Blog Entry 12: Culminating Entry

I’m not exactly sure what I learned about myself that I hadn’t already known. If anything the lessons we covered reminded me of things I had forgotten about myself, and got me to acknowledge consequences that my actions, behaviors and attitudes had. Like I mentioned in a previous post, one of the most important concepts that struck me so far is that of the ecological system and Erik Erikson’s Psycho-social theory, how one’s actions and reactions can shape the development of another. This concept is one I found particularly significant for me not because of my own self development, but because I am concerned about how I might affect the development of my nephews based on how I act towards them or react towards them. It scares me a little think that my reactions could negatively affect how my nephews develop, and I need to be more careful of that.

In terms of my own self development,  the Looking Glass Self still struck me the hardest, as it’s a literal reflection on how I come to judge myself, and my reliance on the views of others on how I view my own capabilities, personality, and expectations. 

I loved this class particularly because it covered so many perspectives on how to view and analyse the self, and was overall a very eye opening experience. 

Blog Entry #11: Romantic Relationships and Gender-Related Issues

As we learned in this lesson that people progress from wanting friendships to wanting more and more intimate relationships as they grow up, I saw that in my life as well. I’ve always mainly focused on friendships, however, even though I’ve rarely gone without having a crush. I’ve never gone beyond having crushes, though, for a few reasons. One reason is that my family would not allow me to get into a romantic relationship until I secure a college degree. This is a rule for all the girls in my family (albeit there’s only 3 of us), and my cousin got caught breaking that rule and all of our aunts got involved. It was a messy and annoying situation to get yourself into. Another reason is that I have close to no social skills when it comes to talking to guys I like, so I try to avoid liking anyone that I’m actually friends with, because I don’t want to start acting weird around people I enjoy talking to. And thirdly, I’m wildly insecure and I don’t believe I’m ready to attempt to be in that kind of relationship anyway.

I have noticed, however, that as I got older, the types of relationships I wanted with people became more genuine and serious. I wanted to have close knit bonds with the friends I had, making sure that I’m there for them and they’re the type of people who would be there for me. And when I liked people, as I got older I started to want them to be more than just a crush, and I started getting out of my shell a little more to attempt getting them to like me back. I’ve always retreated before I got anywhere though, considering my family rules and me either losing interest or deciding that it’s better not to try. This became a habit, and often times it has led me to even being uncomfortable with the idea of anyone flirting with me or any of my friends liking me. I run away from any person who confesses to me, which is ironic and slightly hypocritical. That’s how I was in high school, at least. In college, I’m a lot more open minded, with people that like me and the type of people that I find myself attracted to. Still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not allowed to officially go beyond very strong friendships though.

One of the reasons my family is against us dating before we get a degree is this strong belief that they want their girls to complete their education before they get caught up in any kind of relationship with anyone. I completely understand where they’re coming from, but oftentimes it irks me that I’m restricted from a lot of things with the reason being that “I am a girl”. They believe that I’m not capable of something because “I am a girl”. My brothers and male cousins aren’t allowed to date either, but the consequences of them breaking the rules aren’t as dramatic and interfering as with us. My parents like to remind me a lot of the risks of being a girl, and how I need to be careful of them. I completely know where they’re coming from, and by gods do I agree, but it still gets annoying.

There are times when I get annoyed by the fact that I’m a girl that I do little things that take me away from the “girly” stereotype. Even the smallest things, if I can avoid them, I find myself doing so. I am uncomfortable with overly feminine clothing, and as I started to just live with my brothers I started copying their mannerisms as well. My comfortable sitting position is with my legs wide, arms behind the back of the chair and my head resting on my palm. I like to dress in pants and large baggy tops more than any other kind of clothing, and it’s even come to a point where even my friends have pointed out to me that I have a very “tomboy” or “lesbian” fashion sense. That was not my goal, since I just love plaid and over-sized sweaters, but I don’t take any offense to it. It’s just interesting to acknowledge. I sometimes wonder if I could consider myself gender fluid, but I realized I wasn’t. I considered myself very much a girl. I just loved to dress up and carry myself in a less feminine way because that’s what I grew up with and I was more comfortable that way.

I still worry sometimes that some people would judge me incorrectly due to how I act and how I dress and how I don’t exactly act like a girl, but then there are times when I remember how I like how I am and my friends do too, so I have no reason to change.

