The bad part about having to start grieving years after trauma is that no one tells you there's a socially acceptable time limit to start feeling and acting better. You can't show that you're upset, because who would understand that you can only now process horrors from the past.

Why can't you do it some other time, when there isn't so much going on? Why aren't you 'over it' yet?

Because that's not how trauma works.

And that's another thing to grieve.

Sitting here crying over stuff that happened decades ago.

Trauma sucks.

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

Having to consciously remind my body to relax is exhausting. Every few minutes I can feel my body start tensing up again.

@ everyone reblogging/liking this: I see you and I know you're working hard, and I'm proud of you.

No one will ever really know how hard we've worked just to be in this world, to undo the damage that was done to us.

But we'll know. And that just might be enough.

No one will ever really know how hard we've worked just to be in this world, to undo the damage that was done to us.

But we'll know. And that just might be enough.

Ghost Of My Ghosts, Sol Rios

We did big and scary things today.

We survived, and we made progress. Another day down and another day closer to where I want to be.

Jenny Holzer, Public Art, Times Square, New York, 1982

clarice lispector why this world: a biography of clarice lispector \\ fernando pessoa i have more souls than one: i see boats moving (tr. jonathan griffin)

kofi

anyone else grieving & mourning & lamenting & kicked apart by nostalgia & going silently about their lives?

I like the atmosphere of napping in the afternoon. When the sun is bright and friendly and the fears of nighttime are far away.

It's the cold, triggering time of year and I keep going between freezing and too hot as my nervous system gets activated by the cold, I panic and heat up, calm the body down, then get triggered by being cold again. Sensory speaking, both being too cold and too hot is shitty, and bouncing between them is worse.

Lot of somatic nonsense too, pain and shaking.

Wow everyone is going through it. Hold my hand

José Olivarez, from my therapist says make friends with your monsters

Having a dissociative disorder feels so weird BC you just kinda go from being super smart and self aware to atfdvbvdf brain melt gfcvhugfc only one brain cell left in seconds

Me, chasing my one working braincell down so I can have A Coherent Thought(tm) My dissociation: jerks it away on a fishing line like a cat toy