3-20-24

Oh so close.

That was as far as I got yesterday. I had intended to write more but then life and my self loathing got to me. I find myself in a perpetual spin between wanting to create and not having the energy to do anything but eat SHIT food and stare at my phone. Then again that is what my society wants from me at this point. The content that I create does nothing to enhance the overall structure of the world so why bother making it.

Why do I continue to write this same shit over and over and over again in the same way? Do I believe that at some point someone will want to read it? No. I really don't. In fact the opposite is true. Which my journals anyway I have told my family to burn them upon my death. I never want anyone to read them.

Then again I don't even read them. I will go back from time to time to read through something but I do not make it a normal occurrence. Last year was possibly the most eventful year of my life and I would say that I didn't have the energy to write about it even a little. I was spending so much energy just keeping the train on the tracks that there was no way in hell I would have then been able to process what I was feeling in my journal. That honestly brings into question my whole problem with journals written during really desperate times. How do you have the energy to do that? Then again I was not facing total annihilation. My dogs died. That is hardly the end of the world. It was the end of that life though. I don't think I know what my life is now without them. I am going to have to be better with being on my own. My spouse and I are going to have to make an effort to stay connected in each others lives. Before we had the boys and so our lives where connected that way. Now she has her life and I have mine. Other than living together we don't do much together.

I think that is all I have for today. This wasn't a full 15 mins but it was better than I got done yesterday so I am going to call it progress. I need to go read for my WGS class anyway.

3-19-24

And the world continues to spin. That is very hyperbolic for a person that has no real problems. As of right now. My current life consist of going to work 5 days a week and taking care of patients. They are not sick they are just injured. So that much is nice. I am attempting to learn to breath before I panic. This morning when I woke up I looked and was paid for my job and the first 1/2 of the paycheck had been deposited but the bulk had not. So this had happened before and my actual payday isn't until the 20th anyway. I decided not to panic and start reacting but instead see where everything settled. I did and the rest of the funds materialized like normal.

I am attempting to be less reactionary. I am trying to be more centered in who I am and what I do. There is a time and a place for action but that is once you actually know what is going on in a situation and not assuming what is going on. I feel like I do need to keep an ear out for new work. I may reach out to old co-workers and just see how things are going. I'm not sure just yet but it is good to have options open.

I have ideas swirling in my head for things to do in my zombie story but I have not had the time or inclination to implement them. I have an exam due today and I still need to study some more on that. I think I will do fine. I am understanding the material I believe but it is not sticking as well as I would like. Then there is still part of me that would like to learn how to code. I think I will try that during the summer break. Although I should just take some classes at Brookhaven to get them though with as well. I could do the history and language classes there. I think it would be cheaper and easier. I want to get into my creative writing classes but as a sophomore I have a few more credits to get out of the way.

I have not been great on my diet. I have been snacking and I didn't bring anything to eat with me today. So there is some pizza in the fridge so I might just go for that later today. We have a toaster oven here anyway so maybe it won't be so bad. Is 5 day old pizza still good? I am sure it's fine.

As with all of my journaling I will inevitably fall to the video games I happen to be playing at the time. I will be honest as a 41 year old nerd I don't have a lot going on in my life. So I am now working through yakuza 3. I have gotten to the point where I think I am almost to the final confrontation. I am going back and getting all of the revelations that I had missed before I realize now I think I could have gotten them the whole time but this is where we are. Yakuza 0,1,2, and 6 are all on special with xbox right now. I think I am going to go spend 20 bucks on them and play though all of them. I kinda wish there was a little more RPG going on but it's still fun stuff. I have not gotten into the mini games that much but Haruka did just beat my ass in bowling. I will report back later.

3-18-24

Sitting at work and trying to make calls to get stuff done. As usual I am on hold. There isn't really any help at the other end of the phone. I am not really sure what the point is. I have to realize that there is a better way of looking at things. I am going to get everything done and this is not a world that is out to get me it is simply indifferent to me. That is the main thing I need to remember now.

I don't think I have a full 15 mins in me today. I have been doing well the last few days. Which considering the fact this is Monday is really a good sign. Usually when I start a writing practice I will do it for about 3 days and then quit and this time it has been 4 so far. So that is a pat on the back. I don't know if I will keep going with this blog but at least I am trying right now.

I was asked today by a patient if I had an eventful weekend and I have to say no. Not really. I didn't do a lot. I read another story out of the "Out Here Screaming" collection of short horror stories. They are edited by Jordan Peele. I have enjoyed the collection so far. The funny thing is is that as soon as I heard about this collection I was excited to read it. But as always I am cheap and I am definitely not going to pay full price for a hard back copy. That is true of most things. I can't think of a book that I would want to pay full price for.

