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Olivia
In every single meaning of the name Olivia I could only find the word "olive" or "olive tree".
I do not believe that the meaning does the person behind the name justice, because the Olivia I know is so much more then just an olive tree.
To me she is a gift from the universe brought down from the heavens.
Not because they didn't want her, but because they needed to share the wonder of this girl with the rest of the universe. With our lowly little planet.
She is hand crafted by the gods. With sunbeams trapped between her teeth, her smile would blind anyone in her path.
Her palms are made from moonlight, illuminating the stardust of which her fingers are made of.
She leaves trails of stardust everywhere so you could follow her to the ends of the earth and still find your way right back home.
I do not know how we have gotten so lucky that the gods wanted to share the sun, and the stars, and the moon with us, but here she is. A teenage girl filled with giggles, and late night drive through runs.
If only she knew what magic she held. That she is keeper of the lights, and bringer of magic.
She puts the stars in you eyes so you too can see the magic that she has left all around us.
No the name Olivia may not mean "light", but she is so much more then an olive tree.
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I hate. I hate how closer you are with her.
And I hate it even more because we used to be like that.
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Some thoughts and an apology.
I think.... I think you're more of the pray then the predator and I think you know that.
I think you put up a front to make up for that.
I think you've been putting up a front with so many people for so long that you lost yourself and I think you're scared you're never going to find that girl again, but I think she is in fact gone.
I think you wish you were your own person and I think that you hate that you think that.
I think you're just scared more then anything.
I think you believe that shutting down is the best way to save yourself and others, but I think you don't realize the harm you are causing
So with that I would like to apologize to you and I feel that I should have an apology in return, but don't worry I don't expect it from you.
So I am sorry and I don't know if those words mean anything to you but I am going to give them to you.
And I hope... I hope you hold on to them
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Bogdan
His name is Bogdan.
He is a firecracker boy. Spitting sparks when he talks. The kind of fire works you only light up in the middle of no where, so you are the only one to wittiness the beauty.
He keeps his heart tucked away so it won't get damaged by the hand of his own flame, but no amount of hiding will heal the scorched heart he keeps in his pocket
And in his pocket it will stay. Stored away with the cigarettes, guitar picks and lost love letters. Which are all a little burnt from the fires he has started in his past.
Inside though, he is still a little boy who fell in love with the moon. He's just a little older, a little wiser, and a little more self guarded.
He has thought me that if you car doesn't scare you a little bit, you're not driving right and any time after the sun goes down is the best time to get to know someone, and I mean really know them.
Late night phone calls and early morning texts are most of the memories I share with this firecracker boy.
Who has a firecracker heart and a firecracker mind. He can be lit up like that, taking the whole forest down with him in his flame.
Who wouldn't want to fall in love with a fire like that.
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Introductions
Hello.
My name is unimportant, but I will tell you that I have lived on this earth for 17 years and a number of days.
Many of you may not know me. So I am here, standing on this stage, willing to tell you things that is the equivalent to ripping my heart out and throwing centre court for you to all poke and prod at.
Number one
I try my best to listen to my brain, but that doesn't always work for me. So when logic fails I follow the swarm of lightning bugs I have trapped in a cage in my stomach. One might ask "isn't it usually butterflies", to which I would answer, "butterflies are far too beautiful to hide in the belly of a teenage girl".
Number two
I wear my emotions as pants. A pair of jeans that make my legs look longer then life and my ass out of this world. My opinions a nicely fitted blouse, that I usually tuck into my emotions. My heart is always pinned to my opinions. Out in the open so everyone I come in contact with knows my next move.
Number three
I care way too much, trust far too often, and I can assure you that I have a swimming pool full of my own tears in my backyard. For I cry over most thing that happen in this life time.
Number four
Billions of years ago when god snapped his fingers like Thanos and said let there be light, well that is the exact moment I became afraid of change. The atoms that make up me shook and quivered all the way through time until it hit the brick wall that is me.
Number five
I have been kicking and screaming and fighting since day one. Except for when I鈥檓 not, because sometimes I can鈥檛 and kicking and screaming and fighting usually takes a toll on someone and anyone who knows me knows I鈥檓 always tired.
And now to those in the room that do know me.
I would like to apologize
I would like to apologize for being loud in places I should be quiet and even louder in place that I can be loud.
I would like to apologize for never telling you how I really feeling the first time you ask, or the second or maybe even the third. And keeping things so very closely to my chest.
