Suffering isn’t a competition. Stop comparing.

I’m not a fan of comparing traumas to see who had it worse and therefore has the “right” to complain or to be sad. I don’t want to be around that nonsense. It’s utterly useless and insulting, not to mention invalidating at times because you do not understand the extent of what I experienced. I don’t think you’d be terribly happy if I told you that your trauma is easy because I don’t see it being as bad as mine. But I don’t feel that way, so I wouldn’t say it to you nor would I presume to know what it’s like being in your shoes. I can try, except I wouldn’t go as far as claiming it can’t be that bad.

I’ve said before how much it hurt when my so called great aunt said that I should be over my pain. Even when the wound isn’t fresh anymore, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. Therapy is the equivalent of tearing the scab off and reopening the wound. I get that the older generations have a much different view (or usually do) when it comes to dealing with mental health and trauma. My grandma refuses to talk about her grief and her worries. She’s been in abusive relationships and lost her second husband so suddenly to cancer when they were young. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for her, only that it’s painful because all she will say is that it still hurts all these years later.

I don’t believe there’s a time limit on grieving. Grief isn’t limited to losing someone important to you. The passing of a beloved pet, the end of a friendship, a break up with a partner or the end of a marriage, etc. These things can fucking hurt. It’s not the same for everyone. I’m grieving for younger me who didn’t get to grow up in a stable, healthy environment. Please leave me be.

y’all remind yourselves your account is your space. you’re not a performance. you’re not annoying by being yourself. if people aren’t into it they can leave. you’re not obligated to please anyone, especially at the cost of your personal expression. the worst thing you can do for your online enjoyment is to filter or censor yourself.

unavoidable that you will be the villain in someone else's story. You will be painted in an unfavorable light. You will be the irredeemable one. and all of this will happen despite how nice you might usually be or how kind or how respectful or how warm. and you will just have to move on.

If you’re reading this I want you to know it’s okay to make mistakes just please don’t forget all the good things you’ve done because those do matter more

Getting By Without Friends

1. See it as something that is temporary. Even though it hurts now, it doesn’t mean it’s permanent. You’ll find other people who will treat you well – so be gentle on yourself and recognise it will pass.

2. Learn to enjoy your own company. See it as a time to reflect on your life, and really think through what you want for yourself. Also, find different interests you can do on your own – and maybe try something different you’ve never tried before.

3. Spend time looking after an animal. Pets are accepting, reliable and loyal. They’ll never hurt your feelings – and are good company.

4. Treat other people you meet really well (talk to people at the checkout, or smile at those you meet). That will likely result in a warm, friendly response – and will remind you there are others who appreciate you.

5. Hang out with those who like the same things as you. If you’ve taken up a hobby or you like watching sport, speak to people you meet at these events. Even though you don’t know them, they are still good company.

6. Don’t let this bad experience hold you back. Keep reaching out to others, have the courage to take risks and eventually you’ll start to make some much better friends.

Haven't slept much the last two nights, although I will say things have been a bit better lately and I'm going to keep trudging forward as best I can.

For one, I've been far more selective in where I expend my energy and who I interact with. I've spent more time in parties with close friends and having casual, chill conversations. There are no pressures or expectations to be someone I'm not, nor do I get the vibe that I need to step on eggshells. No one should need to feel that way in a healthy friendship. I've started the process of distancing myself from people I don't feel comfortable around. Not quite enough to completely sever the connection, but a safe distance.

That being said, I've still refrained going to Facebook for anything and I have significantly limited my posts to Discord in an effort to reel in both my privacy and the potential for another flare up in conflict should something I say be misinterpreted. I have no desire to fight with anyone and perhaps getting as defensive as I did was an overreaction. On the other hand, I still believe it was clear who I was responding to and it wasn't anything negative. I think your dude seems cool and we were maybe making some progress, but I don't think the timing is right. Or maybe it's better this way. I don't know. I wish you the best in finding peace and happiness regardless of what you might think of me. I don't bear you any ill will. I hope you heal from me.

The loneliness has kicked in on a few occasions, sometimes resentment over the perception that others might not see their own colossal mistakes or times where they faltered in holding back responses driven by emotions without taking time to regulate them before having a response. That's not to excuse it. Rather, it's what you do with it afterwards that matters a lot. I can't force anyone to look at what I've done so far and how much effort I've put into recovery after both realizing and acknowledging that I have significant, unresolved faults and harmful tendencies that I must take responsibility for healing, and I also not willing to do that.

Likewise, I don't believe that it's sustainable in the long term to spend day in and day out ruminating over what I should have done differently. In the same vein, it isn't going to be sustainable to continuously pine for people who have hurt me to acknowledge and/or apologize for it. They won't. You can only make your own peace. Accept that it happened, as shitty as it is or was, and find a new path forward. I don't intend to make it sound easy because I don't think it is and I haven't achieved that level of zen. Nowhere close, in fact.

I was an awful friend and partner - there is no denying that. I do not believe it negates wishing that there were times other people could have been a better friend to me, but as with either the case I can't change the past. I can only do better going forward remembering how much hurt I've caused and how to deal with my own pain in a healthier way that doesn't harm others, nor myself.

Time away is good.

