Ah, so many words. Or that you use them but you don't know exactly why or how to use them, you just know it fits.

Books are portkeys.

"Fiction can show you a different world. It can take you somewhere you've never been. Once you've visited other worlds, like those who ate fairy fruit, you can never be entirely content with the world that you grew up in. Discontent is a good thing: discontented people can modify and improve their worlds, leave them better, leave them different."

― Neil Gaiman

Cheers to 33

Eventful start of the year, so far. Birthday month is about to end. This month should generally be a happy one, laidback and chill. Much like the other years, I would have been able to travel this month or spent quality time with favorite people.

This is probably one of those memorable ones, where you knew your heart was beating so fast, you are close to hyperventilating. College debate days. Except this time, you are arguing with yourself. 

Ah, but God has something to say. A lesson to teach, perhaps. The start of the year has been rough.

I felt like that call was an eviction notice and we had to scramble for a place to live before we can finally have our own. Compelled to decide on the spot for a condo buy even if I was trying to set sights for an actual house. I'm still not sure about this, but I am sure God will deliver.

Classes were mid and largely because I was just trying to get by. Office work also turned out to be quite toxic. I mean every year there's major drama, not sure why or how this ends up. One major culprit would be unresolved chismis. Dunno. It adds, worsens the burnout. Alongside the myriad life choices you had to make every now and then. There's just too much you can take on your plate.

I also felt like the resignation of a close colleague took a toll on me. Largely because they were an asset but also because our discussion would have been confrontational, pushing them to resign. It could also be a culmination of all the stress that beset the work we do.

March could have been a breather but it wasn't much. Had to deal with grades and piled up work. The project with Aus is not making any clear progress in my perspective, I feel like I'm leaving it behind.

And then there are matters of the heart. A lot happened, words said and exchanged. Feelings spilled, gathered, only awash with emotions right after. I’m not sure how to explain exactly what unfolded. What’s clear was the need to be resolute with the principles you believe in. And then you also consider how this may hurt other people you genuinely like, in the process. It was bittersweet. On your birthday, you may likely lose a friend, like a blunt knife suddenly pulled from you. There is numbness, that phantom feeling of pain for what has been lost and may be difficult to recover.

I'd be catholic about it, carrying that cross as a burden for a significant amount of time. Walls were broken down and it really is good to be appreciated, admired. The internal conflict would probably be on my end, feeling some guilt over enjoying the attention but also hurting someone in the process. Pareto efficiency at play, my dear students. Hay.

Next month, the application results (at least for the interview) would be released. I pray hard to be given the opportunity to be interviewed for that PhD position in Berlin. Wanted this so bad. The wait adds to the anxiousness, alongside all the other things that were left unresolved or fully given some closure. Even the applications for research conferences would be released next month.

On days like this, we follow Mikey’s mantra for Carm, “let it rip. Let go, move forward in full force, understanding that your momentum will get you through no matter how hard and hurtful it can become. The destination is not the ultimate goal, the journey is. And so, we let it rip.

The advice: to let those walls finally crumble, to wait and pray still, harder. In the face of vulnerability, you find that people are ready to listen and accept you, only if you’d also allow them. I may or may not lose a friend, still not sure where this would lead. So, we enjoy the days because you are once again reminded to live fully and take every opportunity to laugh about the most mundane things, it may not happen again.

Let it rip and choose to go with the flow. Too much to wait for and all we can do is pray. All I need to do is pray. You need some balm for all the lashes endured, some assurance for the hurt you've incurred, that soul-seeping peace that everything is going to be alright. Soon, later, no clear time really. But that time will come. Until then we continue to wait faithfully.

Here goes to nothing or many more. Cheers to a new year, self.

Definitions

Someone asked me how do we define friendship. Difficult question. A Miss Universe entry, perhaps. It took me a beat to type.

Friendships are like mandalas. The closest circles are those you keep for life. They know and understand your struggles, the highs and lows of your life, the many things you like and some of those that you don't want. They are companions in silence and in laughter. In tears, they are a shoulder to cry on. Their simple presence calms you, allows you to think, we'll make it. Soon, someday, in the distant future. There are roller coaster moments where you get to be together, and many more times where you'd be apart. Those pauses are but commas, once you regain the chance, it'll be like a day apart. You get to rekindle stories, laugh hard about the same jokes or bash the same people even if you've already forgiven them. Try to remember the people and places, or the events that blur the many memories you shared. Like mandalas, those farther the middle fade and move on towards other mandalas. It can be sad, but eventually it becomes ok. The closest, you keep and maintain. In various ways and means, you let them know they are important and loved. Mandalas are strongest not because of the numbers they have but by how tightly knit their inner circles are. I guess that's fairly true for friendships you keep for life.

