burkedeboer - Tumblr blog

burkedeboer · 6 years

Text

I Look For Trouble

4 M, 1 F.

Blake Bartels is soon to be the first in his family to graduate high school. When he goes to his sister’s trailer to deliver the news, he encounters the rodeo cowboy she’s been hooking up with - as well as her boyfriend who’s just broke out of prison.

In one of the many trailer parks on Oregon’s High Desert, Lacy Bartels’ singlewide is about to get very crowded.

This piece was written in the fall and winter of 2016/2017. Full text below the break.

The unkempt singlewide trailer of LACY BARTELS, 23. Her hair is kept in boxer braids. She sits at the folding table in her kitchen, in a busted sort of chair, working on a two stroke dirt bike motor. She drinks beer. There’s another chair at the table, empty, with a leather jacket draped on it. On the back of the leather jacket is a big biker gang sort of back patch. “APES OF DEATH” across the top, “CENTRAL OREGON” across the bottom, sandwiching a cartoon baboon riding a motorcycle and swinging a scythe. Across the room, a barstool is duct taped onto a chair, jutting out in an improvised sort of something that renders both seats unsittable.

(A call from outside.)

BLAKE Y'ello?

LACY Blakester! In here!

(Enter BLAKE BARTELS, 18. He packs a skateboard.)

BLAKE What up.

LACY What up yourself. You want a beer?

BLAKE If you're offering.

LACY I believe I just offered. So what’s up?

BLAKE Maaan... I got some good news.

LACY Yeah?

BLAKE What are you doing next Friday?

LACY Same thing I do every Friday. Work and party.

BLAKE Well between those two, if you think you can fit it in your schedule... I'm walking at graduation.

LACY Get out.

BLAKE I won't.

LACY Get the fuck out!

BLAKE Motherfucking graduating!

LACY Holy shit! Gimme a fuckin' hug! Blake Bartels is gettin' himself a degree!

BLAKE Holla atcha boi!

LACY I'm hollerin'! I'm so proud of you. For real, I'm so proud.

BLAKE Thank you, thank you.

LACY Damn. You making announcements, right? Invitations and shit?

BLAKE I don't know about all that.

LACY Oh you got to. Send them out to all the aunts and uncles. They send you back a lot of cash.

BLAKE If that's the case.

LACY And they gotta send you more since you're the first in our family to ever do it.

BLAKE Is that the rule?

LACY Hell yeah! That's the rule for the graduation party, give you at least a hundred bucks or they don't get in.

BLAKE Hell of a cover charge.

LACY Shit, you earned it. And you're gonna have a graduation party too, by God.

BLAKE Only if you plan it.

LACY I'm not planning shit, but you are having one.

BLAKE You know you're gonna have to quit telling me what to do once I get this diploma.

LACY Bullshit. Even if you have a fancy paper, I'm still the oldest.

BLAKE Yeah but that fancy paper gives me a leg up.

LACY We'll see about a leg up. Ben has a leg up, with all his concrete money, but I’m the boss of him too. You know what, yeah, you’ll get a leg up, all right, when I fuckin’ pin you.

BLAKE Give me as much time at the mill as you've had and you won't.

LACY Okay. No. I'm gonna stop you right there. Nuh-uh. Not happening.

BLAKE What's not?

LACY You and that mill. You got a fucking degree, Blake, you're not going to any veneer plant. And you’re not working concrete with Ben either.

BLAKE What am I supposed to do then?

LACY You're gonna go to college, for one.

BLAKE Ah, fuck that.

LACY Well you're gonna do something. You're too smart to end up here. You've got that goddamn paper to prove it, too. It's gonna say "This diploma goes to Blake Bartels, smarter than all other Bartels before him, and too smart to end up working on a fucking gluepress. Or whatever the fuck."

BLAKE I mean... Sure, I got plans. But I'm done with school, like I've had enough. I’m gonna get me some skating sponsorships.

LACY X-Games and shit?

BLAKE Something like that.

LACY I can dig it. Aim for the stars. Even if you don't make it that far you'll land some place better than here.

BLAKE You don't like Redmond?

LACY I love Redmond. But you are not me.

BLAKE We're not that different.

LACY We're not different at all. You're just smarter.

BLAKE If you say so.

LACY I do! And you’re not gonna do none of that Apes of Death shit either. I already told Hunter flat out. You are not allowed.

BLAKE Like I’m into motorcycle stuff anyway.

LACY Yeah. Yeah, good. And here’s the rule: If I see you come drop off your application at that front office I'm kicking your ass.

BLAKE Lacy.

LACY Hey, I'm not saying you can't do it. If you do end up working with me, or at any other mill, fine. But just know. Before you start your first day, I'm kicking your ass.

(Enter MANNY LOPEZ, 26, from the bedroom. A broad-shouldered and strongly built rodeo cowboy. He is barefoot and barechested. He looks at LACY. Looks at BLAKE. BLAKE looks at him, then looks at LACY.)

LACY All right, I’m gonna go see if the Husqy will start now. (She takes the motor and exits. MANNY takes her seat and pulls on a shirt. An awkward silence.)

MANNY Congratulations.

BLAKE Thanks.

MANNY You know, if you can balance on a skateboard you can balance on a bull.

BLAKE What?

MANNY (He goes to the barstool contraption.) I’m just saying. Rodeos can have a big payout. (He sets to practicing bulldogging: He drops in next to the stool that juts out, swings his right hand onto the other side of the stool with the palm out as though to grab the body of the steer, then swings his left hand up as if over the saddle horn. His two hands then slide up to grab the “horns” of the stool and he swings his feet behind him, taking the chair to the ground. This action is very sudden and explosive, but very studied and deliberate. He sets the chair back up. He continues to repeat this action.)

BLAKE Oh, ah, nah, I’m not really into that redneck shit.

MANNY Redneck? No manches, man. Es ranchero. Cowboy.

BLAKE Well rednecks and cowboys, they’re kind of one in the same.

MANNY No mames, güey, quit playing.

BLAKE What are you doing?

MANNY Practicing. For bulldogging. I need to shave time off if I hope to make the finals. I’ll tell ya what I really need is a new horse. I keep jumping the gun and breaking out of the runway before the steer does. That’s a penalty. Or I get going too late. Keep missing points, man.

BLAKE I’m sorry.

MANNY Mm.

BLAKE So are you and Lacy--?

MANNY Don’t gossip about family, primo.

BLAKE I’m not. Just asking. ‘Cause, you know, I thought she was with Hunter.

MANNY Yeah well Hunter’s in prison and a woman has needs. Not that you want to know that about your sister.

BLAKE Eh, we’re all adults. MANNY “Adults.” Fuck that. If someone told me my sister had needs, I’d punch ‘em.

BLAKE So you want me to punch you?

MANNY I told you no manches. Quit playing. I’ll tell ya what though, if I don’t get to Vegas for the Finals, this fall I’m going up to Washington. They have apple orchards and pear orchards for miles. Every fall a big harvest. Good money. You should come.

BLAKE Yeah?

MANNY Hell yeah. Good money. Not as good as rodeo money, but if you’re not into redneck shit…

BLAKE Yeah, not really.

MANNY I’m telling you, Blake, rodeo makes good money. Especially bull riders. Belt buckles, cash prizes. And all the cowgirls all over you, man. Ay, las chicas. Las vaqueras son muy calientes en sus Levi’s. ¡Cómo los jeans cuando abrazan a un culo! Y tè echan los perros, y dicen “¡Bailemos, bailemos!”

BLAKE Sorry man, I don’t speak Spanish.

MANNY What the fuck, is that what you’re gonna tell ‘em? ...Cabron. I will teach you how to talk to girls in Spanish.

BLAKE Oh, yeah, thanks.

MANNY I’ll be your Cyrano. Your fuckin’ Rodeo Cyrano.

BLAKE Yeah, like I said I don’t speak Spanish.

