deardiaryxo1
Dear Diary📔
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It's finally 11 PM, and I'm ready to switch my phone back on. This has officially been the longest period of time I've been without my phone. To occupy myself, I started watching Vampire Diaries to pass the time. 🧛♀️
I check my messages, and there it is - his reply, sweet and short as always.“ I understand and I will not push you. I am really sorry if I upset you somehow, I hope you feel better soon”
He did not even comment on any of the “I like you” nonsense I written. 🤨
I quickly typed “I am feeling better, sorry I was being weird, had a long day”.
My heart races as I wait for his response, wondering if he will question my sudden change in behavior or what my intentions truly are.
Maybe it's time to put an end to this messaging game and focus on getting to know him in person. After all, he did look at me today 🥹I consider taking a bold step and approaching him on Friday when he's playing basketball. Perhaps I could strike up a conversation or even join in and watch the game. But would that approach be seen as strange? 🙄
“Don’t worry I had a long day too so completely understandable. I still feel obligated to defend myself and say that I am very curious to see who I’ve been talking to these past few weeks :)”
Something weird is happening... for once, I can't find the right words to reply.😩 It's like my brain went blank, and I'm just staring at the wall with my phone in my hand, trying to figure out what to say. It's frustrating!😩
What if I try talking to him in real life?
Tomorrow, if I see a chance, I'm going to casually bump into him or walk past him and say something like, "Oops, sorry! Just trying to get through." Or maybe I could give him a totally random compliment like, "Love your shirt!" as I walk past. It's a small move, but it could be my way of starting a real conversation. 🥹
Now, here comes the scary part... Am I brave enough to do it? I'm so afraid of being rejected or making a fool of myself.🤦♀️
“Next time I see you I will come up and say hi ☺️”
He has no idea that next time is TOMORROW lol
I've already set everything up, including my fresh and clean Dr. Martins. I'm totally planning to wear my leather-look leggings, a rad belt, and my super cool Iron Maiden shirt. I hope he's into that kind of music. 🤨We've never really talked about it before, so it'll be interesting to see his reaction.
The best part is, I don't even have a specific time or plan to see him. It's all about going with the flow and being ready for whatever comes my way.
Crossing my fingers for an epic diary entry tomorrow! Stay tuned! 😍
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After sending that stupid message I couldn't bring myself to check my phone for at least another 30 minutes. It wasn't until I needed to call my mom that I finally glanced at my phone screen.
“You are right, I have a gf but I don’t mean anything bad with suggesting to meet up, sorry if you got wrong vibes from me”
HE IS SO SWEET 😭
Feeling a mix of emotions, I didn't know how to reply. I felt like I had initiated this whole mess, so I decided to be a bit more honest and reveal some truth amidst all the lies.😫 I responded by telling him, "I don't know if you suspected, but the reason I messaged you that very first time was because I liked you. We also had great conversations, and it all confused me. You seem to be in love with your girlfriend, and I'm sure she wouldn't like us meeting. Moreover, the mixed signals from you leave me feeling uncertain. So, to be completely honest, I think it's better for us to stay as we are."
SENT.
AGAIN WITHOUT DOUBLE CHECKING.
WTF WAS THAT LAST SENTENCE 😭
I made a conscious decision to switch off my phone and vowed not to switch it back on until later in the evening. 😫
I wanted to create the impression that his message had not been delivered to me, to give him a sense of uncertainty. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't afraid to lose him and that cutting him off from my life wouldn't be a big deal for me. I also wanted to convey that I might not respond for a few hours because, in his eyes, I could easily be occupied with my supposedly "exciting" life. 😭
I knew this approach might seem manipulative, but in that moment, I thought it was necessary. I wanted to regain a sense of control over the situation and demonstrate that I wasn't reliant on his attention or validation.
Now, as I wait for the evening to arrive, I can't help but wonder how he will react when he sees that his message hasn't been delivered. Will he become concerned? Will he question my interest in him? Or will he simply move on without giving it much thought?
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Today was quite eventful, and overall, it turned out to be a successful day. Let me start from the beginning. I woke up feeling a bit groggy because I stayed up late thinking about various things. One of my late-night activities included googling some weird things, which I found quite amusing. 🤦♀️😅
Unfortunately, my late-night adventure caused me to oversleep, and consequently, I arrived at school late. Being short on time, I had to multitask and do my makeup in a hurry. I knew I wouldn't have time to fix myself up after classes, and I definitely didn't want to risk missing my Prince Charming. 🫠
Speaking of my Prince Charming, during my 10 am routine, I noticed him sitting at a table with his girlfriend, but they weren't engaged in a romantic conversation. To my surprise, they were checking their school books together. I never knew he had such a studious side 😂 He has always had the appearance of a wild child with a hint of hopeless romantic, but seeing him involved in academics was unexpected. 😅
As I walked past them, I overheard him saying, "I will show you; it will be easier once you see me doing it." It seems like he was helping her with her studies. Could he be any more perfect? 😫
FAST-FORWARD ⏭️, after my classes ended, I had to hurry to the restroom. I ran so fast that I started sweating and my makeup smudged on my clothes. Luckily, my dress was made of a material that allowed me to wipe it off easily.
