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loveinfall · 2 years

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Bittersweet

Pairing: Eren x Reader

Format: Angst w/ no comfort- Season 4 spoilers

Warning: none

Summary: In which Eren pays a bittersweet visit to some strangers old friends.

This isn’t what I want at all.

I wish the good old days would come back—the days where we were we all were close and felt close. The days where everyone was on the same page and had the same goal, to destroy the titans and restore humanity’s freedom. The days where Mikasa, Armin, Eren, and I would run around in the walls that sheltered Shiganshina and its citizens as we’d listen to Armin’s ambition about proving the sea.

The days..when I had him.

Isn’t that right, Eren?

The atmosphere was heavy.

Shuffling could be heard outside the door but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not when the man sitting in front of us could transform any minute.

“We’re going ahead.” A male voice outside the door spoke, breaking the silence in the room.

“Very well.” Eren replied.

It was silent again. I hated this kind of silence, the silence where you know something bad is bound to happen. I could easily guess I wasn’t the only one nervous, just taking one glance at Gabi’s expression you could easily guess she was beyond horrified. If it wasn’t for Armin speaking up then we all would’ve just been sitting here with our hands on the table.

“Was that Floch’s voice? Did you come here with Floch?”

“Yes.” Eren blankly replied.

I looked at Eren then looked around the room, everyone’s face was covered in dread. I looked at Eren again and held eye contact with him for a split second until looking down in realization of what I’d done. It hurt to see that the light that once sparkled in his eyes had died and dimmed over the years. His determination and passion wasn’t visible anymore. Eren looked so…dull.

“I just wanted to speak with you. Just a quiet chat…Conflict is not necessary to solve Eldia’s problems.” Eren announced.

I wanted to talk too but the words weren’t there. I was afraid that the questions I had would make me seem too inquisitive, in which I probably wouldn’t get any answers to. I believed it’d only leave me more curious. The thought of it only made me bite my lip and squint my wide eyes in anxiousness.

I could at least start it off shallow.

Releasing my lip from my teeth I spoke up, “Are Hange and everyone else…” I was cut off. “Hange and the others will be fine. We’re just re-locating them.” Eren reassured looking at the table.

Well that’s a relief. I let a small smile bloom on my face as I kept my eyes on my hands that’s still sat on the table.

“Eren, we’re the ones that wanted to speak with you.” Armin stated. “We just wanted to know what you were thinking, Eren. Why did you decide to attack Marley on your own…?” Armin sputtered.

“Eren, have Yelena and Zeke really won you over?” I asked looking up at the brown haired man who’s attention was now on me. Mikasa also looked up at Eren with worry in her eyes.

Eren lightly leaned in his chair with his hands still on the table.

“I am free.” He responded. “Huh?” Armin questioned as we all looked at him shocked yet confused. “Whatever I do. Whatever I choose. I do it out my own free will.” Eren added on. Mikasa, Armin, and I just looked at him with worry and confusion.

“You met with Yelena in secret the night the railway opened, right?” Armin interrogated. He pushed farther “Even after that, this has all been what you wanted?”

“That’s right.” Eren simply stated. Mikasa quickly cut him short. “No. You’re being controlled.” I nodded in agreement.

“The real Eren would never get innocent citizens and children involved, even if they did live in the enemy’s territory.” Mikasa voiced looking him dead in the eye and stood up.

“Not to mention you…you said it yourself…you care about us more than anyone.” I uttered recalling the time we discussed who was gonna inherit Eren’s titan.

“Are we wrong? You saved me from those kidnappers…and wrapped this scarf around me…you did it all because you’re a kind person, right?!” Mikasa mentioned. “Didn’t you also hold my hand to reassure me anytime I was scared because you’re kind!” I added slightly standing up and holding my hand out as a demonstration.

“I said keep your hands on the table.” Eren remarked in a cold tone.

The tone he used was so unlike the Eren I knew, so it made me flinch in surprise. Even though I had more to say, Mikasa and I just sat down with my eyes casted back on my hands that now lay on the table. Accepting the fact Eren didn’t have ears for anything me nor Mikasa had to say.