MANNY Man, you get to Vegas you can win a million dollars from one ride. One ride, win a cool million. If you can balance in the halfpipe you can balance on a bull.

BLAKE That’s what I’ve heard.

MANNY You do have some start up costs, I won’t lie to you. Do you have boots?

BLAKE Like cowboy boots?

MANNY …Yes, Blake.

BLAKE No, I don’t have any.

MANNY Okay. That’s a chunk of change, just getting boots. I might have an old pair. Then you got your bull rope, helmet if you choose to wear one, a hat if you don’t. Most white guys wear helmets these days. You also need to get your vest, glove, boot straps, and rosin.

BLAKE Well I don’t really have the cash for all that.

MANNY No problem, boss. I’ll front you all the cash. No problem. Just loan it to you, you can pay me back, 30%.

BLAKE Thirty -- You know loan sharking’s illegal, right?

MANNY Quit playing. I need to buy a better horse. All there is to it, I need to save up some money, make some money. I need a better horse.

BLAKE Well maybe Washington apple money will get it for ya.

MANNY Mm. Mhm. You know the first time I went up to one of them, I’d been working on a ranch down outside of Jordan Valley. It was a buffalo ranch. There were some white boys working, and some immigrants, but mostly it was us Chicanos. Now the BLM, they’re a bunch of fuckers. Trying to get between a man and his land. “Are you using water right,” “Are you grazing right." Bureau of Land Management. Bureau of Assgrabbing Horseshit, I say. Bunch of government putos from the fucking government de la chingada. You know what they started doing?

BLAKE What’s that?

MANNY They started coming onto the ranch asking for documents. Anyone who was brown they tried to kick us off. Federal fucking government came asking for my passport, I told ‘em “Shit, motherfucker, I’ve never been outside of this country.” Me and this older Chicano, name of Diego, him and I decide “Fuck this.” He’s old as hell, he tells me about the Washington apple fields. So we go. We work until our first place is done, work until our second place is done, keep working ‘til we get every apple picked. Could make about a hundred dollars a day doing that shit, I mean we’re rolling in it.

BLAKE Why’d you leave?

MANNY Why else? Time passes. Things change. You can’t pick apples in winter. So we went back to the buffalo ranch.

BLAKE Huh.

MANNY Yep. Then Old Diego fell off the barn we were thatching and cracked his head open. Never saw brains like that before. (Outside, a motorcycle starts.) Mierda. (He goes out the door.) ¡Mi estrellas! ¡Tu pinche moto funciona! (BLAKE watches him go. The motorcycle is heard driving away. BLAKE sips his beer. He goes back to the chair and picks up the jacket. He observes the patch. He flips it on. His back to the door, he kicks his weight back onto the tail of his board and kicks the nose up. Standing such, he finishes his beer. KENAZ BEN CANAAN, walks up to the steps. 28, with an edge about him - both in how the world sees him and how he sees the world. He wears a long sleeve plaid shirt over his t-shirt, and has chains and bandanas hanging around his pants. He observes BLAKE.)

KENAZ You know you’ve got to earn them colors, right?

BLAKE (Pops the board to face KENAZ.) Hey Hunter, I- I, uh… (He tries to get the jacket off as quick as he can.)

KENAZ Calm down, kid. I’m not looking to start a tummel.

BLAKE Start a… Yeah.

KENAZ I don’t mean you get to keep it on.

BLAKE Oh, right, no. (He takes off the coat and extends it to KENAZ.)

KENAZ Lacy home?

BLAKE Nah… Nah, I don’t think she knew you were out yet. She didn’t say anything about it.

KENAZ Well, she wouldn’t know, as little as she visited me.

BLAKE Oh. Uh, Lacy was just working on that Husqvarna, got it running. So that’s where she’s at, she just, uh.

KENAZ She’s always been a real Yiddisher kop when it comes to motors.

BLAKE Oh… Yeah.

KENAZ This is some welcome wagon.

BLAKE Well, no, it’s great to see you, Hunter, I-

KENAZ All right, that’s enough with the “Hunter” stuff. That’s not my name no more. In fact… (He pulls up his jeans and gets a flick knife out of his boot. He takes the jacket and cuts the nametag off from beneath the VICE PRESIDENT tag.) I'm gonna have to talk with Mad Dog about getting a new tag printed.

BLAKE Oh… What’s your name?

KENAZ (Tucks the knife back into his boot. Offers his hand.) Kenaz Ben Canaan, nice to meet ya.

BLAKE What was that?

KENAZ Call me Kenaz. It’s Hebrew. It means Hunter. In Hebrew.

BLAKE Word.

KENAZ How old’re you these days, kid?

BLAKE Eighteen.

KENAZ Eighteen. You think you’re a man?

BLAKE Uh…

KENAZ Yeah, I did too. Thought I was a man. Thought I was a big tough man. I didn’t know. I didn’t have a clue what being a man actually meant. I should have been here for you, Blake. I should have seen you grow.

BLAKE That’s okay.

KENAZ I don’t regret it though. If I hadn’t gone to prison I wouldn’t have found the truth. Kind of funny how life works, right? You have to go through the desert before you can get to Yisrael. If I never went to prison, I would not have realized. “A man does not commit a transgression unless the spirit of madness is entered into him.” Yes. I always knew I was thirsty, Blake. I never knew I was thirsty for God’s flowing waters. I always just thought I was jonesin’ for H. (The dirt bike’s approach is heard. Both turn towards the door. BLAKE turns back to KENAZ.) That must be Lacy.

BLAKE No! Uh, no, I’m sure it’s not, probably not, I mean she just left.

KENAZ Well if she was just going around the trailer park it wouldn’t take long.

BLAKE No, please, sit down. We’ll, we’ll make it a surprise for her! So stay here and I’ll go… Just stay here. (He rushes out the door.)

KENAZ …Okay. You got it. (He goes to the MANNY’s bulldogging contraption. He stands over it. Then he picks it up. His brow creases.) The longer I look at this the less I know what I’m lookin’ at. (LACY enters. The two of them look at one another. Pause. KENAZ drops the practice steer and goes to her, but she avoids the hug.)

LACY Hunter. What are you doing here?

KENAZ I have returned to my homeland.

LACY They didn’t… You’re… Did they release you?

KENAZ No. No, Lacy, they did not release me. But He did. The eternal He. I surrendered my soul to Him and, Bezrat Hashem, I was guided to freedom. I am as Yona, who repented in the sea beast’s belly, and was vomited by the fish.

MANNY (OffStage) Let go of me, Blake! I’m gonna kill that fucker!

BLAKE (O.S.) No no no, wait!

LACY So you found Jesus in prison? KENAZ Ohh, Lacy. Far from it. Yeshua was a great philosopher, yes, but not Mesheach.

LACY I don’t know anything you’re saying.

KENAZ Well let me explain it to you.

MANNY (Storms inside) ¡Ay, puto! Are you Hunter?

KENAZ No.

LACY Manny, wait.

MANNY Then who the fuck are you?

KENAZ Who the fuck are you?

MANNY I’m Manny.

KENAZ And just who are you, Manny?

MANNY Wh-- What, like existentially?

LACY Hunter, I think it might be best-

MANNY So you are Hunter! Well fuckin’ news for you, there’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is me.

KENAZ Lacy-- You haven’t been-... Have you?

LACY Hunter.

KENAZ Oh my God. While I suffered and yearned…

LACY Let me just lay this out.

KENAZ You don’t need to lay nothin’ out. I get it. I fuckin’ get it. You… You Delilah. I knew it too. I fucking knew it.

LACY You weren’t due out for another five years! I told you when you went in, I’m not waiting seven years at my fucking window.

(BLAKE enters, hanging up his phone.)

KENAZ Aw Jesus Christ.

MANNY You gonna unclench those fists, or are you gonna use ‘em?

LACY Blake, you should go.

KENAZ Nah nah nah, no one’s fucking leaving here.

MANNY You’re wrong about that, son. You’re leaving, soon as I boot you out that door.

