I can’t believe that I’m laying here trying to weigh the pros and cons of us continuing or us letting go. I’ve been getting used to the idea of us being us for a long time. You make me comfortable which is an easy. You make me feel comfortable in a way that I can easily fall asleep with you. I fall deeper into sleep when you’re holding me, when I can feel your arms around me. I can honestly say I’ve never felt that and I didn’t know that could be a thing. I can’t describe how safe I feel in your arms. But I can’t be the only time that I feel safe. I need to feel safe when I confide in you with very personal information. When I’m choosing to be completely vulnerable, which is not easy for me and not something that I do often. I hate the fact that I’m sitting here and I have to think about a not being a thing anymore. A decision I don’t wanna have to make. I know that I also have to think about my true happiness. Whatever that may look like or whatever that may be. I always thought I’d be the one that stayed. The one that took all of your flaws and help you through them. I can’t believe how yesterday went. I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel completely completely lost and shook. I wish that someone can tell me what to do but The decision Has to be mine and it’s not a decision that I take lightly in any situation in any relationship I’ve ever been in. I know I’ll be OK without you, but I don’t know if I’ll be OK without you. Without hearing your voice at the end of the call. Without knowing that, I may never see you again. Without being able to be in your arms again. I do know that I no longer want a partner that can choose what you chose last night. I also know that I cannot keep compromising how I feel and what I want for myself. I would never ask you to change you are.

#WhatshouldIchoose 

This isn’t how I wanted to spend my day but okay I’ll take it.

I have to do better. I have to be better. Doesn’t really count if I’m not putting my best foot forward. Can I seriously be doubtful  of myself if I don’t actually apply myself. Can I say I actually tried if I really didn’t in the first place. This for the things that I do in order to not fail. But I’m already feeling from the beginning because I don’t give myself the chance to prove that I am worthy. I go into some thing already having the doubt that I’m going to fail, and if I fail purposely and I’ll never truly know what it really feels like if I fail, but I can no longer do this to myself anymore. If I want something, I’m going to have to prove to myself that I’m not worthy. I haven’t been giving myself that chance to fail and learn. I’ve just been cutting myself short this whole time. And I continue to keep doing that. I need to break the cycle. I need to fully put myself into something and do everything that I need to do correctly. I need to stop being this way.

Honestly, I can’t get the thought out of my head about you and her cuddling. You never gave me an explanation as to what the fuck that text thread was about. As I lay here at 1:47 AM, replaying the text I read over and over and over again fucking sucks. How could you both know that you’re in a relationship with someone but cuddle with them? God, my feelings feel so different for you right now. I felt myself falling for you and now I feel different, I see us different, I see you different. I wish you would just explain to me. Explain to me what your period Has to do with it. If she’s sitting on your shoulder, why would your period been issue?  do you not have enough respect for me to not talk to someone like that? I still feel so fucking hurt. It feels like a betrayal. It’s such a fucking awful feeling that I feel in my stomach and in my chest. Feels as if someone took a breath right out of my chest and I’m trying to gasp for air, but the air won’t filled my lungs. My stomach still flips turns and I feel like something bad is going to happen or has happened. I am replaying every moment that we had together thinking about you cuddling with someone else. And if it wasn’t cuddling, why would you call it that that’s an intimate word. FUUUUCK!

I hate that. I feel so different towards you, but I do. I want to tell you so bad, but I don’t know how to say it.  

Why does it feel like you don’t support me and wanting to delete social media? Why does social media have to define our relationship. Why would I have to post anything about us on social media. Why do you care about social media so much? I said I needed a social media tolerance break. You would think you would be supportive of that ! 

Sometimes I really just need to get out of my head! How though? What can I do?

