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Stay

(kaisoo angst fanfiction)

written by: @kaisoosorbet

“It was the first time for weeks, I felt the outside. The weather was cold and frozen. With all those days in that steamy hospital-bed I forgot. The air felt nice and refreshing, but also polluted and strange. I didn’t really know how to feel. Sad, revealed, free, guilty? I felt guilty. A lot. I still do. It’s my fault I lost everything. He lost everything. He kept on losing. His family, that never lost him. His mind, that was full of anger and anxiety. His love for life. And at last, he lost life itself. And I lost him. Even though it’s 5 years ago, and he’s gone, it still feels like I keep losing him every day. To me, the time was unknown. The date, the year. It was nighttime. Dark, cold, unknown. Even though no humans or cars were seen, the area felt loud and uncomfortable. I kept hearing these weird voices in my head, giving me tinnitus and flashbacks. Pictures showing beautiful yet cursed moments of him. Moments of his amazing smile. Moments of his endless ocean eyes. Moments, that used to be the only thing I loved and wanted to see, and it still is. But now, they're only killing me more and more each time they return. He returns. When the flashbacks came back, I couldn't manage to do anything. Anything. I stopped walking, I usually fell to the ground, and I stopped breathing. It was like dying each time they returned, and I was once again teleported to a hell of memories. I wanted and still want to let him go, cause it feels like neither of us has peace and rest, but something inside me, keeps holding onto him. I don't know what it is, but the "real me" kinda holds onto him as well. How will I ever be able to let him go? He's all I have. He's all I need. Or, do I even have him anymore? It feels like guilt, when I think back before the accident of life change. I don't feel like I loved him enough. Or, I did, but did I ever tell him? Did I ever show him? It's feels miserable to love someone, who makes you feel pain, someone who kills you. But it feels earned. Is it my fault, that he's gone? Is it? I love him. I will always love him. I have never ben able to get away with the flashbacks and the pain. The doctors gave me all kinds of pain-relieving pills, but nothing could cure me. It still can't. I just stopped trying. A year ago. After 4 years of trying, it only made everything worse. I can't do this anymore. I never could. I wonder, if I'll meet him in death. I had this nightmare some days ago. Everything was dark and cold. Just like now. I couldn't move, or see anything. But then, suddenly a light was in sight. Small, and pure. I still couldn't move. The light came closer. It was him. Of course it was. Since day one, I've dreamed of only him. He was in front of me now. I still couldn't move, but I cried. A lot. I couldn't talk either. God, he was so fucking beautiful. Indescribable. I wanted to touch him, and feel our love becoming real again. He looked at me for a long time, just staring. I looked strange to him. I wanted to scream how much I needed him. I started feeling a strange pain on my chest, removing the weird clothing. It felt amazingly painful. I discovered a scar on my chest, very small, but as I looked at it, I saw it grew bigger. Blood started to drop. I felt like hell, looking at him again, seeing he was blinking and making his eye smile I always fell for when he was alive and in love. Each time his eyes smiled, the scar grew bigger and bigger. It felt like a thousand knifes. As I was about fall on my knees, I kept on falling in the darkness. He looked at me like nothing was happening. I really wanted to scream and yell at him. I wanted to repeat everything we did. The fights, the nights, the dances, expressing true love. Even the worst days, we called each other terrible things. My dearest. My love. Will I ever let you go?”