Growing pains.

Remember when you couldn't wait to grow up? Oh, I remember, and I recall my mother telling me that I would regret it one day. I do, as I find myself at 17, on the brink of graduation, wishing to turn back time to when nothing truly mattered, to that one memory my mind and soul forever cling to: little Sabrina saying to a camera, "everyone makes mistakes." I wonder why that is the only visual memory I have left of my childhood, but I believe it's because little me knows deep down in our soul that we need to be reminded that everyone will make mistakes no matter what. As much as I wish I could turn back time and stay forever young, the idea of college no longer excites me, and adulthood scares me as I am unsure of what lies ahead. My childlike innocence is something I never thought I would miss so dearly, how high school wasn't the fairytale we imagined it to be. To go back to the simple days of wearing tutus and Converse, and my silly shirts is something one should never take for granted. I would build a time machine to do things differently, but the memories that linger I will forever hold and cherish as I grow into adult Sabrina.

go look at the moon

Joan Baez “There But For Fortune” November 29, 1965—The Big T.N.T. Show (1966).

i think about my fig tree alot since it used to consist of nothing but death and destruction, it’s changed to wanting to become something and i mean actually become a “ someone” i want to become an author and write books about everything i’ve experienced to silly stories i’ve once thought of to publishing my poetry everywhere, maybe even a sociologist, or even a librarian and bookstore owner, i want to travel the world and see every inch of this planet we live on  and so much more maybe a mother one day. Maybe i’ll become it all? but life is so short sometimes ill never know what ill become till it happens so i read this part of the bell jar over and over knowing ill know my green fig tree one day.

“you know how to be alone without crawling out of your skin”

i wish i didn’t know how to be alone, so comfortably. I wish i still felt that sickening feeling of loneliness instead i feel nothing. i’m okay with my own presences, but sometimes i do wish i could feel that sickening feeling once more.

i’m just really sensitive i think and the silliest things tick me off and send me into a spiral and i feel im nothing and im the smallest thing alive. Ill cry, laugh and get oddly upset out of nowhere i cant control it sometimes and i just burst into tears.

laying in some grass with my mini denim skirt and my red tights letting the sun hit my face and kiss my freckles.

Joan Baez "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" BBC In Concert, June 5, 1965.

meditated with an orange, my hands smell like oranges. I never liked the way oranges smell after you peal them and how the smell lingers for time. ate it slowly, and i found a new love, and a gentle affection for all oranges. I understand why so many humans have written about oranges. so many details, layers to an orange. i get why people connect a loved one with an orange.

this morning i bought sotce patron, listened to three of her podcasts mediated with an orange, stretched then journaled and thanked the universe for another day on this planet

i am such a slut for old physical media i love when the newspaper shows up to my house like i collect that shit too PHYSICAL MEDIA WINS MY HEART

days are feeling more and more like rotting in my own sadness yet i'm not sad? I'm actually okay but i find comfort in the bad when i find myself actually doing good everyday.

he is a teenage girl idc

Joan Baez “The Wild Mountain Thyme” Edinburgh, Scotland, October 5, 1965.