heidi-e - Tumblr blog

heidi-e · 4 years

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I woke with crumbs clinging to my damp skin. Because you always ate sloppily in bed. The blankets were tangled around my limbs. Because you didn’t believe in top sheets. You snored loudly next to me. I hated sleeping with you. You’d stumble home at 5am. Then ask for an omelette and a foot massage. I had only fallen asleep an hour before. Unable to sleep with anxiety over who you were rubbing up against. You took my friends away from me, manipulated me into leaving my family. But yet, it took me months to leave you.

I remember the first time I asked you to leave. You threw a yoga mat at my head. Grabbed my phone from my hands and threw it. I was going to call for help. I was scared of you.

The second time you trapped me in the bedroom. Gripped my neck so tightly I felt my eyes bulge. This time I didn’t try to call for help. I wasn’t scared of you anymore, I pitied you.

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Skin

“Your skin feels like mine.”

I said this as I ran my fingers,

along his black skin,

my fingers white with pink polish.

“Of course it does,”

he was turning toward me.

“Then why do we treat you differently?”

He looked down,

“I do not know.”

“I'm so sorry.”

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #racisim #black and white #blacklove #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Merry Effing Christmas

Too much food and too much chatter

Who decided that stockings or presents even matter?

Too much traffic and too much cheer

Ugh, I really need another beer.

Call me the grinch or scrooge if you must

But every year, Christmas is even more of a bust.

#holiday #christmas #spilled ink #spilled poetry #grumpy #uncle scrooge

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Know Your Worth

My worth is not

found in catering to your wishes.

My worth is not

the balance in a bank account.

My worth is not

phone numbers on bar napkins.

My worth is not

a job that empties me.

My worth is not

the size or style of my jeans.

My worth is not

incoming text messages.

My worth is

the passions I hold inside.

My worth is

things that make me laugh.

My worth is

not

in your control.

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #spilled words #poets on tumblr #poetry #self worth #worth #do you

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heidi-e · 5 years

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“I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm going to do it anyway.”

I’ve begun writing my first novel. It’s been a long time coming let me tell you what. But I've started. I kept waiting for some epiphany to give me the greatest storyline that I could mold into a bestseller. I’m still waiting for that epiphany. But I’ve started. It’s like taking a journey with no destination and without any rhyme or reason as to where to go. I think all the greatest things start this way though. So much of my waiting has come from a place of wanting to be perfect right out of the gate. I wanted this novel to just flow from my mind and fingertips like a waterfall in the rainforest. I wanted it to be beautiful and natural. But as soon as I let go of that, that idea that it had to be easy and perfect or I had no business trying, words did start flowing. I still don’t know what this will grow into, but I know that it has at least been born. peace & love, y'all.

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heidi-e · 5 years

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He tapped her shoulder.

When she turned and saw the face of a black teen,

a pang of fear showed on her face.

With his hand extended, “your glove, ma’am,”

#spilled ink #spilled poetry #poets on tumblr #poetry

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Savasana

Tonight at yoga, my teacher read an excerpt from, “A Life Worth Breathing” by Max Strom. He speaks about how almost everyone can fall dead asleep in savasana despite laying on a thin mat on a hardwood floor. He goes on to say how if we were to visit a hotel room with only a yoga mat on a hardwood floor in the bedroom we’d walk out. But if we practiced yoga, suddenly the mat on the hardwood floor became comfortable enough for a deep sleep. The circumstances didn’t change - but we did. Life situations and circumstances are what they are - they get better when WE change. I needed that today.

#yoga #yogaeverydamnday #savasana #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled ink

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heidi-e · 5 years

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It’s finals week. And I've been doing more writing than actual studying. I love school and learning. But I crave freedom and creativity more than black letter knowledge. The value for me is not in the answers but more in the process and the impact of the journey. My intention was to be a public defender. Yes, knowledge of law is important. But what I think is even more important is the ability to see people. Law school doesn’t necessarily teach you to see a person as a compilation of his/her hopes and dreams and social ties. Instead, a person is defined by an event. But I refuse to see a person as grams of coke or a smoking handgun. I will see a person who’s loved and hurt and endured and fallen. Just like me. This is why I write, the answers my professors are looking for are incomplete. Guilty only tells us that a certain event occurred. Guilty does not tell us who a person is.

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #law school #law #spilled words #defense #onlyloveisreal

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Take your shirt

I used a towel to wipe your cum off my chest,

utterly disgusted.

You’re good looking, have a nice smile,

and god was it good.

But I’m not an object

to shoot your seed upon.

Take your fucking shirt

and leave.

#spilled words #poetry #poets on tumblr #poem #spilled ink #poems on tumblr #spilled thoughts

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heidi-e · 5 years

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She is a person,

the woman with the pimply face

and the fat around her waist.

She was a child,

who used to love her mom’s high heels

and eating banana splits.

She had dreams

of being a brain surgeon

and going to fancy galas.

He is a person,

the man who smells of urine

and sits in the corner mumbling.

He was a child,

who used to love playing capture the flag

and licking the mixing bowl.

