Sometimes I would give anything to just have one moment back with her

Alone in the End

It’s just me in the end

It’s just me in the end, the loves of my life will have but gone from me. Our society builds movies, memes, and media around the base idea of love, happiness, family, and a strong relationship that you can depend on. We have stories of communities coming together to make the world a better place or to help a member of their community. However, none of these movies, or media reflect the broken bonds of true society today. We have a society of the broken-hearted, the strong will survive, the cheated on the lied too, painful traumas, the discarded, the rejected, the abandoned, and the abused. There is no happy ever after anymore, there is only look at what I survived. There are no dreams that can be fulfilled. The pain and trauma of life today leaves us to question is did you survive or did that portion of you die.

Society has become jaded and selfish. The instant gratification has taken over the mindset. The if you can’t give this to me, I will go to someone who can. The I am going to get mine because that is how everyone is now. The ones who manipulate for gain. Love is no longer to be trusted for it could just be another manipulation. For those who chose to not participate they get used and destroyed then discarded as though their value is only dependent on what they could provide. Only valued for what someone can use them for. It is no longer about making a connection filled with meaning and building on future goals together.

There are the ones that love with their whole self. The ones who do love openly and honestly and give everything to the ones they love. They support, build, heal and carry the one they love through whatever hell comes. They protect and provide. These hearts are the warriors the one that will stand in-front of the flame even as they are stabbed in the back by the very ones they protect.

Then there are the ones that only love the way that they are loved by that one. They drain and take in as much as they can. They continue on feeling empty and lost because they don’t give of themselves. Love has lost so much meaning it saddens me to the core. People feel so lonely and lost.

I believe part is society is to blame. We no longer need to keep close to the members of our community. We can let our bad ideas travel to all parts of this earth right at our fingertips. People no longer need to stay and work things out. They just escape to the one they think will be better for the time. No one stays for the rebuild, no one stays to heal with the one they are with. So, no healing happens, no closure is gained. Ghosting become the norm that we experience in the end. This leads to the passive aggressive memes of I didn’t need you anyway and survival mode continues. No accountability is accomplished and then at the end of the day we stay alone. We live in our heads even as we reach for approval over social media and validation for our feelings. It’s empty validation with no real human connection. So, we push away the real human experience and live in our medias or whatever escape we can find.

I wonder what if anyone truly understands the whole of this picture and the direction we are moving. What happens when the lights dim and the night of our life comes, when we find our last moments? Who will you be swiping right or left to then? What posts will you be making to try to find that missing human connection. What instant gratification will hold your hand at your last breath? What money or material thing will you embrace with your last breath? Will your phone warm your hand?

I cannot believe that we don’t see how this world has changed to such a degree that no one is safe from the destruction of this lifestyle. Greed has outweighed the people. Escape is the main source of freedom. Selfish need to get instead of giving leaves the world and the people feeling empty.

We have whole parts of society in suffering and screaming out for help because the greed of others has crippled them. We have whole parts of our society screaming to just be accepted for who they are. We have whole parts of our society underappreciated and treated less then what should be freely given rights. No one should have the power to decide on another person’s happiness. No one has the right to decide on what is best for another. When you decide for another human that your opinion of what they need or what they are allowed, you are taking on the idea that you have any understanding of their life and their journey. You do not understand their life I promise you. You also do not have any right to judge or decide on someone’s else life or their value. You only live from your perspective and are not capable of understanding where they come from or who they are.

I used to have such strong faith in the true human nature. I would call myself a humanitarian because I had faith and hope in people. I believed that even though some do wrong it wasn’t by choice. I believed that at the core of people was the desire to do good. I believed that as we all make mistakes, we still were either just doing what we could to survive or just doing our best as we grow and learn.

We have evolved together on the backs of our care and love for each other. We survived by building strong communities that protected, provided, and educated each member. We used to build each other up and take care of the people. We had learned so much as a society and made some real strides in gaining understanding. We were growing and learning. However now I believe we have long since past the point of building and reached a point destruction. Everyone is out to just get what they can for themselves and fuck the rest it seems.

The trends I see are a dangerous and should be noticed. When all the memes are about survival and being the warrior to survive this life. We are no longer living we are just surviving. Any animal on our planet that I have seen living in only survival mode take on the ugliness that comes with no security, safety, and nowhere to trust. There is no beauty in survival. It’s a dark nature that puts on the edge walking tightly taking and using any means to make it to another day or provide for our children. All animals including people cannot thrive in survival mode.

We have a society of people enduring trauma after trauma. We have addictions running through all walks of life in every form. Addictions taking loved ones away from those they love because they cannot endure another second of their own trauma. So, it spreads to everyone they love in many forms of abuse and abandonment. Our children are struggling to be heard even in their homes. It scares me every day to see the impact this society has as I watch more and more disconnect and more shut down. This world is crying out for help, but no one can hear it past their phones or other escape methods.