Blog Entry #10: Relationship with Peers

Cliques and Crowds can be seen in every social setting you go to, even if in some places it isn’t as obvious as others. In my old schools, it’s not that easy to distinguish “crowds”, as most of the groups are filled with different type of people. What was prevalent however, were cliques. Specific groups of friends who always hang out together. I had my own “clique”. My best friends from my classes who always hang out together and were very obvious that we were friends. My old school, however, had this thing about making their students very kind and inclusive, so there was not really such a thing as “my group” and ”your group” since essentially we all kind of mixed every now and then.

What we did have, however, was the type of friends we associate ourselves with. This became even more evident when we had all moved on to college. I have realized that I am attracted to befriending a certain type of person, and very easily avoid specific type of people that I don’t see myself getting along with, even if I haven’t tried talking to them yet.

The people I often approach and associate myself with are the slightly… odd types. They’re very open with expressing their love for fictional worlds or fangirling over celebrities, and overall show that they don’t care about how they appear to others when they get excited about something. I also usually look for people that would consider themselves as “loners”, as I find them easier to talk to and get along with than people who are very popular and act like it.

I’ve come to admit to myself that I avoid certain crowds of people that bond over something I can’t relate to, such as sports or tech, as I don’t see myself being able to get excited with whatever they get excited over the most. The problem with this I suppose is that I don’t bother trying to reach out to more people, since I am comfortable with the amount of friends I already have that I’ve already have mutual interests with. It is rare for me to reach out to other people, unless they introduce themselves to me first, or one of my friends brings us together. I am able to get along with a lot of people, but very often I don’t put that much effort into introducing myself with people without a reason. I get very easily intimidated by other people and I usually believe that I’m safe in my own little bubble of friends. This may not be the happiest way to put it, but I feel as though we have our cliques and so because those who have mutual interests are the ones who can give the best forms of support systems, and I like it this way.

Blog Entry #9: Relationship With My Parents

The Individualization process was something I had taken interest in after I read up on it. Unfortunately, I had been absent for this class discussion, but I still looked into the concept and I found it something prominent in my life. See, my relationship with my parents has always been one where I challenge their thoughts and beliefs and I’m open to accepting their opinions even if my own began to differ from theirs.

My dad raised me to not immediately accept what other people told me to believe, telling me that I need to come up with my own conclusion on things and be more independent with how I interpreted things. This was interesting, as even if I was taught to always question what he told me, I always found myself agreeing to his perspective in things and began sharing his opinions on things anyway. At that time, the viewpoint I had questioned the most was my mothers, as it had gone against a lot of what my dad taught me. Such as not letting people get away with taking advantage of you, of not believing in superstitions, or in relying in a supernatural being in surviving in life. I thought my dad’s way of thinking was practical, and made sense, so I align myself with it. This however, caused friction whenever my mom believed differently, and I would question her on why she would allow herself to be kind to someone after they clearly took advantage of her kindness, or why she would believe in God so much. It took me a while to realize that my mother had a point with her beliefs as well, I just took a very long time to realize it because she wasn’t as assertive on her point of view as my dad was. After I got older, and wanted to understand how my mom thought, all her advice on being patient and being kind finally set root in my head and I understood where she was coming from. I used to think my mom was very passive because of how she reacted to things, like letting my dad boss her around, when my dad taught me to never let anyone take advantage of me. But then I realized that my mom may have been passive, but she was strong because she had the patience to deal with all of that when she didn’t have to. Understanding her perspective led me to learning from her as well and admiring her.

I love my parents. And lately, I’ve become comfortable with sharing exactly what I thought about things with them, and constantly asked them about their opinions on topics, and questioning them when I didn’t understand why they viewed something in a particular way. I used to do this a lot in the first place, but I’ve learned how to do it in a more respectful manner that doesn’t lead to me being called out for being disrespectful. I’m very grateful for my parents and their trust in me for me to be able to talk to them like that.