I am so proud of my friend. She’s moving on to bigger and better things. It’s about damn time too because she deserves it. She’s been working so hard to get stronger. There definitely was some times where she was going to give up. This last time she really wanted to give up and not even attend the event she did though in the end she got up and went. She just took this event, as if it was just another work out. She crushed it, she crushed it so much that she got an offer. I am so proud of her, and so excited for what’s to come for her. A part of me a sad; sad that I won’t be seeing her around work, and to be quite honest, she was the only thing I looked forward to. Although we barely work together, it was the hopes that through what we go through on a daily basis with our job I have someone to talk to. No knowing that she’s going to be leaving me for bigger and better things brings up so many different emotions for me. Now when I say that I’m sad, i’m not sad because she got the job. I’m sad because I’m still in the same spot. I’m sad because I still don’t know what I wanna do and it weighs on me heavily. I have people telling me that I should be a nurse, but I don’t want to be her nurse. I respect every nurse that I know and everyone I don’t know because I know what they go through on a day-to-day and especially with Covid being a thing it’s especially hard for them. For any healthcare worker for that matter. The overworked feeling that we feel in the under appreciation for it Starts to take a toll. I know that I want to stay in healthcare because ever since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to help people. My only wish for this world is that so many more people feel the way that I feel in wanting to give it back and wanting to help people in anyway they see fit , but I’m so torn right now because I am upset and I’m sad what a day that I should be happy. I’m also upset because I want to just know where I’m going and be happy with it. I want to make myself proud like my friend feels today . I’m so fucking indecisive. I want to do something that I actually somewhat enjoy. Something that brings me joyy. In inner happiness. How can I know if this path could’ve brought me that joy I don’t, but it was worth trying. And I’m so scared that I’m gonna be stuck in this internal right that I mean the cycle that continues to keep coming on and on. I will never be good enough. I will never make me so proud. I know it’s as easy as just getting up and going to do it, but if I tell you that my inner demons are so much stronger in my belief in myself. And the one thing that I want to do is to be able to vent this to my girlfriend. I know she won’t see the sensitive side of it and understand where I’m coming from and tell me at least something that I just wanna hear just for right now. I know she tells the truth and she doesn’t sugarcoat shit, but sometimes I just need someone to hear me out to feel like they’re in my corner, and they understand That I’m struggling. I honestly just wanna know what would be truly happy and just go for it. I know so many people in my life that know what they want and just go for it and then there’s me. Who am I if I don’t know what makes me happy ? Who am I if I don’t know what I wanna do in life. I’m tired of hearing the bullshit that it eventually comes to me and I’ll fall into it. Well, I’m not one of those people that like to sit in fall into something I’d like to know, I like to be working towards it , I wanna prove to myself that I am enough million more than who I am right now. J, I’m so proud of you and I hope that you kick ass at Academy and you show them why they picked you. She’s gonna do great things girl I’m gonna miss you . I know we should be doing this together like we said we would but I failed and I did what I always do and gave up. But make us both proud. I’m honored to call you my friend and I’m so happy for you. You’re going to kill it , the fire service is lucky to have you!

Dear lady who decided to get in my face at Safeway,

“Your people?!”

My so called people are...my friends..coworkers.. Acquaintances..people I choose to surround myself with and who decides to surround themselves around me. They are NOT a disgrace. “ My people” will go out their way to help anyone in need. My people get mad when someone is shown injustice no matter where they come from or what they look like. My people are educated. Let’s not make the mistake here...I know what you meant by “My people”. The first mistake you made in your moment of a tantrum. I refuse to give you the satisfaction of saying you are entitled because that title was somehow given to you by yourself and yourself alone. You are not and will NEVER be better than me! What you meant was My Heritage..MY Roots...MY Bloodline.. MY Ancestors...Are a disgrace? Because they REFUSE to allow the law that was put into place to PROTECT and serve the community in which they live in, harm those who don’t deserve it. When you feel injustice, do you just sweep it under the rug and go about your life? The fact that you are upset because you now have to see injustice through someone else’s eyes and it’s a heavy pill to swallow. The few to the endless...Madness?! Chaos?! Discrimination?! Hate?! What happened to the values of humanity. Police are Sworn in to protect and serve without bias or discrimination to uphold the law. What’s the point of having laws if not everyone is following them?! We deserve everything that is coming to us?! If you mean peace then yes, yes we do. We have waited long enough for it. We have even silenced ourselves waiting for the times to catch up. The world is so diverse NO one group was placed here to rule over the others. The silence I speak of is allow and yes I’m saying allowing said group to believe they have a hold on us. Enough is enough it’s time we show you just how silent we have been. I have not one hatred bone in my body towards anyone. Just like every single person on this earth we were taught stand up for what is right and what we believe in. Just as you believe you have every right to speak your mind when no one asked. Taught at a young age to have strong pride in who we are and where we have come from. Keep your head down but your hands up. As the human race we are supposed to be superior but we are acting like animals. We are taught whats right and what’s wrong at a very young age. No matter if you were brought up to see color or not. You know right from wrong and humans killing humans is WRONG! When children pick on another child they should not be, we receive a punishment. So killing a human, the word I used was human not black ,not white, not orange ,not blue, not the rainbow..a human it’s wrong! Just as not all cops are bad not all humans that are different from you are bad. Just because people are taking this moment for personal gain and looting and stealing doesn’t mean everyone is doing it. We need to stop placing humans in a box and categorizing them because you don’t understand them but instead educate yourself and if that’s not something you are into then GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS and leave those who want to level themselves up ALONE. Lady, at the end of the day...if you came to the hospital and you needed my help or you needed anything the fact of the matter is. I’d help you and treat you with respect because my so called “people” which is MY Heritage taught me to fear none but respect all! The pledge I took was to care for anyone no matter if they hit me while placing them in restraints to them standing behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said all the things you felt the need to say to me. I would still help! IT’S TIME FOR CHANGE! LETS CHANGE HUMANITY!

I am moving out this year! My home would be a mix between this two interiors, I love the green colours and the woodenflood, but I would add more natural wooden sidetables. I can’t wait to decorate my apartment! 

moving is hard guys, my back feels broken but we finally got the keys and are moving (all my mainly) stuff into our new flat. change is scary and being a adultish is even scarier but i’m ready for this new period in my life. hope you are all having a wonderful start to my favourite month🍁🍂

lil Tonka truck!

What a cutie!!

The biggest mistake I made was believing that if I cast a beautiful net I’d catch only beautiful things. — The OA (2016)

Squad 

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) || dir.: GEORGE MILLER