I answered simply, in Filipino. This was an elaboration. Hahaha. But you get what I mean.

You don’t like to think about the fact that someday you will do nothing and be nobody. You will only allow yourself to preview this experience when you can disguise it in a narrative about how you are doing many exciting and edifying things: you are experiencing, you are connecting, you are being transformed, and you have the trinkets and photos to prove it.

Agnes Callard in "The Case Against Travel," New Yorker, 24 June 2023

A to the men!

Do the work

Best advice I got from my parents -- always do the work. Regardless of the outcome, the affirmation, or the reward, making sure you rendered the hard work and crossed off your list would be more important.

To quietly and patiently complete the task assigned or the project entrusted to you, that's important. I've observed this as the foremost work ethic of my parents, and when we're poring over things, they would always remind me this.

It sounds boring, less exciting really at certain times. But I've also seen its impact, how it works.

I'm reminded because of what's happening the past few months. I transitioned the year with a heavy heart because one of the persons I disciple from church found it difficult to accept correction, plus the fact that I heard it from other people, not directly from them. Then, a workmate I thought was a friend found it also ~infuriating when asked about their level of commitment to our work. At times, I ask myself would it have been so bad to rebuke wrongdoing and insist accountability?

On both accounts, I thought the dejection comes from our differing expectations as to commitments and a sense of responsibility. Thankful to still be learning and reflecting.

PS: Delayed post. This is me reeling from the whirlwind that was January. Hehe

Rents and wants

It's been a while, Tumblr.

There's a lot to talk about, to digest, to rant, to basically dump here. The year's about to end and I am not really sure if I’m moving forward or I’m stuck somewhere. Sometimes I feel like life’s really great and then there are times where doubt creeps in. Those days were frustrating, draining really. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I would have wanted to talk to a professional, just to check if the gears are still in place. Hehe. 

Those gloomy times challenge me but there’s always that glimmer of hope that we’d always see better days ahead. Prayers, that constant reminder that God holds you, it makes greater sense to me now. I remember I felt that when I was also struggling with professional growth in 2018. I was 25 then. Probably it’s age too, 32 this year and musing about the future can make you anxious. In the end, faith keeps me grounded. 

The past few months were quite testy. I’m rethinking this office work I agreed to. It’s taking precious time from me to do research and pursue other worthwhile things. It’s also taking some toll on my mental health. At some point, I felt so angry because an office colleague has been taking advantage of the leniency of our working relationship. They’re basically tampering on time records to show they’re not late to the office or that they’re present even when they’re not. Add to the injury was the poor quality of work. What really triggered me was the fact that they’re checking our work and the time we spend in the office, when they were the ones doing the damage. That person resigned, forgave them, but the “inis” stayed because I thought the whole thing’s resolved.

More recently, such issues resurfaced. This time alleged “chismis” as the culprit. It’s really the littlest of things. I don’t really like these kinds of tensions because it veers away from the work we should do. We’re also beginning a reorganization. There’s a lot to envision and hope for, but until these creases are resolved, I’m not sure how change can be managed. 

I like the work I do, but doing PhD is more important to me now. I want to study, to learn, to write. Abroad that is. The goal is lofty. Targeting a top uni in Europe and another in the US, but hey what stops us from dreaming this big. The push and pull comes from these priorities. I know I can do a good job with the reorg, I still have a lot to give. But I also know that I don’t work on my PhD now, I’d be resenting this decision and always going back to the what-ifs. 

It’s scary though. Write a proposal, get someone to recommend you for grad school, talk to a potential advisor. Living abroad is the least of my worries. The preparations are what scares me because I have to put myself out there again and pour heart and soul with 50-50 chance of making it vs not making it. The potential failure scares me. 

And then of course I have to think about the future for our family, for my parents in particular. Papa’s about to retire in a year or two and they would need a place to settle down. They want to travel while they’re strong. That we can work on. Buying a house for them is what fills my mind recently. Our rent here will go up next year and they won’t be selling the house to us because the next generation owners have future plans. In my mind, we have at least a year to look for a permanent house and put together enough money to make sure it’s ours. As the eldest, the responsibility falls on my shoulders. My brothers are getting married in the next two years, our youngest sister’s planning to work abroad and prepare for it, and my other sister would most likely be in between jobs next year given thesis work. So yeah, exciting times, mixed feelings too. I’m expected to step up.

