♍

Spin of The Night: Speechless- Beyoncé

12:38 a.m.

How do you know if your life is completely falling apart? Of course I don’t necessarily feel that way about mine, but how would I truly know?  Becoming who I am & discovering bravery without crisis is truly a test of my time. Interacting with different energies, sharing my time, abiding to society’s rules, making my own, being a mother, learning and creating new boundaries, navigating it all day-by-day. It’s enough to make a sane woman mad…. I talked to a special friend this evening about signs, beginnings and endings, dreams, intuition, angel numbers, and what the meaning of life might really mean. Every now & then we check in, ask our deep questions, complain of our woes, laugh & share space (over our devices lol)  and I genuinely enjoy his conversation. Long story short, tonight, he is making my mind race! 

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“.... damn..”

I met him about a year ago, known him almost as long as I’ve known Max, we’ll call this friend…  “♍” . The things that interest me about him are the things that I myself lack andddd I enjoy that he enjoys getting to see the deeper sides of me outside of my sex. It’s refreshing. He refreshes me, like that slice of cake after the Sunday dinner plate and it's been a long ass week! His mind is telling him that I’m his soulmate, but he isn’t sure if life just works like that (his exact words, because I tried… I tried to think of a safer way to not put his business out here Ladies, but I couldn’t, so imma just tell his truth) and tbh I am not sure either!! Every time I get my tarot cards read they say “oh your love is coming”, “your wealth is here”, it’s the lovers card, the hangman, all the card cups etc… I'm just patient, not looking for anything, just believing in what I got going on.That’s what I know I can do & what I can trust. So although I expected something, this, from my Virgo, was unexpected. Nonetheless, I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it’s time to take him up on that date, because this is passion & intensity in another way and for some reason I find myself intrigued to figure out what’s next. No, I don’t want to be in control & no I do not aim to conquer this man. This time, for the first time, I’ll be the sacrifice of pride for the chance to be my Virgo’s burden of proof. Even that sentence flowed so smoothly… 

This month has ended with so many spiritual revelations & Ladies I believe the biggest is that the answers will certainly find you, always. Divine timing is divine, and patience does reap reward. As for tonight's conversation, I also wonder if life “just works like that?” I feel like it’s another timezone we’re in… or maybe it’s just me & my Virgo, either way I’m not unsure, just getting comfortable here. Am I home? We will see. Until next time Ladies…

Best Regards,

LoverGurlP❣️

Introspection

Spin of The Night: Teena Marie Mix

6:38 p.m.

It's quite early in the evening for this blogpost, maybe a bit too early actually, but absolutely necessary for I have made a new break in my search for freedom from this earthly body. I’m in anguish currently & im not all the way certain why, only about 50-65%. Not to mention I'm on aunty duties so I guess that’s my spirit guide’s way of telling me I don’t really have the time to be down. I just have to keep going even though right now the only thing I really wanna do is crumble into a ball of depression & that’s a very tough word for me to use. For months I have been quietly telling myself that it’s best to let go of all of the things that make me feel empty afterwards as well as all of the things that I can no longer control emotionally and mentally and well damn that hurts, I mean like really bad. It has been a while since something hurt like this, but in a weird way it still doesn’t feel like forever even then the unknown is painful. I’m partially regretful of the admittance of my innermost thoughts and feelings but I don’t regret anything, as I’m realizing everything is a learning process & it’s meant to teach us something about ourselves we already thought we knew. Maybe birth is a way of letting the human mind know that we don’t really know anything about living/life & so that’s why oftentimes, many times in our lives we go through various stages of rebirth looking for answers that are either questionable or answerable. How many times will this happen for me? And what is the disconnect? 

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“You are stable. You are just in unfamiliar territory so it’s very important to stay grounded and let go of expectations. Things will turn out better that way.”

