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Are You in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
1. Does your partner seem cold or unfeeling in the face of your feelings or the feelings of other people, or does he seem to have difficulty understanding the feelings of other people?
2. Does your partner talk about his life, accomplishments, and work in an exaggerated or larger than life way (for example, having an impossibly good job, how he is going to have the greatest of everything)? Is your partner arrogant and convinced of his superiority over other people?
3. Does your partner believe that he is entitled to special treatment in all areas of his life (to receive special treatment from businesses, service workers, friends, and life in general)? Does he become angry when this special treatment is not accorded to him?
4. Does your partner manipulate people and situations to get his needs met with little regard for the feelings of other people?
5. Does your partner become intensely angry very quickly—and usually out of proportion to the situation at hand?
6. Does your partner often think that people are out to get him or take advantage of him?
7. Is your partner able to hand out criticism easily, but does he have a hard time hearing even the slightest feedback without becoming defensive and even angry?
8. Is your partner frequently jealous of you and your friendships, relationships, successes, and opportunities?
9. Does your partner do bad things and not feel guilty about them or even have any insight into the fact that these were not nice things to do?
10. Does your partner need constant admiration and validation, such as compliments, awards, and honors, and does he seek it out (for example, through social media or constantly letting people know about his achievements)?
11. Does your partner regularly lie, leave out important details, or give you inconsistent information?
12. Is your partner an expert showman? Making a big show of everything he does including parties, the car he drives, the places he goes, and the way he portrays his life to others?
13. Does your partner regularly project his feelings onto you (for example, accusing you of being angry at a time he is yelling at you or accusing you of being inconsistent when his life is chaotic)?
14. Is your partner greedy and materialistic? Does he covet more things and more money and stop at little to achieve these things?
15. Is your partner emotionally cold and distant? Does he become disconnected, particularly at times when you are experiencing or showing strong emotion?
16. Does your partner frequently second-guess you or doubt you to the point that you feel like you are “going crazy?”
.17. Is your partner cheap with his time or money? Is he a person who will only be generous when it will serve his interests?
18. Does your partner regularly avoid taking responsibility and is he quick to blame others for his mistakes? Does your partner tend to defend himself instead of taking responsibility for his behaviour?
19. Is your partner vain and absorbed with his appearance or how he displays himself to the world (for example, grooming, clothing, accessories)?
20. Is your partner controlling? Does he attempt to control your behaviour? Does he appear almost obsessive and compulsive in his need for order and control in his environment and schedule?
21. Are your partner’s mood, behaviours, and lifestyle unpredictable and inconsistent? Do you frequently feel like you do not know what is coming next?
22. Does your partner take advantage of you and other people on a regular basis? Does he take the opportunity to ensure his needs are met even if it means inconveniencing or taking advantage of the connections or time potentially offered by you or other people?
23. Does your partner enjoy watching other people fail? Does he take glee in the idea that someone’s life or business is not going well, especially when that person has typically done better than him?
24. Does your partner find it difficult to be alone or spend time alone?
25. Does your partner have poor boundaries with other people? Does he maintain inappropriate relationships with friends and co-workers, and keep doing this even when he is told that this is uncomfortable for you?
26. Has your partner ever been sexually or emotionally unfaithful?
.27. Does your partner tune out when you are talking? Does he yawn, check his device, or get distracted by papers and tasks around him while you are talking to him?
28. Does your partner become vulnerable or sensitive at times of stress or when things are not going well? Is he unable to cope when faced with significant stressors and become very fragile at these times?
29. Is your partner regularly neglectful or just not mindful of basic communication and courtesy (e.g. letting you know he is going to be late or reflexively saying and doing hurtful and careless things)?
30. Does your partner frequently use his appearance or sexuality to get attention? Is he very flirtatious or does he frequently use sexy banter with people outside of your relationship in his words, actions, and social media posts or text messages?
If you answered “yes” to 15 or more of these questions, you likely have a pathologically narcissistic partner. If you answered “yes” to 20 or more of these questions, then it is pretty much a guarantee.
- Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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Narcissistic personality disorder:
a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy
variable and vulnerable self-esteem, with attempts at regulation through attention and approval seeking, and either overt or covert grandiosity
The person with narcissistic personality disorder is typified by symptoms including
fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, or ideal love
the belief that he is special and unique
entitlement
interpersonal exploitation
envy
arrogance
superficial “close” relationships
low levels of insight
- Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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A relationship with a narcissist is in essence being in a relationship with someone who will never listen to you or hear you. As a result, you can be as precise in your communication as a robot, and it will not be heard nor will it matter.
Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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Relying on your partner to change is not an option. The only changes you can make are in yourself: understanding the moving parts, managing your expectations, and making decisions accordingly
Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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sometimes we can change behaviours in people with narcissistic personality disorders, but the changes often do not stick around for the long term
Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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You deserve someone who actually gives a shit about you. Someone who doesn’t just see you as an extension of themself. Someone who would actually be afraid to lose you. Don’t let anyone else make you believe otherwise.
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I miss you so much but I now understand you never really loved me back. And in a sense I feel free and like I can finally breathe again. But god does it hurt each time I take a breath.
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Narcissism is ultimately a disorder of self-esteem. Narcissists’ grandiosity, quest for greatness, and braggadocio can result in most people viewing them as confident, smart, and successful (which they may ostensibly be), however you only need to scrape away with your fingernail to reveal that under the shiny top coat are people who cannot regulate their feelings and exist to obtain the approval of others.
Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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Narcissists are not going to change. That simple premise, I hope, will be a life-changer, because for many readers, it may pull their attention off of blaming themselves, feeling anxious, doubting themselves, frustrating themselves by working on communication and reading piles of relationship advice (that presumes that the other person is actually listening), or waiting for a bus that is never going to appear. Relationships with narcissists are held in place by hope of a “someday better,” with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.
Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
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I Slipped Up
I got sad, I got drunk, I got more sad and I emailed him.
Somehow in my drunk brain, I didn’t think he’d see it but he did and he replied and was so sweet and lovely and I started to fall for it all over again.
He mentioned getting therapy and working on himself and he said he didn’t want anyone else but me and I believed it. Like an idiot.
Of course, the moment I called him on this is all changed. I told him he’d made those kinds of promised before and not actually followed through. So, I said, if you can actually prove to me you’re willing to change, if you start seeing a therapist, if you can show me that I can trust you and you really don’t want anyone else, then we can see about there being an us again.
And that’s when he flipped and it all came back to ‘you’ve done bad things too, you’re awful, blah blah blah, everything’s my fault’.
It was just more of the same: Be nice, get me to trust him, then knock my confidence and make me feel guilty.
I should have known he hadn’t changed, wouldn’t change.
I need to move on. I’ve been sad since we broke up, but I’ve also been more stable and less insecure and I’m starting to like myself a little more again. I can’t believe I nearly jeopardised that.
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How to know if someone is gaslighting you…
something is “off” about your partner and you can’t quite explain or pinpoint why.
you frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
You feel confused and disorientated.
You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or for who you are.
You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
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Never ever let someone who did some foul shit gaslight your anger in to trying to make you think you’re going through a mental health crisis or that you’re crazy.
Never let anyone do that shit, really.
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I know you miss them, but you are better off without them.
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‘‘Telling a woman you love her while treating her like shit is abuse. Fuck you.”
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The First Realisation
I think this is the first time I’ve not just broken up with him out of anger but instead because I’m trying to be rational. Why put myself through anymore pain?
I shouldn’t be afraid to visit my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be walking on eggshells around him. I shouldn’t just put up with his insults.
We bring out the worst in each other and if I want to get better, if I want to be better, I can’t be with him.
As much as it breaks my heart, as much as I love him, I also hate him and fear him and I’m done being scared. I’m done being made to feel like crap. I want to be better. I want to be me again.
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