ihavenoidea37
I have no idea
I write to escape. I don't write for you.
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When’s my expiration date? I feel expired.
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It’s funny how everyone says they’ll be there but when you call no one is there.
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When I hold my breath. When there’s no air coming in or out is when I feel the most at peace.
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I’m suicidal.
Not the kind where you take a bunch of pills or pull the trigger. Yet; I don’t want to breathe, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to be here. I want to live however my mind does not. I want to prosper, my mind wants to sleep. Again another day of the endless battle with myself. I cannot win or lose. There is no place. For this is my fight and my fight alone. Between me myself and I.
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What do you need?
What do you need?
When someone asked people what they needed, I sat back thinking. What do I need? It feels like I need something.. it is always something. Food? No. Diapers? No. Formula? No. Clothing? No. Shelter? No.
So what do I need?
I ask myself this a million and one times a day not knowing. More like not willing to admit, or let go of something. Most of it not knowing exactly what I need or what to ask for.
I have company. I have a family yet I feel lonely. Ive felt this for a long time too scared to admit just in case people will leave out of feeling offended.
But you see its not their fault I feel lonely. I feel lonely because I’m empty you see.
I’m nothing but the shell a hermit left behind. Maybe even the hermit in the shell way too big but failing to find a new shell. I’m trapped. Im something of what I once was.
I lost myself never really knowing if I even truly found myself in the first place. But I know what I am today, is not what or who I am.
So what do I need?
I need freedom. I need my family. I need my sanity. I probably could use some money. But most of all;
I need to file a missing persons.
Who?
I need to find me.
But how do I do that? Where do I start? How do I do it with the people in my life? My daughter and husband are the most important people in my life.
I don’t want to lose them if I find myself.
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