Celebrating Meira's 1st trip around the sun was amazing. We laughed , we ate, we smashed cake and we toasted to 1 year of parenthood! Our little love had a great time and we thank her amazing village that showed up and showed out for her day! #parenting #1stbirthday #girlmom #girldad #happybirthday #lovemylife https://www.instagram.com/p/CkEvN97uhLW/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Meira and I attended her first bday party yesterday and my baby had such a great time! From the walking tacos, to giant games and even a bounce house! Happy birthday Ahny!!! #babyparty #10monthsold #motherhood #colorparty #browngirlswhoblog #smiles https://www.instagram.com/p/CiXq9d4O2ND/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

I want to enjoy everything I'm life as much a Moonie enjoys @chobani Greek yogurt lol #chobani #babiesofinstagram #blw #brownbabies #parentsoftiktok #parenthoodmoments #motherhood https://www.instagram.com/p/ChlKDWMun7k/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

One thing bout me I'm gone breastfeed this baby lol. I'm like Dr. Suess with it. I will breastfeed on a train, on a plane, in a boat, carrying a tote! Lol This journey hasn't been easy but whatever yours looks like your doing a great job ! Happy #worldbreastfeedingweek !!! #blackwomenbreastfeed #breastfeedingmama #breastfedbaby #fedisbest #latched #bonnetchronicles #babybonnet #brownbabies https://www.instagram.com/p/CgzZgdmOJys/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

It's been such a wild ride but my little #moonpie is officially 6 MONTHS OLD! She is an absolute joy to everyone she meets. 🥰🥰🥰 This little one loves @iamtabithabrown and watches #TabTime religiously, loves savory foods, and is still a MILK MONSTER! LOL 🍼🍼🍼 Her dad and I can't wait to see what she does next and as long as she keeps her amazing smile we know we are good! #babiesofinstagram #6monthsold #mommyblogger #firsttimemom #girlmom #brownbabies #tabtime #contentcreator #babysmiles https://www.instagram.com/p/CcssX9DOpCJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

This is my scar. *** This line is a daily reminder of the moment my daughter entered the world and will be with me forever. This mark represents 27 hours of natural labor, mass amounts of lost blood, half a dozen position changes, internal monitoring, and the loss of my entire plan for birth. These few inches tell the story of my daughters journey to us. Her heart rate dropping, my blood pressure spiking, and the race of 5 doctors into my room saying we have to get her out now! *** I was scared for her more than myself, and looking into my husbands eyes, I prayed that we both made it home when it was all over. *** I am 1 in 3. I am 1 of over a million women who will have 7 layers of skin, muscle, fat, and organs moved, cut, and separated to bring my child earth side. My story is one of love, sacrifice, extended recovery, and pain, but I would do it all again to bring my little light into the world. *** Some say cesarean section isn't "having a baby," but tell that to the countless number of us who tell this tale. It wasn't my plan. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't what we dreamed, but it's OUR WALK, and we are PROUD of it! *** Happy C Section Awareness Month to all the mommas out there that put it all on the "line" to birth their beautiful babies! #csectionscar #csectionmama #cesareanawarenessmonth #csectionbirth #motherhood #birthisbirth #birthisbeautiful #contentcreatorsofinstagram #blackauthorsandwriters #blackmotherhood #womenslifestyle #womenwhowrite #womenshealthmatters https://www.instagram.com/p/Cb0PX0zujEX/?utm_medium=tumblr

Pov: When mommy and daddy stayed up talking about some guy named Chris getting smacked and you have to watch #tabtime alone 🤣🤣 🤬🤬🤬 #fedup #rbf #unamused #babiesofinstagram #beautifulblackbabies #memes #5monthsold #daddyduty #daddyslittlegirl #contentcreator #mommyblogger #chrisrock #willsmith #academyawards https://www.instagram.com/p/CbqIT8buOpC/?utm_medium=tumblr

In yet another first I took my love bug to the park today to welcome in spring with her cousins. In true #futureinfluencer fashion we pulled out this adorable bow from @zeanieb ! My little #Moonpie was so excited to wear this comfortably fashionable piece and I can't wait to get more! Click the tag to check out this amazing #blackownedbusiness today! #womeninbusinesss #femaleentrepreneurship #blackwomeninbusiness💜 #babyfashion #babybow #fashion #headwear #browngirlswhoblog #brownbabies #ad https://www.instagram.com/p/CbYl1ihuZSB/?utm_medium=tumblr