KENAZ Stay the fuck back! (He pulls the knife from his boot.) Yeah, all right. Get away from the door. Everyone, get over there. LACY Hunter what are you doing?

KENAZ Stop calling me Hunter!

BLAKE That’s not his name anymore.

KENAZ That’s not my name!

BLAKE His name is Kenaz now.

KENAZ My name is Kenaz!

LACY You fucking broke out of prison and you come to my trailer to hide out. You want to make me a felon too?

KENAZ You’ll only be a felon if I get caught.

LACY Bullshit, I won’t be a felon if I don’t hide you either.

KENAZ Lacy… I’m your boyfriend!

MANNY No you ain’t.

LACY Manny.

MANNY Don’t “Manny” me, Lace. I want you to choose, right now, me or him.

LACY Let me handle this.

MANNY This psycho who hasn’t been here for you, for years, who’s holding a knife at us, or me?

KENAZ Yeah I’d like to hear that too.

LACY Hunter, listen-

KENAZ Fuck you! Don’t call me that!

MANNY Don’t tell her to fuck you, you fuck you!

LACY Manny-

KENAZ You slut.

LACY Hunter-

MANNY Lacy you need to choose, or I’m bailing on all a’ y’all.

LACY Me! That’s my choice! That’s what I’m always gonna choose! I’m the only one who’s always here. At the end of the day, when the prison’s in Pendleton, and the rodeo’s in Pocatello, or some other wherever the hell else that ain’t Redmond, Lacy Bartels is the only one looking after Lacy Bartels.

KENAZ Everyone take your phones out, throw ‘em on the floor.

LACY No one’s gonna call the cops anyway.

KENAZ Come on now, empty ‘em. (They do.)

BLAKE Don’t worry, I already called Ben. He’s on his way.

LACY Hey, all right. We don’t call 911 but we do call family.

KENAZ Then I’ll gut him too when he gets here. Just gotta figure which one of you motherfuckers is first.

MANNY Why don’t you try to start with me? Come on, I dare you.

KENAZ The slut fucker himself, why not?

LACY I’m about to-

KENAZ Shut the fuck up! (He strikes at her with the knife, missing, and catches her with the side of his fist on the comeback. A fight ensues, in which MANNY should use his bulldogging contraption as a weapon and BLAKE uses his skateboard. But ultimately, consistently, KENAZ kicks ass. At the end of it, LACY’s on the ground, BLAKE’s been flung, and KENAZ holds a knife to MANNY’s throat from behind.) God damn it! You see what you made me do? You see what you made me do, you selfish bitch?

BLAKE Hey, hey, Kenaz, let’s just calm down.

KENAZ You two stay the fuck away. Don’t make me spill the beans.

MANNY Puta muy pinche--

KENAZ What was that?!

MANNY (A grunt of a whisper as KENAZ pulls the blade tighter.) Ay, chingada…

LACY Okay… Okay, please put the knife down.

KENAZ This son of a bitch has no respect for my woman! Why should I have any respect for him?

BLAKE Kenaz, please-

KENAZ Shut up Blake!

LACY Just calm yourself-

KENAZ You go to hell! You cheating whore, you go to hell! This is all your fault, so you just go to hell!

(BEN BARTELS enters. 21, the definition of built like a brick shithouse. He wears work boots and a Ford t-shirt tucked into his Wranglers with a massive belt buckle. Everyone stops and looks at him.)

BEN Now how am I supposed to fuck this heifer?

KENAZ Stay the fuck over there, Ben.

BEN If you want me to stay over here the first thing you gotta do is put the knife down. The second is you gotta quit cussing at me. The third is you gotta walk your ass over here ‘cause it’s getting beat one way or another and I don’t care what side of the trailer I beat it on. How you doing Lacy?

LACY I’m okay.

BEN My sister’s okay. That’s good news for you, now I might not break both your legs. How you holding up, Manny?

KENAZ Oh I’m gonna cut this beaner’s throat.

BEN With a knife like that you couldn’t cut baling string. Not a day out of prison and you’re so scared of working for a living you want to head back.

KENAZ Keep talking, Ben. You’re next on my list.

BEN Next? Why aren’t I first? I guess you have been in prison awhile if you figure giving a reach around is a fight. Why don’t you quit hiding behind Manny? Come get a taste.

KENAZ I’m not hiding nothing.

BEN Everyone knows that if it wasn’t for the assgrabbing you’re giving my friend Manuel right now I’d be giving you your own jawbone for a hat.

KENAZ You want me to cut his throat.

MANNY Chingaaa-

BEN Quiet, Manny! This is between myself and Hunter.

KENAZ My name isn’t fucking Hunter anymore! I’m Kenaz! I’m Kenaz!

BEN Oh shit, so you go to prison and join the Nation of Islam.

KENAZ It ain’t Arabic! It’s Hebrew.

BEN Hebrew? You’re Semitic now?

KENAZ When you convert to Judaism you’re considered to have always been Jewish.

BEN I know you, and you ain’t Jewish. If I cut a duct opening into a concrete wall it does not stand to reason that that concrete wall has always had that duct opening. So you can’t pretend to be tough anymore, they must have found you out. Now you have to pretend to be Jewish?

KENAZ I’m not pretending! I’m not!

BEN Man, back in the day folks used to be scared of dudes who rode motorcycles. But you’ve all done so much meth and heroin that you got so damn skinny I could pick any of you up and slam the guts out of you just like field dressing a snowshoe hare. You can’t tell if someone’s in a biker gang or just got out of Auschwitz.

KENAZ Don’t joke about HaShoah! BEN I don’t think I’m joking about it because I don’t know what that means. You gotta quit pretending with this fake Jew stuff, I can’t keep up.

KENAZ It’s not fake! And I’m not pretending! I’m not! (Shoves MANNY to the side) Come on, motherfucker! Come on!

BEN Come on? Your face, is that what you want? (KENAZ charges BEN, who smacks him upside the head. With the single hit, KENAZ sprawls across the floor. Everyone is silent for a moment.)

BLAKE Yeah Ben!

BEN I did not think that would work at all. (MANNY scrambles over to KENAZ and starts pummeling him.)

LACY You’ve always been a good bluff, Ben.

BEN Yeah, well.

LACY Manny.

BEN Come on, Manny, get off the poor boy. (He takes MANNY by the back of the neck and guides him off KENAZ. Calm and gentle, yet forceful. KENAZ lies sputtering on the floor.) What do we wanna do with him?

LACY Dump him off at the cop shop.

BEN Wanna file a report? LACY I don’t want to talk to police any more than I have to.

MANNY Well I’m filing a goddamn report. I don’t care about you guys’s “Don’t call 911” whatever.

BEN You wanna take him in then?

MANNY Yeah, I’ll take him in. I’ll file the report. I’m suing this pinche culero. Get ready to pay for my new horse! Fuckin’ moto puto bitch... (He picks KENAZ up, wrenches his arm behind his back, and the two exit, MANNY muttering. The three siblings look at one another. BLAKE sighs, BEN cracks a grin, LACY shakes her head. All react in their own different ways that are somehow the same.)

LACY I better go ahead and go with ‘em. Don’t want them to kill each other between here and there. Thank you, Ben.

BEN Hey what’s family for? They’ll want your story too. If Manny’s filing, we’ve got some court appearances ahead.

LACY ...Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine. Fucking cops anyway. (Before she exits, she turns back in.) And good work again, Blake.

BLAKE What?

LACY On graduating! Good work, dummy. I’m serious about those grad announcements, bud.

BLAKE Oh, I know.

LACY And I'm serious about the mill.

BLAKE I know that too.

LACY Watch yourself, kid. (She exits.)

BEN (Produces a pack of cigarettes.) Graduating, huh? (He begins trying to light his cigarette, but the lighter’s all out of juice.)

BLAKE Yeah, man.

BEN Ain’t that some shit. Good for you, kid. So what’s next?

