cry and lie in bed. I just need someone who understands me and where I know this person knows what I'm feeling. But the only person who could understand me doesn't want anything to do with me. If he would only knew what I know...

07/07/2019

Today was the last day where I didn't have to learn for my chemistry exam and I already miss my one week vacation. I just don't want to learn for this. My whole school sucks, the people there aren't great in any way and don't let me get started on the teachers. They will never be as good as the one from my old school. My class there is just horrible and I hate it to go there. I just miss my old class so bad and I just want to go to my old school for one day. There I would be happy for just one day but it would be worth it. Every day I regret more and more the decision to change my school for a better one and what did it cost me? My mental health. Some times I ask myself during class why I just don't jump out of the window and end this mess but I can't leave my cats alone in this world. They are the only beings on earth who don't judge me. Why is the world so cruel?

06/07/2019

I packed so many things today and I have to admit I never thought I have so much stuff. My room is almost empty now and I just wait till Monday when my dress arrives and my cat celebrates her first birthday. Yes, I celebrate the birthday of my cat because I think they should realize that today is a special day and that I'm happy that they were born. Another special thing happened today! The neighbor's cat which I haven't seen in a long time showed up at our patio and you should've seen my two cats. Luna the older one was so afraid of the strange cat but Stella the younger one was interested in her and was kinda sad when she went off. Well, that's life in one moment you have the time of your life and in the next moment, it gets taken away from you. I just hope the neighbor's cat comes back tomorrow and Stella can enjoy her company. Oh and just a quick addition I need to explain to my mother that I am a member of the goth community and well... She has her own opinion on that kind of people and I hope that she doesn't kill me for it.

05/07/2019

Guess who's getting her dress? Right, me! After an argument with my mother about the style gothic but as long as I pay for the dress she will be quiet. Addition to that I asked myself for the hundred times if it was the right thing to break-up with my boyfriend. I miss a person who wasn't there. All the time I imagined him to be someone he isn't and now I know who is that person I always imagined. Sadly he has a girlfriend now just after I started to talk to him. I reached out for him asked if he was okay and then he just stopped to answer me and a few days later he came to the bus station with that girl. I almost started crying the ride to school. Since that day it's painful to see him I always remember that I made the wrong choice in the past and missed my chance to have a happy life. I just want to have someone who knows what I'm going through and he knows that. But I'm too late. I lost him.

04/07/2019

Today was just a pretty boring day. No one did anything or yelled at someone. Okay, maybe not the last part. I painted my fingernails and got a devaluing look from my mother because I choose the color black. My brother got his bandage off and the scar with the thread in it looks cool while my mother can't even look at it without almost fainting. While I'm writing this my cat decided to lay down on my legs and to start purring. What would I do without her, she's the only creature on earth I can talk to and probably the only creature I will be able to love. Just like get adopted sister, these two cats are the complete opposite from each other, but they still like each other and can't live without each other. Animals are always better than humans.

03/07/2019

Today I had (again) an argument with my mother about how I dress and that she will not support my kind of clothing style. I tried to explain to her that gothic doesn't mean that you're depressed, but nope! She thinks she knows everything better than I do and that wearing black is definitely a sign that you're depressed (I mean I am depressed but that's not why I like to wear black clothes). She even said that she wouldn't dye my hair unless I will cut it a bit shorter but with a bit shorter she means at least ten centimeters. My goal is to have hair which goes me to my waist and then cut it when it's longer than it should be. After our little argument, I needed to help packing because we're about to move into a new house exact next month and my “poor” little brother couldn't help because he's not supposed to do much physical strain. Which leads too that I had to pack all of his stuff while he was sitting there just doing nothing and let me tell you he has a lot of stuff in his small room and I could just maintain calm because I know that I will get the room in our attic, where I will be alone and no one will walk by. That's the only thing that keeps me hoping of a little bit more freedom. With the bad side effect that I will live even closer to the person who breaks my heart evrrytime, I see him. Thank you life I really hope you appreciate the show.

02/07/2019

My poor psychologist, I always tell him about what my mother taught me and how she thinks about certain things and he's just shocked. This time he said that I have to get out of there and that my own parents aren't good for me. He even found out that because of the way my mother raised me that I got a SAD which means a social anxiety disorder or a social phobia. This happened because my mother always told me how bad people are and that I shouldn't talk to people I don't know. Additionally, she always talks down to me and tells me how lazy I am but she doesn't notice that I suffer from a depression I have since third grade because of her. Like I said when my psychologist heard about all of this he was stunned. Now we are trying to find a solution for my situation and a way to talk with my mother (I wished him good luck because my mother doesn't like to listen to other people). But what am I supposed to say about all of this? I'm nothing.

01/07/2019

So today was the funeral from my best friends grandma and I felt like the most emotionless person on earth. I never cried at a funeral, not in the one from my grandfather and especially not on the one from my grandma. It's just awkward to know that everyone around you is sad and is crying and you are just standing there and don't know why they're all crying. I just never feel like it's something sad or that it's even strange to cry in front of people you don't really know. Anyway, my mother was pissed that I came home an hour later than planned ( I wrote her that we will be over to my best friends house which normally means “I will stay a little bit longer”). Long story short she freaked out and called me undisciplined because I came from my best friends house an hour late. Tomorrow I have an appointment at my psychologist which are my 50 minutes of freedom and happiness, without remembering that my mother is going to know what I'm talking with him. Oh, when she would know that the stress she's giving me is damaging my mental health, then she would say it's because I'm the problem. I know, best mother ever!

30/06/2019

Today I was over to a friends house and I just love it there, her parents are okay with buying black clothes and even support her daughter when she wants these clothes. Why can't my parents be like this? Mine just tell what is bad for me or what would be proper for me. They even wanted to prohibit me to go to the funeral from my best friends grandma which is tomorrow. I told my parents that I saw her in the last four years almost every week and was almost part if there family and that I have to do this in honor of her. But no! My mother said that I'm not part if there family and that this woman had no relation with me. Just because I refused to go to the funeral of my own grandma, but she just didn't understand that I had no relation at all with this woman and that I saw no need in visiting her funeral (we don't talk about the fight I had with my mother after that). I just hope that my mother is not about to kill me tomorrow, because I will go to that funeral and I will ask her if she would buy me the dress I like. Let's hope that I will survive this day.