I changed into a new outfit in just two minutes and fixed my hair quickly. My eyeliner had smudged because it was windy outside, so I had trouble reapplying it. I decided to use black eyeshadow instead, and it worked well. I felt confident that I looked good again. 💁🏻♀️
When I left the restroom, I saw him standing by a window, busy with his phone. I didn't know whether to walk slowly and let him see me, or do something to get his attention, it would look stupid though 🥲. I ended up pretending to talk on the phone, walking past him about a meter away. I said things like, "Yes, we can do that tomorrow, I'm free."
I PRAYED THAT MY PHONE WOULD NOT START RINGING.🤣
Surprisingly, as I got closer, he looked up at me while putting his phone away. It seemed like he might say something, like “alright?” but instead just nodded and smiled awkwardly. I wasn't sure if he thought I looked foolish or if he was impressed with how I looked. 🥹
I felt my phone vibrate, but it wasn't a call, thankfully. I kept up the phone conversation act for a little longer, just in case. 🤣
Once I stepped out of the school door and was out of his sight, I finally ended my fake phone conversation and checked my phone. To my surprise, it was him! 😳😱😱😱😱😱😱 He had sent me a message while I was walking past him.
Instead of opening the message right away, I decided to wait until I got home in about 15 minutes. It seemed like a better idea to have a calm and uninterrupted moment to read and respond to his message. 🫠
The message was sweet and short “Hey you, how was your weekend break? Any plans for today?😊”
The last bit got me nervous as I knew where this is all going…. So without thinking twice I sent him “Hi there , i am good thanks :) wanted to ask why do you want to meet up so much? You have gf.”
I SENT IT WITHOUT READING.
I felt a wave of regret wash over me, and tears welled up in my eyes. I messed up so badly. The day had started off well, and my plan had worked perfectly until I sent that message. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. All I wanted was for him not to reply, so I could pretend it never happened. 😭😭😭
But if he did reply, I thought maybe I could salvage the situation by pretending I was drunk messaging him. 🤨The problem was, it was only 3 PM in the afternoon, and it would be hard to pass off being drunk at that time. I felt trapped and didn't know how to fix this mess I had created…. 😫
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It's the end of another Sunday and I must admit, I feel like ranting a little bit more. 🤓
Today was OK, starting with a pleasant morning walk with my best friend and followed by an afternoon spent watching movies. 🍿
It was nice to have some company and distractions, especially since my phone remained silent throughout the day. But I guess that's to be expected since my Prince Charming is usually quiet during the day, especially on weekends. 🙄
A few days ago, he casually mentioned that he would be taking his girlfriend🤢 to some kind of family event. It's no wonder he hasn't been texting much then. I can't help but wonder if his parents like her. I mean, I hope they see what I see - that there's definitely a one-sided feeling situation going on here. 💁🏻♀️
To mask my true feelings and not come across as desperate, I made up some lies about going on an imaginary weekend break lol I didn't want to admit that I had no plans and to be honest meeting up with my friend was a spontaneous decision. She's unaware of my crush, and to be honest, it's better that way.🤣
Another day awaits as I prepare for school tomorrow. It's funny how I already know my routine so well, or rather, his routine. 😅 Around 10 AM, he'll be in the school canteen with his "missy." They often hang out there, sipping on bottles of water but rarely eating any food. There are usually a couple of other classmates present, cracking jokes. But my Prince Charming only has eyes for his Princess. It's as if he doesn't see anyone else in the room. It's strange, though, that I've never seen him smile when he's alone. His smiles are reserved when he's desperately looking at her ONLY 🤦♀️ But, then again, I rarely see him alone. They come to school and go home together, except on Fridays when he stays to play basketball behind the school with a few other guys.
On one occasion, I purposely wandered by the basketball court, attempting to catch his gaze deliberately. But, as always, he remained oblivious to anything and anyone around him. 🤦♀️ It's kind of sweet how dedicated he is to that girl. However, it's also a bittersweet reminder that he's not available for me. 😫
It's pretty amazing how that girl managed to captivate him so quickly. I wish I had her power! 🤣She's been in the same school as me since the beginning, and my Prince Charming is relatively new. He arrived just a few months ago, and they started dating within a month of him joining our school.
I remember his first day when he walked through the school hallways. Half of the girls were swooning over him, trying to catch his attention, while the other half concealed their attraction, either because they were already committed or had given up hope too soon. 🥹
Tomorrow, I will receiving a message around 3 PM. It's usually him who initiates the conversation, but if I notice that his message was the last from our previous chat, I take the lead. Our Friday conversation revolved around him seeking advice on picking out Christmas gifts. 🤣And that’s what I meant when I said our conversations are like besties. He has never flirted with me, so I'm unsure of his intentions when he asked to meet me. Is it because he genuinely believes we can be best friends, someone to help him with his relationships and other decisions? Or is there something else at play? 🥲
It's important not to expect anything from him, especially when I'm tangled in my own web of lies. 😅 I've even kept my picture hidden, claiming that I preferred to stay without one due to shyness. Surprisingly, he hasn't mentioned it at all. Perhaps he prefers to see me in person, although it feels pointless when his eyes are solely focused on HER 🤢in addition, if he found me attractive, he would have surely noticed me on the first day.