I had a dream about Ace and Shadow this weekend. I dreamt that we had them cloned and that it worked exactly right. Everything was the same and it was amazing. We didn't have to retrain them at all. Everyone was just alive again and happy. I Know that is obviously wishful thinking. After all even the times I have heard about people cloning an animal they are still different than before because they are a different being. I just miss my boys a whole lot.

We drove to White Rock Lake this weekend to get out of the house a little. I was fine until we got past Half-Price Books. That was when I couldn't kid myself about where we were going. We didn't even take Shadow there all that often. But it was once a week for a little while and I would look in the back seat to check on him every once in a while. I did and on a small level I REALLY wanted to see him in the back seat. I started to cry a little. It wasn't for long but it was there. I didn't want to let my self go because my spouse had already fought back tears on the way there and she was driving so I didn't want to make it worse.

We got to the park and it was a nice day. A really nice day actually. There where a lot of people out enjoying the day. Everyone having their own private moments together. Everyone just out doing there own thing. There where quite a few people out fishing. I found odd because I can't believe that there are that many fish in that lake. My spouse's take was more that she would not eat fish out of the lake due to the number of dead bodies that they pull out of it every year.

My contention with that is just the fact that ever body of water had dead things in it. Water is inherently dirty. It is what grows life and life can't grow in a sterile environment. All fish are surrounded by death and then again life at the same time. I know that there is a lesson in there for me to learn as it pertains to Shadow and Ace. But as for right now I will continue to be sad that they are gone. I will deal but slowly.

Thanks for reading.

3-17-24

It's interesting how when things are mostly running on track how old "friends" will pop up. I have a friend from 2nd grade reach out yesterday. This was probably the first real friend I made when my family moved to Dallas from west Texas. I am thankful for him for introducing me to a lot of things I would not have known about before. I was a country white kid and he taught me about really 70s soul music and weed and women. Well as much as we could know in 1994 as 12 year olds.

He moved in with his father the year after 5th grade. We didn't talk much during middle school and then he went to a different high school. I think. We didn't run in the same crowds by that time. He always had a close relationship with my parents. I am not really sure why. But he feels the need to pop in on them once every few years.

Yesterday was one of those days. I can't say why and I don't really want to know why. I have had a perfectly nice life without him in my life and I think it is best if I don't reach out. It's just strange to me that after thinking for the last few days that no one really reaches out to me then this happens. If this is the universes idea of a joke then ... well I guess fuck me. I don't need his friendship. I have been there and done that. I would prefer not to go down that road again. I know what a night out with him is. I am good and have too much self respect for that.

Well that was only 4 mins so I have another 11 to go. So my plan for this page is just keep typing for at least 15 mins everyday. Rain or shine. That doesn't mean it's going to be good or anything but I would like for it to be at least consistent.

I had an idea of doing a podcast with my wife. The idea is to watch a movie once a month and then record our thoughts on it. It would inevitably be from a feminist perspective since both her and I identify as such. I thought it would be cool to do but she does not want to be on mic and it will feel like a performance. Then again now that I think about it she would not like me writing about our conversation for anyone to read. Although I doubt anyone ever will.

I probably also don't have the time to devote to a podcast as well. That is true. I want to write and that will take most of my time. Or at least it should. I mean I have read more this week than I did last but I need to study for a logic exam on Monday. That will be later today. I think I am going to be ok but I need to run though the transcription and translation stuff again. I don't know if I am good at that right now. I have memorized most of the "formulas" but the translation part tends to be a bit more difficult.

I was able to actually get some writing done this last week. I have been working on a short novel based in the mid 90s and a zombie/cosmic horror apocalypse. I think that is the best way to put it. I have been stuck at one point and it has been a log jam trying to get through it. Most of the characters are established and now all I need to do is start banging them together to see what happens.

We watched "American Fiction" last night and that is why I had the idea of doing a podcast. That is a really good movie. The analysis of the media industry as well as commentary on white liberalism is very good. I enjoyed it immensely. If you have not seen it I would say give it a rent. If you have seen it what are your thoughts?

As always, "Thanks for reading."

March 16 23

Good morning internet. This will be the start of something. I feel like I keep starting time and time and time again. My problem is finishing anything. I guess that is most people's problems but this is special because it is mine. I was watching a YouTube video yesterday and the topic of burr grinders came up. I have had the oxo one for I think about 3 or 4 years at this point. I make decent coffee. I don't go crazy. I have not bought a moka pot yet nor do I have an espresso arm. But this both look interesting. Anyway there was a fair amount of discussion about the fact that you should really clean your coffee grinder once a month. Or at the very least quarterly. This has not been the case for me. I think I have cleaned it maybe once in the 4 years I have had it. So this morning was the day to do it. Honestly it only took about 15 mins. There are not a lot of parts to pull off and clean and it is a rather simple machine. I am looking forward to the next grind.

