i care. i always care. that's my problem

sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.

Half of my face is swollen. Tried to hide it. Don’t think it worked. Anyway. Here y’all go.

I have a tumblr+ for absolutely no reason. I just thought y’all should know that.

So my boyfriend is finally home. He’s still got to do house arrest and he’ll be rocking his bracelet until December 2024. He’s already stir crazy and it’s only been three weeks. So we’re dealing with it. Just not well.

I finally took a picture with this filter (I’m obsessed with this filter) that I like. I’ve also got a few more pictures… it’s been awhile after all hasn’t it?

SELFIE OVERLOAD!!! 🚨

Clearly, some of these aren’t selfies. That’s my boyfriend trey holding his nephew for the first time. There’s also a pocketknife that I had engraved for my 12 year old. 12 year old. God where has the time gone? Feels like it was just yesterday that I couldn’t put mr. 12 yr old down. He wouldn’t even go to his own father. Nope. Full blown mommas boy. He came out of his I want mom and only mom stage eventually. Excuse me while I go sob 😭

I really just wanted to show y’all what life’s been like for me lately. Still trying to pick my hooks back up but it’s a struggle. Idk

So don’t even judge me for the fact that I have make up in odd spots on my eyes. Got to admit here guys… I was crying seconds before I took this, which is fucking hilarious, because goddamn bipolar as fuck much? Crazy bitch anyways. Life‘s been fucking worse than usual Actually believe it or not. but hey, I wanted to let all y’all know that have ever liked or commented anything I’ve posted to know that I appreciate you a lot. You’ve probably kept me going more than I’ve ever given you credit for but hey, here’s your credit. Y’all are saints truly. Especially when it comes to the comments where somebody’s telling me that I’m actually kind of cute cause I know I told myself I’m cute stuff on here but like I don’t actually believe myself ha ha. Insanity. I know either way thank you guys. Your comments are honestly the only ones I’ve gotten in a really long time from anybody so you can’t imagine how much I really do appreciate it. Life sucks right now it’s not going to though because I’m gonna make it beautiful again and I’m gonna do so alone. Have a good day y’all.

Hello ladies and dudes. I took this picture yesterday. I’m literally wearing the same tank crop top that wore in the picture that’s on my last post. Haha that’s ridiculous! I love it! The picture in the last post was taken on June 6th. 

Anyways.

I don’t have much more to say so I hope you guys enjoy the fact that I’m really cute.

The most updated pic of myself that I have. I took this on June 6th which is ironically the same day that my boyfriend went to jail for a probation violation. Let me tell you that it has been a blast every single fucking day since.

Idk if you would say that I lost all my friends or realized that I never had any in the first place. I’ve just been stuck in my attic this entire time no matter how hot and stuffy it gets. I guess I don’t care.

Over the last month I have lost 30 pounds. I was in a size 12 before all this shit happened I’m in a size 8 now I hate this shit. It’s tearing me apart every fucking day. I’m struggling deeply. Words can’t even express.

I almost forgot what it felt like to be depressed. I guess this was a damn good reminder. It can go away any time now though. I’ve had enough of it’s ugly face already really. It needs to let go of me. I’ve been through enough.

Hello tumbler. I got some what of an upgrade on my wardrobe. I am aware I’m slightly chubby, I’ve had four kids so kiss my ass. I felt cute today so I thought I’d share a selfie. Had a really fucked up last couple days. Oh well I guess. Here’s to today!

I did my make up yesterday and didn’t have the opportunity to post so I figured I’d let you guys see it today. I’m thinking there’s some changes that are about to happen. I’m not exactly ready for these changes but at the same time they need to happen.

I ordered off of shein for the first this morning. Got a bunch of make up, like three or four crop tops, a romper, and a couple pairs of shorts. Im really happy about it.

Below is the most recent top that I have made. It ended up being too small for even the tiniest woman ever. My sister wants it for my niece who is a toddler. 🙄. Anyway that’s all for today you guys. Stay golden.

I am genuinely loving the person that I am becoming. For such a long time I just did grow the way I was supposed to. I stayed stuck in a negative mindset. I pushed people away if they tried to give me constructive criticism. I was so mad at the world that I turned inward and shut myself off from everything.

Here lately.. I have had a few different friends tell me that I am so supportive and loving. That feels so good to hear every single time. I don’t think that previous to now anyone has ever said that about me. Another friend told me that she’s really happy to have befriended me because she knows that I will help her grow into who she needs to be.

My Maranda and I started a Facebook advocating women and their mental health. It’s already got over 400 followers in a week.

I went from only having Maranda in my life to having at least four friends now. It’s beautiful. I’m truly happy.

Now if I can just get my boyfriend to stop being an idiot. 🙄

This is my most recent project. No that’s not me. That’s my baby sister. I’m a bit thicker than that. I just rolled out of bed and ate a Milky Way and chased it down with a coke. If y’all remember right my blood sugar was high when I went to the dr. I’m rebelling. And I’m not sorry.

I need to start cleaning and I do not want to. I got to though. I will say that I’ve been incredibly productive lately. My room is organized now and I’m now leaving my house by choice and for hours. I’m not in a state of doom all the time anymore and my relationship is becoming healthier. What happened?

Well my dr switched me to a medication called seroquel xr. I was skeptical at first of course but now I plan to thank my doctor. I feel more like me than I have in years. Bipolar disorder is incredibly hard to manage but I’m starting to be able to manage it just fine. I’m under any other circumstances against medicating.. but holy crap this is amazing.

My optimism is through the roof and I feel so happy. I just wanted to tell y’all that. Here’s another picture of the top I made:

Okay two more. And then here’s the selfie you’ve been waiting for:

I’ve been doing different shit with my hair to keep it out of my face. Lol. Y’all have a good day.

I’m currently procrastinating. I shouldn’t be but oh well.

So I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago. I had my blood taken and she also prescribed me a different medication to help combat my bipolar disorder. As it turns out my blood sugar was about 192 when it’s only supposed to be 100. So ya girl might have a little bit of the diabetes. Fuck.

As far as my new medication goes… I cannot complain one bit about it. It seems to be working fabulously. I’m motivated and productive. I’m social. I’m even leaving the house and spending hours around other people at their houses and making friends. Suck a dick agoraphobia! I couldn’t be happier with the results although I wish I didn’t have to be medicated. I have to take the med at night because it knocks me the fuck out. That’s fine tho. At least abilify is no longer in my regimen. That stuff didn’t do shit.

I just wanted to give y’all a quick update before I went back to cleaning and let y’all know I’m doing better than alright. Here’s a selfie and y’all have a good one. ✌🏻

Nothing to post. Here’s a selfie

Im tired of being a nice person. It’s time to let the savage back out. To hell with nice.