Amid all these, I thank God’s perfect timing. I did not expect the promotion late this year and I kind of was annoyed at first because I don’t want to be beholden to someone. But then again, you always thank whatever’s on your way. It seems that the promotion’s for this bigger responsibilities next year. My return service ends this coming February so I am relatively free to pursue my PhD. I am entrusted with bigger stuff at the office, commended for good work, so yeah, the pressure is there, but we soldier on.

The memes had it right. I thought the 30s were more smooth-sailing. Being born in a middle class family with no intergenerational wealth, in a third world country, faced with inflation and less security, it could really get frustrating and lonely. Sometimes I just want to sit down and stare, maybe things would rewind and we’d be back at least to days where dreaming of buying a house would be much more achievable. 

You can’t blame us for enjoying an overpriced coffee and healing our inner child once in a while. The world’s in flames and rents continue to rise. Some luxury might just keep us going and help us survive.

A long layover

12 hours. Arriving during the wee hours of the morning. From a delayed flight. Good decision to get a room at the airport's capsule hotel.

I realized a number of things.

One, that I'm willing to spend extra bucks for comfort.

Five years ago, at the same airport, I lugged it out at the benches and public restroom, if only to save at least a thousand pesos or so for renting an overnight room. I was so exhausted that time, but hey, that's part of the backpacking charm.

Fast forward today, I thought about staying at the carpeted free lounge areas. But I'd arrive at three in the morning and I'd need to wait until three in the afternoon before I go to my end destination. So before leaving Manila, I booked that last capsule room.

The flight was delayed, but I am so happy to sleep with fluffy pillows. No hassle to hug my essentials because I am in a private room. It was small for sure, something you'd expect in a capsule. I get to shower nicely come sunrise. This is good.

Two, why can't we have a nice airport in Manila?

I've been at KLIA2 a number of times now, majority of which have been for transit. It never disappointed me -- lounges are spacious, you'd still be dignified to sleep or stay for some time because there are different kinds of chair to sit on, a working charging station, and clean restrooms with shower options. The duty free shops are a bonus, the food choices are good. Wifi is 24hrs! Wow. The longest I'd get in Manila is three hours, if it's a good time; an hour if we're at peak periods.

I'd know that it's also commuter-friendly because the airport trains are connected to the city. There's also a shuttle that would take you to the other terminal. You would never mind walking because the walkalators are working and the pathways could accommodate a large number of pedestrians.

In general, NAIA is definitely lagging behind its SEA counterparts. We need to seriously work on how we'd boost ground support and better airport service. Gahdd, we even had the audacity to say "we give the world our best," but the very gateway to our country does not live up to the hero it was named after. And all we're thinking about is changing it's name.

Three, aisle seats are equally good.

As a forever window seater because of the view and isolation from the larger crowd, I have a renewed appreciation for aisle seats. It's roomier, easier to stretch for a rather long flight, and faster to receive food service + retrieving bags. The mask makes it ok for me to sleep because I won't worry too much about my mouth agape. Hahaha! It could also be that the people sitting near me are not as nosy as the previous ones I experienced. No middle seat still. I don't know anyone who likes middle seats.

Logging these thoughts for now. I'd be on a long journey for almost a month. This should be fun, especially because I'm out of loop from work most of the time. Excited for this coming week's conference and then that long vacation in Down Under with my parents. Tomorrow, I'm off to visit the highest mountain in Thailand. I hope my legs won't fail me. Hahaha!

Until the next post from somewhere! :)

Self-love is a powerful tool; it can be used for good or bad, for connection or disconnection. And at a time of such immense social fragmentation, we need to cultivate the kind that brings us together. So how exactly do we do this?

Maytal Eyal in Self-love is making us lonely, TIME Magazine

Me "write" now :P

Got invited to join Alex and Ruth's podcast, Sugar Nutmeg. They're from Indonesia and we got to talk about digital disinformation -- compared cases across Southeast Asia, steps we can work on, and ways to move forward. We also touched on a bit about digital transformation and how this kind of affects prevailing data divides in our region.

Give it a listen! :)

Un-calendared

"Uy, wala na sa kalendaryo yung edad mo!"

Common joke among young adults. Literal translation yata yung title. Anyway, people stop counting at either 25 or 30/31, depending on the level of acceptance.