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Introspection in the literal sense means “the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.” in the physical sense that rings quite true as well, as it is exactly what I find myself doing right now. So much so that it's hard balancing the retrospective aspects of it all… looking too far back means diminishing the accomplishments of my spiritual growth & overanalyzing the current means I am stagnant. I’ve given up Ladies, my faith has fucked me so good I might need a cigarette afterwards lol ! I have a question for you Ladies… how do you process heartbreak… over and over? & if you have the answer how the hell did you find it 😆, but no seriously help a wondering woman out, woman to woman. Shit, I'll pay at this point! It’s hard being alone with how and what you feel ALL THE TIME, shit I wanna be held. I want somebody to take it all away, just for a moment. By somebody that understands the qualms of single motherhood, and the “rebirth” of the spirit, mind and soul. All of that without thinking that I am always lost in my own mind, because trust I am not! I’m very aware of allllll of the shit I got going on, the baby daddy, the living with the parents, the job search, and the journey of getting back on my own two feet. I know most of what I want, all of what I need, and some of what I desire in this lifetime. I’m not naive. I’ll ring for that. It’s been one ladies, until next time

Best Regards,

LovergurlP❣️

Vulnerability

Spin of The Night : N/A

It has been a while, almost a year maybe? Not quite! Well currently I’m watching Sex & The City episode by episode and I’ve been listening to the deluxe version of Beyonce’s B’Day 😂. Hilarious. The last time we checked in I was in a rendezvous with Max working my way out of courtship with my child’s father. Well ladies, you’ll be happy to know that I am single as fuckk! However….. I am still in and out of this situationship with Max, judge me later Ladies, I know (sad face, sad face). What started out as a breakaway & meaningless sex has transformed into something I could have never imagined. I love and care for a man that I’m learning is colder than me… such a shame, right? I told him a few nights ago that I wished we had the chance to become better friends before taking that step towards sex, although I will admit, it’s almost instinctual between us two, I can’t really explain it. It’s just different but I don’t want to lose it, I know that. 

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“Being vulnerable is surrendering comfortability… make your fears your strength.”

I had a conversation with a longtime friend of mine a few days ago about what true vulnerability is and what it means in the long run as well as in terms of a relationship. So what conclusions did he & I come to? First, we recognized that it meant open and honest communication. Second, trust… obvious, right? But finally, after much debate we settled on the idea that in order to accept AND benefit from actual vulnerability you need to be forever aware & conscious that meaningful things will be lost, things including love… and those you love. That brings me to today, well in all actuality the last few months & a new realization about vulnerability. I have to always do me. Having faith in my intuition in regards to the choices I make is important, it’s what ultimately makes me stronger. Where I didn’t once imagine a future with Max, is now a constructed merry-land of all the things we both admire, speak life into together & dream of late into the nights. However, now life is changing, for us both, growth was & is evident and now it is imminent. I am frustrated, and I am scared that I may lose this uncharted, mysterious, safe, deep, intuitive love, but I am also exhausted and burdened by the current stagnance of this undefined chapter. I want out. My only hope is that it won’t last too long. All that I can say with a clear, unwavering mind is that somehow I feel better, yes sad, a bit down, the Sex & The City has turned into Disney Lullabies and it is now almost 10 p.m. as I lie in my bed typing this next to my child. I question, Does having all the answers necessarily make you right? It’s still too early to determine the answer to that, but knowing me.. My brain won’t stop trying. I am learning the innermost sensitive parts of all of me, admitting my wrongs, apologizing more and protecting my energy and my peace, with all of the answers that feel good and support my growth. I would say that's vulnerability. Only time will truly tell. 

Until then, 

Best Regards,

LoverGurlP ❣️

The Triangle Chronicles

Spin of The Night: Orange Moon/ Out My Mind, Just In Time- Erykah Badu

10:52 p.m. 12/17

What does the me of this very moment want? I’ve been cycling through the same three obsessive thoughts all day. Time, Love, Pleasure. Sometimes I place so much value on material things I forget to account for how rich I feel on the inside. How good it is. The best thing I ever did in my life was to decide to be a mother. I love how I feel when I see my seed smiling back at me, everyday I am amazed I gave birth to another life, yet I can see back to the very moment I knew she was inside of me. How good it is…

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I was very lost when I met my daughter’s father, 19 years old, fresh from a highschool dropout & taking every opportunity to drink and smoke away any inkling of a future I dreamed for myself, then a beacon of another young, struggling, intuitive, sensitive, man. Something of a dream all its own. To be regionally respective, we’ll call him “Chi-city” lol. Every moment I could spend, which was many, as a young woman with no responsibilities & in between jobs, was with him, and I’m not gonna lie, I became very, very enamored anything I could think of was a possibility, physically, mentally, emotionally, metaphysically, he was all capable. I allowed him to explore the safe ranges of my mind, and eventually from that extreme love, came a beautiful baby girl. We stayed in this love for 3 years, thick thin, up down, left right, us exploring with other women, it not working 😅, him exploring on his own.. It not working! loss, sharing a home, raising a child, and we weathered the weather. It just always seems to rain my way…

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“Tell me Ladies.. Am I bringing the storm?”