He had dreams

of running in the Olympics

and having twin baby girls.

I am a person,

the woman with the few gray hairs

and cellulite thighs.

I was a child,

who used to love playing in the rain

and drinking shirley temples.

I had dreams

of being a writer in the city

and travelling the world.

We’re all just people,

ones with imperfect bodies

and all types of flaws.

We’ve all grown up,

to hate our jobs

and to pretend to enjoy kale.

We all had dreams

that faded away

and were left behind.

#poets on tumblr #poetry #spilled poetry #spilled ink #dream

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Here

Something I’ve realized about myself these past few years is that I am incredibly resilient. I’ve been through a divorce, a toxic relationship, a move states away, and no shortage of financial hardships. Nonetheless, I never stopped moving forward and reinventing myself with every new challenge. I won’t deny that it has been at times seemingly impossible. But the one thing that I’ve kept my sights on, the one mentality that continues to get me through – I’m here. This is so much more than my address, this is my state of mind. I’m here. I’m in this moment, I’m in this place. And this is perfect. The experiences I’ve had have gotten me here, somewhere no other person has ever been and never will be. What I do with my “here” is entirely up to me. I can choose how I judge my “here.” Maybe it’s not how I envisioned it, or maybe I see someone else’s as being much better. But those are choices, they have virtually nothing to do with where I am and everything to do with where I think I should be. There’s a certain power in not knowing exactly where you’re going. If there’s no destination, there isn’t really any rush to get there. Goals are important, but so is failing. Because even failing puts you exactly where you’re supposed to be. Failing put me exactly where I need to be. Failing put me here.

#writers on tumblr #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled ink #failure #here

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heidi-e · 5 years

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Slam

I’m black and I’m poor

Slam

Goes the courtroom door

I just had a few grams of crack

And

Against the cell I’m pushed back

Just tryna make a living for my fam

But

Johnny Law don’t give a damn

~

They say just take the plea

Cuz

Momma can’t pay a fancy dude’s fee

He don’t know my name

Shit,

I’m surprised this lawyer even came

Can’t pay the ten G bail

Ay

For me I guess it’s shittin’ in a pail

~

My son’s turning four

God

I can’t bring money to my girl’s door

Stuck in this dank cell

That

May be one step above Hell

There’s nothing I can do

Slam

I’m black and fucking poor too

#poetry #racisim #criminaldefense #thisshitaintright #spilled thoughts #poets on tumblr

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heidi-e · 6 years

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Law School

Apparently it’s good to have a backup plan. Well this is mine – writing. Currently I’m pursuing Plan A…law school. I’m halfway through my first semester and so far, I like it a lot. But I’m also discouraged by it. I decided on law school because I have an insatiable desire to fight for social justice. I figured that a law degree would give me credibility and also put me in a position where I can influence actual changes in the system. My current end goal is to be a public defender in Cook County. Yes, I want to defend the drug dealers, murderers, and rapists of Chicago.

Law school is discouraging. Not because the work is overwhelming (it’s a lot and sometimes it’s really hard, but nothing that I can’t manage), it’s discouraging because I feel like an outsider in a world that represents everything in my being wants to revolt against. I have fortunately been able to connect with some organizations that align with my strongly held beliefs that our current system is, for lack of a better word, fucked. But largely, I am being taught to conform and uphold a system that I believe does not work. Fortunately, I’m not afraid, nor do I mind, to be the outcast.

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #law school

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heidi-e · 6 years

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It’s hard to leave the dog

She was the one cuddling me at night

Greeting me at the door

Smothering me with sloppy kisses

She was the one who asked for nothing

Giving me instead a love

So unconditional

You

You just loved me when you wanted

And demanded I give my life for you

You ignored my words and emotions

And were quick to lose compassion

Yeah, you tell me it’ll be hard to leave

You’re right

It’s hard to leave the dog

#poems on tumblr #spilled ink #poetry #poem #poets on tumblr #spilled thoughts #spilled words #dog #mansbestfriend #womansbestfriend #breakup

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heidi-e · 6 years

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Run

My tendency is to run

When I’m not happy

I paint a picture

In my mind

Of where I’ll certainly find joy

But that’s not power

Power is staying

Coming to terms

With the bullshit

That makes life hard

And creating happiness anyway

I suppose the irony is

We learn to sit

Before we learn to run

So right now

I must remember how to sit

#poems on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled words #poem #life #running

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heidi-e · 6 years

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Perhaps

It’s a special kind of torture

Being told maybe

Left to wonder

If I do this or that

Could it then be a yes

The lesson though

Is in the waiting

The time before

An answer

Feeling powerless

But finally succumbing

To the powers that be

Letting go

And simply being with

Maybe

#spilled thoughts #spilled words #poems on tumblr #poetry #poets on tumblr #poem #spilled ink

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heidi-e · 6 years

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Panic

There’s something about fear,

Raw terror,

That teaches me.

In those moments when

Life will surely end,

I realize

Who matters,

What matters,

And what the fuck am I doing?

#poetry #poems on tumblr #fear #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #poem #what the fuuuuck

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