Then comes the more ~difficult/ annoying comments. Get married, have kids, settle down. In my case, puro ka aral, nakaka-intimidate ka na siguro kaya ganyan. Oof.

My birthday month marks the end of the 1st quarter and the designated time to celebrate women and our contribution to society. For a patriarchal society such as ours, we celebrate women in lip service - go, be empowered, but not so much as to bruise the ego of men. So much for Fire Prevention (and on this month too).

Should women be defined by marriage and their capability to bear children? I don't think so. I mean, sure, it's a God-given commandment, but it is equally a duty. A big responsibility. So, we should not leave offhanded remarks such as these.

Enough with the political commentary. We should know the drill by now.

///

It's a big blessing my birthday fell on a Friday, a perfect segue to a long weekend. Hehe. I did most of my favorite things -- get some pampering and relax, read a book somewhere quiet, eat dinner with our family. Ticked all the boxes, a well-deserved gift. Thank you, Lord!

I enjoyed a bit of solitude today. It shields me from a lot of noise. I was initially planning not to open my phone too much, but since we have a big event on Monday, I thought I should still be on call just to be sure. Anyway, our team did not bother me much with concerns, so it was a peaceful day.

Finally found the courage to dye my hair. Still on the safe side, but who cares really. I liked it.

Could have spent some more time reading, but since it's near payday, people flocked to the mall and there's not much sitting areas. Should probably do this on Sunday or whenever before the second semester rush kicks in.

///

Blessing I'm thankful for: no back pain, I can still stretch my body. Hahaha! I enjoy the job I do. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and stressed out, but God always gives me breathing room. Pay's not to high, but enough to meet our daily needs. A win, still.

We're getting recognition as expert in economics. Need to sharpen further my analysis of issues, so we can move to the next level. But even then, the regular quotes from BWorld is already a good start.

I'm also grateful that I get to cook for my siblings, prepare baon and stuff. I enjoy it. Cleaning has also been a fun thing to do. Marie Kondo's spirit probably took over. Also, I have finally learned how to cold brew coffee, make my own Spanish latte and mocha. Hihi.

Stuff I'm praying for: recently wrote down (finally) my prayer for a partner in life. Lord, please naman. I guess I'm at a stage where I'd also want to spend time with someone, invest in a relationship. Inasmuch as I find our society a difficult place to raise kids, I still want one. Twins pala. Wuw.

Also, praying for a big win in scholarship for PHD and some more preparatory workshops and conferences. I'm asking God for more time to write and really pin down my research direction.

Time to (literally) plant. Patience really to take care of my pananim. Ilang beses na silang nategi. Hahaha. Also, to really make it a habit to exercise hahaha! Enjoying our weekly Zumba at the uni, also morning stretches. Recently, I was unable to do it regularly. Mejo lethargic. Trying, trying.

///

On hiatus ang aking podcast, mostly because I had to check assignments and essays, then upload grades. Preparing for the second season hahaha! Kala mo naman.

///

Eto na muna. I just typed randomly my thoughts here. Good birthday this year, no drama. :)

12 years old me?! Wow.

What will I miss if the fungal outbreak were to happen that time?

No fun Sunday School classes with Fruit Baskets and later on, BLAG lol (Batang Laging Active kay God). Generally, no extended childhood for us -- beyblade tournaments, agawang-base x 10, our first Intramuros tour, Wawa Dam camp. Oh no, even our MMK Christmas production, Chocolate!

We'd be stuck with GMA forever as our ~Supreme Leader. As if her nine years wasn't a drag. Also, everyone's going to be stuck in EDSA traffic as soon as the outbreak takes its toll across the metro.

A world without F4 Taiwan fandom. Aww, this would really be sad. Sarah G would be crowned Star for a Night champion but Tala Dance Craze would just be a myth. Also Rachelle Ann Go, since it was in 2003 that Search for a Star was launched.

Biggest loss to PH pop culture? Daisy Siete. Gahhhd, those 23 seasons would not even happen because of this fungal outbreak.

The last of us + 2003

For review: personal workplace actions

A close colleague and I were talking just this evening about office tensions and politics. One of our junior workers felt bullied and the concerned person involved another close colleague, and to a certain extent, me. It is alarming and scary -- an incident of workplace bullying, a colleague I usually work with was the main concern, and me as a potential accomplice to such a preposterous act.