Blog Entry 8: Sociological Perspectives (Symbolic Interactionism, Looking Glass Self, and Dramaturgy)

The topic had gotten to me quite a bit, as I recognized a lot of things about myself while learning about these. I didn’t pay much attention to Symbolic Interactionism at first, since I simply associated it with things like emojis, hand gestures, and the like where interpretations are straightforward and too… general, to want to pay attention to. Then, I had realized it goes into more than just those. We assign meaning and interpretations to things such as facial expressions and body movements, and one fascinating thing is we can have our own interpretations of certain movements, but our interpretations can be wildly different from another’s due to how each of us developed our ways of thinking differently. I could associate a person not replying to me on Facebook as them not being interested in wanting to talk to me, since I am used to active online chatting and getting to know someone online. However, the other person may not be as bothered by it, because they just don’t prefer talking online and are more comfortable talking in person. The fact that we can put different meanings into the same event or reaction makes it difficult sometimes to read a situation, but it also forces you to become more open-minded and learn to not assume either the extreme positive or extreme negative realities of a situation.

The Looking Glass Self is nicely named, as it first immediately grabbed my attention as I am a big fan of Alice In Wonderland. Once we had gotten into it, I came to realize just how much I focus on this process of self-development, as a lot fo what I do, what I approve of myself or what I change about myself is due to how I want to be viewed by other people, even if I say I’m doing it for myself. I find a lot of pride in my ability to do things, such as being adequate at singing or painting, or doing well in school, because others praise me for it. It’s a little sad to admit, as I wish I could say I was proud of myself simply because I liked my own work, but honestly it’s not really the case. I am quick to find flaws in my works, but I am able to move past it and enjoy what I do because I know that even if I don’t like it, a lot of other people do. My love for anime and kpop and fangirling stems from me genuinely enjoying them, yes, but it is also fueled by me seeing how other people who do the same are seen as comfortable with who they are enough to express their love for something without being embarrassed, and I think, hey, I want to be just like that.

I get a little confused sometimes as to whether the looking glass self means that you judge yourself based on what you think other people think of you, or if you judge yourself based on how you see yourself in someone else, and how you change based on whether or not you like that, but I think the theory involves both. As it focuses on how you view yourself based on your “reflection” in other people.

Dramaturgy was a new term for me, but not a new concept. Acting differently based on who you’re talking to is something I’m very familiar with. As I was growing up, I had to be very careful with how I presented myself in front of my parents, in front of my friends, in front of everyone. I had to act a different way in front of all of them in order for them to consider me as “acting normally”. This way of living soon got to me, and when I’m by myself, in the backstage, I began to question what kind of person I actually was. Who was I? Which representation of myself was actually closest to being the most genuine?

I got tired after a while of having to keep up a front, especially different fronts when it came to the people closest to me. As I got older, and became more comfortable with sharing my thoughts to my parents and siblings without being afraid of them disapproving, I began to portray a similar image to them as I do with my friends. I became more vocal about my thoughts on things, my love for different bands and styles, I was open about how I reacted to things I disliked, and soon enough I began to see what kind of person I really am, because I had less fronts to keep up. The only fronts I keep up are with those I wasn’t close with, but with those I was, I’m very comfortable acting the same way. And I am rather proud of this, as I’d like to consider it as me knowing who I am.

Blog Entry 7: Psychosocial Perspective

Seeing this process in my own childhood was a little difficult to fully analyze since I barely remember anything from when I was a young child, but it was interesting to see as I watch my nephews grow up. I have a nephew right now who is seven years old and I’m watching him try to navigate his way through learning what he needs to do and learning how to do them. He’s a very timid child, and always doubts himself about his ability to do something on his own or if what he’s doing is the right thing to do. And one thing I realized could have caused this is the constant criticism whenever he does something wrong. It threw me off when I realized that they keep telling him that he knows what to do and he can try and not to doubt himself, yet they contradict themselves in letting him learn when he gets criticised every time he makes a mistake or takes too long to do something by moving slowly and inconveniencing anyone.

It’s such a delicate line to cross when it comes to trying to teach kids what to and what not to do while letting them figure things out for themselves in order to let them develop their sense of independence. I’m a little concerned about my nephew, and I’m not sure yet what other kind of values I can try teaching him that would work well with how my brother chooses to teach him about being competent in doing chores at home or school work.