It’s easier this way, even though the thoughts about how self-imposed isolation might not be the best way to go about things continue to flash in my head. However, I still talk to a few of my closest friends in private, the ones that have been supportive and understanding, even though I haven’t gone into detail about what I’m struggling with. I’ve done well in reeling back the urge to be more vulnerable than what is necessary. I am comfortable enough in their presence to be outlandish and silly, but I don’t think I can bring myself to be more open than that with anyone else again. I want to trust others, I truly do, except putting trust in someone to safeguard what you share with them rather than exploit it is a terrifying concept. I want to believe they would not share certain information with people it was never intended for in the first place.

Maybe there are some people we simply aren’t meant to stay connected with. It’s hard to figure out who is more likely to stick around in the long run for mutual support as opposed to who is more of a visitor. The loss of someone might cause a larger fracture compared to someone else, but I still feel like they all matter in some way. There are lots of people I still think about and wonder how they’re doing, and whether they ever wonder about me. Some people have had a larger impact on me than they likely know, although they may not believe so if I told them or care much. To matter to someone is important. I should matter to me as that would be most important, except I question if my need to matter to others is rooted in what was done to me and how it was invalidated. There was no justice. A monster walked away, back into society and probably emboldened to go on to hurt more children.

I wish I was endearing. I wish I could open myself up to feel the love of others, to be wrapped in it like a blanket and feel it in my bones. I wish I could inspire those around me, maybe brighten up their day. I wish I felt worthy of love and admiration. Instead, my mind is mired in shame, guilt, anger, sadness, and the everlasting pain that comes with the absence of self worth. It never seems to go away. Everywhere I go, I suspect that everyone else around me knows that I should be avoided because I am damaged.

You will make mistakes, you will act irrationally. You will commit some wrongs that cannot be fully righted. People will dislike you and misunderstand you for all sorts of reasons. None of these things make you a bad person. All you can do is try your best to be kind, to learn and grow.

i don't know who needs to hear this, but guilt, self-hatred and shame are not sustainable sources of growth and healing. you can't hate yourself into feeling better, or being better. you can't repeatedly punish yourself for your flawed humanity and expect wholesome results.

Uncomfortable subjects.

My therapist is leaning heavily towards a diagnosis of CPTSD as opposed to BPD. I still don't fully understand both, only that there is crossover between the two yet they still have some different symptoms, even though they can also co-exist. I would need to do more research on the details to think things through. What I can be sure of is that I am fucked up. I wish I wasn't, as I'm sure lots of other people feel the same in dealing with mental illness. You don't exactly get a heads up about how difficult it is to deal with it. On top of that, my mom and my grandma certainly experienced trauma that they never really dealt with through therapy or other means. Neither learned how to process and regulate their own emotions, so how could they have taught me anything about it? Same with protecting themselves from people with bad intentions.

I want to believe that there are good people out there. That most people have goodness in them. I do not believe my abuser has an ounce of goodness in him. While he most likely may have been hurt himself, he did not have the right to do what he did to me and who knows how many other victims. He wasn't forced to do it. Nobody held a gun to his head and coerced him to lay waste to a child's life. He groomed me and once he had the opportunity to hurt me, he immediately took it and it didn't stop for several years until I found the courage to tell someone. One of the most harmful parts of the trial that still upsets and disgusts me to this day is that someone who was a so-called expert said that I should have known to tell someone immediately and questioned why I didn't if I was being hurt. As a small child, what would you do when someone repeatedly tells you that it's your fault this is happening, that if you tell anyone at all that you'll ruin your mother's life, and that he will kill you? We're taught to obey adults and this was someone I was supposed to be able to trust. Almost every aspect of my life was controlled by him. He knew what to say and what to do to crush my soul, my spirit, and my hopes of anything getting better.

I know most of my problems stem from years of the abuse itself, and then many, many years of unresolved trauma. It wasn't until I hit the absolute bottom of the pit that I could admit that I wasn't healed, nor could I do it on my own. And I don't want to be this way. I've had people who were somewhat close to me or closer than that imply that I'm somehow not trying hard enough or that I should be over it by now.

There are times I've wanted to scream at them that they have no idea what I went through and what I'm going through right now by going back to relive those memories. I still have nightmares about him. I swear I even saw him on one of my drives home from work. I envy people who are not constantly in fight or flight mode. Despite being in a situation where I am safe, I still don't know what being content physically feels like. This body in general does not feel comfortable. It feels wrong. Most things feel wrong. How do you make them feel right? How can anyone feel comfortable in their skin when they've been used and discarded like trash? How is anyone comfortable being themselves at all?

the first step to recovery is acceptance.

accepting that you are living with an illness, one that you did not ask for nor is it any fault of your own.

accepting that you are worthy of a healthy life fully of happiness, love and healing.

accepting that healing is NOT linear.

accepting that healing takes time, and to heal is to feel.

accepting that you can get better.

accepting yourself for who you are.

They hurt you. You will likely carry that for a long time. It wasn’t fair. You’re allowed to say that.

I get so tired of people who respond with “life’s not fair,” or “you’re letting them win by holding onto the past.”

Yes, it’s important to move on and not let it run your life, but it still wasn’t fair. And sometimes, we need to let that out.

Denying us that or making us feel bad about that is very invalidating. It’s okay to be angry, sad or whatever else and acknowledge the wrong that was done to you.