We as a society were given a chance to change a chance to rebuild however instead I watched more how broken we have become. Covid took us all by surprise but what did we learn? All our issues were thrown directly at our feet. The failures and cracks in the foundation brought to light. However, it was ignored. I have seen more divorces, more breakups instead of breakthroughs. People struggling with priorities and work becoming a stress within the family home. Placing strain on all relationships within families. Parents could have reconnected with their families and their children. However instead of rejoicing in the time given to hold their babies, they complain of the strain and constant needs of their children and the constant conversation. They found the children and their spouses in the way of their important meetings. They struggled with the needs of the family. They fought with their spouse or did anything to escape. We turned on the ones we love instead of turning to the ones we love for support. There are always exceptions I myself enjoyed my time with my family as I am sure many did but the trends for the mass population speaks loudly for itself.

No matter the cause of Covid be it the consequences of an actual mistake or the conspiracy of the government to control society we all still had to live through it. We all still were left to follow the rules and regulations put upon us and stayed within our homes. No one escaped this time no matter if we believed it or not. This was our chance. However, it seems everyone was so stressed on how to get back to our regular lives that we let the opportunity to make true change slip away.

The chances to make change could still be possible but we have many points of failure it’s hard to organize anything. It’s overwhelming and hard to handle for anyone. Our society as a whole has lost so many fundamental values. No one is hearing anyone’s voice anymore instead just trying to be the loudest voice in the room. We don’t have discussions to learn new perspectives, people instead just talk to push their own agenda.

We used to be able to rely on our friends and family to sensor our bad ideas or our bad nature. Our friends would correct our dumb idea and it would go no further. Instead, now we just go to the social media and build whole pages of people that will back these ideas instead of correcting our thought process. Then we wonder why people have lost touch and how these ideas grow.

We have a government that at one point did stand for the people but has lost track of how to stand for the people. People have lost the fact that we are supposed to be supported by our government because it is supposed to represent the ideas, interests, and values of the people. We have the power to make changes to this world. It doesn’t matter on what party you feel you are a part of. This is about the people and how we need to build our people back up so our choices of leaders and decision makers can match the people’s values. I have yet to hear someone say how they feel they are supported and that they are represented. It has turned more into who is the lessor evil. Who won’t mess up my income, who won’t try to take my rights away? This is not how it is supposed to be.

Then we have the people that want to have America great again. This mindset does not acknowledge that part of the problem with that thought of going back to society as it was didn’t work. Not only did it not work it was part of the path to where we are today. Was America really great before for everyone or just you. The idea of ever controlling or suppressing any members of our society is a very old and outdated idea. Each member of society should be valued and allowed to same respect as every single member of society should be. No one has a right to control or make decisions for another human. This is basic respect and should be ingrained and a foundation of a society. So, believing in the past as the good old days is a silly notion as people only have their own personal perception of what the good old days means. Getting America back does not support or represent all of society. We have made many great strides to move past this closed mindset, so this is no time to move backwards in thinking.

To further this I find one thing to be more frustrating. Women of history that we celebrate and identify as the great women that paved way for our future and our rights. These women were put up against so many trials and painful fights. Facing the society as a whole that did not support their idea. Here is the thing when these women were pushed to the point of theirs back against the wall they chose to rise and fight to get what is rightfully theirs. A right that should have already rightfully been theirs and should be respected as well as recognize. It’s in that fight that we finally give them their recognition. However, in the same note when a man does something brilliant that he did not have to work up hill to achieve, but instead was given the resources and support of the community and with very little effort sometimes just a signature required of his attention. We celebrate him as a hero without question and recognize the brilliance of his works. Not my point here in this but something that I think should be noticed. We shouldn’t have to fight to just accomplish simple rights and then again have to fight to be recognized as the person that made that happen.

A change that I feel should have been examined is education. We no longer put value in our education system and teachers are no longer supported by the communities they work within. I believe we should put more value in all of education. We should allow teachers to actually teach and feel supported. We have continued to dim down the value in educating the people. We have changed standards to teach less and less. As the students continue to not be able to meet certain standards made by the government, we have dumbed downed our curriculum to make the difference instead of having the freedom to teach at a pace that makes sense for the students. Teaching has changed to not meeting the needs of our students and our future. Instead, it is we must meet the needs of our testing and regulations set by officials. We have parents that only see the grades but don’t understand the material being taught and don’t trust the teachers. We treat students like they are on a conveyor belt making stops at each station to add information in and move to the next step. They have no ability to retain as what it taught is just to regurgitate back onto a test. No ingrained life lessons or things that build a better understanding of how to build a life for themselves.