BLAKE Ah, I don’t know. I’m gonna try to get some skate sponsorships.

BEN Hm.

BLAKE Maybe. I mean, I don’t know.

BEN (Pushes down the toaster.) Well if that’s what you wanna do, go for it. I mean I don’t really get it my own self, but don’t let that stop ya.

BLAKE Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.

BEN Cool. You know I almost graduated. Got a lot closer to it than Lacy.

BLAKE Yeah I know.

BEN I just remember when I was your age, everyone had all sorts of advice for me. Especially senior year. That’s all senior year is, man, that’s all you get. Getting told what to do. It’s like, everytime someone comes through a door “Hey, this is what you have to do.” Then someone else comes in. “Go to college.” “Go to work.” “Do it this way.” I figured, fuck it. (He sticks his face down into the toaster and lights the cigarette through the slot. He straightens up and unplugs it.)

BLAKE Yeah, for sure.

BEN ‘Cause the truth is no one’s got it figured out. The whole world’s a big bluff, kid.

BLAKE That’s reassuring.

BEN Don’t be sarcastic at me. You have dinner yet?

BLAKE Nah.

BEN Well I’ll tell ya what. That standoff got me hotter than a Branch Davidian. I’m gonna run on down to Sno Cap, cool off with a milkshake. I’ll buy ya dinner.

BLAKE Mom always taught me better than to turn down a free meal.

BEN There ya go. I’m gonna go give Haley a jingle, let her know everything’s fine. She was real worried when I stormed out. Wives, you know?

BLAKE Word.

BEN exits. BLAKE looks after him. He goes to the bulldogging contraption. He gets on his skateboard, ollies over the contraption then kickflips offstage.

0 notes

burkedeboer · 6 years

Text

North to the Abyss

2 F, 1 M.

During the gold rush, a woman travels to the coastal Alaskan town from which her husband sent his last letter. She intends to track him down, but instead finds greater mystery in the nature of his disappearance.

A note on the text: though only her opening monologue is in verse, you may notice that all of Rachel’s dialogue is timed to iambic pentameter. She is the only character that does so, and should help to distinguish her class from the other characters.

This 10 Minute Play was written in spring of 2018. The full text is below the break.

At center stage - RACHEL VASSALL. A well-to-do young woman, educated in turn of the century universities. She reads from a letter.

RACHEL “My dearest Rachel, the light of my life, Our time apart has only just begun And already I long for my return. I remind myself of what’s to be had: How better we shall live with these riches, That is, should this journey north prove fruitful. Yet, though I am confident in myself As I now have arrived in Alaska And look to the next steps of my travels, I would that my feet could now beat southward.

Every night I spend in a lonely bed And awake beside an empty pillow Is another sunset and rise wasted. I know we shall be together quite soon - As soon as the springtime, I’ll come to you. And yet it is not nearly soon enough.

I curse what this world requires of us, That it should require us be apart. But we shall overcome this great distance, As distance only is measured on maps, And there’s no mortal measure for our love. I am yours eternal. All my love, Claude.”

This was the first letter from Alaska. He said he would write whenever he could. I have a letter too from Seattle, where he waited ashore all of one night, a night he spent writing his love to me. That was Claude’s way; he always kept his word. So how, I wonder, did it come to pass that this letter should also be his last?

(Exits)

(A post office in a coastal Alaskan town. The 20th century has barely just begun; this is the sort of town that barely knows it, and won’t catch up with new century for some time. It is minded by the lone clerk and postmaster, BILL SAYER, an older man who stands behind a desk. He groans loudly as RACHEL enters. She looks at him alarmed.)

SAYER Sorry, miss, sorry to growl at ya, it’s just my back. I got them floating kidneys, y’know. Makes the lower back hurt something fierce. I got a balm for it though. But that’s talk for the apothecary not the post office. What can I do for you?

RACHEL What does the name Claude Vassall mean to you?

SAYER Both a lot and not much. From the look about you, I’d say he means more to you.

RACHEL I’d certainly hope so - he’s my husband.

SAYER Is that so? Well. It’s nice to meet you. Though it could have been under nicer circumstances.

RACHEL What do you mean? I haven’t heard from him; not hide nor hair nor whisper since the fall. I’ve no idea or notion how he is.

SAYER Yes, that’s right.

RACHEL Excuse me?

SAYER I’m terribly, awfully sorry, Mrs. Vassall. I didn’t realize, I-... Well. Easiest way to put it is that I know as much as you. Or as little, as it were. Nobody else has seen him either, not in this town. Not on this realm.

RACHEL What do you mean by “realm?” When did he leave?

SAYER In the fall.

RACHEL When he arrived? I have his last letter. I’ve kept it by my heart these last few months.

SAYER I’m sorry. We tried to warn him against staking that claim.

RACHEL Yes-- his claim, on some island in your bay.

SAYER Not just some island. Abaddon Island. That’s what the Russians called it anyway, and we may have changed a lot with this territory but that’s one thing we kept our hands off of. It’s better that way.

RACHEL I’m afraid I don’t understand, Mister-...?

SAYER Oh, of course, where are my manners. Sayer, ma’am. Bill Sayer. I’m the postmaster here. When your husband came and dropped off the letter, I didn’t realize who he was or where he was going or I would have talked to him myself. Maybe I should have gone out of my way to find him afterwards. After I heard from Eliza - she’s the lady what runs the inn he stayed at, and I heard from her that he had the Abaddon claim. And he planned to stake it. Then he was gone.

RACHEL Please don’t say it like that, Mr. Sayer. “Gone,” it just sounds so terribly final.

SAYER I’m sorry Mrs. Vassall, I know he was your husband. But let me-- I’m sorry. There’s something you need to know.

RACHEL I only need to know where to find him.

SAYER No-- I-- Listen. If I may: The man that sold him that claim sold it to him in California.

RACHEL I recall; I did share a house with him.

SAYER I only bring it up because the man who sold it was some sort of swindler.

RACHEL Was he so ignoble? Was the claim false?

SAYER No, the claim was true.

RACHEL Then tell me how my husband was “swindled?”

SAYER It’s just a matter of the fact being that no one around here would sell or advise the sale-of the claim on Abaddon Island. It was first staked back in the day when all the claims around here were getting staked. The old boy who took it up never came back. Things were in such a boom in those days, the town was just starting to spring up, not even platted yet, people coming and going every which way and nobody thought much of anything when a year passed and the claim wasn’t renewed so it defaulted back to the office. They figured he must’ve just left town, like so many others. Sold it again. But this time it was sold to a man who staked the Klondike and the Fortymile and had had himself a whole bunch of success. And he had struck gold outside of town here again, and folks in town knew him, so when spring turned to summer and we hadn’t seen him a search party got rounded up. Then these Chugach came to town, they got some villages down the coast both ways, been here for longer than any white folks, this is their land and their culture. They come out to sell their wares. So the posse asked them about that island, if they had any advice. And they told those men the same thing I’m gonna tell you: stay away.

RACHEL Is there some Native folklore about it?

SAYER Yes ma’am. It’s a forbidden land, in their eyes. I guess way back when the Russians were here, fur trapping expeditions sent attachments there, and it’s the same story. Same story as what happened to the posse too. Same story way back a thousand years. It’s been told too many times and I hate to tell it again. This time about your poor husband. I’m just afraid that when it comes to Abaddon Island, that’s the only way the story gets told.

RACHEL Then how did the rights to such an island, home to only warnings and precautions, come to be in the Lower Forty-Eight? Traded from a swindler to my husband?