So yesterday I had a #momguilt moment. It was supposed to be a mommy and me trip with my village and one after another my crews kids ducked out on the trip so I was the only one bringing a little one. I asked my crew if I was the "party pooper" because we rarely have us time and I had to bring Meira. Their responses "Girl please that means we can pass her around " "That's life it's no big deal" "We been bringing kids everywhere for 12 years you good " " Get over that you breast feed and a #sahm this is normal" The replies lifted my heart and reminded me how important it is to have people around you that love, support, and encourage you at every step in your journey. From #breastfeeding in the food court while we laugh , to teaching me the art of off season kids clothes shopping and sales I am so thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I am new to this life and wouldn't trade it for the world and having them by my side as I navigate it is the biggest #MomWin I have! #sahmlife #motherhood #firsttimemom #motherhoodcommunity #blackmotherhood #girlmom #breakingthestereotype #village #contentcreator https://www.instagram.com/p/CbXfwKrO8Xr/?utm_medium=tumblr

Today my little #moonpie did a thing! She has been hinting at being ready for more than just #breastmilk so following her lead we began our research for the best possible product for her. I plan to make our own food but finding an instant option was also important. We settled on @happyfamilyorganics Quinoa and Oats for her first meal and it was a hit! She loved the taste and we loved the ease. A scoop of the instant oatmeal and a little breastmilk and our little honey was in heaven! Thanks @happyfamilyorganics for being a safe product my family could trust! #babyledweaning #organicbabyfood #healthyfood #infantnutrition #firsttimemom #mommyblogger #motherhood #firstbaby #infantino #babygirl #babiesofinstagram #happybaby (at South Euclid, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CaNPns8O8lY/?utm_medium=tumblr

This is what my Postpartum depression looks like. *** It looks like smiles, and laughs, kisses and hugs. *** It looks like joy and warmth, abundance and light. *** It looks like all of those things because it is. It's every one of those words and more. It's struggle and sadness, frustration and pain. *** It's #Motherhood. *** Click the link in my bio to join me this week as I dig into the realities of my #postpartumdepression journey. I say it out loud in case you can't. Just know we are in this together... 💕 #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthbloggers #mentalhealthwarrior #motherhoodblogger #motherhoodcommunity #ppd #contentcreatorsofinstagram #askforhelp #therapy #blackmomsblog #blackmama #mentalhealthadvocate (at South Euclid, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CaFb9tCu1RC/?utm_medium=tumblr

This is day 100. ... 100 late nights. ... 100 early mornings. ... 100 days of the ultimate skin to skin. ... 100 days of eye contact that grew from a glance to recognition and a smile. ... 100 days of feeling my breast swell at the sight, sound, and smell of you. ... 100 days of wet shirts, stained sheets, sprayed faces lol , and hot showers to relieve the pressure. ... 100 days of hoping you get enough, praying my diet is good enough, staying sober , and cracked sore nipples. ... 100 days of nourishing you. Sustaining you. Literally giving a piece of myself over and over even when I think I have nothing left. ... You made me a mommy 100 days ago and that day I learned in more ways than one God gave me a body that can work miracles. You teach me patience, grace, love and mercy. HAPPY 100 DAYS to the little hand on my chest we're doing it little one.... 💞💞💞 #breastfeedingmama #fedisbest #breastfedbaby #postpartumjourney #newmomlife #firsttimemom #blackmotherhood #blackwomenbreastfeed #blackbreastfeeding #mommyblogger #photooftheday #babiesofinstagram #babyphotography #blackandwhitephotography #contentcreator #100daysofhappiness #womenslife #bloggermom (at South Euclid, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CZaK15kuFTD/?utm_medium=tumblr

Generational Curses: Breaking My Invisible Chains

Generational curses - 5/15/21 ( 16 weeks pregnant)

When I first wrote down this topic my intention was to write about all the things that I would do differently. I planned to talk about how I will educate my child, to discuss money from a position of wealth and continual abundance not poverty and misfortune. I planned to discuss the nuances between single-parent homes like the one I grew up in and two-parent households, I even planned to discuss the differences between being in my 30s and not my 20s having my first baby.