On my way home, I was trying to think about possible scenarios. Replaying discussions and conversations on my mind, examining past actions. The colleague concerned and I often have gripes about work efficiency, and our junior worker (not a direct report) have constantly reached our radars for supposed inadequacies. They're young and less experienced, but have also been showing relatively poor performances to the detriment of our overall work.

I raised it last year during our planning end of 2022, thinking it would be helpful and resolve our concerns once and for all. I made honest remarks, more blunt and whiny-sounding than it should have, but I believe I conveyed my message across. After that session, I asked another fellow for feedback and they said that they've been receiving comments that I was gradually becoming a "toxic" person to work with. To say I was appalled was an understatement. I was deflated, sad, and angry all at the same time. Asking why, colleague said because I was sharing a lot of remarks and complaining, sometimes rolling my eyes out of frustration, and generally because I was always with another colleague who's a known complainer. The point was I was reflecting this colleague's bad juju. I had to explain myself, where I was coming from, and why was I frustrated about certain things. Colleague understood and we resolved our concerns then.

The whole December, I deliberately chose to limit my visits to the office, preferred working from home, just so I'd have enough chance to reflect. When did these things happen, how did it start, where were my frustrations coming from anyway? I also shared it my two close friends and my plan to apologize for my behavior and choice of words. They told me it was good to apologize face-to-face. I did, before I went on a holiday break. We did patch up.

Back to this evening's conversation and the ghost of ~Christmas past rears its head once more. This time with a heavier tone. My first instinct yet again was to defend and explain the other side of the story. Bullying is a serious concern and should not be taken lightly. I thought we cannot question our junior worker's thoughts, lest they're invalidated. But I also thought our colleague should be given the opportunity to clarify intentions and explain their side. To be fair, colleague comes from a valid concern -- inefficient work which impacts overall office performance. It has been raised several times but colleague felt like JW's shielded from criticisms, we don't exactly understand why. Side comments are different and may merit bullying, if indeed shared maliciously and with the intent to use authority for sheer spite.

I need to write these down because I was bothered mostly by the concern. True it rocks our boat, but it is also so serious and consequential, it merits utmost care and level-headed approach. I'm not sure how this would go. Hopefully in a better and reconciliatory direction; people won't leave after this. Hayy.

Did I tell you about my podcast project?

Already on the fifth episode before the new year rang!

A short story. E and I recorded our intro episode for Policy Bytes before I left Oz last March. It was good, we liked it. But we never really had the chance to record another one, and really plan the whole program. We reconnected last August, and even planned to record over Zoom, but busyness took over. E's in Peru for sometime, I was trying to meet deadlines and prepare for the new sem.

I tried sharing some podcast episodes I liked from my Syllabus subscription to my students in some of our DevEcon classes. Students found it helpful, aside from the stock YT lectures I had. They learn from the conversations and the YT stocks from last time unlocked some more insights for them. And then my colleagues at the comms office invited me to join an episode of their self-produced show. We enjoyed talking and recording. I remembered PB but also initial ideas to convert past lectures and conversations into a podcast-type of lesson.

Wrote down the idea. But it was a month after that I really sat down and edited the first episode, recorded a sample track, and asked my BFF to edit the audio for me. I wrote a script to guide the editing. Jon asked me to cut down the sample track and convert it into a trailer, some two-minuter thing. It was good, we're both excited.

On Halloween, we uploaded our trailer, bonus track, and first ep on urban spaces. I had three listeners: me (not counted), Jon, and Jess. That's ok. Finally, we "gave birth" to this passion project.

Messaged another church friend if he can craft a short instrumental as intro / filler / ending for the show. Less than an hour, Kuya L got replied with a cute midi. Not just one but two. Kotkot and Punpun! We used it for the succeeding episodes. Another church friend, B, happily drew the show cover art.

I have a calendar because I try to be organized most of the time. But plans don't always work out as outlined. By the 3rd episode, I got delayed. I recorded for a 4th ep, but the material is scant, so I had it shelved for now. The 3rd ep turned out to have a lot of sound bites, so I repurposed the other parts to meet the 4th ep.

December came and I tried to squeeze in 2 more interviews for future eps, but both did not push through. Before Christmas, I rewrote the supposed "reading break" script into a year end review special, which is now the 5th ep.

Was this my 2022 plot twist? Probably.

I am really happy how this turned out. I am excited to release two more eps before we close the first season. Wowowow! Please listen to it here. We also have a Tumblr shownotes page. Sorry, it's not yet updated. I promise to find the time this month. Haha!

Anyway, happy listening and enjoy learning! Let me also know your comments :)