SAYER Couldn’t tell ya. Don’t know. After the rights expired for the second time, a man named Chuch Buckford bought it. By that time I was working here. But I wasn’t postmaster yet, or else I would’ve refused to sell it to him. He went on and on about how all of this was only superstition. About how he was a man of reason, and a positivist, and how he would prove to us that there was nothing to fear. He had some sort of plan about it, or so he said. And he said it a lot. But he never went. After Chuch, I don’t know exactly how it changed hands, other than through poker games and maybe barters of some other sort. The state of things came to be that if a man put up a gold claim as part of a bet, then his opponent would demand to read it over and make double sure it wasn’t The Island. Or, if the opponent was a fresh-faced greenhorn, then everyone else around the table would intervene on his behalf and inspect the claim themselves. See, that’s why I say when Mr. Vassall arrived so keen to take on Abaddon Island I knew for a fact that it had been sold to him elsewhere. Every year, through the years, a different face would come into the office and renew the claim before it expired. A different man, every year, with all sorts of plans and ideas about how to get in and get out. One boy said he was gonna just row out there at dawn and back before dusk each day. I don’t know if he did it. It carried on this way for some time.

RACHEL And so it did, ‘til my husband arrived.

SAYER Yes ma’am, so it did.

(Enter RUTH, carrying a hefty bag of postage.)

RUTH Good fuckin’ shit, Bill, they must be thawing out up north, look at this load of postage! Snowbanks still up past your tits though, but looks like them logging camps finally got their shit down here. Good Lord, I’ve packed bears out of the backcountry that were lighter than this. (She slams the bag down. Beat) Who is this, why’s she crying?

RACHEL Oh am I really? Please, I don’t mean to.

SAYER No, there’s no reason to be embarrassed. I apologize for my courier. Ruth.

RUTH Yes Bill?

SAYER I’d like you to meet Mrs. Vassall.

RUTH ...Vassall? That’s not--

SAYER That is.

RUTH Oh hon.

RACHEL There’s been plenty of pity for me now, I’d appreciate it if you spared it.

RUTH Well alright. So Bill gave you the low-down then?

RACHEL He did.

RUTH I’m sorry, Mrs. Vassall. We tried to warn him.

RACHEL And tried to warn me, but I’m undeterred. I intend to travel to your island, and I intend to see it for myself.

SAYER Ma’am-- Nobody’s seen The Island for theirselves and came back to talk about it.

RACHEL I understand.

SAYER Nobody knows what happened to your husband, specifically, but let me tell you, everyone knows the general notion.

RACHEL I cannot believe that unless I see.

RUTH I’d go after my fella if he pulled a similar stunt.

SAYER Ruth… Ma’am, please, have a good think about this idea. Even if it wasn’t Abaddon Island. No offense, but you seem very well educated.

RACHEL I fail to see how that could bring offense.

SAYER It’s just I’m inclined to think you might not have a whole lot of experience in the woods. In the woods, alone, tracking a man. Would I be right?

RACHEL Yes.

SAYER Just consider what this whole undertaking would mean for you.

RACHEL Of course I have already, before I left. I took a ship up from San Francisco; I would not have made this trip hastily, but only after a winter of thought.

RUTH What you’ll wanna do, if you’re gonna head on out there, is pick yourself up a hired gun here in town.

SAYER Don’t tell her that.

RUTH Well she needs some sort of somebody helping her out. And I don’t rightly know, could be you go get a trapper or a mountaineer or some sort of timber fella. Someone that knows the wilderness real well and how to survive in it.

SAYER Nobody knows what The Island holds.

RUTH See, that’s what I’m thinking. Which is why I think of all the burly young bucks wasting their time in our taverns that would be raring to go. Remember that night when Joey Stokes walked down main street with his cap and ball Colt and shot out all the street lights one by one? Sheriff didn’t even arrest him on account of the fact that he was so impressed with Joey popping bulbs from a count of sixty paces.

SAYER Don’t ask her to talk to Joey Stokes.

RUTH Why not? It’s a heroic hunt, I’m sure he’d jump at the invitation.

SAYER Yes he would. And I like Joey Stokes. What you’re suggesting is instead of Mrs. Vassall dying alone, that Joey goes and dies with her.

(Silence)

RACHEL I trust it’s not as dire as all that. If it so worries you, Mr. Sayer, then I resolve to leave on my lonesome. I did not come to our Final Frontier with intent to rob you of your neighbors.

SAYER Much obliged. Much as I can oblige it.

RACHEL But your advice, much as I value it, can not be followed to its last letter. I did not sail north to turn south at port. I only want my husband home and safe, or, failing that, have him home and buried. Whichever fate the good Lord wills it be.

RUTH One way or another you’ll meet again.

RACHEL Yes. And meet in this world; I will find him.

RUTH I believe you when you say it. I just don’t believe me when I think it. Maybe since it’s springtime it’ll be easier. I wish you luck, ma’am.

RACHEL And you as well.

(RUTH exits. SAYER sighs, produces a box from under the desk.)

SAYER You’re set on it then?

RACHEL Yes, Mr. Sayer, I am resolute. In both my decision and intentions.

SAYER (He produces a revolver from the box.) Now I know this isn’t much. It’s just the post office pistol, issued to us should we need to defend ourselves. It’s a Peacemaker. They call it the gun that won the west, and The Island is west of here, technically. Cartographically. It would ease my mind if you had some sort of protection. (He produces a box of ammunition, sets it next to the gun on the table.) Now, legally, I’m not allowed to give this to you. Unless I deputized you a post carrier, I suppose. Not sure I’m allowed to do that either. But what I can do is leave it on the table here and step into the back. And if it was gone by the time I came back, I wouldn’t have a clue who took it. My own fault. Doubt anyone from the government would come checking on it anyway.

RACHEL I appreciate the offer-

SAYER No, now this one I’m firm on. All right, that’s my ultimatum. Either don’t go or take the gun. And I am the postmaster, I carry words and my words carry. Now it was nice meeting you, Mrs. Vassall. You are a determined sort, and that is respectable.

RACHEL And nice to meet you too, Mr. Sayer.

SAYER I just gotta pop into the back real quick. Hope to see you around.

SAYER exits to the back. There is a long silence as RACHEL considers. She then takes the gun and the ammo. She exits.

1 note · View note

burkedeboer · 6 years

Text

Valentina (Female Comedic Monologue)

The following drug-addled monologue is a selection from “Wanting, Before the Storm.”

Valentina finds herself stranded along the highway, contemplating her past decisions and future choices with only cocaine to advise her.

VALENTINA Okay. This is fine. Horse is right, I just need to, ah… Need to relax. (From the backseat of the car she produces a duffel bag. From this she begins to knuckle up a bump of coke.) Just a bump. Just taking the edge off. For clarity! (Does the bump.) Okay!! For clarity… I completely lack self-control, that’s clear. Because evidently I’m ruled by my vagina. That is clear. That tight butt of his, those arms. And that smile. That’s really all it took? Damn it, Drunk Valentina. Okay. Past Me is an asshole. Present Me is paying the price for it. And unless Present Me makes some better decisions, Future Me is totally fucked. (Does another bump.) Now things are twice as clear. If I get back to St. Louis, I can go back to The Sundowner. They can’t fire me. I’m Valentina fucking Cavallaro, they can’t fire me! So I go back to work, and Stephen will take me back. He always does. Sweet Stephen. As well he should though, ‘cause it’s his fucking fault, moving to St. Louis. Wouldn’t have happened if we stayed in Chicago. But okay, there we go. Right? Just get a motel, and wait for Stephen. It’s not the worst plan. There have probably been worse plans. Like going to California with someone you’ve only known for four hours. That was pretty fucking stupid. This dumbass cowpuncher. Well, he’s not so dumb. He cleaned house in that basement game after all, and Fat Daniel was playing in that. Fat Daniel never loses, especially at Texas Hold ‘Em. The family always makes sure of that. You’d have to be a halfway genius to pull that off. So you got to admit, he’s pretty sharp. And he’s pretty fine. But for fuck’s sake. What do I care about a tight ass? Why is that so important? What am I gonna do, am I gonna fuck that ass? Christ. Don’t even know anything about the son of a bitch. I know he’s from Omaha. Or at least that’s what he said. Might as well believe him, at this point. I know he calls himself “Horse.” Jesus. That’s real classy, you know, a man calling himself “Horse.” At least the name fits or I’d really be mad. And that’s how you let yourself get suckered. …But then again… Why is that a bad thing? That’s something else I don’t know. What’s so bad about feeling good? That’s why you work in the first place: to have money, to buy things, to feel good. So what the fuck, why are you beating yourself up? It’s all going to be okay. (After a moment, a realization.) He is going to kill him though. Stephen is going to kill him. He’s going to walk Horse out into the woods, and he’s going to shoot him in the head.