Then this past week I had a breakdown that had been bubbling at the surface for weeks. The sobs that wrecked my body late into the night let me know that my biggest generational battle wouldn't be poverty, education, or wedlock. It would be worthiness. Let me explain, my husband and I are best friends. We laugh and roast each other without fail. Any given time in any given location we poke fun at each other. Since getting pregnant my insecurities have been attempting to swallow me whole. My every fear has been front and center and my ego nonexistent. This became an issue when my always joking husband took a shot at my weight. Now I know what you're thinking,” please tell me he wasn't cracking fat jokes with a pregnant woman!”Welp! yep, he was and it sent me into a tailspin. My daily pics of myself while he's on the road felt like proof that I was an unattractive Michelin man, my two brownies felt like eating my feelings instead of satisfying cravings, and the baby bump I am now sporting felt like a chastity belt. I was crushed. He assured me through my tears that it was a joke but the fact was I was damaged by it. It brought out inadequate feelings I didn't know I had and prompted unhealthy behavior in an attempt to control the growth of my body and the most uncontrollable time.

Then came his objections to our babymoon. His logic was sound as I won't work for quite a while so lavish vacations aren’t smart but coming off the heels of "belly gate" it felt like rejection. Sprinkle in his joke about me not being a “real” mother on Mother's Day because the baby isn’t born yet and my fertility issues and prior loss had me verbally saying, “I am not worthy.” I felt like a fraud in my happiness, unworthy of any compliments, love, affection, or well wishes. I felt embarrassed by my every post, smile, and hand on my belly photo. He apologized and said he didn't realize his jokes were cutting so deep because we always say rude stuff but more than his comments these situations and my body nearly breaking down let me know that the curse I had to break before bringing my daughter into this world was the cycle of unworthiness that I currently find and have found myself in.

From watching the women around me deal with mistreatment from men to my own father never showing me that I'm valued and important, to my abusive first marriage where I was reminded daily that love absolutely had conditions, and if I wasn't willing to absorb all of it I was weak and undeserving of care, I realized that the biggest curse that I can pass on to my daughter would be the idea that my worthiness was up for debate. The idea that other people get to dictate what I'm deserving of and the absorption of those ideas into the fabric of who I am as a woman. The worst thing I could do for her is show her through my own actions and lack of healing that she needs permission to feel good about herself in any situation. In this break down I realized I have to put down the weight of my grandfathers’ lack of respect for my grandmother, shrug off the abandonment of my father with my mother, overcome the damage of my sisters, aunts, and friends and heal the wounds of a society that tells me only at certain times with certain permissions am I elevated to a place of deserving love, care, and basic respect.

I have to do this for my daughter or she will carry the bags that I am so desperately trying to put down. I have to break the ties that bind me the version of myself that cries in a corner waiting for someone to say I matter and daily choose to put the me that is smart, beautiful at ALL sizes, caring, funny, determined, and healing on display. I must show my daughter what an empowered, black woman looks like when she puts the love she has for herself first and demands nothing less from those around her. Generational curses leave us stuck in the dark and like my beautiful baby girl-to-be’s name (Meira ) I must give an unending light for her to follow every day of her life. I will be healed FOR her not BY her so that I can stand strong with her as she faces challenges of her own. I will not leave my traumas at her feet and proclaim her my saving grace. Instead, I choose to face those hurts so that she may never know my traumas as her own burdens like so many little girls that look like her. I won't bleed my experiences and biases into her as much as I will pour abundance, and self-love into her. I'm fighting for myself so that she never has to fight for us both and I'm determined to win.

I’m scared…

Is it OK that I'm scared? 3/28/21

Anyone who knows me knows that I have wanted a child for so long. After my first marriage ended and my previous miscarriage I began to think maybe motherhood would never happen for me. Marrying a man that couldn't care less about having a child compounded the idea that maybe I would be the fun aunt forever and I was OK with that. As much as motherhood was a dream my life without it was good. Then that second line appeared. First I was excited and then the fear began. I'm not talking just, " I want to be a good mom ", or "do we have enough time and money " fears which are normal. I literally began to fear everything. Suffering a prior loss due to my own body, with added anxiety sprinkled in, plus my body doing these unknown and unexpected things, and everything sends my heart racing. Every trip to the bathroom I am checking for blood, every stomach ache I am praying my baby is OK, and every moment I am worried my baby will just vanish. Crazy right? Then a trip to my midwife confirmed that the racing heart I was experiencing could be due to the fact that I had chronic high blood pressure. Being an African-American woman and a healthcare professional I am painfully aware of the implications of that diagnosis and it oh scared me even more. I immediately made diet changes, quit one of my multiple jobs, and set out to simplify my life so afraid that once again my body would cost me my dream. I'm so afraid of that feeling of doom and failure that comes with loss that it literally consumes my day.