This does not service anyone and has put our society into the situation we stand in now. When people don’t understand how our government works, how society works, how to manage money, or make life choices that they are presented. We have created a mass ignorance that has stopped us from growing and evolving. People have no foundation to stand to make choices to better their future and then they rely on others to help them make these choices. Some of which is on social media that is controlled and bought to push their agendas. This further suppresses the people into submission. We do this instead of trying to learn what is going on choosing to escape because they feel powerless and incapable to understand what is going on. They don’t have the resources to learn and don’t know where to go to get the resources. What little resources there is out there is hard to access with too many hoops to jump. It isn’t a herd of sheep following the leader it’s a mass suppression of education that keeps us in this state of being.

People don’t feel like they can fight back because they don’t understand what they are fighting. People don’t have a voice because they don’t know how to form an opinion on the subject. They lack real factual information and lack the ability to understand the information that is given. They feel powerless and unmoving and worse, yet they have the medias that continue to distract and hide the facts. All in means of greed.

We have lost core values in one another and the ability to have empathy. In today’s society people assume the worst of anyone instead of seeing the struggle and offering to help. They judge and decide for themselves that they are better. There is no helping hand, there is no one you can count on. Trust no one is has become a common phrase.

Single mothers trying just to survive after their whole life changed is open for judgement. It’s people watching waiting to find you at fault instead of asking if you’re ok. They wait for one faltered step to prove their point. People don’t go to their neighbors and ask for flour. We don’t answer a knock on the door with openness. We are a society living in survival mode and it is not pretty, it’s messy, it’s painful and it’s a manic state that needs to stop.

I fear for my children’s future as many moms I know are fearing just the same. The breakdown of relationships and family is at the bedrock of it all. We have lost empathy and putting value into our homes. The failure in relationships is become so extreme and more noticeable since Covid. Relationship failure between spouses as they could not escape each other. The discovery of spoused cheating and the pain of losing. What happened to putting the time into the one you love. The grass is only green where you water it. Love and relationships need fed to thrive. Where you put your effort, energy, and investment in is what will thrive. You became a couple for a reason, but you stopped feeding that relationship and then it killed what you loved about it. I find it surprising how many believe that their significant other has changed, and they aren’t as funny, fun, or loving. Well, what happened? Did you leave all the burden of the household on them? Did you leave the planning and mental strain for them to figure out and just follow where you were told to be? Did you leave the housework, the bills, and the endless paperwork all in their hands? Then distance yourself and never give affection and praises. Did you stop investing and communicating? You fell in love with the same person they are today but decided that they had to manage it all and continued to take the life and light from them. Using them till they no longer shined as bright. You changed not them. The way you treat and investment you make and the way you treat them reflects in the way they interact with you. You are seeing a reflection of your relationship you created. When you choose to lie and hide it kills the light in that person. If you want someone to be the light and be who they are that you fell for, you feed that love not just take. Otherwise, you eventually leave because they have changed. Much to your own regret as they slowly rebuild themselves without you. Only then to realize what changed is the way you treated them and the way you loved them. Or they finally give up and stop the fighting, stop talking, stop explaining, stop trying, and move on. They realized as you continued to abandon and ghost and refuse to be who you said, they learn they did not need you. You gave them the room to see they have been doing it all on their own anyway but now they can do it on their own in peace.

I don’t have all the answers and I never will. I am very small to this world I know. My opinions are all my own and my conclusions are mine to hold. I wish for better future, and I have room to grow. I will make mistakes and maybe posting this is one of them. I am far from perfect and hope to never be perfect to everyone as that would be an impossible notion. I have many things that have impacted my journey in life and experiences that have built who I am today.

Many times, I feel I have a million regrets and wish I could change my past actions. However, in the end I have grown from these decisions and shown accountability for those I have hurt. I have built an understanding of people and empathy in the situations that drive them. I have built boundaries with room for mistakes to be made on my part or the part of others. I have learned that my depths of care and love for people is my asset. I have given my power to few and been hurt and drained but survived those moments. I have decided to not let someone take from me my success by their beliefs in my assured failure in their eyes. I choose not to be held down or held back but only to grow and learn from all sources of life. My focus is building a bright future for my children and myself. I want a better future for our society and a stronger accepting community. For those who want to be a part of my journey I welcome you and love you all. For my friends that have stayed with me through thick and thin I appreciate you more than you know. To my rooftop talk friend I miss the depth of our conversations. Thank you all that have read this rant. Not sure where it came from. I honestly have had so many things happen in my life recently that I have gained more perspective in my understandings.

How do you stop responding?

I have found myself looking for answers everywhere and landed here. I fell in love before I knew what I stepped into. I didn't know she was a narcissist. Everything was so beautiful to begin. She was perfect for me in every way. Now I have learned she is programmed on what to say. In the beginning there was many warnings. She said things like that is against the rules. Does she actually keep a set outline of rules? I wonder what those rules include. I know one it is to trust no one. Why have me love her when she knew she would never stay? I find myself ghosted now most days. The more i learn it is about power and control. What power can you really gain keeping another person this way. I wonder what made me such a easy target at times? If I am no longer of interest why keep holding the string? A hey babe here or miss you there. Currently trying not respond but knowing I will in the end.