#monologue #female monologue #female comedic monologue #drugs monologue #creative commons #royalty free play #wanting before the storm #cocaine #mafia #dark comedy #monologues from plays

7 notes · View notes

burkedeboer · 6 years

Text

Wanting, Before the Storm

1 F, 2 M.

Stranded on a Colorado mountain pass is a beautiful car that is broken on the inside. Its frantic riders are two beautiful people who are broken on the inside. After a one night stand, the coke-addled pair of lovers ripped off the St. Louis mob and hit the highway for California. Now the mob comes from the east. A blizzard comes from the west.

This is a story of bad decisions.

First read at the Oregon Playwrights Society, February 2016. First staged at Western Oregon University, February 2017. Full text below the break.

Along the highway. VALENTINA CAVALLARO stands in the cold. She wears a Halloween costume, the sort that is bought on the cheap and shows a lot of leg. HORSE is in the car grinding the starter. He wears a helmet that would announce him as a centurion legionnaire, were it not for the fact that, like his arms bracers, it is plastic. They are that reckless age that allows one to behave as they do.

Evening is settling. A storm’s coming.

VALENTINA God damn it, Val.

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA How in the fuck… (She sighs, looks around. A pause. And then - )

HORSE What?!

VALENTINA I wasn’t talking to you! (She produces her cell phone, looks at it.) Fuck.

HORSE (Hops out of the car, but knocks his head against the doorframe. He nearly sprawls out on the ground but catches himself. He flings the helmet.) This goddamn thing!

VALENTINA One bar. Come on, just gimme one bar…

HORSE I think there was one in Wanting.

VALENTINA What?

HORSE That town we went through? I think there was a bar in that town back there.

VALENTINA What the fuck are you talking about?

HORSE I don’t know. (He goes to the hood of the car, opens it.) You know anything about motors?

VALENTINA Horse, I don’t even know what this car is.

HORSE Really?

VALENTINA Don’t say shit.

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA I see it in your eyes, you were gonna say some shit. Just don’t.

HORSE Maybe I wasn’t!

VALENTINA Then it’ll be easy for you.

HORSE These cocksuckin’... (Rips the plastic Roman arm bracers off.) Why are we still in our costumes?

VALENTINA It’s not like you gave us time to change.

HORSE You got any cell service?

VALENTINA No! I don’t! Cars don't break down: your car breaks down. I always have service: now I don't have service. And everyone in the world owns a cell phone, except for your broke ass. That’s just the way it works, isn’t it?

HORSE (Putting his arms around her.) Yeah, but you know what babe?

VALENTINA What’s that.

HORSE Your luck can only change if you keep playing.

VALENTINA Did that philosophy work for you in Kansas City?

HORSE (Breaking – back to the engine.) Yeah, yeah. Kansas City was an anomaly. (He fights and rips a part out from the engine. He looks at it. He’s not sure what it is.)

VALENTINA It’s not even luck at this point, it’s fate. Destiny. I’m going to die. And if it doesn’t happen in Chicago, or St. Louis, it’ll happen here. Buttfuck Nowhere, Colorado.

HORSE If that’s what this place is called maybe we should stay here a while.

VALENTINA Horse.

HORSE Ah, it’s not that serious anyway.

VALENTINA It’s not? You went a hundred all across Kansas because it’s not that serious?

HORSE I only hit a hundred a couple times!

VALENTINA Talking the whole time about “beating the snow.” “Gotta beat the snow.”

HORSE Well she’s a Mustang, babe.

VALENTINA …Okay?

HORSE Don’t worry about it, I’m gonna head back into town and sniff out a mechanic.

VALENTINA What, you’re gonna leave me here?

HORSE Someone needs to stay. Just to watch the car.

VALENTINA Stay here, watch the car, freeze to death. I got it.

HORSE You can wait inside, can’t ya? Turn on the heater.

VALENTINA …Oh my God.

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA Don’t worry about it.

HORSE That’s what I’m saying! It won’t be long, beautiful. Two shakes. (exits)

VALENTINA (Watches him go with lustful appreciation. After he’s significantly gone, she shakes her head.) God damn it, Val. That’s how the fuck you got here. (Pulls off the veil and tosses it with the other Halloween scraps.) I’m an embarrassment. Left St. Louis, left the casino, left Stephen, all for fucking California? Not even California, because I’m going to die on this mountain pass. So it’s all for… Some country bumpkin talking about California. (She checks her phone again – a gasp of pleasant surprise. She quickly dials, then speaks into it.) …Hey, Stevie baby. I know, I know-… I’m in Colorado. …Yeah, well. …I want to come home. …Good! Then come get me. …Along the highway, straight through Kansas, and, uh, what was that? …What? I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that… Yeah. Yeah, I’m with Horse so what. …Yeah, we got all the coke, but we’re broke down outside of fucking “Wanting.” That’s the name of the town. Wanting, Colorado. As in “I’m not Wanting to be in Colorado.” …I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. …No, the-… What? (She listens a bit to the utter nothingness on the line. Looks at her phone. Rages at it. Sighs.) Okay. This is fine. Horse is right, I just need to, ah… Need to relax. (From the backseat of the car she produces a duffel bag. From this she begins to knuckle up a bump of coke.) Just a bump. Just taking the edge off. For clarity! (Does the bump.) Okay!! For clarity… I completely lack self-control, that’s clear. Because evidently I’m ruled by my vagina. That is clear. That tight butt of his, those arms. And that smile. That’s really all it took? Damn it, Drunk Valentina. Okay. Past Me is an asshole. Present Me is paying the price for it. And unless Present Me makes some better decisions, Future Me is totally fucked. (Does another bump.) Now things are twice as clear. If I get back to St. Louis, I can go back to The Sundowner. They can’t fire me. I’m Valentina fucking Cavallaro, they can’t fire me! So I go back to work, and Stephen will take me back. He always does. Sweet Stephen. As well he should though, ‘cause it’s his fucking fault, moving to St. Louis. Wouldn’t have happened if we stayed in Chicago. But okay, there we go. Right? Just get a motel, and wait for Stephen. It’s not the worst plan. There have probably been worse plans. Like going to California with someone you’ve only known for four hours. That was pretty fucking stupid. This dumbass cowpuncher. Well, he’s not so dumb. He cleaned house in that basement game after all, and Fat Daniel was playing in that. Fat Daniel never loses, especially at Texas Hold ‘Em. The family always makes sure of that. You’d have to be a halfway genius to pull that off. So you got to admit, he’s pretty sharp. And he’s pretty fine. But for fuck’s sake. What do I care about a tight ass? Why is that so important? What am I gonna do, am I gonna fuck that ass? … I could. I mean if he wants to stay in Buttfuck Nowhere a while. Christ. Don’t even know anything about the son of a bitch. I know he’s from Omaha. Or at least that’s what he said. Might as well believe him, at this point. I know he calls himself “Horse.” Jesus. That’s real classy, you know, a man calling himself “Horse.” At least the name fits or I’d really be mad. And that’s how you let yourself get suckered. …But then again… Why is that a bad thing? That’s something else I don’t know. What’s so bad about feeling good? That’s why you work in the first place: to have money, to buy things, to feel good. So what the fuck, why are you beating yourself up? It’s all going to be okay. (After a moment, a realization.) He is going to kill him though. Stephen is going to kill him. He’s going to walk Horse out into the woods, and he’s going to shoot him in the head. (Horse enters with TRAVIS.)

HORSE But if you could do it without having to tow her I’d really appreciate it.