Another topic of discussion is the slander of a French press coffee maker. Apparently that method is shit and I don't even need a 100 dollar coffee grinder if I am going to make my coffee that way. Well to that I will say. I am going to do what I like how I like and I don't care what the internet says. See I was raised baptist and the one thing that I learned from my time in the church is that you don't take everything that is said as gospel. Only take the parts of a philosophy that you like. The other parts you don't really even need to listen to or even understand.

I am standing at a crossroads now. I have Saturday off and I can read or I could try and write but I also need to study for my next exam in my Logic class. Which if I am being completely honest I can't believe I am doing as well in it as I am. But that is beside the point. I think that the Teaching Assistants are grading very easily right now. So I am hoping I can still pull out an A. I don't know just yet. The information is not that difficult it's just like learning a new way of thinking and writing. I will do at the very least some of the practice problems and see what goes from there.

I don't know if this is really something I just want to have out in the world. After all this is more of a journal entry but then again do I think anyone is ever really going to read this? No. Absolutely not. Not when you can think of everything else you can do and read on the internet. Ok I have been able to write for 10 mins without even really stopping which is a lot better than I have been able to do in a while.

Ace and Shadow's deaths have hit me hard and has made writing difficult. I am not over their deaths but I think I am getting ready to process them through my writing. I have had a few relations die in the last 3 years or so and well they didn't really effect me at all. My grandfather died but I had not been close to him since I was a kid. The same goes true for my uncle Matt. Once he had a wife and kids I was not a priority or even an after thought. Then again upon looking back isn't that the way that it should have been? Why would he hang out with his nephew when he had a new kid to take care of. I just wish that I had... I don't know if I actually wish things had been different. Both Helen and James are dead as well. I believe Covid got them both. Again I had not seen or spoken to them in 20 years probably. I remember talking to James as a kind but short of him buying me a subscription to National Geographic that I never read I don't know how close we really were even when I was a kid.

I did always like his truck though. That one I can say. As a kid I always got the feeling that I was someone to put up with and not someone that my family wanted around. That feeling still holds to this day. That is most likely low self esteem and I can say that all day but no one is calling me to come hang out. Everyone has their own lives and I am not to be involved in them. So here I sit and here I will stay. I am getting better and better with being alone.

Open thoughts

As with most of the writing I put on the internet over the years there will be no real reason for this entry. I have had an open journal at one point. No one read. I have had a blogspot for about a year that I really never updated nor did anyone read. There has to be some sort of setup that I can do that will make it so I will actually keep up with it. Then again there are plenty of people that have been running accounts for over a decade without any feedback from anyone. That has to be frustrating but more likely it is just a part of their daily lives.

Maybe this will start something new for me as well. In the book Writing Down the Bones by Goldberg she says that you should have a 5 or 10 mins each morning just to get the word vomit out. An unconstructed place to just throw everything at the wall without judgement and walk away. That may be what this is destined to become. I would love to do feminist reviews of old slasher movies but I don't know if I will have the time or interest needed to sustain that kind of niche idea.

Is there a reason to write without an audience? I don't really know. There is always a part of the writer that wants others to read their words but alot of times most writers don't get that. We put information out for others to read and most TLDR. So we will just keep banging out heads agains the wall. But that is only if we want others to read what we are writing. If that is never the intention then we can move on. That is not the worst idea I have ever had. But then again that is the same idea that circumstances have brought me to time and time again. I will now embrace the chaos and just start throwing my proverbial shit at the wall. I want to write more and so this will be my brain space.

Read or don't. I don't know if it will be interesting or not. But this is going to be an exercise for me. Words on a screen and stretches for me each morning. Just to give my practice some structure.

The Last Note Found

I don't know if anyone will ever read this. If found please return to my parents in Grand Prairie. I assume if you found my body then you know who I am and where I was taken from. I don't want to go into all of the events that lead me to this situation. I only have so much time and so much paper to write on anyway. He allows me no light so I am writing this all in the dark. I have piecered the paper several times writing to hard. That is another thing my teachers had always said. I talk too much and my hand writing is too hard. I would press the pencil down so far into the paper that even when not writing on my leg at the bottom of a fucking well it would rip through paper.

My problem was not the paper itself it was the noise that the paper and pencil made together. The sound of a lead pencil on paper made and still makes my skin crawl. I could take finger nails on a chalk board all day. But a pencil on paper would scrap and I would jump a mile high. Also the sound of cotton tearing. I think this one might just be about me though. I have never met anyone who feels the same way. And judging by the way you came upon this letter I am guessing I never did.

My days have become very routine. I don'