youre-all-thats-ever-on-my-mind
words made with love
thoughts from a girl who just wants to feel again
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“You came into my life ever so quietly, the same way you quiet the chaos of my thoughts. ‘You’re so kind to others,’ you said. ‘Remember to be kindest to yourself.’”
— i’ve not felt this way in a long while, or maybe even ever. so this is what all those love songs are written about…
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“It’s hard to see the people who hurt you happy.”
— people that shouldn’t matter anyways
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“Thoughts of you sprinkled throughout my mind as I walked down the street at night to a bar, the street I last walked that morning leaving your house in your shirt.”
— seeing pictures of you kissing her confirmed to me everything you told me, and all I can think is, “good fucking riddance.” i found peace, you found a downgrade.
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“My confidence I once had in my own body, my own sexual being, feels ripped away from me. For a year I’ve tried to reclaim it after all you stole from me. And still, the thought of you invading me persists. I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me. And now I walk alone with invisible scars, not blaming myself but not knowing how to feel like me again.”
— And only a handful of good experiences that can’t overtake the bad. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel safe, even by myself.
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I can see us twisted in bedsheets
August slipped away like a bottle of wine
Cause you were never mine
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And now all that’s left of us is the shirt you let me borrow that morning to walk home, the hickey on my neck and the bruise on my collarbone. When the bruises heal, all I’ll have is another shirt that’s not mine to add to the drawer of others, each item of clothing telling a story of a night I left feeling bad about myself.
— our story needed to end, even though as you say, it never began. but I hate that it ended like this. feeling rejected and used for my body only. and when I see you at a bar, i’ll ignore you not to give you the satisfaction that I saw you, but you won’t care. you don’t miss me, and you never did. all the phone calls, plans of things for us to do, it was all just to pass the time for you. “I liked you,” you say when I asked why you did all that. “I liked you too,” I responded. but I guess you didn’t like me enough to put in the effort. and I’m back to my daily boring life. thank you for at least showing me I can trust someone again with my body, for now I know I can do it again.
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“I can’t remember the person I was with you. How I could be so in love so securely? I don’t miss you, but I miss that feeling. I’m a different person now. I can’t picture myself loving someone for such a long time. Is it because I know an earth-shattering heartbreak would follow? I so deeply want to be loved, but since learning to love myself, I don’t think anyone could love me better than myself. I don’t want to share the most intimate parts of my life with anyone, for risk of being betrayed once again. Someone who I originally thought would be in my life forever is now just a stranger who knows everything about me, and we’ll likely never talk again. I don’t miss you, but I so deeply wish to feel something like that again.”
— late night reflections
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“To hope to find love, only to get hurt every time.”
— can’t seem to find someone who values my fragile heart
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“As my brain tries to convince me that this is fleeting, I have the sense you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.”
— see you so soon, hopefully
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“Why do I find myself daydreaming of us?”
— potential
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Writing down things I need to hear when I’m overthinking:
for when the world feels like it’s crashing around you and you’re helpless in it all -
He isn’t purposefully ignoring you.
He likes you. He has shown you that.
That connection doesn’t just go away.
You don’t need validation from anyone but yourself.
You have an amazing support network.
You are motivated, hardworking and determined.
You’re damn talented.
You are beautiful.
There’s nothing you could do to make him run away that easy. And if there was, why would you want him anyway?
You have your own life. So do they. They are not yours, and you aren’t theirs. But it’s okay to let them supplement it.
Take a deep breath and focus on how good things are.
Your world won’t end over a ghosted text or opened snap.
You are loved. By so many in your life. You don’t need his to complete it.
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“It’s so nice to see you happy again.”
— even my friends are noticing, I may be in trouble with you
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“You said it was fate that brought us back together all these years later, and I’m beginning to believe that too.”
— never could’ve seen this coming
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“It’s just something about you that has me feeling a way I haven’t felt in years.”
— and it scares me, but it feels so good.
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It’s been a year and much is different this time around. Things carry more weight now; have more consequences. And all I want to do is go back in time to when I was with you without a worry in the world.
— wanting to text you but what would I say? and what would that say about me? not sure why I’m so hung up on someone who disrespected me, but seeing you brought it all back
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“It’s you. It’s always been you.”
— can’t run from my feelings anymore but can’t bring myself to tell you and potentially lose you
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“You didn’t get the best version of me.”
— and I’m trying not to be sad, because you didn’t deserve the best version of me.
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