I would like to apologize for following the lightning bugs in my stomach far more offen then I listen to the brain in my head. You see I run with my heart pinned to my chest, and even when I fall and get stabbed with the needle. I will get back up and continue to run.
I would like to apologize for never be on time or even close to being on time. For making you wait or maybe not even showing up at all. Long story short I鈥檓 sorry for wasting your time.
I would like to apologize for stretching myself too thin, but I have an undying need to do everything
And I would like to apologize for sometimes going weeks without seeing you but I promise when I do see you it will be as if nothing has changed.
I need to apologize for these things and so many more, but we'd be here for too long.
So even after I have told you all this, my name is still unimportant to this story and I have still been on this earth for 17 years and a number of days. I have a number of years left on this earth.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is only the beginning. Only the the first half of the big game. Most of the time I forget that this is just the introduction
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Alone
The loneliness came back
the moment I realized you weren't going to answer me.
The numbers got larger as the pieces of you left
and the loneliness came back.
She crawled out of the gutter where I abandoned her last and she found me.
I tried so hard to hide this time.
Hoping your scent would cover mine. Hoping that loneliness would stay back if the space occupied by you.
You were my cover. A secret plan that no one could know about because loneliness might hear us,
but loneliness came back and did what she does best.
She took the space that you left like an old friend picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
Loneliness wiped my tears and handed my another tissue.
Loneliness reminds me that I have lost you, possibly for good this time. Loneliness reminds me that she will never abandon me.
Loneliness says that she are here to stay this time
Loneliness says this as she closes the door behind her.
And I am alone.
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THe NeW viSioN
I am the on coming storm
I am a monsoon of feelings and opinions that will wash over you like the new vision should.
And if you don't like what I have to say then turn off your radio, blast your tv. Walk in blissful ignorance with the rest of the world.
Because this body, this body can not hold all the opinions that I have too share so I will paint them on the blank canvas in front of me.
I will yell from the roof tops, run naked through the streets.
I will not apologize for a single movement I make. Because I have no need to apologize.
I will challenge the very ground beneath my feet and I will challenge the skies up above.
I will ask questions about my own morals and opinions because even I don't fully understand the world we live in yet.
Even when you think you have beaten me. When you think you have silence to me, I will take all the things I have ever written and I will post it all over your white picket fences.
I will march the masses down the beaches that use their words instead of their fists to fight.
So you will have no option but to look at us, to hear us, to hear me
I will be front and centre. Feelings, opinions and all
And I will be screaming at the top of my lungs
This is the new vision.
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And just like that you left.
You slipped through my finger tips like water through the cracks
Back floating into the ocean from whence you came.
Our two worlds were only meant to meet in passing. Only noticed in a backwards glance.
You were born too soon and I too late
for it seems that we should have had more time together
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"He overthinks what people say. I overthink what people do."
- a poem I will never finish
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"You are a shinning star. Seen from all over the universe. The great wonder of the sky's up above. All I can do is admire you from down here where I am stuck."
- A poem I will never finish
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Mistake.
The word left your lips likes sparks from a fire. So easily it all seemed so natural.
Mistake
is what you chose to call the things we do behind closed doors and in hidden rooms. That is the word you chose to call me.
Mistake
is another name I go by now because it was given to me by you.
Mistake
had taken place of all those sweet nothings I held so dear.
Mistake
was there for me in the cold nights when you were no where to be found. Far far away from me and my mess.
Mistake
had wrapped its self around my shoulders and kept me warm at night with the promises you once told me.
Mistake
had a mind of its own now. It has crawled in through my ear and into my brain.
Mistake
is not only my name now. It is part of me. You engaved the word into my skin so I could never forget what you thought of me.
Mistake
is the word you use for us because you are scared to believe that the universe might have wanted this to happen. Wanted us to meet.
Mistake
Mistake
Mistake
Mistake
Mistake
I learnt that when you say a word enough it loses all meaning.
So say my name. Over and over again. Scream it at the top of your lungs until I am meaningless to you. Until I am nothing but letters and sounds.
I am tried of this name you have given me. The name that will now stay with me forever in the scars you left.
I have become nothing more then a
Mistake.
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"So we hide. We hide from the peering eyes and cameras.
We kiss in dark conners and behind walls when we know no one can see the mistake that we are making.
You said this was a mistake. Yet you whisper in my ear telling me to be a good girl as you push me down on to my knees.
I follow the rules of this silly little game because I believe I have found something too precious to let go of."
-a poem I will never finish
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The doctors death
The doctors death was not nothing.
