I'm gaining weight. I fucking hate my body.

Hey. I'm back ig. I was clean for a long while until i relapsed badly and nearly ended up at the hospital. I don't cut that much anymore but i occasionally scratch my skin until it bleeds

It's mainly ocd shit i'm struggling with now, not so much the other stuff

I find it sad that nobody noticed when i was at my lowest but what can i say- we live in the era of being ignored

Just wanted to say i exist and i'll be using this blog more often because shit is hitting the fan again

Yt knows what i want

It so is, tried to purge the other day and i failed miserably

failing at throwing up is a next level shitty feeling.

so i found my box cutter again and managed to hit beans for the first time in months. it feels so good but i have no means to take care of the wound. rip to my clothes ig

pov: someone finds out abt your... addiction.

(vent art keeps me alive)

why do other people get to take mental health breaks and i don't? why do they get to feel valid? why do they get to stay out of their lives while I have to suffer in silence? why aren't i as important and valid as they are? why do i have to text them first and ask them if they're feeling better when i'm secretly slicing my arms and hips apart. why aren't i valid? why aren't my feelings valid? why can't i stay at home for a week? why can't i stay off all social media (except for tumblr ofc.) for two weeks without this fear of losing them and dying alone? why can't i just lie in bed and slowly rot away? why can't i just drive a knife through my brain and end it all?

it's not going to get better, i've given up.

can i please have some positive things come from disordered eating soon i’m a bit sick of the negatives xx

I love this burning sensation

That lets me know that I've acomplished something

Bingo bc i feel especially terrible today

So I drew some sh/vent art yay

Oh my god i absolutely love it when i pour my heart out to my family and talk abt how i want to die and they just completely ignore me and continue talking abt the fucking groceries.

Same tbh

i hate my lack of self control.

So turns out i hit styro several times recently without knowing what a styro even was lol

Most of my styro cuts are on my hands and i have nerve damage there ajdjdhfjdjdj

I mostly just cvt in the same place on top of old scars for some reason

Damn i hate that question line what am i supposed to answer

Are you ok?

Me: well yes, but actually no

I want to die.