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I love this man, I do, but I can’t communicate with him & what’s even more, I can not trust him. I can not trust him. We have broken each other’s hearts in many ways, disappointed each other even. I have my moments when I falter, I’m not a superwoman everyday. Some days I’m still that little girl who just wants a warm embrace, and like I said before my biggest downfall is that I’m a creature of habit & he’s one of many. To sort through it all and pick out the love feels like I have to settle & I won’t. Even if I have to cry, scrape, scream, hustle, reach, pull, press, fill the heartbreak hole with Max, it's what I’m going to do. The other side is brighter. Ladies tell me.. What is your worst habit in love? Let me know I’m not alone here, please. Right now it feels like it.

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As I write this, I’m still conflicted on my spin for the night. Hmm, Erykah is heavy on my mind tonight though. I told Chi-city about this new venture, lets just say.. Well let’s not say at all, I'm still in a good mood. Max wants sex, hm, (note to self: don’t ever overcommunicate with a man who’s only ever communicated one intention.) & Loverman is about to call. I’m starting to wonder should this be called the Triangle Chronicles or Square Chronicles ha! I talked to my cousin about my situation, as I do most days, that woman is just as lost as me 🤣, but still she listens, and I can respect that. She always says “You’ll get it together.” I always wonder, how long does that take? I wanna be right, right now! What did I do so bad to suffer so much emotional turmoil? Is security too much to ask for Ladies? I’m waiting for the man who is supposed to do right by me to meet me in the middle, shit where is the middle? Wherever it is, this time the foundation is laid by me, and whoever you are beautiful BLACK man, please, all I 

ask, take your shoes off before you enter!

⤁⤀⤀

Best Regards,

LovergurlP❣️

The Triangle Chronicles

Spin of The Night: Space Age Pimpin’ - Eightball & MJG

11:23 p.m. 12/16

I don’t know why I still even give this nigga a chance. The nigga I’m referring to is NOT my child’s father, not one of those storytime’s ladies, ha! Remember Max, well yeah, it's him. I do feel a much deeper understanding with this current situationship, what started as a meaningless rebound transformed into a transformative experience for me, I am realizing the true capacities of my mind & body physically & emotionally, only I don’t know exactly what the fuck it is i’m experiencing but I’m starting to think what I thought was something that could’ve been “it”, is just another waste of time. Silly me, right? I mean even the things that bother me with this man, don’t make me stray. Tell me ladies, is that the definition of “naive” ? Either way, it feels good, …shit, really it feels amazing! Selfishly, I’m not tryna lose that, the man says he listens to my favorite song when he thinks of me, how true that statement is now, who knows LOL! But damn it sure feels amazing. Maybe the problem is how good it feels, and that after that feeling wears off, all that’s left is the space of emptiness where that feeling once was. 

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“I thought I was ready for you, turn’s out I wasn’t even handling myself the right way.”

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I know allll the freaks want to hear about it… you know what I’m talking about, the nasty things I do & to be honest I’m not ashamed, I’m a consenting woman, but how deep are we going Ladies? Darius & Nina or Savannah & Kenneth? Anyways, let's talk about it. Sex with this man is something that currently has me in a chokehold 😖 but it’s not just a “crash-and-go scenario, Max takes his time, everything is about my pleasure, at his pace and still I’m always in full control.

It’s masterful.

I met this man about 2 months after my breakup from my child’s father & initially, we had a pretty decent friendship, just good conversation & laughs, something I am positive neither of us were taking seriously… then we decided on a day to meet each other and share these same conversations etc.. in person, neutral decision. Now before I get into this next part Ladies & whatever Gentlemen who have found themselves here, DISCLAIMER: I Am NOT A Hoe!!!