TRAVIS I’m sure you would.

VALENTINA He’s going to make me watch too.

TRAVIS ’68 Fastback! I think I might have to tow this after all.

HORSE Oh?

TRAVIS To my house. Park it in the car port.

HORSE Oh yeah. (Climbs into the car and begins to dig through the back seat.)

TRAVIS I’ve got a 2007 GT, this would look real good right next to it, the classic and the current. (Sees engine) Jesus H. W. Bush.

HORSE Uh, there’s – baby, can you hand him that thing? On the ground out there?

VALENTINA The helmet?

HORSE The what? The… No, that thing.

VALENTINA Right. Here, he took this out. (She hands him the part. He looks at it. Sighs and nods.)

HORSE (Emerges, holding a pool cue case.) Yeah, that didn’t look right to me.

TRAVIS Well it shouldn’t have looked wrong. (Goes to work.)

HORSE (Sees duffel bag.) Whoa. Yeah, let’s put that away. (He does, and then sits in the driver’s seat to screw the two-piece cue together.)

VALENTINA Just trying to stay warm.

HORSE It is a bit chilly, huh? I might have to warm up myself in a bit.

TRAVIS Where you kids from anyhow?

HORSE Huh?

TRAVIS Would you quit grunting so much? “Huh.” You kick a pig on the butt and it says “Huh.”

HORSE What?

TRAVIS That’s better.

HORSE …What?! (Goes to hop out of the car. Hits his head on the frame again, and this time he does lay himself out.)

VALENTINA How do those clouds look to you?

HORSE (Sits up) I’m not a fuckin’ weather man.

TRAVIS Where’d you learn to talk like that in front of a lady?

HORSE Could you-

VALENTINA Yeah, why do you cuss so much? (Horse scowls. She laughs.)

HORSE (Gathers up himself and his cue.) Could you just… Could you just fix the motor?

TRAVIS I’m trying. It’s a process.

HORSE Yeah, I’m sure. Well, I’m off again.

VALENTINA What?

HORSE I was right, they do have a bar in town. With four pool tables. I’ve got some money to make.

VALENTINA Horse.

HORSE Yeah, babe.

VALENTINA I’m gonna need you to not. Right now. Okay?

HORSE Wh-... Aw, shit, you don’t gotta worry about Travis, he’s just fixing the motor.

VALENTINA I’m talking about this. (Gestures at the cue.) This was why you had to leave St. Louis. This was why you said we couldn’t stop in Kansas City.

HORSE Uh, no it’s not.

VALENTINA No?

HORSE This is not why I had to leave Kansas City and St. Louis.

VALENTINA Really.

HORSE That was because of poker, horse racing, and sports bets. This is pool!

VALENTINA Well when you put it like that.

HORSE How about I put it like this: that redneck bar was full of cowboys and oilers. It was like Texas football in there. They got all that cattle and oil money and if it’s not burning holes in their pockets yet, all I’ve gotta do is strike the match.

VALENTINA You just threw like three metaphors and a simile at me, give me a second to digest that.

TRAVIS I wouldn’t try to hustle any of those roughnecks.

HORSE Aw, I’m not worried about bravado, Trav. Everywhere you go thinks it’s the toughest place in the world. (to Valentina) And I’ll tell ya something else. St. Louis, Kansas City, Omaha, there was all organization there. The Sons of Silence, the Irish mob, and the folks you work for. The Italian folks. This outfit is just some working stiffs.

VALENTINA “Folks.” “Outfit.” Who the fuck are you?

HORSE I’m your man.

TRAVIS All right, now, I got after him for swearing in front of you. You don’t get off the hook.

VALENTINA If I wanted any shit from you I’d scrape it off your teeth. (to Horse) Wait, Omaha?

HORSE …Omaha. It’s where I’m from.

VALENTINA Right. You said that. But you never said that you were run out of Omaha.

HORSE …Well. I was.

VALENTINA What happened in Omaha?

HORSE Don’t worry about Omaha.

TRAVIS You guys sound like Peyton Manning before the snap.

HORSE (processes this, then laughs) “Omaha! Hut hut!” Yeah, this is Broncos country, huh? Better get outta here.

TRAVIS You a Chiefs fan?

HORSE Naw, Vikings. I look too good in purple.

VALENTINA Oh no, it’s not gonna work out.

HORSE What?

VALENTINA I’m a Bears fan. Obviously.

HORSE Hey, I can be a Bears fan. You saying I can’t be a Bears fan? Well I’m a Bears fan now, who gives a shit.

VALENTINA Is switching teams that easy?

HORSE For you, beautiful, anything’s easy.

VALENTINA Horse… (They make out.)

TRAVIS Not to interrupt anything but…

HORSE Yeah?

TRAVIS But I will anyway. I do have to haul this into the shop.

HORSE No, please, no you fuckin’ don’t.

TRAVIS You’re right, I don’t. I could just leave you stranded here.

HORSE You haven’t even tried to start it again. (He runs to the car. The cue doesn’t fit through the door and he bounces off and goes rolling.)

TRAVIS Well your starter’s wore down so I don’t really need to. That’s just one of the problems.

HORSE Fine! You know what. Fine. Guess we’ll stay the night here.

TRAVIS Probably gonna stay a couple.

VALENTINA Oh no.

HORSE (Pops trunk, begins unloading bags) Don’t worry, baby, that just means we get to see all the sights of Wanting. Almost seven thousand people here, something’s got to entertain them.

VALENTINA What about… I thought we needed to beat the snow?

TRAVIS You’ll definitely need to beat the snow. This rig will not handle in it at all.

VALENTINA And what about those clouds? Just look out there, the snow’s coming.

HORSE That’s one possibility.

TRAVIS Those clouds do look pretty rank.

HORSE They might not even start dumping until they’re on the other side of us.

TRAVIS No, son, just look out there, over the foothills. Look, come over here and look.

HORSE (Now getting bags from the backseat.) I don’t need to look! I don’t need to look.

TRAVIS You can see it down over the foothills. It’s already snowing, and it’s coming this way.

HORSE Then let it snow. Let it dump everything it’s got on the foothills, and we’ll just go south. Go around it. Take the long way to California. Hell, it might even quit at any moment.

TRAVIS I doubt the odds of that one.

HORSE The smallest odds have the biggest payouts.

TRAVIS So am I towing your car or not?

VALENTINA We need to get out of here, babe.

HORSE Aw... Aw man.

VALENTINA What?

HORSE You never called me “babe” before.

VALENTINA That wasn’t the important part of that sentence.

HORSE It was a pretty great part though.

VALENTINA Okay, babe, listen to me.

HORSE Listening.

VALENTINA We need to leave.

HORSE I don’t see why. We’re already not beating the snow, supposedly. You’ve got to play the hand you’re dealt; all there is to it.

VALENTINA I think we need to get this snow between us and…

HORSE And what? St. Louis? They’re not that sore over me.

VALENTINA You’d be surprised.

HORSE Would I?

VALENTINA My fiancé’s coming.

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA My fiancé. I told him where we were.

HORSE Well why’d you do that?

VALENTINA I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking clearly. But I am now, and-

HORSE You can whip this into shape at your shop, Trav?

TRAVIS I can get it going again.

HORSE Tonight?

TRAVIS No not tonight. It’s past five, my shop’s closed.

HORSE Can’t ya open it?

TRAVIS I can. I won’t.

HORSE Well aren’t you a lotta help. How long’ll this take?

TRAVIS Couple days, I said.

HORSE Couple days, he said. Then I guess I get to meet this chump. You’re really engaged?

VALENTINA Technically, yes.

HORSE What’s “technically” mean?

VALENTINA He asked me to marry him and I said yes.

HORSE When was this?

VALENTINA June.

HORSE June? And you’re not married by October?

TRAVIS It’s November now.

HORSE It’s November now! Even worse.

VALENTINA We were planning for spring.

HORSE Well ain’t that just fucking typical. I wouldn’t marry you in spring. I wouldn’t be so typical. You’re not a typical girl.

