I want to have to wear belts cause all my jeans are too big.

I just wanna be tiny. 😢

I need to post some ‘before’ pics. Ugh I hate that I’m back to ‘before’. Trying to max out at 1500 calories rn to start out with. Gym membership starts on Thursday. Wish me luck.

I’m definitely going back to restricting. Like, now. My bf probably wouldn’t have wanted to secretly watch porn if I wasn’t a fat piece of shit.

I’m trying to come back. I gained weight again and now I’m back to my starting weight from last time, and then some. So annoyed at myself.

My boyfriend admitted to secretly watching p0rn (we mutually agree for us both not to) and lying to me about it for months so now I just literally hate myself. He definitely was more attracted to me when I was 53kg than what I am now (68kg 😭).

I’m just a girl, crawling back to ana Tumblr, begging it to pull me back under.

BMI under 20 is what I need to be happy.

What BMI do you need to stay under to be happy?

This feels good.

Am I skinny? Average? Or still chubby? I literally don’t know anymore the body dysmorphia is real. Honest answers only please.

Before and After

67kg vs 52kg.

Ana has left me.

I’m so frustrated. Since lockdown started, and actually a little before that, my drive and commitment to restricting and losing weight has wavered. I still work out every day, but I’ve been eating more and more, breaking my calorie goal every single day, sometimes by a lot. I don’t feel good, I feel out of control, it’s like Ana just left and now I’m screaming inside, wanting that determination back. I’ve gained about 1kg. I need to get the control back. But I don’t know how!

Thighs getting thinner. 🥰

I’m still here. Getting smaller and smaller. 51.5kg down from 67kg.

I’m struggling

I’ve been having some chest pain whilst working out, and then on Monday morning it happened again, I stopped working out and came over really ill, fever, sweating, tingly face and arms, trying not to vomit and feeling like I was close to passing out... So I called 999, who sent an ambulance and I spent the day in the ER getting tests done on myself. It turned out not to be my heart (phew) but they also didn’t have a lot of answers for me. ‘Muscle pain’. Probably mixed with anxiety. But IDK. When you’re on the floor waiting for an ambulance, it sort of gives you some perspective. Mainly that I’m not eating enough and probably doing myself serious damage, since I was back to eating <1000kcal per day and working off 500-600 kcal per day. 

So IDK. I decided to eat 1200 calories for a week, then 1300, then 1400, and eventually settle at 1500, working up gradually to avoid piling weight back on immediately. But I struggled and I’ve been eating just over 1500 calories per day. The more I eat, the more I want to eat, and the worse I feel. 

I’ve been feeling better about my body lately, my stomach is fairly flat, my arms are thinner, I have a thigh gap. I’m 53kg. But I still feel so fat. I decided to wear shorts on my exercise bike just now and goddamn, despite the thigh gap, my thighs are still so jiggly. I didn’t imagine 14kg ago that I would still feel so gross even after losing this much.

So basically yeah, I’m stuck between wanting to eat more so that I don’t literally die, and just wanting to eat less because I was barely losing weight as it was even on 1000 calories. 

It seemed so clear on Monday - things have to change. I have to eat more like a normal human being.

But now? 

I don’t know. 

Thigh gap never big enough.

3.5 months difference.

Before: 67kg (147lbs)

Now: 53kg (116lbs)

3kg left to go.

I’m still here! Weighing in at 52.95kg this morning, or 116lbs! I’m only 3kg/6lbs away from my UGW! Woohoo!