“I hid myself in Liberio and spoke with Zeke. Brother to Brother…” Eren said. “I learned a lot then. Zeke knows more that Marley does.” Now focusing his attention on Armin, he asked “Armin. You’re still going to visit Annie aren’t you?” Armin didn’t respond but instead looked at him shocked. Eren took it as confirmation and continued.

“Do you choose to do that? Or is that Bertolt?”

Now Armin was alarmed “Wh-What do you..” Armin trails off.

“If memories play a major role in forming a person’s identity, that could only mean that Bertolt’s become apart of you. A part of an enemy soldier that feels love for another enemy soldier is influencing your judgment and how you move.” Eren asserted with a sharp look.

How could he say such things out loud and to Armin of all people? Even after all the hardships we’ve been through together this is the thanks we get? Eren, just what the hell are you up to?

“Armin…Bertolt’s gotten into your brain. You’re the one being controlled by the enemy.”

“Eren!” I snapped, looking at him with now furrowed eyebrows and a frown. “What’re you trying to do?” Mikasa spoke up with a hardened gaze. Eren turned his eyes to left of the table where we both sat.

“I’m saying that there’s nothing further removed from freedom than ignorance.” He mugged. I grimaced at his use of the word ignorance to mock us. “I learned about the Ackerman there too.” Eren added closing his eyes and pausing. “The reason…you’re strong, Mikasa.” The male continued.

Mikasa perked up at the mention of her clan and name. I raised an eyebrow at his second sentence. “Eren, what’re you talking about.” I spoke up with a voice laced with obvious confusion. “For all their efforts, Marley’s scholars barely have any information about titans.” The emerald eyed male voiced.

“But they did discover there was an accidental byproduct of Eldia’s experiments with the subjects of Ymir over the centuries…” He trailed off before continuing. “…A bloodline that could partly manifest the strength of a titan while in human form. The Ackerman clan.” I let out a silent gasp with wide eyes.

Mikasa’s really strong but Eren could still be lying. Manifesting strength? C’mon now.

“The Ackerman clan was designed to to protect Eldia’s king. Traces of that instinct still remain. So when Ackerman sense the presence of a certain host, the remnants active in their blood.” Eren continued. “Huh?” Mikasa expressed through both words and facial expressions. “In other words, you only cling to me…” He stopped before furrowing his eyebrows.

“Because of your instincts as an Ackerman.”

Mikasa eyes widened in shock but I could also see the hurt in them. I opened my mouth to say something but I was interrupted by Eren.

“In that moment, when you were facing death, you obeyed my order. To fight. All of the conditions were complete to awaken the instincts that hid in your Ackerman blood.” He said reminiscing both him and Mikasa’s first life-or-death battle. “…You gained the battle experiences of all past Ackermans—by way of path. Only because your blood mistakenly thought I was the host you had to protect.”

“…This can’t be.” Mikasa quivered. She looked so hurt it made me hurt, my hurt was quickly turning into anger by the second because of how much Eren downplayed Mikasa’s sacrifice for him. “It can’t? Why not?” He asked as if to mock her. “It was not.” She paused before continuing. “…a mistake.”

“It was because it was you…because of you, Eren.” The coal haired girl desperately tried convincing with a pained smile, whilst shaking. “…I was able to become strong. It was all because of you.” She claimed. Mikasa’s right—everyone became strong for Eren.

“Based on the research—once an Ackerman awakens their powers, they often suffer from sudden headaches. They say this correlates to the real self resisting from being forced to protect the host. Sound familiar?” Eren countered.

Dread and a mix of hurt covered Mikasa’s face. I could assume it was true. “What I’m saying is that the real Mikasa—disappeared in that cabin on the mountain at nine years old. Leaving only you behind, ever faithful to your Ackerman instincts.” He resumed. “No…” Mikasa denied.

“A clan created to follow order. But don’t worry Mikasa. Y/N here is just like you.” He “reassured”. I let out a confused noise, ripping my gaze from Mikasa to Eren. “You aren’t tied by blood but most definitely created to follow me around like a pup with no owner. I held your hand because I love you? Don’t make me laugh.” Eren professed burning holes in my face.

His gaze made me feel small and alone at this table full of people. Eren doesn’t love me? Even though we indirectly expressed our feeling under the fireworks that night? I could feel that familiar burn at the tip of my nose that made it flare up into a soft red.