VALENTINA We’re engaged. And he’s coming after us.

HORSE “Engaged.” You sign anything?

VALENTINA No.

HORSE You shake on it?

VALENTINA No.

HORSE

Then what the hell.

TRAVIS You generally don’t shake on engagements.

HORSE Stay outta this, Travis. (to Valentina) So how ‘bout it?

VALENTINA How ‘bout what?

HORSE It’s not spring right now. I’m ready to go. Dump the chump, trade your draft pick.

VALENTINA You’re asking me to marry you?

HORSE Yeah. Look. (Takes the ring off her finger. Gets on his knee.) Valentina-… Uh… Valentina. Would you make me the happiest man in the world?

VALENTINA Oh my fucking God.

HORSE I’ve never been with anyone as good as you. I bust four nuts last night.

VALENTINA You really wanna get married, Horse?

HORSE Only if you’d have me.

VALENTINA You fucking know it, baby. (He rises, picking her up. They kiss. Travis slow claps.)

HORSE Let’s stop in Vegas. Find us an Elvis.

TRAVIS You don’t even need to go to Vegas.

HORSE Nuh uh?

TRAVIS No. Colorado doesn’t have a waiting period for marriage licenses either.

HORSE Well… Well what do you think, beautiful?

VALENTINA Get married here?

HORSE Go find the justice of the peace of Wanting, Colorado. It’s the American thing to do.

VALENTINA Sure. And the car is old. All that poker money is new.

HORSE Yeah yeah yeah, there you go. And all the coke is “borrowed.”

VALENTINA That’s right, it is.

HORSE What’s next?

VALENTINA Uhh...

TRAVIS Something blue.

VALENTINA Oh yeah!

HORSE How about my Levis?

VALENTINA I think I need to be wearing the blue thing.

HORSE (Sets to kicking off his boots.) Well we can take care of that quick enough.

VALENTINA We’ve got everything we need right here! Yeah, let’s do it. Let’s fucking do it. (They make out, Horse pulling off his pants.)

TRAVIS I for one am very happy for you. I’m gonna go get that tow truck now. (exits)

HORSE All right. (Hands Valentina his pants. Peers out to the west as he puts his boots back on and she puts on the jeans.) Damn, that is a storm. I told you though, didn’t I? I told you Halloween was the shift. It’s like flipping a switch, it’s autumn one day, then November starts and suddenly everything freezes over. Suddenly there’s frost on the pumpkin.

VALENTINA You sound like a farmer.

HORSE Yeah, huh? The weather is serious conversation for my people.

VALENTINA I’m a little scared, Horse.

HORSE You don’t gotta be scared, it’s just some snow.

VALENTINA He knows where we are. He’s coming after us.

HORSE Who? Your ex?

VALENTINA Yeah.

HORSE Well, from what I know about him he sure likes to take his time. Let him come. And let the snows come too. The micks, the Omaha bail bondsmen, those Sons of Silence sonsabitches, let ‘em come. Bring ‘em all on. Who is this chump anyway? Your ex, what’s his story?

VALENTINA He works for the family. He works with me.

HORSE What, at The Sundowner?

VALENTINA Yeah. All of our St. Louis operations are through the casino.

HORSE What was his name?

VALENTINA Stephen.

HORSE Stephen at The Sundowner? One of the bouncers?

VALENTINA That’s one of his jobs.

HORSE Yeah it is, isn’t it. Stephen Vacchese?

VALENTINA You know him.

HORSE Sure. He’s weak. Not physically, of course. But emotionally.

VALENTINA You’re totally right. I could never put it into words.

HORSE I could kick his ass. Emotionally.

VALENTINA You’re so right.

HORSE You’re too much woman for a guy like that. You can see it in his eyes, how nice he is.

VALENTINA I mean… He has killed people before.

HORSE Oh. Has he really?

VALENTINA Two guys. That I know of.

HORSE Why’d he kill ‘em?

VALENTINA I don’t know. We told him to, I guess.

HORSE “We?”

VALENTINA Yeah, you know. The Cavallaros.

HORSE Oh. You’re a Cavallaro. Right.

VALENTINA Yeah.

HORSE Your last name’s Cavallaro.

VALENTINA Did you not know that?

HORSE

You don’t just “work at The Sundowner.”

VALENTINA I’m not cooking the books or anything. But yeah. I’m a Cavallaro.

HORSE Okay. Okay. (He goes to the duffel bag.) See, but that’s just what I was saying, isn’t it? He’s weak. Just because he’s told to kill someone, he does it. Not because he wants to, just because he’s told. See, I’m an asshole like that, I’ve never killed anybody. (He palms a handful of coke.) Ain’t a man on the goddamn planet can make me kill someone. Call me an asshole. I accept it.

VALENTINA What’s the matter?

HORSE Nothing’s the matter. I just need to clear my head.

VALENTINA For clarity.

HORSE For clarity! (Snorts the coke in a wild rip, dusting his entire face.)

VALENTINA Horse…

HORSE Yeah baby!

VALENTINA It’s starting to snow.

HORSE You’re telling me! (Rubs his gums. He looks to the sky.) Ah. Huh. Okay. You know what. This actually solves all our problems.

VALENTINA I thought we were trying to avoid the snow.

HORSE See, if you’re a Cavallaro and we get married, then the Cavallaros won’t want to kill me. They can’t kill me. I’ll be in the family.

VALENTINA Just like they can’t fire me.

HORSE Yeah. What? Yeah! They can’t fire this beautiful woman, and that’s exactly who’s vouching for me. If this beautiful woman vouches for me.

VALENTINA I’ll vouch for you.

HORSE Aw, babe. You got my back.

VALENTINA Of course! It’s the best part of you. (She twirls her hand and at the command he spins around for a booty dance. She squeals with glee.)

HORSE And Kansas City won’t be able to touch me either or they’d be starting a war with Chicago.

VALENTINA They probably wouldn’t go to war over you.

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA Chicago. My dad. Probably wouldn’t go to war if you got killed.

HORSE Well, I know that, I just mean, fuckin’… Kansas City don’t know that! It’s like the Cold War, baby, the Cuban Missile Crisis. The fear of bombs being dropped is enough to stop the bombs from dropping.

VALENTINA Yeah, okay!

HORSE So Chicago can’t touch me, Kansas City won’t touch me, St. Louis is smoothed over… Hell, I don’t need to go to California. And since I don’t need to live off these winnings in California, I can use them to pay off Omaha. Hot damn. I fuckin’ love you babe.

VALENTINA I love you.

HORSE You’re saving my skin right now in a million ways. We just need to seal the deal. Which means – (He offers his hand. She shakes it.) Babe.

VALENTINA I love you too.

HORSE Remember what I was saying earlier, about luck changing? I think our luck has changed, don’t you? (He climbs into the car, this time without incident.) And when your luck is good you’ve got to ride that luck. As long as luck is giving, you’ve got to keep on taking. (The starter grinds and then FIRES UP! Cheers from the two and HORSE bolts from the car. He slams the hood. They run , gathering all their bags and pitching them frantically into the trunk. Each with bags in hand, they collide, but don’t quite go tumbling. They laugh, they kiss. Then the car gurgles and dies.) Well I'll be a son of a bitch.

VALENTINA ...You’re a wanted felon, right?

HORSE Huh?

VALENTINA If there are bail bondsmen after you. You’re a felon. For jumping bail? If we go to the justice of the peace, that'll come up.

HORSE Oh. Oh yeah. Odds are they would. (At this, his eyes light up.) Odds are!

VALENTINA The odds are against us.

HORSE Just where we want 'em. Come on babe, let’s get back to town before we’re totally froze!

The storm is swelling. He crouches, offering his back. She jumps onto him, pool cue in hand as a lance. Their laughter is drowned out by the howling wind. It comes in fierce and freezing. They gallop off, unaware that the storm has set upon them.

2 notes · View notes