Not peaceful. Not quiet.
But the universe, planets, and stars
All fell silent.
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Fear
Growing up I never understood why everyone was afraid of the ocean.
Maybe it was Poseidon who scare them, God of the waters
Maybe they were scared by the fact that you can鈥檛 see the bottom
or the creatures that lurked under the surface
Maybe they were scared of the storms that could wipe out whole cities and takeout civilization
I could never get my head around the fact that most people were scared of something so beautiful
Scared of something that held so much wonder and mystery
Growing up I never feared the ocean, in fact I long for it
The smell of the salt water, the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore
I wanted more than anything to spend my whole life in and around the water
Maybe I wasn't scared because I knew Poseidon was always there watching over me
Maybe I wasn't scared because I enjoyed the fact that you can鈥檛 see the bottom, almost like you're floating in nothing.
Maybe I wasn't scared of the storms because there was bigger and scarier storms in my mind
Maybe I wasn't scared because there were worse things on land things I was scared of and the ocean was the only place they couldn鈥檛 get it
To me the ocean was my home, a home I have never lived close enough too
But one day I will return and the sea god, the creatures, and storms will all welcome me home.
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The 10 Reasons I fell for you
1. You have almost no style. You wear the same beat up nikes and the same black sweater with camo writing across the front almost every day
2. You are a band nerd, but you're an even bigger jazz nerd
3. You love jazz too much. You pore your heart and soul into everything performance. Your whole face lights up when you're just talking about it.
4. You're secretly really smart. You act like you don't know what you're doing in class, but I see behind those jokes and questions you ask way too often.
5. You are a science nerd. You love bio almost as much as you love jazz.
6. You stay up till midnight every night studying, yet you still mange you text me back in seconds.
7. You have hockey boy hair even though the idea of skating scares you.
8. You once kicked a dodge ball at my face and I cought it.
9. You say you don't dance, but when no ones watching. You can't stand still.
10. You are you. I find you endearing as hell.
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Shitty
I hate feeling shitty, because when I feel shitty or upset I feel like I can't share it with anyone.
Almost like they'll get mad at me for feeling shitty, even thought it's something I can't help.
Especially because I don't really have anything to be sad about and people who don't have shitty lives shouldn't be mad or upset with the cards they've been dealt. Mostly because they've been good cards.
Someone always has it worse then you and that maybe true, but that shouldn't make my pain invalid. For some reason it does though.
So I don't share. I keep quiet and listen to everyone else, because everyone needs someone who will be there for them.
There are those odd times where I do get to share with someone, but I just feel like a burden. Like they don't wanna hear about my feeling shitty, because they feel shitty too and they wanna share it.
So I don't share. I just listen and I take my shitty feelings and I bury them places where people can't dig them back up. No one digs them up though except for myself.
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Validation
Tonight is one of those night where I don't feel like enough.
I don't feel like someone could love me, but I do know there are people who do.
The problem with being 16 and never being in a relationship, you being to ask yourself what's wrong with you.
You start to pick at the small things. Like your weight or hair or skin.
But really none of that matters and teenage boys and teenage girls are stupid.
We're all looking for validation from someone else yet we don't realize we can get that from ourselves.
We think we need someone else to prove to everyone else that we are worth the time and energy to love.
But what if you do realize that you don't need anyone's validation. That your own opinion is the only thing that matters.
What happens when the ones who know they don't need to be loved want to be loved.
They want someone to talk on the phone with for hours. They want someone to hold their hand while walking down the street.
I know I do not need someone else to be happy or to feel whole. I know that I am whole on my own, but....
I want the experience of falling and someone falling back.
Because it is just heartbreaking to continuously fall when there's no one falling with you.
The game is boring when you play by yourself. The game is meant to be played by two or more.
Yet I have been playing on my own. Inviting people to join, but I have been turned down by everyone.
What do you do when you have been turned down by everyone. When there's no one else to ask.
You start to think maybe you aren't worth the risk, or maybe you aren't worth enough.
You start to look for validation from friends who will always give it to you, but that is not the validation I need.
I need the kind of validation that will remind me that I am worth the time to love. I need the kind of validation that will remind me I am lovable.
That I am not cursed to walk this earth alone. While everyone else walks two by two.
I know I should be my own form of validation, but trying to love yourself when no ones has is exhausting.
It is like trying to light a match under water. No oxygen to get the flame started.
I am a match waiting to burn, but there is nothing around to start the fire with me.
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