It hurt.

“You mean nothing to me. All those words I said were meaningless. All you did was put a weight on my back, weighing me down with this dumb romance of yours.” Eren spat. “You trained like a mad dog to keep up with me just for it to mean nothing, giving up time and meals, all for nothing. Silly don’t you think?” He continued

“No—it was for you. Because—It was because you pushed me to-” I tried explaining with a lump in my throat preventing me from speaking properly. “Now you’ve gone mad and you’re starting to sound like Mikasa.” The male asservated. I leaned back slightly and let my shoulders drop, hurt and confused.

“Both you and Mikasa are silly. One tied by blood, the other by delusional—one sided love. Following orders without a protest for no reason even if it meant giving up their own lives and bodies. In other words slaves.” Eren presumed with a never wavering expression.“Stop it, Eren!!” Armin desperately tried stopping the brunette.

“Do you know what I hate most in this world?” The expressionless male’s question hung in the air. “Anyone who isn’t free. They’re no better than livestock.” He stated matter-of-factly.

“Eren!!” Armin shouted again.

“Just looking at the both of them made something inside me boil. Now I’ve come to see why.” Eren continued verbalizing.

“I couldn’t stand to look at delusional slaves who never failed to follow orders without question”

My breath hitched and I could only look at my hand that would most likely never feel warmth or comfort again. I could only think about the moments me and Eren spent together in Marley. Did it mean nothing to him? Was our—my love really one sided?

“Ever since we were children…Y/N, Mikasa—I’ve always hated the both of you.” Eren finally put into words.

I couldn’t contain contain the tears that finally spilled from my eyes and the little noise that slipped from the back off my throat.

“Eren!! How dare you!!” Armin screamed jumping out of his chair onto the table ready to punch Eren.

“Armin hold on!” I said reaching for him. Before I knew it Mikasa had slammed Armin onto the table using a technique taught to us during our cadet days. All three of our chairs were now on the floor. “I told you. All you both have done was dedicate yourselves to a delusion and nothing else, even attacking and threatening to attack one of your closest friends.” Eren spoke eyes darting to my hand reaching out for Armin and to Mikasa’s grip on Armin, voice and expression never wavering.

I quickly rejected my hand and pulled it to my chest. “N-No” Mikasa stuttered backing away from Armin with her hands up as a surrender. I saw a tear escape from her already clouded eyes. Next thing I knew Armin had punched Eren knocking him out the chair, and knocking the table over in the process.

Armin had yelled so loud that Eren’s guards had entered the room to check up on him. “Mister Jeager!!” Both men yelled with beads of sweat on their face. “It’s fine.” Eren replied with blood running down his nose to his chin.

“So Armin…” Eren spoke, whilst throwing Armin into the shelf of wine in the process. “We’ve never fought before, have we?” He continued, walking over to Armin who was recovering from the previous attack and bleeding from the mouth.

Armin ran forward with a war cry preparing to punch Eren but Eren was quicker. “Know why that is?” He paused in between punches. “Because it’d never be a fair fight!” Eren finalized giving Armin a knee to the side. Armin fell to the floor. He was done. “Just stop…” Mikasa pleaded, tears streaming down both our faces. “Armin…” I whispered in between sniffles walking over to him and passing Eren in the process without sparing him a glance. Dropping down on my knees, I helped Mikasa lift him up.

“Like I said at the start. If you told me where Zeke is…there’d be no need for us to fight.” Eren reminded. “So just come with us. Take them away.” He ordered the two guards. “Yes, sir!” they both complied.

“So? What is it…you even wanted to say?” Armin breathed. “Is this the freedom you wanted? The freedom to hurt Mikasa and Y/n…? Tell me.” Armin asked. I looked down at the floor with slightly blurry vision and a frown. “You’re a slave, too…and your master’s a worthless bastard.” Armin insulted. “Who’re you calling a slave.” Eren grunted gritting his teeth, his expression and voice wavering ever so slightly. “Let’s go.” He demanded.

“Where?” I asked, voice shaky. “Where it all started. Shinganshina district.”

I look down at my hand and tear up at Eren’s words from earlier.

My hand’ll never be held again, huh..

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