So let's talk solutions. Step one be merciful. I've realized I have to give myself some grace and mercy through this journey. Forgive myself for it all, For the worry, for the previous loss, the health issues, all of it. The second and most important step is to get help! The biggest mistake I've made in the past is embracing this superhero complex and thinking I can handle everything on my own. I like to believe that I can do it all alone including heal but the reality is I can’t. Coping in a healthy way has never been my strong suit and knowing that means I need to seek out a professional, be it a support group, counselor, or therapist that can help me navigate my fear, insecurities, and pain and help guide me towards the healing will be essential. It is needed so that I am not passing this pain, worry, and trauma on to a child who doesn't deserve it. I've decided to participate in centering at my midwives office which is oh a group setting with other pregnant mothers do around my time where I can be honest and talk about what it is that I am feeling. I’ve also signed up for a program with Nurse Family Partners which will provide a nurse to do home visits for the next 2 years to help with mental health, nutrition, and so much more. These resources among others are just some of the steps I am taking to make sure that I have the specific support I need.

Oh, The last step for now I think is this. Writing. Sharing. Embracing my audience and my supporters. My village is so crucial and does not just include my family and isn't limited to just raising a child. My village is so vast and utilizing its generations of experience and resources will be key in my growth and I know that. I pray my journey, honesty, and platform influences someone out there. I want other women to know they are not alone in things that they experience and the scars that they have. Nor are they isolated in their need for healing. I love you all and I'm grateful for the chance to support and chat with you…

This is week 12 lol. 🤣🤣🤣 Sitting up at 345am watching @shangchi as though she is much older and it's a much more reasonable time of day. I would love to say how much we've grown and how successful tummy time is and a the things a smiling happy momma says but reality is I'm still sleep deprived, my daughter hits and scratches when I don't feed her fast enough, I haven't combed my hair all the way through in a couple days and like always my shirt smells like sour milk lol. 🍼🍼🍼 Motherhood is beautiful. Full of laughs and smiles but it can be brutal too and I'm learning that, that's okay to say. It's okay that I let my 12 weeker watch #Marvel movies and she likes it. It's okay that while she eats I eat often dropping whatever I am inhaling onto her body somewhere. It's okay that I sing at the top of my lungs while she cries to keep from crying myself. It's all okay because those moments pale in comparison to the sheer joy my #moonpie brings to my life. She is growing, thriving, and surrounded by love so everything else is okay 👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾 #mommyblogger #motherhoodunhinged #honestmotherhood #fourthtrimester #breastfeedingmama #blackmama #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthbloggers #blackmomsblog #contentcreatorsofinstagram #motherhoodthroughinstagram (at South Euclid, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CY-ETCfuW4S/?utm_medium=tumblr

New Toy Alert! Lol Meira is constantly on the move learning something new everyday and a huge part of that is tummy time! Thanks to her God father @torriereeves my little #moonpie has a great new #TummyTime toy to add to her collection ! . . . This @vtechtoys 3 in 1 Tummy Time Roll a Pillar is absolutely amazing! It has sensory toys , fun sounds, a mirror and more! Meira loved it so much so played and passed out #MommyWin 😆 To get your little one this cool toy click the link in my bio to see this and all the other #ProductsWeLove ! #mommyblogger #contentcreatorsofinstagram #melaninbloggers #babiesofinstagram #tummytime #sensoryplay #momsofinstagram #amazonfinds #amazonaffiliate https://www.instagram.com/coffee_with_mom/p/CYuGxwIuEcX/?utm_medium=tumblr

My #moonpie and I had such an amazing day yesterday! We got dressed ( which we don't do often lol) , and headed out for a girls day gift exchange with my village and when I tell you the energy was amazing it literally was everything I needed! 💕💕💕 As a mother and as a woman sometimes I forget how important positive female energy is. To take my daughter and spend time with women who have know me over a decade and have them love on her and me in such a safe space where we laughed, reminiscenced, prayed, and filled our cups in every sense of the word was so necessary. 💕💕💕 I want her to grow up knowing the value of a strong village of women and yesterday was definitely a start. I love them for how they love me and seeing them love my baby embedded them even deeper into my heart.💕 **** Oh and P.S. look at my baby smile in her turban #fangirl #motherhood #womenslifestyle #village #positivevibes #mommyblogger #contentcreatorsofinstagram #babiesofinstagram #beautifulblackbabies #girlmom #cartersbaby #2monthsold #brownskingirls #breakingthestereotype #blackauthorsandwriters #motherhoodcommunity https://www.instagram.com/p/CYhOlTlOMLA/?utm_medium=tumblr