Blog Entry #6: Psycho-Dynamic Perspective

I’ve never really tried distinguishing my ID, Ego and Superego before. Though, I have realized just how impulsive I can be when it comes to some decisions that I make. I’m rather impulsive when it comes to things like deciding to hang out at the mall with friends after school or buy a new pair of shoes if I suddenly see it after I’ve been looking for that pair for a really long time. Even if I am running out of money, I decide to spend it.  Feel as though the need for immediate satisfaction is a common thing in our generation, with media giving us what we want almost in the blink of an eye, and installing fear that if we don’t get it right away we’ll never get the chance to get it again. Not to blame something else, but I do believe this can be a factor.

One of the subtopics I found myself interested in were the defense mechanisms that have been identified. It’s the first time that I learned the term Reaction Formation, which perfectly explains my habit of laughing when I feel extremely embarrassed about something or suddenly start smiling widely as I feel sad in public but don’t want to show it. There was a mechanism called Regression, that made me take a deep look at myself. Regression is when one starts acting like a child when under stress. I realize I do this quite a lot. I start whining, even if for the sake of amusement when I don’t get my way in front of my family members, or I pout and make a noise when I something goes wrong, or when I’m angry I start screaming into my pillow and kick the air or throw things at walls to release stress.

It’s a little weird realizing just how often you act like a child. Being aware of this allowed me to notice my habits more and more, and be able to correct them if I don’t find them appropriate in the situations I use them.

Blog Entry #5: Self Regulation

This was a very interesting topic for me, especially after moving straight on after discussing emotions. I am a very emotional person in general, and after taking the MBTI several times, I’ve come to realize just how easily I identify myself as someone who isn’t “emotionally stable”. I suppose this is due to the fact that my ability to regulate my emotions is something that could do with a lot of improvement.

I learned that self-regulation is for the goal of being able to control your emotions so that you can continue to function properly and do work that you need to do in order to achieve goals that you have in life. I’ve realized that I am able to control my emotions when it comes to presenting myself in a certain way to other people. Either it is allowing myself to be excited about something, to show a more positive side of me, or hiding and pushing down thoughts that I don’t believe is appropriate or understandable in the situation I am in.

However, the moment I am out of the eyes of others, I very often lose control of the things I’m feeling, and sometimes they overwhelm me. I have learned to control them, but my coping mechanism often involves something unproductive such as falling asleep or spending hours procrastinating as I watch YouTube and scroll mindlessly through Facebook.

My thoughts on this topic are a little messy, as I have a lot of opinions on it. I found the “magic ratio” of 5:1 rather interesting, as I fully agree with it. It’s odd how positive feelings can so easily be affected by a single negative event or feeling, and how in order to feel generally good, one must acknowledge so many more good things in their life in comparison to negatives.

Blog Entry #4: Feeling Self

My 5 Basic Emotions: Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Joy

Emotion: Sadness

Sadness is one of the easiest emotions for my brain to elicit from the smallest triggers. I often find it difficult to escape, as it causes me to question everything about myself, my worth, my purpose, my capabilities. It causes me to break down, cry, lose myself. And sometimes, it’s hard to stop. 

Emotion: Fear

Fear prevents me from exploring new options. It gives me anxiety when things don’t go as planned. I question myself over and over why I put myself in situations that cause me to feel afraid. But in the end, fear teaches me how I can avoid situations and do better in the future. 

Emotion: Anger

Feeling pathetic, incapable and worthless makes me feel angry at myself. Anger makes me want to give up in life. Anger allows me to let loose all of my negative emotions in a passionate way, which results in giving my mind room to figure out what it is that I want in life, and soon that anger becomes my motivation to improve. 

Emotion: Disgust

I get turned off when people spread hate for no reason, when it’s none of their business. Being disgusted and annoyed by things often make me feel out of control, but then I realize that I have to focus on what I can control in order to still love the world we live in.

Emotion: Joy

The people in my life make me happy. They make me feel loved and confident in myself, which allows me to have moments of peace.