Buttttttt! I did indeed give up a pinch of pussy 😭 but what can I say, I’m a sucker for a great smile, especially one that’s looking up at you from the place down below. I do things I said to my savior I would never, freaky, nasty, shit that runs through your mind during your workweek, I wait up until the late hours of the night for these erotic moments & I return to my bed in the early hours of the morning. Satisfaction is a minimum of what I feel. My dilemma with Max however, is that every night ends with a conversation, each one more profound than the last. We talk about life, his life mostly, but I don’t mind. I usually fall into the category of listener. Savior. Whatever works for whatever situation I find myself in. Tell me Ladies, am I a victim? Or am I just enjoying the role? I’m yearning for a savant who is rehearsed in the art of mind-reading, independence, communication, love-making, sweet gestures, and hard work. I’m trying to stop settling for just a piece of the pie. I wonder how many of yall can guess my zodiac sign hmm… It's been two days without him & I can’t lie although I’m not feigning for sex, it’s just comfortable, I’ve gotten use to the way it feels, and living in that moment of intensity & letting it wash off with that early morning shower.. It’s our world & our dirt. Just our secret. As fucked up as it sounds, I like it that way. 

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Damn, he’s calling right now, I’ve got to go Ladies!

Best Regards,

LovergurlP❣️

The Triangle Chronicles

Spin of The Night: Memory Lane - Minnie Riperton

11:48 p.m. 12/15

One thing I can say about being in my early twenties is that, emotionally, it feels pretty unrewarding so far. I don’t know why, but I thought I would be in a fantasy… well I hate to say fantasy… but yeahhh, fantasy kind of love right now. I can honestly say that I’m stuck. Men are very unique, very difficult, sources of pleasure & yet I keep finding myself sorting delights into different boxes!

Tell me, is it selfish to desire deep emotional connection or “am I too young” still? Well I’ll tell you one thing, I think I’m out of time. I feel like I’m on a great path, I'm working on my career, I’m working on being a better mom, just working on getting my whole life together really. All the while, I keep finding myself in the position where I think I can change another’s reality.

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“Love was the loneliest corner in the room. Everyone was afraid of the thorns that surrounded her flowers.”

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I’m out of time because I’ve reserved it. I flirt, I date, and I can appreciate some genuine conversations about interesting worldly & otherworldly topics. The only issue is I seem to attach myself rather quickly, and it’s a bitch to let go. I’ve been out of a 3-year relationship for 6, almost 7 months now, and I can honestly say that I think I made a very hard, but good decision. So far in that time, my ex has found his way back into my life, oh and as an extra twist he is across a few states. Still, I dream of a future & most days he’s in it. With all of that I am also engrossed in an affair with a man that I know little of logically, but deeply of emotionally. What started off as a rebound from the heartbreak of my breakup from my daughter’s father, turned into an erotic, intuitively transformative, real-life, emotional-rollercoaster. However, that’s another story, for another time.

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I met my ex (not my child's father), when I was around 16 years old, and we had a few sort of stable, unstable, iwasstrynamakesomebodyjealouswhodidntloveme, ass months! Then he moved away, so did I, we tried, but I messed it up. Fast forward a couple more years, I meet my child’s father & after pretty much no contact, I let it all go. So I thought. He congratulated me on my daughter on Snapchat, (which I was surprised, anxious, nervous and excited to see) and then nothing, for almost 2 years. Then, about a year ago we reconnected via social media & I can’t disconnect. The way he responds tells me he feels the same. Although, from day to day , it’s difficult to read his emotions, I imagine he feels the same way about me. Even with all that we have been through, this man has always been here. We’ll call him.. “Loverman.” Right now even though I am intertwined in a pretty tumultuous love affair with another man, we’ll call him “Max”, that has still never affected the love I have for Loverman, he’s never made love with my body, only my mind and yet I’m the most attached I’ve ever been to another man, to him, in this lifetime. He is the only man that has never asked for one thing from me, lover or friend, emotionally or physically, monetarily or of my time and yet I would give it all. Sex with Max is amazing and emotionally tied but my body is in a completely different space with LM. I don’t regret the steps that have made me the woman I am today, but I do regret how easily I disregarded the feelings of the men I love(d) over time. I can be so selfish, I’m finding my balance. 

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I'm scared that our time will run out. At 23, almost 24 years old, I feel I’ve found an absolute love. Does Loverman feel the same? IDK, but the fact that we’ve both been holding on, and now we both find ourselves in a predicament where we are single and we can’t leave one another alone, it does make the mind wonder. He’s an older man so I like to think that he really doesn’t want to waste his time. All I know is that when the time comes, I’m going to get my love. I can’t wait any more, our love is the kind I would love to sit in front of a fire and tell our kids about. 

Best Regards,

LovergurlP ❣️