Sometimes, I feel like pretending to be drunk so that I can ask him questions that only intoxicated people would ask.🤣 In doing so, I would have an excuse for any embarrassment or regret, as I could simply blame it on being drunk and not remembering. 💡
I've also come up with a final attempt to attract his attention tomorrow. 😅If he doesn't notice me this time, I will accept that it's time to let go. I even have a cute outfit ready, which I will change into discreetly in the restroom after my last lesson. At that time, he usually waits near the classroom next door, presumably for his biology lesson.😀 I will walk right in front of him, making it impossible for him not to notice me. I have my new faux leather dress, fishnet stockings, and my trusty Dr. Martens all ready to go. 💪🏻This should surely capture his attention, and not just his, but others around me as well lol
I lied to my friend on Friday, telling her that I have a photoshoot, to save time and give myself an excuse to change clothes at school.😅 I could have easily come to school wearing that outfit, but the weather is horrible, and I can't tolerate the cold. So, I made the decision to save myself from freezing and wait until after school to make my move.
Good luck Sabrina and YOU CAN DO IT 🥹 as long as I don’t trip!!!!!!!
Anyways , I am off to bed , and before falling asleep I will try and manifest the success of tomorrow ! 🥲🙏🏻
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Dear Diary,
I've decided to start writing a diary here, a place where I can pour out my emotions and thoughts without fear of anyone ever stumbling upon it. 🤫
High school can be such a whirlwind of emotions, and I desperately need an outlet to put my feelings on something 🫠.
You see, there's this guy that I'm head over heels in love with, but he doesn't even know I exist lol
Every day, I see him walking through the halls, he is year older. He's …..HOOOOOOT. 😱😭 But there's one problem - he already has a girlfriend.🙂
It's hard for me to understand why he's with her. She seems more interested in the idea of dating someone as attractive as him, rather than truly being in love with him. She's the popular girl, the one everyone adores. With her blond hair and blue eyes, people say she's the most beautiful girl in school. But honestly, I don't see it. To me, she just looks like an average popular girl from any other school.
It's frustrating to watch them together, knowing that I could offer him so much more. I see the way he gazes at her, hoping to find a connection that seems to be missing. I yearn for him to see me 😭
But for now, I'll keep my feelings hidden, locked away inside the pages of this diary. I'll continue to watch him from afar, silently cheering him on in my heart. Maybe, just maybe, someday he'll notice me and see beyond the facade of popularity.🫠
Anyways, let’s get to the small twist of this all lol {DRUM ROLL} 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁
You see, for the past two weeks, I have been talking to him on Facebook, but there's a twist to the story - he doesn't know it's me. 😭😂
Let me explain.
I created a fake Facebook account, using a different name and all info, and approached him with a weird shit story lol I told him that I had seen him around and blah blah blah and surprisingly, he went along with it.
The chats have been going on for two weeks now, and we've developed quite a bond. 🫠 We talk about our days (as if I don’t know his day 🥲). It's quite amusing to listen to him sharing his experiences, knowing I already have insight into his life.
I must admit, it's become a bit of a best friend conversation, despite the fact that most of what I've told him is a lie.
However, amidst all these lies, there is one truth that I've stuck to - my name. I may have created a fake persona, but my name remains unchanged. Perhaps it's because deep down, I believe that honesty should be at the core of any relationship, even if it's built on deception.
I find it intriguing how easily we've formed a connection, despite the dishonesty that lurks behind every message. We seem to have a lot in common, and it's effortless to keep our conversations flowing. Yet, there's a part of me that wonders how long I can maintain this charade without it coming crashing down. 😫
I can't help but wonder how he would react if he discovered the truth. Would he be angry, hurt, or understanding? Would he appreciate our connection enough to overlook the lies I've told? It's a risk that I knowingly took, but now it keeps me up at night, wondering about the potential consequences. 😭
As the days pass, the situation with him becomes increasingly complicated. It seems that he is eager to take our online connection to the next level, suggesting meeting up or casually saying hello in person. This puts me in a precarious position, as I am torn between maintaining the facade and coming clean about my true identity.
Whenever he brings up the subject of meeting, I find myself crafting feeble excuses to avoid the situation. 😩 So far, my excuses have been successful in diverting his attention away from the idea. But deep down, I know that this cannot go on forever. Sooner or later, I will have to confront the truth and make a decision about how to proceed.
Maybe I am selfish but let me say one thing - whatever is going on is better than nothing 🥹
Yours sincerely,
A Hopeful Hearty
#dear diary#diary#personal diary#my diary#tumblr diary#thoughts#daily journal#mindfulness#self reflection
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