Blog Entry #3

While going through this topic, I began to question myself, wondering what was a part of my system 1 and which was my system 2. My mind had immediately gone into thinking about how these two systems play a part in my ability to interact with other people. Thinking about my actions, why I do them, and what is good or bad about them is something I do very often. I have come to believe, however, that this constant evaluation of my actions has led me to choose what kind of ways I would act in a specific situation, and since I constantly do it, my system 2 decisions have become system 1 reactions. For example, as a child, I’ve always been a little carefree when it comes to talking to people, I didn’t care much about how I acted or what people thought about me. This was something I thought was fine, until I accidentally started offending some people with decisions I had made and things I’ve said. After evaluating myself on that situation, I began to be more cautious with how I talk to people and how I approach people, and that system 2 acknowledgement became a habit. And now, by system 1, every time I see a new person, I immediately worry about how I want to present myself and how I want them to think about me. This worry causes me to avoid most social situations because avoiding possible mistakes was a lot easier than constantly worrying about what to say.

Now, my social system 1 is avoiding people and thinking it’s better to run away from people. This is further supported by my system 2 reasoning, or self-convincing, that I am a shy person and that’s alright, because I still have friends anyway, so I don’t need to be any different. Every since I started college, however, the need to be better at socializing has increased a little bit. And I’m starting to realize just how difficult it is to change one’s system 1’s reactions due to how ingrained in our being they are.

I chose to interpret this topic in terms of socializing because it is the area of my life in which I can see my two systems trying to combat each other the most. I want desperately to open up and be able to talk to people, but I find it difficult to go against my natural reactions of spikes of anxiety in social situations and fear of rejection. I found this topic rather fascinating, particularly because these two systems sound straightforward and simple, yet they are involved with so many aspects of one’s life.

Blog Entry #2: Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Model

This discussion had left me thinking about just how much my surroundings have affected the kind of person I am and the person I have come to be. Of course, those within my microsystem such as my parents and friends have a huge impact on who I am as a person, the kind of values I cherish and the things I like and dislike. However, when it comes to more distant systems such as the mesosystem and the exosystem, I realize that those also have an effect on how I act and who I am. Being affected by a lot of things such as traffic and delayed flights or events have an impact on the level of patience that I develop in everyday life. Another perspective I have taken into account was the fact that I’ve been fortunate enough to be exposed a lot of different cultures throughout my childhood, as my parents and I had lived in multiple countries in the past. I’ve lived in Indonesia, South Africa, Lesotho, and visited many other countries, all of which contain their own unique macrosystems of traditions and practices. Being exposed to these different cultures, regardless of how long or brief, these accumulated experiences have all added to affect my ability to interact and accept different kinds of individuals, regardless of their background and personality.

Another thing this topic had made me realize is not just how other things affect me, but how I play along in the systems of those associated with me. The mesosystem in particular, where I’ve come to realize how often I may affect my family members, such as my nephews, when I accidentally take out my stress on them by raising my voice or accusing them of things they did on an exaggerated level. It was mind opening, and helped me acknowledge what I’ve been doing as well.

It brings me to fully understand just how affected our personalities can be by those of which we surround ourselves by, how our environment can shape the kind of people we are and how to understand a person, it’s important to take a deep look into what kind of environment they had grown up and lived in.

Blog Entry #1

 We were tasked to draw a house in class today. Whatever kind of house we wanted to. Include how it’s shaped, how the rooms are arranged, who would be inside the house, who would be left outside, how the interior was decorated, and how the exterior would look. After the activity was finished, we were asked to process what we had drawn and compare it to what we actually wanted in reality. The entire time, I had sat there wondering why I had drawn what I did. Why did I draw a mansion, when I want to live in a small house or condo? Why did I turn it into a children’s home when I like my privacy and just want to be in charge of a few kids? Why did I only draw my mom in the window by the front door and not include my dad or anyone else in my family in the house? Where is my family? Where am I? Is the house I had drawn even for me? Or for someone else? There’s a few things about the house that make it clear it’s something I’d like. The observatory on one of the top rooms to be able to see the stars. The large library filled with hundreds of books in our disposal. A comfortable open area for playing or just relaxing and finally lots and lots of windows. I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I drew a mansion. And though my thoughts about it can change, I think one of the reasons this was the kind of home I immediately envisioned is because of the kind of home and support I want to provide to others. Not to toot my own horn, or pretend like I’m all that saint like or even that much of a good person, but when I thought of house I thought of a kids home where they can feel safe and welcomed. I also think it was influenced from the last meeting when we had to choose an outing project and I was initially going to go for the Girls Home. I’d like to make the drawing better. I’ll continue to work on it.