azaadrelle-ag
Azaadrelle.Ag
Brazilian girl/ 01/29/2000/ If you're here you found my hideout, safeplace account. Well, welcome then I'm not gonna kick your butt for finding me. It simply does not make sense./ I'm a stall hat between Slytherin and Ravenclaw (House of choice: Ravenclaw)
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Oh F*ck!
I have just discovered that I have A LOT of interpersonal issues and I never thought that was a problem until I started forcing myself studying about it. So I decided to make a list of those. Then as I'm recovering I can look back and show myself my improvement. And when I delete this post I'll be sure, I'm finally free of those.
Pistanthrophobia (fear of trusting someone)
Hyper-independence
Mommy issues
Hopefully soon enough I can delete this post and change those gifs to more upbeat and happy ones
Also I totally have forgotten about my family issues noice
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"You don't need to monetize all of your hobbies. sing BADLY. Draw CROOKED. Dance UGLY. Write FUTILE. Not everything needs to be great or profesional, calm down a little."
Just a self reminder
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From an early age, I knew I had to work for the things I wanted, and life showed me that I couldn't rely on other people, so I learned to do it all myself. It wasn't long before I completely burned out. Today, I am healing and finding balance, and learning to ask for help when I need it. Let's talk about it.
HEALING FROM HYPER-INDEPENDENCE
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i remembered recently why i have such a hard time asking for help. growing up, almost every time i asked for help or needed defending i was either dismissed, belitted, abandoned, or made to fix it on my own somehow. thinking back, that is so sad see kid-me get overwhelmed physically and hurting myself moving items alone or getting stuck, lost or left behind because no one heard or cared to stay back and help me.
now as an adult, i get irritated with how capable i am cause at this point… i don’t really need help anymore and i'm not comfortable with people helping me. it sometimes puts a strain on my relationships because for those who want to show me they care through acts of service or gift giving, i don't let them.
i've since learned that it's important to give loved ones the floor to show you that they love you and to not stiffle your blessings.
in addtion, the cherry on top is that i get annoyed with some people they way others were annoyed with me when i couldn't do things that they saw as "objectively" basic and easy to do.
i already do my best to be patient and willing to help others, but i think i do so more now knowing this about myself. i want to break the cycle and not hurt anyone in this fashion.
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For me it's since I was 8 or 10.
And I know, Imma get help very soon.
Shout-out to the ppl who felt like the whole world depends specifically on them since they were 13!!
It's a negative shout-out. Get therapy bestie.
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When you've been neglected your whole life so you learn to take care of yourself and meet your own needs and those very same people go , " they're so independent, this is why we never have to worry about them"
*stares into the camera*
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"It was plain to see that my old pet needed someone. But if it were left up to Roger, we'd be bachelors forever." –Pongo, the matchmaker(?)
#101 dalmatians#disneyedit#disney#paleanimation#userpastel#palesources#*#*disney#*gifs#azaadrelle-ag#eemryss
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Well as I said on my prior post. Yesterday I cried from midnight to 2 AM and made some discoveries about myself. I always have been very independent and my family, friends and relatives have always praised me for that.
I always thought that was a great thing, especially because I didn't want their help with anything, but sometimes it hurts me the fact that, because I'm so independent no one usually helps me and I don't want to ask either.
And when someone tries to help me I feel uncomfortable and patronised, but yet I still want to be helped. Never understood why I was this paradoxal existence of human being, who can just make their mind about something
(And I'm the kind of person who knows exactly what I want).
While I was crying yesterday I made a not so surprisingly discovery about myself, I'm hyper independent which means I can't just get someone to help without feeling small or uncomfy and lots of others feelings I don't recognize or understand yet.
What really impacted me, was that while I was having my mental breakdown, I realized that it all started when I was six years old. I don't remember much but I remember I was trying to do something by myself at school and I was very afraid but thought I needed to do that alone I don't remember what it was but I remember that two adults come running to me the teacher pulled me and putted me into her arms asking why I was doing that and the doorman of the school did it himself whatever I was trying to do.
They told me I could have died by doing the thing alone, I didn't believe them but since they were the adults I was thankful for getting some help. They then asked to me why I was doing this alone. I said that if no one was going to help me I decided to do it myself. They made me promise that if I needed help I asked them.
I then every time I felt like I needed help I'd ask them and I felt like I could rely only on them because everyone else would put me in second place. WAIT up Az your classmate needs help, WAIT Az your sister needs help, WAIT Az your cousin needs help WAIT Az your friend needs help. So I started believing I should do it all by myself because I'd always be a "WAIT" someone needs it more than you. You don't need it. And you know sometimes I couldn't just wait.
But then my teacher said to me the famous "WAIT" and I understood I really were supposed to do it all alone, my needs weren't as important as the other people around me. So I stopped asking for help and started doing stuff all alone again. But the doorman would still keep an eye on me and help me even though I never asked his help.
Then when I was eight I changed to another school, there was no person aware of my problem so it just made stronger time by time. Because "she's a very independent girl", "so mature to her age" etc.
It has been 16 years since then and I realised I'm tired, I'm healthy but thankfully, but I cannot sit and wait to get it unhealthy, I can't wait until I have panic attacks. So even though it's hard and even though it's self-shaming to me. Imma get medical help I think it's time...
#hyper independence#life#personal history#personal story#memories#mental health#kotoro lives alone#trauma#childhood trauma#trauma response#azaadrelle-ag
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My head is hurting so much!
Yesterday I had some fights and furstated moments with my family what made me cry from midnight to 2 AM with me realizing a ton of things about me (well that was fun). Then I went to sleep. I do believe sleeping solves everything. BUT, today I woke up with my head aching and my face swolled still. So I still feel like the problems of yesterday are still here
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Seungmin, learning how to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?
Jisung: The car takes a screenshot.
Hyunjin: Please pull over. I’m driving now.
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